Lost Opportunities

Gaius is in the Mayor's office, waiting for the Mayor to appear.

At last the Mayor enters.

Sorry, says Mayor Paul Thomas. So much to do, so little time. How may I ....oh, it's you, Gaius.

It is, says Gaius. Back from my travels as you see.

Wonderful, says Paul Thomas, and how is the Twitcher? Did he make it to Kas?

Ahem, says Gaius. It's all here in my report. What I am interested in now is......

The Mayor's phone rings.

Sorry, says Paul Thomas. Better take this. Hello? Yes, yes. Oh yes, tonight, absolutely no worries. See you there. Sorry Gaius, what were you saying?

.......to know how the issue of the taxonomic status of Sepia Apama is progressing, says Gaius.

You're in luck, says Paul Thomas. There's an extraordinary meeting tonight in the Wallaroo Hotel on that very topic. Perhaps you could read your report at the meeting. Kill two birds with one stone.

What? says Gaius. Two birds ....?

I mean that saves me having to read it, says Paul Thomas. I'll be at the meeting.

Gaius thinks: Is this some sort of brush off? Margaret would know.

What time is the meeting? says Gaius, a little stiffly.

Eight, says Mayor Paul Thomas. See you there.

........

Gaius wanders down to the Wallaroo jetty, looking for Arthur and Sweezus.

He can't see them.

He takes out his phone to call Arthur. Ring ring.

What? says Arthur.

Where are you? says Gaius.

Way down the beach, says Arthur. Getting some fresh air.

Not true. He is in the pub. So is Sweezus.

I'll walk down to meet you, says Gaius. Which way ? North?

North, says Arthur. That's right.

Was that Gaius? says Sweezus.

Yes, says Arthur. He's going to go for a walk. A long one.

Did he sound angry? says Sweezus.

Arthur thinks back. No he didn't sound angry.

..............


Time passes. It is sunset. A beautiful evening in Wallaroo.

The sea glints metal and primrose, the sky glows fiery orange and purple. Birds wheel and fly northwards. The jetty is silent and black.

Jazzman is waiting. He is thinking, as he often does, about his MBA, and whether it was worth all that money or whether his time has been wasted.

Here comes someone now.

It's not Bandy or Snook. Not Sweezus or Arthur.

It's an old dude.

Gaius, has been walking all afternoon. First northwards then southwards, not finding Arthur. He is late for the meeting.

Evening, says Jazzman

Evening, says Gaius. I would stop and enjoy it, but I'm late for a meeting.

I'm early for one, says Jazzman. But's that's me all over.

What a pity. It is just the evening for a temporal discussion of this nature.

Gaius knows he had better move on.

Killing Time On The Wallaroo Jetty

Gaius, Sweezus and Arthur are in Wallaroo. It is sunny.

Let's go and look at the jetty, says Arthur. See if it's open.

I'll leave you to it, says Gaius. I must visit the Mayor and present my report.

Gaius heads off in the direction of the Council Chambers.

His report? says Sweezus. We wrote it.

We wrote it? says Arthur. I wrote it. But I'm happy if he takes the blame.

Blame? says Sweezus. You mean credit.

Thing is, says Arthur, when I wrote it, I didn't know I'd be coming.

Don't tell me... says Sweezus. You wrote something .....a bit too.....

......truthful, says Arthur.

We're in trouble, says Sweezus.

We could cobble up something, says Arthur. An alternative version.

Too late now, says Sweezus. Shit.

They have now reached the jetty. Only the first half is open. Some locals are at the barrier protesting.

Bandy: Every bloody weekend!

Snook: Yeah, every bloody weekend. Always some ship in.

Bandy: Goin' to the meetin' tonight?

Snook: Pffft! As bloody if !

(In Wallaroo, things haven't changed much.)

Hi dudes, says Sweezus, to Bandy and Snook.

They eye him with suspicion.

You from the Ports? enquires Bandy.

Nup, says Sweezus, just a visitor. Looking to catch a few cuttlies, with my mate here.

Bandy and Snook turn their gazes to Arthur, then back to Sweezus.

How you gunna catch em? says Snook.

With snails, says Arthur.

Bandy and Snook laugh derisively.

Tell you what, says Bandy. Come back tonight and we'll show you how to do it. We can take out dad's tinny.

Yeah, says Snook. Bring a torch and an esky.

Cool, says Sweezus. What time?

After sunset, says Bandy. That's the best time.

I'm new to this, says Sweezus. Just starting up my own business.

Yeah? says Snook. We should bring Jazzman.

Yeah, Jazzman! says Bandy. He's got an MBA, Jazzman.

See you later, then, says Arthur.

See you later, says Sweezus.

They walk back to the start of the jetty.

What now? says Sweezus.

Pub, says Arthur. Or we could throw rocks at the sea.

Or both, says Sweezus. Or in reverse order. Throw rocks, then go to the pub.

Four ways to kill time.

In The Great Hall Of The People

Lu Ban and Rosamunda arrive at the Great Hall of the People, and knock on the door.

The door opens. A head pokes out.

Sorry, says Lu Ban, Wrong door. I'm looking for President Hu Jintao.

You're one year too late, says the head. I'm the president now. And who might you be?

Lu Ban, says Lu Ban. Dear me. How time flies.

Indeed, says the President. Come in Lu Ban, respected carpenter immortal.

Thank you, says Lu Ban. You are gracious. May I ask your name.

Xi Jinping, says the President. Remember for next time. Cup of tea?

Thanks, says Lu Ban.

He and Rosamunda go into the President's office and sit down. The President rings for green tea.

You knew Hu Jintao? says the President.

Very well, says Lu Ban. He had a photographic memory, and he enjoyed ballroom dancing.

Rosamunda giggles.

It's not funny, says Lu Ban.

No, it isn't, says President Xi. As for me, I am known to smile in public, I hold my own umbrella, and occasionally roll up my trousers.

The two men look sharply at Rosamunda to gauge her reaction.

Any particular reason? says Rosamunda.

It makes sense when inspecting floods, says President Xi. And now, Lu Ban, how may I help you?

I have a dream, says Lu Ban.

You have come to the right person, says the President. My motto is China Dreams.

My motto is Endless Dragons, says Lu Ban. I wish to enter the next Tour Down Under with my new prototype dragon bicycle. Your support would be helpful.

Endless Dragons, says President Xi.  I like it. You shall have my support, as long as you represent China, and as long as you win.

That is the thing, says Lu Ban. I intend to win, but I need some help with the design of the bicycle. The dragon on the handlebars is giving me trouble. This young lady here is a designer, and she has cycling connections. She can help me.

Very good, says the President, looking again at Rosamunda. Hmm, she looks somewhat familiar....

Goddess Chang'e, says Lu Ban. In that photo.

Oh yes, says the President. The newspaper. That young lady! The one who got away......

I need her to stay a bit longer, says Lu Ban.

Certainly, says the President. As long as you like. Ah, China Dreams, Endless Dragons..... I do love mottoes. Do you have a motto young lady?

Adapt or die, says Rosamunda.

Fine motto, says President Xi. If a little direct for my liking.

You Have Wisdom

Gaius, Sweezus and Arthur are on the bus to Wallaroo.

Sweezus looks out of the window. He has not been to Wallaroo before.

He dreams of catching boxes and boxes of cuttlefish. In the dream, the boxes of cuttlefish are clear. But the actual catching is cloudy.

Arthur, says Sweezus. How do you catch cuttlies?

Various ways, says Arthur. You need bait.

He remembers the Twitcher.

Bait like snails, says Arthur.

Too easy, says Sweezus. We're laughing.

He leans back in his seat with his ipod and closes his eyes.

Gaius for once has been listening.

When I was a lad, says Gaius, we took lamps and we caught them with tridents. No bait was required.

I'll remember that, says Arthur. Tridents.

The bus rumbles on down the road.

............

Rosamunda is in Lu Ban's apartment. It is not very grand.

Can I get you drink? says Lu Ban. What would you like?

What have you got? says Rosamunda.

Let me see, says Lu Ban, opening the fridge. How about a Cheese Creamsicle. I make it myself.

Sounds yummy, says Rosamunda. What's in it?

Cocoa, milk, rock salt and cheese, says Lu Ban.

All right, says Rosamunda.

She goes over to Lu Ban's drawing board and looks at his dragon bike prototype.

What do you think? says Lu Ban.

I like the aeroplane wing-shaped tube sections and the concave back on the seat tube, says Rosamunda. And it appears to be aerodynamically optimised for all wind conditions......

But? says Lu Ban.

But, says Rosamunda, I don't like that dragon's head.

It's not negotiable, says Lu Ban. All my designs are based on the dragon. It's my trade mark.

Too twisty, says Rosamunda.

Swoopy, says Lu Ban. And anyway, what would you know?

I'm a designer, says Rosamunda. That's how I know. Mmmm, this drink is yummy.

Yes it is, says Lu Ban. And yet, you wouldn't think so. Cocoa, milk, rock salt and cheese.

No, says Rosamunda. You wouldn't think so. Perhaps that's a lesson.

You have wisdom, says Lu Ban. As well as connections.

I do have connections, says Rosamunda. And I hear you have friends in high places.

I do, says Lu Ban. Would you like to meet one?

I would, says Rosamunda. Who is it?

The President of the People's Republic of China, says Lu Ban. Come on, it's five thirty. He'll just be knocking off work.

Connections And Corrections

One does not argue with Lu Ban.

Ming Rong? says Rosamunda as she disappears down the stairs, in the strong grip of  Lu Ban, carpenter immortal.

Don't worry, Rosamunda, calls Ming Rong. You are safe unless.....

But Rosamunda doesn't hear the rest. She is already half way down the street.

Where are we going? says Rosamunda to Lu Ban. And why so fast?

I always go fast, says Lu Ban. And as to where we're going, that depends. You may be useful.

He stops and regards her, thoughtfully.

I wish to be included in a team for the Tour Down Under. I believe you have connections, says Lu Ban.

Oh yes, says Rosamunda. I have connections.

Right, says Lu Ban. You're coming home with me.

.........

Next morning, in the office of Velosophy.......

Arthur has finished the report. Sweezus is still sourcing cuttlies.

Man! says Sweezus, expensive! Twenty four dollars a kilo! We'll have to catch our own.

Gaius enters.

Hello there, Sweezus! Finished my report? says Gaius

Arthur hands it to him.

Gaius scans it quickly.

Yes yes, says Gaius. Wonderful. Title, Summary, Introduction, Conclusion. Very professional. Did you write this, Arthur?

Yes, says Arthur. Sweezus is busy sourcing cuttlies.

Even better, says Gaius. I don't have to pay you.

What? says Arthur. Why don't you have to pay me?

Because you're coming with me to Wallaroo, says Gaius. The report is, shall we say, included.

You didn't tell me, says Arthur. I've promised to help Sweezus organise his cuttlies.

Yeah that's right, says Sweezus. Arthur and me are going cuttling.

You can cuttle up at Wallaroo, says Gaius. As long as you do it south of the jetty.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Arthur. Are you in?

I suppose so, says Arthur.

At least he will be spending time with Sweezus.

But the report....

If he'd known he might have written something different.

Taking Control Of The Lives Of Others

Belle et Bonne has popped out to get some sandwiches.

Sweezus and Arthur are alone at last.

Man, it's good to see you, says Sweezus. How was China?

Solid reliable bicycles, says Arthur. Unusual food. I even ate a scorpion on a stick.

Awesome, says Sweezus. I'd never eat a scorpion.

I'd never eat another one, says Arthur. But I'd eat a cuttlefish.

Yeah, says Sweezus. We could serve them on a stick.

We? says Arthur. We could?

Why not? says Sweezus. Wanna be my partner?

Arthur would not like to be anybody's partner.

I'll help out for a few days, says Arthur. While you get started.

Brill! says Sweezus. First we need to source the cuttlies. You can do that. I have to write this bugger of a report....

Have you started it? says Arthur.

No, says Sweezus. Well yes, I've got an awesome title. Death in Dubai.

No way! says Arthur. Give it here. You start sourcing cuttlies. I'll do your report.

Arthur sits down and starts typing.

..............

Knock knock! Lu Ban knocks on Ming Rong's front door.

Ming Rong opens it.

Can I help you? says Ming Rong.

Yes, says Lu Ban. I am Lu Ban, carpenter immortal. We almost met a few days ago. I am a friend of Sikong Shu.

Who's at the door, Ming Rong? says Rosamunda, from inside the apartment.

Lu Ban, a friend of Sikong Shu, says Ming Rong.

What does he want? says Rosamunda.

To see you, little moon goddess, says Lu Ban loudly, in his best carpenter immortal voice.

Rosamunda comes to the door. She is no longer wearing silk pyjamas. She looks just like a Scottish tourist, which is what she is.

What for? says Rosamunda. I'm not ready to leave yet, if that's what this is about.

Yes you are, says Lu Ban. Come with me.

He grasps her.

Too Streamlined To be Fearsome

Erotic? says Sweezus. How is Sweezies Cuttlies erotic?

Maybe it's just me, says Arthur.

Less said the better then, says Gaius. Choose another name.

No, says Belle et Bonne. I love it. And can I tweak it just a little? Sweezies Tender Cuttlies?

Awesome! says Sweezus. But.... isn't that even more erotic?

What's wrong with more erotic? says Belle et Bonne. If marketing's the key.....

And so it is decided. Sweezies Tender Cuttlies. ( Erotic, is it? I don't know...)

Thanks Gaius, says Sweezus. Great idea. How can I repay you?

Get on with that report, says Gaius. I'm leaving for Wallaroo tomorrow. I'll come back and pick it up tomorrow morning bright and early.

Gaius leaves, to go home and unpack.

Geez! says Sweezus. Arthur, want to help me?

No, says Arthur. You should do it. But look, I've brought you this.

He pulls the Richie Porte notes from his pocket.

Woah! says Sweezus. Is this the Richie Porte thing? Let's see. What'd he write?

He grabs the notes. Belle looks over his shoulder.

What a lot of commas! says Belle et Bonne.

I put them in, says Arthur. Perhaps I overdid it.

Sweezus is good at skim reading. He skims down to the end. He reads the part where Richie meets Lu Ban, carpenter immortal:

....he's an immortal(,) weird(,) yeah(,) he's getting into cycling(,) he's going to design a bicycle(,) a dragon bicycle(,) with the head of a dragon(,) and a dragon's tail(,) I showed him mine(.)

This is BIG!, says Sweezus.  Richie has a new design for a bicycle. This'll create a massive mega stir!

Papa and David may not like it, says Belle et Bonne. Where's the philosophy? It's just a straight out narrative.

Too bad, says Sweezus. It's way too big to sit on!

...........

Lu Ban is working on his bicycle. The dragon's head is something of a problem.

Sikong Shu comes in.

How's it going? says Sikong Shu. Wouldn't it go faster with its mouth shut?

Tell me about it, says Lu Ban. But then it wouldn't look so fearsome.

You'll sort it out, says Sikong Shu.

How about you? says Lu Ban. Have you found that girl yet? Rosamunda?

Yes and no, says Sikong Shu. I know where she is but she doesn't want to see me. She doesn't realise....

What, says Lu Ban. What doesn't she realise?

How many people will be in trouble if she doesn't leave soon, says Sikong Shu. Professor Mee-man Chang, Dr Zhu Min, me. Not to mention Ming Rong the chap she's got herself involved with.

And of course herself, says Lu Ban. I've heard that there are penalties.

Yes, there are penalties, says Sikong Shu. Strict penalties. Five hundred yuan for each day she overstays her visa. And five to thirty days detention.

Ah, the little goddess of the moon will get her come-uppance, says Lu Ban. Come-uppance. Moon. It's a joke.

Very funny, says Sikong Shu, but what about me? I don't want my come-uppance.

Are you really worried, Shu? says Lu Ban. You know I can fix anything. I'll go and see her. If that fails, I have friends in high places.

You are a pal, says Sikong Shu. Let me buy you a drink.

Thanks, says Lu Ban. Go round the corner and get two Chin Chin Grass Jellies.

Back in a tick, says Sikong Shu.

He goes out.

Lu Ban turns back to wrestle with the dragon.