The Taste of Green

Have you completed your quest? asked the Buddha. Can you tell me why there are no green stars in the sky?

Yes and no, I replied. Insofar as I now believe that there may be many green stars in the sky, but that we are unable to perceive them, due to the way in which our eyes function.

Is that all? said the Buddha.

No. Furthermore there is little point in speaking of green stars if they are unable to be perceived by us, since colour does not exist apart from us.

Isn't that rather circular? asked the Buddha.

That's rich, coming from you, I said. Not everything is circular that one might expect to be circular. Here for example, I have brought you a green frog cake, which, as you will see if you care to open your eyes, is square.

Thank you, said the Buddha, not opening his eyes but holding out his hand, and taking the cake.

The Buddha bit into the cake. Did you say this was a green cake? he asked.

Yes.

It tastes just like a white cake, or a yellow cake, he said, chewing thoughtfully. I conclude there is no taste to green.

And he swallowed it, never noticing that it looked like a frog.

Green Frog Cakes

The Buddha was right, I said glumly to Pliny the Elder this morning. Google is confusing about green stars. Do you know why there are no green stars in the sky?

What do you mean, no green stars in the sky? said Pliny. Take a look in the newspaper. Here is a photograph of a whole sky full of green stars surrounding a black hole that's just been found at the outermost edge of the universe.

They look kind of bluish, I said doubtfully. And they wouldn't satisfy the Buddha. He was talking about stars that are visible to us.

Well, what did you learn from Google? asked Pliny. Perhaps we can sort out the confusion.

A site called Bad Astronomy says a star that's at the right temperature to emit green light would also emit some red and blue light, so our eye would always see it as white. The sun for example. But the right temperature is about 10,000 degrees. The sun is hotter than that surely?

He must be talking about the surface of the sun, said Pliny. The sun is hotter in the middle, but it's the outer sun that we see.

I always thought the sun was yellow, I said sulkily.

A misconception, said Pliny, due to the fact that most boxes of crayons do not contain a white. As children, drawing the sun in our childish pictures, we learn to use the colour that is closest to white, which is yellow.

I cant imagine you having a box of crayons, Pliny, I said.

I didn't, said Pliny. I should admit that I have been reading Bad Astronomy too.

But what am I going to tell the Buddha? I wailed.

Dont worry, Why don't you just buy him a present. Everyone likes presents.

Do you?

Yes I do.

Oh, I didn't know. What sort of presents do you like?

Cakes.

Alright I'll buy him a cake. Would you like one too? What kind of cake do you like?

I'm very partial to those green frog cakes from Balfours.

I'll get two.

No Green Stars in the Buddha's Sky

The Buddha is not pleased by my statement that he sounds like me. He asks me to consider whether or not I may be dreaming. I concede that I may well be dreaming, and then I ask him if he might consider the same thing. But again he is not pleased and I feel the need to atone for my rudeness.

How may I atone for my rudeness, Lord Buddha?

It will take a thousand years of repeating sutras.

Is there anything I could do to speed things up?

Let me think. Yes. I shall set you a task, a quest. The quest will be a fitting one. You must find out why there are no green stars in the sky.

Yes, Lord Buddha, thank you Lord Buddha. I will find out why there are no green stars in the sky.

And then you must let me know.

Yes, Lord Buddha. I will let you know. Do you not know?

Of course I know.

Then may I have a clue?

It is to do with the temperatures of the stars and the wavelength at which they emit most of their light. It is also to do with........but you are a sly one! tricking me into telling you the answers myself. Be off with you, and no more questions.

Just one?

What is it?

Am I allowed to use Google?

Certainly. Good luck though. You will find a great deal of confusion on the subject there.

Green Star Dreaming

Lord Buddha!

Yes?

What do you know of dreams?

They are empty and meaningless.

I dream of green stars before I fall asleep.

Before you fall asleep? That is a monkey dream.

I know why I dream it. The green stars are weeds. And I have been spending too long in the garden with my weeding prong. That isn't what I wanted to ask.

What then?

I seek enlightenment. Today I was in the front garden pulling up green weeds with my prong, when suddenly I had the strangest sensation. As if I were asleep, and dreaming of green stars, illuminated by the sun.

So you were awake, and weeding, and yet it seemed that you were asleep and dreaming that you were awake and weeding?

Yes.

And how did you feel about this?

I knew that I preferred to be asleep and dreaming. Because in the dream I'm simply staring into the heart of the weeds and not actually weeding.

That is because you are lying down.

Is that important?

You will never accomplish the task of weeding that way.

May I ask you something? Are you sure that you are the real Buddha?

Why do you ask?

You sound like me.