With No Fuss He Saved Us

Roo-kai lands on the dark lumpish object.

Is it Unhappy?

Hard to say. The dark lumpish object is covered in seaweed.

The brown stringy sort of seaweed.

He parts the seaweed, using his beak.

Gaius arrives, breathing heavily, followed by Terence.

Is it he? asks Gaius. 

I'm about to find out, says Roo-kai.

It is he, croaks a frog voice.

Quiet-Tartus emerges from the behind the dark lumpish object.

I would have said it's HIM, says Shorty-Tartus, emerging as well.

Never mind the grammatical niceties, says Gaius. How do you know it is he?

We rode him in on a wave, says Shorty-Tartus.

Was he covered in seaweed at the time? asks Gaius.

Not so much, says Quiet-Tartus.

Was he dead? asks Terence.

He may not be dead even now, says Quiet-Tartus.

He's feels cold to my feet, says Roo-kai.

Gaius starts to pull off the seaweed, revealing Unhappy.

Unhappy is deceased, says Gaius. No doubt about it.

I'll go and tell the others, says Roo-kai.

We must bury him, says Gaius.

Okay, says Terence. I'll make him a poem.

I need a spade, says Gaius. I'll go back to the camper and see if I can find one.

We'll stay here, says Terence.

We'll help you with your poem, says Shorty-Tartus. We were there at the end.

He saved you, says Terence. Put that in.

He saved us, says Quiet-Tartus. What rhymes with us?

Pus, says Terence.

Fuss, says Shorty-Tartus.

Now shut up, says Terence. I'm first.

A dog has died, (says Terence), he got run over, but that isn't why/ he got better and went swimming after Sweezus, a very good guy.....

Now us, says Shorty-Tartus. 

Not yet, says Terence. He didn't make it, he drowned in the sea/ no one could find him and so/ two brave frogs decided to get on a surfboard and go/ ......now you.

We fell off / we thought we would die/ Unhappy floated by/ dead, with no fuss, he saved us/ another good guy, says Shorty-Tartus.

Terence can't believe how good their joint memorial poem is. 

He hopes Gaius hurries back with the spade.

Dark Lumpish Object

 Angourie Point.

Gaius gets out of the camper, followed by Roo-kai and Terence.

They head down to the beach.

Sweezus is surfing in on his surfboard.

Any luck? shouts Gaius.

No, says Sweezus. I reckon he's a goner. Must've got caught in a rip.

That's too bad, says Gaius. I'll walk along the shoreline and see if he's been washed in.

Yeah okay, says Sweezus. Surf's really good here. Swells from east northeast at the moment.

Very nice, says Gaius. 

Sweezus paddles out, just as Arthur surfs in.

Arthur is about to head out again when Gaius shouts: Arthur!

What is it? shouts Arthur.

We're back, says Gaius. I hear you have not found Unhappy. 

We tried, says Arthur.

I'm sure you did your best, says Gaius.

Where's Ludwig? asks Terence.

Still out there, says Arthur. Still looking.

At least someone has not given up on finding Unhappy, says Gaius.

He's not looking for Unhappy, says Arthur. 

What then? asks Gaius.

Don't worry, says Arthur. Frogs can swim, can't they.

The frogs! says Gaius. This is ill-omened!

What's happening? asks Terence.

Sounds like the frogs have also gone missing, says Roo-kai.

How did this...? begins Gaius. 

But the swells from east northeast are building. 

Ask Ludwig, says Arthur, as he heads out towards them.

Wittgenstein swishes in gracefully.

What's this about the frogs! asks Gaius.

The foolhardy frogs, says Wittgenstein. They insisted on helping. First big wave, and of course they fell in.

Tch! says Gaius. We must find them, they're our only means of comparison with the Slender Bleating tree frog. 

I understand that, says Wittgenstein. I'll keep looking.

He turns seawards and launches himself through a wave.

Come Terence and Roo-kai, says Gaius. We shall walk in this direction, keeping our eyes peeled.

I didn't get my treat yet, says Terence. That's another bad thing. 

That is not a bad thing, says Roo-kai. It's something to look forward to.

Indeed, says Gaius. Now what is that dark lumpish object I see in the distance?

I'll fly ahead and see, says Roo-kai.

He flies towards the dark lumpish object.

Useless Protection

What's the story? asks Roo-kai. And why are you driving?

Needs must, replies Gaius.  

Where's my treat? asks Terence.

All in good time, mutters Gaius.

He is not used to driving.

Have you renewed your licence? asks Roo-kai.

No I haven't, says Gaius. I really must do it.

Watch out! says Roo-kai.

Thank you, says Gaius, avoiding a low speed collision.

At least tell me what it is, says Terence.

What what is? asks Gaius.

My treat, says Terence.

I'll let Ludwig tell you, says Gaius.

Where is he? asks Terence.

Gaius takes the turnoff to Angourie Point.

He's out on the ocean, says Gaius. 

Surfing? asks Roo-kai.

I suppose you could say that, says Gaius. But really just paddling and searching.

What for? asks Terence.

Not Arthur and Sweezus! says Roo-kai.

No, no, says Gaius. They too will be paddling and searching. That's why I had to drive back to Yamba to collect you.

But what has been lost? asks Roo-kai.

Unhappy, says Gaius. He followed Sweezus out, and must have got into trouble. We found his pennyroyal crown, floating.

I knew it was useless protection, says Terence.

Poor Unhappy, says Roo-kai. He may be lying at the bottom of the ocean.

Wah! cries Terence.

I'm sure they'll locate him, says Gaius.

No! wails Terence. I left Monty behind!

Who is Monty? asks Gaius.

A toy horse, says Roo-kai. He'll still be in the dishwasher at the Bean Scene.

May I ask how Terence came by a toy horse? asks Gaius. 

I earned it, says Terence.

For being lost, says Roo-kai. It was my fault.

Let's go back! cries Terence.

No, says Gaius. Rescuing a dog, lost at sea, is more pressing than recovering a toy horse from a dishwasher.

And you'll get your treat sooner, says Roo-kai. We can pick Monty up later.

And my pot plant! says Terence. You left that behind too!

Dear me, says Gaius. How many unfortunate events can happen in twenty four hours?

Funny he should say that. 

It's about to get worse.

Slow Going

You must be the kid who lost the toy horse, says the kitchen hand.

I must be, says Terence. 

Okay, says the kitchen hand. Let's find it.

He lifts out a clean coffee mug. Hands it to Terence.

The coffee mug is warm, but it's empty.

Put it on that rack there, says the kitchen hand.

He hands Terence another one.

This is slow going.

Terence puts the second clean coffee mug  on the rack next to the first one.

Is this it? asks the kitchen hand, pointing at Monty who is under a grid at the bottom, forelegs uppermost.

Terence peers in.

Monty! says Terence.

Stand back, says the kitchen hand. He's jammed.

He forces Monty's forelegs back through the grid.

Now Monty is horizontal, in a puddle of water.

Hurry up with those dishes! shouts someone.

I'll have to unload the rest of the dishes, says the kitchen hand. 

He quickly unloads the rest of the dishes and rushes through to the café.

He does not come back for some time.

I'll get you out, Monty, says Terence.

Monty looks up. How will Terence do it?

Terence reaches in, through and down.

Grasps Monty by the tail, and drags him up sideways.

Monty's tail and bottom are out, but his legs are a problem.

Terence lets go of Monty.

He runs back to the front of the café, and out to the table where Roo-kai and Bronte are sitting. 

He is about to say Guess what, Monty's stuck, come and help me, when a campervan mounts the kerb in front of the Bean Scene, stopping suddenly.

Gaius gets out.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. Thank goodness for bollards! Hello Terence and Roo-kai. Very sensible of you to sit outdoors in front of a café where I could see you

Are you the guardian of this infant? asks Bronte.

You could say that, says Gaius.

Then my job is done, says Bronte. Have a good day.

He leaves.

Who was that? asks Gaius.

Bronte, says Terence. He thought I was missing, but I wasn't.

Of course you weren't, says Gaius. Hop in, we're going back to pick up the others.

Back tracking? says Roo-kai.

Long story, says Gaius. I'll explain on the way, and there's a treat for you, Terence.

If he hadn't said treat Terence might have remembered Monty.

But he doesn't.

Have I Died In The Dishwasher?

Terence comes out of the Bean Scene with a raspberry Fanta.

He sits down at the outdoor table.

Where's Monty?

Roo-kai looks up from his prawn.

Bronte looks up from his smoothie.

Someone's cleared the dirty mug away, says Roo-kai.

But Monty was in it! cries Terence.

Never mind, says Roo-kai. He still will be.

I'll go in and ask, says Bronte. You drink your Fanta.

Terence scowls at his Fanta.

Bronte comes out.

Monte is in the dishwasher, says Bronte. They won't switch it off.

Wah! says Terence. Monty will be neighing.

He'll be getting clean, says Roo-kai. 

They'll bring him out when the dishwasher's finished its cycle, says Bronte.

Terence sucks on his raspberry Fanta, but the joy has gone out of it.

Dishwashers are for dishes, not horses. Monty will be scared of the sound effects. 

Clang-prong-slush-woosh-grrum, clang-prong-woosh-gurrr, clang-prong-swoosh-grruum....ding!

Can I at least go in and wait for the ding? asks Terence.

I don't see why not, says Roo-kai.

Terence goes back into the café, and through to the kitchen.

No one sees him because they are busy.

He tiptoes up to the dishwasher.

He hears Monty neighing, and also loud clanging and swooshing.

He waits for the ding.

Inside the dishwasher Monty is jammed upside down in the coffee mug, between the curve of the mug and the prong.

Hot water squirts up into his face and around him, then cascades down his tail and hind quarters.

The water is soapy.

He slides out of the coffee mug, and becomes wedged in a grid.

He lies on his side amongst lentils.

Then, the dishwasher is silent.

Have I died? wonders Monty.

But no. It's just a pause before the rinse cycle.

Thump-gurr-swoosh-clang.

At last the dishwasher subsides to a state of inertia.

Drip drip.

Ding!

A kitchen hand hurries over to open the dishwasher.

Finally! says Terence

Monty Likes Germs

Roo-kai and Terence wait outside the Bean Scene in Yamba.

This is boring, says Terence.

What if we sit at a table? says Roo-kai. 

What good would that do? asks Terence.

You could play with your horse, and I could put down this pot plant, says Roo-kai.

Okay, says Terence.

They sit at an outdoor table, under an umbrella.

It would be good if we both had red drinks, says Terence.

Good if YOU had a red drink, says Roo-kai. And good if I had a mollusc.

Yes, says Terence. Why don't we order?

No money, says Roo-kai.

Parrots don't need money, says Terence.

They don't go to cafés, says Roo-kai.

Terence knows they do sometimes. 

He plays with his horse.

He is calling it Monty.

Up, Monty! says Terence.

Monty jumps into a dirty coffee mug.

Good Monty! says Terence.

Get him out! says Roo-kai. There might be germs in that coffee mug.

Monty likes germs, says Terence.

Suddenly, Bronte looms up before them.

Just doing due diligence, says Bronte. No one's picked you up yet?

Not yet, says Roo-kai.

Would you guys like a snack? asks Bronte. They do a good bacon and egg roll here.

Roo-kai looks offended.  

Or a prawn roll, says Bronte.

That might be nicer, says Roo-kai.

Bronte goes inside and comes back with a prawn roll and a frozen monkey smoothie.

Thanks, says Roo-kai. He starts picking the prawns out.

I only drink red drinks, says Terence. That one's brown.

This is a frozen monkey smoothie, says Bronte. Never mind, I'll have it.

What do I get? asks Terence.

How about a raspberry Fanta? says Bronte.

Yay! says Terence.

Here's some money. Go in and ask for one, says Bronte.

Terence goes in.

Roo-kai chews on cooked prawns and Bronte sucks up his brown smoothie.

A barista comes out and removes the dirty coffee mug, which has Monty inside.

Back To Where They Left Us

Sit here, says Bronte. Would you like a drink of water?

No, says Terence.

I need to get in touch with your parents, says Bronte.

They're not my parents, says Terence.

I must intervene here, says Roo-kai.

And why is that? asks Bronte.

This is all my fault, says Roo-kai. I'm in loco parentis.

You're a bird, says Bronte.

My parrot, says Terence.

More like an ibis, says Bronte.

I'm nothing like an ibis! says Roo-kai.

More like an ibis than a parrot, says Bronte.

Terence calls all his birds parrots, says Roo-kai. And we indulge him. It's a compliment really.

Yes, says Terence, parrots are the cleverest. 

Although that is debatable, says Roo-kai.

I'm confused, says Bronte. You're a fake parrot in loco parentis. Can you prove it?

Unfortunately not, says Roo-kai. But I do have credentials.

What kind of credentials? asks Bronte.

A medal from the French government, says Roo-kai. Chevalier des Clandestines.

Show me, says Bronte.

I think Terence has it, says Roo-kai.

I lost it, says Terence.

Again? says Roo-kai.

Enough of this, says Bronte. I need to write down a few details. The kid's called Terence?

Yes, says Roo-kai. And my name is Roo-kai.

How come you've got a Japanese name? asks Bronte.

It's not quite Japanese, says Roo-kai. It's Terence's version of Ryoukai.

Got it! says Bronte.

You know Japanese? says Rou-kai.

Not really, says Bronte. But I sometimes read manga. 

Stop talking, says Terence. You're supposed to be helping someone to find me,

There's really no need, says Roo-kai. Terence and I could go back to where Gaius and Wittgenstein left us, and wait there.

Are you really a Chevalier des Clandestines? asks Bronte.

Yes, says Roo-kai. 

Bronte looks at Roo-kai closely. The bird does look honest.

Go then, says Bronte. 

Roo-kai picks up the pot plant.

Angry Point

Terence has filled his bio-pot with potting mix, and made finger holes for his seedlings.

Put them in gently, says Mandy. Then water them in.

Terence does it. 

Was that fun? asks Roo-kai.

Yes. Now what? asks Terence.

We can only do free stuff, says Roo-kai. We could look in a toy shop.

He has spotted a toy shop. Come on.

Terence grips his pot of marigold seedlings firmly.

He follows Roo-kai to the toy shop.

An oystercatcher! Shoo! Shoo! cries the toy shop manager. 

Roo-kai leaves the toy shop.

Terence goes in.

That was my parrot!

I don't think so! says the manager. And you must leave too. For one thing, you are unaccompanied, and for another.....

What's unaccompanied? asks Terence.

On your own, says the manager.

I wasn't, says Terence. I had my parrot.

Let me show you the difference between an oystercatcher and a parrot, says the manager. Put that pot down, and come over here.

Terence puts the pot down.

The manager leads Terence over to a shelf of plastic Schleich models, reptiles, birds and mammals.

Observe! This is a parrot.

She picks up the parrot.

And? says Terence.

This is a swan, says the manager.

She is annoyed. She thought she had an oystercatcher. Someone must have nicked it.

Nice swan, says Terence.

His eye lights on a horse.

Not one horse but several. Brown ones and piebalds. Their manes tossing.

I'm getting a horse, says Terence.

Come back with a parent, says the manager. Then we'll see.

A real one, says Terence. Like this one but bigger.

Larger ones are more costly, says the manager. Where are your parents?

Outside, says Terence. 

Are you lost? asks the manager.

No, says Terence. They've gone to Angry Point. 

Angourie Point! says the manager. And they left you here! That's it. I'm calling security.

She gets on the phone.

We've got a lost kiddie. Yes. In the toy shop. No. Just a bird and a pot. 

Roo-kai is peering into the toy shop, waiting for Terence to come out.

He is thrust aside by Bronte, from security.

Where is he? asks Bronte.

Here, says the manager. Poor little chap. His parents have gone to Angourie Point. Some people!

Aw, says Bronte. Come here, kid. Would you like a toy?

He's not having a toy, says the manager.

Management will pay for it, says Bronte. Which toy would you like?

Terence is delighted. He chooses a horse. Mane tossing. 

He is marched out of the toyshop, and away to an office, down a back corridor.

Followed by Roo-kai, who has (boldly) retrieved Terence's pot.

It's Marigolds Today

Wittgenstein pulls up in Yamba.

Roo-kai  floats down to the pavement.

Well met, says Gaius, leaning out of the passenger side window.

I was waiting here for you, says Roo-kai.

Where is the Mazda? asks Wittgenstein, leaning over.

You must have passed it, says Roo-kai. 

We have not, says Wittgenstein. I would have noticed.

Angourie Point, says Roo-kai. South of Yamba. There was a turn-off.

Why didn't you wait for us there? asks Gaius.

Not my job, says Roo-kai.

Your job is being my parrot, says Terence, from the depths of the camper.

Forgive me, says Roo-kai.

Okay, says Terence. Get in.

No, get out, says Roo-kai. There are excellent things to do here in Yamba.

Can I? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Gaius. You stay with Roo-kai. We'll drive back to Angourie Point, and see what the lads are up to. 

Yay! says Terence. Where are we going? 

Yamba Fair, says Roo-kai.

Will there be horses? asks Terence.

Are you still going on about horses? asks Roo-kai. 

I have to, says Terence. All I'm getting so far is a slice of one.

I don't believe it, says Roo-kai. 

And I have to share it with Unhappy, says Terence.

He'll eat his half, says Roo-kai.

Terence looks alarmed.

I was joking, says Roo-kai.

They walk till they reach Yamba Fair, which is a shopping mall.

Roo-kai heads straight for Little Green Thumbs.

Hello! says Mandy. Have you come to plant your own seedlings? It's marigolds today.

She hands Terence a bio-pot, and shows him the potting mix.

Terence lines up behind three other kids.

Roo-kai watches. He would love to have his own bio-pot and fill it with marigold seedlings.

Water them daily, and watch them grow into glorious marigolds.

He hopes Terence will have the patience.

Not A Horse As Such

What's up? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Lots of stuff, says Quiet-Tartus. 

Shorty-Tartus feels a rumbling.

Are we on the move again? asks Shorty-Tartus.

That or Unhappy has sat on our cushion, says Quiet-Tartus.

I feel a rumbling, says Shorty-Tartus.

He's been eating cabbage, says Quiet-Tartus.

They squeeze out from under the cushion. No point sleeping now.

Wittgenstein has started the engine. The camper is moving.

They should have asked you, says Gaius.

They are young men, says Wittgenstein.

That's no excuse, says Gaius. 

Where's my parrot? asks Terence.

He'll be making his own way to Yamba, says Gaius. 

I don't think he likes me, says Terence.

Birds like their own space, says Gaius.

Lucky I'm getting a horse, says Terence.

You'll be getting something to do with a horse, says Wittgenstein. Not a horse as such. And first, I must inspect the Mazda for dog hairs.

What's not a horse as such? asks Terence.

Not an actual horse, says Gaius. You must understand that there would be no room for a horse in the camper.

I could ride it, says Terence. 

In front or behind? asks Wittgenstein.

Don't encourage him, says Gaius. 

I'm trying to imagine it, says Wittgenstein. Terence leading. Or trotting behind.

Leading, says Terence. 

This is an imaginary exercise, says Gaius. It is most likely you will receive a toy horse of some kind. 

Perhaps a Schleich, says Wittgenstein.

No way, says Terence. I want a whole horse.

Ha ha, laughs Wittgenstein. A Schleich, not a slice.

Speaking of sliced horses..... says Gaius. 

Which we weren't, says Wittgenstein.

No, we weren't, says Terence.

Well, I was, says Gaius. I believe many horses in this area were badly injured in the floods. Volunteers are doing their best to take care of them.

How kind, says Wittgenstein. Not everyone thinks of the plight of the horses. Perhaps Terence would like to sponsor one of the unfortunate creatures. I could make a donation. How would that please you Terence?

La la la, says Terence. I'm not even listening.

I am, says Unhappy. Everyone has been kind to me. I'll be a horse sponsor.

How would that be fair? asks Terence. It's my reward for picking up your dog hairs. 

Which you haven't done, says Unhappy. Anyway, it's not a horse as such. It's like you and Arthur's koala.

So it is, says Wittgenstein. You and Unhappy can share in the sponsorship.

Wonderful, says Gaius.

Terence is silent. 

The Missing And The Not Missing

Terence returns to the camper.

Guess what?

You've done it? says Wittgenstein.

Kind of, says Terence.

I shall go and inspect it, says Wittgenstein.

You can't inspect it, says Terence. 

I don't see why not, says Wittgenstein.

He looks out through the window.

And sees why not.

The Mazda has gone.

They said they'd meet us in Yamba, says Terence.

What's going on? asks Gaius.

It seems Arthur and Sweezus have decided to drive on to Yamba, says Wittgenstein.

Fair enough, says Gaius. We needed a stimulus.

He starts tidying up.

What about my breakfast? asks Unhappy. Where's my curly cabbage?

I though you were better, says Gaius.

Better, but hungry, says Unhappy.

Gaius takes the curly cabbage and slices fine shreds of it into a bowl.

Yummo, says Terence. I bet your stupid crown falls off when you eat it.

Unhappy lowers his head carefully, so that this will not happen.

Let's go, says Wittgenstein. Are we all present?

Except for the horse, says Terence. That's my present. Where is it?

You misunderstand, says Wittgenstein. I referred to the frogs and the parrot.

Don't tell me the frogs and the parrot are missing! says Gaius.

We are not missing! cries Quiet-Tartus, emerging from under a cushion. Are we leaving?

Yes, says Gaius. Heading north, towards Yamba.

Quiet-Tartus slides back under the cushion.

And goes back to sleep.

Dust Rises

 Sweezus and Arthur are still eating bread in the Mazda.

You're stopping me earning my horse, says Terence.

How's he earning a horse? asks Arthur/

Picking up all these dog hairs, says Sweezus. 

Has he started? asks Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus. But they all blew back in.

He should get a container, says Arthur.

Yeah he should, says Sweezus. Terence, go back to the camper and get a container.

Terence goes.

A horse? says Arthur. Where's it coming from?

Ludwig , says Sweezus. He says it's something related to a horse.

Like another horse, says Arthur.

Doubt it, says Sweezus. Might be a book about a horse.

Terence couldn't read it, says Arthur.

A picture book, says Sweezus. He could look at the pictures.

He takes out his phone, and googles horse picture books. There are many.

Arthur puts the keys in the ignition and turns on the radio.

Wittgenstein must have been listening to Classic FM.

It's Mahler's Symphony Number 2. 'Resurrection'.

Arthur quickly turns it off again but not before Sweezus has heard: Rise again my dust!

No way! says Sweezus. Did you know it was Easter?

No, says Arthur, pretending he didn't.

Sweezus looks dark and troubled. He hates Easter.

Tell you what, says Arthur. Why don't we head off to Yamba, right now. Best surf breaks in the country.

Sweezus looks tempted.

Yeah but, we ought to ask Ludwig.

 We've got the car keys, says Arthur. We can leave a message with Terence.

Terence has returned, without a container.

No worries, says Sweezus. Go back and tell them we'll meet them in Yamba.

What about my horse? asks Terence.

You'll find out in Yamba, says Arthur. 

Yeah, we'll clean this mess up, says Sweezus. 

Okay! says Terence, running back happily.

Earning A Horse

Breakfast, in the camper.

Gaius has found a large plate.

On it, he has placed slices of carrot, avocado and banana, in a concentric arrangement.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Did you buy any bread?

No! says Gaius. I didn't think to.

I'll get some, says Arthur.

He steps out of the camper.

Wittgenstein steps in, with the pot of pennyroyal, followed by Unhappy.

A somewhat straggly specimen, says Gaius. But I suppose it will do. 

Woof! says Unhappy. I'm better!

He claims to feel better, says Wittgenstein.

Excellent, says Gaius. 

But he has to wear it in his ears, says Terence. You said so.

It would be advisable, says Gaius. Perhaps you would do the honours.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

Stick some behind his ears, says Sweezus.

The assistant at the plant nursery suggested a garland, says Wittgenstein.

I'll help you, says Sweezus, He pulls off a few sprigs of pennyroyal.

The whole camper smells minty.

Do it like this, says Sweezus, twisting the sprigs of pennyroyal into a shape with two ear holes.

Wah! wails Terence. I was supposed to do it! 

Never mind, says Wittgenstein. I have a job for you. And if you do it, there will be a reward.

Yes! cries Terence. Will it be a horse?

It will relate to a horse, says Wittgenstein. 

What do I have to do? asks Terence.

Pick all the dog hairs off the passenger seat of the Mazda, says Wittgenstein.

For a horse? says Terence.

Wait and see, says Wittgenstein.

Come on! says Terence.

Give me the keys, says Sweezus. I'll take him.

Wittgenstein gives Sweezus the keys to the Mazda.

A horse! A horse! sings Terence.

That's not what he said, little buddy, says Sweezus. 

He opens the door of the Mazda.

That's a shitload of dog hairs! says Sweezus.

Terence starts picking away at the dog hairs. He throws the picked-off ones behind him.

They float in the air lightly.

Some of them float back into the Mazda and land on the driver's seat. 

Stop, says Sweezus. You're making it worse. 

Arthur comes by, with a loaf of bread he has obtained by some means.

Want some? says Arthur.

Yeah, thanks bro, says Sweezus. 

They get into the Mazda.

They sit in the Mazda, on the dog hairs, eating bread, dropping breadcrumbs.

Why are you out here? asks Arthur.

Earning a horse, says Terence. But you don't make it easy.

Proper Tea

Wittgenstein receives a text message, from Gaius. 

Meet us outside Farmer Lou's.

I assume that's the fruit and veg shop, says Wittgenstein.

He checks the location on his smart phone. 

Sorry about the dog hairs, says Unhappy.

You cannot help having them, says Wittgenstein. You should see the hairs in my bathroom.

That is a kind thing to say, says Unhappy. 

I had not meant it as a kind thing to say, says Wittgenstein.

Nevertheless, says Unhappy.

I might ask Terence to pick them off for me, says Wittgenstein. I could reward him.

He can have this pennyroyal, says Unhappy.

I doubt Terence would ever suffer from a headache, says Wittgenstein.

But I don't want it, says Unhappy.

We will leave that to Gaius, says Wittgenstein. 

He pulls up outside Farmer Lou's.

The camper is parked there. 

Wittgenstein leaves Unhappy in the Mazda, and enters Farmer Lou's.

What a vivid array of fruit and vegetables Farmer Lou has.

Gaius is looking for curly cabbage. 

Sweezus and Arthur are eating green apples.

Did you obtain the pennyroyal? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Wittgenstein. I was given it, gratis.

Why was that? asks Gaius.

The assistant liked my joke, says Wittgenstein.

You made a joke? says Gaius.

It isn't unheard of, says Wittgenstein. In fact I'm working on a second.

 Perhaps you might tell it to Farmer Lou, says Gaius. We could get a discount.

Jokes must come up naturally, says Wittgenstein. I can't just go over to the counter and say: Why do all Marxists drink herbal tea?

No, of course not, says Gaius. It was a silly suggestion. Aha! I've spotted a curly cabbage!

Gaius adds the curly cabbage to his basket of carrots, avocadoes and bananas.

He goes across to the counter.

Fifteen dollars eighty, says the assistant, who is not Farmer Lou.

Very pricey, says Gaius. Any chance of a discount?

Half a cabbage would be cheaper, suggests the assistant

That is not a discount, says Gaius. By the way, why do Marxists drink herbal tea?

Don't know, says the assistant. Are you a Marxist?

It's a joke, to which I don't know the answer, says Gaius.

To a Marxist, proper tea is theft, says Wittgenstein, coming up behind Gaius.

Proper tea? says the assistant. How is that funny?

She takes a sharp knife from under the counter, and slices the cabbage.

Which reduces the bill down to thirteen dollars twenty.

But then:

Two dollars each for the green apples, says the assistant. I assume those two guys are with you.

A Magic Garland

Wittgenstein pulls up outside the Country Road plant nursery, in South Grafton.

Come in with me, says Wittgenstein.

Will I be welcome? asks Unhappy.

We'll see, says Wittgenstein. If dogs are not welcome, we'll plead special circumstances.

Woof, says Unhappy.

They go in.

Welcome says the plant nursery assistant. Nice dog you have there. 

She attempts to pat Unhappy, who recoils sharply.

Oh! says the plant nursery assistant. Does your dog have a headache?

He is not my dog, says Wittgenstein. But he does have a headache.

Pennyroyal! says the plant nursery assistant. That's what he needs.

Just what I've come here to buy, says Wittgenstein. I've been told if he wears it behind his ears, he'll be protected from injury, cold, heat and thirst.

That's a long stretch, says the assistant. But it might cure his headache. Come over here, to the herbs.

She leads them to a table of pots, with herbs growing in them.

Parsley, thyme, dill, oregano, basil. And pennyroyal. A small creeping herb with a light purple flower, which smells minty.

Unhappy sniffs. Woof! Too minty!

He appears not to like it, says the assistant. He won't keep it behind his ears if he doesn't.

Perhaps you could weave it into a garland, says Wittgenstein.

Not my job, says the assistant.

Nor mine, says Wittgenstein.

What is your job? asks the assistant.

I'm a philosopher, says Wittgenstein. 

Is that a job? asks the assistant.

It can be, says Wittgenstein. I have published two treatises, and I sometimes give lectures.

And he tells jokes, says Unhappy.

Oh really? I love jokes, says the assistant. Tell me one.

Wittgenstein does not think the root two joke is suitable, so he casts about for another.

What is a wolf that studies philosophy called? asks Wittgenstein.

I don't know, says the assistant.

A self aware wolf, says Wittgenstein.

Ha ha, that's classic! says the assistant. It even made your dog laugh.

This is true. Unhappy is laughing. Because he knows what wolves are, if not root two.

The upshot:

The assistant gives Wittgenstein a free pot of pennyroyal, (one that's grown a bit straggly), and walks with him out to the Mazda.

She spots the dog hairs on the passenger seat.

You need one of those magic brushes, says the assistant.

Thank you, says Wittgenstein. I'll keep it in mind.

As a philosopher, however, he does not believe in magic brushes.

Root Two Success

Morning. 

Gaius is already up.

What's for breakfast? Not much. 

Half a cold burger and several cold chips wrapped in paper.

He puts on the kettle.

Wittgenstein wakes up.

Ughh! says Wittgenstein. I slept badly.

As did I, says Gaius. I dreamed of tomatoes.

Sweezus rolls over onto a frog. 

Aiee! shouts Quiet-Tartus. Remember my headache!

Shit, sorry, says Sweezus. I was dreaming of flies.

Ha ha, says Terence. Were they French flies?

Yeah, they were, says Sweezus. Long and greasy.

Seems we all had bad dreams, says Gaius. Except Arthur. Look at him sleeping like an innocent.

Sweezus kicks Arthur. Wake up, bro! Breakfast!

There is no breakfast, says Gaius. Unless you want these.

He indicates the half burger and shakes several stiff chips from the paper.

No way, says Sweezus. Hey, aren't we going to a fruit and veg shop this morning?

Indeed we are, says Gaius. We'll delay breakfast.

Must we all go? asks Wittgenstein. 

Not necessarily, says Gaius. We need pennyroyal as well. You could save us some time by visiting the plant nursery in south Grafton. Take Unhappy with you. Once you have purchased the plant, take two cuttings and place one behind each of his ears. 

Woof! says Unhappy.

You'll look stupid, says Terence.

But Unhappy does not think he'll look stupid. He will look like Julius Caesar, or someone like that.

Come, Unhappy, says Wittgenstein, glad of a mission, and not yet having thought about dog hairs contaminating the seats of the Mazda.

He and Unhappy set off for the plant nursery.

How is your headache this morning? asks Wittgenstein.

Bad! says Unhappy. Terence told dog and frog jokes all night.

That should have taken your mind off your headache, says Wittgenstein.

They were not straightforward, says Unhappy.

How would you like a philosophy joke? asks Wittgenstein. 

I won't know till I hear it, says Unhappy.

What do you get when you mix philosophy with mathematics? asks Wittgenstein.

What? asks Unhappy.

A subject called 'root two success' says Wittgenstein. 

That's very good, says Unhappy.

It is unclear whether he has understood it.

Wittgenstein does not pursue it. 

He has noticed the back of the seat Unhappy is sitting on is covered in dog hairs. 

Aftertaste In The Morning

 It's half way between late-at-night and early morning.

Rain patters down on the roof of the camper.

The sleepers are dreaming.

Gaius dreams about slices of tomato. He is pulling them out of sandwiches, wraps and buns. He is piling them up on a saucer. The tower of tomato slices grows taller, and collapses. Soggy red tomato slices are all over the floor. He is wading through them. The tomato seeds stick to his toes. When he looks down at his feet, he appears to be wearing socks made from tomatoes.....

Wittgenstein is dreaming of water. Water is filling the Mazda. He is inside the Mazda. and can't open the windows. He fears he will drown.

Arthur is dreaming of a low sun spotted with mystic horrors. He has dreamed it before. Though it always seems different.

Sweezus is dreaming of French flies.

Because his bed is nearest to Terence, the frogs and Unhappy, who are deconstructing their earlier jokes.

Shorty-Tartus is explaining French flies to Terence.

French fries are long skinny potato chips, says Shorty-Tartus. And French flies sounds similar.

Do they buzz? asks Terence.

Some do, says Shorty-Tartus. But most flies are silent.

So how come they're French? asks Terence.

They're just called that because they're skinny, says Shorty-Tartus. They don't speak French. It wouldn't be funny in French.

No, says Quiet-Tartus. It's only funny in frog. Get this. What do frogs DRINK at Macdonald's?

Wait, wait, says Unhappy. I've got this...something to do with a penguin.....

No you haven't, says Quiet-Tartus. It's a frog joke.

What then? asks Terence.

Diet Croak! says Quiet-Tartus.

Ho ho ho, laughs Shorty-Tartus.

Sweezus stirs.

Shifts his position.

Diet Croak. His dream turns dark and carbonated.

There will be an aftertaste in the morning.

French Flies

Time to turn in, says Gaius. Early start in the morning.

What for? asks Sweezus.

A trip to the fruit and veg shop, says Gaius. And a plant nursery.

Oh yeah, for curly cabbage, says Sweezus. Okay.

I'll just check that the Mazda is locked, and the windows are closed, says Wittgenstein. 

He steps out of the camper.

And onto a frog.

Ouch! cries Quiet-Tartus. Watch where you're stepping!

I didn't expect you to be there, says Wittgenstein. Sorry.

He helps Quiet-Tartus inside.

Shorty-Tartus, who has not been stepped on, follows.

Dear me, says Gaius. What's happened?

He's squashed! cries Terence. Quiet-Tartus is ruined!

I'm not ruined, snaps Quiet-Tartus. I just have a headache.

That is troubling, says Gaius. Do you think you will get through the night?

Probably, grumbles Quiet-Tartus.

I'll sit up with him, says Shorty-Tartus.

Me too, says Terence. Come over here. I'll tell you some frog jokes.

The two frogs hop over to Terence who is sitting beside Unhappy, who is dozing.

What's a frog's favourite instrument? asks Terence.

Unhappy stops dozing and pricks up his ears.

Try penguin, he whispers.

A penguin? says Quiet-Tartus.

What? says Terence.

Nothing, says Quiet-Tartus. Just a mad guess. What's the answer?

A trom-BONE, says Terence.

That's a dog joke, says Unhappy. 

I know, says Terence. But I'm calling it a frog joke because I'm asking a frog.

Tricky, says Shorty-Tartus. Want to hear a cement kid joke?

No, says Terence. Wait, yes, okay.

What do cement kids eat at Macdonald's? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Nothing, says Terence. 

It's a JOKE, says Shorty-Tartus. Have a guess.

Can't, says Terence. What's the answer? 

French flies, says Shorty-Tartus.

Ha ha, laughs Unhappy. It was a frog joke! 

Here's another one, says Shorty-Tartus. What do you call a sad frog?

What? asks Terence, who didn't get the joke about French flies.

Unhoppy! says Shorty-Tartus.

Ha ha ha! Even Terence gets this one. 

Penguin To Dog

Sweezus and Arthur have come back with six burgers and four serves of chips.

Why six burgers? asks Gaius. 

Some of us might be hungry, says Sweezus. How's the dog?

We've named him Unhappy, says Wittgenstein, unwrapping his burger.

Yeah, good name, says Sweezus, patting Unhappy.

Unhappy is being patted by Sweezus, who saved him. He also smells burgers.

He has become less unhappy.

What kind of burger is this? asks Wittgenstein.

Plain, says Sweezus. They were close to closing and only made these as a favour.

Gaius inspects his.

A beef patty, lettuce, tomato and cheese in a bun.

He picks out the tomato.

Anyone want this?

No one does.

Terence and Roo-kai return from night hunting.

You're both wet, says Gaius. Is there a towel?

Wittgenstein gets up to look.

Catch anything? asks Arthur.

A mouse, says Terence. But the frogs didn't want it. And a worm, which they did.

Terence has come back to cheer up Unhappy, says Roo-kai. He says he knows how to.

Yes, says Terence. I know how to.

He goes over to Unhappy, who again is unhappy, since Sweezus stopped patting him, and no titbits have yet come his way. 

Hey, says Terence. Want to hear a funny dog joke?

Why not? thinks Unhappy.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white? asks Terence.

Unhappy does not know the answer.

A dog rolling down hill, says Terence.

That's a penguin joke, if I'm not mistaken, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. A penguin rolling down hill. Makes more sense if it's a penguin.

Or if the dog's black and white, says Wittgenstein. 

It IS black and white, says Terence. The dog is.

Unhappy, who is not black and white, is confused.

If Terence had said the answer was a black and white dog rolling down hill, the joke would have been funny.

Why didn't he?

Want another one? asks Terence.

Unhappy nods, which does not help his headache.

What do dogs eat for lunch? asks Terence.

Unhappy thinks hard. What if this joke too is really about a penguin?

If it is, there is only one answer.

Ice-burgers.

Perhaps he should mime it.

He shivers and points at Sweezus's burger.

Sweezus breaks off a small chunk of beef patty, and feeds him.

Woooof! This beats getting credit for the answer.

Okay Grumpy

It is dark, and still raining in Grafton.

Sweezus and Arthur have gone off in the Mazda, to look for somewhere to buy chips and burgers.

Gaius and Wittgenstein have remained in the camper, with Roo-kai and Unhappy.

Unhappy has a terrible headache.

And he is feeling abandoned, since his saviour has gone.

Where is Terence? asks Gaius, suddenly realising that Terence is missing.

He sneaked off with the frogs, says Roo-kai.

Tch! says Gaius. The little scallywag was determined to go night hunting.

Should we go and find him? asks Wittgenstein.

I'll go, says Roo-kai. You two stay here and keep dry.

Roo-kai squeezes out through the half open window.

He heads for the beautiful trees.

He stops when he reaches the first one.

He listens.

He hears rain falling on leaves, river water rushing, and a frog's voice saying, oh no, we don't ever eat mice.

And Terence voice saying: What shall I do with this mouse then?

And Quiet-Tartus saying: Leave it for an owl.

And Terence saying: No way. We should bury it.

And Shorty-Tartus saying : You stepped on it. You bury it.

And Terence saying: Okay, grumpy.

And the sound of (Terence presumably) digging.

And then Terence: Look guys! A worm!

And a mad scramble.

Hello all, says Roo-kai. I couldn't help overhearing that Terence has uncovered a worm.

Quiet-Tartus: We could have found our own dinner.

Terence: Then how come you didn't? 

Shorty-Tartus: Because of your big cement feet alerting all the insects and spiders and crickets. 

Quiet-Tartus: And the cockroaches, moths and larvae.

Roo-kai: I don't think larvae would be alerted.

Quiet-Tartus: Point taken. Now let us get on with dividing this worm.

Roo-kai: Come on, Terence, we should go back to the camper. Unhappy is very unhappy.

Terence: Who's unhappy?

Roo-kai: Unhappy the dog. He has come to, with a terrible headache, and has to wait until morning for Gaius's cure.

Terence: I know how to make him feel better!

Quiet-Tartus: Great, off you go then.

Roo-kai and Terence tramp back to the camper, leaving the frogs to finish their worm and continue night hunting under the beautiful trees.

Incorrectly In Heaven

This dog is not well at all, says Gaius. 

We know, says Sweezus. Should we look for a vet?

No need, says Gaius. Two sprigs of pennyroyal should revive him.

Yeah, like, where do we get that from? asks Sweezus.

A herbalist's garden, says Gaius.

They have been following the Mazda. 

The Mazda has stopped. 

Sweezus pulls in behind it.

Wittgenstein, Terence and the frogs get out of the Mazda.

This is Corcoran Park, says Wittgenstein. It features river views and beautiful trees.

Good, says Gaius. The frogs can go night hunting, while we deal with this dog.

Let me see it, says Wittgenstein. This dog has concussion!

Can I go night hunting? asks Terence.

No one answers. 

Yay, says Terence quietly. Come on team!

He sneaks away, with Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus, towards the beautiful trees.

As we don't have curly cabbage or pennyroyal, says Gaius, a sniff of menthol might be helpful.

I'll look in the back, says Sweezus. Might find some old cough lollies.

He goes to the back of the camper and slides open a drawer.

Yes! There is a short screwed-up end of a packet of Butter Menthols, with one butter menthol inside.

Midge must have left it, when her last cough got better.

Wonderful, says Gaius. The gods are smiling.

He unwraps the butter menthol.

Holds it under the nose of Unhappy.

Nothing happens.

I'll start it off, says Gaius. 

He puts it in his mouth in order to wet it and release fumes of menthol.

Unhappy experiences a kind of a seizure.

His lips draw back, revealing that some teeth are missing.  Gaius quickly inserts the butter menthol.

Perhaps I shouldn't have done that, says Gaius. He could easily choke on it.

 At least you'll have tried, says Sweezus.

Unhappy coughs.

His eyes open.

The first person he sees is Sweezus, looking down.

Ahh! My saviour! 

He does not in fact say this, but it will be hard to get rid of him now.

He's looking better, says Sweezus.

We'll find some pennyroyal in the morning, says Gaius. If he wears it behind his ears it will serve to protect him from further injury. We'll feed him curly cabbage for breakfast.

Unhappy thinks, incorrectly, that he is in heaven.

Unhappy Requires Curly Cabbage

Sweezus stops the camper.

He has run over a dog.

Arthur gets out.

The dog looks up at Arthur.

It's not dead, says Arthur. Shall I...?

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Arthur picks up the dog.

Put him in the back seat with Terence and Roo-kai, says Sweezus. Is he bleeding?

No, says Arthur. But he doesn't look happy.

The unhappy dog lies on the back seat beside Terence.

Terence pats his head.

Feel anything? asks Roo-kai.

A lump, says Terence.

Probably where he was hit, says Sweezus.

He might have concussion, says Arthur.

Call Gaius, says Sweezus. He'll know what to do.

Arthur calls Gaius.

Where are you? asks Gaius. 

In Grafton, says Arthur. Where are you?

On the Bendy Bridge, says Gaius. Watching the sunset. Not that it's......

We're almost there, says Arthur. There's an injured dog with us. 

Why is that? asks Gaius.

We ran over him in the camper, says Arthur. He's got a lump on his head.

Give him curly cabbage, says Gaius.

Sure, says Arthur. Where are we supposed to get curly cabbage?

Any fruit and vegetable shop worth its salt, says Gaius. But come here first. I'll take a look at him.

Bendy Bridge, says Arthur.

Where the hell's that? asks Sweezus.

Over the river, says Arthur. I can see it. 

The Bendy Bridge spans the mighty Clarence River, and is a great spot for watching the sun rise or set, although not this evening.

The rain does not look like stopping.

Sweezus drives onto the Bendy Bridge (so named because it is bendy).

The Mazda has stopped there. 

Gaius sees the camper approaching, and gets out.

At last! says Gaius. We're glad to see you. Where's this dog?

In the back, says Sweezus. Get in.

Wittgenstein has remained in the Mazda, with the two frogs.

We're planning to spend the night at Corcoran Park, says Gaius. Ludwig will lead the way and we'll follow.

Can I go with him? asks Terence. I want to tell the frogs about the koala.

Okay, says Sweezus. 

At last everyone is in their chosen vehicle.

Except for Unhappy the dog, at whom Gaius is looking.

His eyes have rolled back in his head, and his limbs become flaccid.

This may require more than curly cabbage.

Proof Of Half Truth

It's not far to Grafton.

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Nearly, says Sweezus. Call Gaius and ask where he is.

Me? says Terence.

You've got my phone, says Sweezus. You can do it.

Terence presses the phone icon.

Chooses a number.

Ring ring. Arthur's phone rings.

You've called me, says Arthur. 

Where's Gaius? asks Terence.

How should I know? says Arthur. You need to find his number and call him.

I was, says Terence. He might be next.

He finds the next contact. Calls the number.

Hello? says Vello. Sweezus? 

Shit! says Sweezus. The boss! 

It's me, says Terence. Guess what! I've got half a koala.

Terence, says Vello. Half a koala. Was it run over?

No, says Terence. Adopted. Half by me. Want to see a photo?

No....oh, all right, yes, says Vello. Send it.

Terence sees a camera icon, presses it. A photo appears, but it's not the koala. 

He sends it to Vello.

Looks like the back end of the Big Banana, says Vello. 

Wah! says Terence. Why can't I send the koala?

Give me the phone, says Arthur.

Is that you Sweezus? asks Vello. 

No it's me, Arthur, says Arthur. I've got a printed photo of the koala. If you want I'll  send you a copy.

Why on earth would you want to do that? says Vello.

I thought you wanted to see it, says Arthur. It won't take a minute.

He takes  a photo of the printed photo of Ninja, and sends it to Vello.

Very nice, says Vello. Thanks for that. It's not like you to be so helpful.

It's half my koala, says Arthur.

You don't say. And where's Sweezus? asks Vello.

Driving, says Arthur. I'll put you on speaker.

Sweezus could do without that.

Hey boss. How you doing?

We're incredibly busy, says Vello. 

That's good, says Sweezus. 

Why did you call me? asks Vello.

Accident, says Sweezus. Meant to call Gaius. He's somewhere in Grafton, with frogs. We're on our way up to the Gold Coast.

Raining cats and dogs, is it? asks Vello.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

As if to prove the half truth of this, a dog runs into the road.

Screech! Thud. Bugger!

Running From The Alien

They drive on, towards Grafton.

It's raining heavily, but the camper windows are open.

The wipers are swishing. Frop-frip-frop.

A feathery mass lands on the front windscreen.

Sweezus stops.

It's Roo-kai.

Thanks, says Roo-kai, coming in through the passenger window. It's too wet for flying.

Sure is, says Sweezus. 

You didn't wait for me, says Roo-kai.

Sorry, says Sweezus. 

I stayed behind to have a few words with Ninja, says Roo-kai.

He's half mine now, says Terence. Did you tell him?

How could I tell him? says Roo-kai. 

You are half Terence's, says Terence. That's how.

At the time I didn't know that, says Roo-kai. I simply warned him not to expect to see too much of Arthur.

And did he answer? asks Arthur.

He answered with a sound that could be interpreted in several ways, says Roo-kai.

Prrrrt! says Terence.

Something like that, says Roo-kai. Why are the windows open?

Mexican beans, says Sweezus. Squeeze through to the back and get dry.

We saw the Big Banana, says Terence. I took a photo.

I saw it too, says Roo-kai. 

I've been inside it, says Terence.

Not today? says Roo-kai.

A long time ago, says Terence. At night, with the Magpie.

First I've heard of the Magpie, says Sweezus. 

It could make train noises, says Terence. It could even do crashes.

Yeah, magpies can do that, says Sweezus.

We saw an alien, says Terence. A red alien glowing inside the banana.

No wonder Farky wouldn't go in, says Sweezus.

I bet it was a drinks fridge, says Arthur. 

Yeah, probably, says Sweezus.

Terence remembers that, yes, it was a drinks fridge. And the red glowing alien was a sports drink.

But it had been scary.

And Farky had run away. 

Friends Are For

It's raining when they arrive in Coffs Harbour. 

Sweezus stops at the Big Banana.

Take a good look, says Sweezus. We're not getting out.

But I want to, says Terence.

Too bad, says Sweezus. Here, take a photo.

He hands Terence his phone.

Set it up first, says Terence. 

Terence hands the phone back.

Ring! The phone rings, at that moment. 

It's Gaius.

Where are you? asks Gaius. 

Big Banana, says Sweezus.

We're in Grafton, says Gaius. It's raining.

Same here, says Sweezus. We've just stopped for some snacks.

Well, hurry up, says Gaius. Ludwig and I and the frogs are waiting here in the Mazda.

No worries, says Sweezus. See you shortly.

Photo! says Terence.

Sweezus sets up the phone so that Terence only has to press one white button.

Click.

Good, says Sweezus. Now you've got that to remind you.

Terence looks at his photo of the Big Banana.

It is just of one end. 

He shows it to Arthur.

Interesting angle, says Arthur.

Okay, says Sweezus. We're done here. Let's look for a café.

They drift slowly through Coffs in the camper looking for a café.

The Happy Frog!  All Day Breakfast! says Arthur.

Sweezus pulls up. They enter and order.

Two serves of Mexican Beans on sourdough toast with cheese and sour cream.

Three drinks.

A Metabolizer for Arthur, a Whole Earth for Sweezus and a Veg Out for Terence (featuring beetroot). 

This has got pumpkin seeds in it, says Sweezus.

This has got spinach, says Arthur.

Wanna swap? asks Sweezus.

They swap. That's what friends are for.

Like yeah, when you don't read the full list of ingredients in your special blend smoothie.

Terence likes his, though. Carrot and beetroot and ginger. It's red.

Can I see my photo again? asks Terence.

Sweezus brings the photo up on his phone.

Did you go into the Big Banana with Unni? asks Sweezus.

No, says Terence. I went in. But not with Unni. 

Just with Farky, says Sweezus. 

No he waited outside, says Terence. It was night time. He was too scared to come in.

Too scared? That wasn't like the old Farky.

Sweezus looks pensive.

Arthur thinks maybe Sweezus should get a new dog.

Tree Rhymes

 Is banala a word? asks Terence.

Not that I know of, says Sweezus.

Trying to think of a rhyme for koala? asks Arthur.

No, says Terence. 

A poem doesn't have to rhyme, says Arthur.

Yeah that's true, says Sweezus. Remember that poem you wrote about the fig tree?

That's not a good example, says Arthur.

Say it, says Terence. 

I passed a fig tree / and perceived the whole tree/ I am like the fig tree..... says Arthur.

They're the best rhymes ever, says Terence.

Except they're not rhymes, says Sweezus.

I don't care, says Terence. Now I've got an example.

He thinks a bit more.

Then...

Got it! says Terence.

I passed a koala, a whole koala, I'm like the koala.....

You're just copying Arthur, says Sweezus.

It's not finished, says Terence.

He continues.

Except he's at the zoo, the koala/ and I'm at the Big Banala.

Not yet, says Arthur.

You going to let him get away with banala? says Sweezus.

Depends how he ends it, says Arthur.

I have ended it, says Terence. At the Big Banala.

Do you want to hear the rest of mine? asks Arthur. 

More tree rhymes? says Terence. No thanks.

I am the same as the leaves/ and the cells of which leaves are fabricated/ but this is only true if...

Leaves are like fingers! says Sweezus.

You remembered, says Arthur.

I never really got it, says Sweezus. 

I'm not like the fig tree, says Arthur. That was my point.

My poem is better, says Terence. Because, want to know why?

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Claws, says Terence.

I don't remember any claws in it, says Sweezus.

That's my point, says Terence.

Sweezus and Arthur confer briefly.

Then.....

It's good, says Arthur. You get a half share in the baby koala. Congratulations.

Yay! says Terence. 

He is proud of his poem.

Proud of what's in it, and prouder of what he left out.

Impala Or Gala or Mahler

The rain is easing.

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Sweezus. But we'll stop off in Coffs Harbour to buy snacks.

I've been there before! says Terence. Can we see the Big Banana?

We'll be driving past it, says Sweezus.

When were you there? asks Arthur.

A long time ago, says Terence. I was with Unni.

Oh, Unni.

And Farky, says Terence. When his teeth all got broken.

Yeah, says Sweezus. The omniscient teeth. I remember.

They knew everything, says Terence.

It did seem that way, says Sweezus.

Arthur decides to change the subject.

Have you popped all the bubble wrap? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Terence. 

Want to look at Ninja's adoption papers? asks Arthur.

Okay, says Terence.

There's a photo and a paw print, says Arthur.

Terence looks at the photo of Ninja, and the paw print.

All that for a stupid poem, says Terence. You were lucky.

I'm always lucky, says Arthur.

Can I share him? asks Terence.

If you come up with a poem, says Arthur. 

Easy, says Terence.

It's not that easy, says Sweezus. It should be a good one.

It will be, says Terence. Wait while I think of a rhyme.

Silence in the camper.

The wipers are no longer needed.

Arthur picks at the edges of his bandaids.

Sweezus thinks about Farky.

He was really fond of that dog.

Terence tries to think of a rhyme for koala.

He doesn't know impala, or gala, or Mahler.

(Not that these rhymes would be useful).

Does He Do Ninja Moves?

Arthur comes out of the breeding centre with the paperwork.

He has officially adopted Ninja, the baby koala.

Okay, let's go, says Sweezus.

Where's Ninja? asks Terence.

Ninja stays here, says Arthur. But we can visit him any time the zoo's open.

It's open now, says Terence.

Yeah, but we're going, says Sweezus. 

Veronica sticks her head out.

You're not leaving without seeing Ninja?

I guess not, says Sweezus. Where is he?

Veronica points to a cage of koalas, who are either sleeping or chewing.

That one's Ninja.

Does he do Ninja moves? asks Terence.

Sometimes, says Veronica.

Terence tries a Ninja move. A back flip and twist. 

Without the actual flip. 

Or much of a twist.

Ninja stops chewing, scratches his bottom, and resumes chewing.

That's not a Ninja move, says Terence.

Even Ninjas sometimes scratch their bottoms, says Veronica.

I don't, says Terence. 

This is Arthur Rimbaud, Ninja, says Veronica. He's adopted you in exchange for an original poem

A bargain, says Arthur. 

I'm sure Ninja thinks so, says Veronica.

Okay, we're off now, says Sweezus. 

That was good adopting, says Terence. Goodbye Ninja. You need to practise.

Ninja spits out a gum nut. 

Sweezus, Arthur and Terence leave the Billabong Zoo and head for the camper.

Roo-kai lingers.

He facilitated this adoption. He feels he should speak.

I'm afraid you won't see much of Arthur, says Roo-kai. But, have a good life.

Prrfft! says Ninja.

Roo-kai takes that to mean Thanks.

Green Arses Out

That your kid? asks Veronica.

Our statue, says Arthur.

A mobile statue? says Veronica.

Yes, says Arthur. This one's different. Most statues move imperceptibly.

Like koalas, says Veronica. They sleep almost all day. How's the poem going?

I'm working on it, says Arthur. It starts like this: Disinfectant reminds us of leaves.

Hey, that's good, says Veronica. It does smell of eucalyptus, come to think if it.

Our eyes roll back inside our heads with the fumes/ Our green arses...

Not allowed says Veronica. 

My poem, says Arthur. Their green arses.

This isn't working, says Veronica. No arses. Try describing their dear little faces.

Our spoon shaped noses swoon in the blue delirium, says Arthur.

They're not dolphins, says Veronica. That's it. You're not going to adopt one.

Okay, says Arthur. Suit yourself. But feel free to use spoon-shaped.

Veronica nods curtly. 

He joins Sweezus and Terence outside the koala breeding centre.

What happened? asks Sweezus.

I blew it, says Arthur. Looks like I don't get to adopt one.

I want to adopt one, says Terence. What's adopt?

Be like a parent, says Sweezus. Pay for its stuff.

I don't want to, says Terence. When are we going?

Now, says Sweezus. Come on. Where's Roo-kai?

Roo-kai comes out of the breeding centre. 

Good news, says Roo-kai. Arthur's adopting a baby koala called Ninja.

How'd that happen? asks Sweezus.

I told Veronica he was Arthur Rimbaud, says Roo-kai. It made all the difference.

The poem wasn't finished, says Arthur.

She doesn't want you to finish it, and she said she'll keep the green arses, says Roo-kai.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. 

You'll get a photo and bio, a certificate of adoption, a paw print and a quarterly news letter, says Roo-kai. 

When? asks Arthur.

Now, says Roo-kai. Go back in and meet Ninja.

This is embarrassing. Arthur goes back inside

You'd Think Differently

We should be getting back to the entrance, says Roo-kai.

Not yet! says Terence. 

They'll be waiting, says Roo-kai.

I haven't seen all the animals, says Terence.

It's too wet, says Roo-kai. They'll be sheltering.

This is a bad day, says Terence. 

Yes, says Roo-kai. Say goodbye to the monkey.

Bye, says Terence. 

Plooey, says the monkey. Pop! Ha ha!

They head for the entrance, which is close to the  koala breeding centre, which Sweezus and Arthur have gone into.

This isn't a hospital, says Veronica. It's a breeding centre.

No worries, says Sweezus. 

But here's a couple of bandaids, says Veronica. And two for your friend.

Thanks, says Sweezus. 

Disinfectant? asks Veronica.

Not for me, says Arthur.

You might be sorry, says Veronica.

I'm never sorry, says Arthur.

That's a weird thing to say, says Veronica, handing bottle of disinfectant-for-koalas to Sweezus.

He's a poet, says Sweezus. 

Not many of them about these days, says Veronica.

Because we don't use disinfectant, says Arthur.

Very funny, says Veronica. I imagine you'd think differently if you were a koala.

Yeah, he would, says Sweezus. 

Would either of you like to hold a baby koala? asks Veronica.

Nah, says Sweezus. We're not visitors. We're here to pick up a kid we left here.

A statue of a kid, says Arthur.

Yeah, statue of a kid, says Sweezus. We'd better be going.

Wait, says Veronica. This breeding program costs money. Would you like to adopt a koala?

No, but thanks for asking, says Sweezus.

I'll adopt one, says Arthur. Which one can I have?

You don't get to HAVE one, says Veronica. You just give us money.

Okay, says Arthur. I don't have money, but I'll give you a poem.

That won't help the koalas, says Veronica.

Publicity, says Sweezus.

Have to be a bloody good poem, says Veronica.

It would be, says Arthur. 

Sweezus is already at the door. 

From there he sees Terence, who is running towards the koala breeding centre.

Because he's seen Sweezus.

Guess what? cries Terence. The black handed spider monkey can't pop bubble wrap. Guess why?

Vestigial thumbs, says Sweezus. 

Terence is disappointed that Sweezus knows this already.