Stage 9: Troyes to Troyes - Gravel

A stage with fourteen sections of gravel.

A challenging day.

Belle has left Terence and Sweetpea in the Cathedral of Saint Peter and Saint Paul.

A fancy Cathedral.

You can visit your cousin, while I do some last minute shopping, says Belle.

Yay! says Terence. He runs down the central aisle followed by Sweetpea.

Grumpy! says Terence. Guess what? We're here!

Grumpy looks grumpy.

Say hello to your cousins, says the Madonna, who is tall and pretty.

Hello, says Grumpy.

He's had a tummy upset, says the Madonna. 

So I have to wear THIS! says Grumpy.

It's a short Roman tunic.

Ha ha! laughs Terence.

Guess what? says Sweetpea. Terence has a frog team.

In the Tour? asks the Madonna. How lovely!

One died, says Terence.

How sad, says the Madonna. 

It doesn't matter, says Sweetpea. Terence had a spare.

She's a girl frog, says Terence. She's probably scared because today it's on the gravel.

Nonsense! Girls are brave, says the Madonna. 

Can Grumpy come with us to watch the finish? asks Terence,

Certainly, says the Madonna.

Grumpy gets down from his podium. 

That tunic's too short, says Sweetpea. I saw your bottom.

Who cares? says Grumpy.

The three infants go outside and follow the cheers.

Here come the first bunch of riders covered in white gravel road dust,

Woo! Anthony Turgis, a French guy, comes first, just pipping Tom Pidcock, and Derek Gee.

Where is Terence's frog team?

Not here yet.

Other riders roll past, also covered in white gravel road dust.

Terence spots Nicolo.

Hey! calls Terence. Have you seen my frog team?

Nicolo, who has seen the frog team, pretends not to hear.

Stage 8: Semur to Colombay - Pungent

Another flat stage. 

Another chance for the sprinters.

This time I will not come second, thinks Jasper Philipsen.

Yes, you will, thinks Binian Girmay.

Jonas Abrahamson is also thinking: today I will go far out in front and get maximum points. If my legs are good enough I might even win it.

Meanwhile it is raining.

Vello is struggling to put on his rain jacket.

Here, let me hold onto your sleeve, says David.

Careful! says Gaius.

Vello manages to do it himself.

A woman in the crowd calls out Bravo, Vello !

Vello wobbles, attempting a bow.

Who was that lady? asks Gaius.

Emilie du Chatelet, says Vello, an old acquaintance.

From the old days? asks Gaius.

Yes, the old days, says Vello. At that time, she was nearly as famous as me.

For what? asks Gaius.

Oh, science, mathematics and physics, says Vello. The usual things.

A crosswind blows crossways.

The feeding station appears in the distance.

Not snails again, I hope, says Gaius. They gave me indigestion.

Me too, says David. 

They grab their musettes from Belle, and look inside.

A pungent cheesy smell wafts out.

Epoisses! says Vello. My favourite cheese!

Sweezus and Arthur, up near the front of the peloton, have already got their epoisses.

Cheese! says Sweezus. Guess it's better than snails. What kind is it?

Epoisses, says Arthur. They wash the rind to encourage bacteria.

I did NOT need to know that, says Sweezus.

They speed off, with their pungent epoisses.

It's a fast day, thanks to Abrahamson being way out in front for so long.

He slacks off 14k from the finish.

A tough uphill finish.

It's a close one. 

Jasper Philipsen almost beats Binian Girmay.

But... he doesn't.

Stage 7: Nuits-Saint-Georges to Gevray - Indisposition.

Individual time trials.

Lowest ranked riders in the general classification go first.

Lowest is Cavendish.

But what does he care?

Team Philosophe are not far from the lowest.

Me first, says Vello. Then you, David.

I'll catch up, says David.

You won't, says Vello moving off.

Good motivation, says Gaius. 

One minute later, David moves off.

A few more riders post good times.

Sweezus is edgy.

You shouldnt've eaten thoses snails yesterday, says Nicolo.

I didn't, says Sweezus. I threw them away. Belle reckons the frogs ate them.

Is that why they're not competing today? asks Nicolo.

How should I know? says Sweezus. You're up next, mate.

Nicolo shoots down the ramp.

At the half way mark, the frog team is waiting, concealed in the crowd.

They do not look well.

It doesn't matter, says the Kroombit tinker. They wouldn't time us anyway.

Yuuh! says Spider-bonk, emitting a blast of yesterday's garlic.

Yurk! agrees Worm-bonk. I vow never again to eat snails.

Frogs can eat snails, says the Kroombit tinker. Just not with garlic and butter.

You should have warned us, says Spider-bonk.

I'm a team member, not your house mother, says the Kroombit tinker. 

Worse luck, says Worm-bonk. Brrpp!

Lenny Martinez flies past.

What was that sound? A puncture?

Hopefully nothing.

He thought he'd had a puncture, says Worm-bonk. And it was just me burping garlic.

What a hoot! laughs Spider-bonk. Let's move closer to the finish and scare everyone.

Yes let's, says Worm-bonk.

You guys! says the Kroombit tinker. I don't think we....

But she feels obliged to go with them

The afternoon wears on.

Sweezus has performed averagely. So has Nicolo.

Arthur has done slightly better

David has caught up with Vello.

Brrop! 

Was that a puncture?

They slow down and lose a few seconds, until they determine it wasn't.

Remco Evenepoel thunders towards the finish.

Guurk!

What? Did that sound like a puncture?

He is distracted for a split second.

Which hardly affects his winning time of 28 minutes and 52 seconds.

Twelve seconds better than Tadej Pogacar

Stage 6: Mâcon to Dijon - Snails

Another flat stage.

The riders stream out of Mâcon.

Baby Pierre has shot out in front.

Of course no one has noticed. 

He decides to turn back and check on his frog team.

Alors! Who is that riding one of his tiny bicycles?

He skids to a halt in front of the Kroombit tinker.

There you are! says the Kroombit tinker. You need to catch up.

I don't need to catch up, says Baby Pierre, and why are you here?

Insect-bonk is no more, says the Kroombit tinker. I am taking his place.

Merde! cries Baby Pierre. You are a girl frog!

This bike is a good fit for me, says the Kroombit tinker.  And now that you're listening....

What now? asks Baby Pierre, seeing the peloton roll past him.

You need to ensure we are fed, says the Kroombit tinker.

No I don't, says Baby Pierre. I'm a free spirit.

A captain can't be a free spirit, says the Kroombit tinker.

Watch me! says Baby Pierre, zipping away, but feeling guilty. 

Sweezus and Arthur are discussing their chances.

Fuck all, says Sweezus. No mountains today.

It might rain, says Arthur.

So what? snaps Sweezus.

Not to mention the crosswinds, says Arthur.

And? says Sweezus.

So it won't be totally boring, says Arthur. And Belle mentioned snails.

Not to EAT? says Sweezus.

Did someone mention snails? asks Vello riding up behind them.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Not in a good way.

Belle has promised us snails today, says Vello.

Must be some kind of metaphor, says Sweezus.

You're in a bad mood, says Vello. 

They arrive at the feeding station, and grab their musettes from Belle.

Sweezus looks into his. Fuck-a-nooey! A bunch of cooked snails.

He tips them out on the road even though it's illegal.

Baby Pierre has again wound his way back through the peloton and sees them.

Snails! Is that something frogs eat?

It is starting to rain.

Belle has sent Terence to pick up the snails that Sweezus discarded.

Wait for a safe break! calls Belle.

Terence waits.

Along come the pobblebonks and the Kroombit tinker, in tight formation. They see the snails and stop for a much-needed snack.

Other riders skilfully avoid them.

Terence goes back to Belle empty-handed.

Never mind, says Belle. At least the snails are all gone.

Up ahead the peloton splits and quickly reforms, before heading into Dijon, home of mustard, where a bunch sprint thunders towards the finish.

Groenewegen, Philipsen, Girmay... who will it be?

Groenewegen.

That was exciting.

Stage 5: Saint Jean to Saint Vulbas - Super-Happy

 A flat stage, finishing in Saint Vulbas.

And what is there in Saint Vulbas?

The tomb of Saint Vulbas.

And not only that. 

The three fingers of Saint John the Baptist!

But let's not lose focus.

Bang! The teams roll out of Saint Jean-de-Maurienne.

If they don't appear to be trying, they do have their plans.

I will not win today, says Tadej. But I will not lose my yellow.

Good plan, say his team mates. Perhaps Cavendish will win it.

Ha ha! laughs Tadej. Cavendish would then be super-happy!

Sweezus is talking to Nicolo. 

Dead frog. Why? asks Sweezus.

It all went wrong, says Nicolo. I was merely trying to catch him.

Yeah, well, says Sweezus. Now Terence has only got two frogs in his frog team.

Actually no, says Arthur. The Kroombit tinker is taking the place of the dead one.

Shit, says Sweezus, isn't she a female?

I don't think it matters, says Arthur. They're not a registered team.

Sheez! says Sweezus. Okay, at least Terence'll be happy.

He is pragmatic, says Nicolo. Like me.

I'm pragmatic, says Sweezus. But I watch where I'm going.

It will turn out well in the end, says Nicolo.

Never has before, says Sweezus. 

He feels cross.

He shoots forward towards the feeding station.

Belle is waiting with Terence and Sweetpea.

Guess what? calls Terence.

I know! says Sweezus. He grabs his musette from Belle.

What's in it this time? Not another foul-smelling sausage?

No, cool, it's a potato cake with bacon.

He speeds off again.

He knew, says Terence.

He thought he knew, says Belle. What were you going to tell him?

About the three fingers, says Terence.

They are probably not John the Baptist's real fingers, says Belle.

Can we go and see them? asks Sweetpea.

If we have time, says Belle.

The race is nearly over. A hectic bunch sprint is occuring in the streets of Saint Vulbas.

Cavendish is well-positioned, about five riders back. 

He sees an opening, and goes like the clappers.

He ends up super-happy.

Stage 4: Pinerolo to Valloire - Peaking

A mountain stage.

Tadej wants to get back his yellow.

So the plan is...

But never mind that.

Here comes Team Philosophe, in the midst of a leisurely discussion.

The diots of Valloire are superior, due to the addition of cabbage, says Gaius

It's still just a sausage, says Vello. I wonder if Belle will have found away to add sauce.

Sauce on a sausage inside a musette? says David. Could be messy.

She said she would try, says Vello. She hinted at garlic and anchovy.

I look forward to it, says Gaius.

Here comes Richard Carapaz, in the yellow.

Good luck with keeping the yellow! calls Vello.

Thanks! says Carapaz.

He zooms off.

I hear Tadej plans to get it back, says David. Could he be peaking too early?

We are all peaking too early, says Vello.

They ride on towards the first feeding station.

Belle is there, with musettes. She hands one to Vello

Terence and Sweetpea are standing on boxes. They have one musette each, with strict instructions.

Terence must hand his to David.

Sweetpea must hand his to Gaius.

They do it sucessfully.

Good lads, says David.

Watch out, it stinks! says Sweetpea.

That is encouraging, says Gaius. 

Sure enough, his diot is smothered in garlic and anchovy sauce.

Sweezus and Arthur roll up. Belle passes them their musettes.

Diots! says Belle. Enjoy! Where's your guy, Nicolo?

In my bad books, says Sweezus. He ran over a frog.

Deliberately, says Arthur.

Terence is listening.

Which one? asks Terence.

Dunno, says Sweezus. They all look alike. Bad luck, little buddy.

He rides off, chewing his sausage. What the fuck is this sauce?

Tadej is in a group on the final mountain climb, the famous col de Galibrier.

He attacks boldly. Vingegaard attempts to follow, but fails.

Tadej rockets down into Valloire, to regain the yellow.

Is he peaking too early?

Do we know what the plan was?

Whatever. He's had good legs today.

Stage 3: Plaisance to Turin - Tiny Sun

A flat stage. 

Terence and Sweetpea can see a long way down the road.

Are they coming yet? asks Sweetpea.

No, says Terence. Let's stand on something.

They climb a low rock.

Baby Pierre shoots past them.

He stops suddenly and turns.

Hi! says Baby Pierre Seen my frog team?

No, says Terence. 

Oh, says Baby Pierre. If you see them, tell them I said they can stop and catch flies.

He speeds back in the direction he came from.

Here comes the peloton.

Sweezus spots Terence and Sweetpea.

On a low rock without Belle.

Shit, says Sweezus. Anything could happen.

Vello catches up with Sweezus.

We've been hearing a rumour, says Vello.

About what? asks Sweezus.

The frog team, says Vello. The rumour is, your team is using the frog team for illegal purposes.

As if, says Sweezus. 

Just thought I'd mention it, says Vello.

The peloton drifts towards the feeding station.

Belle is waiting there with some snacks.

Thanks dear! says Vello, grabbing his musette.

Oops! Something fell out of it.

Don't worry, there's plenty, says Belle.

Vello looks into the bag. There are lots of them. But what are they? Anolini. Tiny suns made of pasta.

Mm, they smell good.

Spider-bonk, is coming up behind him. He sees the dropped one and stops.

Terence has told him what Baby Pierre said.

This isn't a fly, but Baby Pierre also said 'think for yourself'.

Spider-bonk picks up the round yellow pasta, shaped like the sun.

Several riders wobble past him, but no one crashes. Not yet.

Spider-bonk waits at the side of the road for Insect-bonk and Worm-bonk, his team mates.

He will share this tiny round sun with them.

He waits, but only Worm-bonk turns up for the snack-feast.

So what else is going on?

All the sprinters are hoping to win today's flat stage.

They speed up near the finish.

Crash!. Twelve riders are down, including Jasper Philipsen, one of the favourites.

Uh! that means everyone gets the same time.

Binian Girmay wins, (first Eritrean ever!).

Fermando Gaviria comes second.

Arnaud de Lie third.

Richard Carapaz takes the yellow jersey from Tadej.

Insect-bonk is still missing.