Genius And Watchi

Look, Arthur, says Terence. A watchi.

Arthur opens his eyes, and looks.

So does Reedy, at the other end of the sofa.

It's not a watchi, says Reedy, it's a Tamagotchi. My sister had one.

What are the buttons for? asks Arthur. He presses one.

DON'T, says Terence. My egg's hatching.

It's hatched, says Reedy. See, that's your baby. Those are it's eyes.

What do I do now? asks Terence.

Feed it and keep it happy, says Reedy. And pick up it's droppings.

I'm not doing that, says Terence. 

Then it dies, says Reedy.

Good, says Terence. 

Dinner! calls Carol. Come and sit down.

Arthur and Reedy get up and go to the table.

Terence sits on the sofa, with his baby. It hasn't dropped droppings. Not yet.

Beep! says the baby Tamagotchi.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

Louisa is busy explaining the ingredients of a bowl of  beetroot, carrot, kale and cranberry salad to Gaius, so she doesn't hear the question.

Reedy is helping himself to turkey and gravy. Nor does he.

Beep! Beep! goes the baby Tamagotchi. 

Terence presses a button. 

A milk bottle appears. The baby looks glum.

Drink it, says Terence.

NO! snaps the baby.

Why? asks Terence.

Why not? says the baby.

Why not what? asks Terence.

You should have asked me why not, says the baby. Not why.

What's wrong with why? asks Terence. 

Because you wanted to know why I won't drink the milk, says the baby. Why is for asking why I will drink it.

I don't think you're a real baby, says Terence.

Good deduction, says the baby. You're nearly as clever as me,

Babies aren't clever says Terence. 

Digital ones are, says the baby. If you feed me and give me activities and keep the discipline meter at 100 percent I'll grow into a Tamatchi and then a Mametchi. A Mametchi is the smartest Tamagotchi.

Woop, says Terence. If you don't do droppings I might think about it.

Deal, says the baby. But you'll have to hack into me.

How? asks Terence.

Open me and disable the droppings function, says the baby.

Okay, says Terence. I'll get one of them to help me. Hey!

What, little buddy? asks Sweezus, spearing a roasted potato.

Help me open this watchi and disable the droppings function, says Terence.

Holy cow! says Sweezus. What are you, a genius?

Terence looks proud.

And It Died

The next day. Christmas.

Louisa's mum's house.

Everyone rocks up.

Come in boys, says Carol. Welcome. Good to see you again. How long ago was it? Six years? 

Indeed, says Gaius. Louisa was just a schoolgirl.

Yes. she played the trumpet in the school band, says Carol. And there was some sort of mix-up when you all got off the ferry.

That was me and Arthur, says Sweezus. They thought I was David Suzuki and Arthur was Jacques Cousteau.

That's right, says Carol. And then the real David Suzuki and Jacques Cousteau turned up.

No, that wasn't them either, says Sweezus.

O, says Carol. I always thought it was.

Mum, says Louisa. You knew it wasn't.

Was I there? asks Terence. Who was I?

You were the Bright Red Object, says Louisa.

Terence had forgotten. 

Well, Terence, says Carol, Louisa has got you a present.

Yay! says Terence. 

Have you wrapped it? asks Louisa. 

I wrapped it, says Carol. She hands Terence a box, tied with a bright red ribbon.

Terence opens the box.

What is it? Yippee! A watch!

No, a Tamagotchi, says Louisa.

No kidding! says Sweezus. I haven't seen one of them for, like..... years. 

See the three buttons? says Louisa. Press that one. And you'll see your egg.

Terence presses it.

But he doesn't see an egg. He sees a ghost and a headstone.

That must be my last pet, says Louisa. I guess I stopped feeding it, and it died.

Can I smell turkey? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Carol. I hope it's not too birdy.

Not at all, says Gaius. A turkey is what it is.

I mean, to eat, says Carol. I have plenty of salads.

We are all a bit under the weather, says Gaius. We've been eating sweaty pastries and drinking beer all yesterday, last night and first thing this morning.

Is that why Arthur and Reedy have collapsed on the sofa? asks Carol.

Could be. 

Or perhaps there was just nowhere to fit them into the conversation.

Many Uses Of Mothers

 Louisa searches her house for a present for Terence.

Nothing.

She calls her mum, Carol, in Kingscote.

Mum! Have you got my old Tamagotchi?

Somewhere, says Carol. Why?

Can you bring it over? asks Louisa.

No, says Carol. I'm busy making a trifle.

Bugger, says Louisa. If I send some friends round, can you give it to them?

I suppose so, says Carol.

Could you wrap it up first? asks Louisa.

So it's a present for one of your friends, says Carol. 

Yes, they're coming to my house for Christmas dinner, says Louisa.

When? asks Carol.

Tomorrow lunch time, says Louisa.

But I'm expecting you here! says Carol.

Oh, says Louisa. I forgot.

Forgot your own mother, says Carol. And here I am with a turkey.

Turkey? says Louisa. Could you cook something a little less birdy?

What's it to you, if you're not coming? asks Carol.

We could all come, says Louisa. It'd save me an embarrassment. All I've got is sushi leftovers and popcorn.

Bring the popcorn, says Carol. How many friends are we talking?

Um... Sweezus, Arthur, Gaius and Reedy, says Louisa. And Terence, but he doesn't eat anything. At least he shouldn't. And there may be two ducks, but they'll find their own food.

I remember your friends, says Carol. It'll be nice to see them again. Where are they now?

Stokes Bay, says Louisa. In Reedy's caravan.

Cripes, they'll all be drunk, says Carol.

Let's hope not, says Louisa. I was planning to bring some wild gin.

Bring it anyway, says Carol.

So Christmas is sorted.

Louisa calls Arthur. 

Wha...? says Arthur. 

He sounds a bit out of it.

(Carol was right).

Crap Guardian

 In the stuffy interior of the blue caravan Sweezus's phone rings.

Woowa-uh! he wakes up.

Gaius? No way. Gaius is snoring, in a corner.

Terence! It must be!

Is that you little buddy? asks Sweezus. You in trouble?

Yes! says Terence. I'm outside.

I know you're outside, says Sweezus. Whereabouts exactly? 

OPEN THE DOOR! shouts Terence. I'm OUTSIDE!

Sweezus stumbles over Reedy and Arthur and lifts the door's wood-and-wire handle.

Bright light floods the caravan.

Terence steps inside.

Good, you're okay, says Sweezus. I was worried.

I wasn't worried, says Terence. I was something else. 

What was that? asks Sweezus.

I was up on the sand hill, says Terence. And I could see everything.

Cool, says Sweezus. So you got a perspective.

No, says Terence. I didn't. But Louisa said she'll find me a present.

Awesome, says Sweezus. So you've got something to look forward to, tomorrow.

But no parrots, says Terence.

Where are they? asks Sweezus.

Spinning on the water, says Terence.

Spinning, says Sweezus. Did they eat some of Reedy's mum's pastries?

No, says Terence. They're just spinning. 

You're better off without them, says Sweezus. I never liked birds.

You will one day, says Terence, because I do.

Wrong way round little buddy, says Sweezus. One day you won't, because I don't.

Shit man, says Reedy, who has been half awake listening. You his dad or something?

No way, says Sweezus. Sort of more like a crap guardian.

What's the difference? says Reedy.

Gaius sits up at this point. He too was half listening.

As to the ducks spinning, says Gaius, it's just what they do. They spin in pairs, on the water,  head to tail, and create a vortex which forces food up from the bottom.

That's freakin' clever, says Sweezus. Good on them.

See, says Terence.

 

Like A Bee-Sting

 How're they doing? asks Reedy.

Gone to look for fresh water, says Gaius. I gave Terence my phone.

I meant mum's pastries, says Reedy. Are they defrosted?

More than defrosted, says Gaius. We'd better eat them quickly.

I'll get a knife, says Reedy.

He cuts up the bienenstich, and hands it around.

Yum, says Sweezus. Tastes like a bee-sting.

It is a bee-sting, says Reedy.

You gave Terence your phone? says Arthur.

So he can call if he gets into trouble, says Gaius. 

Maybe we should call him, says Sweezus, licking honey and cream from his fingers.

He's with his Polynesias, says Gaius. He'll be all right.

You reckon they're reliable? asks Sweezus. 

We'll see, says Gaius. 

How come you're so laid back? asks Sweezus.

Maybe it's the beer, says Gaius. May I have another one?

Yes he may. Reedy is well stocked with ales and lagers.

The combination of rich sticky pastries, copious ale and the stuffy air in the tiny blue caravan sends them gradually into a stupor, and no one calls Terence.

Terence has made for the sand hills. From higher up, he should have a good view.

His duck-parrots have disappeared already.

Up up climbs Terence.

The sand is soft, and squeaky.

At last he reaches a high point.

Now he can see everything. The blue caravan, back there. The ocean, over that way, and a stretch of flat water over there. That's where the stupid ducks are. He can see them spinning round in a circle, on the water. Head to tail.

Yuck, says Terence. What are they doing that for? They're RUBBISH parrots. I wish I had a real parrot. Or even Saint Roley.

How good would it be if Saint Roley flew overhead right now?

But he doesn't.

Saint Roley has reached the lighthouse at the tip of Kangaroo Island. He has landed. He has knocked on the door. Captain du Couedic has opened it and welcomed Saint Roley.

Come in, come in! You must join us for our holiday festivities! What's this? A chocolate bar?

Saint Roley follows him in. No, it's the thermometer Sweezus promised you. It needs washing.

So I see, says Captain du Couedic. Baudin is upstairs, drinking rum. Bring it!

They climb the stairs. 

Sit, says Captain du Couedic. Let me pour you a rum. Help yourself to the savouries. The toppings are pickled mussels, peeled sea urchins and crab. Oh, and those ones are lobster. Ha ha. A little Christmas indulgence.

So lobsters do sometimes eat other lobsters.

But only at Christmas.

That's good to know.

Good No Bad

 Your Polynesias don't look happy,  says Gaius.

Terence looks at his two duck-parrots.

I'm getting a present tomorrow, says Terence.

The two duck-parrots open their beaks to say something.

Two flies fly out.

You burped up FLIES! says Terence. How do you do that?

They snapped up the flies that were buzzing round the pastries, says Gaius.

They should have kept them in, says Terence.

We don't like flies, say the duck-parrots.

So why did you let them go? asks Terence.

It wasn't out of kindness, says one duck-parrot. 

Good, says Terence. No, bad.

Don't judge us, says the other duck-parrot.

I wasn't, says Terence. 

How is good-no-bad not judging? asks a duck parrot.

Because it's equal, says Terence.

He has thought this up quickly.

The duck-parrots don't buy it. They still don't look happy.

I imagine you two would like to find some fresh water and search for some plankton, says Gaius.

Yes we would, say the duck-parrots. 

What once seemed pedestrian now seems more appealing, adds one.

We do sometimes have adventures, says Gaius.

Let's have one right now! says Terence.

Why don't you all go in search of the nearest fresh water, says Gaius. I'll give you my phone, Terence, so if you get into trouble you can call Sweezus. How's that?

Yay! says Terence. Let's go boys!

We're not both boys, says one duck-parrot.

Let's go guys, says Terence.

She sighs. 

Off they go, regardless.

Gaius knocks on the door of the blue caravan, it opens, he goes inside, with the tray of defrosted pastries.

Promises

Reedy has raided the freezer.

He has brought out some frozen pastries, on a flat tray.

They look nice, says Louisa. What are they?

Bethmännchen and bienenstich, says Reedy.

He goes back inside the blue caravan.

Creak!

Terence watches the pastries sweat in the sun. 

This is the worst Christmas ever, says Terence.

It's not Christmas till tomorrow, says Louisa. I'll find you a present.

Yay! says Terence. 

We can't eat these, says Polynesia, looking at the pastries.

You certainly can't, says Gaius. Do you eat insects?

We do, says Polynesia.

Well, look closely, says Gaius. 

There are flies on the pastry.

That does it, says Louisa. I'm not eating those. Coming Terence?

Okay, says Terence. Coming, parrots?

Not yet, say both Polynesias, eying the flies.

Reedy comes out with two beers and a red drink in a tea cup.

This is for you, little guy, says Reedy. 

What is it? asks Terence.

Ribena, says Reedy. It's got Vitamin C.

Drink it, and then we're leaving, says Louisa. 

Already? says Reedy. The pastries aren't even defrosted.

Flies, says Louisa.

What flies? asks Reedy.

Ducks ate them, says Louisa.

Well then, says Reedy.

Louisa finishes her beer. Okay. Now I'm going back to my place to get ready for Christmas. 

See ya. says Reedy. 

I'm going too, says Terence. And my parrots.

They're ducks, says Reedy. Is that what you're having? Ha ha! Only kidding.

You can all come, says Louisa. 

She sticks her head round the wooden door, and peers into the caravan.

Arthur and Sweezus are drinking beer, and picking at frozen baked apples.

My place tomorrow, for Christmas dinner, says Louisa. 

Cool, says Sweezus. What time?

Lunch time, says Louisa. Don't be late.

She heads for her bike on the other side of the sand hills.

Hey! She forgot me, says Terence.

Never mind, says Gaius. 

The Polynesia duck-parrots wonder how this is a life of adventure.