Right, says Gaius. Now for the Emu Bay Shale. I assume everyone's coming?
I am, says Terence.
Good, says Sweezus. We're going surfing, me and Arthur.
Oh. Will you be long? asks Gaius.
Couple of days, says Sweezus. Hanson Bay's on the other side of the island.
Hanson's? says Louisa. You're brave.
You know it? asks Arthur.
You bet I do, says Louisa. The Hanson Bay spookys.
Spookys! says Terence. Can I come?
If you want to drown, says Sweezus.
First I want to learn the trumpet, says Terence.
I'll teach you, says Louisa. Give me back my trumpet.
Why? says Terence, attempting a last fruitless blow.
Because says Louisa, you do lessons one and two without the trumpet.
How interesting, says Gaius. What are the lessons? No, never mind. I won't be distracted. Shu, I'll need you to come with me, seeing Arthur is busy.
I'd prefer to go surfing with Arthur, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.
Well you might, says Gaius. But I must have a right hand man, preferably one with initiative.
I have little initiative, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. I'm a poet.
Louisa looks at him shrewdly.
I knew you weren't David Suzuki, says Louisa. And I wasted all last night practising.
The kangaroo music, says Terence. I want my lesson!
Okay, say the letter M, says Louisa, and stop at the 'mmm' part. Keep your lips in that position.
Terence says: Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Before you go, Arthur, says Gaius. The Swiss Army knife would be handy.
Arthur reaches into his pocket.
Arthur will need it more than you will, says Louisa. Believe me.
Gaius resigns himself to the fact.
At least let me sharpen my pencils, says Gaius.
Now what? says Terence.
You stopped, says Louisa. Start 'mmm'ing again. Keep your lips in that position and blow a buzzing sound.
Terence can't figure out how to make a buzzing sound while he's 'mmm' ing.
Trumpet playing is hard.
Okay, lesson two, says Louisa. Pretend there's a small piece of paper on the tip of your tongue. Stick your tongue out. Just a little bit. Spit the paper away. Your lips should catch each other and make a buzzing sound.
It's far too tempting not to try it.
Sweezus, Arthur, Shu and Gaius perform promising raspberries.
Phrrrrrrrrrrt! etc.
Terence is the only one who can't do it.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Kangaroo Music
Gaius, Arthur and Sweezus are sitting on the balcony of the best Seafront room in the Penneshaw Hotel, overlooking Backstairs Passage.
They are eating a complementary breakfast and watching out for the ferry.
This is pleasant, says Gaius. But while I appreciate the generosity of the Kangaroo Island community.....
I know, says Arthur. You feel uncomfortable.
I do, says Gaius. I much prefer camping.
Here comes the ferry, says Sweezus.
They finish their breakfast and go down to meet the ferry.
.......
On the ferry:
Terence: Look! Look! We're landing!
Ssü-K'ung Shu: What a large crowd of people!
Terence: I can see Sweezus!
Ssü-K'ung Shu: There's Arthur!
Terence: There's a band playing kangaroo music!
......
The passengers pour off the ferry, to the sound of jerky music.
The sort of music that shouldn't be played on a trumpet.
One or two of the passengers think they recognise the tune. I'm Turning Japanese. Remember that? From the eighties? It was a good one.
But Mayor Clements is sorry he allowed it.
He keeps an eye on the gangplank for David Suzuki. He should know what he looks like.
Arthur moves forward to greet an older man, and an infant.
The older man hugs Arthur.
The infant rushes to wrap his stiff little arms around Sweezus's knees.
Gaius makes his way over to where Mayor Clements is standing.
Mayor Clements, begins Gaius, I must thank you for your kindness.
The pencil sharpener? says Mayor Clements. Don't mention it.
And the room, says Gaius. Quite luxurious. In fact, unnecessarily so.
Don't mention that either, says Mayor Clements.
And the musical welcomes, says Gaius. On consecutive days. Extraordinary!
I agree with you there, says Mayor Clements. I do hope your colleague won't find it offensive.
Gaius has no suspicion that the music might be offensive.
Not at all, says Gaius. There he is. He does not look offended.
Ssü-K'ung Shu looks anything but offended, now that he is reunited with Arthur.
Is that him? asks Mayor Clements. He looks different in his photos.
No, no, says Gaius. He looks the same. Shall I introduce you?
Please, says Mayor Clements.
Gaius leads him over.
This is... begins Gaius.
Shu, says Arthur quickly. This is the mayor of Kangaroo Island, Mayor Clements.
I'm honoured, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.
I too am honoured, Mr Suzuki, says Mayor Clements.
Please call me Shu, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. Many people get my name wrong.
( They do. But the mayor takes the cake with Ssü-Z'u Kee ).
Well, now that you're here Mr Shu, we hope you will enjoy our hospitality. Along with Gaius of course. And perhaps you'll honour us with a talk at the end of your stay, says Mayor Clements.
Certainly, says Ssü-K'iung Shu. I should be happy to.
The band has finally stopped playing I'm Turning Japanese. Louisa comes over.
Hello, Mr Shu, says Louisa. Welcome to Kangaroo Island. I'm Louisa.
Pleased to meet you, Louisa, says Shu.
Well done, Louisa, says Mayor Clements. A difficult choice of music.
I LOVE kangaroo music, says Terence. Can I blow your trumpet?
Sure, says Louisa. She gives Terence the trumpet.
How cute he looks, holding a trumpet.
But when he blows, nothing happens.
They are eating a complementary breakfast and watching out for the ferry.
This is pleasant, says Gaius. But while I appreciate the generosity of the Kangaroo Island community.....
I know, says Arthur. You feel uncomfortable.
I do, says Gaius. I much prefer camping.
Here comes the ferry, says Sweezus.
They finish their breakfast and go down to meet the ferry.
.......
On the ferry:
Terence: Look! Look! We're landing!
Ssü-K'ung Shu: What a large crowd of people!
Terence: I can see Sweezus!
Ssü-K'ung Shu: There's Arthur!
Terence: There's a band playing kangaroo music!
......
The passengers pour off the ferry, to the sound of jerky music.
The sort of music that shouldn't be played on a trumpet.
One or two of the passengers think they recognise the tune. I'm Turning Japanese. Remember that? From the eighties? It was a good one.
But Mayor Clements is sorry he allowed it.
He keeps an eye on the gangplank for David Suzuki. He should know what he looks like.
Arthur moves forward to greet an older man, and an infant.
The older man hugs Arthur.
The infant rushes to wrap his stiff little arms around Sweezus's knees.
Gaius makes his way over to where Mayor Clements is standing.
Mayor Clements, begins Gaius, I must thank you for your kindness.
The pencil sharpener? says Mayor Clements. Don't mention it.
And the room, says Gaius. Quite luxurious. In fact, unnecessarily so.
Don't mention that either, says Mayor Clements.
And the musical welcomes, says Gaius. On consecutive days. Extraordinary!
I agree with you there, says Mayor Clements. I do hope your colleague won't find it offensive.
Gaius has no suspicion that the music might be offensive.
Not at all, says Gaius. There he is. He does not look offended.
Ssü-K'ung Shu looks anything but offended, now that he is reunited with Arthur.
Is that him? asks Mayor Clements. He looks different in his photos.
No, no, says Gaius. He looks the same. Shall I introduce you?
Please, says Mayor Clements.
Gaius leads him over.
This is... begins Gaius.
Shu, says Arthur quickly. This is the mayor of Kangaroo Island, Mayor Clements.
I'm honoured, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.
I too am honoured, Mr Suzuki, says Mayor Clements.
Please call me Shu, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. Many people get my name wrong.
( They do. But the mayor takes the cake with Ssü-Z'u Kee ).
Well, now that you're here Mr Shu, we hope you will enjoy our hospitality. Along with Gaius of course. And perhaps you'll honour us with a talk at the end of your stay, says Mayor Clements.
Certainly, says Ssü-K'iung Shu. I should be happy to.
The band has finally stopped playing I'm Turning Japanese. Louisa comes over.
Hello, Mr Shu, says Louisa. Welcome to Kangaroo Island. I'm Louisa.
Pleased to meet you, Louisa, says Shu.
Well done, Louisa, says Mayor Clements. A difficult choice of music.
I LOVE kangaroo music, says Terence. Can I blow your trumpet?
Sure, says Louisa. She gives Terence the trumpet.
How cute he looks, holding a trumpet.
But when he blows, nothing happens.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Too Small To Be Jacques Cousteau
So they'll be arriving tomorrow? says Arthur.
I guess, says Sweezus.
Who's this? asks Gaius.
Ssü-K'ung Shu and Terence, says Sweezus.
We could do without Terence, says Gaius. But Ssü-K'ung Shu will make himself useful.
Yes, says Arthur. Very useful.
How come? says Sweezus.
Another famous ecologist, says Arthur.
Oh, which one? asks Louisa.
Suzuki, says Arthur.
Sweezus stifles a snort with a cough.
I thought he said Shu-Kung-Shu, says Louisa.
That's his nickname, says Arthur. Who are you?
Louisa, says Louisa. I was in the band. I played the trumpet.
So we'll see you tomorrow, says Arthur, when the ferry comes in. Try playing something Japanese this time.
Too easy, says Louisa.
What a confident girl.
She goes up the steps, whistling I'm Turning Japanese.
Arthur, says Sweezus. What the fuck?
We might as well milk it, says Arthur. Two famous ecologists. Better than one. Pity Terence is too small to be Jacques Cousteau.
And too alive, says Sweezus. And not French either. Arthur you're nuts, but...
But what? says Arthur.
Gaius has been only half listening. He's been thinking about Redlichii trilobites and their possible relation to the Ediacaran biota. He looks up.
So Shu is arriving tomorrow, says Gaius. Excellent news. We must stay in Penneshaw over night so we can greet him. Arthur, will you .... oh wait, did you get me that pencil sharpener?
Better than that, says Arthur, taking the Swiss Army Knife from his pocket.
It has screwdrivers! And a can opener! How generous of Mayor Clements! says Gaius. I must remember to thank him.
No need. I did that already, says Arthur.
I guess, says Sweezus.
Who's this? asks Gaius.
Ssü-K'ung Shu and Terence, says Sweezus.
We could do without Terence, says Gaius. But Ssü-K'ung Shu will make himself useful.
Yes, says Arthur. Very useful.
How come? says Sweezus.
Another famous ecologist, says Arthur.
Oh, which one? asks Louisa.
Suzuki, says Arthur.
Sweezus stifles a snort with a cough.
I thought he said Shu-Kung-Shu, says Louisa.
That's his nickname, says Arthur. Who are you?
Louisa, says Louisa. I was in the band. I played the trumpet.
So we'll see you tomorrow, says Arthur, when the ferry comes in. Try playing something Japanese this time.
Too easy, says Louisa.
What a confident girl.
She goes up the steps, whistling I'm Turning Japanese.
Arthur, says Sweezus. What the fuck?
We might as well milk it, says Arthur. Two famous ecologists. Better than one. Pity Terence is too small to be Jacques Cousteau.
And too alive, says Sweezus. And not French either. Arthur you're nuts, but...
But what? says Arthur.
Gaius has been only half listening. He's been thinking about Redlichii trilobites and their possible relation to the Ediacaran biota. He looks up.
So Shu is arriving tomorrow, says Gaius. Excellent news. We must stay in Penneshaw over night so we can greet him. Arthur, will you .... oh wait, did you get me that pencil sharpener?
Better than that, says Arthur, taking the Swiss Army Knife from his pocket.
It has screwdrivers! And a can opener! How generous of Mayor Clements! says Gaius. I must remember to thank him.
No need. I did that already, says Arthur.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
I Will Bring Him a Pig
In the mayoral office, Mayor Clements opens his drawer.
Help yourself, says Mayor Clements.
He means: to a pencil sharpener.
But there are other things in the drawer besides pencil sharpeners.
While Mayor Clements answers a phone call, Arthur helps himself to a Swiss Army knife.
.........
Bay Terrace overlooks Hog Bay.
Sweezus and Gaius are waiting for Arthur.
Let's wait on the sand, says Gaius.
They go down. Soon a school band member approaches. (Louisa, who played the Marseillaise on the trumpet).
Hi, says Sweezus. You a local?
Yes, says Louisa. I am.
Nice place, says Sweezus. How come they call it Hog Bay?
It's named after some pigs that were released here by Nicholas Baudin, says Louisa. You know who he was?
Nup, says Sweezus.
Just then his phone rings. He answers. It's Vello.
Vello: Thank goodness!
Sweezus: What for?
Vello: You answered. Now listen. Terence has found out you're on Kangaroo Island.
Sweezus: I thought I'd told him.
Vello: He claims you didn't. He wants to join you, and Ssü-K'ung Shu's volunteered to deliver him.
Sweezus: It's not that convenient. We're planning on surfing somewhere mega-dangerous.
Vello: I thought you were supposed to be practising your lines for Candide.
Sweezus: Yeah, in the evenings.....so, I'll be heaps busy. Tell Terence I'll bring him a present. A pig, or a ......
Vello: Too late. They're on their way.
Sweezus: Sheesh!
Gaius is talking to Louisa.
Gaius: Yes, that's where we'll be going. The Emu Bay Shale. Do you know it?
Louisa: Oh yes. It's a geological formation with a major fossil bed with soft tissue preservation, one of only two in the world containing Redlichiid trilobites.
Gaius: Splendid!
Sweezus sees Arthur approaching. Arthur won't like what's coming.
Guess what! says Sweezus. Shu's coming over, and bringing Terence. What a bugger!
He expects Arthur to agree that it will be a bugger.
But Arthur has a different opinion.
Help yourself, says Mayor Clements.
He means: to a pencil sharpener.
But there are other things in the drawer besides pencil sharpeners.
While Mayor Clements answers a phone call, Arthur helps himself to a Swiss Army knife.
.........
Bay Terrace overlooks Hog Bay.
Sweezus and Gaius are waiting for Arthur.
Let's wait on the sand, says Gaius.
They go down. Soon a school band member approaches. (Louisa, who played the Marseillaise on the trumpet).
Hi, says Sweezus. You a local?
Yes, says Louisa. I am.
Nice place, says Sweezus. How come they call it Hog Bay?
It's named after some pigs that were released here by Nicholas Baudin, says Louisa. You know who he was?
Nup, says Sweezus.
Just then his phone rings. He answers. It's Vello.
Vello: Thank goodness!
Sweezus: What for?
Vello: You answered. Now listen. Terence has found out you're on Kangaroo Island.
Sweezus: I thought I'd told him.
Vello: He claims you didn't. He wants to join you, and Ssü-K'ung Shu's volunteered to deliver him.
Sweezus: It's not that convenient. We're planning on surfing somewhere mega-dangerous.
Vello: I thought you were supposed to be practising your lines for Candide.
Sweezus: Yeah, in the evenings.....so, I'll be heaps busy. Tell Terence I'll bring him a present. A pig, or a ......
Vello: Too late. They're on their way.
Sweezus: Sheesh!
Gaius is talking to Louisa.
Gaius: Yes, that's where we'll be going. The Emu Bay Shale. Do you know it?
Louisa: Oh yes. It's a geological formation with a major fossil bed with soft tissue preservation, one of only two in the world containing Redlichiid trilobites.
Gaius: Splendid!
Sweezus sees Arthur approaching. Arthur won't like what's coming.
He expects Arthur to agree that it will be a bugger.
But Arthur has a different opinion.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
The Ecologist's Hat
Mayor Clements spots Gaius immediately.
Oh yes, that's him.
He recognises Gaius from the Wikipedia portrait, which Mayor Clements has prudently googled.
The local school band starts to play.
De-der de DER DER der DER DER de-der......
What is it ? It sounds like the French Marseillaise.
Welcome to KI! says Mayor Clements, as Gaius descends the gangplank.
Thank you, says Gaius. I wasn't expecting a welcome.
It's not every day Kangaroo Island plays host to three eminent ecologists, says Mayor Clements.
Three? says Gaius. They are hardly.... well, it's most kind.
Where are the other two gentlemen? asks Mayor Clements.
Here, behind me says Gaius, turning round.
But Sweezus and Arthur are back somewhere retrieving the bicycles and surfboards, and cannot be located.
Is that the Marseillaise I'm hearing? asks Gaius.
Dear me, yes, says Mayor Clements. Our band leader searched the internet, but couldn't discover the music to the Roman national anthem.
There isn't one, says Gaius. Perhaps he didn't realise that Rome is a city.
Yes of course, says Mayor Clements. So we decided on the Marseillaise, as a second choice, to honour Jacques Cousteau. We thought David Suzuki would appreciate it too, being Canadian.
Gaius is puzzled, but too polite to say so. Besides, he likes the Marseillaise as much as anyone.
Sweezus and Arthur appear, wheeling three bikes, and balancing two surfboards.
Here they are now, says Gaius.
Ha ha, laughs Mayor Clements. I don't think so.
This welcome is for me, boys, says Gaius. And the band is playing the Marseillaise because they wish to honour Jacques Cousteau and David Suzuki.
Who should be here too, but appear not to be, says Mayor Clements.
They'll be along tomorrow, says Arthur. On the ferry. Tomorrow. Didn't their people tell you?
No, says Mayor Clements. Tomorrow you say?
This is good news, says Gaius.
If you say so, says Mayor Clements. I assume you'll be staying in Penneshaw?
No, says Gaius. I shall be heading straight for the Emu Bay Shale, your Cambrian fossil site.
Not the usual destination for an ecologist, says Mayor Clements.
I wear many hats, says Gaius. Thank you for the welcome, but we must be on our way. Work to do. Which reminds me, is there anywhere we might obtain a pencil sharpener?
My office has a drawer full, says Mayor Clements. Send one of your boys over.
Arthur, says Gaius. You go.
Arthur goes off with Mayor Clements, to pick up a sharpener.
Sweezus waits on Bay Terrace with Gaius.
David Suzuki, says Gaius. I haven't seen him since Paris.
Yeah? says Sweezus. How did he look?
Quite chipper, says Gaius.
Ever met Jacques Cousteau? asks Sweezus.
No, says Gaius. I didn't realise he was still... er...about....but if he's coming tomorrow, he must be.
Yes, he must be.
Sweezus suspects Arthur hasn't thought out how to deal with that problem.
Oh yes, that's him.
He recognises Gaius from the Wikipedia portrait, which Mayor Clements has prudently googled.
The local school band starts to play.
De-der de DER DER der DER DER de-der......
What is it ? It sounds like the French Marseillaise.
Welcome to KI! says Mayor Clements, as Gaius descends the gangplank.
Thank you, says Gaius. I wasn't expecting a welcome.
It's not every day Kangaroo Island plays host to three eminent ecologists, says Mayor Clements.
Three? says Gaius. They are hardly.... well, it's most kind.
Where are the other two gentlemen? asks Mayor Clements.
Here, behind me says Gaius, turning round.
But Sweezus and Arthur are back somewhere retrieving the bicycles and surfboards, and cannot be located.
Is that the Marseillaise I'm hearing? asks Gaius.
Dear me, yes, says Mayor Clements. Our band leader searched the internet, but couldn't discover the music to the Roman national anthem.
There isn't one, says Gaius. Perhaps he didn't realise that Rome is a city.
Yes of course, says Mayor Clements. So we decided on the Marseillaise, as a second choice, to honour Jacques Cousteau. We thought David Suzuki would appreciate it too, being Canadian.
Gaius is puzzled, but too polite to say so. Besides, he likes the Marseillaise as much as anyone.
Sweezus and Arthur appear, wheeling three bikes, and balancing two surfboards.
Here they are now, says Gaius.
Ha ha, laughs Mayor Clements. I don't think so.
This welcome is for me, boys, says Gaius. And the band is playing the Marseillaise because they wish to honour Jacques Cousteau and David Suzuki.
Who should be here too, but appear not to be, says Mayor Clements.
They'll be along tomorrow, says Arthur. On the ferry. Tomorrow. Didn't their people tell you?
No, says Mayor Clements. Tomorrow you say?
This is good news, says Gaius.
If you say so, says Mayor Clements. I assume you'll be staying in Penneshaw?
No, says Gaius. I shall be heading straight for the Emu Bay Shale, your Cambrian fossil site.
Not the usual destination for an ecologist, says Mayor Clements.
I wear many hats, says Gaius. Thank you for the welcome, but we must be on our way. Work to do. Which reminds me, is there anywhere we might obtain a pencil sharpener?
My office has a drawer full, says Mayor Clements. Send one of your boys over.
Arthur, says Gaius. You go.
Arthur goes off with Mayor Clements, to pick up a sharpener.
Sweezus waits on Bay Terrace with Gaius.
David Suzuki, says Gaius. I haven't seen him since Paris.
Yeah? says Sweezus. How did he look?
Quite chipper, says Gaius.
Ever met Jacques Cousteau? asks Sweezus.
No, says Gaius. I didn't realise he was still... er...about....but if he's coming tomorrow, he must be.
Yes, he must be.
Sweezus suspects Arthur hasn't thought out how to deal with that problem.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
The Ferry To Suicide Bay
On the Sealink ferry to Kangaroo Island.
Gaius is trying to prise the lid off his tin.
Sweezus and Arthur are leaning on a railing, talking into the wind.
How come Gaius owes you three hundred? asks Sweezus.
For the tickets, says Arthur. You, me, him.
You paid? says Sweezus.
Um, not exactly, says Arthur. We got free tickets. They think we're ecologists.
We kind of are, says Sweezus.
Famous ecologists, says Arthur.
Go on, says Sweezus. Which ones?
David Suzuki and Jacques Cousteau, says Arthur. I never thought they'd believe it.
Which one's me? asks Sweezus. No don't tell me. Suzuki? Shit. Do I look Chinese?
He's not Chinese, says Arthur. He's Japanese Canadian. And you look Canadian. I'm French, so I have to be Jacques Cousteau.
You're a DEAD guy! says Sweezus. Man, if Jacques Cousteau was alive he'd be over a hundred!
Merde! says Arthur. What if I can't pull it off?
Sweezus appraises the seventeen year old Arthur.
Hm.
But who's to know, anyway? says Arthur. We'll be off surfing at Suicide Bay.
Yeah, says Sweezus. That's a fact. And look on the bright side.
What? says Arthur .
We've got money, says Sweezus.
Theoretically, says Arthur. Gaius hasn't........
At this point Gaius appears behind them, with the cake tin.
Could you get this tin open for me, Arthur? I need a pencil. Thoughts are escaping me.
Arthur whacks the tin hard on the railing.
The lid comes off all too easily. The pencils spill onto the deck. One rolls into the churning blue waters of Investigator Strait.
Sorry, says Arthur.
Not at all, says Gaius. I still have five. That's two more than I started off with.
Sweezus looks at the five remaining HB pencils
You need a sharpener, says Sweezus.
Arthur will find one, when we dock, says Gaius with confidence.
The Sealink ferry docks at the Penneshaw terminal.
Time to disembark.
There seems to be a crowd on the jetty.
Waving cameras, holding up welcome signs..
A person dressed in mayoral robes stands at the end of the gangway.
Who are they waiting for?
Gaius is trying to prise the lid off his tin.
Sweezus and Arthur are leaning on a railing, talking into the wind.
How come Gaius owes you three hundred? asks Sweezus.
For the tickets, says Arthur. You, me, him.
You paid? says Sweezus.
Um, not exactly, says Arthur. We got free tickets. They think we're ecologists.
We kind of are, says Sweezus.
Famous ecologists, says Arthur.
Go on, says Sweezus. Which ones?
David Suzuki and Jacques Cousteau, says Arthur. I never thought they'd believe it.
Which one's me? asks Sweezus. No don't tell me. Suzuki? Shit. Do I look Chinese?
He's not Chinese, says Arthur. He's Japanese Canadian. And you look Canadian. I'm French, so I have to be Jacques Cousteau.
You're a DEAD guy! says Sweezus. Man, if Jacques Cousteau was alive he'd be over a hundred!
Merde! says Arthur. What if I can't pull it off?
Sweezus appraises the seventeen year old Arthur.
Hm.
But who's to know, anyway? says Arthur. We'll be off surfing at Suicide Bay.
Yeah, says Sweezus. That's a fact. And look on the bright side.
What? says Arthur .
We've got money, says Sweezus.
Theoretically, says Arthur. Gaius hasn't........
At this point Gaius appears behind them, with the cake tin.
Could you get this tin open for me, Arthur? I need a pencil. Thoughts are escaping me.
Arthur whacks the tin hard on the railing.
The lid comes off all too easily. The pencils spill onto the deck. One rolls into the churning blue waters of Investigator Strait.
Sorry, says Arthur.
Not at all, says Gaius. I still have five. That's two more than I started off with.
Sweezus looks at the five remaining HB pencils
You need a sharpener, says Sweezus.
Arthur will find one, when we dock, says Gaius with confidence.
The Sealink ferry docks at the Penneshaw terminal.
Time to disembark.
There seems to be a crowd on the jetty.
Waving cameras, holding up welcome signs..
A person dressed in mayoral robes stands at the end of the gangway.
Who are they waiting for?
Monday, January 25, 2016
If You're Feeling Immortal
Gaius's front door is open.
Arthur goes in.
Gaius is busy trying to fit three sharp new HB pencils into a cake tin.
They are just slightly too long.
Arthur! There you are! Have you booked the tickets? asks Gaius.
Yes, says Arthur. Tickets for me, you and Sweezus on the Sealink ferry. Plus three bikes and two surfboards.
Well done, How much did that cost? asks Gaius.
Three hundred and ninety two dollars, says Arthur.
Jupiter's testicles! Daylight robbery! says Gaius.
Arthur looks down at his shoe.
I'm not paying that, says Gaius. Surely you could get some sort of science research-based discount.
Give me a minute, says Arthur.
He takes out his phone.
Sealink? says Arthur loudly.
No it's me, Sweezus, says Sweezus.
I've just booked three returns on the Sealink from Cape Jervis for tomorrow, says Arthur. I now realise I ought to have asked for a discount.
What the fuck for? says Sweezus. We're not geriatrics.
Yes, says Arthur. One of our party is a well known ecologist, doing important research. Gaius Plinius Secundus.
I know, you idiot, says Sweezus.
Thank you, so he travels free, does he? says Arthur. So that's ninety four dollars off. Will you do the adjustment? Thanks very much.
I don't get it, says Sweezus.
You don't need to, says Arthur, ending the call.
Well done, Arthur, says Gaius. Free travel for being an ecologist. Lucky you thought of it. You should have said you were one too.
No, that's all right, says Arthur. Honesty is the best policy. So you owe me three hundred and ninety two dollars less ninety four. Whatever that is.
Two ninety eight, says Gaius. I shall round it up to three hundred. You deserve it. I'll give it to you when I've been to the ATM. Now could you please help me get these pesky pencils into this cake tin.
They're too long, says Arthur.
He breaks them in half.
Now they fit the tin nicely. Six short pencils with splintery ends.
.........
Next day, at the Sealink terminal, Cape Jervis.
Here we are, says Midge. Everyone out.
Thanks for the lift, Midge, says Sweezus.
No worries says Midge. Wish I was coming with you. Surfing's meant to be awesome over there. Try Stokes Bay. And if there's not enough swell try Hansen Bay, but only if you're feeling immortal.
Thanks for the heads up, says Sweezus.
He and Arthur unload the surfboards and bikes and join Gaius at the Terminal.
Wait here. I'll pick up the tickets, says Arthur.
He heads over to the ticket office.
Tickets for Gaius Plinius Secundus and party, says Arthur.
Yes, here you are, says the ticket lady. Three free tickets. Is that him over there? And that chap with him, is that David Suzuki? He looks taller than I expected. And not all that Asian. Oops, ha ha, shouldn't say things like that! And so you must be Jacques Cousteau. Wow! You look so young! That's what sea water does for you. What a coup for the Sealink, and Kangaroo Island. Have a good trip, you and your colleagues.
Thanks, says Arthur. We will.
He rejoins Gaius and Sweezus in time to overhear Gaius say:
...so reliable. Which reminds me, I still owe him three hundred dollars.....
Arthur goes in.
Gaius is busy trying to fit three sharp new HB pencils into a cake tin.
They are just slightly too long.
Arthur! There you are! Have you booked the tickets? asks Gaius.
Yes, says Arthur. Tickets for me, you and Sweezus on the Sealink ferry. Plus three bikes and two surfboards.
Well done, How much did that cost? asks Gaius.
Three hundred and ninety two dollars, says Arthur.
Jupiter's testicles! Daylight robbery! says Gaius.
Arthur looks down at his shoe.
I'm not paying that, says Gaius. Surely you could get some sort of science research-based discount.
Give me a minute, says Arthur.
He takes out his phone.
Sealink? says Arthur loudly.
No it's me, Sweezus, says Sweezus.
I've just booked three returns on the Sealink from Cape Jervis for tomorrow, says Arthur. I now realise I ought to have asked for a discount.
What the fuck for? says Sweezus. We're not geriatrics.
Yes, says Arthur. One of our party is a well known ecologist, doing important research. Gaius Plinius Secundus.
I know, you idiot, says Sweezus.
Thank you, so he travels free, does he? says Arthur. So that's ninety four dollars off. Will you do the adjustment? Thanks very much.
I don't get it, says Sweezus.
You don't need to, says Arthur, ending the call.
Well done, Arthur, says Gaius. Free travel for being an ecologist. Lucky you thought of it. You should have said you were one too.
No, that's all right, says Arthur. Honesty is the best policy. So you owe me three hundred and ninety two dollars less ninety four. Whatever that is.
Two ninety eight, says Gaius. I shall round it up to three hundred. You deserve it. I'll give it to you when I've been to the ATM. Now could you please help me get these pesky pencils into this cake tin.
They're too long, says Arthur.
He breaks them in half.
Now they fit the tin nicely. Six short pencils with splintery ends.
.........
Next day, at the Sealink terminal, Cape Jervis.
Here we are, says Midge. Everyone out.
Thanks for the lift, Midge, says Sweezus.
No worries says Midge. Wish I was coming with you. Surfing's meant to be awesome over there. Try Stokes Bay. And if there's not enough swell try Hansen Bay, but only if you're feeling immortal.
Thanks for the heads up, says Sweezus.
He and Arthur unload the surfboards and bikes and join Gaius at the Terminal.
Wait here. I'll pick up the tickets, says Arthur.
He heads over to the ticket office.
Tickets for Gaius Plinius Secundus and party, says Arthur.
Yes, here you are, says the ticket lady. Three free tickets. Is that him over there? And that chap with him, is that David Suzuki? He looks taller than I expected. And not all that Asian. Oops, ha ha, shouldn't say things like that! And so you must be Jacques Cousteau. Wow! You look so young! That's what sea water does for you. What a coup for the Sealink, and Kangaroo Island. Have a good trip, you and your colleagues.
Thanks, says Arthur. We will.
He rejoins Gaius and Sweezus in time to overhear Gaius say:
...so reliable. Which reminds me, I still owe him three hundred dollars.....
Sunday, January 24, 2016
From Fwoooof......To Rocket
Stage Six. The final Street Circuit in the Tour Down Under.
Caleb Ewan wins the stage. The pocket rocket.
Simon Gerrans wins the Tour Down Under for the fourth time.
Is this remarkable or becoming tedious?
And does anybody care......
The giant inflatable bicycle in Victoria Square fwoooofs down slowly.
Fwoooooof.........
..........
Next day ( today):
Right, says Gaius, Arthur, I'm waiting for an answer.
I'll come with you, says Arthur.
Good man, says Gaius. Find out how we get tickets for the ferry.
........
In the Velosophy office, later.
Sweezus (answering the phone): Yep?
Arthur: I'm going to Kangaroo Island with Gaius, on the ferry.
Sweezus: Whaaa! You must be joking!
Arthur: Why?
Sweezus: Why pay MONEY to go surfing?
Arthur: I don't think we'll be surfing. He wants to look for fossils.
Sweezus: Fossils ! Cool!
Arthur: You think so?
Sweezus: Yeah I think so.
Arthur: You should come too.
Sweezus: I'll have to tee it up with the boss first. He's starting rehearsals.
Arthur: What for?
Sweezus: Candide again, would you believe? His Fringe show.
Arthur: He's done Candide three years in a row!
Sweezus: Tell me about it. Yeah anyhow, I'll talk to him. I'll let you know.
........
At lunch time:
Vello and David enter the office.
Any sandwiches? asks Vello.
Is that you papa? says Belle et Bonne. There were, but Sweezie ate them. I'll order up some more.
( What a bad start this is )
Sweezus: A-hum. Err...
Vello: Spit it out man.
Sweezus: About next week......
Vello: Rehearsals yes. Are you ready? You'll have to play Candide this year. I'm too old.
Sweezus: What do you reckon if I took the week off to practice my lines in... err... the country?
David: That sounds nice.
Vello: What part of the country?
Sweezus: Kangaroo Island.
Vello: Ah! With Gaius! Yes, dear boy. Of course you must go.
At this point Belle et Bonne comes in with a box of salmon and rocket sandwiches.
Life is good. Sweezus takes the first one.
Caleb Ewan wins the stage. The pocket rocket.
Simon Gerrans wins the Tour Down Under for the fourth time.
Is this remarkable or becoming tedious?
And does anybody care......
The giant inflatable bicycle in Victoria Square fwoooofs down slowly.
Fwoooooof.........
..........
Next day ( today):
Right, says Gaius, Arthur, I'm waiting for an answer.
I'll come with you, says Arthur.
Good man, says Gaius. Find out how we get tickets for the ferry.
........
In the Velosophy office, later.
Sweezus (answering the phone): Yep?
Arthur: I'm going to Kangaroo Island with Gaius, on the ferry.
Sweezus: Whaaa! You must be joking!
Arthur: Why?
Sweezus: Why pay MONEY to go surfing?
Arthur: I don't think we'll be surfing. He wants to look for fossils.
Sweezus: Fossils ! Cool!
Arthur: You think so?
Sweezus: Yeah I think so.
Arthur: You should come too.
Sweezus: I'll have to tee it up with the boss first. He's starting rehearsals.
Arthur: What for?
Sweezus: Candide again, would you believe? His Fringe show.
Arthur: He's done Candide three years in a row!
Sweezus: Tell me about it. Yeah anyhow, I'll talk to him. I'll let you know.
........
At lunch time:
Vello and David enter the office.
Any sandwiches? asks Vello.
Is that you papa? says Belle et Bonne. There were, but Sweezie ate them. I'll order up some more.
( What a bad start this is )
Sweezus: A-hum. Err...
Vello: Spit it out man.
Sweezus: About next week......
Vello: Rehearsals yes. Are you ready? You'll have to play Candide this year. I'm too old.
Sweezus: What do you reckon if I took the week off to practice my lines in... err... the country?
David: That sounds nice.
Vello: What part of the country?
Sweezus: Kangaroo Island.
Vello: Ah! With Gaius! Yes, dear boy. Of course you must go.
At this point Belle et Bonne comes in with a box of salmon and rocket sandwiches.
Life is good. Sweezus takes the first one.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
TDU Legends' Night Dinner - The Thrill Of Such Things
Saturday night. Legends' Night Dinner at the Adelaide Convention Centre.
A sparkling, glamorous night.
Everyone who is anyone, and various others, are there.
Robbie McEwen and Jens Voigt have turned up together.
Anna Meares looks divine in a gold and lace Liza Emanuele gown.
Her Beijing Olympics bike is there too, on display.
This year's Legend is Paolo Bettini. Of course you have heard of the great Paolo Bettini.
He has many amusing stories to tell of his career as a one day race specialist.
Sweezus is sitting next to his date, at one of the tables. It's Belle.
What's wrong, Sweezie? says Belle. You look like the weight of the world's on your shoulders.
Nothing, says Sweezus.
I know, says Terence.
Terence! What's he doing here?
Katherine has brought him. She couldn't get a sitter.
Pablo's date is Marilyn. They sit close together.
Katherine recognises her, from the ukelele fund raiser.
Norma! says Katherine. Still got that wig on?
It's not a wig, says Norma-Marilyn. This is my real hair. Ask Pablo.
Pablo responds by sucking a stray platinum blonde curl coiling under her ear lobe.
She shivers.
So does Katherine, remembering the thrill of such things.
So, tell us what you know Terence, says Vello, winking at David.
He wishes HE was a legend, says Terence.
There is an uncomfortable silence at the table.
Actually, Sweezus is a Legend. The wrong sort of Legend. But no friend dares say so.
Gaius breaks the silence, but not to be helpful.
It's just that thinking of Legends reminds him of fossils.
After the Tour, says Gaius. I intend to go to Kangaroo Island. And I hope, Arthur, that you will not be too busy to come with me.
Arthur is taken aback. He has been hoping that Sweezus would suggest going surfing, but as yet Sweezus hasn't.
Ssü-K'ung Shu waits for the answer.
Arthur appears to be thinking.
Ssü-K'ung Shu jumps the gun.
Are there rocks there? asks Ssü-K'ung Shu.
Are you keen on rocks, Shu? asks Katherine.
More than keen, Katherine, says Shu. I admire their aesthetic qualities. Their zhou, shou, lou and tou.
Oh how clever Chinese is, says Katherine. The rock qualities rhyme.
What are they in English? asks David.
Ahem, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. Uprightness, wrinkles, cracks and holes.
He was just trying to spare your feelings, mother, says David.
David! says Katherine. How much have you had to drink? Don't forget, it's the Street Circuit tomorrow.
Ting Ting!
The Legend is on.
Paolo Bettini and Paul Sherwen sit on stools on the stage wearing grey suits and chat about the time when Paolo known as El Grillo the Cricket, due to his sudden attacks on the road, won gold at the 2004 Athens Olympics and then won the UCI Road World Championships in 2006 and 2007.
Yes, you knew you had heard of him, didn't you.........
What a night.
And it's the final Street Circuit tomorrow.
A sparkling, glamorous night.
Everyone who is anyone, and various others, are there.
Robbie McEwen and Jens Voigt have turned up together.
Anna Meares looks divine in a gold and lace Liza Emanuele gown.
Her Beijing Olympics bike is there too, on display.
This year's Legend is Paolo Bettini. Of course you have heard of the great Paolo Bettini.
He has many amusing stories to tell of his career as a one day race specialist.
Sweezus is sitting next to his date, at one of the tables. It's Belle.
What's wrong, Sweezie? says Belle. You look like the weight of the world's on your shoulders.
Nothing, says Sweezus.
I know, says Terence.
Terence! What's he doing here?
Katherine has brought him. She couldn't get a sitter.
Pablo's date is Marilyn. They sit close together.
Katherine recognises her, from the ukelele fund raiser.
Norma! says Katherine. Still got that wig on?
It's not a wig, says Norma-Marilyn. This is my real hair. Ask Pablo.
Pablo responds by sucking a stray platinum blonde curl coiling under her ear lobe.
She shivers.
So does Katherine, remembering the thrill of such things.
So, tell us what you know Terence, says Vello, winking at David.
He wishes HE was a legend, says Terence.
There is an uncomfortable silence at the table.
Actually, Sweezus is a Legend. The wrong sort of Legend. But no friend dares say so.
Gaius breaks the silence, but not to be helpful.
It's just that thinking of Legends reminds him of fossils.
After the Tour, says Gaius. I intend to go to Kangaroo Island. And I hope, Arthur, that you will not be too busy to come with me.
Arthur is taken aback. He has been hoping that Sweezus would suggest going surfing, but as yet Sweezus hasn't.
Ssü-K'ung Shu waits for the answer.
Arthur appears to be thinking.
Ssü-K'ung Shu jumps the gun.
Are there rocks there? asks Ssü-K'ung Shu.
Are you keen on rocks, Shu? asks Katherine.
More than keen, Katherine, says Shu. I admire their aesthetic qualities. Their zhou, shou, lou and tou.
Oh how clever Chinese is, says Katherine. The rock qualities rhyme.
What are they in English? asks David.
Ahem, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. Uprightness, wrinkles, cracks and holes.
He was just trying to spare your feelings, mother, says David.
David! says Katherine. How much have you had to drink? Don't forget, it's the Street Circuit tomorrow.
Ting Ting!
The Legend is on.
Paolo Bettini and Paul Sherwen sit on stools on the stage wearing grey suits and chat about the time when Paolo known as El Grillo the Cricket, due to his sudden attacks on the road, won gold at the 2004 Athens Olympics and then won the UCI Road World Championships in 2006 and 2007.
Yes, you knew you had heard of him, didn't you.........
What a night.
And it's the final Street Circuit tomorrow.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Stage Five: McLaren Vale to Willunga Hill - Uprightness
The morning is full of storm in the heart of the summer
the clouds travel like white handkerchiefs of goodbye.
Yes, today it is cooler, and Pablo has decided to rejoin the Tour Down Under.
Baby B-B strums his last strum. Ping-ka ping.
Marilyn: We came to the fortunate isles
and lay like fish
under the net of our kisses
Pablo: I am making my words into an endless necklace
for your white hands, smooth as grapes.
Marilyn: Will you ever come back?
Pablo: Of course, it's a circuit.
......
McLaren Vale, later that morning.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: Pablo, I am relieved to see you. Here, have your jersey and knicks back.
Pablo: Thanks, Shu! And thank you for taking my place.
Sweezus: Sheise! Shut the fuck up, guys! Everyone will hear you. Go and change in the toilets.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: Is that more appropriate?
Pablo: Apparently, in this country.
.......
Phil Liggett: Pablo Neruda looks a lot better this morning.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, he's been a bit sluggish the last few days.
Phil Liggett: Probably a tummy upset.
Paul Sherwen: But if so, it wouldn't be due to the wonderful South Australian food we've all been enjoying.
Phil Liggett: No, Paul, of course not.
.......
Gaius: Shu! How's the team building going?
Ssü-K'ung Shu: I have been neglectful, but I am about to resume it. Today I shall derive a lesson from the Willunga escarpment.
Gaius: You have an interest in rocks?
Ssü-K'ung Shu: Certainly. There is much of moral value to be learned from rocks. For example their uprightness.
Gaius: But they lack team spirit and the ability to propel themselves forward,
Ssü-K'ung Shu: What? Oh, a joke. Oh, ha ha ha ha!
Gaius: Good man, Shu. Hardly anyone laughs at my jokes.
.......
Baby B-B is at the start line with Terence and Katherine. She has them both tied to her wrist with two stout lengths of string
Baby B-B: And Marilyn and Pablo were kissing.
Terence: Yuck! Lying down kissing?
Katherine jerks hard on the string.
.......
None of which ( the above) has any effect on the outcome.
......
Bang! The riders pour out of McLaren Vale. They tear through Aldinga and sprint through Snapper Point. Then finish with the hard climb up Willunga Hill, not once but twice. It's gruelling.
The ones who do best are the ones who have not been kissing, but have remained upright, and focussed. Nor have they been making jokes.
Nor have they been jealous, or stopped to fight one another with sticks.
They have probably not composed poetry.
Wait! Yes! But one of them has.
Richie Porte has.
And Richie has won Stage Five two years in a row, already
And Richie Porte wins Stage Five again now.
the clouds travel like white handkerchiefs of goodbye.
Yes, today it is cooler, and Pablo has decided to rejoin the Tour Down Under.
Baby B-B strums his last strum. Ping-ka ping.
Marilyn: We came to the fortunate isles
and lay like fish
under the net of our kisses
Pablo: I am making my words into an endless necklace
for your white hands, smooth as grapes.
Marilyn: Will you ever come back?
Pablo: Of course, it's a circuit.
......
McLaren Vale, later that morning.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: Pablo, I am relieved to see you. Here, have your jersey and knicks back.
Pablo: Thanks, Shu! And thank you for taking my place.
Sweezus: Sheise! Shut the fuck up, guys! Everyone will hear you. Go and change in the toilets.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: Is that more appropriate?
Pablo: Apparently, in this country.
.......
Phil Liggett: Pablo Neruda looks a lot better this morning.
Paul Sherwen: Yes, he's been a bit sluggish the last few days.
Phil Liggett: Probably a tummy upset.
Paul Sherwen: But if so, it wouldn't be due to the wonderful South Australian food we've all been enjoying.
Phil Liggett: No, Paul, of course not.
.......
Gaius: Shu! How's the team building going?
Ssü-K'ung Shu: I have been neglectful, but I am about to resume it. Today I shall derive a lesson from the Willunga escarpment.
Gaius: You have an interest in rocks?
Ssü-K'ung Shu: Certainly. There is much of moral value to be learned from rocks. For example their uprightness.
Gaius: But they lack team spirit and the ability to propel themselves forward,
Ssü-K'ung Shu: What? Oh, a joke. Oh, ha ha ha ha!
Gaius: Good man, Shu. Hardly anyone laughs at my jokes.
.......
Baby B-B is at the start line with Terence and Katherine. She has them both tied to her wrist with two stout lengths of string
Baby B-B: And Marilyn and Pablo were kissing.
Terence: Yuck! Lying down kissing?
Katherine jerks hard on the string.
.......
None of which ( the above) has any effect on the outcome.
......
Bang! The riders pour out of McLaren Vale. They tear through Aldinga and sprint through Snapper Point. Then finish with the hard climb up Willunga Hill, not once but twice. It's gruelling.
The ones who do best are the ones who have not been kissing, but have remained upright, and focussed. Nor have they been making jokes.
Nor have they been jealous, or stopped to fight one another with sticks.
They have probably not composed poetry.
Wait! Yes! But one of them has.
Richie Porte has.
And Richie has won Stage Five two years in a row, already
And Richie Porte wins Stage Five again now.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Stage Four: Norwood to Victor Harbor - Perfection
Bang! The riders set off from Norwood and head for the hills, on their way to Strathalbyn.
It has rained in the night, causing even more humid conditions.
Dries rides steadily, on Schopenhauer's bicycle, ahead of his team mates.
He soon catches up to Gaius who is following Victor.
Dries! says Gaius. Ride with me. How are you enjoying the Tour Down Under?
Dries feels the need to unburden.
Team Condor's a basket case, says Dries. Pablo's gone off with a Marilyn. Ssü-K'ung Shu's only interested in seducing Arthur. Arthur's not trying to stop him. Sweezus is jealous as hell.
I suspect that you're reading it wrong, says Gaius.
Am I the only one who knows it's all pointless? asks Dries.
That's Schopenhauer's bicycle talking, says Gaius. Let me tell you something. Schopenhauer wasn't just a miserable curmudgeon. He was also a Buddhist.
A Buddhist! Dries didn't know that!
Has his bicycle also forgotten?
But it's food for thought all the same. What we think we become.
Gaius and Dries ride on together.
Victor drops back.
I thought you were tailing Gaius, says Dries. And yet you're in front?
I'm extremely competitive, says Victor. All we policemen are. And we all end up in the same place eventually.
How true that is.
Victor pulls ahead again. Dries pedals harder, which is not what the Buddha would do.
Vello and David ride up level with Gaius.
Dries is doing well, says Vello.
I cheered him up, says Gaius.
Cheer us up, says David.
The giant cuttlefish are returning to the Upper Spencer Gulf, says Gaius.
Thank you, Gaius, says Vello. That alone is enough to make us ride faster.
He and David speed up a little, but are soon passed by Ben Swift, Giacomo Nizzolo and Jay McCarthy.
I say, is that Terence I see? says David. Up ahead in the distance?
No, yes, maybe, says Vello. He's a quick little devil. Odd to see him without his pet parrot.
Baby B-B? says David. The little bristle bird. I haven't seen him since the ukelele competition.
Nor me, says Vello. He was good, for a bird with half a finger.
Mm, agrees David. Perhaps he's with mother. I believe she's still got his hover board.
......
(Baby B-B is not with David's mother. He is with Pablo and the prettiest Marilyn. They are in a small private room at the Hilton, practising ukelele and .....another thing. They've been there now for three days.)
.......
Pablo: Marilyn.
Marilyn: Pablo.
Pablo: I want to do with you what spring does to the cherry trees.
Marilyn: Pab....lo....ooh!
Baby B-B (strumming) : Pingka-ping.
.......
Meanwhile the Tour riders are all looking up at the darkening sky.
A storm is coming.
It comes...
.... and it goes.
It's fine for the final dash into Victor Harbor.
Now it's best just to ride fast and win.
Simon Gerrans knows this. It's what he did yesterday.
And does again to perfection today.
It has rained in the night, causing even more humid conditions.
Dries rides steadily, on Schopenhauer's bicycle, ahead of his team mates.
He soon catches up to Gaius who is following Victor.
Dries! says Gaius. Ride with me. How are you enjoying the Tour Down Under?
Dries feels the need to unburden.
Team Condor's a basket case, says Dries. Pablo's gone off with a Marilyn. Ssü-K'ung Shu's only interested in seducing Arthur. Arthur's not trying to stop him. Sweezus is jealous as hell.
I suspect that you're reading it wrong, says Gaius.
Am I the only one who knows it's all pointless? asks Dries.
That's Schopenhauer's bicycle talking, says Gaius. Let me tell you something. Schopenhauer wasn't just a miserable curmudgeon. He was also a Buddhist.
A Buddhist! Dries didn't know that!
Has his bicycle also forgotten?
But it's food for thought all the same. What we think we become.
Gaius and Dries ride on together.
Victor drops back.
I thought you were tailing Gaius, says Dries. And yet you're in front?
I'm extremely competitive, says Victor. All we policemen are. And we all end up in the same place eventually.
How true that is.
Victor pulls ahead again. Dries pedals harder, which is not what the Buddha would do.
Vello and David ride up level with Gaius.
Dries is doing well, says Vello.
I cheered him up, says Gaius.
Cheer us up, says David.
The giant cuttlefish are returning to the Upper Spencer Gulf, says Gaius.
Thank you, Gaius, says Vello. That alone is enough to make us ride faster.
He and David speed up a little, but are soon passed by Ben Swift, Giacomo Nizzolo and Jay McCarthy.
I say, is that Terence I see? says David. Up ahead in the distance?
No, yes, maybe, says Vello. He's a quick little devil. Odd to see him without his pet parrot.
Baby B-B? says David. The little bristle bird. I haven't seen him since the ukelele competition.
Nor me, says Vello. He was good, for a bird with half a finger.
Mm, agrees David. Perhaps he's with mother. I believe she's still got his hover board.
......
(Baby B-B is not with David's mother. He is with Pablo and the prettiest Marilyn. They are in a small private room at the Hilton, practising ukelele and .....another thing. They've been there now for three days.)
.......
Pablo: Marilyn.
Marilyn: Pablo.
Pablo: I want to do with you what spring does to the cherry trees.
Marilyn: Pab....lo....ooh!
Baby B-B (strumming) : Pingka-ping.
.......
Meanwhile the Tour riders are all looking up at the darkening sky.
A storm is coming.
It comes...
.... and it goes.
It's fine for the final dash into Victor Harbor.
Now it's best just to ride fast and win.
Simon Gerrans knows this. It's what he did yesterday.
And does again to perfection today.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Stage Three: Glenelg To Campbelltown - Focus
Yesterday: What Terence told Sweezus.
Terence: Arthur was FIGHTING.
Sweezus: In the bushes? What with?
Terence: A NINJA!
Sweezus: So, with sticks.
Terence: Yes, pointy ones.
Sweezus: Far out. And that wasn't a Ninja.
.......
Later that evening:
Sweezus: Anyone seen Pablo?
Arthur: No.
Sweezus: You?
Ssü-K'ung Shu: No.
Sweezus: You know what that means?
Ssü-K'ung Shu: You wish me to continue to take Pablo's place.
Sweezus: Yeah, but with that comes responsibility. No more stopping for Ninja fighting.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: Who told you?
Sweezus: Terence. He saw you and came back to tell me. That's how Gerrans and Impey fell off.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: It's the work of the Dao. Accomplishing great things with small means.
Sweezus: I suppose so. But listen, Ssü-K'ung Shu. No more scuffling around in the bushes.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: I like how it's just ME.
Arthur: It is just you. I didn't want to.
Sweezus: Yeah, I thought so. Focus on your own Dao tomorrow, Ssü-Kung Shu.
........
Ssu-Kung Shu is despondent. How come Arthur never gets into trouble?
He wanders off to find Richie Porte.
Richie is sitting at a table scribbling down ideas.
Sikong Shu! says Richie. How d'you like this?
How can I live on the mountain
Now that men have come here
Previously only white cranes and clouds....
Rubbish, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. It's all back to front. The cranes and the clouds should come first and the men should come after.
I need someone like you, says Richie.
Ssü-K'ung Shu shrugs.
Corkscrew tomorrow, says Richie. Wish me luck. Me and Rohan Dennis
I'm better at bad luck, says Ssü-Kung Shu.
.....
Thursday
Stage Three: Glenelg to Campbelltown, via the corkscrew.
A hot humid day, with white clouds.
Ssü-K'ung Shu rides up the corkscrew, behind Arthur, who rides behind Sweezus, who rides behind Dries.
Each man (except Dries) focusing on his own Dao.
......
Several riders are close at the finish.
Looks like the winner will be...... Rohan Dennis of Team BMC.
He looks to be just pipping Simon Gerrans.
But is he? Did he? No? We need a photo.
Arr! Good luck turns to bad luck. And vice versa. It was in fact Gerrans who won.
Terence: Arthur was FIGHTING.
Sweezus: In the bushes? What with?
Terence: A NINJA!
Sweezus: So, with sticks.
Terence: Yes, pointy ones.
Sweezus: Far out. And that wasn't a Ninja.
.......
Later that evening:
Sweezus: Anyone seen Pablo?
Arthur: No.
Sweezus: You?
Ssü-K'ung Shu: No.
Sweezus: You know what that means?
Ssü-K'ung Shu: You wish me to continue to take Pablo's place.
Sweezus: Yeah, but with that comes responsibility. No more stopping for Ninja fighting.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: Who told you?
Sweezus: Terence. He saw you and came back to tell me. That's how Gerrans and Impey fell off.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: It's the work of the Dao. Accomplishing great things with small means.
Sweezus: I suppose so. But listen, Ssü-K'ung Shu. No more scuffling around in the bushes.
Ssü-K'ung Shu: I like how it's just ME.
Arthur: It is just you. I didn't want to.
Sweezus: Yeah, I thought so. Focus on your own Dao tomorrow, Ssü-Kung Shu.
........
Ssu-Kung Shu is despondent. How come Arthur never gets into trouble?
He wanders off to find Richie Porte.
Richie is sitting at a table scribbling down ideas.
Sikong Shu! says Richie. How d'you like this?
How can I live on the mountain
Now that men have come here
Previously only white cranes and clouds....
Rubbish, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. It's all back to front. The cranes and the clouds should come first and the men should come after.
I need someone like you, says Richie.
Ssü-K'ung Shu shrugs.
Corkscrew tomorrow, says Richie. Wish me luck. Me and Rohan Dennis
I'm better at bad luck, says Ssü-Kung Shu.
.....
Thursday
Stage Three: Glenelg to Campbelltown, via the corkscrew.
A hot humid day, with white clouds.
Ssü-K'ung Shu rides up the corkscrew, behind Arthur, who rides behind Sweezus, who rides behind Dries.
Each man (except Dries) focusing on his own Dao.
......
Several riders are close at the finish.
Looks like the winner will be...... Rohan Dennis of Team BMC.
He looks to be just pipping Simon Gerrans.
But is he? Did he? No? We need a photo.
Arr! Good luck turns to bad luck. And vice versa. It was in fact Gerrans who won.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Stage Two: Unley to Stirling - Chaos
Unley, Wednesday morning. Phil Liggett and Robbie McEwen are talking.
Robbie: Well Phil, what do you make of the rumours?
Phil: Let me be clear, I don't believe in the supernatural. Not where cycling's concerned.
Robbie: And neither do I, Phil. But it's affecting the riders. There are calls for an investigation
Phil: I blame it on this newfangled Mindfulness everyone talks about. Riders have far too much on their minds these days.
Robbie: That's a controversial view, Phil.
Phil: It stands to reason, Robbie. Mind this! Mind that! Riders are bound to start minding things that are totally irrelevant.
Robbie: A cherub flitting in and out of the peloton on a scooter and affecting the placings is hardly irrelevant.
Phil: We'll see. Meanwhile, what about Team Philosophe's new rider, Victor?
Robbie: The policeman? He was lucky to qualify.
Phil: He didn't. But Team Philosophe pulled some strings. Vello and David are cycling icons. But Victor... I don't know. Jack Bobridge isn't happy. Victor rides just off his wheel.....
Robbie: Police mindfulness, perhaps.
Phil: But Bobridge hasn't done anything.
Robbie: True. Then there's Team Condor. I hear they're in trouble this morning. Pablo Neruda's gone missing.
Phil: Aha. I can shed some light on that, Robbie. He was seen last night having an intimate dinner with one of the Marilyns. The prettiest one. Ahem! Perhaps I shouldn't say that.
Robbie: Say what?
Phil: The prettiest one. And I'm sure he'll turn up soon. That Sikong Shu chappie has them all under his thumb.
Robbie: Ssü-K'ung Shu, Phil.
Phil: It sounds exactly the same, Robbie
.........
Bang! The race starts. The riders stream out of Unley.
Team Condor has the usual four riders.
But there is a strangeness about Pablo Neruda.
.......
The teams climb Glen Osmond Road, and wind through Crafers.
A cherub on a scooter zooms into the roadside bushes and out again, and skids to a halt in front of Sweezus.
Out of the WAY ! says Sweezus.
Arthur's in the bushes, says Terence, speeding off to catch up with Daryl Impey.
Sweezus speeds up too. In the bushes?
He tries to catch up with Terence,who has caught up with Daryl Impey and Simon Gerrans.
Out of the WAY! cries Daryl Impey.
Out of the way! shouts Simon Gerrans.
By now they are in Bridgewater.
Jay McCarthy is pedalling along nicely.
He passes Vello and David who are gossiping about Pablo Neruda.
One of the Marilyn's, says Vello. The prettiest.
Then at least it wasn't my mother, says David.
Vello explodes with delight at the one in ten thousand possibility of the Marilyn being David's mother.
Phaha ha ha!
What's so funny, asks Jay McCarthy.
Remember the Marilyns? says Vello.
What Marilyns? asks Jay, who didn't even know they were plural.
Terence turns back. He has remembered something. He scoots back to Sweezus, upsetting Simon Gerrans and Daryl Impey, who crash almost in sight of the finish.
Leaving Jay McCarthy to win Stage Two, ending in Stirling.
Well done Jay McCarthy, of Team Tinkoff!
It is just one of ten thousand things that could have happened.
This is another one: Terence is telling it now.........
Robbie: Well Phil, what do you make of the rumours?
Phil: Let me be clear, I don't believe in the supernatural. Not where cycling's concerned.
Robbie: And neither do I, Phil. But it's affecting the riders. There are calls for an investigation
Phil: I blame it on this newfangled Mindfulness everyone talks about. Riders have far too much on their minds these days.
Robbie: That's a controversial view, Phil.
Phil: It stands to reason, Robbie. Mind this! Mind that! Riders are bound to start minding things that are totally irrelevant.
Robbie: A cherub flitting in and out of the peloton on a scooter and affecting the placings is hardly irrelevant.
Phil: We'll see. Meanwhile, what about Team Philosophe's new rider, Victor?
Robbie: The policeman? He was lucky to qualify.
Phil: He didn't. But Team Philosophe pulled some strings. Vello and David are cycling icons. But Victor... I don't know. Jack Bobridge isn't happy. Victor rides just off his wheel.....
Robbie: Police mindfulness, perhaps.
Phil: But Bobridge hasn't done anything.
Robbie: True. Then there's Team Condor. I hear they're in trouble this morning. Pablo Neruda's gone missing.
Phil: Aha. I can shed some light on that, Robbie. He was seen last night having an intimate dinner with one of the Marilyns. The prettiest one. Ahem! Perhaps I shouldn't say that.
Robbie: Say what?
Phil: The prettiest one. And I'm sure he'll turn up soon. That Sikong Shu chappie has them all under his thumb.
Robbie: Ssü-K'ung Shu, Phil.
Phil: It sounds exactly the same, Robbie
.........
Bang! The race starts. The riders stream out of Unley.
Team Condor has the usual four riders.
But there is a strangeness about Pablo Neruda.
.......
The teams climb Glen Osmond Road, and wind through Crafers.
A cherub on a scooter zooms into the roadside bushes and out again, and skids to a halt in front of Sweezus.
Out of the WAY ! says Sweezus.
Arthur's in the bushes, says Terence, speeding off to catch up with Daryl Impey.
Sweezus speeds up too. In the bushes?
He tries to catch up with Terence,who has caught up with Daryl Impey and Simon Gerrans.
Out of the WAY! cries Daryl Impey.
Out of the way! shouts Simon Gerrans.
By now they are in Bridgewater.
Jay McCarthy is pedalling along nicely.
He passes Vello and David who are gossiping about Pablo Neruda.
One of the Marilyn's, says Vello. The prettiest.
Then at least it wasn't my mother, says David.
Vello explodes with delight at the one in ten thousand possibility of the Marilyn being David's mother.
Phaha ha ha!
What's so funny, asks Jay McCarthy.
Remember the Marilyns? says Vello.
What Marilyns? asks Jay, who didn't even know they were plural.
Terence turns back. He has remembered something. He scoots back to Sweezus, upsetting Simon Gerrans and Daryl Impey, who crash almost in sight of the finish.
Leaving Jay McCarthy to win Stage Two, ending in Stirling.
Well done Jay McCarthy, of Team Tinkoff!
It is just one of ten thousand things that could have happened.
This is another one: Terence is telling it now.........
Monday, January 18, 2016
Stage One : Prospect to Lyndoch - No More Ping-Ka-Ping
Late afternoon, Monday.
Katherine is with Terence and baby B-B at the Prospect Street Party.
Terence has never felt so embarrassed in all of his life.
Except once when Saint Joseph pretended to tongue-kiss the Virgin at the head of a holy procession.
Ugh. But that was in Barcelona.
Katherine has come dressed as Marilyn Monroe. The white pleated dress, the platinum blonde wig, the ukelele.
Only the youthful glamour is lacking.
Katherine has joined up with a group of ladies all dressed as Marilyn Monroe, with varying degrees of success. Peter Coombe is there also, wearing a loud red Hawaiian shirt.
The attempt to break the record for the World's Largest Ukelele Ensemble is beginning.
Come here, Terence. Where's your ukelele? calls Katherine.
But Terence has no intention of playing his ukelele, anywhere near Katherine.
You go, he says to baby B-B.
Why me? says baby B-B. I don't even know how to play.
Have you still got my finger? says Terence.
Somewhere, says baby B-B. But it's broken, remember?
That's good, says Terence. It would have been too long for you. Here, have a go. Like this: Ping-ka-ping.
TERENCE! roars Katherine.
Peter Coombe comes over.
Are you Terence? asks Peter Coombe.
No, says Terence. He is.
Hurry up Terence, says Peter Coombe. You don't want to be the reason for us not breaking the record.
Baby B-B drags the giant ukelele over to the Marilyns, and starts pinging.
So he won't be the reason.
...........
Next morning, 11 am, Tuesday. "Tourrific Prospect". The start line.
Crowds have gathered; the street is abuzz.
Sweezus spots Terence at the barrier, with his scooter.
You got it back, says Sweezus.
I'm NEVER going ANYWHERE with Katherine, says Terence.
Follow us, says Sweezus.
REALLY? says Terence.
If you can keep up, says Sweezus.
Sweezus is practising the Daoist way. He is into it. It makes perfect sense. Dao is the process of reality itself, the way things come together, while still transforming.
In his mind this translates into Terence tagging along on his scooter, and one of ten thousand things happening.
In Terence's mind, it's the same.
Bang. The race starts. Bikes pour out of Prospect.
Ride, ride, pedal, pedal.
.......
Later, on the last stretch into Lyndoch, under sultry conditions:
Sean Lake has kept ahead of the peloton for 19 kilometres.
The gap is rapidly closing. The peloton is catching up.
At the head of the peloton one of ten thousand things happens.
Caleb Ewan sprints away in frantic pursuit of Sean Lake.
He passes Sean Lake, who is losing his wu wei, due to seeing a cherub on a scooter.
Caleb is inspired.
Is he dreaming or did he just see a cherub on a scooter?
Calen sprints to the finish.
Who can fathom the Dao?
Katherine is with Terence and baby B-B at the Prospect Street Party.
Terence has never felt so embarrassed in all of his life.
Except once when Saint Joseph pretended to tongue-kiss the Virgin at the head of a holy procession.
Ugh. But that was in Barcelona.
Katherine has come dressed as Marilyn Monroe. The white pleated dress, the platinum blonde wig, the ukelele.
Only the youthful glamour is lacking.
Katherine has joined up with a group of ladies all dressed as Marilyn Monroe, with varying degrees of success. Peter Coombe is there also, wearing a loud red Hawaiian shirt.
The attempt to break the record for the World's Largest Ukelele Ensemble is beginning.
Come here, Terence. Where's your ukelele? calls Katherine.
But Terence has no intention of playing his ukelele, anywhere near Katherine.
You go, he says to baby B-B.
Why me? says baby B-B. I don't even know how to play.
Have you still got my finger? says Terence.
Somewhere, says baby B-B. But it's broken, remember?
That's good, says Terence. It would have been too long for you. Here, have a go. Like this: Ping-ka-ping.
TERENCE! roars Katherine.
Peter Coombe comes over.
Are you Terence? asks Peter Coombe.
No, says Terence. He is.
Hurry up Terence, says Peter Coombe. You don't want to be the reason for us not breaking the record.
Baby B-B drags the giant ukelele over to the Marilyns, and starts pinging.
So he won't be the reason.
...........
Next morning, 11 am, Tuesday. "Tourrific Prospect". The start line.
Crowds have gathered; the street is abuzz.
Sweezus spots Terence at the barrier, with his scooter.
You got it back, says Sweezus.
I'm NEVER going ANYWHERE with Katherine, says Terence.
Follow us, says Sweezus.
REALLY? says Terence.
If you can keep up, says Sweezus.
Sweezus is practising the Daoist way. He is into it. It makes perfect sense. Dao is the process of reality itself, the way things come together, while still transforming.
In his mind this translates into Terence tagging along on his scooter, and one of ten thousand things happening.
In Terence's mind, it's the same.
Bang. The race starts. Bikes pour out of Prospect.
Ride, ride, pedal, pedal.
.......
Later, on the last stretch into Lyndoch, under sultry conditions:
Sean Lake has kept ahead of the peloton for 19 kilometres.
The gap is rapidly closing. The peloton is catching up.
At the head of the peloton one of ten thousand things happens.
Caleb Ewan sprints away in frantic pursuit of Sean Lake.
He passes Sean Lake, who is losing his wu wei, due to seeing a cherub on a scooter.
Caleb is inspired.
Is he dreaming or did he just see a cherub on a scooter?
Calen sprints to the finish.
Who can fathom the Dao?
Sunday, January 17, 2016
The People's Choice Classic: Lesson Of The Tap
Word spreads like wildfire through the Tour Village.
Team Condor has a Daoist master, teaching them mindfulness.
Richie Porte pricks up his ears.
Daoism! A Tang dynasty philosophy! Could it be? He heads over to where Team Condor are wiping down their bicycles.
Yo! says Sweezus, Richie!
Hey! says Richie. How's things?
Yep, says Sweezus.
That's not an answer.
Arthur here? asks Richie.
Yep, says Sweezus.
Where? says Richie.
Here, wiping his b....... bugger!......he WAS here!
I'll find him, says Richie.
He wanders over to a tap, where three guys are standing.
Ssü-K'ung Shu is speaking to Arthur and Pablo, in intimate tones.
Wu wei is doing nothing, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. But not doing nothing lazily. Turn on the tap.
Right, says Pablo.
Arthur turns on the tap.
Richie moves closer.
'The way' never acts, says Ssü-K'ung shu. Like this water. Yet nothing is left undone.
Pablo spots Richie.
Hi guys, says Richie, as though he has just become mindful. All ready for the Classic?
Richie! says Ssü-K'ung Shu. Well met! Do you remember me?
Sikong Shu! says Richie. You inspired me to become a poet. I've come a long way since those days.
Would you like to join my lesson at the tap? asks Ssü-K'ung Shu, watching the water flow peacefully onto a bright patch of grass.
No he wouldn't, says Sweezus, coming up behind Richie. Sorry Rich. Team Condor only.
Woa! you guys are serious this year, says Richie. Catch up for a drink later?
Sure, later, says Sweezus.
Richie leaves, and Sweezus turns his attention to the lesson on doing nothing in front of a tap.
......
Later that evening. The People's Classic.
Ninety five thousand people have flocked to the circuit. Excitement is rampant.
Bang. One hundred and forty cyclists are off round the 1.7 km circuit.
Team Condor, except for Dries, who missed the lesson, is well in the zone.
Team Philosophe is doing splendidly, with Victor leading them out.
Vello: This is brilliant. Following a policeman.
David: Exhilarating.
Gaius: I thought he was following me.
Vello: No, he's tailing Jack Bobridge.
David: Police have their own agenda. Just go with the flow.
Victor (shouting): More legs, you slackers!
Gaius: More legs? What does he mean?
But some riders know.
1. Caleb Ewan (Orica Green EDGE) knows
2. Giacomo Nizzolo (Trek-Segafredo) knows
and Adam Blyth (Tinkoff) knows. Even though he only comes third.
Team Condor has a Daoist master, teaching them mindfulness.
Richie Porte pricks up his ears.
Daoism! A Tang dynasty philosophy! Could it be? He heads over to where Team Condor are wiping down their bicycles.
Yo! says Sweezus, Richie!
Hey! says Richie. How's things?
Yep, says Sweezus.
That's not an answer.
Arthur here? asks Richie.
Yep, says Sweezus.
Where? says Richie.
Here, wiping his b....... bugger!......he WAS here!
I'll find him, says Richie.
He wanders over to a tap, where three guys are standing.
Ssü-K'ung Shu is speaking to Arthur and Pablo, in intimate tones.
Wu wei is doing nothing, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. But not doing nothing lazily. Turn on the tap.
Right, says Pablo.
Arthur turns on the tap.
Richie moves closer.
'The way' never acts, says Ssü-K'ung shu. Like this water. Yet nothing is left undone.
Pablo spots Richie.
Hi guys, says Richie, as though he has just become mindful. All ready for the Classic?
Richie! says Ssü-K'ung Shu. Well met! Do you remember me?
Sikong Shu! says Richie. You inspired me to become a poet. I've come a long way since those days.
Would you like to join my lesson at the tap? asks Ssü-K'ung Shu, watching the water flow peacefully onto a bright patch of grass.
No he wouldn't, says Sweezus, coming up behind Richie. Sorry Rich. Team Condor only.
Woa! you guys are serious this year, says Richie. Catch up for a drink later?
Sure, later, says Sweezus.
Richie leaves, and Sweezus turns his attention to the lesson on doing nothing in front of a tap.
......
Later that evening. The People's Classic.
Ninety five thousand people have flocked to the circuit. Excitement is rampant.
Bang. One hundred and forty cyclists are off round the 1.7 km circuit.
Team Condor, except for Dries, who missed the lesson, is well in the zone.
Team Philosophe is doing splendidly, with Victor leading them out.
Vello: This is brilliant. Following a policeman.
David: Exhilarating.
Gaius: I thought he was following me.
Vello: No, he's tailing Jack Bobridge.
David: Police have their own agenda. Just go with the flow.
Victor (shouting): More legs, you slackers!
Gaius: More legs? What does he mean?
But some riders know.
1. Caleb Ewan (Orica Green EDGE) knows
2. Giacomo Nizzolo (Trek-Segafredo) knows
and Adam Blyth (Tinkoff) knows. Even though he only comes third.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Tour Down Under: Pre-Race Mindfulness
Hush Terence, says Katherine. Sit still and wait for Jessica Mauboy!
Terence hadn't even been talking.
It sucks going out with a granny.
She won't buy them sugar drinks. She confiscates hover boards. And she says things like that.
He tries to sit still and wait for Jessica Mauboy.
Lucky baby B-B. He got away by pretending he needed to go to the toilet.
And Katherine said go. She didn't want to be bothered with trying to find a bird toilet.
Not in this crowd. Not with Jessica Mauboy just starting.
The lights on the stage flash blue and purple. Jessica bounces on.
She is wearing dark trousers.
Terence finds this disappointing.
But soon the soaring voice of Jessica Mauboy works its magic. Until.....
Baby B-B flutters down by his side heaving big sobs.
Shut up, says Terence. What?
I got up SO CLOSE, gulps baby B-B. And I got SWATTED.
Did you swat back? asks Terence.
No-o, says baby B-B. It wasn't worth it.
How come? says Terence.
She wasn't the best and prettiest, says baby B-B. Except maybe for a human.
What did you expect? says Terence.
GOLD FEATHERS! shouts baby B-B. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
Do be QUIET! says Katherine. I can hardly hear Jessica Mauboy.
In short, the evening is not entirely successful.
.........
Next morning, the riders are preparing for the Tour Down Under Classic Street Circuit, by drinking coffee at various venues.
Team Condor is at Gingers in Goodwood.
Team Philosphe is at the next table.
There is some cross-table chit chat.
Hey, Vello! says Sweezus. New rider?
Victor, says Vello. He's fulfilling a dual role.
Cool, says Sweezus. Rider and what?
Policeman, says Vello. He's tailing..... er ....Jack Bobridge.
Yeah? says Sweezus. Awesome tactic.
Indeed, says Gaius, admiring the seamless way Vello has avoided telling Sweezus that Victor is also tailing him.
And, says David, we have allowed Victor the title of honorary philosopher.
Mental, says Sweezus.
Victor looks modestly pleased.
We've got our own philosopher, says Sweezus. It's this guy.
He indicates Süu K'ung Shu, who is head down in conversation with Arthur, Dries and Pablo.
Sikong Shu? says Vello. Isn't he a Middle Tang poet?
Yeah, but he's also a Daoist, says Sweezus. He follows the Dao de Jing. It's a Tang thing. He's teaching us mindfulness.
Wanker, mutters Vello.
But other riders are also in Gingers, overhearing these tantalising threads of information.
Not Jack Bobridge (of course not), but Steele von Hoff, Neil van der Ploeg and Sean Lake of team UniSA are nearby, drinking lattes, obscured by the fronds of a pot plant.
Steele nods at Neil. Watch out for these guys this arvo!
Terence hadn't even been talking.
It sucks going out with a granny.
She won't buy them sugar drinks. She confiscates hover boards. And she says things like that.
He tries to sit still and wait for Jessica Mauboy.
Lucky baby B-B. He got away by pretending he needed to go to the toilet.
And Katherine said go. She didn't want to be bothered with trying to find a bird toilet.
Not in this crowd. Not with Jessica Mauboy just starting.
The lights on the stage flash blue and purple. Jessica bounces on.
She is wearing dark trousers.
Terence finds this disappointing.
But soon the soaring voice of Jessica Mauboy works its magic. Until.....
Baby B-B flutters down by his side heaving big sobs.
Shut up, says Terence. What?
I got up SO CLOSE, gulps baby B-B. And I got SWATTED.
Did you swat back? asks Terence.
No-o, says baby B-B. It wasn't worth it.
How come? says Terence.
She wasn't the best and prettiest, says baby B-B. Except maybe for a human.
What did you expect? says Terence.
GOLD FEATHERS! shouts baby B-B. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
Do be QUIET! says Katherine. I can hardly hear Jessica Mauboy.
In short, the evening is not entirely successful.
.........
Next morning, the riders are preparing for the Tour Down Under Classic Street Circuit, by drinking coffee at various venues.
Team Condor is at Gingers in Goodwood.
Team Philosphe is at the next table.
There is some cross-table chit chat.
Hey, Vello! says Sweezus. New rider?
Victor, says Vello. He's fulfilling a dual role.
Cool, says Sweezus. Rider and what?
Policeman, says Vello. He's tailing..... er ....Jack Bobridge.
Yeah? says Sweezus. Awesome tactic.
Indeed, says Gaius, admiring the seamless way Vello has avoided telling Sweezus that Victor is also tailing him.
And, says David, we have allowed Victor the title of honorary philosopher.
Mental, says Sweezus.
Victor looks modestly pleased.
We've got our own philosopher, says Sweezus. It's this guy.
He indicates Süu K'ung Shu, who is head down in conversation with Arthur, Dries and Pablo.
Sikong Shu? says Vello. Isn't he a Middle Tang poet?
Yeah, but he's also a Daoist, says Sweezus. He follows the Dao de Jing. It's a Tang thing. He's teaching us mindfulness.
Wanker, mutters Vello.
But other riders are also in Gingers, overhearing these tantalising threads of information.
Not Jack Bobridge (of course not), but Steele von Hoff, Neil van der Ploeg and Sean Lake of team UniSA are nearby, drinking lattes, obscured by the fronds of a pot plant.
Steele nods at Neil. Watch out for these guys this arvo!
Friday, January 15, 2016
Not How You Talk To A Policeman
Vello, David and Gaius are cycling to the coast, to get in some last minute team practice.
A fourth rider looms up behind them.
Vello looks over his shoulder.
Victor! says Vello. Catch up!
I'd rather not, replies Victor.
Don't be shy, man, we know all about it! shouts Vello.
This is not how you talk to a policeman.
David drops back.
The thing is, says David, we were wondering if you'd like to join Team Philosophe on a temporary basis.
But I'm no philosopher, says Victor.
True, says David. But you have nearly caught up, and that has to prove something.
What? asks Victor. You surely don't think you were riding particularly fast?
Of course not, says David. Think of it this way. It would be efficient.
What about Gaius? says Victor. You know he's suspected of ....ahem.... I probably shouldn't disclose this.... making terrorist death threats?
Ha ha, laughs David. I know.
I wouldn't be laughing if I were you, says Victor. It renders you suspect.
For heaven's sake man, says David, are you going to join Team Philosophe or remain a slow-witted cretin?
You give me no choice, says Victor.
So you won't join, says David.
I will, declares Victor. Let's catch up with the others.
.....
Ssü-K'ung Shu has caught up with Arthur and Sweezus, in the bar at the Bath Hotel, Norwood.
Sikong Shu! says Arthur. How come you're here?
Belle told me where to find you, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. It is a long time.
A long time, says Arthur.
You here for the Tour? asks Sweezus.
It will do, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.
Do? says Sweezus. For what?
A reason, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. But it is not the true reason.
He looks meaningfully (he hopes) at Arthur.
Does Arthur remember how they fought in the woods with bamboo sticks?
Hard to say, really.
I am here on behalf of the Chinese government, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. At least that is what I tell myself. I don't suppose it will matter.
What? asks Arthur.
That I am not in Hong Kong, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. That is where they sent me, to cover the UCI Track Cycling World Cup. It's on this weekend.
I know, says Sweezus. Cav's riding in it.
Trust Sweezus to know something like that.
Better there than here, says Sweezus.
I prefer here, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.
I meant Cavendish, says Sweezus. Less competition the better.
Richie Porte's here, says Arthur. Remember Richie? Remember the tent on Mentougou?
Of course Ssü-K'ung Shu remembers.
He has thought of little else for two years.
.......
Belle has been left looking after Terence and baby B-B.
Terence is being a pest.
He has scootered over her sandals on several occasions, and two of her toenails are broken.
Tell you what, says Belle. Tonight there's a free concert in Victoria Square, in the TDU Village. Jessica Mauboy is singing. How would you guys like to go?
Who's Jessica Mauboy? asks baby B-B, who hasn't been around long.
The BEST singer! says Terence. And the prettiest! Woo-hoo!
Good, says Belle. You can both go with Katherine. But you can't take the scooter.
Baby B-B hopes she doesn't remember the hover board.
Because he will need his hover board to get up close to Jessica Mauboy. The Best and the Prettiest. She will have golden feathers, blue wings and tail feathers, like Mango.
A fourth rider looms up behind them.
Vello looks over his shoulder.
Victor! says Vello. Catch up!
I'd rather not, replies Victor.
Don't be shy, man, we know all about it! shouts Vello.
This is not how you talk to a policeman.
David drops back.
The thing is, says David, we were wondering if you'd like to join Team Philosophe on a temporary basis.
But I'm no philosopher, says Victor.
True, says David. But you have nearly caught up, and that has to prove something.
What? asks Victor. You surely don't think you were riding particularly fast?
Of course not, says David. Think of it this way. It would be efficient.
What about Gaius? says Victor. You know he's suspected of ....ahem.... I probably shouldn't disclose this.... making terrorist death threats?
Ha ha, laughs David. I know.
I wouldn't be laughing if I were you, says Victor. It renders you suspect.
For heaven's sake man, says David, are you going to join Team Philosophe or remain a slow-witted cretin?
You give me no choice, says Victor.
So you won't join, says David.
I will, declares Victor. Let's catch up with the others.
.....
Ssü-K'ung Shu has caught up with Arthur and Sweezus, in the bar at the Bath Hotel, Norwood.
Sikong Shu! says Arthur. How come you're here?
Belle told me where to find you, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. It is a long time.
A long time, says Arthur.
You here for the Tour? asks Sweezus.
It will do, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.
Do? says Sweezus. For what?
A reason, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. But it is not the true reason.
He looks meaningfully (he hopes) at Arthur.
Does Arthur remember how they fought in the woods with bamboo sticks?
Hard to say, really.
I am here on behalf of the Chinese government, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. At least that is what I tell myself. I don't suppose it will matter.
What? asks Arthur.
That I am not in Hong Kong, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. That is where they sent me, to cover the UCI Track Cycling World Cup. It's on this weekend.
I know, says Sweezus. Cav's riding in it.
Trust Sweezus to know something like that.
Better there than here, says Sweezus.
I prefer here, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.
I meant Cavendish, says Sweezus. Less competition the better.
Richie Porte's here, says Arthur. Remember Richie? Remember the tent on Mentougou?
Of course Ssü-K'ung Shu remembers.
He has thought of little else for two years.
.......
Belle has been left looking after Terence and baby B-B.
Terence is being a pest.
He has scootered over her sandals on several occasions, and two of her toenails are broken.
Tell you what, says Belle. Tonight there's a free concert in Victoria Square, in the TDU Village. Jessica Mauboy is singing. How would you guys like to go?
Who's Jessica Mauboy? asks baby B-B, who hasn't been around long.
The BEST singer! says Terence. And the prettiest! Woo-hoo!
Good, says Belle. You can both go with Katherine. But you can't take the scooter.
Baby B-B hopes she doesn't remember the hover board.
Because he will need his hover board to get up close to Jessica Mauboy. The Best and the Prettiest. She will have golden feathers, blue wings and tail feathers, like Mango.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
New Blood New Tactics
Sweezus, Arthur and Pablo are sitting outside a city cafe, waiting for Dries to turn up.
They are talking race tactics.
The ones to beat are Simon Gerrans and Rohan Dennis, says Sweezus.
And Jack Bobridge, says Arthur.
And what about Richie? says Pablo.
Yeah, Rohan and Richie came first and second in the individual time trials at Buninyong, says Sweezus. And Bobridge was the overall winner. But Phil Liggett reckons.....
At last! Dries has turned up.
With him are Terence and baby B-B on a scooter and hover board respectively.
Baby B-B hops up to Arthur, who smells just like he remembers. Of coffee.
But Baby B-B thinks coffee is poisonous now.
Woah! Dries! says Sweezus. We're just talkin' tactics.
Cool, says Dries. What tactics have we?
Nobble the others, says Arthur.
Ha ha, laughs Dries. Not this time. This time we are clean, right? I have Schopenhauer's bicycle to think of.
There are many ways to nobble the others, says Pablo. Poetry for instance, works sometimes.
Yep, 'specially with Richie. He gets distracted, says Sweezus.
I do poetry, says baby B-B.
No kidding? says Sweezus. What kind?
Sad kind, says baby B-B. Elegaic.
Like what? says Arthur.
Mango with you I was happy...... starts baby B-B.
Silence from the cyclists.
But only because they are thinking.........with who (or whom) was I happy?
I do it too, says Terence.
No you don't, says Sweezus, but I see you have a scooter. That could be useful.
Terence does a few complex moves on his scooter. He is really quite talented.
........
Gaius has turned up at the Velosophy office.
Back so soon? says David.
Soon? says Gaius. I thought the race started on Sunday.
Still hopeless at irony, says David.
The main thing is, have you been practising? asks Vello.
Yes and no, says Gaius. And I should inform you, I'm being tailed.
That could work in your favour, says Vello. Who by?
Victor, says Gaius.
Vello brightens.
How is Victor at philosophy?
Vello! says David. You're not thinking......?
We need a fourth rider, says Vello.
But a policeman, says David. It's totally opposed to our position.
Which is coming last, says Vello, and likely to remain so. We could do with new blood.
Just then the door opens. It's Belle.
There's someone to see you, says Belle.
What a coincidence if it should be Victor.
But it is not a coincidence, it's a Chinese man.
Sikong Shu! says David. What the dickens are you doing in Adelaide?
Looking for Arthur, says Sikong Shu. And it's Ssü-K'ung Shu these days.
It sounds exactly the same, says Vello.
The difference is mainly in the spelling, admits the Middle Tang poet.
They are talking race tactics.
The ones to beat are Simon Gerrans and Rohan Dennis, says Sweezus.
And Jack Bobridge, says Arthur.
And what about Richie? says Pablo.
Yeah, Rohan and Richie came first and second in the individual time trials at Buninyong, says Sweezus. And Bobridge was the overall winner. But Phil Liggett reckons.....
At last! Dries has turned up.
With him are Terence and baby B-B on a scooter and hover board respectively.
Baby B-B hops up to Arthur, who smells just like he remembers. Of coffee.
But Baby B-B thinks coffee is poisonous now.
Woah! Dries! says Sweezus. We're just talkin' tactics.
Cool, says Dries. What tactics have we?
Nobble the others, says Arthur.
Ha ha, laughs Dries. Not this time. This time we are clean, right? I have Schopenhauer's bicycle to think of.
There are many ways to nobble the others, says Pablo. Poetry for instance, works sometimes.
Yep, 'specially with Richie. He gets distracted, says Sweezus.
I do poetry, says baby B-B.
No kidding? says Sweezus. What kind?
Sad kind, says baby B-B. Elegaic.
Like what? says Arthur.
Mango with you I was happy...... starts baby B-B.
Silence from the cyclists.
But only because they are thinking.........with who (or whom) was I happy?
I do it too, says Terence.
No you don't, says Sweezus, but I see you have a scooter. That could be useful.
Terence does a few complex moves on his scooter. He is really quite talented.
........
Gaius has turned up at the Velosophy office.
Back so soon? says David.
Soon? says Gaius. I thought the race started on Sunday.
Still hopeless at irony, says David.
The main thing is, have you been practising? asks Vello.
Yes and no, says Gaius. And I should inform you, I'm being tailed.
That could work in your favour, says Vello. Who by?
Victor, says Gaius.
Vello brightens.
How is Victor at philosophy?
Vello! says David. You're not thinking......?
We need a fourth rider, says Vello.
But a policeman, says David. It's totally opposed to our position.
Which is coming last, says Vello, and likely to remain so. We could do with new blood.
Just then the door opens. It's Belle.
There's someone to see you, says Belle.
What a coincidence if it should be Victor.
But it is not a coincidence, it's a Chinese man.
Sikong Shu! says David. What the dickens are you doing in Adelaide?
Looking for Arthur, says Sikong Shu. And it's Ssü-K'ung Shu these days.
It sounds exactly the same, says Vello.
The difference is mainly in the spelling, admits the Middle Tang poet.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
The Disappearing Cyclist
The plane lands in Adelaide.
Dries and Terence go up to the front to collect baby B-B.
The flight attendant looks at them strangely.
What was that look? whispers Terence.
Nothing, squeaks baby B-B.
They get off the plane, and wait at the end of the walkway for Gaius.
A Border Force officer appears out of nowhere, and strides down the walkway.
Moments later, Gaius, escorted by the Border Force officer, is led to the Interrogation Room.
(There is one. I've seen it).
Woo! says Terence.
Wah! says baby B-B. Save him!
We can't, says Dries. We must wait here, and see what happens.
Gaius is shoved into the Interrogation Room roughly. The door closes.
He looks around.
There is a chair and a table. An electric light bulb, of the old type, swings menacingly above it.
( To be honest, I didn't see inside).
At the table sits a policeman.
Victor! says Gaius. It's you!
It is! says Victor. Now Gaius, what's all this about?
What's all what about? says Gaius. I dropped my notes, but I picked them up again.....
Don't play the innocent, Gaius. says Victor. You were overheard making death threats.
I don't think so, says Gaius.
Victor looks at his notebook.
'Everyone dies', says Victor. Are you going to deny that you said it?
Of course I said it, says Gaius. But not on the plane. I said it in an entirely different context. It is a universal truth after all.
True, agrees Victor. But you mustn't say that sort of thing on an aeroplane. You were also overheard talking about remote sensing. No wonder suspicions were aroused.
Ah yes, says Gaius. I can explain. I was discussing my latest research with Jack Bobridge.
Jack Bobridge! Pull the other one, says Victor.
I was sitting next to Jack Bobridge, says Gaius.
Impossible, says Victor. He arrived in Adelaide on the 11th of January from Melbourne after winning the Nationals in Buninyong. You flew in from Brisbane.
You'll have to ask him about that, says Gaius. My companion certainly looked like Jack Bobridge. And he can confirm my story.
I'll put out an alert on Jack Bobridge, says Victor. Meanwhile, you can go, but I'll have to tail you, for security reasons.
Nonsense! says Gaius. He gets up to go.
Victor opens the door for him.
Good luck in the Tour Down Under, old chap, says Victor. And...... no more death threats and delusions, okay?
Gaius is obliged to nod placatingly. How galling.
He rejoins the others, who are waiting.
There is no sign of Jack Bobridge.
Dries and Terence go up to the front to collect baby B-B.
The flight attendant looks at them strangely.
What was that look? whispers Terence.
Nothing, squeaks baby B-B.
They get off the plane, and wait at the end of the walkway for Gaius.
A Border Force officer appears out of nowhere, and strides down the walkway.
Moments later, Gaius, escorted by the Border Force officer, is led to the Interrogation Room.
(There is one. I've seen it).
Woo! says Terence.
Wah! says baby B-B. Save him!
We can't, says Dries. We must wait here, and see what happens.
Gaius is shoved into the Interrogation Room roughly. The door closes.
He looks around.
There is a chair and a table. An electric light bulb, of the old type, swings menacingly above it.
( To be honest, I didn't see inside).
At the table sits a policeman.
Victor! says Gaius. It's you!
It is! says Victor. Now Gaius, what's all this about?
What's all what about? says Gaius. I dropped my notes, but I picked them up again.....
Don't play the innocent, Gaius. says Victor. You were overheard making death threats.
I don't think so, says Gaius.
Victor looks at his notebook.
'Everyone dies', says Victor. Are you going to deny that you said it?
Of course I said it, says Gaius. But not on the plane. I said it in an entirely different context. It is a universal truth after all.
True, agrees Victor. But you mustn't say that sort of thing on an aeroplane. You were also overheard talking about remote sensing. No wonder suspicions were aroused.
Ah yes, says Gaius. I can explain. I was discussing my latest research with Jack Bobridge.
Jack Bobridge! Pull the other one, says Victor.
I was sitting next to Jack Bobridge, says Gaius.
Impossible, says Victor. He arrived in Adelaide on the 11th of January from Melbourne after winning the Nationals in Buninyong. You flew in from Brisbane.
You'll have to ask him about that, says Gaius. My companion certainly looked like Jack Bobridge. And he can confirm my story.
I'll put out an alert on Jack Bobridge, says Victor. Meanwhile, you can go, but I'll have to tail you, for security reasons.
Nonsense! says Gaius. He gets up to go.
Victor opens the door for him.
Good luck in the Tour Down Under, old chap, says Victor. And...... no more death threats and delusions, okay?
Gaius is obliged to nod placatingly. How galling.
He rejoins the others, who are waiting.
There is no sign of Jack Bobridge.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Stranger On A Plane
On the flight back to Adelaide, Gaius is collating his notes.
Drat! They are all out of order.
Three pages of mantis shrimp notes followed by a diagram of a funnel web spider, and a photo of a large purple jellyfish. Then more shrimp notes, or are they? No, this looks like a page on the leafy sea dragon and what's this, the program for this year's Tour Down Under.....
If only Arthur were here.
He glances at Dries, who is busy counselling Terence.
Dries: Can you think of any reason why you chose the term 'milkshake'?
Terence: I didn't choose it.
Dries: Is it something to do with your mother?
Terence: No.
Dries: Your father?
Terence: No. Which one?
Dries: Blood?
Terence: Yuck! There's no blood in a milkshake!
Dries: You did say a red milkshake;
Terence: I didn't.
This is most unproductive.
Baby B-B is up in the front of the cabin with a flight attendant, being looked after.
Baby B-B: So Gaius says, EVERYONE dies.
Flight attendant: Hmm. Which one is Gaius?
Gaius meanwhile has managed to spill his notes into the lap of the stranger in the seat alongside him.
The Stranger: Eh-up! Let me help you.
Gaius: Very kind of you. Thank you. I normally travel with an assistant to look after these things.
The Stranger: I see you are some sort of scientist.
Gaius: Indeed. I am currently researching the mantis shrimp and its remarkable abilities.
The Stranger: What are they?
Gaius: Secret light communication using circular polarised light.
The Stranger: How interesting. And I suppose there are applications in remote sensing?
Gaius: Yes, I believe so. Also in biomedical imaging and computer data storage.
The Stranger: Fascinating. Oops! Here is another one of your papers. The Tour Down Under program. What a coincidence. That's why I'm going to Adelaide.
Gaius: Me too. I'm supposed to be in it. Must get in some team practice before the weekend.
The Stranger: Then we shall be rivals.
Gaius: How so?
The Stranger: I am Jack Bobridge.
Is he really Jack Bobridge?
In a very short time we shall know.
Drat! They are all out of order.
Three pages of mantis shrimp notes followed by a diagram of a funnel web spider, and a photo of a large purple jellyfish. Then more shrimp notes, or are they? No, this looks like a page on the leafy sea dragon and what's this, the program for this year's Tour Down Under.....
If only Arthur were here.
He glances at Dries, who is busy counselling Terence.
Dries: Can you think of any reason why you chose the term 'milkshake'?
Terence: I didn't choose it.
Dries: Is it something to do with your mother?
Terence: No.
Dries: Your father?
Terence: No. Which one?
Dries: Blood?
Terence: Yuck! There's no blood in a milkshake!
Dries: You did say a red milkshake;
Terence: I didn't.
This is most unproductive.
Baby B-B is up in the front of the cabin with a flight attendant, being looked after.
Baby B-B: So Gaius says, EVERYONE dies.
Flight attendant: Hmm. Which one is Gaius?
Gaius meanwhile has managed to spill his notes into the lap of the stranger in the seat alongside him.
The Stranger: Eh-up! Let me help you.
Gaius: Very kind of you. Thank you. I normally travel with an assistant to look after these things.
The Stranger: I see you are some sort of scientist.
Gaius: Indeed. I am currently researching the mantis shrimp and its remarkable abilities.
The Stranger: What are they?
Gaius: Secret light communication using circular polarised light.
The Stranger: How interesting. And I suppose there are applications in remote sensing?
Gaius: Yes, I believe so. Also in biomedical imaging and computer data storage.
The Stranger: Fascinating. Oops! Here is another one of your papers. The Tour Down Under program. What a coincidence. That's why I'm going to Adelaide.
Gaius: Me too. I'm supposed to be in it. Must get in some team practice before the weekend.
The Stranger: Then we shall be rivals.
Gaius: How so?
The Stranger: I am Jack Bobridge.
Is he really Jack Bobridge?
In a very short time we shall know.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Eating The Host
What's wrong with it? Eat it. It's Mango, says the tortoise.
I love Mango, says baby B-B. I can't EAT her. She brought me here. No wait, she didn't.
That's like me, says the tortoise. Darwin didn't bring me here either. I'm not even Harriet.
What happened to Harriet? asks baby B-B.
She died, says the Tortoise. She was over a hundred.
And now you're eating Mango, says baby B-B. So she must have died.
This is fruit, not your Mango, says the tortoise. What was she, a bird?
Yes, a bird, says baby B-B. She was golden, with blue wings and tail feathers. She taught me everything. No wait, not everything....
Ha ha, laughs the tortoise. What didn't she teach you?
Not telling, says baby B-B. She would have, but she had to fly home.
How to fly? guesses the tortoise.
Yes, but Arthur taught me how to fly later, says baby B-B.
Who's Arthur? asks the tortoise. Is he a bird too?
No he's a human, says baby B-B. He dropped me down the stairwell.
Risky, says the tortoise. You could have died.
Not everyone dies, says baby B-B.
Yes they do, says the tortoise, eyeing the fleshy chunks of Mango.
Baby B-B is scared.
He hops off the back of the tortoise who isn't Harriet, Darwin's tortoise, (so whose tortoise is she?).
He flies up into the branches of a jacaranda.
From there he can see Gaius, Dries and Terence, who are searching the bushes.
Perhaps they are looking for him.
He flutters down.
Where were you? asks Terence.
Learning something, says baby B-B. Everyone dies.
No they don't, says Terence. I don't.
Well, says Gaius, I think you'll find, if you face facts, that we all do.
And then we eat them, says baby B-B. It's gruesome.
No one would do that, says Terence. Unless they turned into a red milkshake and a biscuit.
Hee hee, titters baby B-B, feeling suddenly better.
Dries wonders how Terence could possibly know such a thing.
I love Mango, says baby B-B. I can't EAT her. She brought me here. No wait, she didn't.
That's like me, says the tortoise. Darwin didn't bring me here either. I'm not even Harriet.
What happened to Harriet? asks baby B-B.
She died, says the Tortoise. She was over a hundred.
And now you're eating Mango, says baby B-B. So she must have died.
This is fruit, not your Mango, says the tortoise. What was she, a bird?
Yes, a bird, says baby B-B. She was golden, with blue wings and tail feathers. She taught me everything. No wait, not everything....
Ha ha, laughs the tortoise. What didn't she teach you?
Not telling, says baby B-B. She would have, but she had to fly home.
How to fly? guesses the tortoise.
Yes, but Arthur taught me how to fly later, says baby B-B.
Who's Arthur? asks the tortoise. Is he a bird too?
No he's a human, says baby B-B. He dropped me down the stairwell.
Risky, says the tortoise. You could have died.
Not everyone dies, says baby B-B.
Yes they do, says the tortoise, eyeing the fleshy chunks of Mango.
Baby B-B is scared.
He hops off the back of the tortoise who isn't Harriet, Darwin's tortoise, (so whose tortoise is she?).
He flies up into the branches of a jacaranda.
From there he can see Gaius, Dries and Terence, who are searching the bushes.
Perhaps they are looking for him.
He flutters down.
Where were you? asks Terence.
Learning something, says baby B-B. Everyone dies.
No they don't, says Terence. I don't.
Well, says Gaius, I think you'll find, if you face facts, that we all do.
And then we eat them, says baby B-B. It's gruesome.
No one would do that, says Terence. Unless they turned into a red milkshake and a biscuit.
Hee hee, titters baby B-B, feeling suddenly better.
Dries wonders how Terence could possibly know such a thing.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Darwin's Tortoise
It's slow going, riding to the airport, along the Bicentennial Bikeway.
Terence has to keep stopping his scooter to wait for baby B-B.
Now what's the problem? asks Gaius.
Nothing, says Terence. He's just a bit slow.
Baby B-B flies up and lands on the handlebars of Terence's scooter.
Huuuh! sighs baby B-B.
It's easy to see he is sad.
We'll fix your hoverboard as soon as we get back to Adelaide, says Gaius. We haven't time now.
I might FLY back to Adelaide, says baby B-B. I could easily do it.
You couldn't, says Terence. Don't try.
You won't let me do ANYTHING, says baby B-B, eyeing the scooter.
It's MY scooter, says Terence. And you don't have long enough legs.
Baby B-B hops up onto a railing. He sees a signpost. This way to the City Botanic Gardens.
If he was with Mango, Mango would say: You deserve a reward baby B-B. I'll take you there.
I deserve a reward, says baby B-B.
What for? asks Terence.
The burning, says baby B-B. Losing my hoverboard. And my feathers.
Yes, says Terence. We deserve a reward. What is it?
Going to the City Botanic Gardens, says baby B-B.
I'd like to go there as well, says Dries. I enjoy visiting Botanical Gardens.
So do I, says Gaius. And these ones in particular. I once knew the curator, Walter Hill. And the famous Darwinian tortoise they kept there. She was reputedly collected by Darwin himself, in 1835.
Who? says Terence.
Harriet, says Gaius. But she won't be there now.
Nevertheless, they take the path that leads to the Botanical Gardens.
Soon they are there.
Baby B-B still isn't happy.
The reward wasn't supposed to be for everyone.
He flutters ahead of the others, over cycads, palms, figs, bamboos, mangoes, pawpaws, gingers and tamarinds, and suddenly........spots a tortoise.
He lands on her back.
Get OFF, says the tortoise.
I'm just hovering, says baby B-B.
As if, says the tortoise. But.......would you like to share my afternoon snack?
What is it? asks baby B-B.
Something special, says the tortoise. Usually I eat leaves and grass, but today look, I've got Mango....
Baby B-B looks at the dish, heaped with golden chunks of succulent Mango.
Mango! No way! He can't eat THAT!
Terence has to keep stopping his scooter to wait for baby B-B.
Now what's the problem? asks Gaius.
Nothing, says Terence. He's just a bit slow.
Baby B-B flies up and lands on the handlebars of Terence's scooter.
Huuuh! sighs baby B-B.
It's easy to see he is sad.
We'll fix your hoverboard as soon as we get back to Adelaide, says Gaius. We haven't time now.
I might FLY back to Adelaide, says baby B-B. I could easily do it.
You couldn't, says Terence. Don't try.
You won't let me do ANYTHING, says baby B-B, eyeing the scooter.
It's MY scooter, says Terence. And you don't have long enough legs.
Baby B-B hops up onto a railing. He sees a signpost. This way to the City Botanic Gardens.
If he was with Mango, Mango would say: You deserve a reward baby B-B. I'll take you there.
I deserve a reward, says baby B-B.
What for? asks Terence.
The burning, says baby B-B. Losing my hoverboard. And my feathers.
Yes, says Terence. We deserve a reward. What is it?
Going to the City Botanic Gardens, says baby B-B.
I'd like to go there as well, says Dries. I enjoy visiting Botanical Gardens.
So do I, says Gaius. And these ones in particular. I once knew the curator, Walter Hill. And the famous Darwinian tortoise they kept there. She was reputedly collected by Darwin himself, in 1835.
Who? says Terence.
Harriet, says Gaius. But she won't be there now.
Nevertheless, they take the path that leads to the Botanical Gardens.
Soon they are there.
Baby B-B still isn't happy.
The reward wasn't supposed to be for everyone.
He flutters ahead of the others, over cycads, palms, figs, bamboos, mangoes, pawpaws, gingers and tamarinds, and suddenly........spots a tortoise.
He lands on her back.
Get OFF, says the tortoise.
I'm just hovering, says baby B-B.
As if, says the tortoise. But.......would you like to share my afternoon snack?
What is it? asks baby B-B.
Something special, says the tortoise. Usually I eat leaves and grass, but today look, I've got Mango....
Baby B-B looks at the dish, heaped with golden chunks of succulent Mango.
Mango! No way! He can't eat THAT!
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Parting Of True Minds
I should be going, says Dr Yakir. More shrimps to order.
Yes, sorry about that, says Gaius. I feel somewhat responsible. We should be going as well.
Where are you staying? asks Dr Yakir.
Nowhere as yet, says Gaius. We must find a hotel.
You will find Brisbane a friendly city, says Dr Yakir.
I'm sure we will, says Gaius.
How long are you here for? asks Dr Yakir.
Not long. The Tour Down Under starts soon. In fact, I must check the dates, says Gaius.
Are you keen on cycling? asks Dr Yakir.
I should say so, says Gaius. Perhaps you've heard of Team Philosophe?
I certainly have, says Dr Yakir. They were a great team, back in the day.
Back in the day? says Gaius. They still are. And I am a highly valued member.
I should have realised, says Dr Yakir. And you Dries, are you a team member?
Not his team, says Dries. I'm in Team Condor.
Wow! says Dr Yakir. Not on that bike I hope?
Yes, on this bike. It belonged to Schopenhauer. I will admit, it's been hard to master.
Ha ha, laughs Dr Yakir. I can see how it would be.
Terence scoots up on his scooter.
Baby B-B's on fire!
Dear me, says Gaius. I knew those hoverboards could be dangerous!
........
Several days later.
Gaius: Thank you for having us, Yakir. Now we really must go.
Dr Yakir: Yes, baby B-B is growing new feathers and he's okay to travel. It's been a privilege to spend time with you, Gaius.
Gaius: Ditto I'm sure. I have learned a great deal from you about the elaborate visual system of mantis shrimp eyes. Imagine! Sixteen types of colour receptive cones. And we humans only have three. It does make you wonder.
Dr Yakir: Indeed. I love to mix physics with biology to answer questions about how optics affect the ecology of animals.
Dries: I've learned a lot too. I never knew Fiddler Crabs wore built-in sunglasses. It totally changes my ideas about seafood.
Gaius: Say goodbye, Terence.
Terence: Goodbye. And thanks for fixing my parrot.
Dr Yakir: He isn't a parrot.
Terence: Paraclete, then.
Dr Yakir: Good heavens! What a big word.
Baby B-B: No need to be patronising.
And on that note, the travellers head off to the airport.
Yes, sorry about that, says Gaius. I feel somewhat responsible. We should be going as well.
Where are you staying? asks Dr Yakir.
Nowhere as yet, says Gaius. We must find a hotel.
You will find Brisbane a friendly city, says Dr Yakir.
I'm sure we will, says Gaius.
How long are you here for? asks Dr Yakir.
Not long. The Tour Down Under starts soon. In fact, I must check the dates, says Gaius.
Are you keen on cycling? asks Dr Yakir.
I should say so, says Gaius. Perhaps you've heard of Team Philosophe?
I certainly have, says Dr Yakir. They were a great team, back in the day.
Back in the day? says Gaius. They still are. And I am a highly valued member.
I should have realised, says Dr Yakir. And you Dries, are you a team member?
Not his team, says Dries. I'm in Team Condor.
Wow! says Dr Yakir. Not on that bike I hope?
Yes, on this bike. It belonged to Schopenhauer. I will admit, it's been hard to master.
Ha ha, laughs Dr Yakir. I can see how it would be.
Terence scoots up on his scooter.
Baby B-B's on fire!
Dear me, says Gaius. I knew those hoverboards could be dangerous!
........
Several days later.
Gaius: Thank you for having us, Yakir. Now we really must go.
Dr Yakir: Yes, baby B-B is growing new feathers and he's okay to travel. It's been a privilege to spend time with you, Gaius.
Gaius: Ditto I'm sure. I have learned a great deal from you about the elaborate visual system of mantis shrimp eyes. Imagine! Sixteen types of colour receptive cones. And we humans only have three. It does make you wonder.
Dr Yakir: Indeed. I love to mix physics with biology to answer questions about how optics affect the ecology of animals.
Dries: I've learned a lot too. I never knew Fiddler Crabs wore built-in sunglasses. It totally changes my ideas about seafood.
Gaius: Say goodbye, Terence.
Terence: Goodbye. And thanks for fixing my parrot.
Dr Yakir: He isn't a parrot.
Terence: Paraclete, then.
Dr Yakir: Good heavens! What a big word.
Baby B-B: No need to be patronising.
And on that note, the travellers head off to the airport.
Friday, January 8, 2016
The Jar Of Death Coffee
Terence bends over the mantis shrimp which is fast drying out on the grass.
Baby B-B flutters over.
Listen, says Baby B-B. I made up a poem. It's called 'Mango with you I was happy.......'
That's very good, says Terence. Am I in it somewhere?
No, says baby B-B. It's about the past.
Don't remind me, says Terence.
I didn't, says baby B-B. You asked.
He looks down at the stump of his finger.
There's a gap where the end used to be.
Through the gap he can see the mantis shrimp on the grass turning pinkish.
And gasping. Spah! Spah!
It's cooking, says Terence. I've been watching. When it's bright red it's done.
Done what? asks baby B-B.
Ready, says Terence. For turning into a milkshake. Red, my favourite colour.
You're mean, says baby B-B.
So are you, says Terence, surprised.
No, says baby B-B. I'm sympathetic.
So am I, says Terence. What shall we do?
Rescue him, says baby B-B. Take him back inside the building. Find him some water.
Is that what Mango would do? asks Terence.
Yes, says baby B-B. It's what Mango would do.
........
Gaius, Yakir and Dries return from lunch two hours later.
They drop their bikes on the grass.
Where is Terence? Where is baby B-B?
A broken cement finger lies in the flattened grass, pointing upwards.
.......
Hello, men, says Terence.
Hello, men, says baby B-B.
Hello boys, says Gaius.
Where is my shrimp? asks Dr Yakir.
In hot water, says Terence.
HOT water! says Dr Yakir.
And coffee, says baby B-B. We forgot the aquarium was broken.
Coffee, says Dries. Aha. I understand. Baby B-B associates the smell of coffee with his mother.
I'm sorry? says Dr Yakir.
I'm just saying, says Dries, if the shrimp has died, it is a tragedy, and not to be blamed on baby B-B. Or on Terence who has mother issues from way back.
That's right, says Terence. Hey, what's that?
This is your Christmas present, says Gaius. I'm not sure you deserve it. Oh all right. Here you are. You can open it now.
Terence rips off the red paper. Ye-hah! A scooter!
Baby B-B experiences ambivalent feelings.
He wishes he had asked for a scooter.
Not coffee. Coffee, he now knows, is poison. Coffee kills shrimps. (It was horrible).
Gaius hands him a present wrapped in red Christmas paper.
Slowly he unwraps his jar of death coffee.
But wait. This jar of coffee has wheels!
O joy and mango! What is it?
You lucky-bum! says Terence. I only got a scooter. You got a hover board!
Wow! A hover board! Just what every bird needs.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Holy Of Cement
Come down from that palm tree! says Gaius. I'm certain you don't have cancer.
Baby B-B, drops down from the palm tree.
But I was DETECTED, says baby B-B.
Yes, says Terence. Detected because of my finger.
That's a point, says Dries. His finger! Not baby B-B's.
I've got cancer! cries Terence.
You do not have cancer, says Gaius. You are made wholly of cement.
Holy of Cement, says Terence. That's me. I want my finger back.
Have it, says baby B-B.
It's easier said than accomplished. The finger is stuck on with glue.
I'll help you, says Terence. He pulls at the finger. His finger.
The finger won't budge.
Suddenly, SMASH! The mantis shrimp lunges forward. The finger breaks off, in the middle.
Did you see that? says Dr Yakir. They can pack quite a punch!
Terence picks up his half-finger.
Are there other applications I should know about? asks Gaius.
Certainly are, says Dr Yakir, who is proud of his research. Shall we discuss them over lunch?
I would be delighted, says Gaius.
So would I, says Dries. I too am a shrimp man.
May I ask if you are a Belgian? asks Dr Yakir.
I am, says Dries. And may I ask if you are a Swede?
I am, says Dr Yakir.
How pleasant. And Gaius of course is a Roman.
.........
Terence, baby B-B and the mantis shrimp have not been invited to lunch.
In the circumstances, they are obliged to wait on the grass for two hours.
Terence tries to make friends with the shrimp.
Hit me! says Terence. Ha ha! Missed me!
Hiss! Spit! goes the shrimp. Spiggle!
This means he is drying up fast.
Baby B-B is still pretty sure he has cancer. He repairs to a flower bed nearby.
There he thinks about Mango, and makes up a poem.
Mango with you
I was happy
and now I am sad
Mango I have got cancer
and cancer is bad
my finger
that wasn't my finger
broke off in a fight
with a smug evil shrimp
that is inexplicably attracted
by circular polarised light.
He is proud of his poem. It rhymes. If his finger wasn't broken he would try and write it down.
Baby B-B, drops down from the palm tree.
But I was DETECTED, says baby B-B.
Yes, says Terence. Detected because of my finger.
That's a point, says Dries. His finger! Not baby B-B's.
I've got cancer! cries Terence.
You do not have cancer, says Gaius. You are made wholly of cement.
Holy of Cement, says Terence. That's me. I want my finger back.
Have it, says baby B-B.
It's easier said than accomplished. The finger is stuck on with glue.
I'll help you, says Terence. He pulls at the finger. His finger.
The finger won't budge.
Suddenly, SMASH! The mantis shrimp lunges forward. The finger breaks off, in the middle.
Did you see that? says Dr Yakir. They can pack quite a punch!
Terence picks up his half-finger.
Are there other applications I should know about? asks Gaius.
Certainly are, says Dr Yakir, who is proud of his research. Shall we discuss them over lunch?
I would be delighted, says Gaius.
So would I, says Dries. I too am a shrimp man.
May I ask if you are a Belgian? asks Dr Yakir.
I am, says Dries. And may I ask if you are a Swede?
I am, says Dr Yakir.
How pleasant. And Gaius of course is a Roman.
.........
Terence, baby B-B and the mantis shrimp have not been invited to lunch.
In the circumstances, they are obliged to wait on the grass for two hours.
Terence tries to make friends with the shrimp.
Hit me! says Terence. Ha ha! Missed me!
Hiss! Spit! goes the shrimp. Spiggle!
This means he is drying up fast.
Baby B-B is still pretty sure he has cancer. He repairs to a flower bed nearby.
There he thinks about Mango, and makes up a poem.
Mango with you
I was happy
and now I am sad
Mango I have got cancer
and cancer is bad
my finger
that wasn't my finger
broke off in a fight
with a smug evil shrimp
that is inexplicably attracted
by circular polarised light.
He is proud of his poem. It rhymes. If his finger wasn't broken he would try and write it down.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Game Changer Nemesis
If the mantis shrimp was not traumatised before, it is now.
It lies on the grass rigid, emitting shrimp sounds.
Dries scowls at Dr Yakir.
I was just getting somewhere, says Dries. Now we're back where we started.
I beg your pardon, says Yakir. But I have reason to believe that this shrimp has been stolen from my laboratory.
Ah, says Gaius. Are you Professor Marshall?
No, I am Dr Yakir Gagnon, says Dr Yakir. The prof is on holiday.
I know, says Gaius. But you may have returned early.
I have not returned early, says Yakir, because I am not he, and I have not gone anywhere.
Do you mean to say you have been here all along? asks Gaius.
Of course not, says Yakir. You saw me ride round the corner.
So I did, says Gaius. Which means you cannot accuse us of stealing your shrimp.
See, says Terence. We couldn't have done it.
Everyone looks at the shrimp.
What I shall do, says Yakir, is enter the building, check the aquarium, and if one of our shrimps is missing, I shall return to ask you some questions.
We may have left for our hotel by that time, says Gaius.
This is a game-changer.
Yakir tries another tack.
May I ask who you are? asks Yakir. You look familiar.
Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Gaius. Natural historian.
Jisses! says Yakir. Why didn't you say so? And who are the others?
This is Dries, my current right hand man. This little chap is Terence, who is not the infant he seems. And this small bird is an endangered bristle-bird which I am instructing in signal detection. Unfortunately....
No need to tell me, says Yakir. My shrimp is rigid
THE shrimp is rigid, says Terence.
The question is why, says Yakir.
The shrimp opens one eye. It spots baby B-B, who has flown down from the palm tree.
Hmm, says Yakir. Your bird has an injury.
It's not an injury, says Terence. It's a finger.
A bird should not have a finger, says Yakir.
I couldn't agree more, says Gaius. It was a terrible idea. You may have noticed that Terence here has a claw where his finger should be. I should never have allowed it.
Ah yes, nods Dr Yakir. I understand now. This shrimp is reacting to circular polarised light emitted from your bristlebird's finger. This is an excellent example of one of the possible applications of my research. And Professor Marshall's.
Applications? says Gaius. This is precisely why I am here. Do go on.
Our research may have applications in biomedical imaging and cancer detection, says Dr Yakir.
Yikes, says baby B-B. I've got cancer!
He flies back up into the palm tree, and glares down at the mantis shrimp, his nemesis.
Evil smug shrimp-face and his show-off applications.
If I go, you go! shouts baby B-B.
It lies on the grass rigid, emitting shrimp sounds.
Dries scowls at Dr Yakir.
I was just getting somewhere, says Dries. Now we're back where we started.
I beg your pardon, says Yakir. But I have reason to believe that this shrimp has been stolen from my laboratory.
Ah, says Gaius. Are you Professor Marshall?
No, I am Dr Yakir Gagnon, says Dr Yakir. The prof is on holiday.
I know, says Gaius. But you may have returned early.
I have not returned early, says Yakir, because I am not he, and I have not gone anywhere.
Do you mean to say you have been here all along? asks Gaius.
Of course not, says Yakir. You saw me ride round the corner.
So I did, says Gaius. Which means you cannot accuse us of stealing your shrimp.
See, says Terence. We couldn't have done it.
Everyone looks at the shrimp.
What I shall do, says Yakir, is enter the building, check the aquarium, and if one of our shrimps is missing, I shall return to ask you some questions.
We may have left for our hotel by that time, says Gaius.
This is a game-changer.
Yakir tries another tack.
May I ask who you are? asks Yakir. You look familiar.
Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Gaius. Natural historian.
Jisses! says Yakir. Why didn't you say so? And who are the others?
This is Dries, my current right hand man. This little chap is Terence, who is not the infant he seems. And this small bird is an endangered bristle-bird which I am instructing in signal detection. Unfortunately....
No need to tell me, says Yakir. My shrimp is rigid
THE shrimp is rigid, says Terence.
The question is why, says Yakir.
The shrimp opens one eye. It spots baby B-B, who has flown down from the palm tree.
Hmm, says Yakir. Your bird has an injury.
It's not an injury, says Terence. It's a finger.
A bird should not have a finger, says Yakir.
I couldn't agree more, says Gaius. It was a terrible idea. You may have noticed that Terence here has a claw where his finger should be. I should never have allowed it.
Ah yes, nods Dr Yakir. I understand now. This shrimp is reacting to circular polarised light emitted from your bristlebird's finger. This is an excellent example of one of the possible applications of my research. And Professor Marshall's.
Applications? says Gaius. This is precisely why I am here. Do go on.
Our research may have applications in biomedical imaging and cancer detection, says Dr Yakir.
Yikes, says baby B-B. I've got cancer!
He flies back up into the palm tree, and glares down at the mantis shrimp, his nemesis.
Evil smug shrimp-face and his show-off applications.
If I go, you go! shouts baby B-B.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
The Well Stressed Shrimp
Professor Marshall is admiring the view, when his phone rings.
It's Sandra, from work.
Bad news, says Sandra. It's happened again.
Damn, says Professor Marshall. How many this time?
Four, says Sandra.
So we still have one left, says Professor Marshall.
No, says Sandra. The fifth one is missing. I believe we've been burgled. I found a set of small footprints.
Well, I'm not coming back for one mantis shrimp, says the professor. Call the police. No wait. Call Yakir. He'll know what to do.
All right, if you say so, says Sandra. How's the holiday going?
Wonderful, says Professor Marshall. I'm just enjoying the view from Tomaree Head.
Lucky for some, says Sandra. Okay, I'll call him. Goodbye.
She sighs, wishing she too was on holiday, and calls Dr Yakir Gagnon.
.........
Gaius is searching for a Brisbane hotel on Wotif.
Dries is assessing the state of the shrimp on the grass.
It's stiff, says Terence.
It's dead, says baby B-B.
No, says Dries. As a trauma counsellor, I can tell you, this shrimp is stressed.
What's it wearing? asks Terence.
STRESSED, says Dries. The thing is to bring it round gently.
He rubs the shrimp's tummy.
It comes round and sits up.
It spits and hisses.
It stiffens again when it sees baby B-B.
It's afraid of you, baby B-B, says Dries. Fly up and sit in that tree.
Baby B-B flies up and perches in one of the Brain Institute palm trees.
The mantis shrimp relaxes.
Shall we talk about what happened? asks Dries.
He is good with shrimps, but has only dealt with the common ones ( crangon crangon).
The mantis shrimp refuses to say anything.
Dries looks receptive and encouraging.
All this takes time.
.........
Dr Yakir Gagnon, who is not far away, jumps on his bicycle and heads to the Brain Institute.
He had not expected this call.
He is on holiday, so it's quite annoying.
He skids round the corner of the building and drops his bike on the grass.
Watch it! says Dries. You nearly crushed my patient.
I'm nowhere near your patient, says Dr Yakir. And he looks fine to me.
It's not ME, says Terence. It's.......
Our bird, says Gaius.
Really that Dries is an idiot!
Where is it, this bird? asks Dr Yakir. I don't see it.
Up in that palm tree, says Gaius, indicating baby B-B.
Baby B-B takes this as an invitation to fly down.
The mantis shrimp, sensing circular polarised light, begins spitting.
Dr Yakir recognises the last of his current specimens.
......
From the Tomaree Head lookout, Professor Marshall gazes down at Wreck Bay.
He is not alone there.
He hears two women discussing the Titanic.
He watches a boy and his sister decipher the names on the padlocks.
He observes tourists taking photos in front of the magnificent backdrop.
Life is good. He decides to have sea food for dinner.
It's Sandra, from work.
Bad news, says Sandra. It's happened again.
Damn, says Professor Marshall. How many this time?
Four, says Sandra.
So we still have one left, says Professor Marshall.
No, says Sandra. The fifth one is missing. I believe we've been burgled. I found a set of small footprints.
Well, I'm not coming back for one mantis shrimp, says the professor. Call the police. No wait. Call Yakir. He'll know what to do.
All right, if you say so, says Sandra. How's the holiday going?
Wonderful, says Professor Marshall. I'm just enjoying the view from Tomaree Head.
Lucky for some, says Sandra. Okay, I'll call him. Goodbye.
She sighs, wishing she too was on holiday, and calls Dr Yakir Gagnon.
.........
Gaius is searching for a Brisbane hotel on Wotif.
Dries is assessing the state of the shrimp on the grass.
It's stiff, says Terence.
It's dead, says baby B-B.
No, says Dries. As a trauma counsellor, I can tell you, this shrimp is stressed.
What's it wearing? asks Terence.
STRESSED, says Dries. The thing is to bring it round gently.
He rubs the shrimp's tummy.
It comes round and sits up.
It spits and hisses.
It stiffens again when it sees baby B-B.
It's afraid of you, baby B-B, says Dries. Fly up and sit in that tree.
Baby B-B flies up and perches in one of the Brain Institute palm trees.
The mantis shrimp relaxes.
Shall we talk about what happened? asks Dries.
He is good with shrimps, but has only dealt with the common ones ( crangon crangon).
The mantis shrimp refuses to say anything.
Dries looks receptive and encouraging.
All this takes time.
.........
Dr Yakir Gagnon, who is not far away, jumps on his bicycle and heads to the Brain Institute.
He had not expected this call.
He is on holiday, so it's quite annoying.
He skids round the corner of the building and drops his bike on the grass.
Watch it! says Dries. You nearly crushed my patient.
I'm nowhere near your patient, says Dr Yakir. And he looks fine to me.
It's not ME, says Terence. It's.......
Our bird, says Gaius.
Really that Dries is an idiot!
Where is it, this bird? asks Dr Yakir. I don't see it.
Up in that palm tree, says Gaius, indicating baby B-B.
Baby B-B takes this as an invitation to fly down.
The mantis shrimp, sensing circular polarised light, begins spitting.
Dr Yakir recognises the last of his current specimens.
......
From the Tomaree Head lookout, Professor Marshall gazes down at Wreck Bay.
He is not alone there.
He hears two women discussing the Titanic.
He watches a boy and his sister decipher the names on the padlocks.
He observes tourists taking photos in front of the magnificent backdrop.
Life is good. He decides to have sea food for dinner.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Location Location
The Brain Institute is closed.
This is unacceptable.
Gaius raps on the door.
A tall woman looks through a glass panel.
What is it? mouths the tall woman.
May we come in? mouths Gaius, waving his notebook.
The door opens a crack.
I was hoping to observe the mantis shrimps in your collection, says Gaius.
Sorry, says the tall woman. The prof is on holiday. No one sees the mantis shrimps without his permission. Come back this time next week.
She closes the door.
.......
Gaius and Dries sit on the grass in front of the Brain Institute.
Should we get a hotel? asks Dries.
No need, says Gaius. The weather is fine. We'll camp here.
What about Terence and baby B-B? asks Dries.
Yes, says Gaius. What about them? Where are they?
Indeed. Where are they?
They have both disappeared.
........
Terence and baby B-B have snuck round the back of the Brain Institute.
They have found a way in.
They have made their way to the biological sciences research lab, located the mantis shrimp aquarium, and tapped on the glass.
The mantis shrimps, of which there are several, have come up to the glass and stared out.
Outraged, they become aggressive, and punch the glass with bullet-like force.
The glass breaks, and the mantis shrimps gush out.
Ha ha, laughs Terence.
The mantis shrimps can't hear Terence, but they can detect baby B-B.
A small bird with one cement finger, emitting circular polarised light....
.......
On the grass outside the Brain Institute, Gaius and Dries make a shopping list.
Bread, milk, coffee, scooter.
How kind.
The scooter will be for Terence.
And the coffee for baby B-B.
.......
Around the corner of the Brain Institute, stomps Terence.
There you are, says Gaius.
Where's baby B-B? asks Dries.
Close your eyes, says Terence. Now open them. Da-dah!
Baby B-B flies round the corner with one mantis shrimp between his claw and his finger.
Where are the other ones? says Terence. Did you eat them?
No, says baby B-B. They wouldn't come.
Let me see, says Gaius. Don't tell me you two have broken into the Brain Institute and captured a mantis shrimp for me?
Yes....... begins Terence.
I said don't tell me, says Gaius. Less said the better. Bring it here.
He bends over the mantis shrimp, which is undergoing a spasm.
Marvellous, says Gaius. Perhaps we'll get a hotel after all.
.......
Inside the Brain Institute the tall woman sees runnels of water in the passage. She follows the water. She enters the lab.
Four mantis shrimps attack her feet angrily.
It is so unexpected. She stamps on the mad mantis shrimps. Stamp stamp stamp stamp.
Then she calls Professor Marshall.
The professor is in Port Stephens, on holiday.
He has just climbed up Tomaree Head. He is right at the summit.
He answers his phone.
This is unacceptable.
Gaius raps on the door.
A tall woman looks through a glass panel.
What is it? mouths the tall woman.
May we come in? mouths Gaius, waving his notebook.
The door opens a crack.
I was hoping to observe the mantis shrimps in your collection, says Gaius.
Sorry, says the tall woman. The prof is on holiday. No one sees the mantis shrimps without his permission. Come back this time next week.
She closes the door.
.......
Gaius and Dries sit on the grass in front of the Brain Institute.
Should we get a hotel? asks Dries.
No need, says Gaius. The weather is fine. We'll camp here.
What about Terence and baby B-B? asks Dries.
Yes, says Gaius. What about them? Where are they?
Indeed. Where are they?
They have both disappeared.
........
Terence and baby B-B have snuck round the back of the Brain Institute.
They have found a way in.
They have made their way to the biological sciences research lab, located the mantis shrimp aquarium, and tapped on the glass.
The mantis shrimps, of which there are several, have come up to the glass and stared out.
Outraged, they become aggressive, and punch the glass with bullet-like force.
The glass breaks, and the mantis shrimps gush out.
Ha ha, laughs Terence.
The mantis shrimps can't hear Terence, but they can detect baby B-B.
A small bird with one cement finger, emitting circular polarised light....
.......
On the grass outside the Brain Institute, Gaius and Dries make a shopping list.
Bread, milk, coffee, scooter.
How kind.
The scooter will be for Terence.
And the coffee for baby B-B.
.......
Around the corner of the Brain Institute, stomps Terence.
There you are, says Gaius.
Where's baby B-B? asks Dries.
Close your eyes, says Terence. Now open them. Da-dah!
Baby B-B flies round the corner with one mantis shrimp between his claw and his finger.
Where are the other ones? says Terence. Did you eat them?
No, says baby B-B. They wouldn't come.
Let me see, says Gaius. Don't tell me you two have broken into the Brain Institute and captured a mantis shrimp for me?
Yes....... begins Terence.
I said don't tell me, says Gaius. Less said the better. Bring it here.
He bends over the mantis shrimp, which is undergoing a spasm.
Marvellous, says Gaius. Perhaps we'll get a hotel after all.
.......
Inside the Brain Institute the tall woman sees runnels of water in the passage. She follows the water. She enters the lab.
Four mantis shrimps attack her feet angrily.
It is so unexpected. She stamps on the mad mantis shrimps. Stamp stamp stamp stamp.
Then she calls Professor Marshall.
The professor is in Port Stephens, on holiday.
He has just climbed up Tomaree Head. He is right at the summit.
He answers his phone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
