How To Tell Someone Speaks English

The Miffy exhibition is a wonderland of colourful giant sized items.

Books, rabbits, cake, candles.

Woo! says Terence A giant cake! And giant candles! And what's that boy doing?

Go and see, says Belle.

Terence goes over to the boy who is pulling down hard on a rope.

Vind je het louk? says the boy.

Yes, says Terence.

Je bent net een kind, says the boy.

Yes, says Terence.

Terence thinks that the boy is offering to give him a turn, but he isn't.

Terence waits for his turn. How well Terence is behaving.

The boy keeps on pulling the rope

Two little girls come up.

Die is goed! says Lotte.

Ja, says Lieke.

Lotte looks at Terence.

Vind je het louk? asks Lotte.

No! says Terence.

Nee! giggles Lotte.

Terence grabs the rope from the boy, whose name is Liam.

Doei! says Liam, and runs away.

Terence yanks the rope as hard as his little cement arms will yank it.

Clong!

Down comes a giant cardboard Miffy, on top of the two little girls.

Bumhole! says Terence.

You speak English! says Lotte. Me too.

Me too, says Lieke. Mijn vader is English. Oh, I hope you won't get into trouble.

I won't, says Terence.

But you have broken the big Miffy, says Lieke. You should pull the rope gently. It makes her wave her arm. See?

Lieke pulls the rope.

But ( bumhole!) it doesn't work now.

Lieke and Lotte drag Terence over to the giant birthday cake, so he won't get into trouble.

It's Miffy's birthday, says Lotte. She's six.

Six O, says Terence. That means she's sixty. It's maths.

She's only a little girl rabbit, says Lieke. She's six.

She isn't, says Terence. How old do you think I am?

Six, says Lotte.

Four, says Lieke.

Wrong, says Terence. Two thousand and six.

Lotte and Lieke don't believe him.

Nor should we. Terence has forgotten that the Image is not the same as the Subject.

As with big Miffy, thank goodness.

Arne and Belle are standing nearby, observing.

Terence is getting on well with those two little Dutch girls, says Belle.

Yes, says Arne. That is pleasant. It's funny you know, Terence reminds me of someone.

A cherub? says Belle.

A sort of a cherub, says Arne. More like Baby-Jesus.

You got it! says Belle. That's what he is. My friend Sweezie found him in Barcelona. Terence fell off the Sagrada Famiglia, right in front of him.

Sweezie, says Arne. Do you mean Sweezus?

Yes, says Belle, But I call him Sweezie.

THE Sweezus? says Arne.

Yes, says Belle. Why? Is he famous over here?

Captain of Team Condor, says Arne. It's so cool, that you know him.

You can meet him, says Belle. I think he's arriving today.

Super, says Arne. I love the Tour de France. Everyone here is crazy for cycling.

As if to prove him correct, a bunch of young people in rabbit costumes scoot in and start singing: La Tour De France...la la la la......

All the children gather round and start clapping. Terence included.

Someone has picked up the Miffy, re-hung her, and mended the rope.

Die es goed!

Afterwards, if they want, they can go to the museum café to drink warme chocolademelk and eat Miffy bread rolls.

Dood Means Dood In This Country

Belle and Terence are on their way to meet Arne at the Centraal Museum.

Is he your boyfriend? asks Terence.

Just a friend, says Belle. And DON'T say anything embarrassing.

Don't YOU, says Terence.

.....

Back at Corny's, Vello is on the phone to the Tour de France Organisers.

VELLO! he says. Of Team Philosophe. I'm the CAPTAIN! And I'm telling you, I'm alive!

It seems that the person on the other end is an idiot.

You are an IDIOT! cries Vello.

Vello has turned a deep shade of rode kool (red cabbage).

Calm down, old chap, says David. Let me talk to them.

David Hume, says David, reasonably. Of Team Philosophe. There's been a misunderstanding. Vello is very much alive. No need at all for Team Philosophe to be disqualified.

There you have it. We can all agree that sounds perfectly reasonable.

But not the person on the other end, who persists in being an IDIOT!

What? says David. Our fault? Let me speak to your superior. What? Did you say have a nice day?

See! screeches Vello. Idiots! We shall have to go there in person.

Yes, agrees David, but we should wait for Gaius. He'll be turning up soon.

Indeed. Gaius is turning up right at this moment. Here he is coming up the path. Wrong bicycle, looking dejected.

He knocks on Corny's front door.

Ja? says Corny. You must be Gaius. Hallo en welcom!

Gaius! says David. You have arrived in the middle of a muddle.

You're telling me, says Gaius. How to explain it! The packer had specific instructions.

What? says Vello. Oh hello Gaius. Do I look dead to you?

Not at all Vello, says Gaius. You look positively choleric.

Wonderful! says Vello. Choleric!

He has been declared dood, says Corny. It is unfortunate, but dood means dood in this country.

Gaius ploughs on, trying to explain his dilemma.

Yes, says Gaius. The young men in my team, Team Condor, are dudes. Young and reckless. That is the problem. This bicycle is only good for touring.

What? says Vello. Touring? Do you understand the gravity of our situation? I have been disqualified, due to being DEFUNCT!

At last Gaius gets it.

Oh! Ha ha ha! laughs Gaius. How very comical. That will be Arthur's doing.

How can it be Arthur's doing? asks David.

Arthur obtained special bereavement flight rates for our team, says Gaius. I imagine he nominated you as the deceased. That is amusing.

Arthur nominated me? says Vello. But I hardly.....

He has no father, says David.

True, says Gaius. Poor Arthur.

Everyone is silent, feeling great empathy for Arthur.

All their troubles seem trivial, by comparison.

Three Excellent Things And Three Bad Ones

Morning. Belle breezes in.

Hi, says Belle to the philosphers at the breakfast table. Where's Terence?

In his room. The little scallywag is grounded, says Corny. For stealing, and lying.

Stealing? says Belle, unconcerned about lying. Stealing what?

These, says Vello, pointing to the bread he is eating, from which hagelslag is falling like rain.

Oh, I had the same thing for breakfast, says Belle. Arne says everyone here does. Imagine. Chocolate sprinkles. And only on bread, not on toast.

See! says Corny, to David, who had asked to have his on toast.

Point taken, says David. I'm beginning to develop a taste for stale bread anyway.

Belle hears Terence blowing up balloons in his bedroom, and letting them go.

Phooo! Phooo! Phooo! Prrrrrrrrrrrt!

Damn. If Terence is grounded, how can she and Arne take him to the Miffy Exhibition at Centraal Museum later this morning?

So you guys are eating the actual stolen chocolate sprinkles? she says.

It seemed a pity to waste them, says Corny.

You ought to have taken them back, says Belle.

I sent Terence to return them, says Corny.

And let me guess, says Belle. He didn't.

No, says Vello. He kept them in his pocket until dinner time, then he sprinkled them on his hachee and rode kool.

Which is? asks Belle.

Beef and onion stew with red cabbage, says Corny.

Is that what it was? says David. Red cabbage.

What did you think? asks Corny.

Never mind, says Belle. You shouldn't have let him do it. You've all failed in your duty of care. It's you adults who should be grounded.

Ha ha, laughs David. We can't be grounded.

If Terence is grounded, someone needs to stay with him, says Belle. And it won't be me. I'm just having a shower and changing, then I'm off to the Miffy Museum.

Terence, who has stopped blowing in order to listen, now knows three excellent things:

He'll be FREED! And it wasn't him that stole the chocolate sprinkles, it was the grown ups. And now they are grounded.

Belle heads off to the bathroom.

Vello sprinkles some more chocolate hail on his bread.

His phone rings, his bread tilts and sprinkles fall onto his shorts.

Damn, says Vello.  Hello? Hello? Oh it's you. What's the matter? When are you arriving? What? NO!
No, impossible at short notice. You'll just have to .....escape or something. Yes, yes, let me know, goodbye........... OH CURSES!

What's up? asks David.

Surfing-With-Whales, says Vello. He's been arrested.

What? says Belle, appearing in a towel. She looks rather fetching.

Corny tries to look elsewhere.

Vello's phone rings again.

What now? snaps Vello. Who? Gaius! No! No! Well that' your own fault. We're no longer on the same team. What? Schopenhauer's bicycle? What a mix-up! Oh all right, you old fool, I'll text you the address.

Gaius? says Belle Now what's happened?

He's here in Utrecht with the wrong bicycle, says Vello. And he's flustered, so I relented, and said he could come here and see us.

Poor Gaius, says Belle.

Vello's phone rings a third time.

Vello! he growls. What? Repeat that? Disqualified? Ridiculous. On what grounds? Oh ha ha. I'm not dead, if I were, would I be speaking to you? God's bones and testicles! Who says so? Well you tell them from me to go hang.

Who thinks you're dead, papa? says Belle, wide-eyed.

The Tour de France organisers, says Vello. And apparently, that's enough to disqualify us.

Whose Side Are You On?

Dinner is over.

Corny brings out the Dutch gin.

After several glasses Corny decides to tackle his fellow philosopher.

I fail to see, says Corny, how you think that you proved it.

What? says Vello, who has already forgotten what it was that he claimed to have proved.

That the statement 'you must begin somewhere' is nonsense, says Corny.

Oh that, says Vello. Patent nonsense.

Self-evident, you mean, says Corny. You have confused yourself by reading it backwards.

On the contrary, says Vello, I established that you may begin anywhere.

But is that not the same? insists Corny.

They look at David, for a decision. The old empiricist.

The contention is, says David, as I understand it, that you must begin somewhere is the same as you may begin anywhere?

Exactly, says Corny.

And your contention is that it isn't? says David, turning to Vello.

Exactly, says Vello.

Because you read it backwards, says David.

Yes, says Vello.

In fact, you began in the middle, says David.

Whose side are you on? asks Vello.

Corny pours some more gin.

Yes! He began somewhere! says Corny, triumphant. He had to!

It could have been anywhere, says Vello. It was perfectly random.

No such thing, says Corny. I object to this line of thinking.

Vello swallows another glass of gin, preparatory to pursuing this line of thinking.

You believe nothing is random? says Vello.

Nothing is perfect, says Corny.

Terence has been listening. He likes philosophy as much as he likes science.

That's TRUE, says Terence.

Three philosophers turn their heads towards Terence, enquiringly.

What does the child mean by that highly contestable judgement?

Terence is about to tell them.

He is about to say: It is true that nothing is perfect. Take my parrot, which now looks like a herring, and smells. I have some balloons in my pocket, which I feel no guilt in possessing. I shall begin another parrot in the morning. One must begin again somewhere.

Or words to that effect.

Imagine!

If Terence had got that out, before the philosophers noticed his little cement lips were plastered with chocolate sprinkles.

Busted!

Double Dutch Girl Puts Herself First

Vello and David arrive back at Corny's for dinner.

Smells good! says David.

How was the ride? asks Corny.

Not too bad, says David. It seems everyone here rides a bicycle.

Oh yes, the bicycles here are very popular, says Corny.

There was one part, all cobblestones, says Vello. And to make matters worse.......

Ah yes, says David, the cobbles with the letters. Very rattly. My teeth haven't recovered.

Have a bitterballen, says Corny.

Thank you, Corny, says David, biting into a hot bitterballen. Aaaah! Delightful.

(It is a small Dutch croquette).

Where is Terence? asks Vello, noting the all-too-peaceful absence of Terence.

I sent him back to the supermarket, says Corny. To return stolen goods. The rascal had stolen a packet of chocolate sprinkles.

Was that wise? asks David.

Of course not, says Corny.

Well, says Vello. All I can say is, it's lucky that Belle isn't here.

Surely by now she should be, says David. Has she sent you a message?

I should look, says Vello, getting his phone out. Oh yes... oh... she's not coming home until morning. She's met a book collector who is showing her his....

Bitterballen? smirks Corny, thinking he is making a clever double Dutch entendre.

But this goes down badly with Vello. No one makes sport of his daughter.

He chomps down hard on his bitterballen, and grimaces as if it were baked mud he was eating.

Terence, having waited outside in the street for ages, to convince stinky old Corny that he has returned the chocolate sprinkles, knocks on the front door.

Knock. Corny opens the door.

Good boy! says Corny. Honesty is the best policy. Come in now, and have some hachee and rode kool with appeltjes. But wash your hands first.

Terence goes to the bathroom.

If he were smart, he would now hide the chocolate sprinkles.

But he doesn't like the sound of what is for dinner.

So the sprinkles remain in his shorts.

He returns to the table.

Vello is waxing lyrical, in a bad way:

nennigeb netom snegre tluz eJ, says Vello. It is hardly poetic.

Which bit is it? asks Corny.

How should I know? says Vello. It's your endless poem.

Oh is it? says Corny. Just write it down will you.

Vello writes it down.

You were reading it backwards, says Corny. It's Je zult....( etc). It means you have to begin somewhere.

Well I've just proved that's nonsense, says Vello.

Corny doesn't know whether he should be insulted on behalf of his city's guild of poets.

He decides not to.

(be).

Meanwhile Terence is sprinkling chocolate hail over his bowl of hachee, while no one is looking.

If Belle were here, NONE of this would have happened.

But a girl has to put herself first.

If I'm Allowed

Arne's place. Arne takes out his nijntjes.

Oh my! says Belle. What a collection!

I have all the first editions, says Arne.

This may be a good place to explain that 'nijntje' is the original name of Miffy, the little white rabbit, and that dick bruna didn't use capitals.

I love the Miffy books! says Belle. I adore them.

Look at this one, says Arne. It's just come out for the 60th anniversary. 'nijntje op de fiets'.

Miffy rides her bicycle! says Belle. How gorgeous. But it's not new. I had it.

It's in Utrecht dialect, says Arne. Dick Bruna lived here. That's why it's special.

Belle leafs through 'nijntje op de fiets'.

'laoter as'k groat ben, dach nijntje op eên dâg, goatik a fietstoch maoke, k'hoop da da dan mâg.

Translate it for me, says Belle.

Arne reads: When I grow up, Miffy thought, I know what I would like. If I'm allowed, I will go for a ride on my bike.

If I'm allowed, says Belle. I love that. I must buy a copy for Terence.

A nephew? asks Arne.

No, not a nephew. An infant I'm temporarily in charge of.

Bravo, says Arne. Have you taken the infant yet to see dick bruna hius?

No, says Belle. We just got here.

It's closed, says Arne. But it will  reopen in December, as the most delightful childrens' museum. But the Centraal Museum is showing a super cool Miffy exhibition. We could go there.

We could, but not right now, says Belle. Later.

Maybe tomorrow, says Arne.

This all sounds promising.

..........

Terence is in the supermarket with Corny, who is spending too long in the vegetable section.

Terence is bored.

He stamps off (quietly) to look for the party section.

He finds it, at the end of aisle five.

Terence pockets a packet of balloons.

Its not stealing, he reasons, because balloons are just AIR!

But now Terence does something which is actually stealing.

Next to the party balloons and favours are the cake decorations and sandwich sprinkles.

O yum! Hagelslag! Chocolate hail.

Terence pockets this also.

The Flash In Which You Exist

Every Saturday afternoon at one o'clock they add a new letter, says Arne.

One a week? says Belle. When did they start?

Three years ago, says Arne. But they cheated. In order to predate it to the year 2000, they already laid 648 stones.

Oh, says Belle, Why make it seem to begin when it didn't?

You have to begin somewhere, says Arne.

In the words of the poet, says Belle.

Five poets, says Arne. Here's the next one:

LEAVE YOUR FOOTPRINTS, FORGET THE FLASH IN WHICH YOU MAY EXIST, THE WORLD IS YOUR MAP. IF THERE WAS A TIME WHEN YOU WERE ANOTHER, IT WENT BY.

Belle looks thoughtful; Arne also looks thoughtful.

Arne says, (so as not to forget the flash too early):

How about we go to my place ? I'll show you my nijntjes.

Sure, says Belle. The world is my map.

She is not the kind of girl to say no to a hot Dutch guy's nijntjes. If there had been a time when she was, it already went by.

........

Vello and David have re-assembled their bicycles, and now want to go out and test them.

But Belle isn't back.

That will be fine, says Cornelius de Pauw. You go. Terence and I will go for the shopping.

Vello hesitates. What would Belle say?

But Belle doesn't know about the sharp objects. And Terence has been quick to recover.

Okay, says Vello. See you at dinner.

By the way, what's for dinner? asks David, hoping it won't be soused herrings.

We shall have hachee met rode kool en appeltjes, says Corny. Zie je later!

Did you hear that? says David, as he and Vello lift their legs over their bicycles. Road kool!

Let's hope it's not up to us to provide it, says Vello.

They ride off laughing.

O lucky grown ups!

Terence must go for the shopping with mean old Corny.

Can I bring my parrot? asks Terence.

No. Leave it, says Corny de Pauw.

.........

The parrot is on the kitchen table.

The klok ticks.

Tick tick tick.

Let us take this opportunity to have a good look at the parrot.

It now has a herring bone tail, and the eyes of a herring.

(To be truthful, it looks more like a herring than a parrot.).

It stares at the kitchen walls blindly.

The Present Matters Even Less

Belle et Bonne is walking alone in the streets of Utrecht.

She looks down at the cobblestones.

Each stone bears a letter, and the letters form words, and the words are the words of an Endless Poem that winds on round the corner.

Je zult ergens moten beginnen......

Damn. It's in Dutch.

She goes into a koffie shop and orders a koffie.

Turns on her phone app translator.

.......

Vello and David are sleeping off onions and herrings.

Terence sits at the kitchen table with Corny de Pauw.

Corny is not used to infants. He thinks fear is the way to control them.

And sharp things.

Just like Saint Joseph.

Don't worry. Terence has been there.

No no! cries Corny. Stick it in like I showed you.

Wah! cries Terence. It'll pop.

It's already popped! says Corny. That's why it's floppy.

Wah! cries Terence.

Vello wakes up and staggers into the kitchen.

What's the matter with Terence? says Vello.

This infant needs discipline, says Corny.

Wah! says Terence. He hit me!

Never, would I, says Corny, hiding the fish bones.

.......

Belle is still in the koffie shop, intent on her iphone.

Je zult ergens moten beginnen, she mutters.

Ah, says a handsome young Dutch dude sitting nearby.

Ah? says Belle. Do you know what it means?

Ah? says the Dutch dude.

No, says Belle. I know what Ah means. But the words I was muttering....

Ja, says the Dutch dude. It's the first words of our Endless Poem, Letters of Utrecht. Would you like me to walk you along it?

Sure, says Belle. I would love it.

It will be fun for me too, says the Dutch dude, whose name is Arne. Come with me.

They walk back to the very first letter. (Which is J, if you haven't been paying attention).

They walk from cobble to cobble, slowly, Arne translating:

YOU HAVE TO BEGIN SOMEWHERE, TO GIVE THE PAST ITS PLACE, THE PRESENT MATTERS EVEN LESS. THE FURTHER YOU ARE, THE BETTER.

How lovely, says Belle. How poetic and truthful. Papa would love this.

(NO he wouldn't. Vello would rip it to pieces.)

The Science Of Piercing

Amsterdam Schiphol Airport.

The plane has arrived.

Cornelius de Pauw is waiting. A high domed Dutch man.

Hallo en welkom, says Cornelius.

Corny! says Vello. You look fit!

And you look skinny, says Corny. I must fatten you up. But David, you are fat already. Good, it is.

Nonsense, Corny! says David. This is muscle.

And who is this mooi meid? asks Corny.

It's my parrot, says Terence. It was a balloon when it started.

No, no, says Corny. I mean this lovely young lady.

This is Belle et Bonne, says Vello. My adopted daughter. Surely you remember?

She must have been a baby, says Corny. I don't.

I didn't adopt her as a BABY! says Vello.

I'm so looking forward to visiting Utrecht, says Belle, before things become awkward.

I shall be happy to show you around, say Corny. And your child. He will enjoy to see the statue of Miffy.

He isn't my child, says Belle. I'm looking after him for someone.

For Sweezus, says Terence. We're on opposite teams.

Oh, says Corny, confused, and lapsing into bad English. How come is this?

OP-POZ-IT! says Terence. We don't like the same things. It's a battle. And what's a Miffy?

 A rabbit, says Corny.

Sweezus would stomp on a rabbit, says Terence. And ooze out its guts. Then he'd EAT it.

Terence, says Belle. That's so naughty. Don't pay him any attention, Cornelius. Sweezus loves animals.

No he doesn't, says Terence. See this parrot? He would.......

Shouldn't we be catching a train? asks David.

Ja, ja, says Corny. The train to Utrecht will leave shortly. Let us collect your luggage. Have you much?

Two bicycles, says Vello. In bike bags.

Too easy. Off they go.

.......

An hour later, they get off the train in Utrecht.

Soon they are entering Corny's apartment.

It is stylish, with a modern kitchen including a microwave.

I'll just whip up some poffertjes, says Corny.

He opens a packet of ready made ones. And another packet, of powdered sugar. And little wrapped up butters.

He places the pofferjes inside the microwave oven.

This is not the old Corny, who never used short cuts.

Vello wonders if he has any herrings.

........

Yes, he has pickled herrings. Just the thing after pancakes!

Try, says Corny. He has already cut up some onion.

You eat them like this, the Dutch way.

He holds a herring by the tail, dangles it over his mouth, and eats upwards.

.......

Vello and David are taking a nap after eating the herrings.

Belle has gone out for a walk.

Corny is looking after Terence.

It will look more like a parrot, says Corny.

But it'll stink, says Terence.

That's not what you should fear, says Corny.

What should I fear? asks Terence.

Sharp herring bones, balloon, says Corny. You work it out.

Is it maths? says Terence.

Not maths, says Corny. Science. The science of piercing.

Terence doesn't like the sound of the science of piercing.

He wants Belle to come back.

The Aztecs And The Philosopher

It's the next day.

Vello, David, Belle and Terence are flying to Amsterdam.

It's a total disaster, says Vello.

Not necessarily, says David. We've lost Gaius. But we still have Surfing-With-Whales.

DO we? says Vello. DO WE?

Stop worrying papa, says Belle, from the seat behind them. You're better off without Gaius.

But why didn't he tell me? says Vello.

Absent-minded? says David.

Tempted by Sweezus and his dog, says Belle. You can't blame him. That dog is a phenomenon.

It talks, says David. That much is in evidence, but what can it DO?

It knows everything, says Terence. See this parrot?

No I can't, says Vello. You're sitting behind me.

I'll look, says David.

He undoes his seat belt, stands up and turns to look at the parrot.

It does look more like a parrot than it did yesterday.

Yes, says David. I see it. It could pass for a parrot.

I'll take your word for it, says Vello. What about it?

Farky-Om-Farky KNEW it was a parrot, says Terence.

Before it was finished, says Belle.

So he knew it was a parrot, says Vello. I fail to see how such prescience could be utilised in a bike race.

You could ask it, says David.

Ha ha, laughs Vello. We could ask it.

And that's that. Even philosophers can be thick sometimes.

Speaking of which.......

It'll be good to see old Cornelius again, says Vello.

Yes, says David. I wonder if he'll have modernised? He was so set in his ways.

Ha ha, yes! says Vello. Remember what he said about the Aztecs and their calendar?

Ha ha! laughs David. Their prodigious ignorance was proof that they didn't invent it!

Nice of him to put us up, though, says Vello.

Yes, very kind, says David. I look forward to sampling his poffertjes.

And soused herrings, says Vello.

They lapse into a delightful reverie of poffertjes and soused herrings.

Until the flight attendant rolls by with the drinks trolley.

Bearing red wine and mixed nuts.

Five Or Six Unanswered Questions

Belle arrives, to collect Terence.

Terence! What's this you're making? asks Belle.

A parrot, says Terence.

Yes, I can see how it might be, says Belle.

(This is the proper way to talk to an infant).

Terence continues sticking white paper squares on the flaccid balloon.

Why doesn't he use newspaper? asks Gaius.

We haven't got any newspaper, says Sweezus. Times have changed since you used to watch Play School.

I have never watched Play School, says Gaius. I merely thought it would be a responsible use of old newspaper.

It would be, says Belle, if anyone had any. Now Terence, are you coming? Terence? Where are you?

Terence has hidden under the table, with his half finished parrot.

Farky-Om-Farky is also under the table, licking up flakes of dried craft glue

How did you know it was a parrot? asks Terence.

I divined your intention, says Farky-Om-Farky.

But does it look like a parrot? asks Terence.

That's one too many questions, says Farky-Om-Farky.

Terence loves this answer. He commits it to memory.

Above their heads, the others are talking.

Vello and David are heading off to Utrecht tomorrow, says Belle.

Yeah? says Sweezus. That's early. How come?

They want to catch up with an old acquaintance, says Belle. Cornelius de Pauw.

Da Pow! says Sweezus. Never heard of him. What team does he ride for?

I don't think he rides for a team, says Belle. He's pretty ancient.

How ancient? asks Gaius.

About sixty, says Belle.

Does anyone else think that's ancient? asks Gaius.

You have asked one too many questions! says a voice from under the table.

Arthur sticks his head under the table.

Good answer, says Arthur. Which of you said it?

Me, says Terence. And you have asked three too many questions.

I only asked one, says Arthur.

But it's the third question, says Terence.

It has to be from the same person, says Farky-Om-Farky.

Terence can't see why this would matter.

So anyway, says Belle, I'll be going early too, because I want to spend time in Utrecht. I'm planning to walk the Endless Poem on the cobblestones, and see the statue of Miffy.

And will you take Terence? asks Sweezus.

Four too many questions.

Endless Poem, says Arthur. Why don't I know it?

Five.

(Six, if someone asks about Miffy).

The Spherical Parrot

How do you do that? asks Arthur. Turn into a stone.

Divine consciousness, says Farky-Om-Farky. I am one with my teeth.

So how do you turn back again? asks Arthur.

The teeth are one with me too, says Farky-Om-Farky. We're all one with everything. Even the blackberry prickles, even the sound of the water.....even the ....

But here he runs out of examples.

Yes I know that, says Arthur, but that doesn't explain how you do it.

I go into my head and come out the other, says Farky-Om-Farky.

Arthur likes a good mystery.

And no doubt he could think of more questions.

But it is lunch time.

He gets on his bike and heads to the Burger Foundry on Magill Road, for a burger.

Farky-Om-Farky runs behind him, his head full of things he might say.

........

Sweezus is at home writing lists.

It's a responsibility, being the captain.

Lists of clothing required for the Tour: Jerseys, bib shorts, caps, socks, mitts, rain jackets.

Lists of expenses: Airfares, train fares, accommodation, food.

What a head fuck. At least Pablo's over there already......

He can hear Play School finishing.

Terence comes in.

Have we got a balloon? asks Terence. I want to make a parrot.

........

Sweezus and Terence are eating jam sandwiches when Gaius comes over.

Is Arthur here? asks Gaius.

No, he's out testing Farky, says Sweezus. What's up?

Nothing, says Gaius. Nothing Arthur can't deal with.

Yeah, right, says Sweezus. What is it?

Rabies vaccinations says Gaius. Quarantine. But as I say... Arthur will....only I wondered, how he might do it. I rather got the impression that he thought Farky was a liability.......

He trails off.

So what is it? says Sweezus, who hasn't gathered the import.

Gaius is looking at the balloon, which is half covered in scraps of white paper, stuck on with craft glue.

That's my parrot, says Terence.

Pig, you mean, says Gaius.

PARROT! says Terence.

A parrot isn't spherical, says Gaius.

This one IS, says Terence. And it's not finished, you idiot.

Terence! says Sweezus. It's a fair criticism.

Terence looks at his parrot.

His little mouth crumples.

........

Now something good happens, which cheers everyone up within minutes.

Arthur comes in, followed by Farky-Om-Farky.

Hi, says Arthur. You're not going to believe this.

I am, says Gaius.

Try me, says Sweezus.

Show them your trick, Farky, says Arthur.

Okay, but it's not really a trick, says Farky-Om-Farky.

He lies down and becomes instantly rigid.

Stone rigid.

Then presto! Becomes mobile again.

Gaius is elated. He sees at once how this will save money on quarantine and rabies injections.

Sweezus will too, when he twigs it.

Terence, picks up his balloon, which is now wrinkly and flaccid.

Nice parrot, says Farky-Om-Farky.

Hah! Vindicated.

Death And Transfiguration

Arthur rides on towards Waterfall Gully.

He hasn't noticed the absence of Farky.

He arrives at the base of the waterfall.

Gets off his bicycle.

Stares into the pool.

Imagines himself at the bottom.

Pale and gelatinous, decomposing. Becoming one with the mud.

He is pleased with the image.

It is necessary for us to know this, in order to understand that Arthur does not have a plan for exporting Farky to the Netherlands by means illegitimate.

Arthur trusts in the charmed life. His own.

So now he is riding back from Waterfall Gully, carefree except that it's way past his lunch time.

But what's this on the road?

......

To know what it is before Arthur finds out we must travel back in time slightly. How thrilling.

Five... four... three... two... one.

Here we are! Back at when Farky disappeared into the undergrowth, believing his life was in danger.

Or at the very worst, his teeth would be going to Holland without him.

Yipes, how that would hurt.

It hardly bears thinking.

Farky is lying next to a blackberry bush. It is scratchy, and leafless.

The creek trickles somewhere behind.

This is the moment.

His Omniscient Teeth speak directly to Farky. They say:

Hello dear. I know you think you're in trouble. But trust me. Trust us. Trust yourself. Think, little Farky. Think yourself into the divine consciousness. Think of the possibility latent in the void. What I am, you are. And while you're doing that, have a think about talking. But later.

So when Arthur rides by, thinking of nothing but what he might have for lunch  ( a burger?), what he sees in the road looks like nothing so much as

DEAD DOG.

......

Apart from the morbidity, it looks just like Farky.

Arthur stops, kicks him gently.

Lucky. Or that would have been painful.

Ouf! Farky has morphed into stone.

Arthur supposes that he ought to move Farky, for the sake of road safety.

He bends down to pick up stone Farky.

But immediately Farky opens one eye and says clearly in English with no trace of an accent:

Farky-Om-Farky. I am.

Dog Can't Get Head Around Teeth

Gaius has buried the poo and then gone to the letterbox.

What's this? A bill from the vet!

He marches over the road to sort out the misunderstanding.

Yes? says Bettina, at the desk.

Gaius waves the bill in the air.

Oh that, says Bettina. Your friend didn't pay.

The vet didn't do anything, says Gaius.

Tony gave you quote, says Bettina.

Well, here's a quote for Tony, says Gaius.  He can.....

I'll call him, says Bettina quickly.

Tony comes out.

I'm not paying this, says Gaius. It's outrageous. I fixed the dog's teeth myself.

All right, all right, says Tony. No need for everyone to hear that.

And indeed, three other customers have pricked up their ears.

Come through, says Tony.

Gaius goes through.

Soon they are chatting about canine dental matters. Tony is interested in the fact that the teeth can now speak for themselves.

Oh yes, says Gaius airily. Not only can they speak, but what they say is highly motivational. We are planning on taking them with us to Utrecht. And the dog, obviously.

Utrecht, you say? says Tony. I assume he's had his rabies vaccination.

Er......no, says Gaius. Is that a requirement these days?

Sure is, says Tony. And a microchip, and a European dog passport, and then there's the long quarantine period.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius.

We can do the rabies vaccination and chip, says Tony. Just make an appointment with Bettina.

Gaius leaves. But he does not make an appointment with Bettina.

Oh no.

Gaius calls Arthur.

.......


Arthur is riding his bike up to Waterfall Gully.

Farky is running behind.

This is how Arthur is testing his motivational qualities.

Arthur's phone rings.

What is it? says Arthur.

He slows down. Farky runs up alongside.

It's only the teeth we need really, says Arthur.

Teeth? Farky wonders if Arthur is talking about him.

The dog's a liability, says Arthur.

Farky is sure now that Arthur is talking about him.

Don't worry, I know how to fix it, says Arthur.

Farky stops, turns and disappears into the undergrowth.

He needs time to get his head around this.

Sports Mad Psychologist

Arthur, Terence and Belle are at Sweezus's place.

Waiting for Sweezus.

There's a knock on the door.

Belle opens it.

Surfing-With-Whales! says Belle. Come in. Are you looking for Sweezie?

Kind of, says Surfing-With-Whales. Mum said she thought he had Farky.

Mm, says Belle. He does. They'll be back from the vet soon.

Vet? says Surfing-With-Whales

Farky bit me! says Terence. And I broke his teeth.

Yeah? scoffs Surfing-With-Whales. Like that would happen.

Farky broke his own teeth, says Arthur, standing up for the victim.

Long as I'm not paying, says Surfing-With-Whales.

The door is still open. Farky bounds in, followed closely by Sweezus.

How'd it go? asks Belle.

All good, says Sweezus. Dude! Mate! Good timing.

Yo, bro! says Surfing-With-Whales. Why good timing?

Because I need to ask you a favour, says Sweezus.

I'm not paying the vet's bill, says Surfing-With-Whales.

There's no vet's bill, says Sweezus. Gaius fixed the teeth with bull glue, for nothing.

Bull glue, says Surfing-With-Whales. You're joking.

And bull's wee, says Terence. His teeth stuck together!

That's not how he fixed it, says Sweezus.

Let's see, says Surfing-With-Whales. Come here, Farky. Show me.

Farky bares his teeth to Surfing-With-Whales.

Far out! says Surfing-With-Whales. What're those black bits?

The divine consciousness, says Om-Farky.

Crikey! says Surfing-With-Whales. He couldn't talk when I left him.

It's not him, says Terence. Watch this!

He pulls Farky's tail. Farky turns around, snapping.

See? says Terence. Would divine consciousness do snapping?

Very good reasoning, Terence, says Belle. You're learning.

My dog's fucked, says Surfing-With-Whales. Divine consciousness my arse. I don't care if you keep him.

No worries, says Sweezus. He's coming with us to Utrecht.

Yeah, like what as? says Surfing-With-Whales. Your mascot?

Sports-med psychologist, says Sweezus.

Ha ha, laughs Belle.

Ha ha, laughs Arthur.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. Sports mad psychologist!

Terence dances around Farky, faux kick-boxing.

It's run-of-the-mill normal taunting.

Om-Farky easily rises above it.

Glad I'm not in Team Condor this year, says Surfing-With-Whales. Oh yeah, didn't I tell you?

What? says Sweezus, trying for a concerned look.

I'm riding with the old guys, says Surfing-With-Whales. The philosophers. They need some new blood.

Too bad, bro, says Sweezus. I'll ask Gaius.

What? says Belle. Isn't he signed up already?

He is now, says Sweezus.

Everyone looks disappointed.

The Potentiality Of The Void

The oily cabbage passes through Farky rapidly.

He needs to go outside.

A powerful stench fills the garden.

Holy crap! says Sweezus.

Good for the roses, says Gaius.

Gaius's phone rings. It's Vello.

Yes, yes, says Gaius. Almost done. I'll drop it by shortly.

You writing something for Vello? asks Sweezus.

Supposed to be, says Gaius. I'd agreed to write an article on Professor Xu Xing. Then I had the fall and concussion.

Did you have an angle? asks Sweezus.

Oh yes, says Gaius. Ninety degrees.

I meant for the story, says Sweezus.

Indeed, most intriguing, says Gaius. See that bicycle, in the shed there?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Professor Xu Xing was riding it. Looks like Schopenhauer's.

It is, says Gaius. The remarkable thing was, whoever rode it began to think like Schopenhauer.

No kidding, says Sweezus. Did they want to keep stopping at restaurants?

Not that aspect of Schopenhauer, says Gaius. No. They made various pronouncements on suffering.

Doesn't everyone? says Sweezus.

Farky comes bounding up, feeling lighter, to prance around Sweezus, whom he likes more than anyone.

No intention of making a comment.

But Farky has reckoned without his Omniscient Teeth.

Ask me about suffering, says Om-Farky.

You see? says Gaius. And this hound has not even ridden the bicycle. He's simply in its vicinity.

Yeah, but...... that wasn't a pronouncement, says Sweezus.

Gaius bends down.

What do you know about suffering? asks Gaius.

How to r-i-i-ise above it, says Om-Farky. How to harness the void and its latent potentiality.

You hear that? says Sweezus. Sports-Med-Psychology!

Yes, says Gaius. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes, he is, says Om-Farky. But I warn you, you're heading for discord.

Nonsense, says Gaius. You'd give us a tremendous advantage.

Massive, says Sweezus. You're coming with us to Utrecht!

Farky leaps up, wagging his tail.

His Omniscient Teeth are reluctant to spoil the joyful moment.

But truth above all.

You two are on different teams, says Om-Farky.

Not necessarily, says Gaius. I could ride for Team Condor.

Sweezus does a quick mental calculation.

Him, Arthur, Pablo. That's three. Yep, there's room on the team for another.....but....Gaius? He was going to ask Surfing-With-Whales.

The universe trembles.

A yellow leaf falls from an apricot tree.

The results of the Tour de France (possibly) hang in the balance.

The Split Between Knower And Known

Gaius flicks the switch on his cordless Ryobi.

Farky's eyes widen.

The Omniscient Teeth turn pale.

No need to worry, says Gaius. I'm using my smallest drill bit. Hold his head steady.

Sweezus grips Farky's head.

Oh. The bones in his skull feel so fragile.

Farky's head vibrates. Buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz.

Done, says Gaius, switching the drill off. Let's see the damage.

Farky's mouth is set in a horrible rictus.

Sweezus and Gaius look in at the Teeth.

The Teeth, which were rounded, being formed from conglomerate clasts, are now sharply triangular.

That's heaps good, says Sweezus. Pointed teeth. Want a snack, Farky?

Gaius goes into the pantry to look for a snack.

For some reason, Farky does not seem excited at the prospect.

What's up Farky? says Sweezus. Snack time. You must be starving.

Farky is trying to say something. What is it? Come on Teeth, make an effort!

Cnt, says Farky.

Shit, says Sweezus. Gaius! He still can't open his mouth!

Gaius comes back with some pounded cabbage, which is all he has handy.

What's this? says Gaius. Still stuck together? How can that be?

Stuck at the points of contact, says Sweezus.

It's true. The points of the teeth are still bonded,. But now there are diamond-shaped gaps.

Straw, says Gaius. I'll fetch a straw.

For sucking up cabbage? says Sweezus. Do you reckon?

I'll pound it up further, says Gaius. With oil. Lots of oil. I'll make it quite runny.

Hurry up then, says Sweezus. He doesn't look happy.

Gaius pounds the cabbage with the oil rapidly.

I feel stronger already, says Gaius.

Which admittedly isn't the object.

Eventually the mixture is ready. Farky sucks it up through the straw.

Swuurp-swuurp-swuuurp!

It tastes surprisingly minty.

Haaah! says Farky.

Hurrah! At last he has uttered a vowel!

Does this mean......?

Yes! his mouth is now opening and shutting.

How'd that happen? says Sweezus. What was in it?

Oxymel, coriander, rue, mint and silphium root, says Gaius. I take it every morning. It's good for hypochondria.

That's amazing, says Sweezus, patting Farky and ruffling his ears.

Don't do that, says Farky. As much as I love you.

Freak-me-out! says Sweezus. Farky! You're talking. Say something else.

It's not actually me, says Farky. It's the Teeth talking.

Yes it is, say the Omniscient Teeth. We are talking. And now we can talk freely we have something important to say.

Fascinating, says Gaius. What is it?

Yeah what is it? says Sweezus.

Everything happens for a reason, say the Teeth.

I read that on Facebook! says Sweezus. But yeah, it's heaps true.

It's not Facebook, say the Teeth, it is the goal which all austerities aim at. When one gains true knowledge, there is no split between knower and known.

I get it, says Sweezus.

No you don't, say the Teeth. All these events have conspired because Farky was unable to speak to you. Now he can.

Cool, says Sweezus. Good boy, Farky.

Farky jumps up, licks his face. His breath smells of cabbage.

The Omniscient Teeth

Farky is humming the sound of the all encompassing mystical entity.

It's all he can do.

Gaius is racking his brains for a solvent.

Sweezus gets out his phone and calls Arthur.

Arthur, says Sweezus. Got a problem.

What is it? says Arthur.

Farky's teeth are glued shut, says Sweezus.

Farky's teeth are glued shut, repeats Arthur. That's kind of draconian.

Not on purpose, says Sweezus. Who's that laughing?

Terence, says Arthur.

Hell's bells, says Sweezus. Is he still there?

Yes, says Arthur. Belle hasn't come back yet.

What dissolves bull glue? asks Sweezus.

What dissolves bull glue? repeats Arthur.

Bull wee! says Terence.

A door slams.

A female voice says something.

Try nail polish remover, says Arthur.

Dude, you're a lifesaver, says Sweezus.

What did he suggest? asks Gaius.

Nail polish remover, says Sweezus.

Omm-mm-m! hums Farky, in a wavering tone.

For the first time in ages, the Omniscient Teeth are inclined to say something.

m-dnt-wnt-nl-plsh-rmvr-nywhr-nr-m-mth, says Farky.

What's that, Farky? asks Sweezus.

The Omniscient Teeth are prepared to repeat this ad infinitum.

m-dnt-wnt-nl-plsh-rmvr, says Farky.

He don't want nail polish remover, says Sweezus.

How did you know what he was saying? asks Gaius.

It's a talent, says Sweezus.

Remarkable, says Gaius. You must teach him better English. Well, tell Farky not to worry. I don't have any nail polish remover.

h-dnt-hv-ny-nl-plsh-rmvr, says Sweezus.

Farky gives Sweezus a pitying look.

What a dick head.

The Teeth too are nettled. Normally they speak perfect English. Damn this restriction!

Gaius meanwhile has come up with another solution.

He goes out to the garage and comes back with a lime green cordless Ryobi.

Humming In Tune With The Universe

Now this bull glue, says Gaius, is made from bull's ears and genitals. Whereas the fish glue is made from icthyocolla, or fish.

Which do you recommend? asks Sweezus.

In this case, the bull glue, says Gaius. It's by far the stronger.

What d'you reckon Farky? asks Sweezus.

Let him sniff them, says Gaius.

Farky sniffs the bull glue, then the fish glue, then goes back to the bull glue.

That's how you tell what dog's like.

Good, says Gaius. That's decided. Now the next question. Where are the teeth?

In his mouth, says Sweezus. But they're broken.

Where are the broken pieces? says Gaius.

He must have swallowed them, says Sweezus.

That makes it harder, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Woah, Farky! Stop licking the glue.

Farky stops licking the glue.

Gaius is looking for a solution.

He has a brainwave.

It's not very fair.

In the corner of the windowsill sits the Omniscient Stone, a beautiful conglomerate.

She is gathering dust, and of recent times has given up uttering.

With one exception. She will sometimes say OMM.

Gaius gets out his geology hammer and chisel.

He picks up the Omniscient Stone. and starts chipping away at her clasts.

The Omniscient Stone knew this would happen.

Whatever. Her new life has begun.

Soon six of her best clasts are glued to Farky's teeth with bull's ear and genital glue.

And Farky is mended.

Good boy, says Sweezus, patting Farky, for being so patient.

Yes, good boy, says Gaius. Now we must keep his mouth open until the glue sets.

He looks round for a wedge,

But alas, he can't find one, and Farky closes his mouth too early.

Shit, says Sweezus. He's closed it.

Tch! says Gaius. This glue is stronger than superglue! The poor dog is doomed!

Farky stretches his lips, but his teeth will not open.

He tries to howl. Nothing happens.

Until it does.

His omniscient teeth begin to hum in tune with the universe and everything in it.

OMM.

Bull Glue And Fish Glue

Arthur and Terence are at Sweezus's place.

It wasn't my fault, says Terence.

Who says it was? says Arthur, idly clicking his needles.

EVERYONE, says Terence.

If a dog bites you, says Arthur, it's the dog's fault.

Yes, says Terence. And now he must pay, by not eating.

He'll die, says Arthur. Unless he drinks soup.

Or red milkshakes, says Terence. Like I had for breakfast.

Was that a milkshake? says Arthur.

No, says Terence. It would have been, but there was no shaker.

The vet'll fix him, says Arthur.

Vets can fix anything.

But Terence is wrong about one thing. It isn't the dog that will pay.

.....

Sweezus and Farky are at the Animal Hospital, across the road from Gaius's.

Farky is whimpering, from complete lack of breakfast.

Sweezus examines the dog toys, all of which require chomping.

It's their turn to go in.

Six broken teeth! says the vet, Tony. How did that happen?

Couldn't say, says Sweezus.

Come on, says Tony. If it's animal cruelty I'll have to report you.

Biting an infant, says Sweezus. But the infant was harder than he expected.

That's okay then, says Tony. Now let's look at these teeth.

Tony grasps Farky by the snout and prises his jaws open.

Farky's eyes fill with dog tears.

Sweezus winces.

Three choices, says Tony. One, we can put Farky down, since he can't eat anything. A simple solution that will cost five hundred dollars.

Two, we can fit him up with a set of false dog teeth. This is generally successful, in the short term, and will cost you five thousand dollars. Downside is, you can't let him out of your sight. They do tend to swallow them.

Three, you could go the whole hog and get implants. Expensive. You might want to pay by instalments. Do you own your own home?

Thanks mate, says Sweezus. We'll have to think about that one.

He yanks Farky out of the surgery, through the waiting room, out the door, and across the road to Gaius's.

Gaius is home.

Still got the hound? says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Is Lauren still here?

No, says Gaius. Gone back to Noarlunga. What's wrong with him? His mouth's bleeding.

Busted teeth, says Sweezus. We've just been to the vet's.

Don't waste your money, says Gaius.

He kneels and looks into the depleted mouth of Farky.

Roman glue, says Gaius. That's all that needed. I'll look in the cupboard.

He goes to the cupboard and comes back with two pots of ancient Roman adhesive.

Bull glue and fish glue.

Farky sniffs and looks hopeful.

Six Broken Teeth

Next morning Farky is found to have six broken teeth.

How has this happened?

To find out, we must go back to last night at the Brave Little Tailor in Peel Street.

Sweezus and Arthur have met up with two girls and got talking.

Terence is bored.

(But is this boring? You be the judge).

Elena: You remind me of someone.

Arthur: I know.

Elena: Huh? What was that answer?

Arthur: I......no.

Sweezus: He doesn't like to be recognised.

Arthur: Nor does he.

Mattie: Oh. Are you someone too?

Terence: Can I have a sticky cake?

Sweezus: No, Terence.

Mattie: I'll buy you a sticky cake, little cherub.

Elena: Get me one too. You guys want one?

Arthur: I do.

Elena: Give me the money.

Arthur (feeling about in his pocket): Hey!

Sweezus: Stuck yourself with a needle? I told you.

Arthur (drawing out a small aromatic package): Forgot I had this.

He opens the package.

A strong herbal scent fills the air round the table.

Mattie (sniffing): Is that Ginko Biloba?

Elena: Nah. It's not that.

Mattie: Yeah it is.

Elena: Well you'd know, Mattie.

Sweezus: No kidding? What's it good for?

Mattie: It inhibits brain rusting. Protects the brain neurons from oxidative damage.

Sweezus: Heavy.

Arthur: No good to me. Who wants it? I don't want it.

Sweezus: Ha ha, you wouldn't.

Elena: Mattie's got something you might like better.

Terence: Sticky cake?

Arthur: What?

Elena: Damiana. The Aztecs used it as an aphrodisiac and dream promoter.....

Terence: IS ANYONE LISTENING?

No one is. Not to him anyway.

So Terence stomps out of the Brave Little Tailor.

He stomps all the way home.

At Sweezus's place it's perfectly quiet.

Terence goes round the the back.

Yes lucky. The door is unlocked.

He goes in, but he can't reach the light switch.

Suddenly. Raaaw! Six cracking sounds occur simultaneously.

Terence is unharmed, thanks to his essential nature being largely cement based.

But Farky's teeth are ruined, and the vet's bill will be astronomical.

Deep Dog Psyche

What now? says Sweezus.

We could go to a bar, says Arthur.

We could, says Sweezus, but what about Terence?

I go to bars, says Terence. I went to one once in Saint Kilda. Lorna sat on my hat.

And what about Farky? says Arthur.

Farky tries to look small.

Leave him at my place, says Sweezus.

They take Farky to Sweezus's place and lock him inside.

As they leave Farky watches them through the window.

Then he goes searching for socks.

Sweezus, Arthur and Terence head back to the city.

Shall we observe them, or Farky?

Let's observe Farky.

He is still looking for socks.

At Lauren's house there were socks in abundance.

Her socks, which featured hearts and kittens, and smelled of Tropical Lily.

And the more delightful socks of Surfing-With-Whales, which smelled of chlorine and blue cheese.

He looks in the laundry.

No socks. No dirty washing.

He looks in the bedroom.

Tidy. Drawers closed. Bed made.

Normally, show me the bedroom I'll show you the man.

But not in this case, because Belle popped in while Sweezus was away, to tidy up.

At least the bed smells of Sweezus.

Farky jumps up on the bed, and lies doggo, waiting for Sweezus.

At this point we might leave Farky as he appears to be doing nothing.

But we are not going to. We are going to dig deeper into his psyche.

Farky is dozing, and every two seconds his eyes open, his ears prick, he makes a dog noise.

rgreueu!  ( a dog noise )

And this happens: (dream of farky)

rgreueuwoo all my people will come what is that noise?? it's a creaker.... lie low
rgreueuwoo weoo don't like creakers
regreeu eu woo not all my people not terence...... bite terence.....

Who knew?

Farky dreams of biting Terence.

It was worth missing out on the bar, to find that out.

Carelessness Can Be So Rewarding

Early evening.

Sweezus, Arthur and Terence are eating burgers in Peel Street.

They are sitting outside, because they've got Farky the dog.

How's it been, living with Belle? asks Sweezus.

Nice, says Terence, screwing his nose up.

What's that face for? says Sweezus.

Responsibility, says Terence, dropping a big chunk of burger onto the pavement.

Farky looks at it longingly.

What a good dog.

Arthur feeds Farky the burger.

Farky looks up for more.

I grew up without a father, says Terence.

No you didn't says Sweezus. What about Saint Joseph?

Belle says he was absent, says Terence. And I'm not responsible.

That's right, says Arthur. My father was absent.

What else has she told you? says Sweezus.

Be kind to others, says Terence.

Farky looks hopeful.

Do you want to know why? says Terence.

I already know why, says Sweezus. It's Game Theory.

Be kind to others? Wouldn't that lose you the game? says Arthur.

No, says Sweezus. Not necessarily. It lulls them. Then you move in for the kill.

Belle didn't say that, says Terence.

She wouldn't have, says Sweezus. But she'd lose the game.

Terence is happy to learn that life is not all that simple.

And that Belle would lose the game.

Farky edges across to nose under someone else's table for fragments of mushroom, which have dropped out of their Funghi Hot Dog.

Who needs kindness when carelessness can be so rewarding?


......


Belle is at the Cabaret Festival with Marie, drinking sparkling red wine.

The show they are seeing is called My Vagabond Boat.

The songs are about the sadness of displacement.

Hope and despair. They are also quite funny.

Nevertheless when the show is over there is a tear in Belle's eye and a corresponding one in her cousin's.

This calls for another glass of wine.

How hard would it be, says Marie, for this country to show some compassion?

Belle sighs. She can only agree.

A Dad And A Dog Owner

Where is Farky?

Farky has reached the CBD.

He has followed the scent of the string to the foot of the stairs to the office.

But the street door is closed.

Faithful Farky sits down on the pavement to wait for an emergence.

People pass by. ( It's the city ).

A girl with pink hair and a nose ring.

A man with tight pants and a phone.

A kid on a scooter.

A woman with a cherub.

She stops at the door.

The cherub steps on Farky's front paw deliberately.

Oweee! yelps Farky

I saw that, Terence, says Belle. Now pat him. Say sorry.

Terence pats Farky. Says sorry.

Hypocrisy. Belle is teaching Terence the art.

Belle opens the door.

Farky darts up the stairs, followed by Belle and Terence.

The door of the office is open.

Farky dashes in, and hurls himself towards Sweezus.

Sweezus steps out of the way.

Farky hits his head on the desk leg. That shuts him up for a while.

This is the new Farky, I gather, says Vello.

Not like the old Farky, says David. Clumsy.

Hi everyone, says Belle et Bonne entering the office with Terence. Did that dog come in here?

Yes! says Terence, seeing Farky flat out on the carpet.

Leave him! says Belle et Bonne. Honestly. I can't take my eyes off you for a minute.

You're MEAN, says Terence. You never let me do anything.

Well guess what, says Belle et Bonne. I'm giving you back to Sweezus. I'm going out tonight and I need a baby sitter.

Awesome, says Sweezus. How about we go out for a burger? You, me and Arthur.

Yippee! says Terence. But where is SHE going?

Never mind, says Belle et Bonne, straightening Terence's side flaps and dusting off his shorts.

I'll see you tomorrow. Be good.

She heads off down the stairs.

What about this dog? says David. He can't stay here. We're going out too.

Farky is stirring.

Sweezus looks at Farky, then Terence.

The dead weight of responsibility settles like a brick on his shoulders.

This is like being a dad. And a dog owner.

(But fuck it. How hard can it be? And anyway, he has Arthur to help him).

Thanks To Science Not Maths

Now things move quickly, thanks to science.

Farky has been untied and revived.

He doesn't like any of these people, not even Margaret, who saved him.

He sniffs the air, for a scent of Sweezus.

Sniff sniff.

Along the highway, wafting gently with the breeze comes a scent.

The scent matches the scent of the string he was tied up with.

It is coming in from the north, from the pocket of Arthur, where the string was.

Arthur, who was with Sweezus.

Dogs can put two and two together.

This is science, not maths. The science of animal behaviour. And the science of smell.

Farky tears off down the road towards Adelaide.

........

Lauren and Gaius resume their journey.

He'll be fine, says Lauren. Dogs always land on their feet.

It's cats that do that, but Gaius doesn't pick up on it.

He is busy devising useful applications of Reiki.

........

Margaret and Professor Xu Xing also resume their journey.

Honestly, says Margaret. Reiki. What next?

I don't know, says Professor Xu Xing. But one should keep one's mind open. Take Chinese medicine for example.

Margaret does not wish to take Chinese medicine. She changes the subject.

So what prompted you to become a paleontologist? asks Margaret.

I wanted to study economics, says Professor Xu Xing. But in Beijing in the eighties, students had no choice in their degrees, and I was told I had to study paleontology.

And the rest is history, says Margaret.

Indeed, says Professor Xu Xing. Now of course things are different. My two boys will choose their own path.

Boys? says Margaret. Are you married?

Oh yes, says Professor Xu Xing.

.......

Farky has now reached Reynella.

The traffic is heavy.

The smell of mouldy string mingles with fumes.

........


Adelaide.

Sweezus and Arthur check in at the Velosophy office.

Any news of Gaius? asks Vello.

On his way, says Sweezus.

With Lauren Swales, and a dog, says Arthur.

Shit, says Sweezus. I'd forgotten about Farky. What if they didn't see him?

What's this? says David.

We tied Farky to the Kombi, says Arthur. But Gaius and Lauren were in the back and wouldn't have seen us.

In the back? says Vello. How do you know?

It was vibrating, says Arthur, making an exaggerated rhythmical movement.

Vello bursts out laughing.

David to his credit is more concerned with the fate of poor Farky.

Sticklers

Farky lies on the road, one eye open.

Margaret knows some first aid.

She rolls Farky over, and starts pumping his chest.

Professor Xu Xing and Baby Pierre stroll about, talking.

I saw deep sea monsters, says Baby Pierre.

Describe them, says Professor Xu Xing.

It was dark, says Baby Pierre.

So you didn't see them clearly, says Professor Xu Xing.

I drew them afterwards, says Baby Pierre.

But if you hadn't seen them ...... says Professor Xu Xing.

Crumbs. What a stickler for exactitude.

Lauren's Kombi reverses towards them. Gaius gets out.

Margaret, that's not Reiki, says Gaius. Get your hands off that dog.

This dog is unwell, says Margaret. He had a spasm. What's this about Reiki?

A spasm, you say! says Gaius. Were you here when it happened? What time exactly?

Two forty six, says Margaret, (a good scientist).

If only Gaius had looked at his watch when he tried distant Reiki on Farky.

But he did not. He pursues another angle.

Did he look calmer, after the spasm? asks Gaius.

Calmer is hardly the word, says Margaret. He looked stunned.

Lauren has emerged from the Kombi by this time.

She looks down at Farky, who is responding very well to first aid.

Well done, Gaius, says Lauren. You did a good job for a beginner.

Really? says Margaret. I assume you are speaking of Reiki?

Yes, says Lauren. It's a Hindu and yogic tradition.

I know, says Margaret. Pure nonsense. Gaius you surely don't....

Hmph! says Lauren. There are many things .......

Let me answer her, Lauren, says Gaius. Margaret, two words. Reiki works. I would go further. Three words. Distant Reiki works.

Farky whimpers.

Prove it, says Margaret.

Farky squirms.

He doesn't want Gaius to prove it .

I don't need to prove it, says Gaius. I am a convert.

Lauren looks pleased.

So does Farky.

Dangers Of Level Three Reiki

Lauren is first to emerge from the Kombi.

Farky! says Lauren. How did you get here?

Gaius comes out behind her, every point in his subtle body recharged.

While Lauren sees an annoying dog she thought she'd got rid of, Gaius senses the dog's hurt and trauma.

Not only that, he recognises the string.

It's no mystery, says Gaius. This string is from Esperance. We were to give it back to young Natalie. Arthur must have forgotten.

It stinks, says Lauren. Beats me how he could have forgotten.

Let us untie him, says Gaius, bending down to do it.

How easily he bends.

A kind thought occurs to him.

Perhaps Farky would benefit from Reiki.

He makes the suggestion.

Don't think I haven't tried, says Lauren. This dog just doesn't like me.

Let me, says Gaius. I feel I have learned much already.

All right, says Lauren. You try.

Gaius places one hand on Farky's crown chakra, and one on his root.

Farky leaps forward in terror.

Calm! Calm! says Gaius. I am sorry. I am a beginner.

Sometimes distant Reiki can be more effective, says Lauren. I'm not up to that yet. But it can't hurt to practice on a puppy.

Distant Reiki? says Gaius, amazed. Do you mean to say it works at a distance?

Oh yes, says Lauren. If you're a Level Three. Tie him up to that tree there.

Gaius ties Farky up to a tree.

Now we'll drive down the road a bit, says Lauren.

Gaius feels this is unnecessary, but he bows to the superior knowledge of the Level Two practitioner.

They both climb into the Kombi

..... and drive away.

...........

Farky is miserable.

Farky is sad.

This is the worst day

He's ever had.

.......

A few minutes later, two bicycles appear in the distance.

No wait, three!

One has green wheels and is tiny. They get closer, and stop at the tree.

A dog! says Margaret. Tied up to a tree in the middle of nowhere. How cruel.

Professor Xu Xing is forced to agree.

Untie him, says Margaret.

Professor Xu Xing dismounts and approaches.

Baby Pierre approaches too.

I know that string! says Baby Pierre. It's from when I went diving!

You can dive? says Professor Xu Xing. Your talents are unending.

Farky looks patient.

Yes, says Baby Pierre. I was diving for a ruby sea dragon. I went the deepest. I was...

Farky looks glum.

Untie him, says Margaret.

No one wants to. The string is disgusting.

All of a sudden, Farky is assailed by long distance Reiki.

He yelps, leaps, half-strangles himself and collapses.

This is not to say Reiki is dangerous.

But Level Three should NEVER be practised by a beginner.

The Subtle Body

The old blue Kombi is vibrating badly.

Gaius stares at his chakra bracelet made out of lava rock beads, spaced with Tibetan silver Buddhas.

Go on, says Lauren. I swear it will make you feel better. The seven big ones represent each of your chakras.

Gaius looks blank.

Don't you know what they are? asks Lauren.

She launches into an explanation. She has studied these things.

We each have seven main chakras, says Lauren. They represent energy points in our subtle body.

This term usually elicits a question.

Why doesn't he ask it?

You look troubled, says Lauren, stopping the Kombi. Would you like me to perform Reiki? I'm at Level Two.

Lauren, says Gaius. I must apologise. You have been very kind. But I cannot bring myself to wear a bracelet of lava rock beads.

I understand, says Lauren. They're bad karma for you. I've got others. What about a black onyx?

I prefer not to wear a bracelet at all, says Gaius.

You have too many hangups, says Lauren. Reiki can help you. Get in the back and lie down.

Gaius is shocked.

Don't worry, says Lauren. You keep your clothes on. I don't even touch you. Level Two Reiki practitioners work in the subtle plane.

Gaius doesn't like to say no to everything. And he is curious by nature. So he climbs into the back of the Kombi with Lauren and lies down.

She starts to perform a series of hand gestures.

Crown, brow, throat, heart, solar plexus, sacral, root.

........

Look, says Arthur. Isn't that Lauren's Kombi?

Sweezus pays no attention. It's difficult riding with Farky tucked under one arm.

At first he tried with Farky facing forwards. Too much licking.

Now he has Farky facing in a southerly direction. It's worse. Too much tail.

They draw level with the Kombi.

No head emerges. Just  a faint smell of incense, that's all.

And a gentle almost imperceptible vibration, which is Gaius's psychic energy being channelled through each of the nodes in his subtle body.

At this point in time, Lauren has reached his root chakra.

Gaius is extremely relaxed.

This is karma, says Sweezus. The van being here. Got any string?

Arthur feels in his pocket:

knitting needles, dirty white Russian feathers, a package

and further down

a tangle of string.

Yes, says Arthur. It's gone a bit green though. It's from Esperance.

And it's mouldy, says Sweezus. And it stinks.

Good time to use it, says Arthur.

They tie the dog to the Kombi, and head off towards Adelaide.

Farky looks like a dog that has found paradise and lost it.

He howls.

The Reiki stops abruptly.

Into The Startled Arms

Twenty minutes later, Lauren Swales arrives, in a faded blue Kombi.

Cool van! says Sweezus.

It's Bob's, says Lauren. I mean, Surfing-With-Whales.

How's he going? asks Sweezus.

Good, says Lauren. He's been helping me out in the shop. Import and export.

Arthur is peering in the window. A large dog peers out.

Woof Woof!

Shut up Farky! says Lauren.

Farky! says Sweezus. No WAY!

No, says Lauren. It's not him. We named him after your Farky.

But try telling that to Farky.

Farky leaps about inside the Kombi as though being stung by ten bees.

Lauren lets him out.

He leaps into the startled arms of Sweezus.

Well, says Gaius. Hello Lauren. Did I hear a mention of pizza?

Gaius! says Lauren. Here's me ignoring you! Let me find it.

She opens an esky crammed full of small packages.

All for me? asks Gaius, in an attempt to be jocular.

No, says Lauren. The pizza is down at the bottom.

She starts pulling out packages, some of which smell aromatic.

Arthur picks one up and sniffs it. Somehow it falls into his pocket.

Stop it Farky! says Sweezus. Stop licking me!

Farky loves Sweezus, but he is not the old Farky.

He hasn't had four knee reconstructions.

Sweezus puts him down. He bounds around madly.

Here we are, says Lauren. The pizza. I remembered you don't like tomato.

Dear lady, says Gaius. You're a gem amongst women.

He bites into the ham and pineapple pizza with no tomato. Cold but delicious.

Shall we get going ? asks Lauren. I want to get to Adelaide before the shops shut.

Certainly, says Gaius. How do I get in?

Step up, says Lauren. Easy does it. Would you boys like to finish the pizza?

Thanks, Mrs Swales, says Sweezus.

Lauren drives off, without a backward look at Farky.

Makes you wonder..... but oh, surely not.

Gaius leans back into the comfortable upholstery.

So you had concussion? says Lauren. What happened?

I was brought down by echinoids, says Gaius. trying again to be jocular.

Oh yes, says Lauren, It's an epidemic. Have you tried cold and flu tablets?

No, no, says Gaius. Fossils. Bryozoans.

Not a brand I've heard of, says Lauren. Must be new. But anyway, I've got something much better. Try one of these.

Gaius's interest is mildly stimulated. What is she going to give him?

He opens the package.

Good grief! Lava balls!

It's a Chakra bracelet, says Lauren. It'll heal you. Put it on.

But there is NO WAY that Gaius is going to allow lava balls near his chakras.