Too Small To Be Ridden

It's eating the buns! says Belle. How is that even possible?

It only appears to be eating the buns, says Sweezus.

Then where are the buns? asks Vello.

Everyone looks for the buns,

Except of course for the AI horse, who has eaten them.

After all, this was his chance.

The entire knowledge of the internet is at its disposal.

It knows horses like buns. It knows Terence can't eat them.

But it does not know what will happen if he eats them via Terence's face.

The following is what happens.

The door of the rehearsal room opens and Gaius walks in, with Terence.

Here we are, ready for duty, says Gaius. Where is my cushion?

Where's my horse? asks Terence.

There, says Belle. And you won't believe this, but it's eaten our buns.

Let's see, says Terence.

He runs across to the AI horse with his face.

Can it talk? asks Terence.

Of course I can talk, says Terence's face.

Woop! says Terence. And can you eat anything?

Only buns so far, says Terence's face.

What do they taste like? asks Terence.

Like sandpaper, says Terence's face.

Hear that? says Sweezus.

I heard that, says David. Why should the buns taste like sandpaper to a horse with Terence's face. A virtual horse at that. 

Yes, says Vello. Logically the buns shouldn't taste like anything.

And they shouldn't have disappeared, says Belle.

Is this my cushion? asks Gaius. 

Yes, says Vello. Tie it on. We're about to finish rehearsing scene three, the escape to Cadiz, on three horses.

Excellent, says Gaius.

Am I going to be one of them? asks Terence.

You already are, says Sweezus. That's your face. And I'm cloning two others.

One other, says Terence. One has to be the real me.

We don't have a horse costume, says Belle. 

And you're too small to be ridden, says David. 

Belle could ride me, says Terence. 

Actually I could, says Belle. At least I could seem to be riding. My long skirt would cover my feet.

What an idea! says Vello. We don't want this scene to look comical.

But I want to be in it! cries Terence.

We all want you to be in it, says Belle.

Rumble-rumble-BLUUURCH!!

The AI horse with Terence's face is gaining a new piece of data.

It not only has Terence's face, but his digestive system.

Terence watches as five half-chewed buns spew out onto the floor.

This should be good for his chances.

Head For The Buns

Late next morning, the final rehearsal.

Scene one. The Old Lady, Candide and Cunégonde escape to Cadiz on Horseback.

Candide has just killed Don Issachar and the Grand Inquisitor.

They lie dead on the floor.

Excellent! says Vello That looks realistic.

Thanks, says Candide.

Continue, says Vello.

What will happen to me now? asks Cunégonde. If the police come, we are done for!

Let us ask the old lady, says Candide.

But of course there is no old lady. She's still at the Adelaide airport.

No worries, says Candide. I've got this.

He fiddles with his AI equipment.

An old lady appears, with Cunégonde's face.

There are three thoroughbreds in the stables. says the old lady in Cunégonde's voice.

Hey, says Cunégonde. You've called up the wrong version.

Shit-a-brick! says Candide. 

The old lady with Cunegonde's face flickers, and goes out.

A new old lady appears in her place.

This one has Gaius's face, and Gaius's half-bottom.

I'll go and saddle the horses, says Candide. He exits the stage.

This had better work, grumbles Vello.

Candide returns leading what looks like a horse, with the face of an infant. 

Where are we going? asks the horse.

Huh? says Candide.

Extemporise, hisses Cunégonde.

To Cadiz, says Candide to the horse.

Then three horses are needed! says the horse.

I don't remember any of this, says Vello. But it's good. Keep it in.

They break for a late morning coffee, and a big plate of buns. 

Do I smell coffee? asks David, entering the rehearsal room.

Help yourself, says Vello.

How's the rehearsal going? asks David. Is it me yet?

We're still sorting out the horses, says Vello.

Is that one of them? asks David, pointing to the horse with Terence's face.

It is, says Vello. 

The horse with Terence's face is an AI horse.

Neither a real horse nor Terence.

It has a mind of it's own. An AI mind.

It decides it will head for the buns.

The Flickering Lady

The next part of Scene Three.

My dear Candide, says Arthur (the German Colonel), together we shall rescue my sister.

That's what I long for, says Sweezus. For I'm hoping to marry her.

You insolent fellow! says Arthur. 

He strikes Sweezus with the flat of his sword.

Sweezus draws his sword and plunges it into Arthur's stomach.

Arthur dies, in a long drawn out action.

Where's the blood? says Vello.

Coming, says Sweezus. Give me a minute

And why is SHE there? asks Vello.

Who? asks Sweezus.

Is it Cunégonde or the old lady? asks Vello. She keeps flickering.

Neither of them are meant to be there, says Sweezus. 

It seems you're not fully in control of your AI effects, says Vello.

It's difficult when I'm acting, says Sweezus.

You should have said, says Vello. Give it to Belle, she can do it.

What do I do? asks Belle.

Produce some blood and get rid of the flickering woman, says Vello.

Belle looks at the flickering woman. 

Is that me? says Belle. Why is my bottom enormous?

It's you in Gaius's costume, says Sweezus. I haven't added his face.

So it's got my face! says Belle. How do I delete it?

Don't delete it! says Sweezus. It's the only copy with the cushion!

Too late.

Belle has deleted the whole flickering lady including her bottom and face.

Fuck, says Sweezus. Now it's back to square one.

Can't we just do without this AI stuff? asks Belle.

People expect it, says Vello. 

Belle fiddles with Sweezus's equipment.

All at once Arthur is covered in blood.

AI blood, not real blood.

So the rehearsal has been partly successful.

Tomorrow morning, says Vello. Final rehearsal. I expect Gaius and Terence to be here, and the horse scene to go like clockwork.

No worries, says Sweezus. 

He is confident it will go like clockwork.

Wait. No he isn't. 

Not now that Belle has deleted herself.

Shit! He'll have to reconstruct the old lady!

The German Colonel In The Arbour

Back in Adelaide, Vello holds a rehearsal.

Listen up, everyone, says Vello, I've been talking to Gaius.

Is he coming? asks Belle.

He's crossing Bass Strait as we speak, says Vello. And he gave me some valuable feedback regarding the cushion.

His buttock cushion? says Belle. 

That's the one, says Vello. It seems at least one person thought it was funny.

It was funny, says Belle. Is he bringing it with him?

I doubt he travelled all the way to Tasmania with it, says Vello. It'll be in the costume box.

Belle starts looking.

Sweezus and Arthur arrive for the rehearsal.

You're late, says Vello. How's the AI thing going?

Good, says Sweezus. I've perfected the horse and I've streamlined the old lady.

Better unstreamline her, says Belle. She's funnier with the cushion.

No worries, says Sweezus. Is that the cushion?

Belle has found it, and is holding it up.

Sweezus takes his phone out.

Want me to put the old lady's skirt on? asks Belle. With the cushion?

Yeah, that would help, says Sweezus.

She ties the cushion to one side of her bottom, with strings that remain from last year. Then she puts the skirt on.

Sweezus makes a video of her from all angles.

I thought Gaius was coming, says Arthur.

He is, says Vello, but we need the AI effects. The audience will expect it.

Only because you advertised it in your flyer, says Belle.

I know, says Vello. I hope I won't regret it.

You won't, says Sweezus. I've got the hang of it now.

Right, says Vello. Tonight were rehearsing Scene Three, the German Colonel in the Arbour.

That's me, says Arthur.

Watch this, says Sweezus.

He calls up the special AI effects of an Arbour.

A pretty colonnade of green and gold marble with lattice work cages filled with hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets and guinea fowl. And a table containing gold plates and a luxurious dinner.

O well done, says Vello. Cue, Arthur!

Arthur steps forward. His face changes. He now has red tips to his ears, and arched eyebrows.

He looks like a German Colonel.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

Westphalia, says Sweezus, I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh.

You don't say? says the German Colonel. So was I!

How extraordinary! says Sweezus.

Can this really be you? exclaims the German Colonel.

They fall back in amazement, embrace each other, and burst into tears.

Arthur likes this part, and the next part is even better........

Night Passage

Surfing-with-Whales and Gaius come back to their recliners.

Now to try and get some sleep, says Gaius.

He lifts his backpack off the recliner and shoves it underneath.

He picks up the vinegar bottle.

What are you doing with my herring? asks Terence.

He can go on the floor, says Gaius. I don't want him in my backpack leaking all over my notes.

He'll roll away! says Terence. Let me have him.

All right, says Gaius. 

He hands Terence the vinegar bottle and sits down on the recliner.

Teeth! says Gaius.

He pulls out his  backpack and starts to feel for his toothbrush.

Finds it, and heads off to the washroom.

Surfing-with-Whales looks up from the game he had started playing.

I've got Gloopy, says Terence. 

Is that what you're calling him? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Yes, says Terence. It's a good name. 

Yeah, he looks like a gloopy, says Surfing-with-Whales. And your shorts still smell bad, by the way.

Maybe someone should wash them, says Terence.

Like you, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Not me, says Terence. 

It sure won't be me, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Okay, says Terence.

Gaius comes back with clean teeth.

He checks his phone.

Ah! a missed call from Vello.

He calls Vello.

Gaius? says Vello. Are you expecting to be here by Thursday?

Yes, says Gaius. We're on the Spirit of Tasmania right now.

Excellent, says Vello. I'm still not sure about this AI version. It seems to have a mind of its own.

Surely not, says Gaius. Doesn't it do what it's told?

Not necessarily, says Vello. It seems to object to some parts of the script.

Example? says Gaius.

You know where you say 'He showed me how I was degrading myself by belonging to an Israelite?'

I do know, says Gaius.

Well it won't say it, says Vello.

Have you tried getting round it? asks Gaius. Or explaining the context?

Of course we have. says Vello. Sweezus is working on it. I just want to be certain you'll be there on the night, with your cushion.

I shall certainly try, says Gaius. By the way I've recently had feedback about the cushion.

Enlighten me, says Vello.

The chap in the bike hire shop in Devonport thought it was funny, says Gaius. He'd been to one of our past productions, and that was the part he remembered.

A detail! says Vello. And that's what he remembered!

He was there with his girlfriend, says Gaius. 

Herring Voice

It's seven pm.

The Spirit of Tasmania is crossing Bass Strait.

Terence is standing at the railing looking skywards.

You won't see him, says Gaius. 

I know, says Terence.

I'm going to have something to eat now, says Gaius. Are you coming?

Okay says Terence.

They go to the cafeteria, where Surfing-with-Whales is already eating.

What are you eating? asks Gaius. 

Cape Grim roast beef, says Surfing with-Whales.

Do you recommend it? asks Gaius.

No, says Surfing-with-Whales. You should order the pasta.

What can I have? asks Terence.

How about a red drink? asks Gaius.

Can I take it back to my recliner? asks Terence.

I don't see why not, says Gaius.

He orders the Farfalle pasta with alfredo sauce, and a red drink for Terence.

Terence takes his red drink back to his recliner.

His recliner is in between two other recliners, one of which holds Gaius's backpack and a vinegar bottle, the other Surfing-with-Whales' s backpack and the skateboard.

Terence relaxes on his recliner, sipping his drink.

The third baby skate ( sorry, herring)  relaxes as only the dead can, in his vinegar bottle.

This is an overnight trip, says Terence, to his herring. You can be on my recliner, if you like.

The herring continues relaxing.

But, says Terence, you might not want to be next to my skateboard.

The herring offers no opinion.

Because it might make you sad, says Terence.

If the herring was not dead, it would have to think about this. Would seeing the skateboad make him sad?

Who are you talking to? asks a little girl who has seen Terence and asked her parents if she can go and make friends with him.

My herring, says Terence. He's in this bottle.

What's his name? asks the little girl.

Gloopy, says Terence (which is a reasonable stab at clupea harengus).

Is he dead? asks the little girl.

Yes, says Terence. And he's on an adventure.

Hello Gloopy, says the little girl. Do you like your adventure?

I love my adventure, says Terence in a herring voice.

That was a good herring voice, says the little girl.

I'm an actor, says Terence. I'm going home to be in a play.

Is it a fish play? asks the little girl.

Why would it be a fish play? asks Terence.

Come along Molly! calls her mother. Time to sleep now!

Bye, says Molly.

Neigghhh! says Terence. 

A horse play! says Molly. 

Correct, says Terence. Bye!

Molly goes off, and Terence rolls over on his recliner to check on Gloopy.

Who seems okay.

Weird Play

Gaius pulls up outside Devonport Bike Hire.

Surfing-with-Whales is inside, talking to Damo.

Yeah, turns out the skates've got a bright future, says Surfing-with-Whales. That's if you believe the environment minister.

So you'll be heading home, says Damo.

Yep, says Surfing-with-Whales. Back to Adelaide, while the Fringe is still on.

Cool, says Damo. I went once. 

What did you go to? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Heaps of things, says Damo. Stand-up, mainly, and my girlfriend took me to see this weird play. 

My friends are in a weird play this year, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

No kidding? says Damo. 

Here they are now, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I've booked our tickets for tonight's crossing, says Gaius. 

I heard you're in a weird play, back in Adelaide, says Damo. 

Not too weird, I hope, says Gaius.

I'm in it, says Terence. I'm a horse, or I might be three horses. 

That is kind of weird, says Damo. What's the play called?

Candide, says Gaius. An excerpt. Using AI this time, which is why Terence can play all three horses.

That rings a bell, says Damo. Candide was the weird play I saw. There was this old lady in it with only one buttock. It was like she had a cushion under her skirt on one side, so on that side it looked massive, and on the other side it looked like she didn't have a bum cheek. Soldiers were meant to have eaten it.

That was I, says Gaius. I specialise in playing the old lady. This year I hope, thanks to AI, we'll be able to do away with the cushion.

It won't be as good, says Damo. The cushion was funny. 

I value your opinion, says Gaius. Now, how much do we owe you?

Call it two hundred, says Damo. Better check the bikes first though.

They go outside.

Looks fine, says Damo. How was the pullalong?

Good, says Terence. So was my skateboard. 

The one I gave you? says Damo.

Yes, the skates had a go on it, says Terence. They learned how to do tricks. But third baby skate had an accident because he was ......

Never mind that, says Gaius.

And now he's a herring, says Terence. 

Ha ha, laughs Damo. You should put that in your play.