Cursed Knobs And The Lord Of All Things

Arthur finds Terence an unoccupied Ocean Recliner.

See that knob, says Arthur. Press that and the back goes down.

Terence presses the knob. The back goes down.

I hadn't finished, says Arthur.

What else happens? says Terence. He already loves his Ocean Recliner. He lies down, and looks up at the ceiling.

Thank you, Grandpa, says Terence.

I'm not your Grandpa, says Arthur.

No, says Terence. I didn't mean you, I meant Grandpa, Lord Of All Things. I thank him for everything at bed time. Even these shorts.

Who gave you them? says Arthur.

It depends how far back you want to go, says Terence.

The thing is, says Arthur, the backs don't go up again. I was going to say, don't press the knob until bedtime.

Now you tell me, says Terence, struggling to sit up on the Ocean Recliner.

Too late now, says Arthur. Good night.

He leaves.

Excuse me, says a middle aged lady, looming up from behind. I think you'll find that's my Ocean Recliner.

It's broken, says Terence.

If it is, you are responsible, says the middle-aged lady. I shall report this to the captain.

She storms off to the bridge.

.......

It's late. The wind is south westerly. The captain and Louis-Claude de Freycinet gaze out to sea.

What do you think it was, that heaving object in the water? asks the captain.

The billowing skirts of a woman, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet. Drowning.

I hope not, says the captain. What makes you say so?

Experience, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet. It's those voluminous dresses they wear.

Wouldn't they hold them up? asks the captain.

Not after they've taken on water, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet. The weight drags them down.

You are travelling with a lady, observes the captain.

I am, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet. She loves me to distraction.

She dresses like a boy, says the captain. Forgive me for saying so.

I should not wish her to come to any harm, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet, should she tumble into the water.

The captain says nothing, but in his heart he does not believe that de Freycinet can have so much influence.

....

Knock knock.

It is the middle aged lady.

Captain! says the middle-aged lady ( Mrs Monks). I have a complaint to make about my Ocean Recliner.

Madam, I suggest you go and find the bursar, says the captain. It's those cursed knobs.

Mrs Monks is not satisfied with this.

I'm not leaving until you do something to rectify the situation, says Mrs Monks. It's not just the knobs. There's a destructive baby.

Allow me, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet. I shall accompany you to the Ocean Recliner in question, and sort out the knobs and the baby.

He leaves with Mrs Monks.

The captain has once again reason to thank the Lord Of All Things for Louis-Claude de Freycinet's timely intervention.

He gazes out over the darkling water, currently free of all heaving objects.

Something A Seagull Would Know

A problem has arisen in the deluxe suite.

It is to do with the sleeping arrangements.

There is a large double bed and two singles.

No BUNK! says Terence. This is a rubbish deluxe suite.

I'll see the captain, says Gaius.

But he doesn't need to.

Knock knock.

It's the captain.

Settling in? Just come to see if you need anything, says the captain.

He does a quick head count.

.......

That was nice of the captain, says Rosamunda.

She is in a second deluxe suite, with Gaius and Arthur.

She will sleep in the double, and Gaius and Arthur the singles.

.......

In the first deluxe suite, there are still a few unresolved problems.

We'll take the double, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Rose and I will take the double, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet.

Rose? says Surfing-With-Whales.

I mean, Unni, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet. Forgive me, my sweetness.

Whatever, says Surfing-With-Whales. She's not humping a lobster.

Hush, says Unni. This is unnecessary. Louis-Claude, don't forget you're on night watch.

Absoluement, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet. But when I return in the morning, I expect this double bed to be empty except for you Rose. And to this purpose, I leave little Terence.

Terence looks up from the porthole he has been looking through.

No way is he sleeping in here.

.......

Louis-Claude de Freycinet is on the bridge, beside the ship's captain.

Always good to have another pair of eyes, says the captain.

Pas du tout, says Louis Claude de Freycinet. By the way, look out there!

Something is heaving up and down in the water, to starboard.

Thanks, says the Captain, pressing buttons on his console, to change course slightly and miss the thing that is heaving in the water.

Thus an accident at sea is avoided. Eyes on stalks. That's what's needed.

.......

Terence knocks on the door of the second deluxe suite.

Knock knock.

What is it?  Arthur opens the door.

I want a bunk bed, says Terence, and I don't want to sleep with bad people.

Come on, says Arthur. I'll find you an Ocean Recliner. That's nearly as good.

.......

The Spirit of Tasmania glides through the dark waters.

Stars lurk behind clouds.

A south westerly arises. Or perhaps a wind from another direction.

It's something a seagull would know.

Death Sentence On The Night Voyage

Five hours have passed. In the back seat, it's seemed like five days.

Rosamunda pulls into the ferry terminal car park.

Six o'clock, and check-in has started.

Gaius gets out of the car.

Now then, says Gaius. I must find the captain.

He strides off to look for the captain.

I have a bad feeling, says Rosamunda.

Me too, says Terence. What is it?

He hasn't made a booking, says Rosamunda. I should have asked him. I bet we can't go.

We'll go, says Arthur. Just get on, that's what I do.

All right for you, says Rosamunda. You lead a charmed life.

So do I, says Surfing-With-Whales, stretching and yawning. Unni's paying for me. I wonder where she.....

Before he can finish his question, Unni appears with a lobster, in full sailor's rig.

Surfing-With-Whales! cries Unni. It's so....it's.... how are you? she finishes lamely.

Good, says Surfing-with-Whales, looking sideways at Louis-Claude de Freycinet.

This is Louis-Claude de Freycinet, says Unni. He's coming with us. In fact, he leading the party.

Enchanté, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet.

Fuck, says Surfing-With-Whales.

The niceties over, they look around for Gaius, who hasn't come back yet.

And here he comes now.

I can't find the captain, says Gaius. This means we may have to wait till tomorrow.

No, says Unni. Louis-Claude knows the captain. It's all sorted. Is this your car? Oh, it's Katherine's.

We borrowed it, says Arthur. It's our transport.

That will not be a problem, says Louis-Claude de Freycinet. Drive it over there to be loaded.

What a tosser. Surfing-With-Whales can't stand him already.

Unni is looking at Rosamunda. Hmm. She's really pretty.

Rosamunda is looking at Unni. Hmm, she looks like a beautiful boy.

Hi, says Unni. You must be....

Rosamunda Secunda, says Rosamunda.

Unni Moon, says Unni.

Cool, says Rosamunda. You and I have something in common.

What? asks Unni.

Long story, says Rosamunda. Tell you later.

Okay, says Unni, let's check in. We sail at seven thirty.

Woo! says Terence. Sailing at bed time! Where's my BUNK?

They all go on board. A friendly crew member directs them to Louis-Claude de Freycinet's pre-booked de luxe suite.

Surfing-With-Whales catches up with Unni.

How come you need me? says Surfing-With-Whales. You've got fuckin' Vice Admiral Lobster de Fruitcake fixing everything and making like he loves you and ....

That's right, whispers Unni. That's why I need you. As soon as we get to Tasmania, I want him cactus, deleted, dead meat.

Surfing-With-Whales brightens up a great deal upon hearing this sentence.

A Dog Has Died

How much longer? asks Terence.

Just under two hours, says Rosamunda.

I'm going on a ferry! croons Terence.

Horsham, not Melbourne, says Rosamunda. Melbourne's three more hours after that.

Terence rearranges his position.

Stop it, says Surfing-With-Whales.

You can't stop me, says Terence.

That's what you think, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Settle down in the back! Have a look through my notebook, says Gaius, handing it over.

No, don't give him that, says Rosamunda. He'll wreck it. Arthur, give him some cake.

I would, says Arthur, but I've finished it.

He hasn't, says Terence.

Arthur swallows the last piece of cake.

Here, says Rosamunda. There's a poetry app on my smartphone. Can you read, Terence?

No, says Terence. Not yet.

Arthur, says Rosamunda. Read him something

........

Arthur flicks through a list of poems by Pablo Neruda.

Lemon.

Full Woman Fleshly Apple.

A Dog Has Died.

That one! cries Terence.

Arthur reads :

A Dog has Died.

My dog has died
I buried him in the garden
next to an old rusted machine
some day I'll join him right there

and I the materialist who never believed
in any promised heaven in the sky
for any human being
I believe in a heaven I'll never enter....

Stop right there, says Terence.

Why? asks Rosamunda. It's lovely.

Because, answers Terence, BECAUSE. There's a heaven. My Grandpa lives there.

Is that Grandpa Marx? says Arthur.

And there's no dogs anywhere in it, says Terence.

It doesn't matter, says Surfing-With-Whales. It's a poem. You can say what you like in a poem.

Can you? says Terence.

Yes, says Rosamunda.

My bird has died, says Terence.
I will bury it in the garden under a bucket.
And it's not going anywhere.

Good one, Terence, says Surfing-With-Whales.

In poetic mood, they drive past scrubland and farmland, fences and trees, the outskirts of Horsham and right through Horsham without seeing the Post Office Bell.

Which is a pity. It's worth a look.

A red pole, on Firebrace Street, with the old Post Office Bell on the top, and on top of the bell, a carving of a corella. And inset in the pole is a little bell, the Little Sister.

In country towns there are committees, who like to think up these things.

Miss The Lightning Clock, Marry A Chicken

An S, says Terence. She's going to marry an S-shape.

A snake, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Your name starts with S, says Rosamunda.

Wrong, says Surfing-With-Whales. That's not my real name. My name's ...... something else.

Bob, says Arthur.

Robert, says Surfing-With-Whales.

But your surname, says Rosamunda.

Swales! says Gaius. This is amusing.

What about your name? says Surfing-With-Whales. Gaius Plinius Secundus.

I'm an old bachelor, says Gaius. Never married.

I know! says Terence. She's going to marry Sweezus! Woop woop!

That's you, says Rosamunda.  You'll grow up to be Sweezus. Come here, let me give you a kiss.

Yuck! says Terence.

Anyway, says Rosamunda, apple peel always falls in an S-shape.

Let's see, says Arthur.

He picks up the ribbon of peel and throws it over his shoulder.

It breaks in two. Each piece falls in a C-shape.

Cluck cluck! He's going to marry a chicken! says Terence.

Come on, says Rosamunda. We have to get going.

They get up off the grass, into Katherine's car, and get going.

Soon, they are in Bordertown.

Look! says Surfing-With-Whales as they pass the lightning clock. That's the lightning clock.

The lightning clock is worth looking at ( if you're in Bordertown ). It is an obelisk, topped with a lightning flash jutting out obliquely, at the end point of which is suspended a clock. It marks the site of the first source of electricity.

But no one else in the car even sees it.

You missed it, says Surfing-With-Whales.

What? says Arthur, with a mouthful of cake.

He's got cake, says Terence.

The lightning clock, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Never mind, says Rosamunda. We'll push on to Horsham and see their one.

Do they have one? asks Surfing-With-Whales. First I've heard of it.

Cake! says Terence. Where's my cake?

No, says Gaius, but I've heard that they have a most intriguing Post Office Bell.

No one's LISTENING! cries Terence.

He is wrong. They are just trying not to listen.

That's what it's always like, travelling with babies.

The Fall Of The Apple

Did you leave a note for Katherine? asks Rosamunda.

No, says Gaius. I told David instead. He said he'd tell her.

Tell her what exactly? asks Rosamunda.

Thanks for the loan of the car, says Gaius. By the way do we have enough petrol?

I filled it, says Rosamunda. But that's my contribution. Next time it should be one of the others.

Hear that? says Gaius, turning round.

No, we didn't, says Arthur.

No, what? says Surfing-With-Whales.

You have to pay for the petrol, says Terence.

Sure, says Arthur.

Sure, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Is there anything to eat? asks Arthur.

No, says Rosamunda. We'll be stopping at Murray Bridge. There's a supermarket. We can stock up there. Arthur, that can be your contribution.

All right, says Arthur. What does everyone want?

I want lollies, says Terence.

Lightly sparkling spring water, says Rosamunda.

Chips, says Surfing-With-Whales.

An apple, says Gaius. A green one. And .....has anyone brought a peeler?

No one has.

Don't worry, I'll get a peeler, says Arthur.

Gaius leans back in the passenger seat. Life is simple, when you travel with Arthur.

The sun shines on the straw yellow hillsides. The cloudless sky glows like a paint ball. It's hot and sticky in the back seat of Katherine's car.

Get off me, says Terence.

Sorry, says Surfing-With-Whales. How come you take so much room?

I'm a wriggler, says Terence. When will we get there?

Here we are, says Rosamunda, not a moment too soon.

She stops outside the Coles to let Arthur out.

We'll go down to to the river and wait for you there, says Rosamunda.

Okay, says Arthur, disappearing into the Coles.

...

It's nice by the river. Shady gum trees.

So, says Gaius, You're meeting Unni at the ferry terminal.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Did she say she had someone else with her? asks Gaius.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. But she didn't say who though.

It will be Louis-Claude de Whatnot, says Gaius.

Ooh! says Rosamunda. A toff!

A sailor, says Gaius, neglecting to add, also a lobster.

Surfing-With-Whales hopes Louis-Claude de Whatnot breaks his neck on the bus trip from Sydney.

Not that this is likely to happen.

Arthur comes back, with chips, sparkling water and a green apple.

Where's my lollies? asks Terence.

Arthur bends down low to the hard little ear of Terence.

Steal them yourself, whispers Arthur.

I don't do stealing, says Terence. And I'm dobbing.

Won't do you any good, says Arthur.

Peeler? says Gaius.

Arthur hands him a handsome peeler. Not a Coles one. A House one, shaped like a fish. Made in Germany where good design is appreciated.

Delightful, says Gaius. It's fish-shaped. Thank you, Arthur.

He starts to peel his large Granny Smith, with the fish peeler, starting from the top, and turning the apple, so that the peel remains one long green ribbon.

He gives it to Rosamunda.

Throw it over your shoulder, says Gaius. It'll fall in the shape of the initial of the person you will marry.

Rosamunda takes the green ribbon, and throws it over her shoulder.

It falls on the grass in an S-shape.

All Property Is Theft

How will we get there? asks Arthur.

I haven't made plans, says Gaius.

How did you get here? asks Belle et Bonne.

Katherine's car, says Gaius. She went off with Kong Fu-Zi. I suppose she's not back yet.

We could use it, says Arthur.

That would be wrong, says Rosamunda.

So. You don't want to go now? says Arthur.

Dismal Swamp. What do you think? says Rosamunda.

Don't be fooled by the name, says Arthur. There's a giant slide there. We were going before, but it was shut for the winter.

It's the world's only natural blackwood forest sink hole, says Gaius. I intend to write a paper. I have no interest in slides. But you young people....

I like slides, says Terence. I LOVE them.

Then why not go with them, says Sweezus.

Terence looks at Karl Marx.

If Grandpa comes too, says Terence.

He's busy, says Sweezus.

I have work to do here, says Karl Marx. Otherwise I should like to visit your sink hole. I presume it is run on capitalist principles.

You have to pay to go in, says Gaius.

Exactly, says Marx.

So are you coming? says Terence. Please Grandpa.

Terence, says Belle et Bonne. He can't be your Grandpa. Or Sweezie's. Because.....

Sweezus frowns. He's not into family relationships. Where is this going?

Belle stops. Better not to go there.

Surfing-With-Whales' brain works slowly, but it does work, as we shall see now.

Hey, says Surfing-With-Whales, if you're going by car, can I get a lift with you? I have to be in Melbourne tomoz.

Tomoz instead of tomorrow. Casual. As though he doesn't mind one way or the other.

Certainly, says Gaius.

Perhaps you should ask Katherine first, says Belle.

Katherine? says Gaius. Yes yes, I shall leave her a note. But really we must be off and start packing. Come on Arthur. And you Rosamunda, and you, Surfing-With-Whales. What a fine party. I do feel invigorated.

Gaius and his party head off, down to the car park.

Aw, says Terence.

Go on then, says Sweezus. Don't let us hold you back.

Terence takes one last look at Sweezus, his old alter ego, and Marx his Grandpa.

Bossy old self-centred bird and slide hating bum holes.

Not like Gaius and Arthur.

He stomps off down the stairs.