Leave The Prince Out

Lily and Terence creep back into the tent.

Terence is not good at creeping.

He awakens Paloma.

Uh-huuuh! says Paloma. She sniffs.

Bananas! Have you been outside?

We heard a bandicoot! says Lily.

You've got good ears, says Paloma.

It slipped on a banana, says Terence. It was lying down. Its toes were stuck together.

But that was just normal, says Lily.

For the toes, says Paloma. But look at your pyjamas!

I don't like them anyway, says Lily.

I'll have them! says Terence.

Maybe in the morning, says Paloma.

You can have my gecko shorts, says Terence.

No thanks, says Lily.

Why didn't you wake me? asks Alexander-Red-Hook.

I thought you were coming, says Terence. Anyway the bandicoot is a niverous creature so you escaped being eaten.

OM-niverous, says Lily.

That's what I said, says Terence.

OM! says Lily.

That's what rocks say, says Terence. OMMM. It means listen.

That's a nice thing to know, says Paloma.

It might not mean that, says Terence.

What else might it mean? asks Lily.

Shut up, says Terence.

Rocks wouldn't say shut up, says Lily.

We don't really know that, says Paloma. But it's still night time. Go back to sleep now.

I need a wee first, says Alexander-Red-Hook.

So do I, says Paloma.

They both go outside.

That story you told, about the mermaid, says Alexander-Red-Hook.

You weren't there, says Paloma.

Terence told me , says Alexander-Red-Hook. I know that story. You left out the prince.

I usually leave the prince out, says Paloma,

Alexander-Red-Hook understands this. If she had crab daughters, she'd do the same.

The Solitary Creature

Get back! says the bandicoot! I'm a solitary creature.

We know, says Lily.

I didn't, says Terence. What's a solitary creature?

One that prefers to forage alone, says the bandicoot.

But it looks like you fell over, says Lily.

Slipped, says the bandicoot. On this banana.

Ha ha! laughs Terence. Like a CLOWN!

Would you like a hand? asks Lily. Just to help you stand upright?

Okay, says the bandicoot.

Lily advances.

Nice pyjamas, says the bandicoot.

Bit babyish, says Lily.

Unicorns, says the bandicoot. Do you know why they're so popular?

No, says Lily. Do you?

I've got a theory, says the bandicoot. It's to do with the horn.

Show me your foot, says Lily. Yuck! it's all stuck up with banana. Let me wipe it.

No, says the bandicoot.

What about the horn? asks Terence.

Girls like them, says the bandicoot.

No they don't, says Lily.

They don't know they like them, says the bandicoot. It's Freudian.

Luckily Alexander-Red-Hook has remained in the tent.

She might have demolished this theory.

Two of your toes are fused together, says Lily.

That's just normal, says the bandicoot.  Five toes on each foot, and the second and third toes on the hind feet fused together.

What's that for? asks Lily.

I don't know, says the bandicoot.

Lily has wiped some banana on the sleeve of her pyjamas.

Do you like bananas? asks Lily.

I'm omniverous, says the bandicoot.

What's NIVEROUS? asks Terence.

He eats anything, says Lily. Insects, spiders, worms, plants, whatever.

There's a bird in our tent, says Terence. A parrot.

Don't listen to him. There isn't, says Lily.

I can hear something moving, says the bandicoot.

It's my mum, says Lily.

Well, I'm off, says the bandicoot.

Have a good night, says Lily.

Enjoy your unicorn pyjamas, says the bandicoot.

They're really just horses, says Lily. That's what girls like.

A Slide And A Gurgle

In the tent.

Paloma and Lily are asleep.

Terence is awake, as always.

Alexander-Red-Hook squeezes in sideways.

Too much snoring in the camper, she whispers. It's quieter in here.

We had a story, says Terence.

I love stories, says Alexander-Red-Hook.

You wouldn't love this one, says Terence.

What was it? asks Alexander-Red-Hook.

The Stupid Mermaid, says Terence.

I know all about mermaids, says Alexander-Red-Hook. I use to live in the sea.

Are they stupid? asks Terence.

They're actually seals, says Alexander-Red-Hook.

Well, this one wasn't, says Terence.

There is a sliding noise ( slii---iide) , outside the tent, and a gurgle (gulp---eee).

What was that? asks Terence.

Nothing, says Alexander-Red-Hook. Tell me the story.

Okay, says Terence. You'll be disgusted.

Try me, says she.

Once upon a time, begins Terence, there was stupid mermaid who wanted to be a human and she drank a potion and got feet.

Foof, comes a noise from outside. Bugger!

Go on, says Alexander-Red-Hook. So she got feet, then what? 

Every step felt like sharp knives, says Terence.

But it was too late, says Alexander-Red-Hook. She'd drunk the potion.

Yes, says Terence. It was too late.

Yerk-yerk! a distressed sound arises, awakening Lily.

Bandicoot outside! whispers Lily. It's probably eating the banana. Let's go and see.

Wait, says Terence. I'm telling the mermaid story.

Where are you up to? asks Lily.

Feet, says Terence. 

Stabbing like knives, says Alexander-Red-Hook. Is there a happy ending?

She turns into an air spirit for three hundred years, says Lily. She has to do good deeds. You tell me if that's happy.

Is there a reward? asks Alexander-Red-Hook.

She gets a human soul, says Lily.

See! says Terence. Stupid!

At least she wouldn't have feet, says Alexander-Red-Hook. 

But Terence and Lily are creeping outside.

It's dark, damp, and smells of bananas.

A bandicoot lies on it's back, with one leg up.

Uff! Bananas!

Paloma cuts up the bananas.

Terence and Lily take them outside.

I wish we were staying overnight, says Lily. We could spy on the bandicoots.

I'm staying overnight, says Terence.

I'm not, says Lily. At least I don't think so.

Ask, says Terence.

They go back inside.

Is it still raining? asks Paloma.

Not much, says Lily.

That's good, says Paloma, perhaps it'll stop altogether.

Can we stay overnight? asks Lily.

No, says Paloma. We have to go home.

We're staying, says Vello. I have brought a small tent to sleep in.

Is it big enough for your friends? asks Paloma.

Unfortunately not, says Vello. Possibly, one of them.

There is always the bird hide, says Gaius.

I wish we were staying, says Lily. We might see the bandicoots.

That would be lovely, says Paloma. But I didn't bring toothbrushes or pyjamas. And what would we have for dinner? And what would your dad say?

It seems she has thought about it already.

Please, please! says Lily.

All right, I'll phone dad, says Paloma. He can bring takeaway, and our pyjamas.

Lucky, says Terence.

Why am I lucky? asks Lily.

Pyjamas, says Terence.

Kierkegaard is thinking the same.

.....

An hour later, night has fallen.

Jim has arrived with toothbrushes, pyjamas and four pizzas.

This enough food? asks Jim.

Too much dad, says Lily. Which pyjamas did you bring?

Unicorn pyjamas, says Jim.

Dad! says Lily.

Kierkegaard produces the sandwiches from the café.

A fine addition to the feast, says Gaius.

He pokes at the sandwiches. Ugh! Tomato! No! Excellent! This one is plain cheese.

You don't like tomato? asks Paloma.

He believes they are poisonous, says Vello.

I do, says Gaius. But don't let me stop you eating tomato.

I'm surprised you eat pizza, says Jim.

It's only the seeds, says Gaius.

.....

Can me and Terence sleep in the tent? asks Lily.

We don't have a tent, says Paloma.

But HE does, says Lily.

HE's sleeping in it, says Paloma.

We'd fit, says Terence.

Vello looks alarmed.

What if Jim sleeps in the tent with you? says Paloma.

I don't think... says Vello.

No, says Jim. Nor do I.

.....

Later.

Rain patters on the roof of the camper.

It is peaceful inside.

Except for the sounds of men snoring.

Hurrr-sneee! Uch! Uhhhhuh! and so on.

Jim, Vello, Gaius, and Kierkegaard are asleep in three bunks and under a table.

(Gaius is under the table. Something Romans don't mind).


.....

In the tent, Paloma tells stories to Terence and Lily.

Once upon a time....


.....

A short distance away, a solitary bandicoot sniffs the night air.

Uff! Bananas!

The Wrong Gardener

Was it Candide? asks Paloma. In the Botanical Gardens? Last Fringe?

The Fringe before last, says Vello. Our outdoor production.

You played Doctor Pangloss, says Paloma.

I played Martin, says Vello. But Pangloss and I were dressed much the same.

Like gardeners, says Paloma. Yes! Costa was in it!

That was not the real Costa, says Vello. It was one of our actors.

He was good, says Paloma. Very funny. There was a scene in a sink hole.

Of necessity, says Vello. The garden collapsed.

By now they have arrived at the camper.

In you go, says Paloma.

Gaius is inside, with Terence, Lily, and Alexander-Red-Hook.

Lily is drawing emu-wrens, in a note book.

Gaius is warming his hands on a mug of hot coffee.

I hope you didn't go to the trouble of bringing me a coffee, says Gaius.

We did, says Vello. Here it is. From the Mount Compass café. Somewhat tepid.

I can warm it up, says Paloma. If anyone would like it.

No one would like it.

It sits on the table, going cold.

We were remembering our last production of Candide, says Vello. Paloma was at it.

Do you remember me? asks Gaius. I played the Old Lady.

You don't say? says Paloma. I was convinced you were a genuine old lady.

I wore a cushion on one buttock, says Gaius.

I was the Stink Bug! says Terence,

You were an excellent Stink Bug, says Paloma.

Were you really a Stink Bug? asks Lily. What was your costume?

Orange eyebrows, says Terence. And a Stink Button.

Well, says Kierkegaard. You all surprise me, having these hidden strings to your bows.

You don't act yourself? asks Paloma.

No, says Kierkegaard. The Tour Down Under, the crab experiments and bird watching are my first efforts at steering away from philosophy.

That's remarkable, says Paloma. And..... is that a banana, in your pocket?

Vello suppresses a laugh, at the comic potential.

Kierkegaard pulls out three bananas.

What a shame, says Paloma, they are past their best aren't they? We should put them outside for the bandicoots.

Wonderful idea, says Gaius. I take it you mean the southern brown bandicoot. Aren't they rare here?

Yes, says Paloma. They are rare here, but a few have been spotted.

Kierkegaard hands her the bananas, with a degree of regret.

He would have eaten one, he likes them soft and mushy, but now the bandicoots will have them.

Flatterers

The journey takes more than twenty minutes.

Vello doesn't want coffee to spill in his hat.

The coffee is in a takeaway cup with a lid, inside the upturned hat with the side flaps tucked round it.

He rides his bike slowly.

Kierkegaard rides beside him, with the sandwiches in his left shorts pocket, and three soft bananas in the right.

You go ahead if you want to, says Vello.

But I came back to show you the way, says Kierkegaard.

I'm sure I could find it, says Vello. You could leave markers.

That would involve stopping, says Kierkegaard.

But I'd enjoy finding the markers, says Vello

I take it you crave adventure? asks Kierkegaard.

Life is dull at the moment, says Vello. That's why I came.

We are not doing anything exciting, says Kierkegaard. We sit in a bird hide all day.

But you are looking for something, says Vello.

A southern emu-wren, says Kierkegaard. Terence has spotted one or two.

So he claims, observes Vello

So he claims, agrees Kierkegaard. But Lily, the girl he was with, spotted them too. It seems the emu-wrens thought Terence's parrot was a spider, and came close, but took fright soon after.

Vello remembers that Terence's parrot is a crab in reality, which makes sense of the spider.

He feels a few drops of rain on his nose.

Will we have a camp fire? asks Vello.

I don't think that's allowed, says Kierkegaard.

The bird hide is empty, when they arrive.

Kierkegaard leads Vello through the gap in the bulrushes.

Paloma has finished her day's planting.

Gaius is in the camper with Terence and Lily, says Paloma. You're welcome to join them.

Very kind, says Kierkegaard. This is Vello by the way. A colleague and fellow cyclist. Vello, this is Paloma. She's been planting seedlings

Well met, dear lady, says Vello. I admire your ecological determination.

Ha ha, laughs Paloma. You look familiar. Are you an actor?

Vello is flattered. No doubt she has seen his Candide.

The Blackberry Incident

Kierkegaard arrives at the Mount Compass café.

Vello is sitting outside.

There you are, says Vello.

Here I am, says Kierkegaard,

Existential greetings out of the way, they enter the café.

Back again? asks the owner.

For sandwiches, says Vello. Do you do them?

The owner points to a list of sandwich fillings on a chalk board.

Cheese, says Vello. What kind of cheese is it?

Local cheese, says the owner.

Cheese then, says Vello. Can you make them up fast?

How many? asks the owner.

Three, one with tomato, says Kierkegaard.

Make that two with tomato, says Vello.

And one without, says Kierkegaard.

What kind of bread? asks the owner.

A few dots will suffice for this part of the order. These days there are many types of bread. Then there is butter. Do they want it? Salt and pepper?

( pepper, no salt, some detail is permitted)..............

At last they are on their way. Did I mention that there were no apples?

And that Kierkegaard has made a snap decision, to buy bananas? The bananas show spots of brown. Vello has managed to bargain them down to forty cents per banana. He is good at such things. Kierkegaard would have paid the full dollar.

Kierkegaard has also gulped down a coffee while waiting for the sandwiches.

He has been plagued by a question. Should he take a coffee back to Gaius?

Vello has said not to bother, it would go cold on the journey.

Kierkegaard has dithered. Then he has spotted Vello's hat.

And suggested to Vello that such a hat would keep a coffee (with a lid on) warm for at least twenty minutes.

His hat! Vello has never before kept coffee warm in his hat.

There was that time when he was not allowed on the bus with a punnet of blackberries, and had hidden them under his hat and the driver had said that his hat was too tall to wear on the bus and so Vello had punched the hat down in a fit of anger and blackberry juice had dribbled down his face and the driver had called an ambulance, which he had to talk his way out of .....

But the situation is not really similar.

And Gaius is his friend.

He agrees to the use of his hat.