Courage Fortitude Integrity And Pineapple

Admiral de Guichen examines the leg for signs of familiarity.

Gaius has been mulling something over.

I believe you are a fraud, says Gaius, to Admiral de Guichen.

A fraud? says Admiral de Guichen. How dare you!

Masquerading as an Admiral, says Gaius. Is that your leg?

It is, says Admiral de Guichen.

Then, says Gaius, I put it to you that your story is a false one. For two reasons.

Arthur, having  finished off the sangria, is examining the bottom of the jug, and listening.

Go on, says Admiral de Guichen.

One, says Gaius, you told Schopenhauer it was an old sea injury.

I didn't say how old, says Admiral de Guichen

Two, says Gaius, you didn't know what a following wind was.

A temporary aberration, prompted by the loss of my pereipod, says Admiral de Guichen.

Your pereipod! says Gaius. A learned term. Perhaps I have misjudged you.

Forgiven, says Admiral de Guichen. We lobsters are not ones to bear a grudge. I wonder, is there any chance I might get in that jug now?

There are chunks of pineapple in the bottom, says Arthur. Just let me get them out.

He feels in his pocket. Takes out the sewing kit with the tiny scissors. Stabs at the chunks of sangria-soaked pineapple. Draws them out and eats them with his fingers.

No water? says Admiral de Guichen. The jug's no use to me without water in it.

Gaius taps on the window of the cabin.

Ray looks out.

What does he want? asks Schopenhauer.

Gaius makes water-pouring motions.

A drink, says Ray. That's rich. They had that jug of sangria, and what did we have?

Nothing, says Schopenhauer. Don't worry Ray, I'm not stopping till we get to Lorne.

They speed through Apollo Bay, scattering holiday makers.

I admire your integrity, says Ray.

I admire your fortitude, says Schopenhauer. That foot looks gangrenous.

Looks like we're not stopping, says Gaius, in the back. Courage, Admiral, it can't be far to Lorne.

Lorne, says Admiral de Guichen. I have a friend there. Captain Louttit.

I don't question it, says Gaius.

Do you want this leg? says Arthur, picking it up idly.

Not now you've got pineapple all over it, says Admiral de Guichen.

Fair Seas And A Following Wind

Arthur has almost reached the Slitti Cafe when he hears a scraping sound behind him.

He turns, and sees Admiral de Guichen on the pavement.

You! says Arthur. I thought you were expiring in the Ute.

How do you know it's me? says Admiral de Guichen.

The missing leg, says Arthur.

Admiral de Guichen didn't know he had a missing leg. This must be something recent.

They continue walking.

What's that? asks Admiral de Guichen, pointing to the jug of sangria.

Jug, says Arthur. I couldn't find a bucket.

I won't be getting in it! says Admiral de Guichen.

Suit yourself, says Arthur. It's half full of sangria.

Sangria? says Admiral de Guichen. Perhaps I was too hasty.....

Arthur! calls Gaius. Hurry up! We're going!

I haven't had my lunch, says Arthur.

Too late now, says Schopenhauer. You will have to eat the lobster.

No one eats Admiral de Guichen, says Admiral de Guichen.

Admiral! says Schopenhauer. My apologies. What's  happened to your leg?

Old sea injury, says Admiral de Guichen.

..........

The Ute speeds on to Warrnambool, and through. Next stop Lorne.

Schopenhauer is driving, with Ray beside him in the cabin.

Arthur, Gaius and Admiral de Guichen are in the back, drinking sangria, simply to make room in the jug.

What's a following wind? asks Admiral de Guichen.

A wind that blows the same way that the waves are going, says Arthur.

I was wished one today by Captain Wishart, says Admiral de Guichen.

Useless in the back of a Ute, says Arthur. He must have thought you would be sailing.

An innocent mistake, says Admiral de Guichen. But I've really lost a leg. I wish Captain Wishart had wished I'd get my leg back.

You'll grow a new one, says Arthur.

Gaius is looking idly at the Coastal Leader, the newspaper the Admiral had been wrapped in.

There is a piece of broken leg stuck to the Classifieds.

He looks appraisingly at Admiral de Guichen.

Is that my leg? says Admiral de Guichen.

Lobsters Are The True Custodians Of History

Gaius, Ray,and Schopenhauer disappear inside the Slitti Cafe.

Arthur goes off looking for a bucket.

The lobster lies on the floor of the Ute, breathing the fresh air of Port Fairy.

Ahhh! He feels okay.

He clambers out.

Avoiding the tourists, of whom there are not many, he finds his way by sniffing to the river.

.......

Cakes and chocolate! says Schopenhauer. Is that all you have?

And fine Tuscan coffee, says the owner.

A sandwich would be nice, says Ray.

Then you must go elsewhere, says the owner.

I don't mind cakes for lunch, says Schopenhauer.

Gaius is unsettled. He would not choose cakes for lunch. But Arthur has the money. And Arthur will return to Slitti Cafe. So cakes it will have to be.

They sit outside in the sun, under an umbrella, from where you smell the river and the sea.

.......


The lobster has found a secluded spot between two rocks half submerged in murky water.

He settles down to survey all the boats.

But no. It is not so secluded. He has settled down beside a local lobster.

Hello, says the local lobster. Welcome to the Moyne. I'm Captain Wishart.

Our lobster does not wish to be outdone.

Admiral de Guichen, says our lobster. Lately come from Robe.

You've come at a quiet time, says Captain Wishart. Between the Folk Festival and the Koroit Irish Festival, it's pretty dead here for a week or two.

That's fine by me, says Admiral de Guichen. I'm in need of some gentle R and R. Been wrapped up in a cursed newspaper for hours.

Tsk, says Captain Wishart. Well, enjoy your time here in Port Fairy.

Lovely name, says Admiral de Guichen. What's its origin?

Captain Wishart likes answering this question.

He explains that in 1828 or thereabouts, a certain Captain Wishart, ( for whom he is named ), sheltered from a storm here in his tiny cutter named the Fairy.

Charming, says Admiral de Guichen. And you know of course about the naming of Guichen Bay.

I do indeed, says Captain Wishart. Though not so many do these days. I do believe we lobsters are the only true custodians of history.

My sentiments exactly, says Admiral de Guichen. It's been wonderful to meet you. I must return to my Ute now. I only have ten minutes.

Happy sailing, says Captain Wishart. And a following wind.

Likewise, says Admiral de Guichen, as he turns and scrapes his way back to Bank Street, and the Slitti Cafe.

.........

And Arthur? He too is returning to the Slitti Cafe. And does he have a bucket? Not exactly. Rather, it is something that he has picked up from an unoccupied table outside another cafe.

An abandoned jug half full of sangria.

Marriage And Its Opposite

Early morning on a country road. Cool air. Long pale shadows.  Schopenhauer is speeding.

Don't drive so fast, says Ray.

Leave the driving to me, says Schopenhauer, as they speed through Millicent.

Millicent, says Ray dreamily. That's my wife's name.

So you are married, says Schopenhauer.

Was, says Ray. Millicent Mountjoy-Moon. She left me. You been married?

No, says Schopenhauer. Once nearly. An opera singer. She was nineteen, I was thirty three.

Opera singer. That's classy, says Ray.

Schopenhauer looks at Ray sideways.

I rejected marriage, says Schopenhauer. Marrying means to grasp blindfolded into a sack hoping to find an eel amongst an assembly of snakes.

That doesn't quite describe my marriage, says Ray. More the opposite.

Schopenhauer slows down a little. What would be the opposite? Ray was somewhat lacking in the snake department? He tries to picture Millicent Mountjoy-Moon.

They both fall silent. Ray's foot is throbbing to the rhythm of the passing trees.

.....

In the back, Arthur is catching up on the sleep he missed last night.

Gaius is checking his itinerary. It should be three hours to Port Fairy. Then, another three or four to Lorne. Perhaps there will be time to potter on the beach there.......

Arthur's newspaper-wrapped parcel moves a little.

It must be the wind. Gaius moves the parcel with his foot, wedging it under a bike pedal.

It moves again.

Gaius pokes Arthur.

What? says Arthur. I was sleeping.

I know, says Gaius, but whatever's in your parcel has woken up.

Impossible, says Arthur. It's a dead one.

See for yourself, says Gaius.

They both stare hard at the newspaper parcel.

The parcel edges itself out from under the bicycle pedal, and unwraps itself.

.........

Lunch time. They drive into picturesque Port Fairy.

Schopenhauer pulls up outside  cafe.

Chop chop, says Schopenhauer. Ten minute lunch break.

Ray eases himself out of the cabin with difficulty.

Gaius climbs out of the back, followed by Arthur.

We must get a bucket, says Gaius.

Nonsense, says Schopenhauer. This is a civilised town. There will be public toilets.

......

In the back of the Ute, on a yellow-smeared double sheet of newspaper, waving its antennae hypnotically, lies a living breathing kidnapped lobster, waiting for a bucket filled with water.

The Community Spirit Typical Of The Country

It is late at night, in Robe. The sea is swooshing. A night owl hoots twice. Hoot hoot. A vehicle rumbles by, lighting up the casuarinas in a spooky way.

Ray, Gaius and Schopenhauer are sleeping in back of the Ute.

Arthur is in the cabin.

Let's have a look at Arthur. Is he sleeping?

No he isn't. A closer look will tell us that he isn't even there.

Perhaps he is at the restaurant, breaking into the kitchen?

Perhaps he is on the beach?

It is too dark. The moon is hidden.

What noise does a dying lobster make?

.......

Ding! It's morning.

Gaius sits up and rubs his eyes.

Will the police station be open? He decides to go and see.

Knock knock. He knocks on the policeman's door. It opens.

Oh it's you, says the policeman. Did you enjoy your dinner?

No, says Gaius. We had the Lobster Thermidor Pie. It was the minutest dinner I have ever had the misfortune to have eaten.

You ordered the Lobster Thermidor Pie! says the policeman, astonished. That's an entrée!

Is it? says Gaius. Perhaps that explains it. Fortunately, I wasn't paying. Now, I wish to report two missing bicycles.

It's very early, says the policeman. Could you come back later?

No, says Gaius. We are leaving shortly for Port Fairy.

All right, says the policeman. I shall make an exception. Step inside.

Gaius fills out two forms describing the two missing bicycles.

The policeman reads them through, thinks for a moment. Hmm.

You are in luck, says the policeman. Your missing bicycles are out the back. Come through.

........

Gaius wheels the recovered bicycles back to the Ute. Schopenhauer and Ray are in the back, just waking up. Arthur is sitting sideways in the cabin with his legs out.

You got them back! says Arthur. Where were they?

You won't believe it, says Gaius. They were out the back of the police station all along. He said someone must have borrowed them, and left them there. I was all for filing a complaint, but he said not to bother.

This is the country, says Ray. You have to expect it.

What? says Schopenhauer. Stealing? Serving tiny dinners?

A sense of community, says Ray. What's yours is mine, and vice versa.

You're delirious, says Schopenhauer.

Let's see your foot, says Arthur.

Ray peels off his sock. The sea urchin spine is a hard purple stump in the middle of a yellow pus ball.

You could pop that now, says Arthur.

No, says Ray. I'll see a doctor when I get to Melbourne. We should get going. Schopenhauer will drive.

Absolutely, says Schopenhauer confidently. Get in. Ray in the front with me, Arthur and Gaius in the back there with the bikes.

Arthur jumps down from the cabin. Reaches back in and grabs something wrapped in newspaper. Tosses it into the back. Climbs in.

Schopenhauer helps Ray up into the cabin.

Sniff sniff. It smells a bit, of last night's dinner.

Joy Interrupted

Ray is thinking : We should drive on without them.

Then he remembers Arthur has the money. And Schopenhauer expects to visit Tasmania.

All right, says Ray. You can drive us to the police station. First lesson. Get behind the wheel, and turn the key.

Schopenhauer settles himself behind the steering wheel, and turns the key. Brrrmmm!

Now, says Ray. See those pedals?

Too late, Schopenhauer has let the hand brake off and crunched the gearstick. Crawk!

Clutch! says Ray. That's the accelerator.......Crikey!

Does Schopenhauer know more than he's let on?

The Ute lurches down the road in the direction of the building which might be the police station, and stops abruptly as it hits the kerb.

We must be out of petrol, says Schopenhauer.

No, says Ray. Arthur just filled up with petrol. Although it looks like he didn't fill it up completely.

Schopenhauer gets out of the Ute and walks over to the building.

Police! he calls.

A door opens. Gaius and Arthur come out.

Mmmm. What is that delightful smell that wafts out with them ? Is it....could it be.... the sweet smell of Lobster Thermidor?

Is that Lobster I can smell? says Schopenhauer.

Yes, says Arthur. But don't get too excited. It's the policeman's dinner.

Did you ask him where he got it? says Schopenhauer.

No, says Gaius. Maybe we should have. It looks like we'll be staying overnight. He won't let us report the missing bicycles. He says he's closed

Schopenhauer knocks loudly on the policeman's door.

The policeman appears, looking like a man who's dinner has been interrupted.

My friends and I could not help noticing, says Schopenhauer, that you are eating Lobster. We should very much also like to eat Lobster. Will you tell us where we may obtain it?

Sails Restaurant, says the policeman. Down the road a bit. But you might need to make a booking.

No,  says Schopenhauer. We shall not need to make a booking. We shall insist on being seated. For this reason. We have been detained in Robe against our wills.

The policeman shuts the door. These bloody tourists. See how far they get with their demands.

Come and eat your Lobster, says his wife.

The policeman sits down in front of his half of the Lobster and wonders if his wife has switched the plates.

.........

Sails Restaurant is illuminated brightly and is full of happy diners eating Lobster.

Gaius, Ray, Arthur and Schopenhauer are sitting at a table looking at the menu.

Southern Rock Lobster with Fattoush Salad and Roast Potatoes. Price On Application.

We'll all have that, says Schopenhauer to the waiter.

Sorry, says the waiter. You have to order Lobster in advance.

Enlighten Me

Schopenhauer bends down to examine the Platonic Ideal for scratches.

Yes, there are one or two slight scratches on the Gios frame.

Arthur thinks he ought to get some kudos.

Lucky it's here, says Arthur.

Not for me, says Schopenhauer. And not for you.

No, for Ray, says Arthur. He can get on the back and you can wheel him to the Ute.

Excellent, says Gaius. That is most expeditious. Get up Ray and stop being a ninny.

Where's the Ute? says Schopenhauer.

At the Caltex down the road, says Arthur.

Schopenhauer gets on his bike and rides off down the road towards the Caltex.

Hey! says Ray.

Epic, says Matzo. He's no Buddhist.

Aw, says Fling. Depends.

Enlighten me, dude, says Matzo. How is he a Buddhist? He spat the dummy. He's nowhere on the path to the cessation.

Dude, says Fling. He's focused. He's on the Eightfold Path.

Which part? says Matzo. Right mindfulness? I don't think so.

This could go on forever, and it's nearly dinner time.

Therefore let us skip to fifteen minutes later.

.......

Fifteen minutes later, Gaius, Ray and Arthur arrive at the Ute, where Schopenhauer is waiting.

Schopenhauer is in a better mood.

The other two bicycles appear to have been stolen.

Arthur is surprised.

What about the police car that kept drifting past?

We must report this to the local police at once, says Gaius.

Off you go , says Schopenhauer. I'll wait here with Ray.

Come on Arthur, says Gaius. Let's find the police station before it closes.

They walk down the road to where there are a some buildings.

.........

I won't be able to drive with this injury, says Ray to Schopenhauer. Do you drive?

Me? No, says Schopenhauer. But I'm sure I would be good at it. It can't be difficult.

Help me in, says Ray. I'll give you a lesson. I don't trust Arthur.

He seems all right, says Schopenhauer.

You don't know him like I do, says Ray.

Schopenhauer helps Ray in.

See what I mean, says Ray. He's left the bloody keys in.

That's good isn't it, says Schopenhauer.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? says Ray.

I could drive us to the police station, says Schopenhauer.

No, says Ray. That wasn't it.