Chaste Proximity

Xui Li and Hui Zhong lead the way down the mountain.

Sikong Shu is composing his poem.

Nearly got it, he says to Arthur.

That was quick, says Richie Porte. I haven't even started.

You'll do better after breakfast, says Xui Li over her shoulder.

Yeah, wild jujubes, says Richie Porte. Are they like....you know... lollies?

They are like dates, says Hui Zhong. You can eat them fresh or candied or dried. There are red ones and black ones. The black ones can be smoked, to bring out the flavour. We use them for juice, pickles, vinegar, and wine, which we call hong zao jiu. They are antifungal, antibacterial, anti inflammatory, sedative, healing and good for curing sore throats and coughs. Some even say they make teenagers fall in love.....

I never heard that one, says Sikong Shu. How does it work?

Himalayan boys wear sprigs of the wild jujube blossom in their hats, says Hui Zhong.

Sikong Shu can't see himself going that far. But he wonders ......how old is Arthur?

Will they remove glue from  fingers? says Arthur.

Ha ha, says Richie. What a question!

No, really, says Arthur. Gaius's fingers are stuck together.

Might work, says Xui Li. But nail polish is better. And WD40 is good.

They have now reached the foot of the mountain. Richie Porte unlocks the three bikes. The girls admire Richie's.

Wow! Bet that goes fast, says Hui Zhong.

Mmm, says Richie. He is being unusually reticent.

Tell us your poem, says Arthur to Sikong Shu.

Sikong Shu clears his throat. He could do with a jujube.

SLEEPING ON LINGSHAN MOUNTAIN (he begins)

At the foot of Lingshan Mountain
Near the stone path, linked by metal chains
Lie two Flying Pigeons

At the top of Lingshan Mountain
Protected from winds and damp grasses
We lie in chaste proximity

Mists rise outside our feeble tent
I cannot sleep for remembering
How once we fought with bamboo sticks.

That's good, says Arthur. Don't change it.

Sikong Shu looks pleased.

You left out my bike, says Richie. There are three bikes. I don't get it. And where's the philosophy?

I like it in parts, says Xui Li.

Me too, says Hui Zhong. I bet we both like the same parts.

We lie in chaste proximity, says Xui Li.

Snap! says Hui Zhing. I love that part.

But we don't like .....says Xui Li.

.....that you called our tent feeble, says Hui Zhong.

Poetic licence says Arthur. A transferred epithet.

What the fuck's that? says Richie Porte. I'll never get writing.
.

Wild Jujubes For Breakfast

They wake up early. It is cold on the mountain.

What's for breakfast? says Richie.

There is no breakfast here, says Xui Min. We must pack up and leave. We'll find food on the way.

Sikong Shu's phone rings. Ring ring!

It's Rosamunda.

Where ARE you? says Rosamunda. Is Arthur with you?

Mentougu, on Lingshan mountain, says Sikong Shu. And of course he's with me.

You stayed out all night on the mountain? says Rosamunda. You and Arthur?

We're coming down now, says Sikong Shu.

He doesn't see why he should tell Rosamunda everything.

It's just that me, Margaret and Professor Mee-man Chang are going to the Summer Temple this morning, says Rosamunda. We thought you might like to meet up.

We'd love to, says Sikong Shu, but we have other plans.

Let me speak to Arthur, says Rosamunda.

Sikong Shu hands Arthur the phone.

Arthur! says Rosamunda. You stayed out all night! On a mountain!

In a tent, says Arthur.

Whose tent? says Rosamunda.

Two ecologists, says Arthur.  And this morning we're going see floating domes and eat jujubes.

Oh! says Rosamunda. It's not like I'm jealous or anything, I'm going to the Summer Palace myself. With Professor Chang and Margaret. It will be so romantic. What kind of jujubes?

Wild jujubes, says Arthur. For breakfast.

You should really be here, says Rosamunda. Gaius is in a pickle, and you're his right hand man.

What pickle? says Arthur. Can't you help him?

His fingers are stuck together, says Rosamunda. Dr Zhu Min has tried everything. So has Margaret. And Lavender and Ouvert are fighting.........

Arthur has had enough. Click.

It was handy being on the phone though. The girls and Richie have packed up the tent.

Sikong Shu is looking troubled.

What's the matter? says Arthur.

My poem, says Sikong Shu. It'll have to be in English.

That will be a problem, says Arthur. I suppose Chinese is more evocative.

Totally, says Sikong Shu. More evocative. Multi-layered.

Come on, says Hui Zhong . No more lingering.

They set off down the path. Breathing the fresh mountain air.

The ecologists point out nasturtiums, lilies, wild leeks.

But no jujubes.

Transformation From Girls To Ecologists

It's cramped in the tent with five people trying to sleep like sardines.

Only Sikong Shu likes it. He is right behind Arthur. If he wanted, he could stretch out his arms.....

Best if he doesn't.

Arthur is restless. His knees start to itch. The girls are whispering.

Which one do you like?

The beautiful poet?

The sky pilot?

Richie is dead to the world.

Ring ring!

Sikong Shu stiffens.

That'll be Sweezus for him.

Hello, says Sikong Shu softly. Is that Sweezus?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Is that the Middle Tang poet guy?

Yes, says Sikong Shu. it's me, Sikong Shu.

Meant to ask you something, says Sweezus. Before Arthur took over.

Arthur is listening. Sweezus thinks he took over? It wasn't his fault his battery was flat.

I know you're probably busy, says Sweezus.

Not that busy, says Sikong Shu. Middle Tang was a long time ago.

Ha ha, good one, says Sweezus. How about writing an article for Velosophy? No pressure. It has to have philosophy in it. Some kind of.....you know....cool thinking. And at least one bicycle. Other than that, up to you.

Certainly, says Sikong Shu. Can it be in the form of a poem?

Awesome, says Sweezus.

Arthur reaches behind him. Grabs the phone.

Editor now are you? says Arthur.

Arthur, says Sweezus. You know me. Whatever sounds good. You still on top of a mountain?

Yes, says Arthur, in Mentougu, me and Richie and Sikong Shu and these two girls.

Brilliant, says Sweezus. Say hello to the girls for me.

Xui Li is awake.

These two girls? says Xui Li. That's dismissive.

Sweezus says hello, says Arthur.

Good for him, says Xui Li. Tell him we are not just two girls. We have names and careers.

Sorry, says Arthur. What are they?

We're ecologists, says Xui Li. We work in Mentougu Eco Valley. We are quite high up.

High up, says Arthur. In a valley.

Xui Li doesn't think that is funny.

Tomorrow, says Xui Li, Hui Zhong and I will take you on a tour of Mentougu. You will see many wonderful things. Roses, wild jujubes, white Beijing pears, an eco village and floating domes. Go to sleep now.

Arthur rolls over. Sikong Shu withdraws his arm. The wind whistles outside.

Night On Bare Mountain

It is beginning to get dark on the mountain. They should start going down.

Instead they are sitting on damp grass, thinking aloud.

Arthur Rimbaud: So he calls himself editor now.

Sikong Shu: Perhaps I should call him.

Richie Porte: Philosophy.......it can't be that hard.

Sikong Shu: Should I?

Arthur Rimbaud: No let him call you. I told you he's lazy.

Sikong Shu: That's why he won't call me.

Richie Porte: Philosophy, huh?

Arthur Rimbaud: No that's logic. But not very good logic. He's the editor. He needs contributions. And he's no good at writing himself.

Sikong Shu: I'll wait then.

Richie Porte: We don't have to wait here.

Arthur Rimbaud: I like it here.

Richie Porte: It's getting too cold.

Two girls who have been setting up their tent nearby come over. Their names are Hui Zhong and Xui Li.

Hui Zhong: Aren't you three cold?

Xui Li: Come into our tent and get warm.

Hui Zhong: We have bean curd and savoury jelly.

Sikong Shu: Yum yum.

They squeeze into the tent of the girls, and eat bean curd and savoury jelly.

It's warm in there, out of the wind.

Sikong Shu: Thanks for your kindness, young ladies. In return I will tell you a story. The story of how Slipping Away Hutong got its name. Do you know it?

Hui Zhong: No, we don't know it.

Arthur Rimbaud: I know it.

Sikong Shu: You don't. You were only half listening. You stopped and went into a bar.

Richie Porte: That was where you guys found me!

Xui Li: Wow! Were you lost?

Richie Porte: Yeah sort of. I lost my memory. Turns out I'm Richie Porte of Team Sky.

Hui Zhong: Team Sky? That's so pretty. Are you a pilot?

Richie Porte: No.

Sikong Shu: Do you want this story?

Xui Li: Yes we do.

Sikong Shu: Once in the time of the Ming dynasty there was a corrupt official, Yan Song. When he lost power he took his silver bowl and went begging for food from the people in the hutongs The people he used to oppress. Someone threw out a heap of sweet potato skins. Yan Song was so hungry he grabbed a handful and stuffed them into his mouth. Just then a courier passed by and recognised him. Yan Song was scared and slipped away. So the hutong got the name Slipping Away Hutong

Richie Porte: I like it. It's got philosophy in it.

Arthur Rimbaud: Is that it?

Sikong Shu: No, that's not the end of the story. So Yan Song went begging from the monks in the temple.Eventually one of them gave him a bowl of rice. An old monk remembered him. This is the rice you used to waste! said the monk, and drove Yan Song out of the temple. He went back to the  hutongs, but no one offered him food. He became faint with hunger and fell to the ground. The silver bowl rolled away. So the hutong became known as Silver Bowl Hutong.

Arthur Rimbaud: Why didn't he sell the silver bowl?

Hui Zhing: Hee hee!

Xui Li: That's too naughty.

Hui Zhing: Do you guys want to stay here all night?

What do you think?

Two Thousand Years And The Saviour

The doctors and professors are trying to get more out of Lavender.

How exactly did he sound? asks Dr Minchen Chow. Can you reproduce it?

ROOOL! says Lavender. No, that's not right. It was louder.

She thought he said ROLL, says Ouvert. So she pushed him. It was me said it sounded like ROOOOL!

It was not, says Lavender. And I didn't push him.

Could he have said ROLL? asks Professor Mee-mann Chang.

He could have said ANYTHING, says Lavender. He was a BULLY.

Did you push him? asks Dr Zhu Min. Because if you did, you are responsible for the breakage.

No, says Lavender. No!

Let us be logical, says Professor Lanpo Jia. If the Entelognathus said ROLL, then Lavender can't be held responsible for the breakage, since she was acceding to a request....

From a known bully, says Gaius.

Exactly, says Professor Lanpo Jia. But if he said ROOOL! then she pushed him for no reason.

That is, if she pushed him, says Dr Minchen Chow. We have not established the fact.

Ask him! says Ouvert. He's fixed now.

Indeed he is, says Gaius. All done. Ach! My fingers have stuck together!

Good job, says Dr Zhu Min. You can hardly see any of the joins.

Ask him! She's the bully! says Ouvert.

Shut up, Fish Face! says Lavender.

Gaius addresses the Entelognathus. Tell us what happened, he says.

Now the Entelognathus will attempt to utter the truth of the matter.

If it takes two thousand years.

...........

Meanwhile on top of the mountain in Mentougu, the three cyclists are awaiting a phone call.

It is cold and windy, but there is a spectacular view of more mountains.

They are on a flat area of grass. Other climbers have brought tents with them.

Flap flap. The wind flaps the sides of the tents that other climbers are putting up.

Arthur, Sikong Shu and Not-Richie huddle together to keep warm.

Ring Ring!

Sikong Shu answers the phone. Yes, it's Sweezus. What has he found out?

Hey, says Sweezus. I googled the results of the Tour of Beijing. Put me on to Richie.

Sikong Shu gives the phone to Not-Richie.

One hundred and thirty second! Did not finish Stage Four! yelps Not-Richie.

He collapses backwards onto the grass, still holding the phone, legs air-cycling

Yeah, yeah, says Not-Richie. Yeah. Okay yeah! You're right yeah.  Am I?  Mmmm. Yes. Do you? Really? Yes I would. Philosophy? You bet. Thanks mate, you're a saviour. Yeah take care, yeah you too.

He hands the phone back to Sikong Shu.

Geez, says Richie Porte. That guy is cool.

Arthur knows that, but what did he say?

He told me all this STUFF, says Richie. And he asked me to write something philosophical for this cool magazine that he's the editor of.

Aha, says Sikong Shu. I wonder if that was what he was going to ask me?

Probably, says Arthur. He's lazy that way.

Expressions Of Lateral Thinking

Gaius  is piecing together the Entelognathus with the help of a photograph.

Rosamunda is helpfully tipping the glue jar.

Could we keep that jar closed while it isn't in use, says Professor Mee-mann Chang.

Sorry, says Rosamunda. I suppose it's quite precious.

Not that, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. Its just that it's smelly.

It is also precious, says Gaius. Particularly as I don't have much left. Which way up do you think this bit goes?

Ask Lavender, says Dr Zhu Min. She was the last to have seen him.

Lavender, says Gaius. Do you recall his expression?

You bet I do, says Lavender. It was ROOOOOL!

That is not an expression I recognise, says Dr Zhu Min.

Wait, says Dr Minchen Chow. Perhaps Lavender does not refer to a facial expression.

Professor Lanpo Jia looks admiringly at his colleague. This is good lateral thinking.

You mean, says Profesor Lanpo Jia, that the Enteloganthus was speaking?

YES! says Lavender. Why don't you ask ME?

Oh my, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. This is a game-changer.

Just then Rosamunda's phone rings.

It is Sikong Shu.

Sikong Shu? says Rosamunda. Where are you?

On top of a mountain in Mentougu, says Sikong Shu. I'm with Arthur. He wants to ring Sweezus but his phone has gone flat. He says you've got the number.

On top of a mountain in Mentougu! says Rosamunda. I'm so jealous. Is there a fabulous view?

Yes, says Sikong Shu. But what's the number?

Why do you want to ring Sweezus from the top of a mountain? says Rosamunda. That's just weird.

The number, says Sikong Shu.

Rosamunda gives him the number, ends the call and stares at the glue pot morosely.

Cheer up Rosamunda, says Margaret. We'll visit some tourist attractions ourselves when this glue job is finished.

What a wonderful idea, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. I shall come with you.

...........

From the top of the mountain in Mentougu, Sikong Shu calls Sweezus, at Velosophy.

Velosophy office, says Sweezus.  This is Sweezus. How may I help you?

( Margaret would be pleased to hear that ).

Sweezus? says Sikong Shu. This is Sikong Shu.

The Middle Tang poet? says Sweezus. Freakin awesome! What's up?

You've heard of me ? says Sikong Shu.

Yeah, says Sweezus. I've got this Chinese poetry app.

Sikong Shu turns pink with pleasure. Arthur pokes him and points at Not-Richie.

Oh yes, well the reason I'm calling....... says Sikong Shu.

Do you ride a bicycle? says Sweezus. It'd be heaps cool if you ......

Arthur seizes the phone from the Middle Tang poet.

Sweezus! says Arthur. It's me Arthur! Don't talk. Just listen. I want you to find out what exactly happened to Richie Porte in the Tour of Beijing.

Where are you? says Sweezus. In Beijing? What's this about Richie?

He's with us here in Mentougu, says Arthur. We're on the top of a mountain, trying to jog his memory........

Richie Porte! says Sweezus. Awesomeness! Hey, it would be heaps cool if.......

Just do it, says Arthur. And get back to us ASAP. We're sitting here waiting.

No worries, says Sweezus.

He is glad to have something to do.

Scientists Before They Are Patriots

Dr Zhu Min rushes forward to pick up the pieces of Entelognathus.

Disaster! cries Dr Zhu Min. There goes the holotype!

Gaius steps forward, swinging his back pack off his shoulders and rummaging inside.

Superglue, says Gaius. That's what's needed.  I never go anywhere without it.

We have superglue, says Professor Lanpo Jia.

Not like this superglue, says Gaius, holding a glass jar aloft.

I think you will find your superglue will not measure up to our superglue, says Professor Mee-mann Chang.

That's where you are wrong, says Gaius. This is ancient Roman superglue. It lasts for two thousand years.

How can you know? says Dr Minchen Chow.

I know, says Gaius, because recently a Roman legionnnaire's helmet was found in Xanten on the Rhine, with silver laurel leaves stuck to the sides. The glue was still holding after two thousand years.

This is impressive. The doctors and professors are scientists before they are patriots. They come forward to look at the glue.

What's it made of? asks Doctor Minchen Chow.

Bitumen, bark pitch and beef tallow, says Gaius. And a secret ingredient, soot. Or is it sand? Or quartz? I can't quite remember. Anyway, it will repair the Entelognathus admirably. It will last another two thousand years.

Everyone agrees that two thousand years ought to satisfy anyone. It is a very long time.

Only the Entelognathus may not think so.

...........

Arthur, Sikong Shu and Not-Richie have eaten a quick lunch of fried pigs liver wrapped in Chinese small iris, and shredded mung bean skin salad, and are now on their way to Mentougu.

It is quite a long way, at the Western edge of Beijing, twelve kilometres out from the centre.

Remember it, Richie? says Arthur.

No, says Not-Richie. I don't. But you know, I've been trying......

That's a good sign, says Sikong Shu. Let's climb to the top of the mountain and look at the view.

They set down their bicycles.

We should lock them together, says Not-Richie. That way they won't get stolen.

Arthur thinks this is another good sign.

Sikong Shu locks the Team Sky bicycle and the Two Flying Pigeons together.

They begin to climb Mount Mentougu.

It is a stony path lined with stones. Up and up.

Stony.

I ...says Not-Richie. I thought..... for a moment....that I may have been here before.

They sit down at the top of Mount Mentougu.

I think we should call your friend Sweezus, says Sikong Shu.

Go on then, says Arthur.

What's his number? says Sikong Shu.

But Arthur's phone has a flat battery, and he doesn't know.

Mixing Memory And Desire

Entelognathus fixes Lavender with a stony faced glare and flexes his composite jaw.

See that, Lavender? says Ouvert.

Like I'm scared, says Lavender. Nothing will happen.

Crick!

The composite jaw opens a fraction. A four hundred million year old word tumbles out.

R-O-O-O-O-L!

Rool, says Ouvert. What does that mean?

Roll? says Lavender.

Why would rool mean roll? says Ouvert.  He can't think of a reason.

I think he means roll, says Lavender. He wants us to roll him.

The Entelognathus can't believe it. She can't be serious. That little nobody! As if she hasn't rolled him already.

ROOOOOOOOL! roars the Entelognathus.

There is an almighty crack, and the door of the lecture room opens.

In comes Gaius with the doctors and professors, refreshed after their morning tea.

They have been debating the significance of Lavender's story.

Not everyone is convinced it is true.

Oh my, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. We shouldn't have left them alone here. That was very remiss.
Now look what's happened.

The Entelognathus is on the floor of the lecture theatre in pieces.

His short ROOOOL is over.


..............

Arthur, Sikong Shu and Not-Richie Porte are riding along in the bike lane.

The Bird's Nest, says Arthur. The Tour of Beijing finished there. Remember?

Not-Richie shakes his head.

When you see it, says Sikong Shu, you'll remember.

The Bird's Nest comes into view. They ride on to the Olympic Plaza and look up at the Bird's Nest.

Wow, says Not-Richie. It looks like a Bird's Nest.

It does too, says Arthur.

You idiots, says Sikong Shu. It's an architectural wonder. The random-looking steel bird's nest outside hides the steel supports that held up the retractable roof that they later abandoned.

Why? says Arthur.

In case it fell in on the people, says Sikong Shu.

Not-Richie is looking depressed.

I don't think I've seen it before, says Not-Richie.

You have, says Arthur. You were the team leader.

How did I do? says Not-Richie.

We don't know, says Arthur. We've been in Qujing.

They get off their bicycles and sit down on the Plaza.

What's to be done?

We will find out the truth, says Sikong Shu. If I hear the truth in the morning, I am content to die in the evening. Confucius.

That's how I feel, says Not-Richie.

Confucius, says Arthur.

I know, says Not-Richie.

No you don't, says Arthur. But I have an idea.

He gets out his phone.

Damn. Flat battery.

What were you going to do? says Sikong Shu. I have a phone.

Call Sweezus, says Arthur. He knows Richie.

But I don't know him, says Not-Richie.

No, says Sikong Shu. I have a better idea. We'll ride to Mentougou. That's where you finished Stage Four. It's certain to jog your memory.

Yes, that's what we'll do.

Waking Sleeping Dragons

Arthur dismounts from his Flying Pigeon bicycle and enters the bar.

Sikong Shu waits outside with the bicycles.

It is dark inside the bar, in Slipping Away Hutong.

Arthur looks around. He thinks he is looking for Froomey.

But Froomey isn't there. Wasn't that his Team Sky bicycle, outside?

There is someone sitting in the corner, his head in his hands.

Arthur approaches the person, gives him a tap on the shoulder.

The person looks up.

Richie, says Arthur. Richie Porte!

Not Richie, replies Not-Richie, not looking up.

You are, says Arthur. We were both in the Tour. We did things together. Remember?

Nup, says Not-Richie Porte.

Come on, says Arthur. What's happened? Weren't you leading Team Sky in the Tour of Beijing?

No, says Not-Richie. I wasn't.

Arthur wants to punch him on the nose. He WAS.

Sikong Shu enters the bar, having locked up the bicycles.

Who is this? says Sikong Shu.

Richie Porte, says Arthur. That's his Team Sky racer outside. He's lost his memory.

Lost his memory, says Sikong Shu. Hello? Who are you?

Not-Richie Porte sighs. I'm Not-Richie.

We're going to look at the Birds Nest, says Sikong Shu. That ring a bell?

Birds Nest..... says Not-Richie. Birds Nest......yes it does.

Come with us, says Arthur.

All right, says Not-Richie. I will.

But don't ride too fast, says Arthur. We're on Flying Pigeons.

I never ride fast, says Not-Richie.

The three of them leave the bar, without even having a beer.

What can this be about? Funny things happen in China.

.......

And what has happened to Lavender? Where is Ouvert? Are they still on the bench in the same lecture theatre at the Institute of Paleontology and Paleoanthropology, next to the Entelognathus?

Yes.

They have waited for what seems like hours.

Hours and hours and hours, says Lavender. When is morning tea over?

Doop! says Ouvert.

Why don't you say something sensible, Fish Face? says Lavender. Stupid Entelognathus is smarter than you.

Lavender kicks Entelognathus, who rolls to the edge of the bench.

The Entelognathus has been a fossil for ages. It takes a lot to fire up his temper, but temper he has.

Lavender has accused him of some sort of Late Silurian form of sexual molestation. He can put up with that.

She has called him stupid. Even that he can tolerate, if she thinks he is smarter than Fish Face..

But now she has rolled him to the edge of the table.

And he might fall off.

Time to fight back.

In Slipping Away Hutong

Did you see that? says Dr Minchen Chow.

Green crocs! says Professor Lanpo Jia. In the Institute! Who do suppose it was?

I don't know, says Dr Minchen Chow. But the other pair of shoes looked like those of Dr Zhu Min.

Professor Lanpo Jia's eyes widen.

You don't mean.....? says Professor Lanpo Jia.

The honoured guest, says Dr Minchen Chow.

The green crocs and the shoes of Dr Zhu Min have now disappeared from the top of the stairwell. Professor Lanpo Jia and Dr Minchen Chow climb the remaining few stairs.

Look on the bright side, says Dr Minchen Chow.

What is that? says Professor Lanpo Jia.

We have had prior warning, says Dr Minchen Chow.

Indeed, says Professor Lanpo Jia.

.........

In the tea room Rosamunda is sniffling.

It's Arthur, says Rosamunda. I used to be this nice girl called Rosie. Carefree. Until he told me I was dangerous.

I'll give him dangerous, says Margaret. Wait till he comes back.

That's if he comes back, says Professor Mee-mann Chang.

Why wouldn't he? says Rosie.

Beijing traffic, says Professor Mee-mann Chang.

Arthur lives a charmed life, sniffs Rosie.

He does? says Professor Mee-mann Chang. Note to self: another worth-questioning person.

Doctor Zhu Min and Gaius enter the tea room.

At last! says Professor Mee-mann Chang. Where were you? The tea has gone cold.

She glances at Gaius, her eyes sliding down to his crocs, and up again.

This is Gaius Plinius Secundus, our honoured guest, says Dr Zhu Min.

And you must be Professor Mee-mann Chang, says Gaius. I'm delighted to meet the namesake of the sarcopterygian fish Meemannia, and the therapod dinosaur Sinovenator Changii.

Professor Mee-mann Chang is also delighted, and inclined to forgive him his footwear.

She proffers the very last plum.

.........

Hutongs are old alleys, lined with walled courtyards and shops. Their names are intriguing.

Skewed Tobacco Pouch Street, Goldfish Hutong, South Gong and Drum Lane, Coloured Glaze Factory Street, Slipping Away Hutong, Lingjing, Curtain Storehouse.

In Slipping Away Hutong, Arthur is pedalling slowly.

Sikong Shu is explaining the name.

Arthur is only half listening. He has seen a familiar bicycle, abandoned outside a bar.

It Is Not Always Advisable To Wear Crocs

Dr Minchen Chow and Professor Lanpo Jia are discussing finances.

I forgot to ask for a deposit, says Professor Lanpo Jia. Did you get one from Arthur?

No, no, says Dr Minchen Chow. But I negotiated a good daily rate. Twenty kuai.

Professor Lanpo Jia strikes himself on the forehead. He has not struck a rate.

It all happened so quickly, says Professor Lanpo Jia. Still, I suppose Sikong Shu will be good for it.

Oh yes, agrees Doctor Minchen Chow.  He will be good for it. Now let us go up to the tea room. If we are lucky the ladies will have left us a few preserved plums.

They begin the long climb up the stairs.

.........

Arthur and Sikong Shu are riding down Xizhimenwai Street away from the Institute.

I could have ridden behind you, says Sikong Shu. On the rear carrier.

I know, says Arthur. But this is better. We have a bike each.

It will cost more, says Sikong Shu. How much are you paying?

Nothing, says Arthur. I'll get out of it.

I don't see how you can do that, says Sikong Shu.

Don't be a prick, says Arthur.

Sikong Shu is silent. He would have liked to ride behind Arthur, his arms round his waist.....and Arthur has called him a prick. It is all going pear shaped already.

Cheer up, says Arthur. What's to see in Beijing?

The Birds Nest? says Sikong Shu sulkily.

Birds Nest it is, says Arthur.

I'll take you via the hutongs, says Sikong Shu.

Hutongs, says Arthur. What are hutongs?

You'll find out, says Sikong Shu.

..........

Gaius and Dr Zhu Min emerge from Dr Zhu Min's office.

Now, remember, says Dr Zhu Min. If anyone asks you, you found nothing.

I pride myself on being truthful, says Gaius.

I don't know how you can say that, says Dr Zhu Min.

Gaius is offended. What can Dr Zhu Min mean?

I mean, says Dr Zhu Min, that many statements you made in your Natural Histories are untrue.

There is a world of difference, says Gaius, between lying and getting it wrong.

That is certainly true, says Doctor Zhu Min. But if I remember correctly, you said it was Margaret who found all the specimens. So it would not be lying to say that you hadn't found anything. To say that you had would be getting it wrong.

I don't like this at all, says Gaius. You say you want me to..... and yet.....

One just has to be careful, says Dr Zhu Min. And another thing.... do you have alternative footwear?

Footwear! splutters Gaius.  These are Chinese crocs! I understood they were solely responsible for my so-called rehabilitation!

Unfortunately, circumstances....... begins Dr Zhu Min.

They are just passing the staircase when the ascending heads of Doctor Minchen Chow and Professor Lanpo Jia become level with the floor........

Riding On Flying Pigeons

Rosamunda and Margaret bite tentatively into their preserved plums.

Achh! says Rosamunda. Cough medicine!

Very nice, says Margaret, taking a large gulp of tea.

Good for the throat, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. And for mucous.

Ah, says Margaret. I thought so.

She places the remains of her preserved plum on the blue and white paper.

Rosamunda spit hers into her hand.

The niceties having been observed, the conversation turns scientific.

What are you currently working on, professor? asks Margaret.

I am working on cypriniformes, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. In particular, the catostomids and the cypronids, and their various transpacific distributions.

How fascinating! says Rosamunda. What actually are cypriniformes again?

Ancient sucker fish, says Professor Mee-Mann Chang, of the Eocene, the Miocene and the Pliocene....

Yes, says Margaret. I have heard of the enigmatic nature of the distribution of these fossils. They have been found in North America, the Japanese Islands and China, I believe.......This surely must have been caused by related geological events. I myself am a geologist......

Are you really? says Professor Mee-mann Chang. Then you will know......

She and Margaret are getting on swimmingly.

Rosamunda coughs in a theatrical manner. The cough becomes more of a choke.

Oh my! says Professor Mee-mann Chang. She whacks Rosamunda on the back. Are you all right my dear?
Take another plum......

She starts to unwrap one.

Rosamunda hurries to the window for fresh air. She looks down into the courtyard. There is Arthur, with a bicycle. And there is Sikong Shu. They look tiny.

And here comes another man, who looks like a doctor or professor, wheeling a second bicycle.

He presses it upon Sikong Shu.

Sikong Shu shakes his head. He tries to climb onto Arthur's rear carrier.

Arthur lets go of the handlebars. The bicycle tips over at an alarming angle, between the legs of Sikong Shu.

Sikong Shu staggers sideways.

Both he and the bicycle fall.

Another doctor or professor comes running. He picks up the bicycle, pushes Sikong Shu out of the way.

The other doctor or professor props his bicycle against the wall of the Institute building, and remonstrates with his colleague.

Arthur stands there, waiting.

Sikong Shu accepts the second bicycle graciously.

Everyone bows. ( Except Arthur )

The two poets ride away on Flying Pigeons.

The doctors ( or professors ) pat one another on the back, and vanish inside.

Removing The Wrappings From Plums

It is the following morning. Gaius, Margaret, Rosamunda and Sikong Shu have arrived in Beijing.

Doctor Zhu Min meets them at the airport.

Welcome to Beijing, says Doctor Zhu Min. Unfortunately it's a little hazy.

I've heard it's always like that, says Gaius.

Oh no, says Docter Zhu Min. And when it is, it's always from elsewhere.

I visited the Kuanti formation, says Gaius. I found some interesting specimens there.

Have you brought them? asks Doctor Zhu Min.

Margaret pinches Gaius hard on the forearm.

Sikong Shu steps on his toe.

Gaius looks at Rosamunda. What's going on here?

Not necessarily, says Rosamunda.

Doctor Zhu Min is happy with that.

.........

Behind the Institute of Vertebrate Paleontology and Paleoanthropology, Arthur is inspecting a bicycle.

It's a very reliable bicycle, says Dr Minchen Chow. I've had it since the 1950s.

I can see that, says Arthur. Looks like it weighs a ton.

Forty four kilos, says Dr Minchen Chow. Never lets me down.

One speed? says Arthur.

Yes, says Dr Minchen Chow. No need for any more. I imagine by now you have spotted that it's a Flying Pigeon?

Arthur has spotted that fact.

It means nothing to me, says Arthur.

Dr Minchen Chow is shocked.

Flying Pigeons are very popular, says Doctor Minchen Chow. And the older they are the better the quality. Mine is an old one. I must ask you to keep it locked up when you're not using it. It may well get stolen.

I don't know, says Arthur. I was thinking of something more modern.

I advise against something more modern, says Dr Minchen Chow.

...........

Gaius has arrived at the Institute, with his backpack not necessarily full of interesting specimens collected from the Kuanti Formation.

Doctor Zhu Min ushers him into his office. Locks the door.

Sikong Shu is free to show Margaret and Rosamunda around the building.

But his heart is not in it. Where is Arthur?

Instead they bump into Professor Mee-mann Chang. Naturally she knows who they are.

She invites them into the tea room, for pu'er tea, and preserved plums.

We were all looking forward to meeting your colleague, she says. Doctor Zhu Min seems to have spirited him away. So we must all be patient. Do try a plum.

Sikong Shu is standing near the window. He looks out. Is that... could it be... Arthur down there, inspecting a Flying Pigeon?

Excuse me a moment, he says. And rushes out of the tea room.

Time ticks on in the tea room.

Margaret and Rosamunda carefully remove the blue and white paper wrappings from the first of their black preserved plums.

True Science At Work

Consternation in the tea room! Who said that?

Arthur yanks Ouvert out of his pocket, and places him on the tea table, next to the lotus nut pastries.

The doctors and professors crowd round. What an interesting specimen. Two mouths.

And its presence has undermined Lavender.

Professor Mee-mann Chang raises an eyebrow at Lavender.

You didn't know? says Professor Mee-mann Chang. Your foreknowledge is selective?

He isn't important, says Lavender. But I know what he's going to do now.

An expectant hush falls. This is true science at work.

What is Ouvert going to do now?

Lavender must tell them quickly, before Ouvert does it.

Ouvert wants to hear what it is.

He'll just sit there, says Lavender, confidently. Until I say what it is. Then he'll do the opposite.

Ouvert looks up at Arthur.

This is tricky. What should he do now?

Arthur bends down to the tea table and whispers: Do the opposite.

Ouvert is puzzled: Of what?

Quickly, says Arthur. You're losing the moment.

Bleuuuh! cries Ouvert. I give up!

Everyone looks at Lavender. What does this mean for the progress of science?

He gives up, says Lavender. That means I won.

Science is not about winning, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. The question is : Did you know it?

Yes, says Lavender. I knew he'd give up. And I'll tell you something else that will happen.

What is that? says Professor Mee-mann Chang.

Doctors Minchen Chow and Lanpo Jia are eager to hear the secret.

So are Doctors Chung-chian Young and Wenzhong Pei.

Even Doctor Zhu Min wants to know what Lavender will say.

Wait for it, says Lavender.

They wait. But Lavender has finished. That's it.

They can't help admiring her answer. They are not paleontologists for nothing.

Few Vicars, But Windows Abound

Gaius pokes around in the yellow green siltstone of the Kuanti Formation, with Margaret's scraper.

Margaret follows him, with a notepad and pencil.

What is she writing?

Brachiopods, corals, gastropods, nautiloids, trilobites, conodonts, very abundant.

Yes, she is ticking them off.

Rosamunda perches on a limestone nodule, chatting to Sikong Shu about Arthur.

He thinks nothing of breaking a window, says Rosamunda. Or knifing a vicar.

Sikong Shu is glad that in Beijing there are very few vicars. On the other hand, windows abound.

Gaius would never hurt anyone, says Rosamunda. But he's so absent minded. He's lucky he's got me. Margaret's always so bitchy.

Mmm? says Sikong Shu. He is not listening. He thinks he will hire a bicycle, once he gets to Beijing.

..........

At the Institute of Vertebrate Paleontology and Paleoanthropology, morning tea is continuing.

Doctor Minchen Chow and Doctor Lanpo Jia are chatting to Arthur, about Middle Tang Chinese poetry.

I very much admire it, says Doctor Minchen Chow. In these hectic days it's a pleasure to read something pacific.

Ah yes, agrees Doctor Lanpo Jia. I recall these lines, from Wei Yingwu: Destiny is a boat on the waves, borne to and fro, against our will.

I heard that quoted just  recently, says Arthur. By Sikong Shu. I thought he'd made it up. I added a line.

That was bold, says Doctor Minchen Chow.

I am bold, says Arthur.

Do you like boating? asks Doctor Lanpo Jia. I have a small craft.

No, says Arthur. I like cycling. In fact I'm thinking of hiring a bicycle.

You can hire mine, says Doctor Minchen Chow. For a very small fee. Just remember to leave it dirty.

No need to remind me, says Arthur.

Doctor Zhu Min comes into the tea room.

Good news! says Doctor Zhu Min. Our honoured guest Gaius Plinius Secundus has been cleared of wrong thinking, and will arrive in Beijing tomorrow, along with his companions.

Pooh! says Lavender, who has been chatting to Professor Mee-mann Chang about prescience. That means Ouvert will be coming.

Pardon? says Professor Mee-mann Chang.

OUVERT! says Lavender. Stupid Fish face!

Ha Ha Lavender! I'm here already and you didn't KNOW! says a familiar voice, through the mish-mash of bandages, broken kebab sticks, gold coins and half pennies in the sticky side pocket of the shorts of Arthur Rimbaud, bold young poet.

The Truth Has Four Corners

Are there any more questions? says Doctor Zhu Min.

I have a question, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. The truth has four corners.

Yes? says Doctor Zhu Min.

We have heard one side of the story, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. It seems far-fetched.

The other doctors and professors look relieved. They would not have wished to say this. But Professor Mee-mann Chang is a woman.

I should like to ask the Entelognathus, continues Professor Mee-mann Chang. But of course that is impossible.

Lavender smirks, but she is so tiny, no one can see.

And so, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. I should like to address my question to the young man in the doorway, wearing orange shorts, and looking bored, like a poet.

Go ahead, says Doctor Zhu Min. But I should warn you. He IS a poet.

All the better, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. My question is this. Young man, do you believe it?

What? says Arthur. He has not been listening. He is thinking of ways to escape.

That Lavender can tell the future, says Professor Mee-mann Chang. It seems to me crucial.

The other doctors and professors start muttering. This was not what they had expected. But yes, in fact it does seem crucial, in a tangential way.

Yes, says Arthur. She fell off Gaius's knee on the plane and she said that she knew it would happen.

After the event? says Professor Mee-mann Chang.

How else does anyone know anything, except after the event? says Arthur. Until then, you can only expect it.

The doctors and professors are all thinking the same thing.

It feels like morning tea time. They adjourn for a break.

........

It is morning tea time too at the Kuanti Formation.

Gaius, Margaret and Rosamunda are munching on walnuts and boiled quail eggs, drinking cool jasmine tea.

What do you think of the Kuanti Formation? says Sikong Shu. Is it up to your expectations?

Wonderful says Gaius. I gather it is part of the Yangtze Platform and these are the lower redbeds. I should dearly like to have a bit of a scrape. What do you think?

Go ahead, says Sikong Shu. I won't interfere. You have recently risen in my estimation, and for that I am grateful.

I have? says Gaius. That is good news. What have I done?

You wear Crocs, made in China, says Sikong Shu.

Margaret hates them, says Gaius. But I find them comfortable and strong.

Does she? says Sikong Shu. Well the less said about that the better. It's what you think that counts.

I wish I'd brought mine, says Rosamunda.

Sikong Shu smiles.

Next stop Beijing.

To Find The Truth Go Backwards

Back at the Tongyue Gardens Hotel, later that afternoon, Margaret calls Sweezus.

Hiya, says Sweezus. Who is it?

It's Margaret, says Margaret. And  don't answer the phone like that. You work in an office, remember.

Margaret, says Sweezus What's up?

I want you to do me a favour, says Margaret. Find a copy of Gaius's Natural Histories and look up the index. Look up China. Let me know what he said.

Woah. He's in trouble, says Sweezus. All right, hang on.

Sweezus is back in a jiffy. Natural Histories is on the top shelf of the bookcase in the Velosophy office. He blows off the dust.

China, China, says Sweezus. Yeah, yeah, page 64. He doesn't like cotton. Roman ladies showing off diaphanous clothes in public. Uh? Oh yeah, cotton from China.

Anything else? says Margaret. That's tame.

Yep, page 68. He's ranting on about trade with China. In no other context is hatred of luxury more justified.....This is awesome.

It's not awesome, says Margaret. It's typical. I'm detecting a pattern. Is there anything else?

Mmm, page 167, says Sweezus. India, China and the Arabian peninsula take from our empire 100 million sesterces a year. This is what our ladies cost us... Wicked! Gaius on a Gaius-type roll!

Thank you, Sweezus, says Margaret You have been helpful. Click.

How's Arthur? says Sweezus, to no one. Margaret has ended the call.

International calls are expensive.

..........

Sikong Shu has been waiting.

Tomorrow, says Margaret, you will see a different Gaius, demonstrating correct attitudes. I promise.

Then, says Sikong Shu, I shall organise a trip to the Kuanti Formation for tomorrow. You, Gaius and Rosamunda will be permitted to enter. But not to do any scraping.

Margaret is shocked.

Not to do any scraping! She'll see about that!

.........

In Beijing, Lavender is the talk of the Institute of Vertebrate Paleontology and Paleoanthropology, Chinese Academy of Sciences.

The lecture room is full of doctors and professors, in tiers.

Lavender is on the front bench, with Doctor Zhu Min standing behind her. The fossil Entelognathus rests on a white table napkin, next to Lavender. Arthur lurks near the heavy blue doors.

Lavender is answering questions. Today any questions are permitted.

Dr Chung-Chien Young: Lavender, please tell us how you met the Entelognathus.

Lavender: We went on a blind date.

Dr Wenzhong Pei: When exactly was this?

Lavender: Four hundred million years ago.

Professor Lanpo Jia: That is close, but not perfect. Continue.

Lavender: He was a gentleman. Until it was time to say goodnight. Then he showed his true colours.

Dr Minchen Chow: His colours! What were they?

Lavender: He was a sex fiend!

Dr Minchen Chow: No, his colours. Have we a language problem here?

Lavender: I was young. I didn't know the future. He tried to KISS me! I punched him in the jawbone! Whack! It broke into several parts.

Dr Jukan Woo: Remarkable. That part is certainly true. His jawbone is segmented.

There is a smattering of applause.

The Ladder To Heaven

Next morning Arthur and Doctor Zhu Min are on a flight to Beijing, with Lavender between them

She does not know Ouvert is in Arthur's pocket. Nor does Doctor Zhu Min.

Even Arthur has somehow forgotten.

Lavender is excited.

When we get there, says Lavender, will there be lots of professors?

Yes, says Doctor Zhu Min. They will all want to examine you.

You mean talk to me, says Lavender. Not examine. I won't be examined.

Of course not, says Doctor Zhu Min.

He changes the subject.

Are you interested in cycling? he asks Arthur.

Yes, says Arthur. I was in the Tour de France, in Gaius's team. Why?

The Tour of Beijing is on, says Doctor Zhu Min. I can arrange for you to watch from a vantage point.

I'll make my own arrangements, says Arthur.

I see, says Doctor Zhu Min.

.......

Meanwhile, back in Qujing, Sikong Shu has arrived bright and early at the Tongyue Gardens Hotel.

He has ordered a cab.

Gaius, Margaret and Rosamunda pile in. They are dressed for a dig.

After twenty kilometres the cab comes to a halt.

This doesn't look like an ancient Silurian seabed, says Gaius.

It isn't, says Sikong Shu. It's the Tiansheng Cave. The Fairy Cave. Remember? Doctor Zhu Min....

Great Jupiter! says Gaius. Then why did you kick me under the table yesterday? I thought it was a signal.

It was a signal, says Siking Shu. To you to stop talking. It worked.

Fairy Cave, grumbles Gaius. Another time waster.

Stop it, Gaius, says Margaret. Just go with the flow. Confucius would no doubt advise it.

Rosamunda has gone on ahead to the entrance. Entry is 5 yuan. She waits for the others.

Sikong Shu pays.

The three levels of caves begin fifteen hundred metres underground. The first is a vast underground palace, thirty metres high. From there you climb up the Ladder to Heaven and emerge in a forest of stalactites.

Do you want to go to the third level? says Sikong Shu. The musical cave?

No, says Gaius. You know very well what I want.

Sikong Shu looks downcast.

Perhaps the ladies? he says

Yes, says Margaret. Take me up to the musical cave.

Rosamunda stays with Gaius, in the forest of stalactites, waiting.

It's your call, says Rosamunda. All you have to do is recant.

Recant what? says Gaius. If I knew.

Don't worry, let me fix it, says Rosamunda.

...........

In the musical cave are many tourists.

Sikong Shu sits down to dream.

Margaret whacks a few stalactites with her scraper. They produce different notes. Perhaps she could bang out a tune.

She attempts the Chinese National Anthem.

Sikong Shu is brought out of his reverie by the angry murmur of tourists.

Margaret pulls at his sleeve.

Time to go, says Margaret. Were you dreaming? Don't worry, you'll see him again. Let me fix it.

They retreat down the ladder as friends.

A Second Law Of Thermodynamics

These Bridge Crossing Noodles are hot! says Margaret.

Qing man yong, says Rosamunda.

Margaret looks sour.

What did she say? says Gaius.

Please eat slowly, says Arthur, remembering.

Most gratifying, says Doctor Zhu Min. Apart from our honoured guest Gaius, you all understand Mandarin.

Intriguing name, says Gaius. Bridge Crossing Noodles.

Allow me to explain, says Sikong Shu. A long time ago, on an island, a scholar was studying for his Imperial exams. Every day his wife crossed the bridge with his dinner. But it was a long way, and dinner would always be cold. So she came up with a clever solution.

Running? says Gaius.

No, says Sikong Shu. That is an unworthy remark. She placed broth in an earthenware pot and covered the broth with hot oil, before sealing the pot. She placed the noodles, vegetables and meat in another container. Then when she arrived on the island she added the food to the broth. And her husband enjoyed a hot dinner.

Hmmm, says Margaret. So much for the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

It's merely a legend, says Doctor Zhu Min. Now Arthur, I trust you will be ready to leave for Beijing in the morning?

I'm ready now, says Arthur. Everything I have's in my pockets.

Phone? says Rosamunda. You haven't ditched it?

No, says Arthur. Not yet.

Good, says Gaius. I shall be wanting to keep in touch.

You can keep in touch with me, says Doctor Zhu Min. It's not as though I am the enemy.

Indeed, says Gaius. But you must admit you have been uninformative and unhelpful.

We no longer re-educate people, says Doctor Zhu Min. They must come to the proper conclusions on their own.

About WHAT? explodes Gaius.

Think back, says Doctor Zhu Min. Meanwhile Sikong Shu will conduct you around a few more of the Qijong tourist attractions. The Fairy Caves for example, are nice.

All I want, says Gaius, is to visit the Kuanti Formation!

Sikong Shu kicks him under the table.

Gaius subsides, and sucks on a less than hot noodle.

Farewell Arthur, says Sikong Shu, rubbing the scab on his elbow. Destiny is a boat on the waves.

And also the waves, says Arthur.

Everyone thinks about that for a moment, including Arthur.

It's really quite good.

Sikong Shu takes out a notebook, and writes it down.

Bridge-Crossing Noodles.

On the bus back to Qujing, whispered conversations....

Sikong Shu: Do you think this is wise? To split up the party?

Doctor Zhu Min: Science must take priority. Lavender must go to Beijing.

Sikong Shu: But do you really want to take Arthur? He strikes me as dangerous.

Doctor Zhu Min: I suppose you would know.

.........

Gaius: But Margaret, you must see that some subtlety is required.

Margaret: Don't make me laugh.

Gaius: The thing is, I don't mind staying, if I can see the Kuanti Formation.

Margaret: Capitulation. And you're calling it subtlety.

Gaius: I see I shall not convince you. But there is a more pressing problem.

Margaret: What is it?

Gaius: Arthur has the scraper.

Margaret: Gaius, I have a scraper.

Gaius: Margaret. I could hug you.

Margaret: But  you won't.

.........

Rosamunda: It sucks, Arthur. You get to go to Beijing and you don't even want to. I'd love to go but I can't.

Arthur: I never do anything I don't want to.

Rosamunda: What about Sikong Shu?

Arthur: Neither does he.

.........

Ouvert: You're going to prison.

Lavender : I'm not going to prison. I'm going to Beijing.

Ouvert: Prison. For lying.

Lavender: The Institute. For being a wonder of science, and knowing the Entelog-thingummy.

Ouvert: You never DID.

Lavender: And for being spiritual. Like Arthur.

Ouvert: Arthur! Spiritual!  I could tell you.....

Lavender: La la la....

........

The bus arrives in Qujing.

It is time for dinner.

Doctor Zhu Min takes them out to a restaurant, for Steamed Pot Chicken, and Bridge-Crossing Noodles.

Cutworm Festival Followed By Bombshell

Arthur and Sikong Shu emerge from the forest, bleeding in various places.

What have you two been up to? says Doctor Zhu Min. Sikong Shu, you have neglected your duty. The rest of the party are missing.

Do you have any bandages? says Sikong Shu. I'm bleeding.

No, says Doctor Zhu Min.

I have, says Arthur, drawing bandages out of his pocket.

Clang! the cake server drops out.

What is that? asks Doctor Zhu Min.

Our scraper, says Arthur. The best I could do at short notice.

Call yourselves paleontologists! says Doctor Zhu Min. That's a cake server!

Arthur shrugs. He still thinks it will do.

.......


Gaius, Margaret and Rosamunda have met another group of tourists. They are Buyi, an ethnic minority.

The Buyi wear short buttoned-up jackets, trousers, and bright coloured scarves on their heads

The Buyi are giggling at Rosamunda, who has told them her hovercraft is full of eels.

Hee hee hee, laugh the Buyi.

Doctor Zhu Min rushes over, followed by Sikong Shu and Arthur.

What's this? says Doctor Zhu Min. Subversive laughter?

Not at all, says Gaius. Rosamunda was making a joke. But Margaret has been conversing with these people.

Yes, yes, says Doctor Zhu Min. They are Buyi. No doubt they have told you about their famous Cutworm Festival.

Have they? says Arthur.

Yes, says Rosamunda. On the third day of the third lunar month they remember the cutworms by spreading fried corn in the fields. Then they sing and blow leaves to make music. They walk in the river splashing each other with water. After that they hook up with someone congenial and disappear into the forest for adventures.

Sikong Shu looks up at the sky.

We must go, says Doctor Zhu Min. Please say your farewells to the Buyi.

What's next on the itinerary? says Gaius.

I must leave you, says Doctor Zhu Min. I'm taking Lavender back to Beijing. As she won't come without Arthur, he may come too. The rest of you must remain with Sikong Shu in Yunnan Province, until ...well... until you are sent for. Don't worry. It won't be too long.

He walks off in the direction of the bus stop.

Gaius! says Margaret. You're not going to put up with that?

Who Can Fathom The Depths Of Their Hearts?

Doctor Zhu Min thinks he knows how to deal with fossils.

You don't need to talk to me now, he tells Lavender. Let me show you the colourful sand sculptures.

He carries Lavender around in his hand, from sculpture to sculpture. Giant heads rising out of the landscape, with black beards, exotic hats. Reclining lovers, a snake.

What do you think? says Doctor Zhu Min.

I feel sorry for them, says Lavender.

Sorry? says Doctor Zhu Min. Because they're a tourist attraction?

No, says Lavender. It's more existential than that. I feel sorry for them because they've  been sculpted. I would hate to be sculpted.

Pardon? says Doctor Zhu Min.

Look at me, says Lavender. I'm a space.

You mean.... says Doctor Zhu Min.

Yes, says Lavender. You are wasting your time with Ouvert. He's just a pebble.

Ah, says Doctor Zhu Min. I understand. You are more spiritual.

Am I? says Lavender.

Certainly, says Doctor Zhu Min. And I should like to discuss these things with you further. Will you come back with me to Beijing?

If it's just me, says Lavender.

It is, says Doctor Zhu Min.

And Arthur, says Lavender quickly.

Yes, and Arthur, says Doctor Zhu Min.

............

Arthur is still in the forest with Sikong Shu. They have looked at the  Prospering Mushroom.

They have eaten all of the snacks.

Now they are playfully fighting with kebab sticks.

Soon they will snap the kebab sticks and go looking look for sticks that are longer and sharper.

The fight will turn deadly.

When they return to the others, Arthur's knees will be bleeding, and Sikong Shu will be scratched on the elbows.

Poets! Who can fathom the depths of their hearts?

Prospering Mushroom

ON THE BUS TO LULIANG:

Gaius: I wish you would tell me what it is I'm supposed to have said.

Doctor Zhu Min: All right. You said the Chinese were above average height, had golden hair, blue eyes and harsh voices.

Gaius: Is that all? I think you'll find that I was quoting someone else.

Doctor Zhu Min: And that makes it excusable?

Gaius: Not for them. However, it was a long time ago. I may write a sequel.

Doctor Zhu Min: There are other objections...

Gaius: Other misunderstandings.

Doctor Zhu Min: Perhaps.

........

WALKING THE TRAIL TO THE COLOURFUL SANDS FOREST:

Rosamunda: I hope this'll be worth it.

Arthur: I hope someone brought snacks.

Sikong Shu: I have brought snacks.

Margaret: Ooh! What have you brought?

Sikong Shu: Deep fried flour cakes, cloud ham, cow liver mushrooms, rice sausage with pig blood.

Lavender: Yerk!

Margaret: Lavender! Where did you pop up from?

Lavender: I was hiding from Doctor Zhu Min.

........

IN THE HEART OF THE COLOURFUL SANDS FOREST:

Gaius: Astonishing! What colours! When were they formed?

Doctor Zhu Min: In the Cenozoic Era, a result of the  tectonic movement of the Himalayas three hundred and forty million years ago. The mounds, pillars, caves,  peaks and beaches you see were formed from red, yellow, white, gray, indigo, blue and black layers of sand.

Margaret: And what wonderful sculptures! Look at that one! What is it?

Doctor Zhu Min: That one is 'Student Observing Imperial Scroll'.

Sikonhg Shu: My favourite sculpture is elsewhere.

Arthur: What is it?

Siking Shu: 'Prospering Mushroom'. Come with me. I'll show you.

Arthur and Sikong Shu disappear into the forest.

Ouvert ( in Arthur's pocket, and also disappearing ): Weee! Haha!

Lavender: Get lost Ouvert, and stay lost!

Doctor Zhu Min: You must be Lavender. Pleased to meet you.

Lavender:  Oops! Not pleased to meet you.

Gaius: Lavender has something to tell you, about the Entelognathus. She claims to have known him.

Doctor Zhu Min: You don't say?

Lavender: I do say. I might say. But not here.

You Are Under A Cloud

I hope I may visit the Kuanti formation, says Gaius. That is, if it is still here.

Of course it's still here, says Doctor Zhu Min. But there's no hurry. You promised to show me your pebbles.

Pardon? says Gaius. My pebbles ...oh, you mean Ouvert and Lavender? I don't think I know where they are.

Arthur takes Ouvert out of his pocket.

Poo! says Ouvert. It was getting too crowded in there!

 Doctor Zhu Min examines Ouvert from different angles.

Two mouths, says Doctor Zhu Min. One gaping, one grinning. That is highly significant. Were any teeth noted?

Teeth! squeaks Ouvert. Yes! Teeth noted!

He bites Doctor Zhu Min on the finger.

Doctor Zhu Min drops him onto the restaurant table.

Entelognathus had a lower jaw formed of multiple bones, but no teeth, observes Doctor Zhu Min.

Fascinating, says Gaius. I can't wait to see it. Though it seems that I must.

I apologise, says Doctor Zhu Min. May I speak frankly? You are under a cloud.

A cloud? says Gaius. What is it?

Some pronouncements in your Natural Histories were unfavourable to China, says Doctor Zhu Min. We need to be sure that you will not repeat them, before you arrive in Beijing.

I wrote my Natural Histories a long time ago, says Gaius. What is the problem exactly?

I think we'll leave it there for the time being, says Doctor Zhu Min. This afternoon Sikong Shu and I will take you to visit the Luliang Colourful Sands Forest, an AAAA tourist attraction.

Wonderful, says Margaret. I should love to go there. I do know something about it.......

Me too, says Rosamunda.

Tell us, Rosamunda, says Margaret.

It's a whole forest made of colourful sands, says Rosamunda. It's in Luliang. It's an AAAA tourist attraction....

Margaret can't believe Rosamunda will get away with this bit of rehashed information.

But Doctor Zhu Min and Sikong Shu nod approvingly, while Gaius looks proud of his young protegée.

And Arthur seems to think it is funny.

A Warning Given Late Is No Warning

There is no one to meet them at the station.

I understood Dr Zhu Min would be waiting, says Gaius.

It's too late, says Sikong Shu. He will see you in the morning. We must find your hotel.

That should be easy, says Gaius. It's the Tongyue Garden Hotel. Pink.

Sikong Shu calls a taxi. Soon they are at the hotel.

I'll call for you early in the morning, says Sikong Shu.

Wait, says Arthur. What was the warning?

A warning given late is no warning, says Sikong Shu, retreating into the night.

.............

The next morning Sikong Shu arrives bright and early.

Now to meet Dr Zhu Min, says Gaius.

Yes, says Sikong Shu. Later. First let me show you the town.

He takes them through the wide streets of the town beside the river. There are shops selling fresh fruit and vegetables. People in exotic costumes with donkeys. People in ordinary clothes carrying sun shades. Golden  marigolds and pink azaleas in pots.

What do you think, Gaius Secundus? says Sikong Shu. Now that you have seen the real China. Has your view changed at all?

No, says Gaius. I have always had a high opinion of China.

Sikong Shu nods his head but looks doubtful.

Rosamunda nudges Arthur.

Gaius may be in trouble, says Rosamunda.

Yes, says Arthur. Lucky he brought us along.

.......

At last they arrive at the restaurant where they are to meet Doctor Zhu Min.

Welcome to Qujing, Gaius Secundus, says Doctor Zhu Min. And welcome to your associates. I see you have brought one more than we agreed, but no matter.

Three more, says Sikong Shu. He has also brought two talking pebbles. A Fish Mouth and a Lavender.

A Fish Mouth! says Doctor Zhu Min. How appropriate. You must show him to me after lunch. I hope you all like yak kebabs. It is a local specialty.

Margaret's eyes light up. Yak kebabs. This is more like it.

They all sit down to eat.

Lunch takes quite a long time.

The yak kebabs are tender and tasty, threaded on sharp bamboo sticks.

Arthur puts two in his pocket.

Now it is time to drink beer.

Gaius is becoming impatient.

Well now, says Gaius Shall we get on? I should like to examine the entelognathus in this lifetime rather than the next.

Time enough for that, says Doctor Zhu Min. When we go to Beijing. If we go.

What do you mean! says Gaius. Are you telling me the fossil is not here, but three thousand miles away?

You didn't know? says Doctor Zhu Min. That is regrettable.

Pay Attention To The Woes Of The People

It's late in the evening. They are all on the train to Qujing.

Rosamunda stares out of the window.

What's out there? she asks Sikong Shu.

Sikong Shu pays no attention, being deep in conversation with Arthur.

The Pearl River, says Margaret. Terraced hillsides. Rice fields. Store houses. Farms.

I didn't ask you, says Rosamunda. Anyway how do you know?

Research, says Margaret. What you should have done.

Rosamunda decides to move seats. She sits down next to Gaius, who is shuffling his notes, with Lavender still perched on his knee.

Don't you wonder what's out there? says Rosamunda.

Yes, I do, says Gaius. What a pity it's dark. Shall we ask Sikong Shu what we're missing?

Actually, says Rosamunda, I know. It's the Pearl River, and on the far bank there are terraced hillsides, rice fields, store houses and farms.

How picturesque and delightful, says Gaius. What an asset you are, Rosamunda. If only Margaret could be relied upon to do as much research...

Rosamunda smiles, pats his leg.

Gaius is not used to such intimacy. He stiffens. Lavender falls off his knee.

Ow! I knew that would happen, says Lavender. Someone pick me up!

Rosamunda picks her up. Walks across to where the two poets are sitting.

Sikong Shu: I pay little attention to the woes of the people. I prefer beautiful landscapes, and the joys of deep friendship.

Arthur: And you're obsessed with white hair for some reason.

Sikong Shu: White hair is a signifier of wisdom and regret. I admire your hair. A young man's hair. Springy.

He touches Arthur's hair gently. It springs back.

Ouvert: What's a signifier?......Oooof! Arthur get off!

Rosamunda: Arthur, are you sitting on Ouvert?

Arthur: Yes. I am. Poetry requires suffering and pain.

Sikong Shu: That's how you work?

Arthur: Yes, sometimes.

Sikong Shu: I feel I must warn you of something.

Arthur: What is it?

But before he can issue the warning, the train pulls in to Qujing.

At Any Moment Life May Become Difficult

At last they arrive in Kunming. It is early evening. They have been met by a guide, Sikong Shu.

The name is familiar.

Are you named after the poet? says Arthur.

No, says Sikong Shu. That would be very bad form. I am in fact he.

I read your poem on the plane, says Arthur. The one where you visit your cousin. Yellow light on white head...

My white head, says Ouvert, from Arthur's pocket. Hello, I'm fish mouth. Weee! Pop!

Sikong Shu looks surprised. Who's in charge?

Margaret decides to take over.

Good evening, says Margaret. I understand you speak English. I am Margaret, I'm a geologist, this is Gaius, the well known natural historian, and this is Rosamunda Secunda, our junior ...er...assistant, and this young man in the orange shorts is Arthur Rimbaud, the poet. We have with us two small pebbles, Ouvert and Lavender, who may or may not make some contribution, but you need not bother about them.

Sikong Shu is delighted to meet Arthur Rimbaud, fellow poet. And so handsome.

He wonders if that was Ouvert in his pocket, the fish mouth, who said Weee! Pop! so amusingly. He would like to find out.

Then, he remembers his manners.

We'll have dinner, he says. Then catch the late train to Qujing. Doctor Zhu Min will be waiting.

He takes them to a restaurant, where they are served cucumber and lotus blossoms, shredded eggplant in chilli oil, rice noodles, pork and spring onions with ginger, sticky rice with coriander. Snow beer.

A wonderful dinner, says Gaius. If a trifle over-indulgent.

Sikong Shu looks stern.

It could easily have been less so, says Sikong Shu. Enjoy while you can. At any moment life may become difficult.

I am not here to be lectured, says Gaius.

Of course not, agrees Sikong Shu.

How old are you? says Rosamunda Secunda. If you wrote that poem, I'm guessing.... Tang Dynasty?

Amazing! says Sikong Shu. And correct.

Sikong Shu is chuffed.

What interesting people he has been chosen to guide to Qujing.

And he has not at this point met Lavender.

How Seductive Is China

It is the following morning. They are all on the plane.

Gaius is sitting next to Margaret, Lavender balanced on his knee.

Lavender is sulking, because Ouvert is included.

Gaius is reading his notes on the Kuanti Formation.

Margaret is dreaming of The Nine Dragon Waterfall, the Colourful Sands Forest and Rapeflowers.

Behind them, Rosamunda and Arthur, with Ouvert clenched in his fist.

Muh-uh-uh-uh, says Ouvert which is all he can manage.

Tell me again why he's here, says Rosamunda.

Ask Gaius, says Arthur.

No, says Rosamunda. He's reading. I wonder how this trip will go. Why are the Chinese so generous? I know Gaius is famous but....

You know what I think? says Arthur.

What? says Rosamunda.

You ask too many questions, says Arthur.

Jealous, says Rosamunda. That's  you.

Arthur takes a book out of his pocket. Opens it. Starts reading.

What's the book? says Rosamunda. Looks like Chinese poetry.

It is, says Arthur. When Lu Lun my cousin comes for the night.....

Read it to me, says Rosamunda.

Arthur reads:

With no other neighbour but the quiet night
Here I live in the same old cottage
And as raindrops brighten yellow leaves
The lamp illumines my white head.

Oo-oh, my white head! Ouvert squeaks.

Shut up, Ouvert, says Arthur. It's not finished.

Out of the world these many years
I am ashamed to receive you here
But you cannot come too often
More than brother, lifelong friend.

Everyone on the plane within earshot who is not Chinese falls into a reverie.

How seductive is China.

A Question Of Taxonomy

Arthur returns to Gaius's house, with two slices of cake in each pocket.

One by one, they come out of his pockets, wrapped in sheets of white copying paper. When completely unwrapped they are long, thin sticky slices, gently curved on the bottom, oozing black cherry jam.

Anyone would think, sniffs Margaret, that they had been served with a shoe horn.

Everyone laughs, and eats cake. Except Lavender. She is saying a triumphant goodbye to Ouvert and Baby Pierre.

What did Sweezus have to say? says Gaius, wiping cream and cherry jam from his mouth.

He's a muggins, says Arthur.

Arthur, says Rosamunda. That's Sweezus you're talking about. You forget, I'm a follower.

I'm surprised to hear that, says Margaret. A natural historian like you.

A Twitter follower, says Rosamunda.

Tch! says Margaret, crumpling her jammy cake copying paper roughly, and throwing it into the sink.

I didn't say he was a muggins, says Arthur. He said that he was a muggins. He said he has to do all the work, while we go off to China looking at tourist attractions......

Indeed! says Gaius. That may be his version. But he still has not completed that report on the Sepia Apama.

He's working on it, says Arthur. Just sorting out some details of taxonomy.....

Good, good, says Gaius. And now I suggest we all get an early night. We fly to Kunming in the morning.
Arthur, did you manage to obtain a scraper?

Yes, says Arthur, patting his pocket.

No need to show it right now. He knows what Margaret would say.

Good man, says Gaius, disappearing into the bedroom.

Margaret stares hard at the door.

........

Lavender is on the window sill talking to Ouvert and Baby Pierre.

Entelognathus is a FOSSIL, says Lavender. That's why I'm invited. You're not invited, Baby Pierre, because you're a pebble. And you too, Ouvert fish-mouth.

You're not a fossil! says Baby Pierre. You're an empty fossil-space airhead.

I didn't say I was a fossil, says Lavender. But I KNOW the fossil.

Like you KNOW the future, says Ouvert. Lavender! Did you call me fish-mouth?

I do know the future, says Lavender. And you're both not coming.

Fish-mouth.... says Ouvert. I'm coming.

The Five Chi Road

Sweezus is in the Velosophy office when Arthur arrives.

Arthur! says Sweezus.

Yes, me, says Arthur.

Me too, man, says Sweezus. Let me look at you. Hey. Big Ups to the shorts!

Artrhur grins. Fans out the legs of his shorts with both hands in his pockets.

We should go surfing, says Sweezus.

I'm going to China, says Arthur.

He still has his hands in his pockets. What's that down there? It's the shoe horn. It reminds him.....

Got a scraper? says Arthur.

A scraper? says Sweezus. This is an office, man. But yeah, I'll look in the drawer.

He looks in the drawer. Nup, says Sweezus. No scraper, but what about this?

He holds up a silver cake server, which Belle et Bonne uses for cakes.

Swap? says Arthur pulling out the shoe horn.

Sweezus looks doubtful.

A cake server would make a good scraper, but a shoe horn's no good to serve cakes.

Yet it's hard to deny Arthur anything. Look at him standing there. In those radical shorts.

Alright, says Sweezus. Done deal. Who says you don't live a charmed life?

Any cake left? enquires Arthur.

No, says Sweezus.

I don't live a charmed life then, says Arthur.

Yeah, but you're lucky, says Sweezus. You're going to China. I looked up where you're going. It's cool. The Pearl River, The Five Chi Road, The Nine Dragon Waterfall...... Awesome.

Why don't you come?, says Arthur.

Someone's got to stay here and work, says Sweezus. And it seems I'm the muggins. By the way, I called Gaius to give him a news flash, and he gave me a flea in my ear.

What was it? says Arthur. Something to do with the Twitcher?

Just tell him, says Sweezus, that work is ongoing as to the taxonomic status of the Sepia Apama. See what he says about that!

Alright, says Arthur. But I'll wait till we get to China. Or he might not go. I'd better head off now. Thanks for the....uh!

The door has just opened, and in has come Belle et Bonne with a glorious Black Forest Cheesecake.

All she needs is some people to eat it, a knife and a cake server...

Proving Arthur does live a charmed life.

This Gentleman Will Pay For Everything

Margaret draws Rosamunda Secunda aside.

Did I hear you correctly? says Margaret. Zheiwei xiansheng hui qingdan maidan?

Yes, says Rosamunda. It's the coolest Mandarin phrase on Omniglot. Except for the totally nutso one about the eels.

This gentleman will pay for everything, says Margaret slowly. Do I take it you mean Gaius?

Not necessarily, says Rosamunda, glancing at Arthur. Arthur has money too.

Are you suggesting, says Margaret, that we swan around Yunnan province saying Zheiwei xiansheng hui qingdan maidan?

Rosamunda wasn't. But she is now.

Yes, says Rosamunda. We can point at Arthur or at Gaius. Neither of them speaks Chinese.

This is all very well, says Margaret, and I am tempted.....

But? says Rosamunda.

It won't work here, says Margaret. Here everyone speaks English.What about the extra ticket?

Oh come on, Margaret, says Rosamunda. One little plane ticket. It's either that or..... you don't come at all.

Margaret can't help admiring the manipulative little minx.

Gaius, says Margaret. No need to fret. I shall pay for my own ticket.

Gaius fails to simulate the look of a man who has no further need of fretting.

His phone rings. It's Sweezus.

What is it? says Gaius crossly. I'm very busy.

A news flash, says Sweezus. About the Twitcher. Not him exactly. His species.

Not now, says Gaius. Oh dear, yes, what is it then?

Forget it man, says Sweezus, slamming down the phone.

Arthur, says Gaius. Call him back. I seem to have upset him.

I'll go and see him, says Arthur. And I'll get myself a scraper while I'm out.

He leaves, before anyone can stop him.

When do we leave for China? says Rosamunda Secunda.

Tomorrow, says Gaius. We fly to Kunming. Then on to Qujing. Once there, we find the Tongyue Garden Hotel which should be easy. It is painted bright pink. Then we call Professor Min Zhu, and arrange a meeting at the Institute of Vertebrate Paleontology and Paleoanthropology at the Chinese Academy of Sciences to discuss the Entelognathus.

How thrilling, says Rosamunda Secunda, going up to Gaius and kissing him on the cheek.

Why yes, how very thrilling....

And the gentlemen will pay for everything.

Independent Scientific Scrutiny

It's the next morning. Gaius is expecting Arthur and Rosamunda Secunda any minute now.

They're late. He looks out of the window, at the fence.

Margaret is giving Lavender a lecture.

Of course, says Margaret, the Entelognathus in not a placoderm as we know it. It's a missing link. Entelognathus, or Complete Jaw, shows almost perfect intermediate condition between the placoderm and modern bony fishes........ Pay attention Lavender! Perhaps you'd like to see a diagram?

Yes, says Lavender. Show me a picture.

Margaret gets out her tablet, and calls up a picture of the bony head of Entelognathus. It wears an evil grin.

As you see, says Margaret, his lower jaw is composed of a complex set of bones, unlike other placoderms.... Lavender, what's the matter?

That's HIM! says Lavender. I'd know him ANYWHERE! And I can tell you how he got that broken jaw.

Gaius! says Margaret. Did you hear that? This little monkey will disgrace us if we take her, and no doubt embarrass the Chinese.

Yes, says Gaius, but do you not think, Margaret, that any piece of scientific evidence ought to be subjected to independent scrutiny?

Margaret throws up her hands.

The doorbell rings. Gaius opens the door.

Gaius, says Arthur.

Arthur, says Gaius. And who is this lovely young lady? Could it be...?

Rosamunda Secunda, says Rosie. I've been so excited, knowing I was going to meet you. Ever since I became a natural historian you've been my role model, I.........ouch!

Arthur has stepped on her toe to shut her up.

Margaret is suspicious of this voluble young woman.

Natural historian, says Margaret. Where did you study?

Oh... says Rosamunda.... Edinburgh University. Yes, there. But Gaius has been my mentor. He is so knowledgeable about everything.....

Gaius beams.

Rosamunda thinks: Arthur's right, I am dangerous.

And you speak Mandarin, says Gaius. This has turned out to be extremely convenient.  I do hope you will come with me to Qujing, Rosamunda. And you, Arthur. I can't do without my right hand man. Do you still have that scraper?

No, says Arthur, but I can get one.

What about me? says Margaret. Gaius, the Chinese will only pay for two companions. And you have invited three.

Four, says Lavender.

I thought you had agreed to drop out, Margaret, says Gaius.

I am the only one who speaks proper Chinese, says Margaret.

Zheiwei xiansheng hui qingdan maidan, says Rosie.

Margaret is shocked.