The Deliverer Cometh

Gaius is wondering when to expect Griff's deliverer.

He peers through the front window.

He can hear Griff intoning to Ageless and Baby Pierre, in the bathroom.

That is why we must undergo Judgement, says Griff.

But who does it? asks Baby Pierre.

Our Maker, says Griff. You do know who he is?

No, says Baby Pierre. Is it Terence's Grandpa?

I very much doubt it, says Griff. And I was directing my comments to Ageless.

Ageless, says Baby Pierre. Who is your maker?

Water, groans Ageless.

Griff frowns. That is wrong.

What's the third one? asks Baby Pierre.

The third one? snaps Griff.

Thing, says Baby Pierre.

We cannot proceed to the third thing until I am certain Ageless understands the second thing, which is the necessity for undergoing the Judgement of his maker.

He does, says Baby Pierre. Don't you, Ageless?

Judge the water, croaks Ageless. It's off.

Gaius thinks it's time he went into the bathroom.

But then:

Knock knock!

It's David, and Terence.

Come in, says Gaius. This is a surprise. I was expecting a deliverer

I am a deliverer, says David. Here is Terence, No one else wants him.

Hello, says Terence. Where's the bandicoot?

First, come with me to the kitchen, says Gaius.

In the kitchen he takes out a knife....

....and peels a Pink Lady apple.

Four Last Things

Griffith Hughes only eats Pink Ladies.

Gaius's apples are green.

Oats? suggests Gaius.

I am not a horse, says Griffith Hughes. Never mind. I shall speak to my deliverer.

You do that, says Gaius, crunching into a green apple, to prove they are tasty.

Where do you keep Ageless Lobster? asks Griffith.

In the bathroom, says Gaius.

Griffith strides back down the passage, to the bathroom.

Ageless is lying in brown water, near the plug hole.

Baby Pierre is keeping watch over him.

Ageless Lobster! booms Griffith.

Shut up! says Baby Pierre.

Rudeness, says Griffith, is unbecoming.

Unbecoming, says Baby Pierre. That's me. Stop shouting at Ageless. He's moulting.

It's the reason I'm here, says Griffith Hughes. To accelerate the process. You may choose to leave, however, and I suggest that you do.

No way, says Baby Pierre. I don't trust you.

Are you a Christian? asks Griffith Hughes.

I'm an atheist and free thinker, says Baby Pierre.

You can't be both, says Griffith Hughes.

That's what everyone says, replies Baby Pierre. Except Terence.

Who is Terence? asks Griffith Hughes.

My best friend, says Baby Pierre. He's made of cement. His mother is the Virgin, and his grandpa is Grandpa Marx.

Tell Terence to come and see me, says Griffith Hughes. He needs a lecture. Now, you can stay if you like, but be silent.

All right, says Baby Pierre.

Silence! says Griffith Hughes.

ALL RIGHT! shouts Baby Pierre.

Bubbles arise from the plug hole end of the bath tub.

Griffith Hughes leans over the bath.

Ageless, says Griffith. It's me, Griffith Hughes from the library. I'm here to assist you.

Plurp,

Ageless raises his head. He looks pale.

I've come to speak to you of the Four Last Things, says Griffith.

Grurk! What are they? asks Ageless.

Why Four Last Things? asks Baby Pierre. forgetting to be silent.

Because there are four of them, says Griffith. Death, Judgement, Heaven and Hell. I published a tract on the subject.

Ageless isn't dying, says Baby Pierre.

We are all dying, says Griffith.

Not lobsters, says Baby Pierre. They get bigger and older.

Until someone kills them, croaks Ageless.

Or some event does, says Griffith. So I suggest that you listen......

Lucky Stars

The Reverend Hughes likes Gaius's proposal.

He has not left his place in the library, for quite some time.

One thing, says Gaius. I want Ageless to come with us.

That's fine, says the Reverend Griffith Hughes.

Are you sure? says Gaius. Ageless can be annoying.

I too can be annoying, says Griffith Hughes.To each his own. When do we leave?

As soon as Ageless stops moulting, says Gaius. One or two days.

Then I shall come back to your house, says Griff, and hurry him up a bit.

I don't think I have any means of entertaining you, says Gaius. Do you mind eating celery...no wait I have eaten the celery...apples?

Apples, what type of apples? asks Griff,

This is not going to go well.

.......

Back at Gaius's house, Kobo has managed to make her way to the bathroom.

She calls from the floor. Ageless! Ageless Lobster! Are you done moulting?

Blooble! Is that you my belooble?

Ageless, dear, are you drowning?

Nooble!

This isn't going well either.

She calls Baby Pierre.

Baby Pierre!

Yes Kobo?

Baby Pierre, is Ageless all right?

Baby Pierre leaps onto the rim of the bath tub.

He looks down at his mentor.

Ageless's body is swollen, and has developed hard patches.

Baby Pierre makes the sign of the Claw.

He's cool, says Baby Pierre. Anything you want me to ask him?

Ask him what I should bring? says Kobo.

What should Kobo bring? asks Baby Pierre.

Bringgle whooble? says Ageless.

He says where? says Baby Pierre.

To Barbados, says Kobo.

After all, why not just say it?

To Barbados, says Baby Pierre.

Ageless had not decided on Barbados, but if his beloved wants to go to Barbados, Barbados it is.

He makes an effort,

Diarrhea tablets, says Ageless.

Did he say diarrhea tablets? asks Kobo
.
Yep, says Baby Pierre. He probably meant to say bring a swimsuit. A nice one.

No, says Kobo. I know what he meant.  I should not drink the water. It is kind of him to remember.

Ageless thanks his lucky stars that he ever met Kobo

.....

Gaius enters the kitchen with Griffith. They look around for the apples......

What He Failed To Mention

The Reverend Griffith Hughes sits in his usual seat in the State Library.

He turns to his left, and addresses a fellow reader.

Ahem.

The fellow reader looks up.

Would you mind my seat while I go and speak to the librarian, just for a moment?

Sure, says the fellow reader.

The Reverend Griffith Hughes stands up and heads for the desk.

On his way he passes the table under which he often sees Ageless Lobster.

Ageless is not there.

Moulting, perhaps, thinks the Reverend.

He taps on the desk of the librarian.

The librarian looks up.

Yes, Griff?

Last night I dreamed someone enquired for my book.

Ah yes, it was a lady. Katherine Hume. Do you know her?

No, I don't know her. So it was a lady. Is she going to Barbados?

She is not, But some members of her family are going. She was particularly interested in the Barbados racer.

The Reverend sighs.

That know-nothing, Ligon. That's his territory.

I know. I gave her his book.

Chap couldn't even spell Barbados, mutters Reverend Griffith Hughes.

He returns to his seat.

So much for dreams, he thinks, when the following happens:


THE FOLLOWING

Gaius enters, speaks to the librarian, and is directed to the seat of the Reverend.

Griff! says Gaius, semi-heartily.

Gaius, replies Griff, in somewhat the same manner.

I had no idea you were a regular in the library, says Gaius. Until Ageless told me.

Good heavens, says the Reverend. You know him!

He is currently moulting in my bathroom, says Gaius. Too much salt in the bathwater almost killed him, My fault entirely.

Well, well, and what brings you to see me, asks Griff. My book?

The Barbados racer, says Gaius.

Griff looks crestfallen.

Before you look crestfallen, says Gaius,(too late) I do know that you failed to mention it, but  you mentioned a number of other things.

I did, says Griff. Natural features, plants, wildlife, I also I presented a paper.

"Of a Zoophyton resembling the Flower of a Marigold", says Gaius. I've read it.

What did you think? asks the Reverend.

Lacking in accuracy and scholarship, says Gaius. Be that as it may, Griff, the thing is, I have a proposal.

Stuff Of Dreams

That night, Gaius dreams of the Reverend Griffith Hughes.

The Reverend Griffith Hughes is in a vast library, speaking to an ancient librarian.

His lips are yellow.

He speaks: Arr, what no one?

The ancient librarian's lips are pale blue.

In reply to the question, he answers:

Not no one. There has been a recent enquiry.

Of what name?

Gaius Plinius Secundus. He wished to ask about the Barbados racer.

I did not write about the Barbados racer. He wants Ligon's book.

No he specifically asked for you, Reverend Griffiths.

Then I must get in touch. Did he leave an address? A phone number?

No. He didn't. But he may be found. Gaius is famous.

Unlike me, sighs the Reverend Griffiths Hughes,

He closes his eyes and starts moaning...

Gaius wakes. The moaning is coming from the bathroom.

He gets up and goes to the bathroom.

Ageless is stirring.

Too much ....mutters Ageless.

Why are you moaning? asks Gaius. You may have affected my dream.

Too much SALT, says Ageless.

Let me determine, says Gaius, sticking his finger in the bathwater and licking.

Ach!

See, says Ageless. I am shrivelling up here.

Gaius turns on the tap.

What's that humming? asks Ageless. Is it my beloved?

Gaius listens. In the sun, I will come.....Yes it is Kobo.

Tell her... croaks Ageless. I was dreaming.....

So was I, says Gaius.

I was dreaming says Ageless, of taking her to a tropical island.

I was dreaming says Gaius, of Reverend Griffith Hughes.

I know him, says Ageless. He frequents the State Library.

You don't say, says Gaius.

It's the stuff dreams are made of.

Two Mysteries

I'd better be heading off home, says Gaius. I've a bandicoot to think of.

Stay for a drink, says Margaret. I haven't seen you for ages. What have you been up to?

He's been to the Canaries, says Katherine, then he rode in the Tour Down Under with David and Vello. After that he went up into the hills to look for snotty gobble.

That explains the bandicoot, says Margaret.

I have no idea why it latched onto me, says Gaius. But it does need feeding. I really must be.....

Wait, says Margaret. Katherine wants to know more about Barbados.

Oh yes, says Katherine. I do. What exactly is the Barbados racer?

Gaius looks at Margaret.

Surely it was Margaret who introduced the subject.

Margaret looks at Gaius.

Surely HE is the natural historian.

Gaius sighs. Looks like he will have to have a drink with the ladies.

Margaret heads off to the bar to order three Little Creatures.

Well, says Katherine. Isn't this nice. So what is it?

A snake, says Gaius. With light lateral stripes to the rear. It is on the list of endangered species. In fact, it is believed to be extinct.

And Richard Ligon saw it, all that time ago, says Katherine. How do we know it was the same one?

We don't, says Gaius. Except that he said the snake was a long one. He recorded having seen a snake a yard and a half long.

Margaret returns with the Little Creatures.

Talking about the racer? asks Margaret.

Yes, says Katherine. Seems it was an especially long one.

Ha ha, laughs Margaret, inexplicably.

And what about the Reverend Griffith Hughes? asks Katherine. Did he see any?

I don't believe so, says Gaius. He was only in Barbados for a short time. He contracted yellow fever. It was he who named it. He returned to London to write his ten books then disappeared shortly after. No one has heard from him since.

Two disappearances! says Katherine. The Barbados racer and the Reverend.

Two mysteries, agrees Margaret. Perhaps they're related.

Gaius is certain that the two mysteries are not related.

But to argue is to sit there even longer.

And he wants to go home.

He swallows his Little Creatures and takes his leave of the ladies.

However, a seed has been sown.

When he gets home all is calm in the kitchen.

Except for the trail of ants, attracted by sticky patches.

And Nose, loudly breathing.

Kobo in the darkness is humming: In the sun... I will come....

While Ageless moans, in the bathroom.

The Ignorance of Girls

Gaius is sitting in the bar of the Griffins Hotel, with a pint of Little Creatures.

When there's no one to ask out but Margaret, it's wiser to go on your own.

Time for the show. He goes up the stairs to the Sky Room, for Old Jewish Jokes.

Hello, says Ivor Dembina, the comedian. Sit anywhere.

Gaius chooses a seat, in the second row.

Two ladies come in and sit down in front of him.

They are already laughing.

Ha ha, laughs Katherine. Did you really?

I did. Of course, I was a lot younger, says Margaret.

Would you believe it? It's only Katherine and Margaret!

Gaius sinks down in his seat, but Margaret turns round, because of course she has spotted him.

Hello, Gaius, says Margaret. Vello said you'd be here.

Yes, hello Gaius, says Katherine. Margaret was just saying that when she was younger she thought she was Jewish.

No, Katherine, I said I thought I might have been Jewish in a previous life, says Margaret.

O ha ha, says Katherine Trust me to only half listen.

Ivor Dembina is more than half listening.

He hopes his audience won't all be like these.

Thinking that they might have been Jewish in a previous lifetime indeed! How is that going to work I ask you? ..... (he fiddles with his cap. takes a sip of his water and lemon).

More people file in. Soon thirty three seats contain bottoms.

By the way Gaius, says Katherine, thanks for the book list.

What's this? asks Margaret.

Nothing, says Gaius.

A list of books on Barbados, says Katherine. One by the Reverend Griffiths Hughes, the other by Richard Ligon.

I know of them, says Margaret. Richard Ligon, in the 1657 edition, mentioned a creature which is now believed to be extinct. The Barbados racer.

Good heavens, says Katherine. What...?

But it's show time.

Ivor is nervous. But, as his father once told him, Ivor, you can't go wrong with the Old Jewish Jokes.

Ivor knows this. But he wants to tell cutting edge new ones.

This is the brilliance of Ivor.

By means of masterful framing he presents each type as a foil for the other.

The audience is loving it.

Ivor just has to raise a hand or an eyebrow, and they respond. Ooh! No! Yes! Ahh! or whatever.

Maybe we were all Jewish in a previous lifetime...

.......

Meanwhile back at home, Baby Pierre has gone into the bathroom to check on Ageless.

Ageless doesn't look right. His carapace has dropped off and his new soft flesh is all crinkly.

Baby Pierre thinks it ought to look smooth and shiny.

He sees the yellow salt container next to the basin.

Too much salt! That's the problem. Or not enough water.

But being a pebble, he can't turn on the tap.

All he can do is sit there watching, while Ageless shrivels.

To pass the time he thinks about cool skate board moves.

The hard flip.

The pop shove it.

The big spin kick flip.

And the ignorance of girls.

Nobody Asks You

Lavender shows Nose where the ants are.

Here, says Lavender.

I don't see them, says Nose.

Pull up the grass, says Lavender. They'll get angry.

Nose rips up some grass. Ants pour out.

See. They live in a tunnel, says Lavender.

Doing three sixties, says Nose.

This would have been funny, and they both would have laughed, had not Baby Pierre chosen just that moment to come outside and be listening.

They're not called three sixties, says Baby Pierre.

You don't even know what we're talking about, says Lavender. When did you get home?

Just then, says Baby Pierre.

Kobo wants to see you, says Lavender.

She saw me, says Baby Pierre. How come SHE said three sixties?

She's called Nose, says Lavender.

Does she think she can skateboard? asks Baby Pierre.

No, I don't, says Nose. It was maths. Lavender taught me.

She doesn't know maths, scoffs Baby Pierre. She only knows zero.

She knows about tunnels, says Nose.

Baby Pierre doesn't want to talk about tunnels.

He wants to show off his knowledge of skateboard trick moves.

But you can't just start listing them off, if nobody asks you.

What are you eating? asks Baby Pierre.

Ants, says Nose. Want one?

No thanks, says Baby Pierre.

.....

Gaius has gone out again, having eaten some celery.

He is going to pick up his free tickets.

He arrives at the Velosophy office.

Hello Gaius, says Vello. Come for the tickets?

Yes, says Gaius. What's the show called?

Old Jewish Jokes, says Vello. The only requirement is, you must write a review.

That should be easy, says Gaius.

How was the bandicoot venture? asks Vello. I hear you acquired one.

Yes I did. I don't suppose you have any fresh blackberries? says Gaius.

I thought the idea was to teach them to eat snotty gobble, says Vello.

A vain enterprise, says Gaius. As you would understand if you tried it. No, we are looking at building a tunnel to link bandicoot populations.

A tunnel, says Vello. Yes David mentioned a tunnel. Which reminds me....

Yes? says Gaius, turning to go.

David also mentioned that you had a friend who had written a book about Barbados. What was his name? Katherine would like a copy.

His name was the Reverend Griffith Hughes, says Gaius. But there are ten books. I know of a shorter volume, by Richard Ligon, "A True and Exact History of the Island of Barbadoes".

Write it down for me, says Vello. Ah, I like the old fashioned spelling! Or is that an error?

I'm an excellent speller, says Gaius.

Of course, says Vello.  Well, enjoy the show. Who will you be taking?

Yes. Who will he be taking?

Gaius makes a mental list of who he won't be taking.

Mental list: Not Margaret.

Maths On A Skateboard

Gaius returns with the shopping.

He drops his bag on the table, opens it and takes out his items.

Nose is on the floor, watching.

Oats. Cheese. Sardines. Celery. Apples. A tin of Mixed Berries.

Gaius picks up the tin, and examines the label.

He looks sceptical.

Nose's nose twitches.

Where are her blackberries?

Let's see how you like these, says Gaius. There were no fresh ones available.

He opens the tin. Sniffs the contents.

Disappointing, says Gaius. They look flaccid, and the liquid is brown.

He tips the contents of the tin into a dish and offers it to Nose.

Urr. Disgusting, thinks Nose. What is this pottage?

She kicks the dish. The contents spill out on the floor.

Drat! says Gaius. I should have strained them.

He sets about wiping the mess.

Nose can hear someone laughing.

Hee hee!

It is coming from a space in the shape of an auger, set in a pebble. Tiny and pretty.

How would you like it? says Nose.

I wouldn't, says Lavender. Or maybe I would. What is it?

Having a dish of disgusting disintegrating blobs set before you, says Nose. Dripping with brown stuff. What are they, ripped cushions?

Lavender looks at the ripped cushions.

She doesn't know if that's what they are.

Gaius is wiping around them.

They don't look like blackberries, says Gaius.

He tries one.

Hum, says Gaius, chewing thoughtfully.

He wrings out the rag.

All in all, says Gaius, not worth three dollars eighty. And what can I feed the bandicoot?

Nose thinks: He could try the apples.

You've got nothing, says Lavender. Like me.

You don't have a stomach, says Nose.

I know the future, says Lavender.

Just yours? asks Nose. That's useless.

Yours too, says Lavender. You will go on a journey.

I've been on a journey, says Nose. And I'm escaping from another journey.

That's right, says Lavender. The tunnel.

That is right! says Nose. There's no way I'm going through that tunnel. Who knows what creeps I'll meet in the Mark Oliphant Conservation Park? They might all be jerks.

They might be jerks, says Lavender. But they might be skateboarders.

Might they? says Nose.

They might be, says Lavender. Skateboarding in the tunnel. Doing three sixties.

What's three sixties? asks Nose.

I just made it up. says Lavender. It's like maths. Anyone can do it. But not on a skateboard.

Nose looks at Lavender with admiration.

Lavender is flattered. This is like being her cousin. This is like being Baby Pierre.

Woohoo! He would go outside next.

Just go. Not asking anyone's permission.

Come outside, Nose, says Lavender. I know where ants are.

The best part is, Nose knows how to open the door.

Nose Pricks Up Her Ears

Kobo was right. It was Gaius's key in the door.

He enters, to find Ageless collapsed on the floor of the kitchen.

The top half of his carapace lies askew, his large claw appears loosened.

What's this! says Gaius, dropping his back pack.

Oof! A muffled sound squoofs from the back pack.

Gaius lifts Ageless (and his parts) and drops the lot in the sink below Kobo.

He turns the tap on.

Bath would be better, says Kobo. You'll need the sink for the dishes.

True, says Gaius. Good thinking.

Ageless is removed to the bathroom and placed in the bath. The tap is turned on.

Gaius returns to the kitchen to look for some salt.

He doesn't use salt much. But yes, there is some salt in a yellow container.

He returns to the bathroom, to do some salt concentration calculations.

When he returns, the bandicoot is out of the back pack and looking for something to eat, preferably blackberries.

There's nothing to eat, says Gaius, until I go shopping.

That's fine, thinks the bandicoot. So much for promises.

Lavender has been observing.

Hello animal, are you a specimen? I like your long nose.

Who said that? The bandicoot can't see anyone.

Gaius's phone rings.

Hello?

It's David. Are you back yet? How did it go?

Terrible, says Gaius. And I've landed myself with a bandicoot.

How did that happen? asks David.

I was talking with a chap from the Environmental Institute, says Gaius. There are plans for a bandicoot superhighway. The bandicoots are finding it increasingly hard to find mates in different locations, so the plan is to build a tunnel to connect them.

But why have you got a bandicoot? asks David. Is it some sort of activist?

I don't know, says Gaius. So far it hasn't said anything.

The bandicoot smirks.

Lavender wriggles herself free of the window sill, and rolls to the floor, with a clatter, landing next to the bandicoot.

Hey, Nose, can you ride a bicycle?

The bandicoot has never been asked this question. Nor does it answer to Nose.

It thinks silently: O for just one single blackberry!

I've just been talking to Rabbie, says David. He's back from Blaxland.

Poets, says Gaius. Always feeling something.

Mother's going over, next week, says David.

Katherine! says Gaius. What for?

To look after the children while their parents are in Barbados, says David. Lucky them, eh?

Hm, says Gaius. Barbados. I know a chap who wrote a book on Barbados. A Natural History In Ten Books. Very commendable. Accurate drawings of palm trees. The first known description of grapefruit...

Some time ago then, says David.

Yes, says Gaius. Wonder where he is these days....

Well, good to know that you're back, says David. Drop into the office sometime. Vello's got a few spare Fringe tickets.

Thanks, says Gaius. Will do. But first I must do some shopping.

Of course, says David. Food for the bandicoot. What do they eat, mainly?

Insects, worms, larvae, spiders, tubers, fungi and fruits, says Gaius. The Southern Brown Bandicoot is particularly fond of blackberries.

Blackberries. Nose pricks up her ears.

Gaius goes out, on his bicycle.

The house is quiet.

Ageless moults in the bath.

Kobo dreams of Barbados.

Lavender sulks, because Nose is so rude.

Nose imagines a punnet, piled high with juicy black berries. Perhaps an ant or two. Even a spider. A delicious banquet. She will eat everything. Then she will surprise them!

Sweet Stickler

Ageless's carapace is visibly cracking.

Do sit down, Ageless, says Kobo. And get on with your story.

Crik-crik-craaak. Ageless sits down.

He assembles his memories.

The family had completed 18 holes of Minigolf. Then what?

He sees a dark tunnel.

Was that then? Is it now? Are there balls in it?

Ach! Moulting is awful. Cric! I require total privacy. And water.

It was too early for lunch, says Ageless. We sat in the snack shop.

Fish won a blue and white fluffy toy from the Claw Machine.

Butterfly didn't seem to mind that she didn't.

We ordered drinks. The children had slushies.

Rabbie? What did he have ? asks Kobo.

I thought you knew all about him, says Ageless.

If you say so, says Kobo. Black coffee?

Probably, says Ageless. Ugh-oo-ah!

Go to the bathroom, says Kobo.

Not yet, croaks Ageless. It has become important to me .....to.....crik....arrive at....the present.

I understand that, says Kobo. Shall we both go?

NO! snaps Ageless. His upper carapace is loosening. Agchh!

It was time for lunch. We drove into Penrith and went to Ichiban Sushi.

I like sushi, says Lavender. What did I have?

No interruptions, says Ageless. It was not the last of my trials. I sat on a seat opposite Rabbie and Jean while colour coded plates of sushi rumbled past me.

A Sushi Train! says Kobo.

A sushi train, says Ageless. Have you any idea? How shall I convey it.....?

I will, says Lavender. Did they have steamed pork dumplings?

Nuh...o, grits Ageless. Would that they had. They had everything else. Prawns, calamari, octopus, even salmon, drawn and quartered, chopped, rolled in rice and wrapped in black seaweed. I could hear them rolling by me, faintly burbling.....ooh..pff...ee..ah...

That is not burbling, says Kobo. That is moaning.

Moaning, says Ageless. Thank you, my sweet stickler for exactitude. You see words are beginning to fail me.

Cut it short then, says Kobo. I hear a key in the door. It's probably Gaius. He'll be wanting to talk about bandicoots and that native parasite, the snottygobble.

Ageless collects himself.

I left the Ichiban before the others, says Ageless. I crossed the road. I entered the first shop I saw. It sold ladies swimsuits.

Any nice ones? asks Kobo.

Any small ones? asks Lavender.

I was not looking for nice ones or small ones, says Ageless. But I was soothed by the concept of ladies in swimsuits. It made me think of the sea. A tropical island. Dear Kobo....urrh!

At this point Ageless is obliged to stop talking. O the pain. O the ache. He really ought to have gone to the bathroom.

But Kobo is thinking:

Ageless. The sea. A tropical island. A nice swimsuit. Surely Ageless was about to invite her on a fabulous holiday. After he's moulted of course.

And when he does she will say YES AGELESS, YES I WILL, YES.

Redemption Hole

Come then, to the Minigolf, says Ageless. You tell the story.

But I don't know what happened, says Lavender.

If you were there, different things would have happened, says Ageless.

Lavender thinks about this for a moment.

It's true. But why is Ageless letting her do it?

She closes her eyes for a moment. Expands to the limits of her space.

Lavender's Version of What Happened at the Unreal Minigolf:

I wasn't scared, because Fish was in front of me.
I followed Fish.
Fish hit the golf ball, with a stick.
(I invented the stick part).
It was my go, but I couldn't hold the stick,
Even though I invented it.
I stood on an edge.
It was good till we came to the Mad Lab.
Fish had been there before.
He pressed a button.
Smoke billowed out and sparks.
He got into trouble.
It was funny.

Lavender, says Ageless That is remarkably similar to what actually happened.

How did Jean do? asks Kobo.

Very well, says Ageless. She is a golfer.

What about Rabbie? asks Kobo.

He lagged behind us, says Ageless.

He must have got in the way of the second family, says Kobo.

He must have, says Ageless.

Allow me, says Kobo. Rabbie is my favourite character.

Kobo's Version of What Happened at the Unreal Minigolf:

Rabbie had come along hoping to redeem himself.
He had been remarkably quiet since the revelation.
Who knew that the family would take against him
For agreeing to work as an overseer on a sugar plantation?
He, a poor struggling farmer in Ayrshire,
Handsome, a poet,
A fine turn of leg in his trousers.

No Ageless, it can't be denied.
He was loved by the ladies.
He fathered upwards of thirteen children.
The last one was born on the day that he died.
And to be fair, he did not go to Jamaica.

He tried his hardest at the Minigolf
If he could just get a hole in one!
But feck! (Is that Irish?)
It's Jean who gets one.

Ageless nods stiffly.

Why so stiff? asks Kobo. Isn't that exactly what happened?

If you say so, says Ageless.

I Feared Death A Little

Press on, Ageless, says Kobo. Where did you sleep that night?

On a pile of compost, recently vacated by a dead parrot, says Ageless.

Was it smelly? asks Lavender.

Of course it was smelly, says Ageless, but the pool was out of the question, due to the chlorine.

Were you scared? asks Lavender. Were there possums?

I was afraid, but not of possums, says Ageless. I feared death, a little.

Death, a little, says Kobo. In that you are like Roger Casement.

Damn! She is back to thinking about that annoying Roger Casement.

How wonderful, says Ageless, to be compared to such a hero. Is he hanged yet?

He is turning Catholic, says Kobo. He is making a confession. He is seeing in his mind's eye the face of his mother. He is having a shower, and putting on the clothes that have been washed and pressed for him, including high shoes. What do you suppose high shoes are?

I don't know, my lovely, says Ageless. Was he a short man?

No, he was tall, says Kobo. Now he is being blindfolded and led to the scaffold. The hangman respects him, because he is brave. The hangman's name is John Ellis. John Ellis tells Roger to hold his breath, so that it will be quicker.

What a sage piece of advice, says Ageless. I shall keep it in mind, when my time comes.

O yes, says Kobo. The moulting. Would you like to come up to the sink? I could run some water.

Cruel Kobo! As if he would choose to moult directly below her.

No, I have a few hours yet, says Ageless. I should like to continue my confession...I mean story.

Go on, dear, says Kobo.

Heartened, Ageless continues.

The next day was Butterfly's birthday and her daddy was coming home from Denmark first thing in the morning.

Did she get presents? asks Lavender.

Yes, says Ageless. The Walk and Poo Barbie, Horrible Eyeballs, a Lego Friends Air Balloon, a silver necklace and a dress, lacy and creamy. You would like it, my angel.

I would NOT, says Kobo.

You would look nice in it, says Ageless.

Don't push it, says Kobo.

Then what happened? asks Lavender.

General happiness, says Ageless. Then we drove down to play Unreal Minigolf in Penrith.

Can I go? asks Lavender

You can't play Minigolf, says Ageless. No arms. And you would have been frightened.

I'm never frightened says Lavender. Why would I?

The course is in a dark warehouse, says Ageless. Through a jungle with wild animals, past Egyptian mummies, a Mad Lab with toxic ooze and smoke, and a haunted cemetery. And the holes into which you must drive your golf ball are not easy to access. A second family constantly loomed up behind us.

I would love ALL of it, says Lavender. Except for the golf ball.

Barbs Of Pain

Outrageous! says Kobo. No watermelon. How was it advertised?

Ageless is wary. Kobo may not be serious. No watermelon versus the gallows for Roger Casement. Really?

He treads carefully.

Over a loud speaker, says Ageless. IT'S A WATERMELON KIND OF DAY! COME UP TO THE SAUSAGE SIZZLE AND ASK FOR A SLICE OF COOL WATERMELON.

That is definitive, says Kobo. And yet ...?

When I hauled myself up there, says Ageless, past the sizzling sausages, frying eggs and enticing bacon sandwiches, there was not one slice of watermelon.

Did you ask? asks Kobo.

No, says Ageless. I had lost heart. It was a bad day all round for me. I was dejected. The sun beat down. I began to suspect I was moulting.

What bad timing that would have been, says Kobo. But by the look of you, I suspect you were wrong about moulting.

What does that mean? asks Ageless.

She is looking at him. At least she is paying attention. Suck on that, Roger Casement.

I know, says Lavender. It means you look like you're oozing out of your cracks.

Out of the mouths of babes, says Ageless. Correct, Lavender. I have not yet moulted, and my carapace is uncomfortably tight. It is only a matter of hours now......

Better hurry up with your story, says Kobo. A bad day all round....?

A bad day all round, says Ageless. We drove home. We polished off the chocolate cake from Jean's birthday. I felt bilious. I dragged myself down to the pool.

On the way I passed a dead bird.

The same one that Rabbie had stepped on, and placed on the compost heap.

It was back on the grass, in a different location.

Same blue feathers. Same flies.

I squeezed under the gate and dropped into the green slimy water. I lay in a corner.

To take my mind off my coming trials I attempted a poem in the style of Franz Kafka.

Did Kafka write poetry? asks Kobo. I thought he wrote novels and stories.

That was what made it a challenge, says Ageless. See what you think, my beloved:

Green water presses, heavy
with barbs of pain.
To exit this lower corner
I must exit myself (again).

Wow! says Lavender.

Not bad, says Kobo.

Not bad? says Ageless. I laboured for ten minutes to come up with it! I would have polished it further but just at that moment..... came the cataclysm!

Woo! says Lavender. What's a cataclysm?

The children's mother had made a quick trip to Bunnings to buy chlorine, because the pool was too green for the children to swim in.

She poured copious amounts of liquid chlorine into my corner.

I choked. I burned. I rose to the surface. I spluttered.

No doubt it was this event that arrested my moulting.

He glances at Kobo. Is it possible she looks sympathetic?

From Treason To Troubles

Kobo is opening her book again.

(Ageless is filled with chagrin).

Roger Casement is now in Peru. If anything, it is worse than the Congo.

The indigenous people are whipped, tortured, and mutilated, on the rubber plantations. Roger is writing a report, interviewing perpetrators and victims.

As much as she feels sorry for the victims, Kobo also feels sorry for Roger Casement.

 He has malaria, and piles and arthritis.

He is gay in a time when being gay is a crime.

And he longs for an independent Ireland.

One day this will be his downfall.

Ageless knows he must top this fine story

Saturday was hot, says Ageless, and we all got up early.

No answer.

We had to go out, says Ageless.

No question.

All of us, says Ageless. We were each allotted a task. Mine was to go with the Under Nine Girls and observe them.

No interest.

Kobo turns a page. Roger is writing something incriminating, in his diary. Don't do it, Roger!

And Jean with the Under Eight Boys, says Ageless. But it was my group who had the controversy.

Was Butterfly in your group? asks Lavender.

At last! A question, but not from his beloved.

He sidles over to Kobo. Scrapes his claw on her stony facade.

Get OFF! says Kobo. Roger Casement is in Pentonville Prison, facing the gallows!

(Yes, it does jump about a bit).

What for? asks Ageless, in spite of his other agenda.

Treason, says Kobo. Roger thought that the Irish should fight on the side of the Germans.

This means nothing to Ageless.

Or as much as the idea that the Germans should fight on the side of the English. (And there is no one who thinks this).

At least Lavender seems to be interested.

Yes, Lavender, says Ageless. Butterfly was in my group. And all went well until the eight hundred metres when she came third, beating Rachel. I saw it.

But Rachel was given third by the spotter.

Butterfly complained, but Rachel insisted that she had come third, and screwed up her face in faux-crying.

There was no way to achieve justice for Butterfly.

But you saw it, says Lavender.

As an honorary member of Butterfly's family, I kept quiet, says Ageless. To speak up would have smacked of nepotism.

Honorary nepotism, says Kobo, looking up from the troubles of Roger Casement. That's a good one. How did Butterfly take it?

With equanimity, says Ageless. It was I who was most affected. I made my way up to the sausage sizzle for a slice of the advertised watermelon.

To soothe yourself, says Kobo. With watermelon. How pleasant.

Except that there wasn't any, says Ageless.

It's The Sea Sinking

It's a LINE, says Lavender.

Correct, says Ageless. And it represents something.

Something that changes, says Kobo.

It gets longer, says Lavender.

No it doesn't, says Ageless.

It did until you stopped making it, says Lavender.

That's true, says Kobo.

But remember, my cream puff, Fish and I used pencils and paper. And we were Not Talking.

You were whispering, says Kobo. At this point, what did you whisper?

I whispered that it was his turn, says Ageless.

To do what? asks Kobo.

Draw stage two, says Ageless.

How did he know what to do? asks Kobo.

He knew, says Ageless, because we had agreed beforehand.

So it wasn't a guessing game, says Kobo.

More of a task, says Ageless. The task being, to complete it.

You are talking in riddles, says Kobo. What did Fish draw?

I know! says Lavender.

We'll see, says Ageless.

He draws a wavy line in the air with his claw.

That's what I thought, says Lavender.

Meaning? asks Ageless.

I THOUGHT.  I don't know the meaning, says Lavender.

You, beloved? says Ageless.

I do not know the meaning, says Kobo. Other than the line is now wavy.

Warm, says Ageless. Care to make a guess now?

No, says Kobo. I don't want to spoil your No Talking in the Quiet Carriage game. I presume there's a third stage, and Fish drew it.

It was pointy, says Lavender.

Ageless is taken aback.

It was, arguably, pointy.

Ageless raises his claw as if tired, and makes a series of peaks in the air.

It's the sea, says Kobo.

It is, says Ageless.

I knew that, says Lavender. I went to the beach once.

More than once, says Kobo. You were born there. A tiny shell, in the shape of an auger.

A little know-all, says Ageless. Pointy.

No need to get personal, says Kobo.

What do you think of my narrative so far, my sweetness? asks Ageless.

You have the knack of extension, says Kobo.

Is that all? Ageless sinks in his own estimation.

Fates Of The Morally Defective

The point is, says Ageless, Rabbie Burns didn't go to Jamaica.

The point is, says Kobo, he was willing to work on a slave plantation. Unless, of course, he changed his mind when he found out what the job was.

He changed his mind, says Ageless, for a literary reason. His first book of poems was published, and sold out immediately. So he stayed in Scotland, to be famous.

Where's Jamaica? asks Lavender. Is it in Barbados?

Ha ha, laughs Ageless. Is Tasmania in Hawaii?

Is it? asks Lavender.

No, says Ageless. They are quite far apart.

I'm just trying to understand what the point is, says Lavender.

The point is, says Kobo, that Burns isn't a suitable character to look after the children. He is morally defective.

He took me to the beach once, says Lavender. He knew where it was.

On the bus, says Kobo. That is hardly the same as knowing where Barbados is located.

He has no need to know where Barbados is located, snaps Ageless. Let me get on with my story.

Kobo opens her book, as a warning.

We caught the train home, says Ageless. We were in a quiet carriage. That means No Talking.

Kobo starts reading. The Dream of the Celt. Poor Roger Casement! Such a good man, to end up in prison.

No talking! says Lavender. Why?

Some passengers don't like other people talking, says Ageless. They choose a Quiet Carriage.

Did you not like people talking? asks Lavender.

The train was full, says Ageless. We had no choice but to sit there.

Kobo wonders how Ageless will make a narrative out of Not Talking. A narrative that is more exciting than the story of Roger Casement. Roger in Africa, in 1884. Seeing the cruelty of King Leopold's rubber plantations in the Belgian Congo. Later, meeting Joseph Conrad......

I sat next to Fish, says Ageless. We had a box of pencils and a notebook. We communicated in whispers.

What did you say? asks Lavender.

We whispered about what we would draw with our pencils, says Ageless. The rules were simple. We must draw things that change. And we could use any colour.

What did you draw? asks Lavender.

I'll show you, says Ageless. Give me a pencil.

But they are in Gaius's kitchen. Gaius never has a pencil.

Ageless draws a flat line in the air with his claw.

Things that change?

Will it draw Kobo's attention away from the fate of Roger Casement?

A Future Not Good Enough

Ageless is silent for a moment.

Are you thinking about the future? asks Lavender.

Yes, says Ageless. How did you know?

Because I know the future, says Lavender.

But I'm thinking about the future now, says Ageless.

And I know what it is, says Lavender.

What is it? says Ageless.

You go home on the train, says Lavender. And you play the P game.

Wrong, says Ageless. And it's not just a P game. We stroll to Darling Harbour. We catch a ferry to Circular Quay. We visit the Rocks, and drink coffee while watching the stall holders try to sell intricately fabricated artefacts.

Shells? says Lavender.

Shells are not artefacts, says Ageless. We speak of the future. The children's daddy will soon be returning from Denmark, where it is winter.

It's not winter! says Lavender.

It is in Denmark, says Ageless. And there is good news. No doubt you already know what it is.

Don't tease her, says Kobo.

Never, my sweetness, says Ageless.

So, what is it? asks Kobo. A nice holiday somewhere, on an island?

Ageless is surprised that she's guessed it.

Yes, a week in Barbados, paid for by the Company, spouses included.

And children, says Lavender.

No children, says Ageless. So Butterfly and Fish will need minding. Jean is returning to Scotland, and can't do it. I offer to do it. The children's mother declines my kind offer.

Very wise, says Kobo.

She is hoping that Rabbie will do it, says Ageless.

And will he? asks Kobo.

O yes, says Ageless. He is only too happy. He tells her he once almost went to Jamaica.

What relevance does that have? asks Kobo.

Ill-starred relevance, answers Ageless. It seems he was struggling to run the family farm in Ayrshire, and when his friend Patrick Douglas offered him a position as overseer on a sugar plantation in Jamaica he jumped at the offer.

Wait a minute! says Kobo.

That's what the children's mother said, says Ageless.

Were there SLAVES on that sugar plantation? asks Kobo.

You echo her words exactly, says Ageless. And of course the answer was yes, there were slaves on the sugar plantation.

And did he not CARE? asks Kobo.

Apparently not, says Ageless. But he says he does now.

I'm not sure that's good enough, says Kobo.

A Pivotal Moment

I've lost my thread now, says Ageless.

Collect your thoughts. I'll read my book, says Kobo.

I'll show the others my jam, says Lavender.

She really means Baby Pierre. But he is not back yet. There is only his mother, a circle of shells, and a blue rock, half turned to the window.

Nothing to see there, says Kobo.

Right! Got it! says Ageless. Next day, we all caught the train into Sydney, to celebrate Rabbie Burns' birthday.

How nice, says Kobo, opening The Dream of the Celt, by Vargos Llosa.

On the train we played a game with the children, says Ageless. It was called Stop the Bus.

Did I play? asks Lavender.

You wouldn't know how to, says Ageless. How many things can you think of beginning with P in the category of Mathematics?

Pencil, says Lavender. Paper, Pi-chart, Polygon, Parabola....

You only need one, says Ageless.

You said how many, says Lavender.

In case we play it again, says Ageless, and the letter P is again randomly chosen.

Ageless, get on with the story, says Kobo.

Certainly, my dumpling, says Ageless. I am coming to a dark part.

Ooh, says Lavender. Is it scary?

Of course it is, says Ageless. We go to China Town for Yum Cha.

Here we are, sat at the table, Jean, Rabbie, me, Butterfly and Fish, and their mother. Fish gets up to look into the aquarium at the live seafood. He calls me over.

I look. I say nothing. My seafood fellows do not indicate that they see me. They undulate up and down. They purport not to know the future.

I know the future! squeaks Lavender.

You don't know mine, says Ageless.

Go on, says Kobo, closing The Dream of the Celt. What happened?

We sit down again, says Ageless. Jean pours a cup of green tea for Rabbie.

We are offered prawn dumplings, spring rolls, pork buns, fried calamari.

We sample them all. We drink copious amounts of green tea and the inevitable happens. We must visit the toilets.

Hee hee, giggles Lavender.

Not funny, says Ageless. In this establishment the toilets can be accessed from the restaurant or from a side street. In order to protect them from damage by ill-intentioned persons, a code must be entered on a panel fixed to the door of the toilets.

How do you know what the code is? asks Lavender.

It is displayed on the inner door of the restaurant that leads to the toilets, says Ageless. One code for the ladies. One for the gents.

Fish has committed both codes to memory.

When I emerge from the toilet, Fish is outside, tampering with the code to the ladies.

He claims to have altered the sequence, and locked his mother and sister inside.

I walk back to the table with Fish, past the aquarium, wondering what will happen, and should I do something about it.

And what did happen? asks Kobo.

Nothing, says Ageless. They were not locked in. But for me, it was a pivotal moment.

Pivotal, says Lavender. Is that one?

I suppose it's broadly mathematical, says Kobo. But I don't think that Ageless is playing.

Out Of The Frying Pan Into The Jam

Is Ageless coming? asks Lavender.

Ask him, say Kobo. I don't think he's escaped yet.

Have you? asks Lavender.

No, says Ageless. Not yet. I'm inside a bag on a double decker bus on its way to the Hydro Majestic.

With the Japanese couple, says Kobo.

With the Japanese couple, says Ageless. I hear them conversing:

What do you imagine High Tea is, Tsuma? he asks her.

She replies: I have no idea, Otto.

The tour bus follows the Great Western Highway out of Leura.

Passes through Katoomba.

And stops, outside the historic Hydro Majestic Hotel.

Then what? asks Lavender. Do they leave you on the bus?

They are courteous, says Ageless. They open the bag and address me. Lobster, would you care to come in for High Tea?

I reply: I should be honoured.

Is that wise? asks Kobo.

Yes, says Ageless. To remain on the bus would be foolish.

Why? asks Kobo You could try to escape.

Where to, beloved? A lobster, alone in the high mountains?

Not your milieu, says Kobo.

I place my hopes in High Tea, says Ageless.

So what is it? asks Lavender.

Listen and learn, replies Ageless.

We enter through the casino with its grand chandelier, and proceed to the Wintergarden, an elegant room, with a fireplace and charming artworks, and a view of the Megalong Valley. We sit at a table. A High Tea awaits us.

And that is.....? prompts Kobo

On a three-tier silver stand, says Ageless, are arranged little pastries, finger sandwiches, and freshly baked scones with homemade jam and clotted cream. My Japanese captors stuff themselves so full that they lose all desire to eat me.

Well done, Ageless, says Kobo. So you return with them on the bus to Leura, no longer a potential dinner.

I do, says Ageless. We converse. It turns out they greatly dislike Murakami.

Philistines, says Kobo.

I know you admire him, says Ageless.

Anyway, says Kobo, you get off the bus in Leura.

And find you in Wayzgoose café, says Ageless, just in time to go home together.

Have I eaten anything? asks Lavender.

You are so full of red jam that no one wants to sit next to you, says Ageless.

Thanks, Ageless, says Lavender. See, Kobo. I'm full of red jam.

Sorry, Ageless, says Kobo, Lavender is not full of jam. We've already left, without you.

I'm standing right here, says Ageless. How do you explain that?

Think back, says Kobo.

Ageless thinks back to where he began recounting his story/excuse for lateness) ....

Gaius's kitchen. Which is where they are now.

Okay. No need to explain it.

Wayzgoose and Means

The others have begun the climb up from the waterfall.

Ageless is still at the bottom.

No way he can ever climb up again.

He hauls himself to the pool at the base of the waterfall.

He stares morosely at his reflection in the water.

What a loser.

LOSER! That does it, says Ageless. I'm not having this version.

Are you not? says Kobo. Then tell us what happens.

I enter the AREA, says Ageless.

Area? says Kobo. What area? Oh, the Japanese area?

The very area, says Ageless. Fearless I am. The Japanese couple eye me with a series of easily interpreted reactions.

Which are? says Kobo, not letting on how much she admires the last sentence.

Which are, says Ageless, surprise, xenophobia, recognition, hunger, delight, greed and deception.

In other words, says Kobo. They nab you.

They glance around furtively, says Ageless. Then they nab me. It's risky. They want me for their dinner. But I want a lift to the car park.

Well done, says Kobo. You've arrived just in time for our game of cricket.

I don't play cricket, says Ageless. I have not yet escaped from the bag of the Japanese couple.

Then you'd better hurry, says Kobo. You're bowling.

No, here I go, says Ageless. Into the tour bus, still in the basket.

Bag, says Kobo. Well good luck escaping. If you manage it, we'll be in the Wayzgoose Cafe enjoying Flower Pot scones and milkshakes.

O goody, says Lavender.

Howzat! says Rabbie, who has just been bowled out by Butterfly.

The family bowl four more overs, and head off in the car to the Wayzgoose. The fog has now lifted.

The Wayzgoose is slowly being eaten by termites. Apart from that it's the coolest café.

Coffee, milkshakes and two giant Flower Pot scones are brought to the table.

Now this is my version, says Lavender.

Hm? says Kobo.

I eat a scone, whispers Lavender. With cream and jam on it......

Impossible, says Kobo. You don't have the means to ingest it.

Mysterious Area

Was it far? asks Kobo.

Too far, my beloved, says Ageless. And on the way, it grew misty.

It's summer! says Kobo.

I know, says Ageless. But we were in the Blue Mountains. Anything can happen.

What did happen? asks Kobo.

We drove through Leura, says Ageless. The mist thickened to a fog. We could not see the road before us.

We were lost! says Lavender.

We were not lost, says Kobo. We stopped at a clearing, and looked for the trail leading down to the waterfall. The children headed down, with Jean and their mummy. Ageless just stood there.

Hold it, beloved, says Ageless. Since when have you become one of the party?

Since things became dangerous, says Kobo.

Fair enough, says Ageless. You go down, sweetness. I'll wait up here.

I shall go with the Poet, says Kobo. He will assist me.

And me, says Lavender. You'll be all by yourself, Ageless.

See if I care, says Ageless.

Kobo starts down the trail, with Rabbie Burns, and Lavender.

Ageless kicks at an ants' nest. The ants become angry.

Ageless remembers the picnic. It will be eaten down at the bottom, next to the waterfall. White bread rolls with lettuce, tomato and a choice of ham or salami.

He likes salami.

He takes the first steps down, gingerly. The mist lifts a little, revealing an informative trail sign, describing a bird that may or not make an appearance.

Crark-crark.

His claws scrape on the stepping stones.

The path grows steeper.

He hears voices, far below him.

Rabbie Burns, telling Kobo and Lavender how he almost went to Jamaica.

Kobo, replying that she knows someone who went to Barbados.

Lavender, boasting that she once went to China.

Ageless picks up speed, but is still the last one to get to the bottom.

A Japanese couple, sitting on a rock, nod mysteriously. The man has a walking stick. He draws a semi circle in the sand, around where he and his wife are sitting.

My area, says the Japanese man.

Ageless skirts it.

Are there any salami rolls left? No, there were only four of salami, the rest were ham, cheese and salad, except for one, ham-cheese-tomato sauce, Fish's favourite.

Butterfly and Fish are looking for something in the water, with Jean and their mummy.

The waterfall spurts down the black rock face.

Spider webs tremble in the cold branches. The air is chilly.

Rabbie Burns plods over, and squats before Ageless.

The best laid plans of mice and men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain
For promis'd joy, says Rabbie.

His breath smells of salami.

Ageless is furious.

Who is it comes up with such nonsense?

To Think Someone Designed This

My turn, says Lavender.

For what? asks Kobo.

For telling the story, says Lavender. I'll only say nice things.

That will be lovely, says Kobo. A change from Ageless's dark rantings.

She won't know what happens, says Ageless.

I will, says Lavender. I know the future.

Asleep, are you? snaps Ageless. Sleeping in Butterfly's bedroom with the pandas and Barbies?

YES! cries Lavender. Sleeping with the Barbies. And guess what? Butterfly is getting a new one.

Not yet, says Kobo. It's not quite her birthday.

But I know which Barbie, says Lavender. Walk and Poo Barbie.

Good Heavens! says Kobo. Is there such a Barbie? Does she suffer from IB Syndrome?

It's her PUPPY, says Lavender. It does poos. And Barbie has to pick them up with a scooper.

What does she do with them? asks Kobo.

She puts them back into the puppy, says Kobo. Then the puppy goes walking ... and out drop the poos again.

To think that someone has sat in a office and designed this, says Kobo.

It's funny. says Lavender.

Poos are not in themselves funny, says Kobo. Let's move on, dear. Tell us what you did the next day.

I woke up, says Lavender. Butterfly was still sleeping  I went downstairs to talk to the Poet. He knows me.

Of course, says Kobo. He knows you. What did he say?

Nothing, says Lavender. He was looking at the jigsaw. He was staring and staring. I hopped up on the table. There were lots of spaces.

I waited.

He inserted a piece.

It was right next to where I was waiting.

I thought he would see me.

No one can see you, says Ageless.

My space, where I am, says Lavender.

But you yourself are not visible, says Ageless.

You daft piece of shite, says Lavender.

Lavender! says Kobo.

He said it, says Lavender.

I was quoting the Poet, says Ageless.

That's who said it, says Lavender. It's a really hard jigsaw.

What about the rest of the day? asks Kobo. Did you all go out somewhere?

Yes, says Ageless. Did we? O yes, I remember.

You did what you did, says Lavender. And I stayed at home, with the Poet.

The Poet came with us! says Ageless. That proves you can't tell the future!

It wasn't the future, says Lavender.

It was then, says Ageless.

So now we have two versions, says Kobo. Amusing. Tell us yours, Ageless.

Ageless is not happy. A version! To convince her, he must speak with precision. And pile on the details.

Ahem, begins Ageless:

We left at nine thirty, for Leura, in the Blue Mountains. Our aim was to do something Australian, on Australia Day. A descent to a waterfall, a picnic, a climb, a coffee and flower pot scone.

How delightful, says Kobo. Go on, Ageless.

Can I come ? asks Lavender.

What about your version? says Ageless.

I can do it in the car, says Lavender. And the Poet can help me. He's coming too, for a scone.

It Was The Pathos

And did I converse with the Poet? asks Ageless.

O yes, says Kobo. You rose from the silent black water.

Gurgling water, says Ageless.

Please yourself, says Kobo. You squeezed yourself under the gate. You and the Poet took a turn round the dark leafy garden, conversing.

He mentioned the jigsaw. He said he hoped that the family dog would not wave its tail over the pieces, and knock them off the table.

Did he tell me who won the tennis? asks Ageless.

Would you have wanted to know? asks Kobo.

It is always best to know who won the tennis, says Ageless.

He didn't, says Kobo. And that was because of the murder.

Oh you know about that do you, says Ageless.

The whole family knew, says Kobo.

Not immediately, says Ageless.

Not till the next afternoon, says Kobo. By that time the flies and the ants had got to it.

It wasn't me, says Ageless. It was the Poet. His stone boots crushed the bird's tiny bones. It was dying in any case.

So you say, says Kobo.

I was there, says Ageless. Rabbie Burns did the gentlemanly thing.

Killed it, says Kobo.

I hate this story, says Lavender.

Courage!, says Ageless. You'll like the next part.

What is the next part? asks Kobo.

(An error. Ageless regains control of the story)

The Poet was thoughtful, says Ageless. He looked down at his boot. Blue feathers were stuck to it.

Blue ones, says Lavender. That's really sad.

He scraped them off, says Ageless.

Lavender looks disgusted. That was not what was sad. It was the pathos.

Poor wee birdie, says Rabbie. Still thou art blest compared wi' me.

How did he figure that out? asks Kobo.

I know, says Lavender. Because the birdie hadn't killed anyone.

Not that, says Ageless. Because only the present touched him.

That's horrid! says Lavender. The present was a haggis. Did the dead bird look like squashed haggis?

Lavender! says Kobo. What an imagination! Ageless, what did the Poet say?

Ageless scowls:

Still thou art blest compared wi' me!
The present only touches thee:
But Och! I backward cast my e'e
On prospects drear!
And forward, tho' I cannot see
I guess and fear.

If I was that bird, says Lavender, I would stick to his boot for EVER.

Spare the Poet, Lavender, says Kobo. Ageless has hopelessly buggered up the story.

Start With The Edges

He was taller? says Ageless. And more handsome?

A great deal more handsome, says Kobo. Dark curling hair and tight trousers.

And what happened at the end of the trousers? asks Ageless.

The lower end? says Kobo. A fine pair of boots.

He must have got back into them, says Ageless. That would explain it. What did he say?

Good evening, says Kobo. Of course Jean recognised him at once.

And invited him in, says Ageless.

You, Ageless, were in the green slimy pool at the bottom of the garden, says Kobo.

Meaning? says Ageless.

You could not know, says Kobo. Let me tell the story.

You weren't there either, my butterball, says Ageless.

I was there, says Lavender.

But you were upstairs, says Kobo. Reading a story with Fish.

Oh, says Lavender. What was it?

Think hard, says Kobo.

So Rabbie Burns came in, says Ageless. How did he explain that he'd arrived without any presents?

He had no need to, says Kobo. Jean thanked him for the haggis and apologised that the family had already eaten it. She asked him if he'd like to watch the tennis.

The tennis, says Ageless. No doubt he refused. He is more of a talker.

He did not refuse, says Kobo. He was charming. He came in and sat down in front of the tennis.

Who was playing? asks Ageless.

Don't you know? says Kobo. But of course, you were in the dark pool, sulking.

Federer? says Ageless. Nadal? Venus? Serena?

To be honest, says Kobo, it could have been anyone. Rabbie never saw any of it. Because Rabbie was confronted by a jigsaw.

On the television?

No, on the coffee table. A fiendishly hard one.

Can I come downstairs? asks Lavender. I love jigsaws.

Not this one, says Kobo.

I'm coming down anyway, says Lavender. The story's finished.

What was it? asks Ageless.

Mister Chatterbox, says Lavender. It had a trick ending.

I don't know Mister Chatterbox, says Kobo. What was the trick ending?

Keep it under your hat, says Lavender. What does that mean?

Kobo is not going down that path. She returns to the jigsaw.

Rabbie Burns likes a good jigsaw, He starts tinkering with the pieces. Hardly any of the jigsaw is done. The picture on the box is of Santorini, with its tiny white houses, brown cliffs and bushes, and soft blue-grey-pink sky.

Did he start with the edges?

He tried to, but then Jean brought out the Tobermory. She was expecting a nice conversation.

He told her about his nasty tumble.

From a safe distance, she examined his knees.

He placed a strategic corner.

The score was six love.

A double meaning! You have excelled yourself, my beloved, says Ageless.

Kobo ignores him.

At ten thirty, the Poet took a stroll to the bottom of the garden, before turning in.

He mounted the wooden steps to the railing that fenced off the pool. He leaned over the railing, and sighed.

My heart is sair, I dare na tell,
My heart is sair, for Somebody.

You stirred.

You rose to the surface, your eyes on stalks, waving.

He spotted you.

Ah! said the Poet. The haggis is explained.

Red Red

What happened to the card? asks Kobo.

Did I eat the haggis? asks Lavender?

The dog ate it, says Ageless.

The haggis? Lavender is hopeful.

No the dog ate the card. But it was rescued by Jean, before the words were obliterated.

What did it say? asks Kobo.

Happy Birthday, says Ageless.

That's a bit lame of the Poet, says Kobo. Was there a poem?

Yes, beloved, a beautiful poem. Fish read it out at the table.

He can read? asks Kobo.

O yes wonderfully, says Ageless.

What was it? asks Kobo.

Memory fails me, says Ageless.

What? says Kobo. Was that the poem?

That's a rubbish poem, says Lavender.

Wait, says Ageless. It's coming back. My love is like a red red.... something.

Haggis? asks Lavender. Was it red? YUCK and double YUCK. Did I eat it?

No, only Jean and the children's mummy ate it. The children picked round it. And it was black.

VOMM! says Lavender. What's it made of?

Sheep's pluck, says Kobo. But don't worry, dear, you didn't eat it. What was for pudding?

Ageless had not eaten the pudding.

He is silent, trying to remember.......

I suspect, says Kobo, a chocolate cake with candles.

A good guess, my precious cream puff, says Ageless. And afterwards we retired, I to the green pool, the others to various activities.

The dishes, and the Australian Open, says Kobo. A bath and a bedtime story for the children.

Possibly, says Ageless. I know nothing more. The pool was deep, and slime greenish.

Disgusting, says Lavender. Why did you go there?

I had had enough. Jean was asking too many questions. Why had I changed my appearance? Why had I not made a toast? I plunged in and sank to the bottom.

And you stayed there, says Kobo.

Did he? asks Lavender.

O yes, says Kobo. But no one even noticed. Shortly after Ageless's disappearance there came a knock on the door.

Ooh! says Lavender. And who was it?

Rabbie Burns, says Kobo, the Bard of Ayrshire.

Ageless is miffed.

How had he got there? asks Ageless. His legs were broken.

The same way you did, says Kobo. And, he was taller than you have described.

Why The Parcel Was Sweating

Ageless Lobster continues his story:

I heaved myself onto the train .....

Wait, says Kobo. You have not explained how you saw inside the parcel.

It was sweating, says Ageless. And grease, as you know, makes paper transparent.

Of course I know that, says Kobo. But why was it sweating?

That I did not find out until later, says Ageless.

But you must know now, says Kobo.

I do, says Ageless. But the story demands that you wait until the parcel is opened.

Which is when? asks Kobo. Your story is longer than I expected.

Open it now, says Lavender.

Can't, says Ageless. The parcel is sweating, so I can see the address through the paper. A strange meaty odour arises from inside the parcel. I shove it under my seat. A young person sits down beside me.

I don't believe it, says Kobo.

Well, she did, says Ageless. She had on those earphones.

Ha! says Kobo. She should have had nose cones.

Hee-hee, giggles Lavender.

She knows why Kobo said nose cones. Ageless's parcel was smelly.

I asked which station I should get off at, says Ageless. But she did not answer. I took up the parcel. She removed one of her earphones. I repeated my question. She answered: The next one.

I got off then, at Emu Plains. I trudged along the road with my parcel, hoping I was going in the right direction. Cars sped by me.

Was it dinner time? asks Lavender.

Hush, says Kobo. The story is just getting interesting.

Thank you, beloved, says Ageless. I feared that it wasn't.

It wasn't, says Kobo. That was a warning.

It will, my sweet.  I shall cut short my narrative. I arrived, just before dinner time, at a house half way down a steep shrubby garden, with a green pool at the bottom. I knocked. The door was opened by a woman, no longer young. I held forth the parcel.....

She took it.

For me?

Yes madam. A birthday gift from the Poet.

She unwrapped the parcel. The card dropped to the floor.

O how delightful. A haggis.

She turned. Look what someone has brought me!

A young boy came running. A lobster!

No, Fish, a beautiful haggis.

What's a haggis?

It's a savoury pudding. We shall have it for dinner.

She does not invite me inside.

Jean, I cried. Don't ye know me!

......

What are the dots for? asks Lavender.

Time passing, says Ageless. During which I convince her.

Of what? says Kobo. That you're Rabbie Burns, the Poet?

In a manner of speaking, says Ageless.

And you expect us to believe it? says Kobo.

Why not? She did, says Ageless. Bear with me.

Did you say Fish was there? asks Lavender.

Fish, yes, says Ageless.

And Butterfly? asks Lavender.

I did not say so, says Ageless. But yes, she was there.

We know them! cries Lavender. Don't we, Kobo?

We do, says Kobo.

Can I be in this story? asks Lavender.

Ageless is undecided. There is the question of credibility.

Let her, says Kobo.

All right, says Ageless. You are in this story. You are upstairs, playing with Butterfly in her bedroom.

Yay, says Lavender. Is it nearly dinner time?

Yes, says Ageless. It's almost time for the haggis.

Lavender had forgotten about the stinky old haggis. She wants to go home.