Wham Bam Off

Interesting, says Gaius. Not mating this year?

No, says the kakapo. I'm fed up with the lek system.

And why is that? asks Gaius. If you don't mind me asking.

The guys boom and hoot, and we pick the best one, says the kakapo. Then, wham-bam, and off.

Is that what that noise is? asks the kiwi. Me and my partner sometimes hear it.

Well, keep away, says the kakapo.

That's what we do, says the kiwi. We're happy together. 

Right, says the kakapo. So where is she now?

She'll be somewhere, says the kiwi. At home probably. 

Sounds great, says the kakapo. Domestic bliss. Not that I know what that is.

No, says Gaius. I believe the male kakapo plays no part in the rearing of young.

You're telling me, says the kakapo.

I wonder when Arthur will return, says Gaius. I have things to write down in my notebook.

Like what? asks the kiwi.

First of all, says Gaius, I shall record where I found you. No, first of all I'll write down your proper name.

Kiwi, says the kiwi.

Apteryx, says Gaius, a rare white one. The smallest of living ratites.

Bet you didn't know that, says the kakapo.

Didn't want to, says the kiwi. It makes me sound like a cartoon character.

Interesting that you should know about cartoon characters, says Gaius. 

Apteryx? says the kakapo. Which cartoon character is it?

He's probably thinking of Asterix, says Gaius.

Are you? asks the kakapo.

No, says the kiwi. 

Arthur returns, with two cans of beer and a pencil.

Wonderful! says Gaius. And thanks for the pencil. I've already established an interesting fact about the kiwi. While it's known to have a larger brain size than most flightless birds, it fails to make use of it.

Hey! says the kiwi.

It understood that, says Arthur.

Perhaps I've misjudged it, says Gaius.