If The Cap Fits

Ring ring!

Victor's phone rings.

It's Gaius.

Victor! says Gaius. How are you?

Keeping out of trouble, says Victor.

Ha ha, laughs Gaius. So am I. 

What can I do for you? asks Victor. I'm busy.

Of course, says Gaius. Could you do me a favour?

Have you eaten another penguin pie? asks Victor.

You remember! says Gaius. That was years ago. And it was a normal pie, with no penguin in it.

So you claimed, says Victor.

This is not about that, says Gaius. Do you know anyone in Geelong?

We police have contacts everywhere, says Victor.

Could you ask one of them to go down to the Spirit of Tasmania quay, and keep a lookout for Roo-kai, and two small orange-bellied parrots.

'Ello-ello? says Victor. Orange-bellied parrots? Aren't they endangered? This smacks of a smuggling operation.

Certainly not, says Gaius. I'm surprised at you Victor.

Okay, what is it? asks Victor.

A minor intervention, says Gaius. The orange-bellied parrots are reluctant to fly over Bass Strait.

Isn't that what they do? asks Victor.

These two are part of a zoo breeding program, says Gaius. They've been left at Saint Kilda with no clear instructions. 

I see, says Victor. But Roo-kai is reliable. What's with the checking?

Long story, says Gaius. Camus sent them to Melbourne.

Camus! says Victor. Is he with you?

Yes, says Gaius. And funny you mentioned the penguin pie. He's written a story in which he claims I ate one, and he's now joined my team as a helper, hoping I'll sign some sort of waiver.

Ha ha! laughs Victor. Is he much use as a helper?

No, says Gaius. He bought the wrong snacks, and sent Roo-kai to Melbourne. Then he fed a peregrine falcon a chocolate, after which it died. 

This is serious! says Victor. Stay put. I'll come to Saint Kilda. 

No need, says Gaius.

I'll be the judge of that, says Victor. Poisoning a peregrine falcon is a punishable crime.

Indeed, says Gaius. But you won't find the peregrine falcon. It died just outside Horsham, on its way to tell Roo-kai to divert to Geelong.

Ah! says Victor. Now I get it! You want to know if the message was delivered.

We do, says Gaius. I fear for the orange-bellied parrots.

Rightly so, says Victor. Okay I'll get onto it. See you shortly.

But... says Gaius.

Too late. Victor has ended the call.

I heard all that, says Camus. You made me sound like a criminal.

If the cap fits,  says Gaius.