Katherine is packing.
Olive Python is watching.
What does she need so many things for? And some of them are wrapped in pretty paper.
Tch! Tch! says Katherine. I'm already up to my seven kilos. How much do you weigh, Olive dear?
Depends, says Olive Python. On what I've eaten.
Of course it does, says Katherine. I won't give you anything to eat until we get to Blaxland.
This may turn out to be a very bad idea.
.........
David is driving Katherine to the airport.
I do wish you were coming David, dear, says Katherine. The children would love to see you.
What a shame I can't, says David, blandly. Do wish Butterfly a happy birthday from Uncle David. By the way, here's a little present for her. I trust you have some room in that huge handbag?
Hmm, says Katherine. How heavy is it?
David produces a hefty book of classic stories about ponies.
Katherine does a mental calculation.
All right dear, says Katherine. Don't say I'm not obliging. But I shall have to ditch my library book.
I could pop it in the post, says David.
No, no, says Katherine. Your book can go in here with Olive Python. But would you mind dropping The Pickwick Papers back at home.
You're reading Dickens! says David. Ha ha! How old fashioned.
It's not old fashioned, says Katherine. It's very funny. And there is the added interest of the social history. Here it is. Perhaps you might enjoy it. There are characters in it that remind me uncannily of you.
David is piqued by this suggestion. He grabs The Pickwick Papers from his mother, and shoves it in his empty glove box, hardly noticing that it's a little damp.
I don't know what I'll read now, sighs Katherine. I have no interest in ponies. Do you have anything else on you, by any chance? A slim volume....?
Do you know, says David, I think I may have something Vello gave me. I started it, but found it incomprehensible. I wonder if it's on the back seat there.....?
He turns his head to look.
David! Be careful! cries Katherine. I shall look. Oh, is this it? Paris Spleen, by Beaudelaire? What a lovely title. May I borrow it?
With pleasure mother, says David. But don't expect to like it.
Katherine drops the slim volume into her giant floral handbag, on top of Olive Python, and the pony book.
Olive Python stops chewing. What's this? Yum. Beaudelaire.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Giant Floral Handbag
No one wants to take Olive Python back to the Pilbara.
I have to go home to Germany, says Andre Greipel.
I must return to China, says Lu Ban. To take up tennis.
I'm going home to Edinburgh, says Rosamunda. I need to earn some money.
School starts tomorrow, says Janice. Not that I want to go. It's heaps scary. I'll be in Year Nine.
Everyone looks at Arthur.
Not me, says Arthur. I'm going down the coast with Sweezus in the pop up food van.
Then, says Olive Python, I shall make my own way.
She heads off in a northerly direction.
Shouldn't she be going west? says Rosamunda.
Search me, says Andre Greipel. I don't know this country.
North west, says Lu Ban, but it hardly matters.
Arthur has turned away. Yes, it hardly matters. You can die anywhere.
Olive Python has slowed down already. She can't believe that no one really cares.
She sees Gaius in the distance, talking to David and Vello, and an older lady.
Gaius will help her! She slithers across the road towards him, without looking to see if any cars are coming.
Luckily, no cars are coming. The road is still blocked off to normal traffic.
Olive Python! says Gaius. Have you come to say goodbye?
Not at all, says Olive Python. I've come to ask you to take me to the Pilbara. You are my final hope. Lu Ban won't take me.
Tch! says Gaius. I thought he wouldn't.
What's this? says David. Wasn't it you who organised the Pilbara expedition? I should say this little snake is your responsibility.
Should you indeed! says Gaius. It was Lu Ban, not I, who pilfered her.
What a beautiful python! says the older lady, who is none other than David's mother, Katherine Hume.
Olive preens a little, and curls herself around the stout ankles of Katherine.
Oh, Snicky-Snicky, is it fond of me already? coos Katherine, chucking Olive under where her chin would be, if she should have one.
Snicky-Snicky, mother? says David. Must you be ridiculous?
My name is Olive, says Olive Python.
Oh, it speaks. And its dear little name is Olive, says Katherine. Doesn't it have anywhere to go?
The Pilbara, says Olive Python, but no one will take me.
Dear Olive, says Katherine, I can't take you to the Pilbara, but you must come with me to Blaxland. I'm flying there on Thursday to pay a visit to my grandchildren, Butterfly and Fish. They will adore you.
There's a fine offer, Olive, says Gaius. I suggest you take it up. There will be fruit bats.
Olive Python does not need further encouragement. She climbs up into Katherine's giant floral handbag, and falls asleep.
I have to go home to Germany, says Andre Greipel.
I must return to China, says Lu Ban. To take up tennis.
I'm going home to Edinburgh, says Rosamunda. I need to earn some money.
School starts tomorrow, says Janice. Not that I want to go. It's heaps scary. I'll be in Year Nine.
Everyone looks at Arthur.
Not me, says Arthur. I'm going down the coast with Sweezus in the pop up food van.
Then, says Olive Python, I shall make my own way.
She heads off in a northerly direction.
Shouldn't she be going west? says Rosamunda.
Search me, says Andre Greipel. I don't know this country.
North west, says Lu Ban, but it hardly matters.
Arthur has turned away. Yes, it hardly matters. You can die anywhere.
Olive Python has slowed down already. She can't believe that no one really cares.
She sees Gaius in the distance, talking to David and Vello, and an older lady.
Gaius will help her! She slithers across the road towards him, without looking to see if any cars are coming.
Luckily, no cars are coming. The road is still blocked off to normal traffic.
Olive Python! says Gaius. Have you come to say goodbye?
Not at all, says Olive Python. I've come to ask you to take me to the Pilbara. You are my final hope. Lu Ban won't take me.
Tch! says Gaius. I thought he wouldn't.
What's this? says David. Wasn't it you who organised the Pilbara expedition? I should say this little snake is your responsibility.
Should you indeed! says Gaius. It was Lu Ban, not I, who pilfered her.
What a beautiful python! says the older lady, who is none other than David's mother, Katherine Hume.
Olive preens a little, and curls herself around the stout ankles of Katherine.
Oh, Snicky-Snicky, is it fond of me already? coos Katherine, chucking Olive under where her chin would be, if she should have one.
Snicky-Snicky, mother? says David. Must you be ridiculous?
My name is Olive, says Olive Python.
Oh, it speaks. And its dear little name is Olive, says Katherine. Doesn't it have anywhere to go?
The Pilbara, says Olive Python, but no one will take me.
Dear Olive, says Katherine, I can't take you to the Pilbara, but you must come with me to Blaxland. I'm flying there on Thursday to pay a visit to my grandchildren, Butterfly and Fish. They will adore you.
There's a fine offer, Olive, says Gaius. I suggest you take it up. There will be fruit bats.
Olive Python does not need further encouragement. She climbs up into Katherine's giant floral handbag, and falls asleep.
Stage Six: Adelaide Street Circuit - Aftermath
Stage Six, the Adelaide Street Circuit, is over. Andre Greipel has won the stage, Simon Gerrans has won the Tour Down Under.
That's that, says Cadel Evans, bidding farewell to Lu Ban, with whom he has made friends. We can't all be winners. And by the way, that's an excellent hairstyle.
Thank you, says Lu Ban. This way, no one will know me when I first return to China.
Lost face, you reckon? says Cadel Evans, sympathetically. Well, it's good that Li Na won the tennis.
Tennis? says Lu Ban. But she is a woman. I may take up tennis. I once drew up some blueprints for a Dragon racket.
Good on you, says Cadel. And you designed this Dragon bicycle, I hear. Pity about what happened. Where is Olive Python by the way?
I hardly like to tell you, says Lu Ban, since you were so kind as to provide her with those fruit bats.
No trouble at all, says Cadel Evans. But go on, tell me.
She's wedged inside the cross bar of the Dragon, says Lu Ban.
Cadel looks closer at the cross bar of the Dragon. Yes, there is Olive Python wedged inside. Her sides are heaving and she is growing paler by the minute.
Cadel is moved. She looks most uncomfortable. He smiles encouragingly at Olive Python, in her prison, and makes flying fruit bat motions with his elbows, before wheeling his bike away to rejoin his team.
Rosamunda comes up, with Janice.
Lu Ban, says Rosamunda. We must get Olive out of there. Janice has an idea.
Cut open the cross bar, says Janice. I can do it. I'll get Dad's snippers.
You will not do it, says Lu Ban, eyes flashing. The python stays in there. I blame her for everything. She has not been lucky.
Come away, Janice, says Rosamunda. He's in a bad mood.
But..... poor Olive, says Janice. She can't breathe in there. Let's get Gaius. He'll know what to do.
He won't, says Rosamunda. But I know who will. Where's Arthur?
She and Janice go off to look for Arthur.
Lu Ban feels sudden urge to go to the toilet. He props the Dragon against a bollard and strides off.
Andre Greipel is just passing, chuffed with himself and his recent Stage Six win.
Ah! says Andre Greipel. The Dragon is unattended. Hmmm. Scheise!! That snake is trapped inside!
Andre Greipel cannot stand by and watch Olive expiring. It is like when someone leaves a baby locked up in a car. One must act to free it, if one is a good German.
Andre Greipel brings his fist down on the cross bar. It breaks.
Olive Python tumbles out onto the footpath, just as Lu Ban comes back, followed by Rosamunda, Arthur, and Janice, with a pair of her dad's snippers,
That's the last Street Circuit I ever do! says Olive Python, crossly. I'm going. Someone must take me home.
Home! But that is in the Pilbara! Who will do it?
That's that, says Cadel Evans, bidding farewell to Lu Ban, with whom he has made friends. We can't all be winners. And by the way, that's an excellent hairstyle.
Thank you, says Lu Ban. This way, no one will know me when I first return to China.
Lost face, you reckon? says Cadel Evans, sympathetically. Well, it's good that Li Na won the tennis.
Tennis? says Lu Ban. But she is a woman. I may take up tennis. I once drew up some blueprints for a Dragon racket.
Good on you, says Cadel. And you designed this Dragon bicycle, I hear. Pity about what happened. Where is Olive Python by the way?
I hardly like to tell you, says Lu Ban, since you were so kind as to provide her with those fruit bats.
No trouble at all, says Cadel Evans. But go on, tell me.
She's wedged inside the cross bar of the Dragon, says Lu Ban.
Cadel looks closer at the cross bar of the Dragon. Yes, there is Olive Python wedged inside. Her sides are heaving and she is growing paler by the minute.
Cadel is moved. She looks most uncomfortable. He smiles encouragingly at Olive Python, in her prison, and makes flying fruit bat motions with his elbows, before wheeling his bike away to rejoin his team.
Rosamunda comes up, with Janice.
Lu Ban, says Rosamunda. We must get Olive out of there. Janice has an idea.
Cut open the cross bar, says Janice. I can do it. I'll get Dad's snippers.
You will not do it, says Lu Ban, eyes flashing. The python stays in there. I blame her for everything. She has not been lucky.
Come away, Janice, says Rosamunda. He's in a bad mood.
But..... poor Olive, says Janice. She can't breathe in there. Let's get Gaius. He'll know what to do.
He won't, says Rosamunda. But I know who will. Where's Arthur?
She and Janice go off to look for Arthur.
Lu Ban feels sudden urge to go to the toilet. He props the Dragon against a bollard and strides off.
Andre Greipel is just passing, chuffed with himself and his recent Stage Six win.
Ah! says Andre Greipel. The Dragon is unattended. Hmmm. Scheise!! That snake is trapped inside!
Andre Greipel cannot stand by and watch Olive expiring. It is like when someone leaves a baby locked up in a car. One must act to free it, if one is a good German.
Andre Greipel brings his fist down on the cross bar. It breaks.
Olive Python tumbles out onto the footpath, just as Lu Ban comes back, followed by Rosamunda, Arthur, and Janice, with a pair of her dad's snippers,
That's the last Street Circuit I ever do! says Olive Python, crossly. I'm going. Someone must take me home.
Home! But that is in the Pilbara! Who will do it?
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Legends' Night Dinner - No Hard Feelings
It's the Legends' Night Dinner at the Adelaide Convention Centre. Two hundred and fifty dollars per head and a very nice dinner included. Sir Chris Hoy, Jens Voigt and Cadel Evans will recount tales from their remarkable cycling careers.
Vello and David are sitting with Arthur and Sweezus at a conspicuous table.
At the next table, Gaius and Lu Ban, with Olive Python draped round his shoulders.
Richie Porte comes over.
Hi guys, says Richie. Can I pat the snake?
Certainly, says Lu Ban. She has just eaten.
Good snake that one, says Richie. I won yesterday thanks to her.
Lu Ban looks startled.
Arthur pricks up his ears.
So what happened?
Richie is just about to explain how he won Stage Five thanks to Olive Python, when Sir Chris Hoy gets up to speak.
I was inspired to become a cyclist, says Sir Chris Hoy, as a very young lad after seeing the movie ET.
A ripple of laughter runs through the Adelaide Convention Centre.
That is remarkable, whispers David to Vello.
Why so? whispers Vello. What is ET?
Shh! hisses Sweezus. We want to hear this.
Phil Liggett, drops into an empty seat beside Arthur.
Wonderful speaker, Sir Chris, says Phil Liggett. Mind if I sit here?
No, says Arthur. Sit wherever you like.
I might say a few words later on, whispers Phil Liggett loudly. If they ask me,
What about? says Arthur. Another remarkable story?
I have many, says Phil Liggett. Many, many. But....
But? says Arthur.
I prefer to speak about my pet interest, which is Saving the Rhino.
Excuse me! says Gaius, leaning over. Did you say Rhino?
I did indeed, says Phil Liggett. Are you interested in making a donation?
No, no, says Gaius. But I commend you most highly for asking.
He makes a note on his napkin. Save the Rhino.
Jens Voigt is now speaking. He is telling the story of how, when the going is gruelling, he speaks to his legs.
Most of the audience have already heard this story.
Some one cries SHUT UP LEGS!
Everyone laughs. What a brilliant night of reminiscence and cycling glory.
Who is sponsoring this thing?
Nespresso! And now it's time for the coffee.
At last there is quiet. Everyone slurping, and eating the froth with their spoons.
So, Richie? says Arthur.
What, Arthur? says Richie.
The snake, says Arthur. Or should I say, python.
Helped me win, says Richie. At the top of the hill.
It wasn't supposed to, says Arthur. It was meant to cause havoc, and help Sweezus get King Of The Mountain.
Didn't work then, says Richie. When I saw it, It made me go faster. Sorry, Sweezus. No hard feelings?
Fuck man, says Sweezus. I never have hard feelings.
That's the way, says Phil Liggett. That's the way. Wonderful sport. See you chaps tomorrow........
Bye bye, says Olive Python.
Not you, says Lu Ban.
Vello and David are sitting with Arthur and Sweezus at a conspicuous table.
At the next table, Gaius and Lu Ban, with Olive Python draped round his shoulders.
Richie Porte comes over.
Hi guys, says Richie. Can I pat the snake?
Certainly, says Lu Ban. She has just eaten.
Good snake that one, says Richie. I won yesterday thanks to her.
Lu Ban looks startled.
Arthur pricks up his ears.
So what happened?
Richie is just about to explain how he won Stage Five thanks to Olive Python, when Sir Chris Hoy gets up to speak.
I was inspired to become a cyclist, says Sir Chris Hoy, as a very young lad after seeing the movie ET.
A ripple of laughter runs through the Adelaide Convention Centre.
That is remarkable, whispers David to Vello.
Why so? whispers Vello. What is ET?
Shh! hisses Sweezus. We want to hear this.
Phil Liggett, drops into an empty seat beside Arthur.
Wonderful speaker, Sir Chris, says Phil Liggett. Mind if I sit here?
No, says Arthur. Sit wherever you like.
I might say a few words later on, whispers Phil Liggett loudly. If they ask me,
What about? says Arthur. Another remarkable story?
I have many, says Phil Liggett. Many, many. But....
But? says Arthur.
I prefer to speak about my pet interest, which is Saving the Rhino.
Excuse me! says Gaius, leaning over. Did you say Rhino?
I did indeed, says Phil Liggett. Are you interested in making a donation?
No, no, says Gaius. But I commend you most highly for asking.
He makes a note on his napkin. Save the Rhino.
Jens Voigt is now speaking. He is telling the story of how, when the going is gruelling, he speaks to his legs.
Most of the audience have already heard this story.
Some one cries SHUT UP LEGS!
Everyone laughs. What a brilliant night of reminiscence and cycling glory.
Who is sponsoring this thing?
Nespresso! And now it's time for the coffee.
At last there is quiet. Everyone slurping, and eating the froth with their spoons.
So, Richie? says Arthur.
What, Arthur? says Richie.
The snake, says Arthur. Or should I say, python.
Helped me win, says Richie. At the top of the hill.
It wasn't supposed to, says Arthur. It was meant to cause havoc, and help Sweezus get King Of The Mountain.
Didn't work then, says Richie. When I saw it, It made me go faster. Sorry, Sweezus. No hard feelings?
Fuck man, says Sweezus. I never have hard feelings.
That's the way, says Phil Liggett. That's the way. Wonderful sport. See you chaps tomorrow........
Bye bye, says Olive Python.
Not you, says Lu Ban.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Stage Five: McLaren Vale to Willunga Hill - Egos
Another perfect day for racing. The stage begins in beautiful MacLaren Vale, among the scenic vineyards.
Sweezus has high hopes of being King of the Mountain. It feels as though today will be his day.
Arthur has undertaken to come up with a strong supportive plan.
David and Vello will be happy just to finish. They are looking forward to the Legends' Night Dinner in the evening, which Sir Chris Hoy is attending, along with other legends.
.....
Gaius and Lu Ban are riding side by side along the main Road to Willunga, still not talking.
They turn down Aldinga Road, towards Aldinga.
Squeak! Squeak! It's the Dragon, squeaking.
They reach the Esplanade, and ride along the limestone cliffs towards Snapper Point.
Squeak! Squeak! Getting louder.
Jens Voigt flies past, leading an early breakaway.
Squeak-eee! yells Voigt, over his shoulder.
Lu Ban gives Voigt a piercing look, which is ineffectual. Voigt has already vanished in the distance.
At last Gaius feels obliged to say something.
I can't help noticing, Lu Ban, says Gaius, that all is not well with the Dragon.
Lu Ban turns his head to look at Gaius.
Perhaps it is a punishment for hubris, says Lu Ban.
The hubris of the Dragon? asks Gaius.
The Dragon is blameless, says Lu Ban. Perhaps I was too proud.
I'm very glad to hear you say it, says Gaius. I thought, since the trouble on the Corkscrew the other day, that perhaps......
I blame you, says Lu Ban.
Do you? says Gaius. Be that as it may, it is pleasanter like this, riding together, don't you think so?
No, says Lu Ban. My Dragon is squeaking. Everyone who passes us must notice.
Why is it squeaking, just as a matter of interest? asks Gaius.
Empty, says Lu Ban. It was once packed full of weapons, giving it strength and stability.
So it was, says Gaius. And yet, it didn't rattle.
Why should it? says Lu Ban. It was perfectly weighted. Although I must admit it went too fast.
I wonder.... says Gaius slowly ........if there would be room in there for..... Olive Python?
Lu Ban's eyes light up. He thinks perhaps there would.
But on the other hand, how galling for a carpenter immortal, military strategist, engineer and team captain to take his counsel from a natural historian.
He pedals slowly, wrestling with his ego.
......
Meanwhile, just below the summit of Willunga Hill, Olive Python lies waiting, having been recruited earlier by Arthur.
There she falls asleep, and dreams of fruit bats.
Sweezus has high hopes of being King of the Mountain. It feels as though today will be his day.
Arthur has undertaken to come up with a strong supportive plan.
David and Vello will be happy just to finish. They are looking forward to the Legends' Night Dinner in the evening, which Sir Chris Hoy is attending, along with other legends.
.....
Gaius and Lu Ban are riding side by side along the main Road to Willunga, still not talking.
They turn down Aldinga Road, towards Aldinga.
Squeak! Squeak! It's the Dragon, squeaking.
They reach the Esplanade, and ride along the limestone cliffs towards Snapper Point.
Squeak! Squeak! Getting louder.
Jens Voigt flies past, leading an early breakaway.
Squeak-eee! yells Voigt, over his shoulder.
Lu Ban gives Voigt a piercing look, which is ineffectual. Voigt has already vanished in the distance.
At last Gaius feels obliged to say something.
I can't help noticing, Lu Ban, says Gaius, that all is not well with the Dragon.
Lu Ban turns his head to look at Gaius.
Perhaps it is a punishment for hubris, says Lu Ban.
The hubris of the Dragon? asks Gaius.
The Dragon is blameless, says Lu Ban. Perhaps I was too proud.
I'm very glad to hear you say it, says Gaius. I thought, since the trouble on the Corkscrew the other day, that perhaps......
I blame you, says Lu Ban.
Do you? says Gaius. Be that as it may, it is pleasanter like this, riding together, don't you think so?
No, says Lu Ban. My Dragon is squeaking. Everyone who passes us must notice.
Why is it squeaking, just as a matter of interest? asks Gaius.
Empty, says Lu Ban. It was once packed full of weapons, giving it strength and stability.
So it was, says Gaius. And yet, it didn't rattle.
Why should it? says Lu Ban. It was perfectly weighted. Although I must admit it went too fast.
I wonder.... says Gaius slowly ........if there would be room in there for..... Olive Python?
Lu Ban's eyes light up. He thinks perhaps there would.
But on the other hand, how galling for a carpenter immortal, military strategist, engineer and team captain to take his counsel from a natural historian.
He pedals slowly, wrestling with his ego.
......
Meanwhile, just below the summit of Willunga Hill, Olive Python lies waiting, having been recruited earlier by Arthur.
There she falls asleep, and dreams of fruit bats.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Stage Four: Unley to Victor Harbor - Gossip
Stage Four of the Tour Down Under starts in Unley.
The teams are assembled.
Cadel Evans is holding a joey in a blanket. How cute! Take a photo. That's it.
Go! They ride off to the glad sounds of cheering .
There goes Team Philosophe, looking awesome.
There goes Lu Ban, on the Dragon. And Gaius, just behind him, on his own bike again.
Here are Richie Porte, Andre Greipel, Simon Gerrans, riding together. What are they talking about?
Let's listen.
Andre Greipel: What happened then, on the Corkscrew?
Richie Porte: Gaius pressed the button.
Simon Gerrans: What button?
Richie Porte: Catch up, Simon. The button on Lu Ban's Dragon. The one you can only press once.
Andre Greipel: Gaius pressed it?
Richie Porte: Yeah, but Arthur had already pressed it.
Andre Greipel: How do you know?
Richie Porte: I'm mates with Arthur. Since Beijing.
Simon Gerrans: So, nothing happened?
Richie Porte: No, that's the thing, see. All these weapons dropped out on the road. Forks and tridents.
Andre Greipel: Scheise! Forks and tridents! That's bad. How come we didn't see them?
Richie Porte: It happened way before we got there. There were all cleared away by the crews.
Simon Gerrans: So Gaius was ahead then?
Richie Porte: Yeah, by shitloads!
Andre Greipel: So why did he press the button, if he was so far in front?
Richie Porte: Couldn't stop!
Simon Gerrans: Sheez! But wasn't he going uphill?
Richie Porte: Yeah. He was.
Andre Greipel: That's some awesome bicycle. Wish I had one.
They ride off, out of our hearing, Andre Greipel in front.
Here come David and Vello, riding leisurely into Myponga.
Vello: Good to see Gaius still with us.
David: Ha ha! In spite of his injuries.
Vello: And Lu Ban. He looks different somehow.
David: That will be the haircut he had to have.
Vello: Shame. That top knot suited him.
David: I agree, but when your hair gets caught up in a coffee shop umbrella...........
Vello: A common occurrence. Might easily have happened to me....
David: If only you were taller.
Vello: Shall we speed up? Make a good showing?
David: Alright. Let's catch up to Arthur and Sweezus.
They catch up to Arthur and Sweezus, who are discussing literary matters.
Sweezus: That Richie. Wish I knew how he did it.
Arthur: It's all in the tone.
What a boring conversation.
Let's catch up to Lu Ban and Gaius.
Here they are now, coasting into Victor Harbor.
But they are not talking at all.
The teams are assembled.
Cadel Evans is holding a joey in a blanket. How cute! Take a photo. That's it.
Go! They ride off to the glad sounds of cheering .
There goes Team Philosophe, looking awesome.
There goes Lu Ban, on the Dragon. And Gaius, just behind him, on his own bike again.
Here are Richie Porte, Andre Greipel, Simon Gerrans, riding together. What are they talking about?
Let's listen.
Andre Greipel: What happened then, on the Corkscrew?
Richie Porte: Gaius pressed the button.
Simon Gerrans: What button?
Richie Porte: Catch up, Simon. The button on Lu Ban's Dragon. The one you can only press once.
Andre Greipel: Gaius pressed it?
Richie Porte: Yeah, but Arthur had already pressed it.
Andre Greipel: How do you know?
Richie Porte: I'm mates with Arthur. Since Beijing.
Simon Gerrans: So, nothing happened?
Richie Porte: No, that's the thing, see. All these weapons dropped out on the road. Forks and tridents.
Andre Greipel: Scheise! Forks and tridents! That's bad. How come we didn't see them?
Richie Porte: It happened way before we got there. There were all cleared away by the crews.
Simon Gerrans: So Gaius was ahead then?
Richie Porte: Yeah, by shitloads!
Andre Greipel: So why did he press the button, if he was so far in front?
Richie Porte: Couldn't stop!
Simon Gerrans: Sheez! But wasn't he going uphill?
Richie Porte: Yeah. He was.
Andre Greipel: That's some awesome bicycle. Wish I had one.
They ride off, out of our hearing, Andre Greipel in front.
Here come David and Vello, riding leisurely into Myponga.
Vello: Good to see Gaius still with us.
David: Ha ha! In spite of his injuries.
Vello: And Lu Ban. He looks different somehow.
David: That will be the haircut he had to have.
Vello: Shame. That top knot suited him.
David: I agree, but when your hair gets caught up in a coffee shop umbrella...........
Vello: A common occurrence. Might easily have happened to me....
David: If only you were taller.
Vello: Shall we speed up? Make a good showing?
David: Alright. Let's catch up to Arthur and Sweezus.
They catch up to Arthur and Sweezus, who are discussing literary matters.
Sweezus: That Richie. Wish I knew how he did it.
Arthur: It's all in the tone.
What a boring conversation.
Let's catch up to Lu Ban and Gaius.
Here they are now, coasting into Victor Harbor.
But they are not talking at all.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Stage Three: Norwood to Cambelltown - Tactics
It's early morning in Norwood, the start of Stage Three of the Tour Down Under.
Rosamunda, Janice, Olive Python and Lu Ban are sitting outside Cibo's, under a red umbrella, talking tactics.
The way I see it, says Rosamunda, you should partly disable the Dragon.
Lu Ban looks thoughtful.
I don't like it, says Olive Python.
Why not, my lucky talisman? asks Lu Ban.
It's cruel, says Olive Python.
That's rich, says Janice. Coming from you.
I speak as a member of the animal community, says Olive Python.
You eat live fruit bats, says Janice.
When I say disable the Dragon, says Rosamunda, I mean only to slow it down enough for Lu Ban to win.
I like it, says Lu Ban. You are an asset to Team Everlasting Dragons, Rosamunda.
LATTES FOR ROSAMUNDA! calls a voice from inside the cafe.
Rosamunda gets up from the table, and disappears into the cafe.
An animal can eat other animals, says Olive Python.
A Dragon isn't an animal, says Janice
Lu Ban is not listening. He is thinking of ways he can slightly disable the Dragon.
Gaius comes by, with a program.
Bad luck yesterday, you not winning, says Gaius. It was an excellent plan that you ruined. But I have come up with one that is foolproof.
No need to insult me, says Lu Ban. What is it?
Simple, says Gaius. We swap bicycles. That is, if you think you are good enough to win on a regular bicycle.
Lu Ban is furious. He stands up. His top knot catches in the spoke of red umbrella.
He tries to sit down again. His hair will not allow it.
How awkward.
Rosamunda comes out of the cafe carrying three lattes, a Crostatina Rossa and a Crostatina al Mango, and plonks them down on the table.
Gaius, says Rosamunda. Would you like something?
No, says Gaius stiffly. I'm about to ride in Stage Three. On the Dragon.
Lu Ban! That's genius! says Rosamunda. Perfect way to disable the Dragon. Do sit down now. Have a latte and choose a crostatina.
He can't, says Janice. His hair's all caught up in the umbrella.
Gaius permits himself an almost imperceptible smirk of derision.
He looks around for the Dragon. There it is, leaning against a temporary barrier.
He wheels it towards the start line.
It is restive. It keeps lurching forward and twisting.
Steady, says Gaius. Save that for the Corkscrew.
Rosamunda, Janice, Olive Python and Lu Ban are sitting outside Cibo's, under a red umbrella, talking tactics.
The way I see it, says Rosamunda, you should partly disable the Dragon.
Lu Ban looks thoughtful.
I don't like it, says Olive Python.
Why not, my lucky talisman? asks Lu Ban.
It's cruel, says Olive Python.
That's rich, says Janice. Coming from you.
I speak as a member of the animal community, says Olive Python.
You eat live fruit bats, says Janice.
When I say disable the Dragon, says Rosamunda, I mean only to slow it down enough for Lu Ban to win.
I like it, says Lu Ban. You are an asset to Team Everlasting Dragons, Rosamunda.
LATTES FOR ROSAMUNDA! calls a voice from inside the cafe.
Rosamunda gets up from the table, and disappears into the cafe.
An animal can eat other animals, says Olive Python.
A Dragon isn't an animal, says Janice
Lu Ban is not listening. He is thinking of ways he can slightly disable the Dragon.
Gaius comes by, with a program.
Bad luck yesterday, you not winning, says Gaius. It was an excellent plan that you ruined. But I have come up with one that is foolproof.
No need to insult me, says Lu Ban. What is it?
Simple, says Gaius. We swap bicycles. That is, if you think you are good enough to win on a regular bicycle.
Lu Ban is furious. He stands up. His top knot catches in the spoke of red umbrella.
He tries to sit down again. His hair will not allow it.
How awkward.
Rosamunda comes out of the cafe carrying three lattes, a Crostatina Rossa and a Crostatina al Mango, and plonks them down on the table.
Gaius, says Rosamunda. Would you like something?
No, says Gaius stiffly. I'm about to ride in Stage Three. On the Dragon.
Lu Ban! That's genius! says Rosamunda. Perfect way to disable the Dragon. Do sit down now. Have a latte and choose a crostatina.
He can't, says Janice. His hair's all caught up in the umbrella.
Gaius permits himself an almost imperceptible smirk of derision.
He looks around for the Dragon. There it is, leaning against a temporary barrier.
He wheels it towards the start line.
It is restive. It keeps lurching forward and twisting.
Steady, says Gaius. Save that for the Corkscrew.
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