A Quiet Pencil O

Angelina gives Kierkegaard the nose.

Where's the pencil? asks Kierkegaard.

I gave it to Terence, says Gaius.

Yes, Terence has Ronnie, the pencil.

Terence inserts Ronnie into the back end of the dog pencil sharpener.

Hey! says Angelina. That's not for you.

I'm just testing, says Terence. Seeing if Ronnie fits into the hole.

Ronnie does, and now the dog pencil sharpener looks funny.

Terence holds it up so the grownups can see.

Look. The pencil looks like it's sticking out of ......

We know, says Angelina. That's the idea.

Ronnie remains silent

But he has his own opinion.

Can I just sharpen him a LITTLE? asks Terence.

I don't mind if we don't use the nose, says Kierkegaard.

Terence takes this as a yes. He twists Ronnie.

O, says Ronnie.

A quiet pencil O, heard by no one but Terence.

It said O, says Terence.

No it didn't, says Vello. Keep turning.

O, O,  says Ronnie.

Terence pulls Ronnie out of the dog's pretend anus.

Where's your voice coming from? asks Terence.

O says Ronnie.

Say it again, says Terence.

O, says Ronnie.

This time Terence detects where the Os come from.

They come from the O, in Ronnie.

The grown ups are unconcerned with this development.

They are discussing some sort of arrangement.

Angelina is thinking of going to Kangaroo Island for the rest of the fortnight. Would Kierkegaaard like to go too?

Kierkegaard would like to, but he feels obligated to Gaius.

No no, you go, says Gaius. Vello is here . He can help me.

No I can't, says Vello. I have to get back to the office. But why not ask Arthur?

Wonderful idea, says Gaius. Where's my phone?

Here, says Kierkegaard.

Gaius calls Arthur. Explains the situation.

Sure, says Arthur. I've been wanting to go back to Kangaroo Island, ever since it got burnt.

Not us, says Gaius. Kierky and his new lady friend are going. I need you here.

Where's here? asks Arthur.

Mount Compass, says Gaius.

Sorry, says Arthur.

I suppose we could go to KI, says Gaius. If your heart's set on it. 

O, says Kierkegaard, softly.

A Thoughtful Man

Kierkegaard regards the three pencil sharpeners.

Which one should he choose?

The dog one is rude. The nose one, disgusting.

The pirate with the missing leg is the least offensive.

Or is it?

Perhaps he is wrong. It's natural for a dog to have an anus.

And for a nose to have entry points....... although, not for pencils.

But the pirate is disabled. One should not make fun ....

The atmosphere is suspenseful.

Vello would like to be helpful, but no, Angelina wouldn't like it.

To Gaius it's obvious the nose pencil sharpener is the most amusing.

Why doesn't Kierkegaard pick that one?

He laughs inwardly. Ha ha. Pick that one.

Terence can't wait any longer.

Don't pick the dog with the bumhole!

I wasn't going to, says Kierkegaard.

Can I believe that? asks Angelina.

Perhaps not, says Kierkegaard. It was a spontaneous reaction to Terence's outburst.

You are taking too long to decide, says Angelina. Which tells me something about you.

That I overthink things, says Kierkegaard. I know.

Perhaps it's a good trait for a philosopher, says Angelina.

Not necessarily, says Vello. I don't overthink things.

You are older, says Angelina. Sören is still a young man.

Kierkegaard is pleased that she thinks so. He is forty two after all.

Nothing to do with it, says Vello. I was always impetuous. I've been chased all over France in my day.

And over the border, says Gaius.

Stop TALKING! says Terence. Can I have the dog one? HE doesn't want it.

Not necessarily, says Kierkegaard. Wait. I'm reaching a decision.

Yes? says Angelina.

The NOSE! says Kierkegaard.

Good choice, says Angelina. A thoughtful man's choice.

Kierkegaard congratulates himself for not choosing the disabled pirate.

Gaius nods in agreement. The nose was his choice as well.

The Best Hole

It keeps disappearing, says Terence.

What does? asks Gaius.

My parrot, says Terence.

There are plenty of parrots, says Gaius. They come and go.

MY one, says Terence.

His emu-wren, says Kierkegaard. It does keep disappearing.

Birds don't disappear, says Vello. You lose sight of them.

I've lost sight of my parrot, says Terence.

Stay in the bird hide, says Gaius. And keep your eyes open.

They're always open, says Terence. This is boring. Can I have Ronnie?

I suppose so, says Gaius. But don't lose him. Kierkegaard's lady friend is bringing a pencil sharpener.

Three pencil sharpeners, says Terence. I know.

Kierkegaard looks anxious.

No need to be anxious, says Vello. She wanted to come.

But she's planning to test me, says Kierkegaard.

All teachers do that, says Vello. At least she's being open about it.

Three sharpeners, says Kierkegaard.

Novelty ones, says Gaius.

Sweezus had a novelty pen, says Vello. A frog one with boxing gloves. In the end I had to get Belle to hide it. It was distracting everyone in the office.

I remember, says Gaius. And what about that crucifix pen someone gave him?

Ditto, says Vello.

These anecdotes cheer Kierkegaard up a little.

She's HERE! cries Terence.

Angelina appears at the back of the bird hide.

It's not a great bird hide, says Angelina. I could see you.

On the other hand, says Vello. It has allowed you to find us.

True, says Angelina, but I had detailed instructions.

Where are the sharpeners? asks Terence. Can I see? Can Ronnie choose one?

Who is Ronnie? asks Angelina, looking at Vello.

Not me, says Vello. I'm François. But you can call me Vello.

And I'm Gaius, says Gaius. Call me Gaius.

I believe I'm on your contact list, says Angelina.

Through no action of mine I assure you, says Gaius. I assume I am also on yours.

Yes, says Angelina. Time will tell if you remain there.

How will it tell? asks Terence.

So who is Ronnie? asks Angelina, ignoring Terence's legitimate question, because it's the school holidays.

This is him, says Terence, thrusting forward the pencil.

He can't choose his own sharpener, says Angelina.

He can choose the best hole, says Terence.

This is prescient.

Angelina opens her floppy cotton shoulder bag and rummages.

She brings out three pencil sharpeners.

Kierkegaard steps forward. This is the test.

Number one pencil sharpener is in the shape of a one-legged pirate. The pencil fits in the hole for his missing peg leg.

Number two pencil is in the shape of a dog, with the hole for the pencil at the back end of the dog, representing its anus.

Number three pencil sharpener is shaped like a large nose. The pencil goes into a nostril.

Which one do you like best, Sören? asks Angelina.

Pffff!

Kierkegaard needs to think fast.

The One You Choose

Just do it, says Vello.

Yes, I'll just do it, thinks Kierkegaard.

He calls Angelina (aka Mrs Bennett).

Hello, says Angelina.

It's me, the man who.... begins Kierkegaard.

I know, says Angelina. I added you, remember. You're Sören.

Wonderful, says Kierkegaard.

(How well this is going).

Now what?

I was wondering....says Kierkegaard.

Let me guess, says Angelina. Something philosophical?

In a manner of speaking, says Kierkegaard. It could be described as another imaginary scenario.

He looks up. Vello gives him a thumbs down.

I mean, says Kierkegaard, I have to make a confession.

You ARE married, says Angelina.

No, says Kierkegaard. This isn't my phone.

Then whose phone is it? asks Angelina.

One of my colleagues, says Kierkegaard. But don't worry. I've decided to buy my own phone very shortly.

Great, says Angelina. So whose contact list am I on?

Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Kierkegaard. A respectable person. In fact, he's the reason I'm calling you now. He needs a pencil sharpener.

You realise how disappointing this call is becoming? says Angelina.

No? says Kierkegaard. Is it disappointing?

I thought you might have been calling to ask me out, says Angelina. Not to confess that you've added me to the contact list of a person who needs a pencil sharpener.

When you put it like that, says Kierkegaard, it sounds awful. I'm so sorry. I tend to get anxious with women.

Vello gives him a thumbs up. Honesty. Women like that.

Never mind, then, says Angelina. School's finished. I've got two weeks holiday. Where are you?

In a bird hide in the Stipiturus Conservation Park, says Kierkegaard. Not far from the road. Near where the volunteers have been planting Mount Compass oak bush and Osborn's eyebright.

Vello raises an eyebrow. Great touch! Local knowledge.

I'll bring my three best novelty pencil sharpeners, says Angelina.

Why three? asks Kierkegaard.

A test, says Angelina. The one you choose will tell me a lot about you.

They're not really for me, says Kierkegaard. They're for Gaius.

Him too, says Angelina.

Holding Ronnie At Ninety

Gaius gazes out from the bird hide, keeping a list in his head.

Superb fairy wren, New Holland honeyeater, White-browed scrub wren, Latham's snipe.

If only he had a pencil.

Or Victor's red pen.

There is a thudding sound beyond the bird hide.

Terence crashes in.

Guess what? I found a pencil!

Well done, Terence, says Gaius. And not before time. I have spotted several common species and one Latham's snipe, which is less common.

It's called Ronnie, says Terence. See?

It is indeed, says Gaius. But Ronnie needs sharpening.

He was sharp when I found him, says Terence. I wrote on my arm.

Soft lead, says Gaius. Perhaps a 2B.

He takes Ronnie from Terence and begins to write Superb fairy wren in his notebook, with the blunt end of Ronnie.

He has to hold Ronnie at ninety degrees to the paper. Even then the writing looks scratchy.

Superb fa.... writes Gaius. It's no good, I'll need a sharpener.

Vello and Kierkegaard edge themselves into the bird hide.

Anyone got a sharpener? asks Gaius. This pencil is too blunt to write with.

Lick the end, says Terence.

Licking the end would be pointless, says Gaius.

Very funny, says Vello, But it's turned out rather lucky that you need a sharpener.

How so? asks Gaius.

Vello winks at Kierkegaard, who is standing there nursing the phone.

Because Kierky has made a new friend in the School Swamp, says Vello. A lady teacher, called Angelina. They exchanged phone numbers. So her number is there on your phone.

Hum, says Gaius. It does seem fortuitous, but I can hardly call Angelina and ask for a pencil sharpener when I don't know her.

That's the beauty of the situation, says Vello. Kierky is reluctant to call her without a good reason. Now he has a reason.

I see, says Gaius. No harm in it, I suppose.

Do we know when school finishes? asks Kierkegaard, still worried about the timing.

Google the school, says Gaius. You can find out the school hours.

Kierkegaard is familiar enough with other people's phones to know how to google.

He googles the school.

School hours are from 8.45 to 3.15, except on Wednesdays, when they finish at 2.20, says Kierkegaard. No, wait. What's today's date?

 The third, says Vello.

What of? asks Kierkegaard.

July, says Vello.

The school holidays start today, says Kierkegaard. They get out at 2.15. What time is it?

Two o'clock, says Vello.

Kierkegaard realises he has fifteen more minutes for overthinking.

You Will Look Like A Wally

Vello is tired of bird spotting.

He puts on his holiday hat.

Going somewhere? asks Gaius.

Just stretching my legs, says Vello.

Vello stands up. The holiday hat is now visible above the bird hide.

Several parrots are startled, and fly off.

Never mind, says Gaius. Just common red-rumped parrots.

I know how they feel, says Vello. How long have we sat here bird spotting?

Too long, without a pencil, says Gaius.

I wonder if Kierkegaard has found Terence, says Vello. I might stroll in the direction of the arrow.

Very well, says Gaius. I'll hold the fort here.

Gaius is now alone in the bird hide, with no pencil, and no phone.

He hopes nothing turns up that might need recording.

Vello strolls through the low vegetation, avoiding the prickles.

It occurs to him that he could call Kierkegaard, who has Gaius's phone.

Ring ring.

Yes? says Kierkegaard, suspiciously.

It's me, Vello, says Vello. I'm coming to meet you. Did you find Terence?

I did, says Kierkegaard. He was at the School Swamp.

Ha ha! laughs Vello. A School Swamp. Who came up with that one?

Mount Compass School, says Kierkegaard. It's for educational purposes.

Of course it is, says Vello. Where are you exactly?

HERE! says Terence, who has seen Vello, and run up to meet him. Look, a pencil!

Very nice, says Vello. Looks like it's spent too long in the School Swamp.

It's called Ronnie, says Terence.

Ronnie is blunt, says Vello.

No, he isn't, says Terence.

But he is, because Terence has been writing on his arm with Ronnie, and made Ronnie blunt.

Kierkegaard catches up with Terence.

Ah, Vello, says Kierkegaard. There you are.

I wasted a call, says Vello. I would have bumped into you regardless.

Yes, but it is opportune, says Kierkegaard.

What's opportune? asks Vello.

The subject of phone calls, says Kierkegaard. I have a dilemma.

I love other people's dilemmas, says Vello. Spit it out.

I met a lady teacher in the School Swamp, says Kierkegaard. Named Angelina. We quite hit it off.

They're getting married, says Terence.

We are NOT! says Kierkegaard.

But you proposed to her. You idiot! says Vello.

Not even that, says Kierkegaard. It was an imaginary scenario.

YOU may have thought so, says Vello. She may not.

We exchanged phone numbers, says Kierkegaard.

Is that all? says Vello. Hardly a dilemm.....a-ha-ha! How delicious! It's Gaius phone!

Yes, says Kierkegaard. I'm afraid she might try to call me and HE will answer.

He will, says Vello. She will be most alarmed.

Perhaps I should call her, and explain, says Kierkegaard.

You will look like a wally, says Vello.

I know, says Kierkegaard, and when should I do it? She and her class have returned to Mount Compass School for lesson seven.

You shouldn't call during lesson seven, says Vello.

That's what I thought, says Kierkegaard.

Wait till she knocks off, says Vello.

Kierkegaard thinks this is sensible advice, except.... what time does school finish ....? and won't Gaius want his phone back?

Remember This Day

Terence goes up to Leanne.

Are you going to drop a pencil? asks Terence.

You're weird boy, says Leanne.

Mrs Bennett and Kierkegaard are exchanging phone numbers.

Kierkegaard knows it is wrong.

Come on class! calls Mrs Bennett. We'll be late for lesson seven!

The school children trail off, behind Mrs Bennett.

We must make tracks as well, says Kierkegaard. Come on, Terence.

No one dropped a pencil, says Terence.

They don't always, says the emu-wren.

Where have YOU been? asks Terence.

Listening, says the emu-wren.  I was hiding in the Peppermint Box Gum.

He nearly got married, says Terence. To Angelina. And that was the name of their teacher.

I thought it was an imaginary story until then, says the emu-wren.

Are you going to get married? asks Terence.

Me no, says the emu-wren.

Nor me, says Terence.

But guess what I found, under the Peppermint Box Gum, says the emu-wren. An old pencil.

How old? asks Terence.

Come and see, says the emu-wren.

He leads the way to the other side of the Peppermint Box Gum, and there poking out from dead leaves on the ground is a pencil.

Yay! says Terence, picking it up. Woo! Yuck! It's mouldy.

Give it to me, says Kierkegaard. That's moss, if I'm not mistaken.

Gaius won't want it, says Terence

He might, if we can get rid of the moss, says Kierkegaard.

Terence examines the pencil. Knocks some moss off.

It has a name scratched on. Ronnie.

Kierkegaard, Terence and the emu-wren start making their way back to the bird hide.

It's quite a long way, remember.

On the way Terence writes on his own arm with Ronnie.

Not proper writing.

What does that say? asks the emu-wren.

Remember this day, says Terence.

What about it? asks the emu wren.

I found Ronnie, says Terence.

I thought I found Ronnie, says the emu-wren.

It's the same thing, says Terence.