Vulgarity

Els Quatre Gats.

In walks Ortega y Gasset.

Looks around. Where are the other philosophers?

Yoo hoo! calls David. Over here! You must be Ortega y Gasset.

Ortega y Gasset wonders if it's a trick question.

Not even a question. A trick statement.

He maintains a straight Spanish face.

You old fool, shouts Vello, across the restaurant. I'd recognise that hat anywhere!

Ortega y Gasset is about to crack a thin smile when in walks George Santayana.

Could there be a worse circumstance? George wears an identical hat.

Hi there! says George Santayana (who is Spanish but lives in America)

George! cries David. Come and sit down. Is it really you?

Yes, it's me, you crazy old empiricist, says George Santayana, slapping David on the back and nearly dislodging his pintxos.

Cah! coughs David.

Oh dear, are you okay? says George, all concerned.

Ortega y Gasset plops down in a spare chair.

Snap with the hats, fellows! says Vello. I had a hat once. Remember it David?

David does remember. Why is Vello bringing it up now?

Perhaps to break the awkward tension. Good old Vello.

Yes, says David. A high pointed hat. You tried to get on a bus, but the hat was too tall, and you had blackberries under it......

Oh yes! yelps Vello, in helpless spasms of laughter. And the juice ran down my face and the driver thought I was bleeding....

Ahem, says Ortega y Gasset, still po-faced, and delicately taking his hat off.

Bwah-hah-hah, laughs George Santayana. Come on José. Small things. Remember?

Yes! says David. 'For the person for whom small things do not exist, the great is not great'.

That's great, says Ortega y Gasset.

Everyone laughs. Because it is one of his aphorisms.

And after all, are they not equals?

..........

Belle et Bonne and Marie are walking through Parc Joan Miro, admiring the futuristic sculptures (of some time ago).

Not really looking.

So what did you DO? asks Belle et Bonne. Did you go out?

Yes, I took him to an art exhibition, says Marie. Art After Dark.

Isn't he a bit arty? says Belle et Bonne. His mum's got a craft shop.

Yes, says Marie. He's so funny. We walked into this gallery, and it was dark, and there was this screen and they were showing a film of.......well,  he thought they were stromatolites.

And what were they? asks Belle.

Penises, says Marie. Cartoon penises, waving in unison, big ones and little ones.

Wicked! says Belle et Bonne. What did he say when you told him.

I didn't need to tell him, says Marie. He soon realised.

Hee hee, giggles Belle.

What vulgar things these girls talk about!

Predators In Barcelona

Barcelona. Belle et Bonne arrives first.

Marie! cries Belle et Bonne when they meet at a café called Els Quatre Gats, where Picasso used to meet Dali.

Belle! cries Marie. How lovely to see you. How did the Tour go?

So-so, says Belle et Bonne. Sweezus wasn't totally focused. Arthur was ....Arthur. And Sweezie gave him a knife! Unni was as prickly as usual. How's things back home?

Freezing. says Marie. And quiet. There was so little to do I had to amuse myself with a series of torrid affairs.

Cool, says Belle et Bonne. Let's go and explore Barcelona and you can tell me all about them. Where would you like to go first?

Let's walk to the Parc de la Cuitadella, says Marie. Then get pintxos for lunch. And drink vermouth. Then, let's climb Montjuiic.

You are energetic, says Belle et Bonne . Who were all these lovers? Do I know them?

One was Surfing-with Whales, says Marie.

Jeeeeesus! says Belle et Bonne.

A Spaniard who happens to be passing, looks offended.

Perhaps that's his name.

Marie and Belle walk to the Parc. The sun is shining and the streets bristle with tourists.

They stop to look at La Pedrera, a modernista style building by Antoni Gaudi.

How wondrous it is. No straight lines, tangled balconies, doors of twisted kelp, natural forms made of brick and mortar.

Surfing-With Whales! says Belle et Bonne, turning from La Pedrera. He was Unni's old boyfriend. What was he like?

Brain of a cheese sandwich, says Marie. But okay in some departments. How's Vello? And David?

They're coming to Barcelona for a meeting of Spanish philosophers, says Belle et Bonne.

O to be a fly on the wall, says Marie.

........

In Madrid, José Ortega y Gasset is about to depart for Barcelona.

He takes his panama hat from the hat box. Puts it on, at an angle.

He was so handsome when he was young. Now he looks predatory.

But what can he do?

He is himself and his circumstances.....

...........

Vello and David are on a very fast train, which will soon reach Barcelona.

They have finished the Paris macarons, and run out of sparkling water.

They look out of the window, at modern life passing.

Modern life is passing the window of the very fast train at a speed equal to the speed of the very fast train.

This is what both philosophers are thinking.

But neither observes it aloud, because as a philosophical thought it needs further examination ............

Schopenhauer comes back from the toilet.

He sits down and looks out of the window at modern life passing.

I suppose there are no macarons left, says Schopenhauer, supposing correctly.

That's Everyone Disposed Of

The best thing about Le Tour being over is:

You are in Paris.

Why do they all want to leave?

Belle et Bonne, Sweezus, Arthur, Unni, Gaius, Vello, David, Schopenhauer, Ageless, Louttit, Louis-Claude, Freud and Baby Pierre are sitting at a table outside Les Deux Magots.

They all have their plans.

I'm meeting Marie in Barcelona, says Belle et Bonne. She wants a Mediterranean holiday

Marie! says Vello. Then who will look after the office?

I will! says Baby Pierre.

Very funny, says Ageless. Are you a philosopher?

I am an atheist and free thinker says Baby Pierre. Always was. Always will be. Ee! Ee!

Awesome! says Sweezus. He could do it!

No, he couldn't, says David. He is full of contradictions. A free thinker ought not ........

And in any case, says Freud. He is coming with me. He will be a great asset in my new business, Popup Paintball. The children all love him.

Geez! says Sweezus. You're so good at business. I forgot about mine. Except that night when I had that gruesome nightmare. I brought all these cool fliers with me. Still got all of 'em.

Why can't you and David look after the office, papa? asks Belle et Bonne. Aren't you going home either?

No, says Vello. David and I are also going to Barcelona. There's a meeting of Spanish philosophers.

Why haven't  I heard of it? asks Belle et Bonne.

There are not many of them, says David.

Meetings or Spanish philosophers? says Baby Pierre.

O he is a sharp one.

We are meeting with José Ortega y Gasset, says Vello. And it can't be postponed.

I should like to meet José Ortega y Gasset, says Schopenhauer. I would like to hear his views on natural history.

He has no views on natural history, says David. He is modern . He is into technology, as I seem to remember. But you are welcome to come along with us.

Yes, yes, you are, says Vello. The more philosophers the better.

Belle et Bonne tries not to look doubtful.

Count me out, says Gaius. I'm off to join Bush Blitz. Margaret told me about it. They seek out new and undescribed species. Like Arthur's spider.

That was a dream, says Arthur. A big orange hairy spider. In Tasmania. Found by a boy.

It was a prescient dream then, says Gaius. Such a spider was found in Tasmania by a boy. He was participating in Bush Blitz. You will like Bush Blitz, Arthur. And your new knife may turn out to be useful.

Actually, says Arthur, I'm thinking of going to Barcelona.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Barcelona'll be warm. I might join you. I've got heaps of cash left from ...err

That ghost written article in which you defamed me! says Schopenhauer.

Now then, says David. You have changed your philosophy. Don't deny it. You are quite the hedonist. Look how fussily you look after your pants.

Is anyone going to Tasmania? asks Louis-Claude. Je regrette, but that is my home.

I'm going in spring time, says Unni. When Dismal Swamp's open. Why not come back with me to Blaxland. Dad's congregation will love you.

Louis-Claude's day is made. To travel with Unni, who always reminds him of Rose!

There is still the problem of who will look after the office. Who is left? It may have to be...

Ageless, says Vello. I wonder...

Say no more, says Ageless. I will look after the office. It will be safe in my capable claws. I have plans already. There are more philosophers in the marine world than you may suppose.

Very true, says Captain Louttit, nodding sagely. I myself....

Ageless did not mean Captain Louttit, but he also nods sagely.

Vello and David are lulled into a sense of complacency, almost Spanish in nature.

That's everyone disposed of.

Olé.

Stage Twenty One: Evry to Paris Champs-Elysées - Everyone a Winner Almost

The last day. Everything is already decided.

Nibali is the winner, Péraud second, Pinot third, Sagan gets the green jersey and Majka is king of the mountain. Marianne Vos has just won La Course.

Pardon?

Oh yes the WOMEN had their little race earlier.....

Vello is riding out of Evry with Schopenhauer and Gaius. It is sunny. They are drinking champagne.

Smile! cries Belle et Bonne, jumping out to take a photo.

I suppose I should have done that, says David. I'm the Team Manager.

Gaius wobbles to a halt.

And a very good job you've done, David, says Gaius. Do you know, I found a hornet yesterday in Périgueux with a ten centimetre stinger.

My my! Any spiders? asks David.

Sadly no, says Gaius, but at least you inspired me to look. When I get home I shall......

Do get on your bike, Gaius, says Belle et Bonne You're holding everyone up.

Yes, get on, says Ageless who is rolling up behind them with Louttit and Louis-Claude alongside.

The crowd at the roadside starts clapping. Ageless waves, with his uppermost leg.

Hoo-hoo-parp! What's that noise?

Where ees Baby Pierre? calls a petit enfant from the sidelines.

Freud appears suddenly.

Coming shortly, says Freud, with a twinkle.

(He's short, get it?)

But French children don't get German puns.

......

Here come Sweezus, Unni and Arthur, riding together.

Only Arthur looks happy. His new knife is wedged under his leg band. The couteau nontron.

Sweezus is saying, to Unni: But you didn't want anything.

Unni is saying: A medal. I just don't want a medal.

Sweezus: I didn't get you a medal.

Unni: Because Arthur said I'd be insulted.

Sweezus: It was his idea  in the first place.

Unni: You're kidding! Was it?

She laughs at the unfathomable nature of Arthur, who lives a charmed life.

..........

Now the race is in earnest.

Péraud falls down, and gets up again while everyone waits.

Richie Porte leads a breakaway, with Morkov, Serpa and Fonseca.

Richie is last to be caught. Well done Richie!

And then Marcel Kittel comes through. Super-happy!

.......

Baby Pierre has escaped from the motor cycle top box where Freud had him imprisoned.

How has he done it? Easy. Zoomed out when Freud was extracting his lunch.

Zwooom! Baby Pierre rides to the finish at the Arc de Triomphe, scattering green paint spots.

Pitt! Pitt! Pitt! Pitt!

Ooh! cry the petit enfants ! Maman ! Now we all have green jerseys. C'est formidable! Hourra for Baby Pierre!

........

Cheng Ji, the one Chinese rider, rides alongside the Seine.

Below is the green billowing water
The sky is long, the road is far
Bitter flies his spirit
The spirit he dreams can't get through.

Crash!

Left elbow, knee trauma.

Au revoir Le Tour!

Stage Twenty: Bergerac to Périgueux - Humanity

Today is the day of the time trials. The riders wear different hats.

Surprising what difference a hat makes.

Tony Martin looks like a round baby.

Don't tell him that.

Sweezus has finished his time trial. He is in Périgueux.

He is looking at the shops. Specifically, he is browsing in a knife shop.

And surprise! So is Gabriel Gaté!

Sweezus doesn't know whether to say hello to Gabriel Gaté.

You know how it is. When you see someone you know from the telly, you know them but they don't know you.

Sweezus! says Gabriel Gaté, in his thick French accent.

It sounds like 'Sweyzoo'.

There follows a friendly conversation.

I zee you are lookin' at zee knivez, says Gabriel Gaté. Zeez knivez, zey are fammooz. Zey are called couteaux nontrons. Zey are veree strong and zey are 'and-made wiz boxwood in ze ol' fashioned way.

Av you got one? asks Sweezus. Damn. How embarrassing. He has mimicked the accent.

No, says Gabriel Gaté. An' I deed not know you were Franch! Au revoir, Sweyzoo. I must now go to Parees to meet wiz a world fammooz chef.

Sweezus could kick himself.

As a sort of a penance, he buys a couteau nontron, wiz a handle of boxwood, for Arthur.

.......

Vello rides in to Périgueux, having managed a creditable time.

Well done, papa! cries Belle et Bonne.

Yes, well done, says David.

Thank you, says Vello. I must say I'm quite pleased with myself. I was thinking of retiring, but now.....

No don't think of retiring, says David. I've just made the opposite decision.

What is it? asks Vello.

I'm returning to top level racing, says David. I don't like being a manager. Too much pressure. Organising the food bags and everything. Every day. It's relentless.

Belle et Bonne looks at Vello. Don't say what you're thinking, papa.

Vello is about to say it anyway, when .....

In comes Alejandro Valverde, looking dejected.

Followed by Arthur, who has almost surpassed him.

Arthur pulls up. Sweezus appears out of an alleyway.

Epic ride, man! says Sweezus. This is for you!

He hands Arthur a box, wrapped in Périgueux paper, with a Périgueux ribbon.

Vello, Belle et Bonne, David, and Alejandro Valverde look at the box curiously.

Arthur decides he will open it later.

......

Gaius rolls in to Périgueux, at a faster pace than expected.

Has he stopped thinking of spiders? Not exactly.

David has told him that Périgueux is a hotbed of spiders, to give him a much needed incentive.

How clever of David. What a loss it will be to Team Management should David retire.

........

Here comes Ageless pedaling doggedly to the finish.

How did Baby Pierre do? asks Ageless, looking up at the time board.

We haven't seen him, says Belle et Bonne.

I saw him, says Arthur.

Me too, says Alejandro Valverde.

But he hasn't finished? says Ageless. What's the little shit up to?

So Ageless does care after all.

Stage Nineteen: Maubourguet to Bergerac - Slips and Obsessions

Stage nineteen, a flat stage, it is raining, and we already know the Tour winner. How dull.

But no! Something might happen. Let's keep watching.

Sweezus has caught up with Tom-Jelte Slagter, who he knows from before.

Hi Tom-Jelte! says Sweezus, looking sideways at Tom-Jelte Slagter.

Hi Sweezus,  says Tom Jelte-Slagter. What are you staring at?

Your helmet, says Sweezus. And how much of your hair's sticking out.

Tja! says Tom-Jelte Slagter. I have no time for thinking of hair. Today I have plans for attempting a courageous breakaway. Excuse me, I must start it just now. Catch up with me after Cote de Monbazillac!

He commences his courageous breakaway, even though it is raining. A camera rolls by, held by a man on a motor bike.

Tom-Jelte grins at the camera. What you see of his hair looks just fine.

Sweezus rides steadily. Tom-Jelte is right. This is no time for vanity.

There is Gaius, just ahead of him.

Hi Gaius, says Sweezus. Shitty, this rain!

What? says Gaius. Is it? Perhaps I should put on my rain jacket.

He fiddles and juggles with zips.

Freud was looking for you, says Sweezus.

I know, says Gaius. He already found me. Silly fellow. Not all obsessions are signs of madness. I simply have an interest in spiders. Did you know....Oops! What was that green flash? Did you see it?

Baby Pierre, says Sweezus. Watch out for him. He's got new green tyres with fluoroelastemers.

Dear me, says Gaius. I hope they grip well in the rain.

A sensible hope.

And Baby Pierre has not hoped it.

He flits in and out of the riders, being a menace.

Flash! The Green Terror!  The Green Upset-to-Order. The Green Arrow. The Green Mark of the Claw. The Green Pride of his Daddy (this last is debatable).

All of a sudden he spots Peter Sagan.  He rides up behind Peter Sagan.

Baby Pierre admires the green jersey of Peter Sagan. He would like one.

 Zwoom! he rides under his wheels. He glances upwards, for a better look at the jersey.

It is still raining heavily.

Baby Pierre's fluoroelastemer tyres lose their grip on the road.

Wheeee! Whaaaa! A lot of riders fall over. But no one is hurt.

Peter Sagan stands up. Hands on hips he waits for a new bicycle. There goes his last hope of a stage.

Baby Pierre zooms away inconspicuously.

Hoo hoo! Crazy-fun tyres!

The crash has not bothered Ramunas Navardaukas of Team Garmin Sharp. He is ahead of it.

Thanks to the efforts of his team mate Tom-Jelte Slagter, Ramunas Navardaukas  finds himself in a winning position.

He powers into Bergerac, a proud Lithuanian rider.

Stage Eighteen: Pau to Hautacam - Green O-Rings

Stage eighteen. The last day in the Pyrenees.  The last day for the climbers to shine.

Ageless rides out of Pau, flanked by his henchmen, Louttit and Louis-Claude.

But what is this? A small figure on a tiny bicycle buzzes up out of nowhere and wheee! does a wheelie in front of his daddy.

Curses! says Ageless. It's you again, Baby Pierre. How did you get your tyre fixed?

Yes, how? says Louttit. You, with no team car and no spare parts following.

Et comment? echoes Louis-Claude, his eyes goggling at the shiny green tyres on the bicycle of Baby Pierre.

Baby Pierre is proud of his achievement. He wants to explain it. He rides alongside.

A pebble has friends everywhere! cries Baby Pierre. And it's not cheating. I asked the pebbles of Pla d'Adet for assistance.

What help could they possibly be? mutters Ageless.

Hoo-hoo! They collect O-rings! says Baby Pierre. They worship roundness and holiness.

This smacks of invention, says Louttit. And not very good invention. If they worship O- rings why would they give them to you?

Because I have the Mark of the Claw, says Baby Pierre.

What are they made of, these O-rings? asks Louis-Claude. Are they strong, are they heat resistant?

O yes, says Baby Pierre. They are fluoroelastemer O-rings.

Baby Pierre does another elaborate wheelie, and buzzes off in pursuit of more fame.

..........

Vincenzo Nibali rides steadily up the Col du Tourmelet, intent on proving to be the strongest rider.

Zwoom! A green flash passes under his bicycle.

Team Astana are on the alert. Nothing must spoil the chances of Vincenzo Nibali.

But they needn't worry. Vincenzo stays perfectly focused.

.......

Professor Freud rides up the Col du Tourmelet on his hired motorbike.

He is surprised to see Vello and Schopenhauer sitting on a grass verge.

Given up? says Freud, pulling up in a blast of hot fumes.

No no, says Vello. Just waiting for Gaius to catch up. He's become obsessed with spiders.

You don't say, says Freud. Perhaps I can help him. I'll wait with you.

Got any snacks? asks Schopenhauer. I smell something warm and delicious.

It's gateau à la broche, says Freud. Cake on a spit. A local specialty.

He offers them some. They are nibbling the treat when Sweezus and Arthur ride by.

Sweezus doesn't look happy, says Vello.

Ah, says Freud. It's that game the girls play. It's upset him.

With or without? says Vello. Why, what did they give him?

A 'with', says Freud. Frankly I can't see it makes any difference.

Oh I can, says Schopenhauer. It's all in the hairstyle. We Germans understand it. Look at Marcel Kittel. He never goes anywhere without his hair drier. When he takes off his helmet, he looks like a god.

I see, says Freud slowly. I am an Austrian. It's to do with....

....disappointing hair, says Vello. I always said Sweezus could do with a haircut. ...Oi ! did you see that green flash then?

That was Baby Pierre, says Freud, who seems to know everything. He's got green rubber O-rings for tyres.

A speedy little devil, says Vello. And plucky.

Not registered, says Schopenhauer. And dangerous.

A menace, says Freud.