The women of Roman Britain used a foundation made of animal fat, starch and tin oxide, said Pliny the Elder, this morning.
Well, I said. How come you didn't know that yesterday?
I did, said Pliny. I forgot.
That happens, I agreed. Foundation, you say? So it wasn't a lipstick.
No, said Pliny. It was a face whitener.
Then what's it doing in my shimmering brown Dangerous Diva?
Shimmering, said Pliny.
Was it poisonous? I asked.
I don't know, said Pliny, But I believe it used to set quite stiffly on their faces.
That would have been the starch. How is it we know what the ingredients were?
A little pot of grayish cream was dug up in south London, said Pliny. It had fingermarks on the lid, and in the cream. It dated back to the second century AD.
How did they know what it was for?
At first they thought it might be toothpaste, but....
But?
They analysed the ingredients and decided it must have been a facial cream. Either that or...
Yes?
A cream for smearing on to sacrificial goats.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Dangerous Diva
Pliny the Elder disagreed with me about crinolines being worn by fashionable ladies in pre-revolutionary France.
I believe you are wrong, he said.
Oh? I said. Why is that?
Because, he replied, crinolines were not invented until the 1830s. The skirts worn by ladies in pre-revolutionary France were padded out on the sides with panniers. I'm surprised you did not know that.
I did know that, I just forgot, I said. I'm surprised that you knew it, though.
You forget, said Pliny, that I take an interest in everything.
I do forget that, sometimes, I agreed. But since you do take an interest in everything, what do you know of the ingredients used in ladies' lipsticks?
Do you have a particular reason for asking? asked Pliny.
I do, I said. I am wondering whether tin oxide is a proper ingredient in a lipstick.
Offhand, said Pliny, I do not know, but it sounds quite a dangerous substance to be painting on one's lips .
That's what I thought, I said, when I read the ingredients of my new lipstick this morning. The last ingredient was tin oxide.
Let us try and find out more, said Pliny, helpfully. Now, I believe ladies' lipsticks have names. What is the name of yours?
Dangerous Diva, I replied.
Pliny seemed about to say something, but, uncharacteristically, held it back.
I believe you are wrong, he said.
Oh? I said. Why is that?
Because, he replied, crinolines were not invented until the 1830s. The skirts worn by ladies in pre-revolutionary France were padded out on the sides with panniers. I'm surprised you did not know that.
I did know that, I just forgot, I said. I'm surprised that you knew it, though.
You forget, said Pliny, that I take an interest in everything.
I do forget that, sometimes, I agreed. But since you do take an interest in everything, what do you know of the ingredients used in ladies' lipsticks?
Do you have a particular reason for asking? asked Pliny.
I do, I said. I am wondering whether tin oxide is a proper ingredient in a lipstick.
Offhand, said Pliny, I do not know, but it sounds quite a dangerous substance to be painting on one's lips .
That's what I thought, I said, when I read the ingredients of my new lipstick this morning. The last ingredient was tin oxide.
Let us try and find out more, said Pliny, helpfully. Now, I believe ladies' lipsticks have names. What is the name of yours?
Dangerous Diva, I replied.
Pliny seemed about to say something, but, uncharacteristically, held it back.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Ensemble Le Monde
" As you sit here, contentedly awaiting a pleasant lunch hour concert of music by a great composer you probably know and love, imagine being in a considerably more apprehensive audience 210 years ago, about to hear Beethoven's Septet for the first time..."
Wah! Who expects to read something like that in the program notes! It quite put me off. Firstly, I do not know-and-love Beethoven. He is merely an acquaintance.
Secondly I felt obliged to imagine the dratted thing.
So I'm listening to the music, which is nothing to be apprehensive about by the way, and I'm trying to imagine what I'm wearing. It's 1800, and I'm at a soiree in the Royal Imperial Court Theatre In Vienna.
This is mental! What did ladies wear in 1800? I know what they used to wear in France before the Revolution. Big crinoline dresses ! And I know what they used to wear in England in Jane Austen's day. Diaphanous high waisted dresses. But 1800 is just in between.
And here I am, trying to imagine that I'm at this freaking soiree, in an unspecified sort of dress, possibly with large feathers in my hair, or possibly jewels, and I'm sitting behind row after row of people wearing jumpers. Not only that but on the very front row, I can see this chap with greasy grey curly locks and an orange jacket with a thin polyester hood askew about his shoulders.
Aren't we all imagining we're in Vienna?
Wah! Who expects to read something like that in the program notes! It quite put me off. Firstly, I do not know-and-love Beethoven. He is merely an acquaintance.
Secondly I felt obliged to imagine the dratted thing.
So I'm listening to the music, which is nothing to be apprehensive about by the way, and I'm trying to imagine what I'm wearing. It's 1800, and I'm at a soiree in the Royal Imperial Court Theatre In Vienna.
This is mental! What did ladies wear in 1800? I know what they used to wear in France before the Revolution. Big crinoline dresses ! And I know what they used to wear in England in Jane Austen's day. Diaphanous high waisted dresses. But 1800 is just in between.
And here I am, trying to imagine that I'm at this freaking soiree, in an unspecified sort of dress, possibly with large feathers in my hair, or possibly jewels, and I'm sitting behind row after row of people wearing jumpers. Not only that but on the very front row, I can see this chap with greasy grey curly locks and an orange jacket with a thin polyester hood askew about his shoulders.
Aren't we all imagining we're in Vienna?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
After, and Before
After the Rubber Band Debate we decided to go for a walk. I remember thinking, during the walk, that if the Tour de France was over, I would be paying more attention to my surroundings.
That is not to say I was thinking about the Tour De France.
I was coasting, observing nothing properly.
How lucky I was to have had that thought. For, from the moment that I thought it, I began to observe things properly again, but in a different way.
That was last Saturday. Let us see how long the proper memory has lasted.
We left mum sitting on a seat. No, that's wrong, we left her just about to sit down on a seat. She probably sat down on it after that. But by then we were walking south along the footpath towards Seacliff.
The sea was on our right, slopping and gleaming like molten steel in a bowl. Then the sand heaps, ugly. Then the dunes and struggling grasses. Then the gnarled and twisted bushes, the decrepit fence, the footpath, and us walking on it, towards Seacliff.
We were talking about something in Latin. That is not to say we were speaking Latin. We can't do that. We were talking about a word, errato, and whether it existed....
After that we fell silent. There was a sound, probably of the sea, slopping. What else could it have been? And another sound, probably of rustling bushes, or a bouncing car. Whatever the sounds, they were enough to make me think about listening, so then I heard another car, and several birds.
On the way back, northwards, towards Hove, we seemed to be somehow tilted towards the sky. I suppose the path must go uphill very slightly. In any case, I remember looking at the clouds which looked like solid lumps of dirty yellow wadding. Far away above the horizon a slash of blue sky promised the sun, by means of a triangulation of sunbeams. But minutes before it appeared, we had to turn up Smith Street.
That is not to say I was thinking about the Tour De France.
I was coasting, observing nothing properly.
How lucky I was to have had that thought. For, from the moment that I thought it, I began to observe things properly again, but in a different way.
That was last Saturday. Let us see how long the proper memory has lasted.
We left mum sitting on a seat. No, that's wrong, we left her just about to sit down on a seat. She probably sat down on it after that. But by then we were walking south along the footpath towards Seacliff.
The sea was on our right, slopping and gleaming like molten steel in a bowl. Then the sand heaps, ugly. Then the dunes and struggling grasses. Then the gnarled and twisted bushes, the decrepit fence, the footpath, and us walking on it, towards Seacliff.
We were talking about something in Latin. That is not to say we were speaking Latin. We can't do that. We were talking about a word, errato, and whether it existed....
After that we fell silent. There was a sound, probably of the sea, slopping. What else could it have been? And another sound, probably of rustling bushes, or a bouncing car. Whatever the sounds, they were enough to make me think about listening, so then I heard another car, and several birds.
On the way back, northwards, towards Hove, we seemed to be somehow tilted towards the sky. I suppose the path must go uphill very slightly. In any case, I remember looking at the clouds which looked like solid lumps of dirty yellow wadding. Far away above the horizon a slash of blue sky promised the sun, by means of a triangulation of sunbeams. But minutes before it appeared, we had to turn up Smith Street.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
IKEA
What's IKEA? I repeated. Pliny, don't you know?
No, I don't, said Pliny. What is it ?
It's a place, a huge, vast, enormous place, where you go with your mum to look at furniture and furnishings and knicknacks, and, as you tend to fall into a sort of trance there, the time goes by until you realise you are going to be obliged to buy some lunch.
That sounds good, said Pliny. Lunch.
Little you know, I replied, remembering the greenish layers on the salmon chunks, and how they had disagreed with my mother afterwards.
In any case, it doesn't matter, said Pliny. I don't suppose I will ever go there.
No, I'm sure you won't, I said. Were there any other questions?
Yes, said Pliny. What was that about placing a rubber band around your mother's curtain rod, and a subsequent debate?
Oh, that's a funny story, I said. I made her some nice blue curtains with the stuff we bought at IKEA, and took them round on Saturday. The curtain rod was too long and needed to be cut, so we measured it and marked it with a rubber band, so that the handyman would know where to saw it off on Tuesday.
That's not very funny, said Pliny.
Wait, I said, it becomes funny. Then mum said, perhaps we should mark it with a marking pen.
We marked it with the rubber band, I said.
What if it moves? she said.
Why would it move? I said.
Someone might move it, she said.
Why would they? I said.
I don't know, she said.
I'm sure no one will move it, I said.
Alright, she said. But it's risky!
Well, mark it, I said.
But she didn't.
Dear me, said Pliny, not laughing. I can't help thinking that one of you was being deliberately obtuse.
No, I don't, said Pliny. What is it ?
It's a place, a huge, vast, enormous place, where you go with your mum to look at furniture and furnishings and knicknacks, and, as you tend to fall into a sort of trance there, the time goes by until you realise you are going to be obliged to buy some lunch.
That sounds good, said Pliny. Lunch.
Little you know, I replied, remembering the greenish layers on the salmon chunks, and how they had disagreed with my mother afterwards.
In any case, it doesn't matter, said Pliny. I don't suppose I will ever go there.
No, I'm sure you won't, I said. Were there any other questions?
Yes, said Pliny. What was that about placing a rubber band around your mother's curtain rod, and a subsequent debate?
Oh, that's a funny story, I said. I made her some nice blue curtains with the stuff we bought at IKEA, and took them round on Saturday. The curtain rod was too long and needed to be cut, so we measured it and marked it with a rubber band, so that the handyman would know where to saw it off on Tuesday.
That's not very funny, said Pliny.
Wait, I said, it becomes funny. Then mum said, perhaps we should mark it with a marking pen.
We marked it with the rubber band, I said.
What if it moves? she said.
Why would it move? I said.
Someone might move it, she said.
Why would they? I said.
I don't know, she said.
I'm sure no one will move it, I said.
Alright, she said. But it's risky!
Well, mark it, I said.
But she didn't.
Dear me, said Pliny, not laughing. I can't help thinking that one of you was being deliberately obtuse.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Three Weeks
Aha! said Pliny the Elder. The Tour de France is finished. What shall we do next?
I don't know about you, I said, but I am going to catch up on all the things that have happened at home in the last three weeks.
But that might take three weeks, said Pliny.
No, it won't, I said. Watch this:
Thursday: mum doesn't like her chickenless caesar salad at the library
Friday: photograph pineapple in bicycle helmet
Saturday: replace bedroom curtain which has mysterious rents
Sunday: daughter deactivates twitter account; giant saucer placed under mum's tree
Monday: daughter deactivates facebook account; I realise we are still nonvirtual friends
Tuesday: Qi Long looks at me when I say hello to him several times
Wednesday: think about tomorrow
Thursday: fall over dramatically on the way to a lecture, graze knee
Friday: headache
Saturday: election called; I hope Julia wins!
Sunday: daughter returns from London in shorts
Monday: washing and ironing
Tuesday: Li Feng gives me two pieces of warmed up cake to eat
Wednesday: IKEA
Thursday: Pi Approximation Day: watch movie Pi and eat pies at the science exchange
Friday: very cold day.
Saturday: put a rubber band round mum's curtain rod, debate with her its merits as marker
Sunday: Masterchef full of preposterous drama; Adam wins
There, Pliny, I said. That's what happened. Is there anything you would like me to elaborate upon?
Pliny looked perplexed.
What's IKEA? he said.
I don't know about you, I said, but I am going to catch up on all the things that have happened at home in the last three weeks.
But that might take three weeks, said Pliny.
No, it won't, I said. Watch this:
Thursday: mum doesn't like her chickenless caesar salad at the library
Friday: photograph pineapple in bicycle helmet
Saturday: replace bedroom curtain which has mysterious rents
Sunday: daughter deactivates twitter account; giant saucer placed under mum's tree
Monday: daughter deactivates facebook account; I realise we are still nonvirtual friends
Tuesday: Qi Long looks at me when I say hello to him several times
Wednesday: think about tomorrow
Thursday: fall over dramatically on the way to a lecture, graze knee
Friday: headache
Saturday: election called; I hope Julia wins!
Sunday: daughter returns from London in shorts
Monday: washing and ironing
Tuesday: Li Feng gives me two pieces of warmed up cake to eat
Wednesday: IKEA
Thursday: Pi Approximation Day: watch movie Pi and eat pies at the science exchange
Friday: very cold day.
Saturday: put a rubber band round mum's curtain rod, debate with her its merits as marker
Sunday: Masterchef full of preposterous drama; Adam wins
There, Pliny, I said. That's what happened. Is there anything you would like me to elaborate upon?
Pliny looked perplexed.
What's IKEA? he said.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Les Champs
The final day of the Tour de France! Team Philosophe is riding towards Paris and drinking champagne from plastic flutes.
The VeloDone: Ah Paris! At last! I was born here, you know.
Jean Paul Sartre: So was I. And so was Simone.
Le Bon David : Not me. I was born in Edinburgh.
The VeloDrone: I sometimes forget. But you are an honorary Frenchman.
Le Bon David: Thank you. Oh I am glad the Tour is over. Will we three be in it next year? What do you think?
Jean Paul Sartre: I am negotiating to get back with Team Existentialiste.
The VeloDrone: Oh?
Jean Paul Sartre: 'Fraid so. I am more in tune with their mode of thinking.
Le Bon David: Haven't we got on alright?
Jean Paul Sartre: You called me a weasel.
Le Bon David: That was in the heat of the moment, when you were being a weasel.
The VeloDrone: It doesn't matter. We are negotiating too, Jean Paul.
Jean Paul Sartre: Oh, who with?
Le Bon David: Yes, who with?
The VeloDrone: You know, David. It is someone much younger.
Jean Paul Sartre: Wittgenstein?
Le Bon David: Younger.
Jean Paul Sartre: Who then?
The VeloDrone: It's Alain de Botton.
Jean Paul Sartre: What has he got to offer?
The VeloDrone: Don't you know? He's a sprinter.
The VeloDone: Ah Paris! At last! I was born here, you know.
Jean Paul Sartre: So was I. And so was Simone.
Le Bon David : Not me. I was born in Edinburgh.
The VeloDrone: I sometimes forget. But you are an honorary Frenchman.
Le Bon David: Thank you. Oh I am glad the Tour is over. Will we three be in it next year? What do you think?
Jean Paul Sartre: I am negotiating to get back with Team Existentialiste.
The VeloDrone: Oh?
Jean Paul Sartre: 'Fraid so. I am more in tune with their mode of thinking.
Le Bon David: Haven't we got on alright?
Jean Paul Sartre: You called me a weasel.
Le Bon David: That was in the heat of the moment, when you were being a weasel.
The VeloDrone: It doesn't matter. We are negotiating too, Jean Paul.
Jean Paul Sartre: Oh, who with?
Le Bon David: Yes, who with?
The VeloDrone: You know, David. It is someone much younger.
Jean Paul Sartre: Wittgenstein?
Le Bon David: Younger.
Jean Paul Sartre: Who then?
The VeloDrone: It's Alain de Botton.
Jean Paul Sartre: What has he got to offer?
The VeloDrone: Don't you know? He's a sprinter.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Time Trials
The Team Philosophe riders are waiting for their turn in the time trials. They have mixed feelings about racing through Bordeaux.
The VeloDrone: What a crime to ride past all those wineries without stopping!
Le Bon David: After all the wine we drank last night? I don't think so!
Jean Paul Sartre: When's our turn?
The VeloDrone: David's next! He's the slowest.
Le Bon David: Here I go! Wheeeee! Wish me luck!
Jean Paul Sartre: Existentialists don't wish people luck.
The VeloDrone: Oh, put a cork in it, Jean Paul! Good luck David!
Jean Paul Sartre: That wasn't to say that I didn't hope he would do well.
The VeloDrone: Hmm.
Jean Paul Sartre: Everyone always misunderstands me.
The VeloDrone: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. To be misunderstood is perfectly normal.
Jean Paul Sartre: My father died when I was fifteen months old.
The VeloDrone: So what?
Jean Paul Sartre: I was raised by my mother and grandfather. Oh, how I loved my mother. Then, when I was twelve, she married again. My step-father bullied me.
The VeloDrone: Poor little Jean Paul! Oh look. You've missed your call! Now what will you do?
Jean Paul Sartre: It wasn't my fault. I shall go and complain!
The VeloDrone: What a crime to ride past all those wineries without stopping!
Le Bon David: After all the wine we drank last night? I don't think so!
Jean Paul Sartre: When's our turn?
The VeloDrone: David's next! He's the slowest.
Le Bon David: Here I go! Wheeeee! Wish me luck!
Jean Paul Sartre: Existentialists don't wish people luck.
The VeloDrone: Oh, put a cork in it, Jean Paul! Good luck David!
Jean Paul Sartre: That wasn't to say that I didn't hope he would do well.
The VeloDrone: Hmm.
Jean Paul Sartre: Everyone always misunderstands me.
The VeloDrone: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. To be misunderstood is perfectly normal.
Jean Paul Sartre: My father died when I was fifteen months old.
The VeloDrone: So what?
Jean Paul Sartre: I was raised by my mother and grandfather. Oh, how I loved my mother. Then, when I was twelve, she married again. My step-father bullied me.
The VeloDrone: Poor little Jean Paul! Oh look. You've missed your call! Now what will you do?
Jean Paul Sartre: It wasn't my fault. I shall go and complain!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Stage 18 - Irritations
The members of Team Philosophe are feeling discouraged. During the whole of the Tour so far they have never even progressed to the middle of the peloton.
The VeloDrone: One may as well stay home and cultivate one's garden!
Le Bon David: Or edit one's magazine.
Jean Paul Sartre: That's right. You two edit a magazine. I had forgotten. What is it about again?
The VeloDrone: Cycling, and philosophy. Would you like to contribute something, when the Tour is over? I think Belle et Bonne is going to ask Simone.
Jean Paul Sartre: Belle et Bonne! That girl is a puzzle to me.
The VeloDrone: Why? She is a treasure, but I have never found her a puzzle.
Le Bon David: Oh, she can be a puzzle. She will insist on calling me her uncle.
The VeloDrone: That is entirely your own fault, David. But tell me Jean Paul, why do you find her a puzzle?
Jean Paul Sartre: She told me that she had no difficulty understanding existentialism. She said it was about how irritating life can be if we let it.
The VeloDrone: Hee hee! That's good. So it is! So is all philosophy if you think about it.
Jean Paul Sartre: I asked her what she found irritating about her own life, and do you know
what she told me?
The VeloDrone: Nothing.
Jean Paul Sartre: How did you know?
Le Bon David: He is her father.
Jean Paul Sartre: No he isn't. Anyway, if she finds nothing to irritate her in her life, how can she understand existentialism?
The VeloDrone: Do you mean to say you agree with her definition of it?
Jean Paul Sartre: No, I'm just saying .....
Le Bon David: He's got you there, Jean Paul. But let's not argue. We'll soon be in Bordeaux. Who's for a glass of red?
The VeloDrone: One may as well stay home and cultivate one's garden!
Le Bon David: Or edit one's magazine.
Jean Paul Sartre: That's right. You two edit a magazine. I had forgotten. What is it about again?
The VeloDrone: Cycling, and philosophy. Would you like to contribute something, when the Tour is over? I think Belle et Bonne is going to ask Simone.
Jean Paul Sartre: Belle et Bonne! That girl is a puzzle to me.
The VeloDrone: Why? She is a treasure, but I have never found her a puzzle.
Le Bon David: Oh, she can be a puzzle. She will insist on calling me her uncle.
The VeloDrone: That is entirely your own fault, David. But tell me Jean Paul, why do you find her a puzzle?
Jean Paul Sartre: She told me that she had no difficulty understanding existentialism. She said it was about how irritating life can be if we let it.
The VeloDrone: Hee hee! That's good. So it is! So is all philosophy if you think about it.
Jean Paul Sartre: I asked her what she found irritating about her own life, and do you know
what she told me?
The VeloDrone: Nothing.
Jean Paul Sartre: How did you know?
Le Bon David: He is her father.
Jean Paul Sartre: No he isn't. Anyway, if she finds nothing to irritate her in her life, how can she understand existentialism?
The VeloDrone: Do you mean to say you agree with her definition of it?
Jean Paul Sartre: No, I'm just saying .....
Le Bon David: He's got you there, Jean Paul. But let's not argue. We'll soon be in Bordeaux. Who's for a glass of red?
Stage 17 - Contingencies
The last day in the Pyrenees. Will it rain? Will Andy Schleck make up the time he lost to Contador ? Will Team Philosophe regret the pies they gobbled yesterday? These are questions Simone and Belle have not yet thought to ask.
Simone de Beauvoir: I was interested to hear your story yesterday.
Belle et Bonne: And why not? It is quite interesting.
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes, but I also discovered that you and I have something in common.
Belle et Bonne: You are adopted?
Simone de Beauvoir: No. But you were sent to a convent because your parents were too poor to afford a dowry, and I was told by my father that I would never marry, for the same reason!
Belle et Bonne: What? But you lived in the twentieth century!
Simone de Beauvoir: Nevertheless, it is true. My family were middle class, but my grandfather went bankrupt the year after I was born, and was unable to pay my parents my mother's dowry.
Belle et Bonne: Bizarre! But you didn't care, did you?
Simone de Beauvoir: Of course not. I didn't want to marry. Jean Paul didn't want to either.
Belle et Bonne: He's a funny old thing, isn't he.
Simone de Beauvoir: Well it is difficult being an existentialist. It is hard to explain to people exactly what it is. He has never really been able to do it satisfactorily.
Belle et Bonne: But I thought everybody knew what it was.
Simone De Beauvoir: People only think they know what it is until they try to put it into words.
Belle et Bonne: I'm sure I could do it! Existentialism is just about how irritating life can be, if we let it.
Simone de Beauvoir: Oh my dear, that's good! You must tell it to Jean Paul. Oh no! It's starting to rain! How irritating. Let's stop and shelter under a tree.
Simone de Beauvoir: I was interested to hear your story yesterday.
Belle et Bonne: And why not? It is quite interesting.
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes, but I also discovered that you and I have something in common.
Belle et Bonne: You are adopted?
Simone de Beauvoir: No. But you were sent to a convent because your parents were too poor to afford a dowry, and I was told by my father that I would never marry, for the same reason!
Belle et Bonne: What? But you lived in the twentieth century!
Simone de Beauvoir: Nevertheless, it is true. My family were middle class, but my grandfather went bankrupt the year after I was born, and was unable to pay my parents my mother's dowry.
Belle et Bonne: Bizarre! But you didn't care, did you?
Simone de Beauvoir: Of course not. I didn't want to marry. Jean Paul didn't want to either.
Belle et Bonne: He's a funny old thing, isn't he.
Simone de Beauvoir: Well it is difficult being an existentialist. It is hard to explain to people exactly what it is. He has never really been able to do it satisfactorily.
Belle et Bonne: But I thought everybody knew what it was.
Simone De Beauvoir: People only think they know what it is until they try to put it into words.
Belle et Bonne: I'm sure I could do it! Existentialism is just about how irritating life can be, if we let it.
Simone de Beauvoir: Oh my dear, that's good! You must tell it to Jean Paul. Oh no! It's starting to rain! How irritating. Let's stop and shelter under a tree.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A Basket of Pies
It is a rest day. Although they know they should go out and practice, the Team Philosophe riders have opted for a country-style picnic with a basket of pies and champagne.
Le Bon David: Ahh. Pies! I've always loved pies. Beef pies, chicken pies....
Simone de Beauvoir: You will all regret this, you know. Your bodies will go into recovery mode, and not take kindly to riding the Tourmalet again tomorrow.
The VeloDrone: That is true. But right now I don't care a jot.
Jean Paul Sartre: Nor I.
Le Bon David: Nor I. Sit down Simone. Have a glass of wine. You too, Belle et Bonne.
Belle et Bonne: Ahh, this is nice. It reminds me of Ferney.
The VeloDrone: What good times we had there, didn't we dear!
Le Bon David: I have often wondered how you two came to meet.
The VeloDrone: May I tell them, Belle et Bonne, or perhaps you would prefer...?
Belle et Bonne: No, tell them, papa. You always tell it so nicely.
The VeloDrone: I was very ancient at the time. It was 1776, I recall. I heard from friends about a young girl from a poor but noble family who had been sent to a convent because her family could not afford a dowry. So I rescued her, and brought her to live at Ferney, my estate near Lake Geneva. It turned out to be the best thing I have done in all my life.
Belle et Bonne: Thank you papa.
Jean Paul Sartre: But this sounds a little improper.
Simone de Beauvoir: Since when did you think such things improper?
Le Bon David: Nevertheless.....I too think it sounds somewhat improper.
The VeloDrone: You people! She was just eighteen, and the best and sweetest of girls, the delight of my old age. I remember I married you off to the Marquis de Villette, didn't I, dear?
Belle et Bonne: So you did! And we all lived together at Ferney. And Madam Denis too. And her husband. It was so pleasant.
Le Bon David: Well, what an eye opener! So you are married, my dear?
Belle et Bonne: Errr, no. Not now......
The VeloDrone: That was all hundreds of years ago, you idiot!
Le Bon David; Ooh sorry. It must be the champers speaking.....may I have another pie?
Le Bon David: Ahh. Pies! I've always loved pies. Beef pies, chicken pies....
Simone de Beauvoir: You will all regret this, you know. Your bodies will go into recovery mode, and not take kindly to riding the Tourmalet again tomorrow.
The VeloDrone: That is true. But right now I don't care a jot.
Jean Paul Sartre: Nor I.
Le Bon David: Nor I. Sit down Simone. Have a glass of wine. You too, Belle et Bonne.
Belle et Bonne: Ahh, this is nice. It reminds me of Ferney.
The VeloDrone: What good times we had there, didn't we dear!
Le Bon David: I have often wondered how you two came to meet.
The VeloDrone: May I tell them, Belle et Bonne, or perhaps you would prefer...?
Belle et Bonne: No, tell them, papa. You always tell it so nicely.
The VeloDrone: I was very ancient at the time. It was 1776, I recall. I heard from friends about a young girl from a poor but noble family who had been sent to a convent because her family could not afford a dowry. So I rescued her, and brought her to live at Ferney, my estate near Lake Geneva. It turned out to be the best thing I have done in all my life.
Belle et Bonne: Thank you papa.
Jean Paul Sartre: But this sounds a little improper.
Simone de Beauvoir: Since when did you think such things improper?
Le Bon David: Nevertheless.....I too think it sounds somewhat improper.
The VeloDrone: You people! She was just eighteen, and the best and sweetest of girls, the delight of my old age. I remember I married you off to the Marquis de Villette, didn't I, dear?
Belle et Bonne: So you did! And we all lived together at Ferney. And Madam Denis too. And her husband. It was so pleasant.
Le Bon David: Well, what an eye opener! So you are married, my dear?
Belle et Bonne: Errr, no. Not now......
The VeloDrone: That was all hundreds of years ago, you idiot!
Le Bon David; Ooh sorry. It must be the champers speaking.....may I have another pie?
Stage 16 - The Weasel
It is Stage 16 of the Tour de France. Everyone is losing body fat, even Le Bon David. They are fearful that they might not make it to the top of the Col du Tourmalet.
Le Bon David: Ahh! I feel I am fading away.
The VeloDrone: You are fading away? Not as much as me !
Jean Paul Sartre: A fat man has an advantage on the Col du Tourmalet.
Le Bon David: Let me tell you it is no advantage. Or let me say, it would be no advantage. I do not consider myself a fat man, merely stout.
The VeloDrone: You were merely stout. Now, you are almost normal size.
Le Bon David: Thank you. But I am looking forward to regaining my stoutness when this is all over.
Jean Paul Sartre: I too feel as though I am fading away. This is a very tough ride. At times I consider the unthinkable.
The VeloDrone: What is the unthinkable?
Jean Paul Sartre: Giving up.
The VeloDrone: That is not unthinkable.
Jean Paul Sartre: Really? So you have thought the unthinkable too?
Le Bon David: Oh, we can't give up now. What would the ladies think?
Jean Paul Sartre: They would be very happy, I suspect.
The VeloDrone: What! But they are our biggest supporters.
Jean Paul Sartre: Don't forget, they have to do this beastly ride as well, even though they may go slower. It can't be easy for them.
Le Bon David: Well, I am going on. Jean Paul Sartre, you are nothing but a weasel!
Le Bon David: Ahh! I feel I am fading away.
The VeloDrone: You are fading away? Not as much as me !
Jean Paul Sartre: A fat man has an advantage on the Col du Tourmalet.
Le Bon David: Let me tell you it is no advantage. Or let me say, it would be no advantage. I do not consider myself a fat man, merely stout.
The VeloDrone: You were merely stout. Now, you are almost normal size.
Le Bon David: Thank you. But I am looking forward to regaining my stoutness when this is all over.
Jean Paul Sartre: I too feel as though I am fading away. This is a very tough ride. At times I consider the unthinkable.
The VeloDrone: What is the unthinkable?
Jean Paul Sartre: Giving up.
The VeloDrone: That is not unthinkable.
Jean Paul Sartre: Really? So you have thought the unthinkable too?
Le Bon David: Oh, we can't give up now. What would the ladies think?
Jean Paul Sartre: They would be very happy, I suspect.
The VeloDrone: What! But they are our biggest supporters.
Jean Paul Sartre: Don't forget, they have to do this beastly ride as well, even though they may go slower. It can't be easy for them.
Le Bon David: Well, I am going on. Jean Paul Sartre, you are nothing but a weasel!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Eugene Christophe
At the end of Stage 15 Team Philosphe is deep in philosophical debate.
The VeloDrone: At last! Andy Schleck has lost the yellow jersey!
Le Bon David: Yes. And Alberto Contador has got it. But don't you think he should have stopped when Andy Schleck's chain fell off near the top of the mountain?
The VeloDrone: Of course not! It is a race, not a game of English cricket! Your duty is to win, not to be fair.
Jean Paul Sartre: I agree. You create your own luck. You should seize the day!
Simone de Beauvoir: But Poor Andy Schleck! It wasn't his fault that his chain fell off.
Belle et Bonne: At least he was back on the road within seconds. In 1913 when the lead rider's fork broke he had to pick up his bicycle, run with it to the nearest village and mend it himself at the blacksmith's.
Simone de Beauvoir: That would have set him back a bit.
Belle et Bonne: Hours!
The VeloDrone: In that case, I wonder why he bothered. Are you quite sure this story is true, Belle et Bonne?
Belle et Bonne: Yes. His name was Eugene Christophe.
Le Bon David: I should not have bothered.
Jean Paul Sartre: Nor I.
Simone de Beauvoir: Then how would you have got home?
Belle et Bonne: Oh good one, Simone!
The VeloDrone: At last! Andy Schleck has lost the yellow jersey!
Le Bon David: Yes. And Alberto Contador has got it. But don't you think he should have stopped when Andy Schleck's chain fell off near the top of the mountain?
The VeloDrone: Of course not! It is a race, not a game of English cricket! Your duty is to win, not to be fair.
Jean Paul Sartre: I agree. You create your own luck. You should seize the day!
Simone de Beauvoir: But Poor Andy Schleck! It wasn't his fault that his chain fell off.
Belle et Bonne: At least he was back on the road within seconds. In 1913 when the lead rider's fork broke he had to pick up his bicycle, run with it to the nearest village and mend it himself at the blacksmith's.
Simone de Beauvoir: That would have set him back a bit.
Belle et Bonne: Hours!
The VeloDrone: In that case, I wonder why he bothered. Are you quite sure this story is true, Belle et Bonne?
Belle et Bonne: Yes. His name was Eugene Christophe.
Le Bon David: I should not have bothered.
Jean Paul Sartre: Nor I.
Simone de Beauvoir: Then how would you have got home?
Belle et Bonne: Oh good one, Simone!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Stage 14
It is the following day, as commonly happens in the Tour de France. The riders have reached Stage 14, and will soon be entering the Pyrenees. No one is looking forward to this.
Simone de Beauvoir and Belle et Bonne are discussing yesterday's conversation with Diderot, who is no longer riding with them behind the peloton.
Belle et Bonne: Wasn't it funny that we'd both read The Red Badge of Courage!
Simone de Beauvoir: Not all that funny. It's a famous book. The Americans are very proud of it you know.
Belle et Bonne: I know. They think it's the best book about war that anyone has ever written. But didn't you think Diderot was a bit weird about it? He's not an American. Yet he thought it was better than Tolstoy's War and Peace!
Simone de Beauvoir: Well, remember he is a backup rider for Team Encyclopedie, and may be called up at any time to play his part. He probably identifies quite strongly with the Young Soldier, wondering whether he'll be up to the challenge, or embarrass himself.
Belle et Bonne: The Young Soldier! Do you think so? But he's so old!
Simone de Beauvoir: How old do you think he is?
Belle et Bonne: I don't know. How old do you think he is?
Simone de Beauvoir: He looks about....
They are interrupted by Jean Paul Sartre, who has dropped back to pick up some spinach triangles for Team Philosophe. His friends are struggling before they have even reached the start of the final climb up to Ax3 Domaines.
Jean Paul Sartre: Have you got any more spinach triangles, Simone?
Simone de Beauvoir: No, mon petit. This is not a day for spinach triangles. You must all eat Power Bars today. Power Bars, Power Bars, nothing but Power Bars.
Belle et Bonne: Power Bars, Jean Paul !
Jean Paul Sartre: But I like spinach triangles.
Simone de Beauvoir: Too bad. There aren't any. By the way, mon petit. How old would you say Diderot is?
Jean Paul Sartre: I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
Simone de Beauvoir: I can't. I don't know where he is.
Jean Paul Sartre: Well, he's up ahead. He's just sped past us, going like the clappers.
Belle et Bonne: Oh goody! He must have been called up!
Simone de Beauvoir and Belle et Bonne are discussing yesterday's conversation with Diderot, who is no longer riding with them behind the peloton.
Belle et Bonne: Wasn't it funny that we'd both read The Red Badge of Courage!
Simone de Beauvoir: Not all that funny. It's a famous book. The Americans are very proud of it you know.
Belle et Bonne: I know. They think it's the best book about war that anyone has ever written. But didn't you think Diderot was a bit weird about it? He's not an American. Yet he thought it was better than Tolstoy's War and Peace!
Simone de Beauvoir: Well, remember he is a backup rider for Team Encyclopedie, and may be called up at any time to play his part. He probably identifies quite strongly with the Young Soldier, wondering whether he'll be up to the challenge, or embarrass himself.
Belle et Bonne: The Young Soldier! Do you think so? But he's so old!
Simone de Beauvoir: How old do you think he is?
Belle et Bonne: I don't know. How old do you think he is?
Simone de Beauvoir: He looks about....
They are interrupted by Jean Paul Sartre, who has dropped back to pick up some spinach triangles for Team Philosophe. His friends are struggling before they have even reached the start of the final climb up to Ax3 Domaines.
Jean Paul Sartre: Have you got any more spinach triangles, Simone?
Simone de Beauvoir: No, mon petit. This is not a day for spinach triangles. You must all eat Power Bars today. Power Bars, Power Bars, nothing but Power Bars.
Belle et Bonne: Power Bars, Jean Paul !
Jean Paul Sartre: But I like spinach triangles.
Simone de Beauvoir: Too bad. There aren't any. By the way, mon petit. How old would you say Diderot is?
Jean Paul Sartre: I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
Simone de Beauvoir: I can't. I don't know where he is.
Jean Paul Sartre: Well, he's up ahead. He's just sped past us, going like the clappers.
Belle et Bonne: Oh goody! He must have been called up!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The Red Badge of Courage
Somehow we have missed a day. Never mind. Stage 12, from Bourg-de-Peage to Mende, was uneventful. At the end of the day Andy Schleck was still wearing the yellow jersey.
The following day, Stage 13, our friends set out to ride from Rodez to Revel, past yellow fields of sunflowers, along roads shaded by leafy plane trees.
Let us eavesdrop on Team Philosophe.
The VeloDrone: How pleasant this is.
Le Bon David: Yes, and easy too. If only every day were like this.
Jean Paul Sartre: Enjoy it while you can. We shall soon be in the Pyrenees.
Le Bon David: Surely not! Not today!
Jean Paul Sartre: No, not today. Haven't you looked at the maps?
The VeloDrone: He never looks at the maps.
Jean Paul Sartre: A privilege of stragglers!
Le Bon David: Hey!
This is unedifying. Let us join Diderot and the ladies, at the rear.
Diderot: Are you interested in reading, Belle et Bonne?
Belle et Bonne: Oh yes. I always have something on the go.
Simone de Beauvoir: Tell him what you've been reading, Belle.
Belle et Bonne: I've just read The Red Badge of Courage, by Stephen Crane.
Diderot: How did you find it?
Belle et Bonne: It was on the Classics shelf in the library.
Diderot: No, I mean, how did you like it?
Belle et Bonne: I thought it was extraordinary! I wished I had read it before.
Simone de Beauvoir: Before what?
Belle et Bonne: What is the matter with everyone today? Asking ambiguous questions...
Simone de Beauvoir: It was your statement that was ambiguous, dear, not my question.
Diderot: Ahem. I too have read The Red Badge of Courage.
Simone de Beauvoir: Oh! How did you find it?
The following day, Stage 13, our friends set out to ride from Rodez to Revel, past yellow fields of sunflowers, along roads shaded by leafy plane trees.
Let us eavesdrop on Team Philosophe.
The VeloDrone: How pleasant this is.
Le Bon David: Yes, and easy too. If only every day were like this.
Jean Paul Sartre: Enjoy it while you can. We shall soon be in the Pyrenees.
Le Bon David: Surely not! Not today!
Jean Paul Sartre: No, not today. Haven't you looked at the maps?
The VeloDrone: He never looks at the maps.
Jean Paul Sartre: A privilege of stragglers!
Le Bon David: Hey!
This is unedifying. Let us join Diderot and the ladies, at the rear.
Diderot: Are you interested in reading, Belle et Bonne?
Belle et Bonne: Oh yes. I always have something on the go.
Simone de Beauvoir: Tell him what you've been reading, Belle.
Belle et Bonne: I've just read The Red Badge of Courage, by Stephen Crane.
Diderot: How did you find it?
Belle et Bonne: It was on the Classics shelf in the library.
Diderot: No, I mean, how did you like it?
Belle et Bonne: I thought it was extraordinary! I wished I had read it before.
Simone de Beauvoir: Before what?
Belle et Bonne: What is the matter with everyone today? Asking ambiguous questions...
Simone de Beauvoir: It was your statement that was ambiguous, dear, not my question.
Diderot: Ahem. I too have read The Red Badge of Courage.
Simone de Beauvoir: Oh! How did you find it?
Friday, July 16, 2010
Innocence
It is the end of the day of Stage 11. Everyone is discussing the disqualification of Mark Renshaw for head butting, including Diderot, who has made himself known to his old friends.
Diderot: Did you see it?
The VeloDrone: No. But you say he was disqualified?
Diderot: Yes. And he is now at the station with his bags packed,waiting to go home.
Le Bon David: Half his luck!
Jean Paul Sartre: I am inclined to agree.
Belle et Bonne: Now I'm sure you don't mean that, you two.
Simone de Beauvoir: No they don't, it is their tired legs talking. Let us change the subject. Monsieur Diderot, I did not know what to think, after finishing your book, The Nun.
Jean Paul Sartre: There's a turn-up! You usually know exactly what to think about everything.
Belle et Bonne: Hee hee!
Le Bon David: You sound just like your papa when you laugh like that, Belle et Bonne.
Belle et Bonne: Oh how embarrassing! I shall never laugh again.
Diderot: But Simone, why was it that you did not know what to think?
Simone de Beauvoir: It was just too confusing! Your story of the nun is beautiful, intriguing and sad, with a great deal of satire directed towards convent life, and more than one hint that the young woman Suzanne is not quite as innocent as she portrays herself.
Diderot: Yes I got quite carried away with my story. I shed many a tear as I wrote it. As to her innocence, Simone, is that what you found confusing?
Simone de Beauvoir: No monsieur! It is your preface placed at the end of the novel that is confusing! What are we to think when you tell us the story is part of an elaborate hoax?
Diderot: That it is still a good story, whether told by a man in the voice of a nun, or told by a man using the voice of a man playing a trick upon another man using the voice of a nun. The story remains the same. And it was based on a true story, although that story had a different ending.......
Belle et Bonne: Thank goodness for that. Is it bedtime?
Diderot: Did you see it?
The VeloDrone: No. But you say he was disqualified?
Diderot: Yes. And he is now at the station with his bags packed,waiting to go home.
Le Bon David: Half his luck!
Jean Paul Sartre: I am inclined to agree.
Belle et Bonne: Now I'm sure you don't mean that, you two.
Simone de Beauvoir: No they don't, it is their tired legs talking. Let us change the subject. Monsieur Diderot, I did not know what to think, after finishing your book, The Nun.
Jean Paul Sartre: There's a turn-up! You usually know exactly what to think about everything.
Belle et Bonne: Hee hee!
Le Bon David: You sound just like your papa when you laugh like that, Belle et Bonne.
Belle et Bonne: Oh how embarrassing! I shall never laugh again.
Diderot: But Simone, why was it that you did not know what to think?
Simone de Beauvoir: It was just too confusing! Your story of the nun is beautiful, intriguing and sad, with a great deal of satire directed towards convent life, and more than one hint that the young woman Suzanne is not quite as innocent as she portrays herself.
Diderot: Yes I got quite carried away with my story. I shed many a tear as I wrote it. As to her innocence, Simone, is that what you found confusing?
Simone de Beauvoir: No monsieur! It is your preface placed at the end of the novel that is confusing! What are we to think when you tell us the story is part of an elaborate hoax?
Diderot: That it is still a good story, whether told by a man in the voice of a nun, or told by a man using the voice of a man playing a trick upon another man using the voice of a nun. The story remains the same. And it was based on a true story, although that story had a different ending.......
Belle et Bonne: Thank goodness for that. Is it bedtime?
Diderot
Unknown to Belle et Bonne and Simone de Beauvoir, Denis Diderot was riding directly behind them.
Denis Diderot: Excuse me ladies! I could not help hearing my name mentioned! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Denis Diderot, a friend of your papa, mademoiselle, and the author of the book you are reading, madame.
Simone de Beauvoir: I am not madame.
Denis Diderot: Then you must excuse me.
Simone de Beauvoir: Certainly. An understandable mistake. Many people think Jean Paul and I are married.
Denis Diderot: Jean Paul ? I don't know him. No, I thought you were the young lady's mother.
Simone de Beauvoir: Hmph!
Belle et Bonne: But, Monsieur Diderot, what are you doing here?
Denis Diderot: I am a backup rider for Team Encyclopedie. I don't expect to have very much to do, frankly. They are not really trying to win.
Belle et Bonne; Oh, what bad sports they must be. Team Philosophe always try their very best to win, even though they are all past their prime.
Simone de Beauvoir: Except perhaps for my petit Jean Paul.
Belle et Bonne: Oh yes, except perhaps for him.
Denis Diderot: Well madame, er, mademoiselle, how are you enjoying my novel, The Nun?
Simone de Beauvoir: It is certainly a page turner. But I should like to reserve my judgement until I have finished it. I have reason to believe there will be a surprise.
Denis Diderot: Indeed? What makes you think so?
Simone de Beauvoir: The introduction hints at it.
Denis Diderot: Introduction! What introduction? I deliberately placed my preface at the end!
Simone de Beauvoir: I know. But the modern edition comes with an introduction, which reveals what is in the preface. Do not worry, monsieur, I stopped reading it as soon as I realised. Now, would you like a spinach triangle?
Belle et Bonne: Yes, would you? Go on. We're both going to have one.
Denis Diderot: Excuse me ladies! I could not help hearing my name mentioned! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Denis Diderot, a friend of your papa, mademoiselle, and the author of the book you are reading, madame.
Simone de Beauvoir: I am not madame.
Denis Diderot: Then you must excuse me.
Simone de Beauvoir: Certainly. An understandable mistake. Many people think Jean Paul and I are married.
Denis Diderot: Jean Paul ? I don't know him. No, I thought you were the young lady's mother.
Simone de Beauvoir: Hmph!
Belle et Bonne: But, Monsieur Diderot, what are you doing here?
Denis Diderot: I am a backup rider for Team Encyclopedie. I don't expect to have very much to do, frankly. They are not really trying to win.
Belle et Bonne; Oh, what bad sports they must be. Team Philosophe always try their very best to win, even though they are all past their prime.
Simone de Beauvoir: Except perhaps for my petit Jean Paul.
Belle et Bonne: Oh yes, except perhaps for him.
Denis Diderot: Well madame, er, mademoiselle, how are you enjoying my novel, The Nun?
Simone de Beauvoir: It is certainly a page turner. But I should like to reserve my judgement until I have finished it. I have reason to believe there will be a surprise.
Denis Diderot: Indeed? What makes you think so?
Simone de Beauvoir: The introduction hints at it.
Denis Diderot: Introduction! What introduction? I deliberately placed my preface at the end!
Simone de Beauvoir: I know. But the modern edition comes with an introduction, which reveals what is in the preface. Do not worry, monsieur, I stopped reading it as soon as I realised. Now, would you like a spinach triangle?
Belle et Bonne: Yes, would you? Go on. We're both going to have one.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Bastille Day
Belle et Bonne and Simone de Beauvoir are cycling behind the peloton on the road from Chambery to Gap. The previous night was hot and they are feeling quite fatigued.
Simone de Beauvoir: Oh, I am feeling quite fatigued!
Belle et Bonne: Me too. Let's slow down. It's not as if we are competing.
Simone de Beauvoir: I hope that one of the French riders wins today. It's Bastille Day, you know.
Belle et Bonne: As if I could forget. Papa and Uncle David were going on about it all through breakfast. They insisted on having croissants even though croissants are a most unsuitable breakfast for a race day.
Simone de Beauvoir: Ahh. They are great champions of freedom, your papa and your uncle.
Belle et Bonne: He's not my uncle.
Simone de Beavoir: I keep forgetting. What do they think of France's decision to ban the burqa?
Belle et Bonne: They think it is hilarious. Papa says why go to the trouble of banning something hardly anybody wears. And Uncle David says he hopes more ladies start to wear them so that it will have been worthwhile bringing in the law.
Simone de Beauvoir: It is all very well for men to make a joke of it. But it is a serious question when different freedoms are pitted against one another. I wonder what Diderot would have said on the matter.
Belle et Bonne: Diderot?
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes, I'm reading his very curious book, The Nun, at the moment. It is about a beautiful young woman who is forced into a convent by her family. She suffers all manner of indignities there.
Belle et Bonne: Ooh! What kind of indignities?
Simone de Beauvoir: Jealousy, sadistic cruelty, lesbian advances.....in fact I'm not sure whether it's meant to be more titillating than instructive.
Belle et Bonne: I should like to read it after you. Diderot, you say? I'm sure papa knows him.
Simone de Beauvoir: He certainly does. Your papa contributed many articles to his famous Encyclopedie!
Simone de Beauvoir: Oh, I am feeling quite fatigued!
Belle et Bonne: Me too. Let's slow down. It's not as if we are competing.
Simone de Beauvoir: I hope that one of the French riders wins today. It's Bastille Day, you know.
Belle et Bonne: As if I could forget. Papa and Uncle David were going on about it all through breakfast. They insisted on having croissants even though croissants are a most unsuitable breakfast for a race day.
Simone de Beauvoir: Ahh. They are great champions of freedom, your papa and your uncle.
Belle et Bonne: He's not my uncle.
Simone de Beavoir: I keep forgetting. What do they think of France's decision to ban the burqa?
Belle et Bonne: They think it is hilarious. Papa says why go to the trouble of banning something hardly anybody wears. And Uncle David says he hopes more ladies start to wear them so that it will have been worthwhile bringing in the law.
Simone de Beauvoir: It is all very well for men to make a joke of it. But it is a serious question when different freedoms are pitted against one another. I wonder what Diderot would have said on the matter.
Belle et Bonne: Diderot?
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes, I'm reading his very curious book, The Nun, at the moment. It is about a beautiful young woman who is forced into a convent by her family. She suffers all manner of indignities there.
Belle et Bonne: Ooh! What kind of indignities?
Simone de Beauvoir: Jealousy, sadistic cruelty, lesbian advances.....in fact I'm not sure whether it's meant to be more titillating than instructive.
Belle et Bonne: I should like to read it after you. Diderot, you say? I'm sure papa knows him.
Simone de Beauvoir: He certainly does. Your papa contributed many articles to his famous Encyclopedie!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Out of Sight
At the end of Stage Nine in the Tour de France, Team Philosophe is nursing its wounds.
The VeloDrone: That Col de la Madeleine has just about finished me off! Oh my legs and shoulders!
Le Bon David: Where's Simone? I need some of her embrocation!
Simone de Beauvoir: Here I am. Sit down and I'll rub it in for you. Where does it hurt?
Le Bon David: Would you mind if I did it myself? Here let me just stick my finger in. Ahh, that's better.
Jean Paul Sartre: Ohh! I'm next! And you can rub it in, Simone.
Belle et Bonne: At least you are all in one piece! Have you heard what has happened to Cadel Evans? He was riding all day with a fracture! He has lost his yellow jersey and, at the finish, he wept in despair.
Le Bon David: So that was the reason for the blue strapping on his elbow.
Belle et Bonne: Yes. Underneath that blue strapping was something no one could see. That reminds me, Uncle David. Have you come up with an answer to Simone's question yet?
Jean Paul Sartre: I bet he hasn't.
The VeloDrone: I bet he has.
Le Bon David: It's a curly one. Do colours exist in the absence of light? No, only when the light is on. But there are exceptions.
Simone de Beauvoir: Oh? And what are they?
Le Bon David: Certain objects are hot enough to emit light of their own.
Belle et Bonne: Oh bravo, Uncle David! You see, Simone?
The VeloDrone: That Col de la Madeleine has just about finished me off! Oh my legs and shoulders!
Le Bon David: Where's Simone? I need some of her embrocation!
Simone de Beauvoir: Here I am. Sit down and I'll rub it in for you. Where does it hurt?
Le Bon David: Would you mind if I did it myself? Here let me just stick my finger in. Ahh, that's better.
Jean Paul Sartre: Ohh! I'm next! And you can rub it in, Simone.
Belle et Bonne: At least you are all in one piece! Have you heard what has happened to Cadel Evans? He was riding all day with a fracture! He has lost his yellow jersey and, at the finish, he wept in despair.
Le Bon David: So that was the reason for the blue strapping on his elbow.
Belle et Bonne: Yes. Underneath that blue strapping was something no one could see. That reminds me, Uncle David. Have you come up with an answer to Simone's question yet?
Jean Paul Sartre: I bet he hasn't.
The VeloDrone: I bet he has.
Le Bon David: It's a curly one. Do colours exist in the absence of light? No, only when the light is on. But there are exceptions.
Simone de Beauvoir: Oh? And what are they?
Le Bon David: Certain objects are hot enough to emit light of their own.
Belle et Bonne: Oh bravo, Uncle David! You see, Simone?
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Long Lunch
Our friends are enjoying their rest day in Morzine-Avoriaz. They are having a picnic of bread and cheese and berries in a sweet-smelling meadow overlooking a spectacular valley.
Jean Paul Sartre: Pass the cheese, please, Simone, ma cherie.
Simone de Beauvoir ( passing the cheese): Don't eat too much of it, mon petit. You will get heartburn.
The VeloDrone: Oh let him eat what he likes today. It's a holiday. Pass it to me when you're done with it, Jean Paul.
Belle et Bonne: It isn't a holiday papa, it's a rest day. You are supposed to be gathering your strength for the climb up the Col de la Madeleine tomorrow.
Le Bon David: Groan!!
Belle et Bonne: What's the matter, Uncle David?
Le Bon David: I am too old for this. I ache all over. This may be my last Tour de France. If philosophy teaches one how to live, then I have learned nothing.
Belle et Bonne: Don't be sad Uncle David. You are one of the most famous philosophers in the whole world. I'm sure you will figure out how to live quite soon. Let me in the meantime ask you the philosophical question I was going to ask you yesterday.
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes, ask him. I too will be interested in the answer.
Belle et Bonne: Yes, she will. It's really her question.
Le Bon David; Well. what is it then?
Belle et Bonne: Simone has to wear something blue to a party.
Simone de Beauvoir: I thought we weren't going to frame the question in that way!
Belle et Bonne: Oops! Sorry. I meant, Uncle David, do you think that colour can exist in the absence of light?
Le Bon David: I say! This isn't going to be a question about her undergarments, is it?
Jean Paul Sartre: Pass the cheese, please, Simone, ma cherie.
Simone de Beauvoir ( passing the cheese): Don't eat too much of it, mon petit. You will get heartburn.
The VeloDrone: Oh let him eat what he likes today. It's a holiday. Pass it to me when you're done with it, Jean Paul.
Belle et Bonne: It isn't a holiday papa, it's a rest day. You are supposed to be gathering your strength for the climb up the Col de la Madeleine tomorrow.
Le Bon David: Groan!!
Belle et Bonne: What's the matter, Uncle David?
Le Bon David: I am too old for this. I ache all over. This may be my last Tour de France. If philosophy teaches one how to live, then I have learned nothing.
Belle et Bonne: Don't be sad Uncle David. You are one of the most famous philosophers in the whole world. I'm sure you will figure out how to live quite soon. Let me in the meantime ask you the philosophical question I was going to ask you yesterday.
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes, ask him. I too will be interested in the answer.
Belle et Bonne: Yes, she will. It's really her question.
Le Bon David; Well. what is it then?
Belle et Bonne: Simone has to wear something blue to a party.
Simone de Beauvoir: I thought we weren't going to frame the question in that way!
Belle et Bonne: Oops! Sorry. I meant, Uncle David, do you think that colour can exist in the absence of light?
Le Bon David: I say! This isn't going to be a question about her undergarments, is it?
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Colour Question
The women sped up. They intended to catch up with Le Bon David and ask him his opinion on the colour question. As they pedalled they discussed how they might frame the question so as not to discompose the philosopher.
Simone de Beauvoir: It's easy really. The question can be framed thus: Can colour exist in the absence of light?
Belle et Bonne: Why yes! That's what we'll ask him.
It was lucky that the problem was so easily settled, because at that moment they needed to direct their attention towards the riders in front who were involved in a spill.
Simone de Beauvoir: Goodness me! It's Lance Armstrong! He has fallen off his bicycle! That's a piece of luck for Team Philosophe! Hurry up, Belle et Bonne!
They soon caught up with Team Philosophe, who were not as far advanced as Simone and Belle had supposed them to be.
Belle et Bonne: Hello, team! Guess what? Lance Armstrong has fallen off his bicycle!
The VeloDrone (glumly) : So has Cadel Evans, but he has got back on his bicycle and shot past us with his rainbow jersey all in tatters. I won't be surprised if he ends up wearing the yellow jersey at the end of the day.
Jean Paul Sartre: Hello Simone! No wonder you've caught up with us. We're pooped!
Simone de Beauvoir: Courage, mon petit !
Belle et Bonne: Uncle David! I have a philosophical question for you.
Le Bon David: My dear! I have a philosophical question for you too. Is this the time to be asking me a philosophical question, when my legs feel like jellyfish tentacles?
Belle et Bonne: Oh no. I'm so sorry, Uncle David. How thoughtless of me! Tomorrow is a rest day and my question must wait until then.
Simone de Beauvoir: It's easy really. The question can be framed thus: Can colour exist in the absence of light?
Belle et Bonne: Why yes! That's what we'll ask him.
It was lucky that the problem was so easily settled, because at that moment they needed to direct their attention towards the riders in front who were involved in a spill.
Simone de Beauvoir: Goodness me! It's Lance Armstrong! He has fallen off his bicycle! That's a piece of luck for Team Philosophe! Hurry up, Belle et Bonne!
They soon caught up with Team Philosophe, who were not as far advanced as Simone and Belle had supposed them to be.
Belle et Bonne: Hello, team! Guess what? Lance Armstrong has fallen off his bicycle!
The VeloDrone (glumly) : So has Cadel Evans, but he has got back on his bicycle and shot past us with his rainbow jersey all in tatters. I won't be surprised if he ends up wearing the yellow jersey at the end of the day.
Jean Paul Sartre: Hello Simone! No wonder you've caught up with us. We're pooped!
Simone de Beauvoir: Courage, mon petit !
Belle et Bonne: Uncle David! I have a philosophical question for you.
Le Bon David: My dear! I have a philosophical question for you too. Is this the time to be asking me a philosophical question, when my legs feel like jellyfish tentacles?
Belle et Bonne: Oh no. I'm so sorry, Uncle David. How thoughtless of me! Tomorrow is a rest day and my question must wait until then.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Station des Rousses
Belle et Bonne and Simone de Beauvoir are riding slowly up a Category Three hill towards Station des Rousses behind several members of the BBox team.
Simone de Beauvoir ( thoughtfully): That is a lovely shade of blue.
Belle et Bonne: What? The BBox blue?
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes. I have to wear something blue to a party.
Belle et Bonne: Oh what fun. How about the blue of Team Quick Step? That is very pretty. Or the aqua of Team Astana? That's my favourite colour of all.
Simone de Beauvoir: I am only dreaming. I do not have a blue dress. And I do not wish to spend money on a new one that I will wear only once.
Belle et Bonne; Well, have you any underwear that is blue? If someone at the party asks you why you are not wearing blue, you can say, Oh but I am wearing something blue. It is just that you cannot see it.
Simone de Beauvoir: What a clever idea! But this party will be attended by philosophers....
Belle et Bonne: Aha. I think I foresee the problem.
Simone de Beavoir: Yes, a philosopher would question whether something that is underneath one's outer clothing where no light penetrates can be considered to have any colour at all.
Belle et Bonne: It is debatable. It seems to me this is a question for Uncle David.
Simone de Beauvoir: It is indeed. But do you really wish to put it to him?
Belle et Bonne ( turning pink ) : Not unless I can put it to him without....
Simone de Beauvoir (laughing) : ..... the complication of underwear ! I'm sure it can be arranged!
Simone de Beauvoir ( thoughtfully): That is a lovely shade of blue.
Belle et Bonne: What? The BBox blue?
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes. I have to wear something blue to a party.
Belle et Bonne: Oh what fun. How about the blue of Team Quick Step? That is very pretty. Or the aqua of Team Astana? That's my favourite colour of all.
Simone de Beauvoir: I am only dreaming. I do not have a blue dress. And I do not wish to spend money on a new one that I will wear only once.
Belle et Bonne; Well, have you any underwear that is blue? If someone at the party asks you why you are not wearing blue, you can say, Oh but I am wearing something blue. It is just that you cannot see it.
Simone de Beauvoir: What a clever idea! But this party will be attended by philosophers....
Belle et Bonne: Aha. I think I foresee the problem.
Simone de Beavoir: Yes, a philosopher would question whether something that is underneath one's outer clothing where no light penetrates can be considered to have any colour at all.
Belle et Bonne: It is debatable. It seems to me this is a question for Uncle David.
Simone de Beauvoir: It is indeed. But do you really wish to put it to him?
Belle et Bonne ( turning pink ) : Not unless I can put it to him without....
Simone de Beauvoir (laughing) : ..... the complication of underwear ! I'm sure it can be arranged!
Missing Shades
Jean Paul Sartre started handing out the drinks and snacks.
The VeloDrone: Spinach Triangles! They're not high energy snacks!
Jean Paul Sartre: Simone swears by them. She says that anything green.....
Le Bon David: Here let me have one. Hmm, funny shade of green.
The VeloDrone: Perhaps it's your famous Missing Shade of Green.
Le Bon David: It was the Missing Shade of Blue.
The VeloDrone: Oh yes, so it was. But I suppose there could equally be a Missing Shade of Green.
Jean Paul Sartre: What's all this about?
Le Bon David ( modestly) : It's my well-known contradiction. I contended that there could be no idea without there first being an impression. Then I said that one could come up with an instance of an idea arising without there first being an impression, although it wasn't necessarily a serious problem......
Jean Paul Sartre: Come on man, get to the point.
Le Bon David: I'm eating, and riding a bike. Give me a break...
The VeloDrone: Let me explain it. He said that it would be possible for a person to imagine a shade of blue that fell between a lighter and a darker shade of blue, without ever having seen that particular shade of blue before in his life.
Jean Paul Sartre: I must tell Simone. She has to wear something blue to a party.
Le Bon David: What's that got to do with it?
Jean Paul Sartre: This new shade of blue you speak of.
The VeloDrone: But it's MISSING!
Jean Paul Sartre: That will not trouble Simone.
The VeloDrone: Spinach Triangles! They're not high energy snacks!
Jean Paul Sartre: Simone swears by them. She says that anything green.....
Le Bon David: Here let me have one. Hmm, funny shade of green.
The VeloDrone: Perhaps it's your famous Missing Shade of Green.
Le Bon David: It was the Missing Shade of Blue.
The VeloDrone: Oh yes, so it was. But I suppose there could equally be a Missing Shade of Green.
Jean Paul Sartre: What's all this about?
Le Bon David ( modestly) : It's my well-known contradiction. I contended that there could be no idea without there first being an impression. Then I said that one could come up with an instance of an idea arising without there first being an impression, although it wasn't necessarily a serious problem......
Jean Paul Sartre: Come on man, get to the point.
Le Bon David: I'm eating, and riding a bike. Give me a break...
The VeloDrone: Let me explain it. He said that it would be possible for a person to imagine a shade of blue that fell between a lighter and a darker shade of blue, without ever having seen that particular shade of blue before in his life.
Jean Paul Sartre: I must tell Simone. She has to wear something blue to a party.
Le Bon David: What's that got to do with it?
Jean Paul Sartre: This new shade of blue you speak of.
The VeloDrone: But it's MISSING!
Jean Paul Sartre: That will not trouble Simone.
Friday, July 9, 2010
The Life Saver
Team Philosophe is riding in the middle of the main peloton. But they are beginning to flag.
The VeloDrone: Hey Jean Paul! How about you go to the back and pick us up some drinks and snacks?
Le Bon David: Oh, yes please!
Jean Paul Sartre: Why me?
The VeloDrone: That's a funny attitude for an existentialist!
Jean Paul Sartre: I am what I am.
The VeloDrone (mimicking): I yam what I yam.
Le Bon David: Hee hee! Popeye the Sailorman ! Off you go, and bring us back some spinach!
Jean Paul Sartre ( huffily): I'm going, but I may be quite some time.
(He drops back).
The VeloDrone: I am what I am indeed! I can't help thinking he's grown a little lazy.
Le Bon David: Bone lazy. But, as he would say, " Existence precedes essence".
The VeloDrone: And what would he mean by that?
Le Bon David: Yes, interesting. What would he mean by that? Perhaps he would mean that once, he wasn't lazy. Then gradually, he became a person who was, in essence, lazy.
The VeloDrone: As opposed to what?
Le Bon David: Being born lazy I suppose. And staying lazy.
The VeloDrone: No, no. I thought existentialism was all about choosing your course in life, being the master of your own destiny, and so on.
Le Bon David: Yes it is, but not if you choose to be lazy.
(They hear the sound of puffing, and smell the unmistakeable smell of spinach).
The VeloDrone: Good heavens! He's back already!
Le Bon David: Jean Paul! Good man! You're a life saver!
The VeloDrone: Hey Jean Paul! How about you go to the back and pick us up some drinks and snacks?
Le Bon David: Oh, yes please!
Jean Paul Sartre: Why me?
The VeloDrone: That's a funny attitude for an existentialist!
Jean Paul Sartre: I am what I am.
The VeloDrone (mimicking): I yam what I yam.
Le Bon David: Hee hee! Popeye the Sailorman ! Off you go, and bring us back some spinach!
Jean Paul Sartre ( huffily): I'm going, but I may be quite some time.
(He drops back).
The VeloDrone: I am what I am indeed! I can't help thinking he's grown a little lazy.
Le Bon David: Bone lazy. But, as he would say, " Existence precedes essence".
The VeloDrone: And what would he mean by that?
Le Bon David: Yes, interesting. What would he mean by that? Perhaps he would mean that once, he wasn't lazy. Then gradually, he became a person who was, in essence, lazy.
The VeloDrone: As opposed to what?
Le Bon David: Being born lazy I suppose. And staying lazy.
The VeloDrone: No, no. I thought existentialism was all about choosing your course in life, being the master of your own destiny, and so on.
Le Bon David: Yes it is, but not if you choose to be lazy.
(They hear the sound of puffing, and smell the unmistakeable smell of spinach).
The VeloDrone: Good heavens! He's back already!
Le Bon David: Jean Paul! Good man! You're a life saver!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Castor
Simone de Beauvoir and Belle et Bonne are riding together at a leisurely pace behind the main peloton in Stage Five of the Tour De France. Since yesterday they have become the best of friends.
Belle et Bonne: Isn't it funny how their heads are at different heights and yet their bottoms are all on the same level!
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes, is is amusing. The reason is that the handlebars are all on the same level. Have you ever watched the Tour de France from the front?
Belle et Bonne: Yes, I like to watch the handlebars approaching. It's good to know that everyone is equal.
Simone de Beauvoir: And yet some of them have much longer legs than others. Take mon petit homme Jean Paul. He's only five feet tall you know. It is difficult for him.
Belle et Bonne: Oh, but he has a giant intellect of course.
Simone de Beauvoir: That does not help much on a bicycle.
Belle et Bonne: Simone, may I ask you something?
Simone de Beauvoir: Fire away!
Belle et Bonne: Well....I'm a modern girl, but I would never let my partner call me Beaver.
Simone de Beauvoir: Why? It's just a nickname, which I got for working hard. In fact it is a double joke, because in French he calls me Castor, which is the same as Beaver in English. And then of course, Beaver sounds like Beauvoir. It is quite clever, no?
Belle et Bonne: But Simone, do you not know that Beaver has a ribald meaning these days? It is used quite frequently in low class American films.
Simone de Beauvoir: No? Oh no ! I can guess! Oh! That is too funny! I cannot wait to tell it to mon petit Jean Paul!
Belle et Bonne: Isn't it funny how their heads are at different heights and yet their bottoms are all on the same level!
Simone de Beauvoir: Yes, is is amusing. The reason is that the handlebars are all on the same level. Have you ever watched the Tour de France from the front?
Belle et Bonne: Yes, I like to watch the handlebars approaching. It's good to know that everyone is equal.
Simone de Beauvoir: And yet some of them have much longer legs than others. Take mon petit homme Jean Paul. He's only five feet tall you know. It is difficult for him.
Belle et Bonne: Oh, but he has a giant intellect of course.
Simone de Beauvoir: That does not help much on a bicycle.
Belle et Bonne: Simone, may I ask you something?
Simone de Beauvoir: Fire away!
Belle et Bonne: Well....I'm a modern girl, but I would never let my partner call me Beaver.
Simone de Beauvoir: Why? It's just a nickname, which I got for working hard. In fact it is a double joke, because in French he calls me Castor, which is the same as Beaver in English. And then of course, Beaver sounds like Beauvoir. It is quite clever, no?
Belle et Bonne: But Simone, do you not know that Beaver has a ribald meaning these days? It is used quite frequently in low class American films.
Simone de Beauvoir: No? Oh no ! I can guess! Oh! That is too funny! I cannot wait to tell it to mon petit Jean Paul!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Beaver
Belle et Bonne arrived in Cambrai very early in the morning. She burst into the hotel room where The VeloDrone, Le Bon David, Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir were finishing their breakfast.
What's that horrible smell? she demanded.
Hello my dear, said The VeloDrone. How lovely to see you. Let me introduce you to Simone de Beauvoir. She has been looking after us splendidly.
Hello, said Belle et Bonne, in the direction of Simone De Beauvoir. Nice to meet you.
She sniffed pointedly. Whatever is it, that smell?
Hello, Belle et Bonne, smiled Simone de Beauvoir. Yes, it is a horrid smell, is it not? I have been treating the bruises of your papa, and David and mon petit Jean Paul, with this Chinese medicine which I myself use for everything including headaches and sore throats.
Uggh! said Belle et Bonne. All three of them smell disgusting.
Never mind, dear Belle et Bonne, said Le Bon David. We shall no doubt be riding in our usual position at the back of the peloton.
Oh, hello Uncle David! said Belle et Bonne. How are you feeling today?
Uncle David! exclaimed Jean Paul Sartre, staring at Le Bon David. Why does she call you Uncle David?
Never mind, said Le Bon David. It's a long story. I'm not really her uncle, he added hastily.
No, he isn't, said Belle et Bonne. I've sworn to call him Uncle David until he learns to respect the intelligence of women.
Simone de Beauvoir looked up from her pot of Chinese embrocation.
He does not respect the intelligence of women?
Of course I do, blustered Le Bon David. It's just a little joke between us.
Aha! I see. said Simone de Beauvoir. Just as I call Jean Paul mon petit homme, and he calls me the Beaver.
What's that horrible smell? she demanded.
Hello my dear, said The VeloDrone. How lovely to see you. Let me introduce you to Simone de Beauvoir. She has been looking after us splendidly.
Hello, said Belle et Bonne, in the direction of Simone De Beauvoir. Nice to meet you.
She sniffed pointedly. Whatever is it, that smell?
Hello, Belle et Bonne, smiled Simone de Beauvoir. Yes, it is a horrid smell, is it not? I have been treating the bruises of your papa, and David and mon petit Jean Paul, with this Chinese medicine which I myself use for everything including headaches and sore throats.
Uggh! said Belle et Bonne. All three of them smell disgusting.
Never mind, dear Belle et Bonne, said Le Bon David. We shall no doubt be riding in our usual position at the back of the peloton.
Oh, hello Uncle David! said Belle et Bonne. How are you feeling today?
Uncle David! exclaimed Jean Paul Sartre, staring at Le Bon David. Why does she call you Uncle David?
Never mind, said Le Bon David. It's a long story. I'm not really her uncle, he added hastily.
No, he isn't, said Belle et Bonne. I've sworn to call him Uncle David until he learns to respect the intelligence of women.
Simone de Beauvoir looked up from her pot of Chinese embrocation.
He does not respect the intelligence of women?
Of course I do, blustered Le Bon David. It's just a little joke between us.
Aha! I see. said Simone de Beauvoir. Just as I call Jean Paul mon petit homme, and he calls me the Beaver.
Affection
All is chaos in the Velosophy office. Belle et Bonne is Skyping with The VeloDrone, who is in Brussels.
Belle et Bonne: O papa! Did you hurt yourself? Let me see your bruises!
The VeloDrone: Calm yourself, my dear, I am perfectly alright. They are very small bruises. But David came a nasty cropper on the cobblestones. He's going to have to spend the day in bed.
Belle et Bonne: I knew I shouldn't have let you go! You're both too old to be riding in the Tour De France!
The VeloDrone: Nonsense my pet! It takes more than a catastrophic pile-up to get the better of Team Philosophe ! Now tell me, how are things going in the office ? Have you and Madam Denis found more lady philosophers?
Belle et Bonne: Oh yes, papa. Marie has made a list. Let me see, we have Hypatia of Alexandria, Teresa of Avila, Hildegard of Bingen, Mary Wollestonecroft, Margaret Cavendish, George Eliot, Ayn Rand, Simone de Beauvoir......
The VeloDrone: Did you say Simone de Beauvoir?
Belle et Bonne: Yes, papa.
The VeloDrone: What a coincidence! I saw her just this morning. She's here with Jean Paul Sartre, who is riding with our team. Or should I say, he was....
Belle et Bonne: Did he come a cropper as well?
The VeloDrone: Unfortunately, yes.
Belle et Bonne: And is Simone de Beauvoir looking after him?
The VeloDrone: Yes dear. She's being very kind to David too. And me.
Belle et Bonne: Well Papa, I have just decided something.
The VeloDrone: What's that?
Belle et Bonne: I'm coming over.
Belle et Bonne: O papa! Did you hurt yourself? Let me see your bruises!
The VeloDrone: Calm yourself, my dear, I am perfectly alright. They are very small bruises. But David came a nasty cropper on the cobblestones. He's going to have to spend the day in bed.
Belle et Bonne: I knew I shouldn't have let you go! You're both too old to be riding in the Tour De France!
The VeloDrone: Nonsense my pet! It takes more than a catastrophic pile-up to get the better of Team Philosophe ! Now tell me, how are things going in the office ? Have you and Madam Denis found more lady philosophers?
Belle et Bonne: Oh yes, papa. Marie has made a list. Let me see, we have Hypatia of Alexandria, Teresa of Avila, Hildegard of Bingen, Mary Wollestonecroft, Margaret Cavendish, George Eliot, Ayn Rand, Simone de Beauvoir......
The VeloDrone: Did you say Simone de Beauvoir?
Belle et Bonne: Yes, papa.
The VeloDrone: What a coincidence! I saw her just this morning. She's here with Jean Paul Sartre, who is riding with our team. Or should I say, he was....
Belle et Bonne: Did he come a cropper as well?
The VeloDrone: Unfortunately, yes.
Belle et Bonne: And is Simone de Beauvoir looking after him?
The VeloDrone: Yes dear. She's being very kind to David too. And me.
Belle et Bonne: Well Papa, I have just decided something.
The VeloDrone: What's that?
Belle et Bonne: I'm coming over.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Dull Story
And did they drown? asked Pliny the Elder, interestedly.
Did who drown? I asked.
The old woman and the old man, said Pliny.
Why should they drown? I asked.
You wrote: An old woman and an old man with a walking stick walked off the jetty arm in arm, said Pliny. I assumed they were ending it all.
No Pliny! They weren't walking off the end of the jetty. They'd been out on the jetty, and were returning. Very slowly. They got to the place where the jetty begins. They stopped and looked both ways. Then they walked off the jetty.
Humph! snorted Pliny. You made that very unclear yesterday. I was full of admiration for the old couple when I thought they had decided to end it all, while they still both had the wherewithal.
Pliny! That may have seemed admirable to you Romans, but it is not admirable these days. That would have been a shocking occurrence.
Yes, said Pliny, pityingly. I suppose it would. So what did the old couple do then?
They shuffled slowly across the path in front of the kiosk and stopped directly opposite the door. They conferred for a minute or two. Then they went inside.
Did they come out again?
No, not that I saw.
What a dull story, said Pliny.
Did who drown? I asked.
The old woman and the old man, said Pliny.
Why should they drown? I asked.
You wrote: An old woman and an old man with a walking stick walked off the jetty arm in arm, said Pliny. I assumed they were ending it all.
No Pliny! They weren't walking off the end of the jetty. They'd been out on the jetty, and were returning. Very slowly. They got to the place where the jetty begins. They stopped and looked both ways. Then they walked off the jetty.
Humph! snorted Pliny. You made that very unclear yesterday. I was full of admiration for the old couple when I thought they had decided to end it all, while they still both had the wherewithal.
Pliny! That may have seemed admirable to you Romans, but it is not admirable these days. That would have been a shocking occurrence.
Yes, said Pliny, pityingly. I suppose it would. So what did the old couple do then?
They shuffled slowly across the path in front of the kiosk and stopped directly opposite the door. They conferred for a minute or two. Then they went inside.
Did they come out again?
No, not that I saw.
What a dull story, said Pliny.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Ending Up With Six
Because it is now only warm in the middle of the day we went out in the middle of the day.
We took a picnic.
The picnic was egg and cucumber sandwiches. A seagull came to watch us eat the sandwiches. Yes, we were at the beach. We were the only people who didn't have a dog.
I had brought my camera. Everywhere there were beautiful scenes. Yachts with coloured sails crowded the horizon, and painted clouds reflected tranquilly in the water pools. Stacks of seaweed mouldered in the sun. A razor shell stood up of its own accord.
Outside the kiosk a redhaired cherub ran away from her brother and hid. An old woman and an old man with a walking stick walked slowly off the jetty arm in arm. A fat lady carried a loaded tray inside. The sun glared lowly.
I took sixteen photographs.
When I got home I was unhappy twice. First because I somehow lost the photographs. Then Allan found them. But second because the beautiful scenes had retreated and diminished, and I ended up with six.
We took a picnic.
The picnic was egg and cucumber sandwiches. A seagull came to watch us eat the sandwiches. Yes, we were at the beach. We were the only people who didn't have a dog.
I had brought my camera. Everywhere there were beautiful scenes. Yachts with coloured sails crowded the horizon, and painted clouds reflected tranquilly in the water pools. Stacks of seaweed mouldered in the sun. A razor shell stood up of its own accord.
Outside the kiosk a redhaired cherub ran away from her brother and hid. An old woman and an old man with a walking stick walked slowly off the jetty arm in arm. A fat lady carried a loaded tray inside. The sun glared lowly.
I took sixteen photographs.
When I got home I was unhappy twice. First because I somehow lost the photographs. Then Allan found them. But second because the beautiful scenes had retreated and diminished, and I ended up with six.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Heartless
Yes, the Indignant Liberal Pineapple looks like a slug. Whoever heard of a pineapple that can't stand up? It's just lying there on the kitchen bench, yellow, or sickly bronze. It probably isn't even indignant, if the truth be known.
As for the other pineapple, my beloved Intellectual, he is down to 6 bite-sized pieces, in the fridge. It seems heartless to eat a pineapple that has read Victor Hugo, but, what can you do?
At least I have now written a funny poem about him for Colin's birthday card. Is it really funny? I don't know. Would it be wrong of me to show it to you, before Colin sees it? I don't know. So I will. Don't laugh. I mean, no, you may laugh.
Thoughts of an Intellectual Pineapple.
I never thought before being et
That I the chance would ever get
To read a book with glasses on
Although of eyes I have not one.
This just shows one never knows.
That's it. I hope I have succeeded in imagining the syntax of a pineapple. I hope have not been patronising, but have given him the dignity that he deserves. None of what happened to him since the day he entered my life has been his fault.
As for the other pineapple, my beloved Intellectual, he is down to 6 bite-sized pieces, in the fridge. It seems heartless to eat a pineapple that has read Victor Hugo, but, what can you do?
At least I have now written a funny poem about him for Colin's birthday card. Is it really funny? I don't know. Would it be wrong of me to show it to you, before Colin sees it? I don't know. So I will. Don't laugh. I mean, no, you may laugh.
Thoughts of an Intellectual Pineapple.
I never thought before being et
That I the chance would ever get
To read a book with glasses on
Although of eyes I have not one.
This just shows one never knows.
That's it. I hope I have succeeded in imagining the syntax of a pineapple. I hope have not been patronising, but have given him the dignity that he deserves. None of what happened to him since the day he entered my life has been his fault.
Essences
What is the essence of a photograph? What it is? Or what it is of?
Pineapple essence: I made a copy of the photograph of the Intellectual Pineapple wearing glasses and reading The Toilers of the Sea. I wanted to make a funny birthday card for Colin. I had to load it on to a memory stick and walk to Officeworks and get it printed out. I was glad the girl who printed it didn't see what it was. Next I took it home and stuck it on a card. Then I had to think of something to say to make it funny. And I couldn't. Because Colin may not have read The Toilers of the Sea.
Baby essence: Claire asked me to send her some photos of Chris as a baby. I guess she wanted to see if he looked like Ben. Or if Ben looked like him, since Chris came first. I found the old photo album and picked out three black and white ones. In two of them I was holding Chris and in the third one Allan was. We looked so young I fell in love with us.
More pineapple essence: This week's pineapple from the Central Market wouldn't stand up. It had no firm basis to stand on. I was trying to think of a personality for it, for the photograph. I decided it looked like a voter. So I placed it next to the front page of the Independent Weekly, as though it were looking at the headline, "What Did He Know and When Did He Know It?" which refers to the Treasurer Kevin Foley. The pineapple looked smugly indignant. I called the pineapple Indignant Liberal Pineapple, and loaded it on to my Facebook. I fear the pineapple now, for we are yet to eat it.
Pineapple essence: I made a copy of the photograph of the Intellectual Pineapple wearing glasses and reading The Toilers of the Sea. I wanted to make a funny birthday card for Colin. I had to load it on to a memory stick and walk to Officeworks and get it printed out. I was glad the girl who printed it didn't see what it was. Next I took it home and stuck it on a card. Then I had to think of something to say to make it funny. And I couldn't. Because Colin may not have read The Toilers of the Sea.
Baby essence: Claire asked me to send her some photos of Chris as a baby. I guess she wanted to see if he looked like Ben. Or if Ben looked like him, since Chris came first. I found the old photo album and picked out three black and white ones. In two of them I was holding Chris and in the third one Allan was. We looked so young I fell in love with us.
More pineapple essence: This week's pineapple from the Central Market wouldn't stand up. It had no firm basis to stand on. I was trying to think of a personality for it, for the photograph. I decided it looked like a voter. So I placed it next to the front page of the Independent Weekly, as though it were looking at the headline, "What Did He Know and When Did He Know It?" which refers to the Treasurer Kevin Foley. The pineapple looked smugly indignant. I called the pineapple Indignant Liberal Pineapple, and loaded it on to my Facebook. I fear the pineapple now, for we are yet to eat it.
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