It wasn't long before they were all back in the Kia Rio, heading for Mrs Hume's apartment with an enormous serve of fish and chips wrapped up in white paper.
Ouch it's hot! said Farky, who had offered to hold the fish and chips on his lap. Only, as he soon discovered, he did not have a lap.
Ouch ! Ouch! he cried.
Give it to me, said The VeloDrone. I don't know why you wanted to hold it in the first place.
So I could smell it! whined Farky pathetically.
We can all smell it, wherever it is, said Mrs Hume. This is a very small car.
Soon they were inside Mrs Hume's apartment, with the lights and the heater on, and the table set with four plates for the fish and chips.
Where's my plate? asked Farky.
On the floor in the kitchen, said Mrs Hume.
Mother, said Le Bon David. I must insist that you treat Farky as one of us. He is a member of Team Philosophe.
Alright, David, said his mother. But I must say it is against all reason.
Farky sat up to the table and began to wolf down his fish and chips. Sweezus did the same. Le Bon David and the VeloDrone waited for Mrs Hume to begin eating.
Why have I got so many chips? asked Mrs Hume. Has someone put some of theirs on my plate when I wasn't looking?
No mother, said Le Bon David. Why would anyone do that?
Would anyone like any bread? continued Mrs Hume, spearing a chip with her fork.
No! said Team Philosophe.
For a time, a chomping silence reigned.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
The Fish and Chip Shop at Last
Speaking of the Tardis, said Mrs Hume, squeezing into the passenger seat of the Kia Rio next to Le Bon David, did anyone see Doctor Who last week?
I did, said Sweezus, who was sitting in the back, squashed between Farky and The Velodrone.
Was it good? asked Mrs Hume. I missed it because my daughter and I went out to dinner and afterwards we went on to a birthday party at the Bowling Club.
Did you mother? said Le Bon David. The Bowling Club? Was it nice?
It was lovely, said Mrs Hume. It was all done up. All the young people were dancing. Do you enjoy dancing? she asked Sweezus.
No, said Sweezus, but I like watching Doctor Who.
Do you really? said Mrs Hume. What a coincidence. Now David, do you know the way to the Fish and Chip Shop?
Of course I do, mother, said David. Straight on until Brighton, then turn right and head towards the sea.
Good directions, sniggered Farky.
Ha ha! laughed The VeloDrone. We'll all end up in the sea!
Shut up, said Le Bon David. I need to concentrate on my driving. I'm not used to it.
Still riding your bicycle I suppose, said his mother. Have you done any proper philosophy lately David? He used to be such a brilliant philosopher, she added, turning round and glaring at The VeloDrone. Until he got mixed up with your magazine. David, I wish you would get rid of your bicycle and buy a car. Your sister has a big one.
Yes mother, said Le Bon David. I know.
A bit too big, added his mother. I could hardly climb up into it.
At last they pulled up at the Brighton Fish and Chip Cafe. It was night time and the stars were out. They piled out of the Kia Rio and stood for a moment looking at the gleaming black sea heaving and rolling under the Brighton Jetty. Then they went into the shop.
I did, said Sweezus, who was sitting in the back, squashed between Farky and The Velodrone.
Was it good? asked Mrs Hume. I missed it because my daughter and I went out to dinner and afterwards we went on to a birthday party at the Bowling Club.
Did you mother? said Le Bon David. The Bowling Club? Was it nice?
It was lovely, said Mrs Hume. It was all done up. All the young people were dancing. Do you enjoy dancing? she asked Sweezus.
No, said Sweezus, but I like watching Doctor Who.
Do you really? said Mrs Hume. What a coincidence. Now David, do you know the way to the Fish and Chip Shop?
Of course I do, mother, said David. Straight on until Brighton, then turn right and head towards the sea.
Good directions, sniggered Farky.
Ha ha! laughed The VeloDrone. We'll all end up in the sea!
Shut up, said Le Bon David. I need to concentrate on my driving. I'm not used to it.
Still riding your bicycle I suppose, said his mother. Have you done any proper philosophy lately David? He used to be such a brilliant philosopher, she added, turning round and glaring at The VeloDrone. Until he got mixed up with your magazine. David, I wish you would get rid of your bicycle and buy a car. Your sister has a big one.
Yes mother, said Le Bon David. I know.
A bit too big, added his mother. I could hardly climb up into it.
At last they pulled up at the Brighton Fish and Chip Cafe. It was night time and the stars were out. They piled out of the Kia Rio and stood for a moment looking at the gleaming black sea heaving and rolling under the Brighton Jetty. Then they went into the shop.
The Devout Calvinist
Excuse me Mrs Hume, said Farky. Did you just say What is this dog?
Oh Good Heavens! said Mrs Hume. He talks!
Indeed I do, said Farky. I am Farquhar MacTaggart, named for the Earl of Ross.
Not a real dog then, said Mrs Hume, losing interest. And who is this?
This is Sweezus, mother, said Le Bon David.
Sweezus, this is my mother, Mrs Katherine Hume, formerly of Ninewells in Berwickshire.
Good evening, Mrs Hume, said Sweezus politely.
What kind of a name is SWEEZUS? demanded Mrs Hume.
It's my Twitter name, said Sweezus. My real name is Jesus.
Yes, mother, said Le Bon David. I'm sorry, I should have introduced him properly. This young man is Jesus.
Jesus! cried Mrs Hume. I am a devout Calvinist, and I can assure you that this young man is not Jesus.
Mother! said Le Bon David, embarrassed.
Doesn't matter, said Sweezus. I prefer Sweezus.
And that's a silly name, said Mrs Hume.
Now now, said the VeloDrone. Welcome home, Mrs Hume. I believe we're all going to the Brighton Fish Cafe to get fish and chips. Let us start moving. May I carry your bag? And how was your trip?
Very nice, said Mrs Hume. I stayed with my daughter. We hired a cabin by a lake. It was a lovely cabin but there was nowhere to hang up our clothes.
Tut tut, said The VeloDrone, ushering Mrs Hume towards the Kia Rio.
O Lord, said Mrs Hume, when she saw the car. David! How are we all going to fit in that?
There's a lot more room in it than you think, mother, said Le Bon David. It's a bit like a Tardis.
I hope so, said Mrs Hume.
Oh Good Heavens! said Mrs Hume. He talks!
Indeed I do, said Farky. I am Farquhar MacTaggart, named for the Earl of Ross.
Not a real dog then, said Mrs Hume, losing interest. And who is this?
This is Sweezus, mother, said Le Bon David.
Sweezus, this is my mother, Mrs Katherine Hume, formerly of Ninewells in Berwickshire.
Good evening, Mrs Hume, said Sweezus politely.
What kind of a name is SWEEZUS? demanded Mrs Hume.
It's my Twitter name, said Sweezus. My real name is Jesus.
Yes, mother, said Le Bon David. I'm sorry, I should have introduced him properly. This young man is Jesus.
Jesus! cried Mrs Hume. I am a devout Calvinist, and I can assure you that this young man is not Jesus.
Mother! said Le Bon David, embarrassed.
Doesn't matter, said Sweezus. I prefer Sweezus.
And that's a silly name, said Mrs Hume.
Now now, said the VeloDrone. Welcome home, Mrs Hume. I believe we're all going to the Brighton Fish Cafe to get fish and chips. Let us start moving. May I carry your bag? And how was your trip?
Very nice, said Mrs Hume. I stayed with my daughter. We hired a cabin by a lake. It was a lovely cabin but there was nowhere to hang up our clothes.
Tut tut, said The VeloDrone, ushering Mrs Hume towards the Kia Rio.
O Lord, said Mrs Hume, when she saw the car. David! How are we all going to fit in that?
There's a lot more room in it than you think, mother, said Le Bon David. It's a bit like a Tardis.
I hope so, said Mrs Hume.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A Slight Delay
Fish and chips! shouted Farky, when they finally reached the bottom of the hill. And don't we deserve it!
Yes, well actually, said Le Bon David, there's just something we have to do first.
What's that? asked The VeloDrone.
We must go to the airport and pick up Mother, said Le Bon David. I promised I'd meet her when she flew in from the Gold Coast.
What! On our bicycles? What about her luggage? asked The VeloDrone.
Don't worry, I've hired a car, said Le Bon David.
They cycled to the car hire office and picked up Le Bon David's car. It was a white Kia Rio.
Bit small, muttered Sweezus. How are we all going to fit in?
Easily, said Le Bon David. Leave your bikes over there and pile in.
Why does she have to arrive at tea time? When are we going to eat? grumbled Farky, whose stomach was growling.
Soon, said Le Bon David, as he stepped on the gas.
They got to the airport in good time. Le Bon David's mother was just walking up the ramp into 'arrivals'.
Hello Mother! said Le Bon David. How was your holiday?
Never mind that, said his mother. Who are these PEOPLE!!? And what is this DOG!!?
Yes, well actually, said Le Bon David, there's just something we have to do first.
What's that? asked The VeloDrone.
We must go to the airport and pick up Mother, said Le Bon David. I promised I'd meet her when she flew in from the Gold Coast.
What! On our bicycles? What about her luggage? asked The VeloDrone.
Don't worry, I've hired a car, said Le Bon David.
They cycled to the car hire office and picked up Le Bon David's car. It was a white Kia Rio.
Bit small, muttered Sweezus. How are we all going to fit in?
Easily, said Le Bon David. Leave your bikes over there and pile in.
Why does she have to arrive at tea time? When are we going to eat? grumbled Farky, whose stomach was growling.
Soon, said Le Bon David, as he stepped on the gas.
They got to the airport in good time. Le Bon David's mother was just walking up the ramp into 'arrivals'.
Hello Mother! said Le Bon David. How was your holiday?
Never mind that, said his mother. Who are these PEOPLE!!? And what is this DOG!!?
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Fish and Chips
He knew where the others would go to practice. Old Mount Barker Road. Sweezus pedalled off in that direction.
Soon he came to a wide bend at the base of the climb. Farky, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were standing at the side of the road, deep in discussion. Sweezus stopped before they saw him and hid behind a tree to listen in.
Fish and chips, said Le Bon David. That's what we'll be having.
Good, said The VeloDrone. I like fish and chips.
Me too, said Farky.
Then you must come too, said Le Bon David.
Sweezus was intrigued. He was also a little annoyed. He had hoped to hear that Farky had been dropped from the team, due to his inability to ride a bike. But obviously Farky had already made it up to here.
Sweezus decide to go ahead with Plan Two. He wheeled his bike back a suitable distance, mounted it and started up the hill, riding past Team Philosophe at top speed.
Woohoo! said The VeloDrone. That's that young Sweezus fellow. Look at him go! Hey there! Sweezus! Stop a minute!
Sweezus stopped, and turned back.
Oh it's you, he said. What are you doing out here?
As if you didn't know, said Farky.
We're training for the Tour de France, said Le Bon David. Want to join our team? We call ourselves Team Philosophe.
Oh wow! said Sweezus. This is an honour! Thanks guys. Yes I will!
It's not that much of an honour, said The VeloDrone. But welcome on board. Right chaps, up the hill and down, and then it's fish and chips!
Soon he came to a wide bend at the base of the climb. Farky, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were standing at the side of the road, deep in discussion. Sweezus stopped before they saw him and hid behind a tree to listen in.
Fish and chips, said Le Bon David. That's what we'll be having.
Good, said The VeloDrone. I like fish and chips.
Me too, said Farky.
Then you must come too, said Le Bon David.
Sweezus was intrigued. He was also a little annoyed. He had hoped to hear that Farky had been dropped from the team, due to his inability to ride a bike. But obviously Farky had already made it up to here.
Sweezus decide to go ahead with Plan Two. He wheeled his bike back a suitable distance, mounted it and started up the hill, riding past Team Philosophe at top speed.
Woohoo! said The VeloDrone. That's that young Sweezus fellow. Look at him go! Hey there! Sweezus! Stop a minute!
Sweezus stopped, and turned back.
Oh it's you, he said. What are you doing out here?
As if you didn't know, said Farky.
We're training for the Tour de France, said Le Bon David. Want to join our team? We call ourselves Team Philosophe.
Oh wow! said Sweezus. This is an honour! Thanks guys. Yes I will!
It's not that much of an honour, said The VeloDrone. But welcome on board. Right chaps, up the hill and down, and then it's fish and chips!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The True Observer
Sweezus was unhappy. He didn't really have a plan to prove that he was tricky enough to be selected for Team Philosophe.
It's not fair, he thought. Farky can't even ride. What can I do to impress The VeloDrone?
Sweezus liked to think he was a methodical thinker. He made a list.
ONE: WRITE A KILLER ARTICLE FOR VELOSOPHY DEMONSTRATING SLIPPERY THINKING
TWO: IMPRESS THE VELODRONE BY RIDING FASTER THAN THE REST OF THE TEAM
THREE: PRETEND I HAVE CONTACTS IN THE TOUR DE FRANCE
Right! His first priority would be the killer article. He sighed. More writing. He sat down at his computer and began:
Concerning man, other animals and bicycles ( a working title )
I used to think that I knew right from wrong. That was until I met a dog called Farquhar. ( Maybe I should give him another name? This might not work in my favour. Oh stuff it.) One day I went to the Zoo with Farquhar.
I spent my time looking at the enclosed animals and trying to imagine what it would be like to be them. I thought it was the proper thing to do. Farquhar simply reacted naturally to what he saw. He was shocked by the skeleton of a former zoo favourite and terrified by the bats.
Imagine our different reactions had we seen a bicycle locked inside a cage. I would have tried to construct a narrative for the bicycle. That it was a monkey's toy, it had been abandoned, it used to belong to the elephant keeper, or something else to that effect.
Farquhar the true observer would have merely said, Meh! A bicycle.
Sheesh! said Sweezus, to himself. That's a bit too slippery. I've got myself into a right hole. Maybe I should go straight to Plan Two.
He stood up, and went outside to inflate the tyres on his road bike.
It's not fair, he thought. Farky can't even ride. What can I do to impress The VeloDrone?
Sweezus liked to think he was a methodical thinker. He made a list.
ONE: WRITE A KILLER ARTICLE FOR VELOSOPHY DEMONSTRATING SLIPPERY THINKING
TWO: IMPRESS THE VELODRONE BY RIDING FASTER THAN THE REST OF THE TEAM
THREE: PRETEND I HAVE CONTACTS IN THE TOUR DE FRANCE
Right! His first priority would be the killer article. He sighed. More writing. He sat down at his computer and began:
Concerning man, other animals and bicycles ( a working title )
I used to think that I knew right from wrong. That was until I met a dog called Farquhar. ( Maybe I should give him another name? This might not work in my favour. Oh stuff it.) One day I went to the Zoo with Farquhar.
I spent my time looking at the enclosed animals and trying to imagine what it would be like to be them. I thought it was the proper thing to do. Farquhar simply reacted naturally to what he saw. He was shocked by the skeleton of a former zoo favourite and terrified by the bats.
Imagine our different reactions had we seen a bicycle locked inside a cage. I would have tried to construct a narrative for the bicycle. That it was a monkey's toy, it had been abandoned, it used to belong to the elephant keeper, or something else to that effect.
Farquhar the true observer would have merely said, Meh! A bicycle.
Sheesh! said Sweezus, to himself. That's a bit too slippery. I've got myself into a right hole. Maybe I should go straight to Plan Two.
He stood up, and went outside to inflate the tyres on his road bike.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
How Nice Girls Win
The following afternoon, Sweezus popped his head around the door.
Hi! he said. Guess what! I got a B plus for my zoo assignment!
Well done , said Belle et Bonne.
I wouldn't have marked you that high, said Farky. And you know why.
Yeah, said Sweezus. I know. Lucky the markers aren't dogs. Hey, Belle, how did you and Marie like your presents?
They had a fight, said Farky.
What? said Sweezus.
No we didn't, said Belle et Bonne. It was just that one of the Panda hats needed a wash. It was encrusted with dog hairs and meat pie. We drew lots over it. Marie won.
So she got the clean one, said Sweezus.
No, she got the dirty one, said Belle et Bonne. I told you it wasn't a fight.
What nice girls you are, said Sweezus. Now, I suppose Farky and I'd better get on with our article for Velosophy.
Count me out, said Farky.
You said you'd help me, said Sweezus.
I can't now. I'm practising riding every afternoon with Le Bon David and The VeloDrone. I'm the new member of Team Philosophe.
Team Philosphe! said Sweezus. I always wanted to be a member of Team Philosophe.
You're not tricky enough, said Farky.
I could be, said Sweezus.
What does that mean? said Farky.
Wait and see, said Sweezus.
Hi! he said. Guess what! I got a B plus for my zoo assignment!
Well done , said Belle et Bonne.
I wouldn't have marked you that high, said Farky. And you know why.
Yeah, said Sweezus. I know. Lucky the markers aren't dogs. Hey, Belle, how did you and Marie like your presents?
They had a fight, said Farky.
What? said Sweezus.
No we didn't, said Belle et Bonne. It was just that one of the Panda hats needed a wash. It was encrusted with dog hairs and meat pie. We drew lots over it. Marie won.
So she got the clean one, said Sweezus.
No, she got the dirty one, said Belle et Bonne. I told you it wasn't a fight.
What nice girls you are, said Sweezus. Now, I suppose Farky and I'd better get on with our article for Velosophy.
Count me out, said Farky.
You said you'd help me, said Sweezus.
I can't now. I'm practising riding every afternoon with Le Bon David and The VeloDrone. I'm the new member of Team Philosophe.
Team Philosphe! said Sweezus. I always wanted to be a member of Team Philosophe.
You're not tricky enough, said Farky.
I could be, said Sweezus.
What does that mean? said Farky.
Wait and see, said Sweezus.
Contador's Dog
Have you ever tried to ride a bicycle, Farky? asked Belle et Bonne.
No, said Farky, but I used to travel in a bicycle basket when I was a puppy.
Would you like to learn to ride? asked The VeloDrone.
Dogs can't ride, said Farky.
Dogs can't talk, replied The VeloDrone.
True, said Farky. Yes, I would like to learn how to ride.
Good, said the VeloDrone. I'm looking for new team members for Team Philosophe. The Tour de France is coming up in July. Are you interested?
Am I! said Farky. Do you think there's enough time for me to get up to speed?
Yes, if you start coming out with David and me every afternoon, said The VeloDrone.
Yippee! said Farky. The Tour de France! I'll get to meet Alberto Contador's dog!
I didn't know he had a dog, said Belle et Bonne.
Google it, said Farky. I'll bet you he's got a dog.
Belle googled Contador's dog.
Well, well! she said. He does have a dog. A Weimaraner called Tour.
I knew it, said Farky.
Why do you want to meet Contador's dog? asked Belle et Bonne. Are you a fan of Contador?
No, said Farky, but if I befriend his dog, I may learn something that will give our team the advantage.
Very good, said The VeloDrone. I see you are made of the right stuff, Farquhar MacTaggart. This is looking very promising for Team Philosophe.
No, said Farky, but I used to travel in a bicycle basket when I was a puppy.
Would you like to learn to ride? asked The VeloDrone.
Dogs can't ride, said Farky.
Dogs can't talk, replied The VeloDrone.
True, said Farky. Yes, I would like to learn how to ride.
Good, said the VeloDrone. I'm looking for new team members for Team Philosophe. The Tour de France is coming up in July. Are you interested?
Am I! said Farky. Do you think there's enough time for me to get up to speed?
Yes, if you start coming out with David and me every afternoon, said The VeloDrone.
Yippee! said Farky. The Tour de France! I'll get to meet Alberto Contador's dog!
I didn't know he had a dog, said Belle et Bonne.
Google it, said Farky. I'll bet you he's got a dog.
Belle googled Contador's dog.
Well, well! she said. He does have a dog. A Weimaraner called Tour.
I knew it, said Farky.
Why do you want to meet Contador's dog? asked Belle et Bonne. Are you a fan of Contador?
No, said Farky, but if I befriend his dog, I may learn something that will give our team the advantage.
Very good, said The VeloDrone. I see you are made of the right stuff, Farquhar MacTaggart. This is looking very promising for Team Philosophe.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Thought Provoking
That evening Farky bounced into the Velosophy office, where The VeloDrone and Belle et Bonne were working late.
Farky! cried Belle et Bonne. You're back! How did you like the Zoo?
A mixed bag, sniffed Farky. But overall I think it did me good. I now understand more about happiness as it relates to my own species.
Good, said The VeloDrone. Where's that article you promised?
Problem, said Farky. I can't write. Perhaps I could dictate it to one of you.
Of course you can Farky, said Belle et Bonne. Fire away.
Farky began:
There are two kinds of dog. One has never been inside a Zoo. The other has. I am of the latter kind. I was happy before I entered the Zoo. At the Zoo I was forced into bad behaviour. I stole a hat, and later, a pie. Outside the Zoo I met Horatio. He was named after someone in CSI. He is the wrong colour. He will never see the inside of a Zoo. He understood that I was better than him. He didn't know about the hat, or the pie.
Where is this going? asked The VeloDrone. And I hope you haven't forgotten the bicycle.
What bicycle? said Farky.
There has to be a bicycle in it, said Belle et Bonne. Had you forgotten?
No, no, said Farky. I haven't finished:
This made me wonder about the nature of dog happiness. I had not liked the Zoo. I would have preferred to have ridden a bicycle around the outer perimeter. I would have begun at the entrance, cycled through the Botanic Park following the zoo walls, crossed the Hackney Bridge and returned via the Linear Park river trail. From there I might have heard the gibbons calling. Finally I would have returned to the entrance past the speaking posts that beg for money. Of course I would have felt no obligation to give the Zoo any money. However, as I cannot ride a bicycle, none of this is ever likely to happen.
That's brilliant Farky, said Belle et Bonne. So thought-provoking!
Not bad at all, said the Velodrone.
Thanks, said Farquhar MacTaggart.
Farky! cried Belle et Bonne. You're back! How did you like the Zoo?
A mixed bag, sniffed Farky. But overall I think it did me good. I now understand more about happiness as it relates to my own species.
Good, said The VeloDrone. Where's that article you promised?
Problem, said Farky. I can't write. Perhaps I could dictate it to one of you.
Of course you can Farky, said Belle et Bonne. Fire away.
Farky began:
There are two kinds of dog. One has never been inside a Zoo. The other has. I am of the latter kind. I was happy before I entered the Zoo. At the Zoo I was forced into bad behaviour. I stole a hat, and later, a pie. Outside the Zoo I met Horatio. He was named after someone in CSI. He is the wrong colour. He will never see the inside of a Zoo. He understood that I was better than him. He didn't know about the hat, or the pie.
Where is this going? asked The VeloDrone. And I hope you haven't forgotten the bicycle.
What bicycle? said Farky.
There has to be a bicycle in it, said Belle et Bonne. Had you forgotten?
No, no, said Farky. I haven't finished:
This made me wonder about the nature of dog happiness. I had not liked the Zoo. I would have preferred to have ridden a bicycle around the outer perimeter. I would have begun at the entrance, cycled through the Botanic Park following the zoo walls, crossed the Hackney Bridge and returned via the Linear Park river trail. From there I might have heard the gibbons calling. Finally I would have returned to the entrance past the speaking posts that beg for money. Of course I would have felt no obligation to give the Zoo any money. However, as I cannot ride a bicycle, none of this is ever likely to happen.
That's brilliant Farky, said Belle et Bonne. So thought-provoking!
Not bad at all, said the Velodrone.
Thanks, said Farquhar MacTaggart.
The Merlequin
Outside the Zoo they saw a man sitting on a seat, holding on to the biggest Great Dane they had ever seen.
Amazing dog! said Sweezus, walking up to the man. What kind is he?
He's a Merlequin, said the man. That means I can't show him. Wrong colour scheme. But he cost me heaps. The wife wanted him. Got to please the ladies.
Indeed, said Sweezus, fingering his Panda hats.
Ha! said Farky. Oh yes, got to please the ladies.
Woah! Your dog talks! said the man.
He's not my dog, said Sweezus. This is Farky. I mean Farquhar MacTaggart.
A fine name, said the man. And this is Horatio.
Hello Horatio, said Sweezus.
Horatio drooled as Sweezus tried to pat him. Farky looked disgusted.
I imagine he's named after Vice-Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson, said Sweezus. Or perhaps Captain Horatio Hornblower?
No, said the man, he's named after a character in CSI.
Farky looked pityingly at Horatio.
Ah, said Sweezus, who had never heard of CSI. Oh well, we have to get going. Nice meeting you. Goodbye Horatio!
He patted Horatio again.
Goodbye Horatio, mimicked Farky.
What's with you? asked Sweezus.
Nothing, said Farky.
Amazing dog! said Sweezus, walking up to the man. What kind is he?
He's a Merlequin, said the man. That means I can't show him. Wrong colour scheme. But he cost me heaps. The wife wanted him. Got to please the ladies.
Indeed, said Sweezus, fingering his Panda hats.
Ha! said Farky. Oh yes, got to please the ladies.
Woah! Your dog talks! said the man.
He's not my dog, said Sweezus. This is Farky. I mean Farquhar MacTaggart.
A fine name, said the man. And this is Horatio.
Hello Horatio, said Sweezus.
Horatio drooled as Sweezus tried to pat him. Farky looked disgusted.
I imagine he's named after Vice-Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson, said Sweezus. Or perhaps Captain Horatio Hornblower?
No, said the man, he's named after a character in CSI.
Farky looked pityingly at Horatio.
Ah, said Sweezus, who had never heard of CSI. Oh well, we have to get going. Nice meeting you. Goodbye Horatio!
He patted Horatio again.
Goodbye Horatio, mimicked Farky.
What's with you? asked Sweezus.
Nothing, said Farky.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Moral Dilemma
Sweezus went back to the Panda Shop.
Can I have a Panda Hat? he asked the woman at the counter.
Certainly, she replied. They haven't been selling very fast, she added. You can have this one for a dollar.
Thanks! said Sweezus, getting out his money.
On the way back to the Zoo entrance he began to wonder about the Panda Hat deal with Farky. Farky had stolen the hat. Now Farky wanted a dollar for it. But Sweezus had just paid a dollar for a Panda Hat in a perfectly legitimate transaction. He would have to speak to Farky.
Farky was waiting near the entrance.
Did you get one? he asked.
Yes, said Sweezus. I got it for half price. Now I have a moral dilemma.
What is it? asked Farky.
I promised to buy your Panda Hat for a dollar, said Sweezus. But you stole your Panda Hat. Why should I pay you a dollar for a stolen Panda Hat, when I can buy a Panda Hat for a dollar from the Panda Shop?
It was a moral dilemma before you were offered the discount, said Farky. Why didn't you think of it before? If it helps, I would claim that as a dog I can't be charged with stealing. I am currently attached to you. Therefore you are responsible for me and for the theft of the Panda Hat.
So I don't owe you a dollar then, said Sweezus.
Alright, no you don't, said Farky. Can we go now?
I owe someone a dollar, said Sweezus, looking worried.
Put it in the donation box, said Farky.
Farky, said Sweezus. I love you.
He dropped a dollar into the donation box.
Can I have a Panda Hat? he asked the woman at the counter.
Certainly, she replied. They haven't been selling very fast, she added. You can have this one for a dollar.
Thanks! said Sweezus, getting out his money.
On the way back to the Zoo entrance he began to wonder about the Panda Hat deal with Farky. Farky had stolen the hat. Now Farky wanted a dollar for it. But Sweezus had just paid a dollar for a Panda Hat in a perfectly legitimate transaction. He would have to speak to Farky.
Farky was waiting near the entrance.
Did you get one? he asked.
Yes, said Sweezus. I got it for half price. Now I have a moral dilemma.
What is it? asked Farky.
I promised to buy your Panda Hat for a dollar, said Sweezus. But you stole your Panda Hat. Why should I pay you a dollar for a stolen Panda Hat, when I can buy a Panda Hat for a dollar from the Panda Shop?
It was a moral dilemma before you were offered the discount, said Farky. Why didn't you think of it before? If it helps, I would claim that as a dog I can't be charged with stealing. I am currently attached to you. Therefore you are responsible for me and for the theft of the Panda Hat.
So I don't owe you a dollar then, said Sweezus.
Alright, no you don't, said Farky. Can we go now?
I owe someone a dollar, said Sweezus, looking worried.
Put it in the donation box, said Farky.
Farky, said Sweezus. I love you.
He dropped a dollar into the donation box.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Provenance
I just need to go into the Zoo Shop, said Sweezus. I want to buy presents for Marie and Belle et Bonne.
Presents! said Farky. They won't want tacky Zoo Shop presents.
It'll show I was thinking of them, said Sweezus. Are you coming in?
No, said Farky. There might be questions about the provenance of my Panda hat. I'll wait outside.
Alright, said Sweezus, going into the shop.
The Zoo Shop wasn't like the Panda Shop. The Panda Shop sold only Panda products. The Zoo Shop sold all sorts of furry zoo animal toys (except for Pandas), books, jigsaw puzzles, pencils and spoons. Sweezus picked up a toy zebra. It didn't have any eyes. He didn't think Marie or Belle et Bonne would like that.
Eventually, he left without purchasing anything.
Go back to the Panda Shop, suggested Farky. Buy them a Wang Wang and a Funi.
What! said Sweezus, I can't give one of them a Wang Wang and the other a Funi !
Yes, you can said Farky. They won't fight over toys. They're grown up women.
I don't know, said Sweezus. Women are funny about things like that. Who would get the Wang Wang?
Well, said Farky, slowly, buy them two Funis.
That would be wrong, said Sweezus. Everyone knows Wang Wang and Funi are a pair.
Okay, buy two Wang Wangs and two Funis, and give them each a pair, said Farky.
I'm not made of money, said Sweezus sadly.
I know what you can give them! said Farky. And it will only cost you two dollars. I mean three dollars, he added quickly.
What? asked Sweezus.
Buy another Panda Hat, said Farky. They only cost two dollars. And I'll let you have mine for a dollar.
A dollar? said Sweezus. Done!
Presents! said Farky. They won't want tacky Zoo Shop presents.
It'll show I was thinking of them, said Sweezus. Are you coming in?
No, said Farky. There might be questions about the provenance of my Panda hat. I'll wait outside.
Alright, said Sweezus, going into the shop.
The Zoo Shop wasn't like the Panda Shop. The Panda Shop sold only Panda products. The Zoo Shop sold all sorts of furry zoo animal toys (except for Pandas), books, jigsaw puzzles, pencils and spoons. Sweezus picked up a toy zebra. It didn't have any eyes. He didn't think Marie or Belle et Bonne would like that.
Eventually, he left without purchasing anything.
Go back to the Panda Shop, suggested Farky. Buy them a Wang Wang and a Funi.
What! said Sweezus, I can't give one of them a Wang Wang and the other a Funi !
Yes, you can said Farky. They won't fight over toys. They're grown up women.
I don't know, said Sweezus. Women are funny about things like that. Who would get the Wang Wang?
Well, said Farky, slowly, buy them two Funis.
That would be wrong, said Sweezus. Everyone knows Wang Wang and Funi are a pair.
Okay, buy two Wang Wangs and two Funis, and give them each a pair, said Farky.
I'm not made of money, said Sweezus sadly.
I know what you can give them! said Farky. And it will only cost you two dollars. I mean three dollars, he added quickly.
What? asked Sweezus.
Buy another Panda Hat, said Farky. They only cost two dollars. And I'll let you have mine for a dollar.
A dollar? said Sweezus. Done!
Water Works
It was nearly time to go home. Sweezus and Farky decided to make their way back to the entrance via the sea lion exhibit.
There were two sea lions, one sunning on the rocks and the other swimming in relentless circles at one end of the pool.
Why is it only using one half the pool? wondered Sweezus.
Why don't you invent a reason? replied Farky, squinting at the low afternoon sun.
No, said Sweezus. You wouldn't be impressed.
No I wouldn't, said Farky. Do you think it looks happy?
I'd have to see its face, said Sweezus.
They followed the zoo trail until they came to the orang-utan enclosure.
They joined some people at the viewing window overlooking the vast enclosure with its tall trees and giant rope trapeze.
There's one! shouted Farky. Look! She's coming over here!
The ginger-haired orang-utan made her way slowly and carefully towards the wooden platform directly in front of the viewing window. She hoisted herself up, sat with her bottom over the edge, and peed, for a very long time.
Hey! cried Farky. She's peeing!
Awesome! said Sweezus.
She'll be doing it deliberately, to show us what she thinks, said a woman to her friend.
Sweezus looked at Farky.
See? he said. It's not just me that does it.
Farky pulled his Panda hat down to cover his face.
What are you laughing at? asked Sweezus.
What you just said, spluttered Farky.
But Sweezus didn't get it.
There were two sea lions, one sunning on the rocks and the other swimming in relentless circles at one end of the pool.
Why is it only using one half the pool? wondered Sweezus.
Why don't you invent a reason? replied Farky, squinting at the low afternoon sun.
No, said Sweezus. You wouldn't be impressed.
No I wouldn't, said Farky. Do you think it looks happy?
I'd have to see its face, said Sweezus.
They followed the zoo trail until they came to the orang-utan enclosure.
They joined some people at the viewing window overlooking the vast enclosure with its tall trees and giant rope trapeze.
There's one! shouted Farky. Look! She's coming over here!
The ginger-haired orang-utan made her way slowly and carefully towards the wooden platform directly in front of the viewing window. She hoisted herself up, sat with her bottom over the edge, and peed, for a very long time.
Hey! cried Farky. She's peeing!
Awesome! said Sweezus.
She'll be doing it deliberately, to show us what she thinks, said a woman to her friend.
Sweezus looked at Farky.
See? he said. It's not just me that does it.
Farky pulled his Panda hat down to cover his face.
What are you laughing at? asked Sweezus.
What you just said, spluttered Farky.
But Sweezus didn't get it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Finer Points
I value your opinion, Farky, said Sweezus, but I feel that being a dog you don't appreciate the finer points of this particular piece of writing.
How so? asked Farky.
In this way, said Sweezus. I am a human, writing for humans. Humans usually enjoy it when another human uses an animal voice to make a point, especially if it has to do with animal rights or conservation.
That is no doubt true, agreed Farky. And I am not belittling your references to those issues. The point about the palm oil was well made. You may get good marks for your assignment for that reason. I merely object to your presumption that the Siamang are happy.
Meanwhile down below on the rocks beside the pond, the Siamang were listening.
Did you ear dat? said Siamang One.
No me not ear dat, me had de block ear, said Siamang Two.
Oooh you had de block ear? asked Siamang Three. Let me pick de wax.
Nooah! said Siamang Two. Tell me what de man said.
De man up der, he be sayin' somethin' about de Woop Woop.
Hoo Hoo! de Woop Woop! said Siamang Two. Why he say dat?
He be tellin' it to de dog in de Panda hat, said Siamang One.
Eeah! Dat some bad Panda hat. Let's up we now, said Siamang Three.
Aye, let's we up, agreed the other two.
And they swung themselves up into the tree.
They LOOK happy, said Sweezus, unhappily.
Perhaps they've learned to make the best of it, said Farky.
Now you're presuming, said Sweezus.
No I'm not, said Farky. It was just a proposition.
How so? asked Farky.
In this way, said Sweezus. I am a human, writing for humans. Humans usually enjoy it when another human uses an animal voice to make a point, especially if it has to do with animal rights or conservation.
That is no doubt true, agreed Farky. And I am not belittling your references to those issues. The point about the palm oil was well made. You may get good marks for your assignment for that reason. I merely object to your presumption that the Siamang are happy.
Meanwhile down below on the rocks beside the pond, the Siamang were listening.
Did you ear dat? said Siamang One.
No me not ear dat, me had de block ear, said Siamang Two.
Oooh you had de block ear? asked Siamang Three. Let me pick de wax.
Nooah! said Siamang Two. Tell me what de man said.
De man up der, he be sayin' somethin' about de Woop Woop.
Hoo Hoo! de Woop Woop! said Siamang Two. Why he say dat?
He be tellin' it to de dog in de Panda hat, said Siamang One.
Eeah! Dat some bad Panda hat. Let's up we now, said Siamang Three.
Aye, let's we up, agreed the other two.
And they swung themselves up into the tree.
They LOOK happy, said Sweezus, unhappily.
Perhaps they've learned to make the best of it, said Farky.
Now you're presuming, said Sweezus.
No I'm not, said Farky. It was just a proposition.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Woop Woop!
Happy, happy gibbons, said Farky, nostalgically.
They're actually called Siamang, said Sweezus. I've been reading their interpretive sign.
Have you written anything? asked Farky. I hope you're not forgetting your assignment.
Oh blast and damn! said Sweezus. My assignment! I was having such a good time I forgot all about it. All I've got is the piece on Pygmy Hippos! What shall I do?
Write about the Siamang, suggested Farky. Let's observe them for a while. Then you can knock something up.
They leaned over the railing of the wooden observation platform. Under a tall leafy tree was a pool and in the pool there were three flat rocks. On these rocks sat three Siamang, their long black hairy arms spread at right angles and their dark bodies reflected in the pool, which also reflected the topmost branches of the tree. Sweezus started writing furiously.
After a few minutes he waved his notes at Farky.
Inspiration! he cried. Read this, Farky!
Farky read:
We are the Siamang. Woop Woop!! We live in a cool zoo. We are happy in the zoo. We have a pool. We have tall leafy trees with branches we can swing through. We have babies. Woop Woop! We make Woop Woop noises. We sometimes encroach on each other's territories. But we are happy. We get food. No one here cuts down our trees to make palm oil. We will not become extinct. Woop Woop!
Farky looked at Sweezus.
What? said Sweezus. You don't like it?
Jesus, Sweezus! said Farky. You know what they call that don't you? That's full on anthropomorphism.
So it doesn't work, said Sweezus, disappointedly.
Stick to what you know, said Farky.
They're actually called Siamang, said Sweezus. I've been reading their interpretive sign.
Have you written anything? asked Farky. I hope you're not forgetting your assignment.
Oh blast and damn! said Sweezus. My assignment! I was having such a good time I forgot all about it. All I've got is the piece on Pygmy Hippos! What shall I do?
Write about the Siamang, suggested Farky. Let's observe them for a while. Then you can knock something up.
They leaned over the railing of the wooden observation platform. Under a tall leafy tree was a pool and in the pool there were three flat rocks. On these rocks sat three Siamang, their long black hairy arms spread at right angles and their dark bodies reflected in the pool, which also reflected the topmost branches of the tree. Sweezus started writing furiously.
After a few minutes he waved his notes at Farky.
Inspiration! he cried. Read this, Farky!
Farky read:
We are the Siamang. Woop Woop!! We live in a cool zoo. We are happy in the zoo. We have a pool. We have tall leafy trees with branches we can swing through. We have babies. Woop Woop! We make Woop Woop noises. We sometimes encroach on each other's territories. But we are happy. We get food. No one here cuts down our trees to make palm oil. We will not become extinct. Woop Woop!
Farky looked at Sweezus.
What? said Sweezus. You don't like it?
Jesus, Sweezus! said Farky. You know what they call that don't you? That's full on anthropomorphism.
So it doesn't work, said Sweezus, disappointedly.
Stick to what you know, said Farky.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Farky Made Strong
Sweezus was already standing under the tree of gibbons when Farky caught up with him.
Where've you been Farky? asked Sweezus. Look, this is an Immersion!
Huh huh huh! panted Farky.
Shush, said Sweezus. Look up there! Gibbons.
Huuurrh! sighed Farky.
What's the matter Farky? asked Sweezus.
A zoo is no place for dogs, said Farky. I was happy before I came here.
Where did you go? asked Sweezus.
The Nocturnal House, said Farky. I saw ghost bats, he added. I came over all funny and creepy and didn't know right from wrong.
I never go in there nowadays, said Sweezus, nodding sagely. I end up feeling the same. Never mind Farky. What doesn't kill you makes you strong.
Bollocks, said Farky, who was beginning to feel his old self again. I'm just saying, I know why they don't let dogs in.
Fair enough, said Sweezus. But look at these gibbons. Happy as pigs.
Farky looked up at the gibbons. They did look quite happy.
Where've you been Farky? asked Sweezus. Look, this is an Immersion!
Huh huh huh! panted Farky.
Shush, said Sweezus. Look up there! Gibbons.
Huuurrh! sighed Farky.
What's the matter Farky? asked Sweezus.
A zoo is no place for dogs, said Farky. I was happy before I came here.
Where did you go? asked Sweezus.
The Nocturnal House, said Farky. I saw ghost bats, he added. I came over all funny and creepy and didn't know right from wrong.
I never go in there nowadays, said Sweezus, nodding sagely. I end up feeling the same. Never mind Farky. What doesn't kill you makes you strong.
Bollocks, said Farky, who was beginning to feel his old self again. I'm just saying, I know why they don't let dogs in.
Fair enough, said Sweezus. But look at these gibbons. Happy as pigs.
Farky looked up at the gibbons. They did look quite happy.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Nocturnal Emission
Farky tiptoed down the gloomy curved passage and emerged into the heart of darkness that was the Nocturnal House.
He looked around. He could see nothing but a series of bluish glows, and ghostly lit-up branches. It was perfectly quiet.
I need a minute to adjust, he thought. He closed his eyes and began to sniff.
Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, he sniffed loudly.
Then he remembered the sign. Oh dear, said Farky, I forgot about the dear little Ghost Bat babies. Where are they I wonder?
He opened his eyes. Now he could see a bit better. He stood on his hind legs and looked over a railing into a dark bluish enclosure decorated with colourless branches that were dotted with slices of apple. But nothing alive.
He tried the next one. In one corner he saw a group of bilbies, nibbling apples.
Bilbies, he said. Someone's awake at least.
Next he walked over to a glass-fronted enclosure set into the wall. It too contained branches, and slices of apple were attached to the branches with pins.
A family of humans came in, while Farky was staring hard at the apple slices.
A little girl pushed past him and looked up into the murky heights of the next glass enclosure.
Here they are! she shouted.
Where? asked Farky.
Up there, said the girl.
Farky looked over and up.
He saw a furry mass of writhing bats hanging upside down from a pole.
He didn't know how he ought to feel towards the bats. They didn't look very nice. In fact, he thought, they looked rather disgusting. But if they were the parents for whose sake he was being especially quiet, shouldn't he be feeling more tender? And if they were the baby bats, what of that? Who knew what size baby bats were? This Zoo was a puzzle. It was a set of conundrums. It was a contradiction in terms. It was an ethical nightmare. IT WAS NO PLACE FOR DOGS!!!!
He turned tail and ran out of the Nocturnal House, to find Sweezus.
He looked around. He could see nothing but a series of bluish glows, and ghostly lit-up branches. It was perfectly quiet.
I need a minute to adjust, he thought. He closed his eyes and began to sniff.
Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, he sniffed loudly.
Then he remembered the sign. Oh dear, said Farky, I forgot about the dear little Ghost Bat babies. Where are they I wonder?
He opened his eyes. Now he could see a bit better. He stood on his hind legs and looked over a railing into a dark bluish enclosure decorated with colourless branches that were dotted with slices of apple. But nothing alive.
He tried the next one. In one corner he saw a group of bilbies, nibbling apples.
Bilbies, he said. Someone's awake at least.
Next he walked over to a glass-fronted enclosure set into the wall. It too contained branches, and slices of apple were attached to the branches with pins.
A family of humans came in, while Farky was staring hard at the apple slices.
A little girl pushed past him and looked up into the murky heights of the next glass enclosure.
Here they are! she shouted.
Where? asked Farky.
Up there, said the girl.
Farky looked over and up.
He saw a furry mass of writhing bats hanging upside down from a pole.
He didn't know how he ought to feel towards the bats. They didn't look very nice. In fact, he thought, they looked rather disgusting. But if they were the parents for whose sake he was being especially quiet, shouldn't he be feeling more tender? And if they were the baby bats, what of that? Who knew what size baby bats were? This Zoo was a puzzle. It was a set of conundrums. It was a contradiction in terms. It was an ethical nightmare. IT WAS NO PLACE FOR DOGS!!!!
He turned tail and ran out of the Nocturnal House, to find Sweezus.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Immersions
Farky stood outside the old Elephant House in his plastic Panda Hat, stricken with thoughts of mortality.
You need cheering up Farky, said Sweezus. This is a sad part of the zoo. I'm going to take you to an Immersion.
An Immersion! said Farky. His ears pricked up, setting his Panda Hat askew. What's that?
I read about Immersion while I was inside the elephant house, said Sweezus. It's when the Zoo tries to make you feel as though you're totally immersed in the animals' habitat. For example, you walk along a narrow jungle trail lined with tall bamboos and emerge onto a high wooden viewing platform right under a treeful of gibbons.
Gibbons! said Farky. Are they alive? he asked, suspiciously.
Of course they are, said Sweezus. Come on let's follow our map.
They passed the giraffe enclosure, which seemed too small for the two tall giraffes who lived there. A meerkat in an adjoining enclosure paced up and down on the concrete just inside the fence. A sun bear looked decidedly depressed. Sweezus hoped they would soon find an Immersion.
Farky had recovered from his existential moment. He was bounding ahead along the path sniffing at smells. When he reached the Nocturnal House, he stuck his head in. Near the entrance was a sign that said Shush! The Ghost Bats have just had babies. Please help them by being as quiet as possible. He tiptoed in.
You need cheering up Farky, said Sweezus. This is a sad part of the zoo. I'm going to take you to an Immersion.
An Immersion! said Farky. His ears pricked up, setting his Panda Hat askew. What's that?
I read about Immersion while I was inside the elephant house, said Sweezus. It's when the Zoo tries to make you feel as though you're totally immersed in the animals' habitat. For example, you walk along a narrow jungle trail lined with tall bamboos and emerge onto a high wooden viewing platform right under a treeful of gibbons.
Gibbons! said Farky. Are they alive? he asked, suspiciously.
Of course they are, said Sweezus. Come on let's follow our map.
They passed the giraffe enclosure, which seemed too small for the two tall giraffes who lived there. A meerkat in an adjoining enclosure paced up and down on the concrete just inside the fence. A sun bear looked decidedly depressed. Sweezus hoped they would soon find an Immersion.
Farky had recovered from his existential moment. He was bounding ahead along the path sniffing at smells. When he reached the Nocturnal House, he stuck his head in. Near the entrance was a sign that said Shush! The Ghost Bats have just had babies. Please help them by being as quiet as possible. He tiptoed in.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Horrible Circumstances
Sweezus had obtained a map of the Zoo from the ticket office.
Where would you like to go next? he asked Farky.
Farky looked at the map.
The Old Elephant House! he said.
They followed a path beside a stone wall until they came to the Elephant House. Sweezus stayed outside to read the interpretive signs. Farky went straight in.
Aarrggh! he cried, running straight out again.
Calm down, said Sweezus. What happened? Did you see an elephant?
No, said Farky, I saw a SKELETON!
Of an elephant? asked Sweezus, interestedly.
No, of a GIANT MONKEY! squawked Farky. Don't go in! It's horrible!
Sweezus went in.
After a while he came out.
Well? said Farky.
It's nothing to be scared of, said Sweezus. It's the skeleton of George the orang utan. I've just been reading all about him. He was a favourite at the Zoo from 1950 until 1976.
Then what? asked Farky.
Then he died, said Sweezus.
So they skinned him and put him on display? said Farky. That's no way to treat a favourite!
Actually, they sent him to the university, said Sweezus. For research purposes.
That's even worse! groaned Farky. So how did he end up back here?
After twenty years the university returned him, said Sweezus. I suppose by then they'd upgraded to a virtual computer-generated dead orang utan. That must have left the Zoo in a quandary. They already had a nice bronze statue of George, near his old cage. Now what should they do with the superfluous real George?
Display him in the Old Elephant House to show us animals how wicked people are! said Farky. And what happened to the old elephants, I'd like to know?
No, you wouldn't, said Sweezus.
Where would you like to go next? he asked Farky.
Farky looked at the map.
The Old Elephant House! he said.
They followed a path beside a stone wall until they came to the Elephant House. Sweezus stayed outside to read the interpretive signs. Farky went straight in.
Aarrggh! he cried, running straight out again.
Calm down, said Sweezus. What happened? Did you see an elephant?
No, said Farky, I saw a SKELETON!
Of an elephant? asked Sweezus, interestedly.
No, of a GIANT MONKEY! squawked Farky. Don't go in! It's horrible!
Sweezus went in.
After a while he came out.
Well? said Farky.
It's nothing to be scared of, said Sweezus. It's the skeleton of George the orang utan. I've just been reading all about him. He was a favourite at the Zoo from 1950 until 1976.
Then what? asked Farky.
Then he died, said Sweezus.
So they skinned him and put him on display? said Farky. That's no way to treat a favourite!
Actually, they sent him to the university, said Sweezus. For research purposes.
That's even worse! groaned Farky. So how did he end up back here?
After twenty years the university returned him, said Sweezus. I suppose by then they'd upgraded to a virtual computer-generated dead orang utan. That must have left the Zoo in a quandary. They already had a nice bronze statue of George, near his old cage. Now what should they do with the superfluous real George?
Display him in the Old Elephant House to show us animals how wicked people are! said Farky. And what happened to the old elephants, I'd like to know?
No, you wouldn't, said Sweezus.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
We Are Not Babies
Sweezus handed Farky an apple. He ran off with it, returning a few minutes later with a meat pie in a paper bag.
Where'd you get that? asked Sweezus.
Swapped the apple for it, said Farky.
What kind of person swaps a meat pie for an apple? asked Sweezus suspiciously.
An inattentive person, said Farky. That's who.
Beats me why you want a meat pie, said Sweezus. Seeing you've just demolished an exotic bird.
Joke! said Farky. I didn't really eat an exotic bird.
What about that greenish-purple feather? asked Sweezus.
A pigeon's, said Farky. And I didn't eat the pigeon either, in case you're wondering. I don't like pigeons and I don't like apples but I do like pies. You can always find something you like at the Zoo. Anyway, how were the Pygmy Hippos?
Awesome, said Sweezus. Here, read my notes and tell me what you think.
Farky read Sweezus' notes aloud:
The Pygmy Hippos are nocturnal but hey! guess what? they are out and about in the middle of the day. They look like baby hippos but they're not baby hippos. If you read the sign in front of their enclosure you will learn this interesting fact. We Are Not Babies, it says. Obviously a lot of people think they are babies which must be irritating. Under We Are Not Babies it says We Have a Blog. How cool is that? You wonder what they write in it. "Today at least ten people thought we were babies. Pooh to them!". The Pygmy Hippos look like fat little black puddings or liver sausages about to burst their skins. The skins are so tight that you can see the pink sweat breaking through in some places. The sweat has sunscreen in it.
Not bad! said Farky, impressed. I like the tone. But I see you haven't taken my advice about not trying to be funny.
What do you mean? said Sweezus. I wasn't trying to be funny.
Perhaps that's why you got away with it, said Farky.
Thanks, said Sweezus.
Where'd you get that? asked Sweezus.
Swapped the apple for it, said Farky.
What kind of person swaps a meat pie for an apple? asked Sweezus suspiciously.
An inattentive person, said Farky. That's who.
Beats me why you want a meat pie, said Sweezus. Seeing you've just demolished an exotic bird.
Joke! said Farky. I didn't really eat an exotic bird.
What about that greenish-purple feather? asked Sweezus.
A pigeon's, said Farky. And I didn't eat the pigeon either, in case you're wondering. I don't like pigeons and I don't like apples but I do like pies. You can always find something you like at the Zoo. Anyway, how were the Pygmy Hippos?
Awesome, said Sweezus. Here, read my notes and tell me what you think.
Farky read Sweezus' notes aloud:
The Pygmy Hippos are nocturnal but hey! guess what? they are out and about in the middle of the day. They look like baby hippos but they're not baby hippos. If you read the sign in front of their enclosure you will learn this interesting fact. We Are Not Babies, it says. Obviously a lot of people think they are babies which must be irritating. Under We Are Not Babies it says We Have a Blog. How cool is that? You wonder what they write in it. "Today at least ten people thought we were babies. Pooh to them!". The Pygmy Hippos look like fat little black puddings or liver sausages about to burst their skins. The skins are so tight that you can see the pink sweat breaking through in some places. The sweat has sunscreen in it.
Not bad! said Farky, impressed. I like the tone. But I see you haven't taken my advice about not trying to be funny.
What do you mean? said Sweezus. I wasn't trying to be funny.
Perhaps that's why you got away with it, said Farky.
Thanks, said Sweezus.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Hope Away
They returned to the Panda Enclosure. Sweezus began sketching and scribbling down notes. Someone took a photograph of Farky in his black and white plastic Panda Hat.
They think I'm a Panda, boasted Farky.
I bet they don't, said Sweezus. The rest of you is brown.
How's the assignment going? asked Farky.
Sweezus sighed.
I'm not sure whether to go for a simple descriptive narrative, or whether to introduce a bit of humour, he said. What do you think, Farky?
Don't try to be funny, said Farky. That's my advice. You don't have much sense of humour.
Don't I? said Sweezus, surprised. Oh well, thanks, Farky.
When's lunch? asked Farky. I'm starving.
I'm just going to see the Pygmy Hippos, said Sweezus. Then I'll meet you at the wooden tables. I have a couple of apples in my pocket we can share.
Ten minutes later Farky bounded up to the wooden table where Sweezus was waiting. Sweezus couldn't help noticing the end of a greenish-purple feather protruding from the corner of Farky's mouth.
I hope that's not an exotic bird you've been eating, he said, sternly.
Hope away, said Farky. Where's my apple?
They think I'm a Panda, boasted Farky.
I bet they don't, said Sweezus. The rest of you is brown.
How's the assignment going? asked Farky.
Sweezus sighed.
I'm not sure whether to go for a simple descriptive narrative, or whether to introduce a bit of humour, he said. What do you think, Farky?
Don't try to be funny, said Farky. That's my advice. You don't have much sense of humour.
Don't I? said Sweezus, surprised. Oh well, thanks, Farky.
When's lunch? asked Farky. I'm starving.
I'm just going to see the Pygmy Hippos, said Sweezus. Then I'll meet you at the wooden tables. I have a couple of apples in my pocket we can share.
Ten minutes later Farky bounded up to the wooden table where Sweezus was waiting. Sweezus couldn't help noticing the end of a greenish-purple feather protruding from the corner of Farky's mouth.
I hope that's not an exotic bird you've been eating, he said, sternly.
Hope away, said Farky. Where's my apple?
Monday, May 9, 2011
Panda Hat
They stopped at the new Panda Enclosure. At first they couldn't see any pandas. Then Wang Wang wandered out from behind a rock.
Oh look! said Farky. There's Wang Wang!
Oops, said Sweezus. I forgot to bring my notebook.
Never mind, said Farky, let's go over to the Panda Shop. They're sure to have souvenir notebooks.
I don't want a souvenir notebook, said Sweezus. It'll have pandas on the front.
Beggars can't be choosers, said Farky. Come on.
They went inside the Panda Shop. It was a wonderland of Panda products, from Boy and Girl Panda Dolls to Panda Beercan Holders, Panda Bookmarks, Panda Chocolates and Panda Hats.
Sweezus handed over the money for an expensive Panda Notebook.
Can I have a Panda Hat? asked Farky.
No, snapped Sweezus.
Farky made himself scarce. When Sweezus met him outside the shop he was wearing a Panda Hat.
You nicked that! said Sweezus, shocked.
I didn't think you'd care, said Farky. What's the difference between sneaking in under a fence and stealing a Panda hat?
I would only have considered sneaking in under the fence for you, said Sweezus.
The Panda Hat is for me, said Farky.
I sometimes forget you're a dog, said Sweezus.
Oh look! said Farky. There's Wang Wang!
Oops, said Sweezus. I forgot to bring my notebook.
Never mind, said Farky, let's go over to the Panda Shop. They're sure to have souvenir notebooks.
I don't want a souvenir notebook, said Sweezus. It'll have pandas on the front.
Beggars can't be choosers, said Farky. Come on.
They went inside the Panda Shop. It was a wonderland of Panda products, from Boy and Girl Panda Dolls to Panda Beercan Holders, Panda Bookmarks, Panda Chocolates and Panda Hats.
Sweezus handed over the money for an expensive Panda Notebook.
Can I have a Panda Hat? asked Farky.
No, snapped Sweezus.
Farky made himself scarce. When Sweezus met him outside the shop he was wearing a Panda Hat.
You nicked that! said Sweezus, shocked.
I didn't think you'd care, said Farky. What's the difference between sneaking in under a fence and stealing a Panda hat?
I would only have considered sneaking in under the fence for you, said Sweezus.
The Panda Hat is for me, said Farky.
I sometimes forget you're a dog, said Sweezus.
The New Sweezus
What! said Sweezus. Why can't Farky come into the Zoo?
He's an animal, said the ticket seller, who looked suspiciously like the young woman they'd seen earlier in the Jesus car.
Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? said Sweezus crossly. And anyway, he's not just an animal, he's my mentor. He's helping me with an assignment.
Oh is he? said the young woman ticket seller, who was inexplicably warming to Sweezus. Well, alright then, I'll turn a blind eye.
Juat as well, sweetheart, muttered Farky, as they walked through the turnstile.
What did you mean by that, Farky? asked Sweezus.
I would have gone round the back of her stinky old ticket office and bitten her ankles, said Farky, bullishly.
If you had, said Sweezus, we'd never have got in.
We would, said Farky. I know a way in under the fence by the river trail on the other side.
Why didn't you say so before? asked Sweezus. Do you know how much it cost to get in?
No, said Farky.
Thirty one dollars sixty, said Sweezus. We certainly won't be buying any lunch.
Oh misery, said Farky. But I'm surprised at you nevertheless.
Why? asked Sweezus.
For wishing you'd got in under the fence, said Farky.
There's a lot you don't know about the new me, said Sweezus.
He's an animal, said the ticket seller, who looked suspiciously like the young woman they'd seen earlier in the Jesus car.
Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? said Sweezus crossly. And anyway, he's not just an animal, he's my mentor. He's helping me with an assignment.
Oh is he? said the young woman ticket seller, who was inexplicably warming to Sweezus. Well, alright then, I'll turn a blind eye.
Juat as well, sweetheart, muttered Farky, as they walked through the turnstile.
What did you mean by that, Farky? asked Sweezus.
I would have gone round the back of her stinky old ticket office and bitten her ankles, said Farky, bullishly.
If you had, said Sweezus, we'd never have got in.
We would, said Farky. I know a way in under the fence by the river trail on the other side.
Why didn't you say so before? asked Sweezus. Do you know how much it cost to get in?
No, said Farky.
Thirty one dollars sixty, said Sweezus. We certainly won't be buying any lunch.
Oh misery, said Farky. But I'm surprised at you nevertheless.
Why? asked Sweezus.
For wishing you'd got in under the fence, said Farky.
There's a lot you don't know about the new me, said Sweezus.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Not Everyone is Loved by Dogs
Sweezus and Farky were walking to the zoo, beside a main road. A car went by, driven by a young woman. Across the top of the windscreen were the words JESUS LOVES YOU.
I hate that, said Sweezus.
Do you? said Farquhar. Why?
Because, said Sweezus, it implies I love everyone who looks at the windscreen, which I don't. In particular that young woman driving the car.
She's looking at it from behind, observed Farky.
Good, said Sweezus. I hope she realises what that means.
You're a hard man, said Farky, I think it's a very nice sentiment.
How would you like it if it said FARKY LOVES YOU? asked Sweezus.
I'd be astonished if it said that, said Farky.
Why? asked Sweezus.
Because nobody believes dogs love everyone, replied Farky.
Some people do, said Sweezus.
Well, I would like it if it was on the windscreen of a person who believed it, said Farky.
They walked on in silence for a while.
Are we there yet? asked Farky.
Yes, we are, said Sweezus, walking up to the Zoo ticket office. Good morning. Two please!
I'm sorry, you can't bring that dog in here, said the ticket seller.
I hate that, said Sweezus.
Do you? said Farquhar. Why?
Because, said Sweezus, it implies I love everyone who looks at the windscreen, which I don't. In particular that young woman driving the car.
She's looking at it from behind, observed Farky.
Good, said Sweezus. I hope she realises what that means.
You're a hard man, said Farky, I think it's a very nice sentiment.
How would you like it if it said FARKY LOVES YOU? asked Sweezus.
I'd be astonished if it said that, said Farky.
Why? asked Sweezus.
Because nobody believes dogs love everyone, replied Farky.
Some people do, said Sweezus.
Well, I would like it if it was on the windscreen of a person who believed it, said Farky.
They walked on in silence for a while.
Are we there yet? asked Farky.
Yes, we are, said Sweezus, walking up to the Zoo ticket office. Good morning. Two please!
I'm sorry, you can't bring that dog in here, said the ticket seller.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Sweezus and Farky
Just then Jesus popped his head around the door.
Hello everyone, said Jesus. Does anyone want to help me with an assignment?
What? A creative writing assignment? asked The VeloDrone. No thanks.
I'm really busy today, said Belle et Bonne.
Hello, I don't believe we've met, said Le Bon David.
It's Jesus, said Belle et Bonne. Jesus, meet Uncle David.
Hello, said Jesus. I've heard all about you.
And I've heard all about you, said Le Bon David. You're doing a creative writing course, and you're making a name for yourself on Twitter as Sweezus.
Jesus looked embarrassed.
No, no, said Le Bon David, don't be embarrassed. We all have to start somewhere.
What is your assignment, Sweezus?
I have to go to the Zoo, said Jesus, and write a story about the animals.
Woo hoo! said Farquhar, pricking up his ears. Animals! I'll go with you. I'll help you write your assignment. It'll be good practice for our collaboration.
Hum, said The VeloDrone. Our contributors don't usually need to practice.
Well, Sweezus does, said Farquhar. He is neither a philosopher, nor a writer.
Alright, said Sweezus. No need to rub it in. Coming Farky?
Yes! said Farky. Sweezus and Farky on assignment at the Zoo. See you later, everyone!
Hello everyone, said Jesus. Does anyone want to help me with an assignment?
What? A creative writing assignment? asked The VeloDrone. No thanks.
I'm really busy today, said Belle et Bonne.
Hello, I don't believe we've met, said Le Bon David.
It's Jesus, said Belle et Bonne. Jesus, meet Uncle David.
Hello, said Jesus. I've heard all about you.
And I've heard all about you, said Le Bon David. You're doing a creative writing course, and you're making a name for yourself on Twitter as Sweezus.
Jesus looked embarrassed.
No, no, said Le Bon David, don't be embarrassed. We all have to start somewhere.
What is your assignment, Sweezus?
I have to go to the Zoo, said Jesus, and write a story about the animals.
Woo hoo! said Farquhar, pricking up his ears. Animals! I'll go with you. I'll help you write your assignment. It'll be good practice for our collaboration.
Hum, said The VeloDrone. Our contributors don't usually need to practice.
Well, Sweezus does, said Farquhar. He is neither a philosopher, nor a writer.
Alright, said Sweezus. No need to rub it in. Coming Farky?
Yes! said Farky. Sweezus and Farky on assignment at the Zoo. See you later, everyone!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Creative Writing
So a more complex scenario would be what? asked Belle et Bonne.
A more complex scenario would be where someone recites Farquhar! Farquhar! or Here boy! Here boy! and I run away, replied Farquhar.
Your emotional response being? asked Le Bon David.
My emotional response being that I don't want to come, said Farquhar.
That's not an emotional response, said Belle et Bonne.
Yes it is, said Farquhar MacTaggart. If I really don't want to, it is. Take that day on the beach, when I wanted to attach myself to your friend Jesus. I responded negatively to the poem, by not coming.
Ah yes, said The VeloDrone. I was meaning to ask, seeing you wanted to attach yourself to Jesus, where is he?
He's busy during the day, said Farquhar. He's doing a course.
A course? said The VeloDrone. What course?
Creative Writing, replied Farquhar. At TAFE.
Waste of time, said The VeloDrone.
Yes, agreed Farquhar MacTaggart. But try telling him that.
A more complex scenario would be where someone recites Farquhar! Farquhar! or Here boy! Here boy! and I run away, replied Farquhar.
Your emotional response being? asked Le Bon David.
My emotional response being that I don't want to come, said Farquhar.
That's not an emotional response, said Belle et Bonne.
Yes it is, said Farquhar MacTaggart. If I really don't want to, it is. Take that day on the beach, when I wanted to attach myself to your friend Jesus. I responded negatively to the poem, by not coming.
Ah yes, said The VeloDrone. I was meaning to ask, seeing you wanted to attach yourself to Jesus, where is he?
He's busy during the day, said Farquhar. He's doing a course.
A course? said The VeloDrone. What course?
Creative Writing, replied Farquhar. At TAFE.
Waste of time, said The VeloDrone.
Yes, agreed Farquhar MacTaggart. But try telling him that.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Simplest Scenario
By taste, said Farquhar MacTaggart, chewing on a Meaty-Bite, I mean 'yum yum this tastes good', or 'yuk that tastes bad', or in the case of things which are rotten, 'yum yum, this tastes really amazing'.
I see, said Le Bon David. By taste, I mean the sorts of things one takes pleasure in for their own sake. Such as reading a wonderful and moving poem.
I am not averse to a good poem, said Farquhar, contemplatively. Farquhar! Farquhar! that's one of my favourites, and Here boy! Here boy! is another.
How do they go? asked Belle et Bonne.
That's them, there isn't any more, said Farquhar.
In what sense may they be considered poems? asked The VeloDrone, who had been listening with interest.
They rhyme, said Farquhar.
Poems should do more than that, observed Le Bon David. They ought to elicit some sort of emotional response.
They do, said Farquhar. When someone calls Farquhar! Farquhar! I leap and jump for joy, and then I run towards the person who recited the poem.
No you don't, said Belle et Bonne. I saw you that time on the beach. You ran away from your family.
I was only giving you the simplest scenario, said Farquhar.
I see, said Le Bon David. By taste, I mean the sorts of things one takes pleasure in for their own sake. Such as reading a wonderful and moving poem.
I am not averse to a good poem, said Farquhar, contemplatively. Farquhar! Farquhar! that's one of my favourites, and Here boy! Here boy! is another.
How do they go? asked Belle et Bonne.
That's them, there isn't any more, said Farquhar.
In what sense may they be considered poems? asked The VeloDrone, who had been listening with interest.
They rhyme, said Farquhar.
Poems should do more than that, observed Le Bon David. They ought to elicit some sort of emotional response.
They do, said Farquhar. When someone calls Farquhar! Farquhar! I leap and jump for joy, and then I run towards the person who recited the poem.
No you don't, said Belle et Bonne. I saw you that time on the beach. You ran away from your family.
I was only giving you the simplest scenario, said Farquhar.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Taste or Appetite
Just then, Le Bon David came into the office.
Good morning all, he said.
Seeing Farquhar MacTaggart, he opened his mouth to say something more.
Before you say anything, Uncle David, said Belle et Bonne, let me introduce you to Farquhar MacTaggart. He's writing a short article for Velosophy. Farquhar, this is David Hume, also known as Le Bon David. I call him Uncle David, although he's not my real uncle.
She does it to annoy me, said Le Bon David. But I do not mind.
David Hume, the famous Scottish philosopher? said Farquhar. Good morning Mr Hume. Pleased to meet you. I've long admired your essays on the subject of happiness.
Have you indeed? said Le Bon David, pleased. Do call me David. And I must say you have a very fine name for a dog. Are you named after the first Earl of Ross?
Aye, that I am, said Farquhar, in an unconvincing accent.
Well, well, and what is to be the subject of your article, besides bicycles of course? asked Le Bon David.
Happiness, as it relates to my species, said Farquhar MacTaggart. I should be interested to hear your views on the subject. I know you make a distinction between taste and appetite, for example. We dogs make no such distinction.
Indeed, said Le Bon David. I maintain a man will be made happier by what pleases his taste than by what gratifies his appetites.
I see, said Farquhar MacTaggart. Do you mean to say that the first bite is the sweetest?
No, I do not, said Le Bon David. Perhaps we should first set out what each of us means when we use the word taste.
I say, said Farquhar MacTaggart, I am having fun.
That's nice, said Belle et Bonne. Shall I get us some tea?
Yes please, said Farquhar MacTaggart. And do you have any snacks?
Good morning all, he said.
Seeing Farquhar MacTaggart, he opened his mouth to say something more.
Before you say anything, Uncle David, said Belle et Bonne, let me introduce you to Farquhar MacTaggart. He's writing a short article for Velosophy. Farquhar, this is David Hume, also known as Le Bon David. I call him Uncle David, although he's not my real uncle.
She does it to annoy me, said Le Bon David. But I do not mind.
David Hume, the famous Scottish philosopher? said Farquhar. Good morning Mr Hume. Pleased to meet you. I've long admired your essays on the subject of happiness.
Have you indeed? said Le Bon David, pleased. Do call me David. And I must say you have a very fine name for a dog. Are you named after the first Earl of Ross?
Aye, that I am, said Farquhar, in an unconvincing accent.
Well, well, and what is to be the subject of your article, besides bicycles of course? asked Le Bon David.
Happiness, as it relates to my species, said Farquhar MacTaggart. I should be interested to hear your views on the subject. I know you make a distinction between taste and appetite, for example. We dogs make no such distinction.
Indeed, said Le Bon David. I maintain a man will be made happier by what pleases his taste than by what gratifies his appetites.
I see, said Farquhar MacTaggart. Do you mean to say that the first bite is the sweetest?
No, I do not, said Le Bon David. Perhaps we should first set out what each of us means when we use the word taste.
I say, said Farquhar MacTaggart, I am having fun.
That's nice, said Belle et Bonne. Shall I get us some tea?
Yes please, said Farquhar MacTaggart. And do you have any snacks?
Monday, May 2, 2011
Doing Both
The VeloDrone entered the office early one morning to find Belle et Bonne already at her desk, a large brown dog at her feet.
Good morning my dear, said the VeloDrone. I see you have acquired a dog.
No, she hasn't, said the dog.
Good heavens, cried the VeloDrone. It talks!
You mustn't be rude papa, said Belle et Bonne. This is Farquhar MacTaggart. He has recently attached himself to a new friend of mine, who is busy during the day, so Farquhar is keeping me company.
Pleased to meet you Farquhar MacTaggart, said The VeloDrone, recollecting his manners. A fine name you have. Are you interested in philosophy?
I am, said Farquhar. It has long been my intention to write a treatise on happiness, as it is experienced by members of my species.
Fascinating, said The VeloDrone. You don't ride a bicycle by any chance, do you?
Look at me, said Farquhar. I'm a dog. Perhaps you would like to reframe the question.
Ummm, said the VeloDrone. Do you perhaps enjoy chasing after bicycles?
I do indeed, said Farquhar.
Wonderful, said The VeloDrone. Farquhar MacTaggart, may I invite you to write a short article for Velosophy?
I should be honoured, replied Farquhar.
But Farquhar, interrupted Belle et Bonne, you're supposed to be collaborating with Jesus on his.
Like I can't do both, said the dog.
Good morning my dear, said the VeloDrone. I see you have acquired a dog.
No, she hasn't, said the dog.
Good heavens, cried the VeloDrone. It talks!
You mustn't be rude papa, said Belle et Bonne. This is Farquhar MacTaggart. He has recently attached himself to a new friend of mine, who is busy during the day, so Farquhar is keeping me company.
Pleased to meet you Farquhar MacTaggart, said The VeloDrone, recollecting his manners. A fine name you have. Are you interested in philosophy?
I am, said Farquhar. It has long been my intention to write a treatise on happiness, as it is experienced by members of my species.
Fascinating, said The VeloDrone. You don't ride a bicycle by any chance, do you?
Look at me, said Farquhar. I'm a dog. Perhaps you would like to reframe the question.
Ummm, said the VeloDrone. Do you perhaps enjoy chasing after bicycles?
I do indeed, said Farquhar.
Wonderful, said The VeloDrone. Farquhar MacTaggart, may I invite you to write a short article for Velosophy?
I should be honoured, replied Farquhar.
But Farquhar, interrupted Belle et Bonne, you're supposed to be collaborating with Jesus on his.
Like I can't do both, said the dog.
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