The Green Elbow

Sunday.

Vello is in the office, looking for a knee brace.

Lauren comes in.

I hoped I'd find you here, says Lauren. It's done. Hidden.

My knee brace? says Vello.

What knee brace? says Lauren. I've hidden the bicycle in Gaius's video. It's all good to go.

Thank you Lauren, says Vello. Have you shown it to Gaius?

Not yet, says Lauren. I'm showing you first.

Of course, says Vello. I'll look at it as soon as I find this damn knee brace.

Bad knee? asks Lauren. You know I'm a stage two Reiki practitioner?

I'll be fine, says Vello. I don't hold with Reiki. 

Nietszche found it quite effective, says Lauren.

That's not what I heard, says Vello.

Is this it? asks Lauren, opening a drawer. This dirty old knee brace?

Yes! says Vello.

It's lost its elasticity, says Lauren. You should buy a new one.

Curses, says Vello. I need it for training this evening.

Let me help, says Lauren, pushing papers to one end of the desk. Lie down and relax with your knee up.

NO! says Vello. Just show me the video.

Okay, your loss, says Lauren. She shows him the video.

Where's the bicycle. asks Vello. I can't see it.

You're not supposed to, says Lauren

I am supposed to, says Vello. 

Blame your knee, says Lauren. The pain prevents you from focusing on finding the bicycle.

Just show me where it is, snaps Vello. And what's Ageless doing in the water? 

Impersonating Du Fresne, says Lauren. He was sitting in a bean bag, which was the closest thing to a canoe that they had in the library, and I photoshopped him in. Look hard.

Vello looks hard.

Lauren eyeballs his knee with an otherworldly expression.

His knee tingles.

Vello refuses to acknowledge the tingling.

But now! He sees part of a green wheel, jutting out from the left side of Ageless, like a green elbow.

I see it! says Vello. Excellent work, Lauren. 

Any time, says Lauren. Is there anything else? 

No, that will be all, says Vello.

What about the prize? asks Lauren. Baby Pierre's bath water. I could arrange it.

Vello had forgotten about the bath water, since his knee began hurting.

Do it! says Vello.

Crackpot Or Genius

Saturday evening. Wakefield Street is buzzing.

The Classic Criterium is about to go off.

Bang! 

The crowds cheer.

Until there are no riders to look at.

Now what? ask some of the children.

They'll be back, say some of their parents. They go round and round.

Then what? ask the childen.

Then it's finished, say their parents. 

This is not as exciting as the children had expected.

But it is fun for the teams.

There goes Jhonatan Narváez from Team Ineos, looking happy. 

How is it you are looking so happy? asks Elia Viviani. This race is not counted.

That is why, says Jhonatan Narváez.

Me, I am focused on the race proper, says Elia Viviani.

A tiny bicycle shoots under his wheels.

Accidenti! shouts Elia Viviani. Who is going under my wheels?

It was Baby Pierre, says Luke Burns, who witnessed the incident.

Let him not come under me again, says Elia Viviani.

No worries. Baby Pierre has shot forward and is now under the wheels of Sweezus.

Sweezus wobbles.

Little bugger! says Sweezus.

Who? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Baby Pierre, says Sweezus. He's frickin' everywhere. 

Yeah, that'll be for the competition, says Surfing-with-Whales. Publicity. Did you hear what the prize is?

Bath water! snorts Sweezus. Who the hell came up with that?

Your boss, that's what mum told me, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Sounds like the boss, says Sweezus. He can be a real crackpot.

Or a genius, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

They stop talking and speed up at this point, because they are falling behind.

Up at the front, in the breakaway, the subject is the same.

Bath water! says Natnael Tesfazion. They wouldn't want mine.

Or mine! laughs Isaac del Toro.

Are you speaking of the prize bath water of Baby Pierre? asks Jhonatan Narváez.  

Yes, says Natnael Tesfazion.The prize bath water. 

I would like to win it, says Jhonatan Narváez.

Baby Pierre zooms past them, turns and threads his way back though their wheels.

A daredevil performance.

Jhonatan Narváez is inspired.

And today, he will be the winner. 

So what if the results are not counted?

Not A Pee Just A Bath

What are you scheming, Vello? asks David.

There will be a prize, says Vello. If Baby Pierre is willing.

To be bottled, says Gaius. Ha ha!

No way! says Baby Pierre. I can't be bottled!

Not you, says Vello. Your bath water. I assume you take baths.

I never take baths, says Baby Pierre.

Perhaps you ought to, says Vello. These days it's hard to make out your tulip.

It's NOT A TULIP! cries Baby Pierre. It's the Mark of the Claw!

We know, says Gaius. Vello is teasing.

I'm going! says Baby Pierre.

He speeds away on his tiny bicycle.  

So much for that idea, says David. It was daft anyway.

Not so daft, says Vello. Especially if Baby Pierre does well in the Tour Down Under.

He always does well, says Gaius. But no one notices.

This time we'll make sure they notice, says Vello. 

Simon Clarke rolls by, on his new Factor Ostro VAM.

Nice bike, says Vello.

Thanks, says Simon Clarke. It's a new one.

Heard about our hidden bicycle comp? asks Vello.

Nup, says Simon Clarke. Been too busy.

There's a special prize, says Vello. A bottle of water that Baby Pierre bathed in.

What do you do with it, drink it? asks Clarkey.

Whatever you like, says Vello.

Wash in it, says David. 

Or pour it away, says Gaius. And use the bottle for an alternative purpose.

Baby Pierre is kind of a legend, says Clarkey. 

Indeed, says Vello. And his talent is bound to rub off.

Cool concept, says Clarkey, riding off on his VAM.

Soon the Tour Village is buzzing with rumours.

You know that magazine velosophy? yeah for the olds, yeah but they've got this comp and the prize is kind of awesome a bottle of water that baby pierre took a bath in fuck that's like... yuck, why ... not a pee just a bath idiot ha ha, it's like you know, homeopathy. a little bit of baby in every drop like one molecule, that's enough, what's it called? velosophy, yeah you should take a squizz...

Vello's plan seems to be working.

Bottle You

Gaius meets Vello and David in Unley.

Do we want to do this? asks Vello. It's hot.

We can always postpone it, says David. 

Until the evening, says Vello. 

See you later, losers! says Baby Pierre. Mount Lofty here I come!

He zooms towards the hills, whooping.

How about a frappé? asks Vello. 

Excellent idea, says Gaius. 

They wheel their bikes to a café, and sit outside.

Along come Michael Storer and Damien Howson.

Hey guys! says Michael Storer. Done Mount Lofty?

Not yet, says Vello. We're enjoying a frappé.

Cool, says Damien Howson. Let's get one!

Yeah, let's, says Michael Storer.

They sit down.

How about this competition? asks Michael.

What about it? asks Vello.

The hidden bicycle, says Damien. In your online 'zine.

O that, says Vello. Yes we are holding a competition. The bicycle will be hidden in a video about orange bellied parrots.

No kidding? says Damien. Like, what's the connection?

There is no connection, says Gaius. And there is no prize for finding it.

It's merely a hook, says Vello.

Also, says David, a bike is required, for publication in Velosophy.

Geez, says Michael Storer. No prize. That's a pity.

Kudos, says Vello. You could say that's a prize.

Five frappés arrive, with striped paper straws.

Everyone starts sucking. Swuuuurp...swubble...sww...

These paper straws. They tend to close up on you.

Michael and Damien leave. They have a team meeting.

Nice lads, says David. They seemed all right with mere kudos.

Hmm, says Vello. Not as all right as they could be. Perhaps we should have a prize. 

Too late now, says David. It'll be all over the Team Village that there isn't one.

As it should be, says Gaius. I object to a prize.

As do I, in principle, says Vello. But we could use more subscribers.

Zooom! Baby Pierre zooms past on his tiny bicycle.

Surely he hasn't already completed Mount Lofty?

Weee! says Baby Pierre. I've just gone up and down Mount Lofty without stopping! That was fun.

If only we could bottle you, says Vello.

His eyes gleam a little.

An idea is forming.  

Old Duffers

Gaius comes inside.

Right, says Gaius. A light lunch, and then afternoon training.

He has said this to himself, But Baby Pierre overhears him.

Can I come? asks Baby Pierre.

I don't see why not, says Gaius, opening the fridge to look for some cheese.

Curses. No cheese.

But there is a brown speckled banana. 

Brown skin means nothing. The banana tastes fine. 

On the window sill, Baby Pierre wheels his bike out from behind the aloe vera.

Ageless looks up.

He has been listening to Kobo telling him about the book she is reading.

It's about the 2011 Japanese earthquake and tsunami.

See you later! says Baby Pierre. I've got training, with Gaius.

Lucky you, says Ageless. 

The writer goes on a picnic, says Kobo. With a bear. The bear invites her. 

Baby Pierre is leaving, says Ageless.

Yes, goodbye Baby Pierre, take care on the roads. Now where was I? says Kobo. O yes, there are two picnics with the bear. The first is after the nuclear meltdown The second is before.

Are you trying to confuse me, my mischievous creampuff? says Ageless.

Not at all, says Kobo. And don't call me that. It's a literary device. The writer switches time frames to make a powerful point.

And what is that? asks Ageless. No wait, don't tell. me, I must speak with Baby Pierre.

Hurry up, I'm going, says Baby Pierre. 

Ask Gaius about the prize for the competition, says Ageless. Tell him you think there should be one.

I don't care if there isn't one, says Baby Pierre.

You should, says Ageless. Don't you want to be famous?

By winning races, says Baby Pierre. Not by finding a photo of part of a wheel of my own bicycle in a magazine that's only read by old duffers.

He's got a point, Ageless, says Kobo. Let him go. Now, you were asking me about literary devices.

No I wasn't, says Ageless. I was asking you what the powerful point was.

A comparison, says Kobo. A picnic post-nuclear meltdown compared with a picnic in pre-meltdown days.

I imagine the first one was better, says Ageless. Why don't we have a similar picnic, beloved?

I should like that, says Kobo. You can be the bear. You will catch a fish in the river, and eat it with bread and paté and radishes. I'll be the writer. I shall eat rice balls and pickles.

They imagine the scene. Fish. Grass, River. Pre-nuclear meltdown.

It's just like old times.

No Sticky Smooch

Ageless doesn't bother to get dry.

Why should he? He's a lobster. 

He climbs up to the window sill above the sink, where Kobo sits reading.

His beloved, clik-clik, his delectable fossilised clam. 

What do you want? asks Kobo.

I hear you've been pining, says Ageless.

Who said so? asks Kobo.

Never mind, says Ageless. I'm here now.

I have not been pining, says Kobo. If Gaius thinks I've been pining, he's wrong.

You must have shown some emotion, says Ageless. 

Not on the surface, says Kobo, but it's true I've been reading something that made me feel sad.

You must tell me, says Ageless.

It's about... begins Kobo.

But not right now, says Ageless. I'm feeling dejected myself. For many reasons. Number one, the usual....

Cancer the Crab, says Kobo. 

Yes, says Ageless. You always understand me. 

It's not hard, says Kobo.

Number two, continues Ageless, there is the video, in which I represented Du Fresne.

Did something go wrong? asks Kobo. 

Ageless tells Kobo the whole story, as he understands it.

So, says Kobo. The quoll gets a reward, while you get nothing. Poor Ageless.

A hug would be nice, says Ageless. Or a sticky smooch even better. Or what if I...

Ewww! GROSS! says Baby Pierre.

What are you doing here? asks Ageless 

I live here, says Baby Pierre. This is where I keep my bicycle.

Over there, says Kobo. Behind the aloe vera.

Yes, there is the tiny front wheel, sticking out.

Lauren took a photo, says Baby Pierre. For the competition.

I know, says Ageless. I know all about everything.

You don't know what Kobo's been reading, says Baby Pierre.

He's right, says Kobo. You don't. It was about the....

Never mind that, says Ageless. I think there should be a prize for that competition.

Kobo rolls her eyes, which are not outwardly visible.

Argumentative Puffball

Belle and Lauren have left the library.

Ageless sits for a while, staring at Cancer the Crab. The Usurper. 

Then he closes the book on constellations, and heads down the stairs. 

He will visit Kobo, his beloved. She'll console him.

He catches a bus to Gaius's house, and scrapes at the front door.

No answer. He goes round the side.

Climbs up the brick wall, and looks in through a window.

Ahhh! There she is on the shelf. 

The window is open.

Clik-clik, clicks Ageless. It's me.

Kobo looks up from her reading.

It is you,  says Kobo. She returns to her reading.

Why so cold, my beloved? asks Ageless.

I've got used to life without you, says Kobo. 

But I never will, says Ageless.

You don't know what you're saying, says Kobo.

What am I saying? asks Ageless. 

At least she is speaking.

You'll never get used to life without you, says Kobo. It doesn't mean anything.

I didn't mean me, says Ageless, but if I did, I would have meant it.

You haven't changed, says Kobo.  

Nor have you, says Ageless. My argumentative puffball.

Enough of the puffball, says Kobo. Why don't you come in?

Can't, says Ageless. Door's shut.

Gaius is out the back, says Kobo.

So Ageless goes round the back, where Gaius is watering his pumpkins.

Ageless! says Gaius. What brings you here?

The quoll and the bicycle, says Ageless.

Don't tell me Lauren is photoshopping you into my video! says Gaius. It was a satirical suggestion on my part.

She is, says Ageless. I stood in for Du Fresne in good faith, little realising.

Little realising? says Gaius, directing the hose at his grapes. 

It's a reward for a quoll, says Ageless. 

Still, says Gaius. At least now Du Fresne is acknowledged. 

I should have made more of my part, says Ageless.

The video is unimportant, says Gaius. It's my article that readers will find interesting. All this fuss about hiding a bicycle. 

Is there a prize? asks Ageless. For finding the bicycle?

Jumping Jupiter! I hope not! says Gaius, spraying Ageless accidentally. 

Ptushhh! splutters Ageless. I'm going inside.

Yes indeed, go in and get dry, says Gaius. I'll be in shortly. Talk to Kobo, she's not been herself lately. Pining for you I shouldn't wonder.

Pining for him!

Ageless hurries inside.