Being Part Animal Is Political

You need cheering up, Arthur, says David. Come with us to First Dog on the Moon. It's bound to be funny.

Yes, come on, says Vello. We'll shout you a ticket.

Alright says Arthur. Thanks.

I like First Dog, says Gaius, half rising.

So do I, says Margaret.

Gaius sits down.

Why don't you go and get another beer, Margaret, says Gaius. Since Arthur drank yours.

That was yours, says Margaret. Would you like another?

Yes, please, says Gaius.

Margaret goes back to the bar.

Drat the woman, says Gaius. She can't take a hint.

You didn't give her a hint, says Vello. Why don't you just come with us. The show starts in twenty minutes.

I can't leave without telling her, says Gaius. Or can I?

But it's too late. Margaret is back.

........

Vello, David and Arthur, in the front row of the Pig Tales tent, wait for the show to begin. It is extremely hot in the tent and there is just one large fan.

First Dog stands on the stage sweating, in green tartan shorts, also waiting for the show to begin. He is a well known political cartoonist. He sketches the people in the front row on his computer and the drawing comes up on a screen. He draws David and Vello, then Arthur.

That's you, Arthur, says David, nudging Arthur. You look like a fox.

Marginally better than a cockroach, says Arthur.

That's how he draws Julia Gillard, says Vello.

Like a cockroach? says Arthur.

No, says Vello. Like a fox.

The show starts. It is funny. First Dog explains why we are too stupid to vote. We pay too much attention to our feelings, and allow ourselves to be distracted by cute furry animals.

He does an interpretive dance. To perform the dance, he wears bandicoot ears, and a tail.

Arthur feels strangely relaxed.

There's nothing wrong with being part animal, thinks Arthur. In fact it's political and smart.

........

When the show is over, David receives a phone call.

That was mother, says David, with a groan. She wants me to go to East Blaxland. She has to mind the children again. But if I go I'll miss a week of the Fringe!

I'll go, says Arthur. Why not? I went with her last time. Great place for a cockroach.

David throws up his arms. Thank you dear Arthur! He kisses Arthur on the forehead.

I say Arthur, says David, your forehead is awfully hard.

Like The Fellow In Kafka

Margaret is ordering drinks at the Caravan Bar in the Tuxedo Cat when Arthur arrives.

Over here, Arthur! says Gaius. Sit down. What's the matter?

Arthur sits down.

I have cockroach DNA, shudders Arthur.

Good heavens! says Gaius. How do you know?

Professor Donnellan told me, says Arthur. I need a stiff drink.

Margaret comes over with two glasses of beer.

Arthur grabs one and swallows it down in one gulp.

So you're Arthur, says Margaret. How did the Sprigg Lecture go?

Arthur's had some bad news, Margaret, says Gaius. He's learned he has cockroach DNA.

Nonsense, says Margaret. It's a misunderstanding.

Arthur looks hopeful.

No, says Gaius. I have heard of such things.

Arthur looks glum.

You know how I detest tomatoes, says Gaius.

Indeed I do, says Margaret. Those sandwiches I brought to our picnic that you wouldn't touch.....

With good reason, says Gaius. They modify tomatoes with cockroach DNA to harden their skins for tranportation.

Rubbish! says Margaret. They don't! And even if they do, it should not affect Arthur.

He does eat tomatoes, says Gaius. I've seen him.

Arthur resolves never to eat one again.

Now Arthur, says Gaius. Did you obtain an answer to my question?

No, says Arthur. I was too upset to ask.

What was it? asks Margaret.

It was this, says Gaius. Are caterpillar DNA and butterfly DNA the same? A fascinating question. What a pity, we shall never know the answer.

I know the answer, says Margaret. They are the same. The organism contains DNA that encodes both body forms.

This answer is not encouraging for Arthur.

Can a woman be any more irritating? thinks Gaius. And undoubtedly wrong.

He is about to challenge Margaret's answer when Vello and David come in.

Hello Arthur! Feeling better ? says David. Oh, Margaret, hello......

Well, we've got to run, says Vello.

You've only just got here, says Margaret. Sit down and cheer up poor Arthur. He thinks he's turning into a cockroach.

Ha ha, says Vello. Like that fellow in Kafka. Don't worry Arthur. It's all for the best. Have you ever seen a cockroach in a bandage .....?

Yes, says Arthur. It's still in my pocket.

The Sprigg Lecture And The Lascivious Choir

Arthur doesn't know he is sitting next to Alexis. Alexis knows it is him.

Jane Lomax-Smith introduces Professor Steve Donnellan, the speaker.

Steve stands up, ready to speak.

Alexis catches his eye, and points unobtrusively at Arthur.

Steve nods, and begins his talk on The Frozen Zoo.

Downstairs in the basement the museum has multiple fridges, in which we keep one hundred and thirty thousand tissue samples, says Steve. These are samples of tissue from plants, birds and animals, some of which are extinct. For example the Southern Gastric Brooding Frog, and the Long-Eared Mouse. Now imagine how valuable these tissue samples will be ............

Arthur is bored. He looks up at the crocodile. He looks at the walls. These are covered with masks and spears and ritual objects belonging to Pacific Island Cultures. He dreams of being elsewhere

What did Gaius ask him to come for? Oh yes, he has a DNA question.

The talk ends and there is time for questions.

Arthur stands up. He is given a microphone.

My name is Arthur, says Arthur.

With the cockroach DNA! says Steve. I remember. What is your question?

Arthur is utterly confounded. What? He has cockroach DNA?

He can't even remember the question.

..............

Meanwhile Gaius is sitting uncomfortably close to Margaret, in a stuffy dark theatre watching Choir Girl, for of course they have let him go in.

The young woman on stage performs a comic monologue about joining a choir, in which things go wrong.

Suddenly a choir of eight female voices comes in from behind.

Bay-buh! Bay-buh! They sing.

They come on to the stage wearing big maroon dresses, white stockings, flat shiny black shoes.

When the monologue's theme becomes somewhat erotic, the choir writhe and flap their skirts suggestively and sing in a lascivious fashion.

Margaret laughs, she thinks it is funny. She was once in a choir.

Gaius wonders if he would laugh too, if she wasn't there.

It's over, the audience claps, everyone files out.

That was lovely, says Margaret, fanning her face with the stub of her ticket. Did you enjoy it? Why don't we go for a drink.

Can't says Gaius. I'm meeting Arthur.

More the merrier, says Margaret. Woo hoo!

In And Out of The Tuxedo Cat

It is now evening, at the SA Museum. Steve has asked the young woman on the door to keep an eye out for Arthur, and not let him in.

Arthur strolls up to the door.

Your name please? says the young woman.

Arthur, says Arthur. Arthur Rimbaud.

I can't let you in, says the young woman. You're not on the list.

I am, says Arthur. That's my name right there.

He points to his name in red pen.

Alright, says the young woman, you are on the list. But it's the wrong list.......

Arthur gives her the heart melting blue stare that usually gets him his way.

Oh alright, says the young woman, shifting her stance. Just make sure you sit at the back.

Arthur is in.

Wisely refusing a glass of free Bundaleer wine, he goes straight up the stairs to the Pacific Cultures Gallery, and sits down under the woven straw crocodile, in the very front row.

......

Across the road at the Tuxedo Cat, Gaius waits for the call to see Choir Girl.

He sits on a packing case drinking a flute of free water.

Gaius! Fancy seeing you here! says a loud female voice.

Oh no! Can it be MARGARET?

Margaret sits down beside him.

I thought you'd be at the Sprigg Lecture, says Margaret.

I thought YOU would, says Gaius.

Did you have a nice time in Alice Springs? asks Margaret. Did you find the Impossible Varan or whatever it was?

Gaius senses the question is not totally cordial.

Yes yes, says Gaius. It's no place for a woman out there. That's why I took Arthur.

Right, says Margaret. And then when you got back you went straight off to Middleton. Looking for stick insects, if I'm not wrong.

Yes yes, mutters Gaius. Where is this leading?

Calling people for CHOIR GIRL! shouts somebody loudly.

Margaret stands up.

What dastardly luck. Margaret is going to Choir Girl as well!

How serendipitous! says Margaret. We can sit next to each other.

Gaius looks down at his still bespeckled ticket. Maybe they won't let him in.......

Transmogrification of Matter

Spit it out, Alexis, says Steve. One cockroach or two?

At least two, says Alexis, consulting her notes. A French one, quite old but with young  DNA, and and English one with an interest in paleontology and a nose full of dust.

Gaius is pleased to hear this result, which exonerates him.

Two cockroaches, just as he thought.

But wait! A French one? An English one? What is this all about?

Paul is unimpressed.

Thank you, Alexis, he says. May I have my hankie back now?

No, sorry Paul, says Alexis. It's now part of our tissue collection. It won't be allowed out of the fridge unless you submit a written request.

Wonderful, says Paul. That was my Catalyst hankie.

Which one was the French one, just as a matter of interest? asks Gaius.

There was evidence of the French and the English in both of the samples, says Alexis.

Problem? says Steve.

Indeed, says Gaius. I do not see how that can possibly be. Unless one believes in the transmogrification of matter.

He turns to Alexis.

You said AT LEAST two? he asks her. What else did you find?

Oh evidence of wine, blood, crisps, mucous, and an Australian cockroach, says Alexis. The samples were highly contaminated as no doubt you already knew.

I knew, says Paul, that's why I wasn't planning to come here.

Gaius has had quite enough of this nonsense.

I'm off then, says Gaius. Thank you Alexis for your efforts. Thank you Steve, I hope the Sprigg Lecture goes well.

Pity you aren't able to come, says Steve. You'd enjoy it. The lecture is called Frozen Zoo.

I'll send young Arthur along, if I can find him, says Gaius. He is my right hand man.

Paul raises an eyebrow at Steve, and shakes his head almost imperceptibly.

He mouths the words: DON'T LET HIM IN.

An Insight Into The Tedious Side Of Museum Work

Let's clean up those tickets, says Steve. Give them to me. Hmm, this might be tricky.

Tell me about it, says Gaius. I tried a wet cloth, but the printing started coming off, so I stopped.

Ah yes, says Steve, tickets are no use if they're blank. I'll show you what we do here at the museum. Same as they do at the library. Cockroaches shit on books all the time, the spines usually, it's disgusting.....

This is all very interesting, says Paul, but I need to get back to my office. Can we just test these samples of tissue?

Yes, yes, says Steve. I'll send them downstairs. It may take a few minutes. Would you two like a coffee?

Yes please, says Paul. A skinny latte.

Yes, thank you, says Gaius. White with one.

Steve orders the coffees and calls someone to come up for the samples.

Right, that's underway, says Steve. Now watch this.

He takes some very fine sandpaper out of a drawer and rubs it gently over the faecal spots on the tickets.

Choir Girl! says Steve. You surprise me.

I like a bit of singing, says Gaius.

Did you forget the Sprigg Lecture was on? says Steve, rubbing a little too hard. Oops! Sorry. This isn't working. I'll try option two.

He takes out a bottle of bleach, and a wipe.

Bleach, says Paul. That's a bit drastic.

Not if you're careful, says Steve. He tips bleach on the wipe and dabs cautiously at the green and brown spots. He stops. They don't look any different.

What's option three? says Paul. White Out?

Acrylic paint, says Steve. We must find the right match. Let's see, these tickets are white and pale blue. Let me look in the cupboard. Oh dear I don't have any blue. I'll just call up the library....

This is becoming quite tedious.

Fortunately there is a knock on the door.

Two coffees arrive, fresh  from the Balaena Cafe.

And then there is another knock on the door. It's a young woman in a lab coat.

I have the results of the tissue testing for you, Professor Donnellan, she says.

Thanks, Alexis! That was quick, says Steve.

Knowing Cockroaches Inside And Out

The next morning Paul is in his office. There is a knock on the door.

Come in! says Paul.

Good morning, says Gaius. I have come to observe.

Observe what? says Paul, who has forgotten what happened last night.

The examination of the evidence, says Gaius. Are you ready to go?

Ahh! says Paul, remembering. The evidence! Oh I don't think we need to bother, do you? The cleaners have been in, and ......

You are not getting out of it so easily, says Gaius. I insist on accompanying you to the SA Museum to present the two samples for an independent  decision.

But I'm busy, says Paul.

I' m not leaving, says Gaius. My reputation is at stake.

Alright says Paul, getting the two sealed plastic bags out of the top drawer of his desk. Here's the evidence. Let's go.

They leave the Science Exchange, walk down Exchange Place and along Grenfell Street to Gawler Place, then through to North Terrace and finally arrive at the SA Museum.

Paul asks to see Professor Steve Donnellan.

He's out, says the person on the desk.

Never mind then, some other time, says Paul.

We'll wait, says Gaius. Let's sit down in the foyer and look at the whale bones. I never get tired of looking at bones, and these bones are particularly lovely.

I have to agree with you there, says Paul. I'm a paleontologist myself, I love bones.

They sit in the foyer looking lovingly up at the bones.

Professor Steve Donnellan comes in through the glass doors, with a takeaway coffee.

Paul! says Steve. What are you doing here?

It's a long story, says Paul, but I want you to look at some tissue samples, if you wouldn't mind, and tell me if they're from the same creature.

How fascinating! says Steve. Is it a crocodile?

No, interrupts Gaius. Two cockroaches.

Steve notices Gaius for the first time.

Gaius! says Steve. Wonderful to see you again! Are you coming to my lecture tonight? The Sprigg?

Unfortunately I can't, says Gaius. I'm going to a Fringe event at the Tuxedo Cat. That's if I can clean up this ticket.

What's happened to your ticket? asks Steve.

It's covered with cockroach droppings, says Gaius. And they are the dickens to get off.

Come into my office both of you, says Steve. It just happens I know cockroaches inside and out.