David and Margaret

Le Bon David was annoyed. What was Belle et Bonne thinking of? And who was going to write the review, him or Margaret?

They met at the Excess tent. Margaret was wearing long shorts and a tee shirt covered in badges.

Hello Margaret. You look colourful, said David.

Thank you David, said Margaret. These are my badges.

Very nice, said David, wishing he had worn badges as well.

They stood in the queue alongside the tent. It was humid and muggy, and just getting dark. Mosquitoes were hovering hopefully.

Half an hour later the queue began to move.

The show was called Doc Faustus. It was a parody mashup of Goethe's Faust set in the American Wild West. David laughed a lot. Margaret hardly laughed at all.

It was over. The audience poured out of the tent.

David bought drinks and Margaret found two empty beanbags under a dimly lit tree.

That was hilarious! said David. What did you think?

Hilarious! Hardly, said Margaret. It was not intellectual. I was expecting something quite different. And I was surprised at YOU! I can't believe you laughed when the man in the stars and stripes g-string made love to the cardboard John Wayne. And as for the racist jokes....

You have no sense of humour, said David. They were funny.

No they weren't, said Margaret. They were juvenile.

Then we disagree, said David. We can hardly collaborate on a review.

Nothing is Free

The weekend at Goolwa was finally over. Gaius went home to consult Every Australian Bird Illustrated.

Margaret went back to the Velosophy office with the others. Why not? Perhaps she could be of some use.

Well, well, said The Velodrone, entering the office. Back to work. If there is any work to do.

Belle et Bonne checked the emails.

Oh! she said, does anyone want free Fringe tickets?

Free? said Le Bon David. Nothing is free. What do we have to do?

Just write some reviews, said Belle et Bonne. You've done it before.

I'll go with you, said Margaret. I'm interested in the arts, and I'm good at writing reviews.

Sorry, Margaret, said Belle et Bonne. There's only one free ticket for each show. But you can have this one. I'm sure no one else will want it.

What is it? asked Margaret.

Doc Faustus, said Belle et Bonne.

I'll have it, said Margaret. It sounds quite intellectual.

Yes it does, Belle et Bonne, said Le Bon David. Why are you giving it to Margaret?

Do you want to go, Uncle David? asked Belle et Bonne. I could get you another ticket. They're only five dollars on opening night. You and Margaret could go together. That would be nice.

Oh, hum... no..... I mean yes, I suppose it would, except that ....said Le Bon David.

Is that an invitation? asked Margaret, coyly.

It certainly sounds like one, said The VeloDrone.

Done, said Belle et Bonne, printing out the receipt for the ticket. Pick it up at the door. Have a good time, you two.

Oh, said Margaret. You people are such fun to be with!

Aren't we, said Belle et Bonne, smiling sweetly at David.

Do We Look For Purpose or For Reason?

They arrive at Goolwa Beach. The carpark is full of horses, horse floats and riders, packing up to leave.

There are no horses on the beach. Only a few dog walkers and their dogs.

The tide is out and the sand is hard and flat. Waves crash inconsequentially. There is a soft cool breeze.

The VeloDrone is in a philosophical mood.

You see these empty cockle shells? says The VeloDrone.

I see them, says Le Bon David. They seem to be everywhere and lying higgledy-piggledy.

Higgledy-piggledy, says The VeloDrone. Yes. And all of them are joined together in pairs. But notice how some of them are lying open this way, and others are lying open that way.

Which way? asks Gaius.

Some are wide open and therefore diametrically opposed, says The Velodrone, and others are lying on top of one another and obliquely opposed.

So they are, says Le Bon David. I wonder what that means?

What it means! says Gaius. Perhaps you should ask an oracle. Perhaps it augurs something evil.

Nonsense, says David. It's just a random thing

Yes, but is it? asks The VeloDrone. It may indeed mean something. It depends, I think , on what you mean when you ask what something means.

Just what I think myself, says David, warming to the subject. What do we mean by meaning? Do we look for purpose, or for reason?

Suddenly a pit bull terrier breaks loose from its group of minders and comes charging up the beach towards the friends.

Look out papa! cries Belle et Bonne from several metres away.

Don't worry! He's friendly! shouts the owner of the dog.

Last Things

Had they really seen a panda watching tv in a riverfront house in Goolwa?

Let's go back and see.

Yes there is the panda sitting comfortably in an armchair in front of the flickering screen. He seems to be alone in the house. Or maybe the owners have all gone to bed.

Come up to the window. What's he watching? It looks like the ABC news.

The panda looks sad momentarily. Whitney Houston has just died.

......

Back at the motel, Gaius has finished off the wine.

How lucky, says Belle et Bonne. Imagine if we'd bought the stoppers.

You are a sweetie, says Margaret. I am not so inclined to look on the bright side. Gaius is tipsy and we have walked a long long way for nothing.

They all repair to bed.

......

Next morning they are woken up again by screeching birds outside their window. They eat their breakfast. It is something that Marie has bought called Uncle Toby's PLUS.

This is not too bad, says The VeloDrone.

If you like cardboard, says Margaret. Does anyone want mine?

Give it to me, says Gaius. And he tips some into his pocket.

.....

It's checkout time. Gaius goes over to Mrs Roth's memorial prison bird cage to say goodbye to Major White.

Here, Major White, said Gaius. Have some PLUS.

He pokes a few flakes through the netting.

Major White has no time for PLUS. He jabs his beak nastily into Gaius's thumb.

Ungrateful parrot! says Gaius.

Waaarrr! says Major White.

.........

Come on Gaius! calls Margaret. We're all going to have a last walk on Goolwa Beach before we drive home.

Gaius walks to the car, dripping blood.

And Not In Another Place

Gaius opted out of the walk into Goolwa. He wanted to decipher his notes.

The others put on their jackets and set off towards the river path. It was dark and a strong wind was blowing.

It's a long way to Goolwa from here, said Le Bon David. Maybe we should have gone in the car.

Nonsense, said Marie. It will do us good to walk.

Yes it will do us good, said The VeloDrone. Oh, I love the night sky! The stars! The river. The twinkling lights. Boats, masts, the clinking of halyards, jetties with little lights and signs that say keep off. Delightful. Happiness is in this place.

Then why are we going to another place? said Le Bon David.

You are missing the point, said The VeloDrone.

Which is? said Le Bon David.

Happiness is in the place where you are, explained The VeloDrone. If you're moving, it comes along with you.

Only if you're happy in the first place said David. In which case, why move?

Pooh! said The VeloDrone.

You are in a good mood papa, said Belle et Bonne.

I am, said the VeloDrone. And look over there! You can see into some of the houses.

Belle et Bonne had already been looking. Not many people had curtains. In one house she saw a black and white furry panda sitting in an armchair watching tv.

Some people! sniffed Margaret. You'd think they'd have curtains.

It's a panda, said Belle et Bonne.

So it is! said Margaret, surprised.

An hour later they arrived at the Goolwa Hotel. They went into the Bottle Shop.

Do you have any of those stopper things for sparkling wine bottles? asked Marie.

No, said the man. Sorry.

Oh well, thanks anyway, said Marie.

So they had to walk back empty-handed.

Happiness Is In This Place

It was getting dark. They had eaten all the cold chicken and drunk a lot of sparkling wine. Several bottles had been opened, and remained unfinished.

Who's for some more? said The VeloDrone, waving his empty glass.

Not you, papa, said Belle et Bonne. Or you'll be sorry in the morning.

Who cares about the morning? said The Velodrone. Do you know what I saw in a shop window the other day?

What? said Belle et Bonne.

I saw a sign that said 'Happiness is in this place, not in another place', and I thought, yes, that means something profound, that does.

What did you think it meant, old chap? asked Le Bon David.

It meant, said The VeloDrone, that you should live for the present, and not ...and not...

Where did you say this sign was? asked Marie. In a shop window?

It was a sportswear shop, said The VeloDrone. ' Happinesss is in this place and not in another place' ...et cetera... there was another line, but I was walking too fast to read it. I was late.

Ha ha! laughed Margaret. Happiness must have been in the place that you were going to.

Hee hee! laughed The VeloDrone.

Come on everyone said Marie firmly. We're going for a walk.

In the dark? said Le Bon David.

Yes, said Marie. We'll walk in to Goolwa. Perhaps we'll find somewhere open where we can buy stoppers for these bottles. Then we can drink the rest tomorrow.

What a good idea, said Belle et Bonne. Rug up everyone. Let's go. I love night walking. You can sometimes see through other people's windows.

How Things Look

They had stopped at Middleton on the way back from Basham's Beach, and were sitting in the car in the carpark overlooking the beach. It was windy. Down on the sand children flew kites, while young men paddled their surfboards out through the crashing surf.

See down there! said Marie. That looks like Sweezus!

Yes! said Belle et Bonne. And Surfing-With-Whales!

But I don't think it is, said Marie. Lots of guys look like them.

Not all, said The Velodrone. See that chap over there.

He pointed to a man in his sixties who was standing by the low stone wall looking down at the scene on the beach.

That shirt, said The VeloDrone. With the stripes, and the collar. Ha ha! So old mannish.

It's a polo shirt, said Margaret. What's old mannish about it?

It just is, said The VeloDrone. Catch me wearing one.

Papa you've got one just like that, said Belle et Bonne.

I'm sure I haven't, said The Velodrone.

Yes you have, said Le Bon David. So have I.

.....

What's for dinner? asked The Velodrone, when they got back to the Riverport Motel.

Cold chicken, remember? said Marie. The motel restaurant's closed on Sunday night.

Cold chicken, said the VeloDrone. Will there be any wine?

Oh yes, we have sparkling wine, said Marie.

It wasn't long before Gaius came in.

Ahh, he said. What a wonderful afternoon. I love watching birds.

Hmmmph! said Margaret.

Bet you missed your notebook, said Le Bon David. You could have used it for .....notes.

Didn't need it said Gaius. I wrote notes on my hand. And made sketches.

Let's see, said Margaret, grabbing his hand. Oh there's a Great Crested Grebe, and a White Faced Ibis, and a Whistling Kite.

Sorry, wrong hand, said Gaius. Must wash this one.

Margaret let go.

Hard to Get

Margaret read the notebook in silence and then turned and walked back towards the girls.

What's wrong Margaret? asked Belle et Bonne. You look sad.

Sad, said Margaret. I suppose I am. I thought Gaius had a better opinion of me.

Better than what? asked Marie.

He thinks that if he waits long enough I'll go away, said Margaret. That's so insulting. I've half a mind to drop him.

Oh, don't do that, said Belle et Bonne. You make such a lovely couple.

Yes, you do, said Marie. You both love natural history.

It's just......I feel I'm not making any headway, said Margaret. I don't know what to do.

Let him have some space, said Marie. It's good that he's on his own this afternoon. I bet he's missing you already.

Do you think so? said Margaret. Yes, perhaps I should play hard to get.

Belle et Bonne looked quickly at Marie.

I wouldn't go that far, said Marie.

No, not that far, said Belle et Bonne.

A Halo Effect

Hee hee! laughed The Velodrone. Good old Gaius. This is very funny.

I thought you'd like it, said Le Bon David. But I bet Margaret won't.

As luck would have it Margaret came over, with a handful of interesting sea sponges.

Look at these, she said. All different colours. Aren't they glorious!

Very nice, said The VeloDrone. But may I ask why you used the word glorious? They are not glorious. Do they exhibit a halo effect, for instance? No, they don't.

What's wrong with you? said Margaret. I thought I heard you both laughing just a minute ago.

We were laughing, said Le Bon David. We were in a philosophical mood.

And you were laughing? said Margaret, disbelievingly. What philosophical thought could possibly have made you laugh?

We were wondering, said The Velodrone, thinking fast, whether if one waited long enough annoyances would disappear.

Is that philosophy? asked Margaret suspiciously. It sounds more like something Gaius might come out with.

Margaret, said Le Bon David, you appear to have rumbled us.

Rumbled you? said Margaret. What do you mean? And what's that you've got there? Oh, it's Gaius's notebook! Have you read our article?

You helped him write it? asked The VeloDrone, impressed.

Rather more than that, said Margaret, but I don't like to blow my own trumpet.

Well, I never, said Le Bon David. I thought he'd written it all himself. I must say you are quite a woman, Margaret.

Margaret turned pinker than the most glorious of her sponges.

Why, thank you David, she said. It's nice to be appreciated.

She stood up, and started walking back to join Marie and Belle et Bonne.

Now we're in a pickle, said Le Bon David. She doesn't know!

Margaret stopped suddenly, and came back.

May I see that notebook, David? she asked serenely.

Absolutely Glorious

Gaius had been sitting in the bird hide for several hours. He had seen a moorhen, and a pelican and a duck. This was disappointing. You could see moorhen and a pelican and a duck just about anywhere you went in Goolwa. But at least it didn't matter that he'd lost his notebook.

He wondered where it was. Oh yes. Le Bon David would still have it. That was alright. Unless Margaret saw it. By Jupiter! Wouldn't she be cross!

A bird he couldn't identify sauntered by.

Damn, said Gaius. I wish I had that notebook. But I've got a pen. I'll draw it on my hand.

........

Meanwhile the others were at Bashams' Beach, enjoying the afternoon. They were walking towards the rocky promontary at the western end. The sea was deepest blue and tea leaf black, with green strips further out. Two men with fishing rods stood at the water's edge. High heaps of seaweed lined the shore. The sand was soft and white.

The girls were looking for interesting stones and shells and corals.

The VeloDrone was in a philosophical mood.

I'm in a philosophical mood, he said to Le Bon David.

Ah, said Le Bon David. That's funny. So am I.

Let's sit down a while and contemplate the sea, said The VeloDrone.

They sat down near the sandhills, and stretched out their legs.

A middle aged woman in an orange shirt and beige shorts came by, with a small white dog on a lead.

Good afternoon, said Le Bon David. Lovely day.

Oh yes! said the woman ecstatically. It's absolutely GLORIOUS!

She continued on her way.

David, said The VeloDrone, do you think it's absolutely GLORIOUS?

Certainly not, said David. It's pleasant but it's not by any means GLORIOUS. That woman has ruined my day with an inappropriate and religious-sounding word.

And mine, said The Velodrone.

They both sighed.

Here, said Le Bon David. I just remembered something. This will cheer you up.

He drew Gaius's notebook from his pocket.

Seize the Moment

They stopped at the Marina. The VeloDrone and Le Bon David headed straight for a tap, to wash the sticky mud off their Crocs. Gaius decided he preferred his Crocs dun-coloured.

This is nice, said The VeloDrone, sitting down with the others at an outside table overlooking the Marina. Small boats moved in and out, their sails appearing and disappearing behind the trees.

They ordered coffee.

Should we order lunch as well? asked Le Bon David. I'm feeling peckish.

How can you feel peckish after all you ate last night? said Marie.

I was only making sure I got my money's worth, said Le Bon David. I agree I could have done without that large bowl of icecream and caramel sauce. But that was last night. I'm peckish now.

I thought we'd have a light lunch back at the motel, said Marie. I've bought some wholemeal rolls and tomatoes, and some cheese.

Tomatoes! said Gaius, seizing the moment. Count me out. You can drop me off in Goolwa on your way. No need for you to come with me Margaret, he added, I know you love tomatoes.

Let her get out of that.

....

And so it was that later in the afternoon, Gaius, having eaten a delicious Cornish pasty from the Goolwa Bakery, made his way along the river path towards the barrages, in search of the bird hide, on his own, and wearing relatively unobtrusive shoes.

It was perfect.

He passed wooden jetties and pontoons, tiny inlets in the reeds, a stony carpark. He passed the Aquacaf, where people sat outside at rough tables laughing, eating fish and chips. He passed a long row of two-storied wide-balconied holiday houses which looked empty. He passed the public toilets, decorated with ornate blue and turquoise mosaic wave designs. Margaret would have liked those toilets. She was into toilet art. He saw the stone memorial to Mrs Lush, an aboriginal woman who had lived on that spot for forty years. He tried to imagine Mrs Lush.

At last he saw the bird hide. It was a small grey wooden structure at the end of a board walk amongst the lightly rustling reeds. He made his way inside and sat down on the wooden bench against the wall. There was a viewing window on the opposite side. He felt in his pocket for his notebook. Damn! Where was it?

A moorhen paddled by.

A Peculiar Colour

Next morning, everyone was grumpy. Le Bon David and The Velodrone accused one another of snoring and hogging the bed. Gaius's single mattress had mysteriously moved off its base. As for Marie, Belle et Bonne and Margaret, they had not appreciated being woken at dawn by screeching birds.

Someone was feeding them! said Marie. Who would do that at this hour?

But nobody knew.

Well, said The VeloDrone, what are we doing today?

I thought we might go to the Island, said Marie. We could visit the Mouth.

Oh yes, said Belle et Bonne. The Coorong. It's so lovely there. The sandhills, the river, the waves crashing in the distance, and the people fishing and the four wheel drive vehicles and boats....

...and the dead crabs, said Le Bon David, remembering something he'd heard. I shall wear my new Crocs.

Me too, said The VeloDrone.

And I shall wear mine, said Gaius, pulling them on.

They had all three bought Crocs yesterday, and all chosen Lime Green.

You do all look funny, said Belle et Bonne, but I suppose they are sensible shoes.

Very sensible, said The Velodrone. I couldn't resist. They are lightweight, water friendly, easy draining and odour resistant. Perfect for the beach.

And easy to see, added Mararet. At least we won't lose you.

She looked pointedly at Gaius, who began to regret his own choice of Lime Green.

Let's go, said Marie.

.......

Half an hour later they stopped at the carpark near the sandhill trail to the Coorong National Park and Murray Mouth. Five minutes later they were all on the beach, admiring the view.

The sand looked a peculiar colour.

What's happened to the sand? asked The Velodrone.

It's muddy, said Le Bon David. See how it's stuck to my Crocs.

I don't like it, said The VeloDrone. It's stuck to my Crocs as well.

It's not usually like this, said Belle et Bonne. It's usually normal sand. It seems to be mixed up with clay.

Well, I won't walk any further, said The VeloDrone. It's ruining my Crocs. I'll sit down over there.

We'll leave if you don't like it papa, said Belle et Bonne. We'll go to the Marina instead. We can have a drink there.

Oh good, said Le Bon David. Let's do that.

For heaven's sake, said Margaret. This is the wonderful Coorong. And you fuss about shoes! My Gaius isn't worried, are you Gaius?

Gaius was thunderstruck. My Gaius? Was that what the woman had said?

The Need for Crocs

Gaius and Le Bon David joined Margaret on the wooden seat, at the edge of the wharf. Yachts sped past with sails flapping, changing tack, and nearly colliding. Hindmarsh Island turned a hazy shade of yellow. A car crossed over the bridge.

Where are the others? asked Le Bon David.

They've gone to the shops, said Margaret.

I need to go to the shops, said Le Bon David. I want to buy some Crocs.

Crocs! said Margaret, approvingly. Crocs are good for wearing on holidays. Let's all go to the shops.

Not me, said Gaius. I find shopping unnatural.

Oh, said Margaret. Do you? What would you like to do?

A spot of bird-watching, said Gaius. I hear there's a bird hide round here.

I know where it is, said Margaret. It's down that way, towards the Barrages. I'll show you. David can go to the shops.

Gaius had envisaged a different scenario. He wanted to find the bird hide on his own and sit in it, quietly observing the various birds that flew, floated and nested nearby. He would make his own notes and identify them later. But if Margaret came, she would be sure to know every damn bird! By Jupiter! She wasn't going to spoil his bird-watching!

On second thoughts, I will go to the shops, he said. I need some Crocs.

A Footnote

Gaius and Le Bon David were halfway to Goolwa. They walked along the river path beside the dilapidated wooden jetties and the empty houseboats. The river was a bilious shade of green and the wind whipped up small spitting waves.

I must buy myself some new shoes, said Le Bon David. My feet are hurting. It's a long walk into Goolwa. Your shoes look comfortable.

Mmm, said Gaius, who was thinking about biscuits, and birds.

Yes, continued Le Bon David. I'm thinking of getting some Crocs.

Crocs? said Gaius. There are crocodiles here?

No, no! said Le Bon David. Crocs are shoes. But you weren't to know. I suppose you're more interested in wildlife than I am.

I am, agreed Gaius. Birds, worms, anything of a natural description. By the way, I've finished my article for Velosophy.

Oh jolly good! said Le Bon David. Have you given it to Marie?

Not yet, said Gaius. Would you like to have a look at it first and tell me what you think?

He took the notebook out of his pocket and handed it to Le Bon David.

Le Bon David skimmed through the notes of A Bicyclists Guide.

Pheww! he whistled, when he'd finished. This is awfully good. Has Margaret read it?

No, said Gaius, although she did help me with the title.

She may have a few words to say, said Le Bon David. She comes out of it rather badly. By the way, what was the interesting thing you learned about sandworms?

They have serrated jaws, said Gaius, made of sclerotised collagen.

Imagine! said Le Bon David. Well, I think you should put that in as a footnote.

If you think so, said Gaius. I will.

It will be somewhat comical, said Le Bon David.

Comical! Why? asked Gaius.

Information gained by foot, said Le Bon David. Margaret's foot. When she got bitten. A footnote.

Oh yes, said Gaius. I see.

On the Wing

It was late afternoon. The VeloDrone, Marie, Belle et Bonne and Margaret were sitting on a wooden seat at the edge of the Goolwa Wharf, gazing across the river towards Hindmarsh Island and the bridge.

We must go over there tomorrow, said Marie.

What is there to do? asked The VeloDrone.

Visit the marina, said Marie. You can sit outside the cafe and look back across to here.

What is the point of doing that? asked The VeloDrone. We know what it looks like here.

Papa! said Belle et Bonne. You are on holiday! You must relax and enjoy yourself and stop questioning everything.

It's very nice just sitting here, said the VeloDrone. Look! there goes a pelican! Where's my camera?

He pulled his camera out of its bag and pressed some buttons before pointing it towards the sky.

Drat! The bird has flown! he muttered.

Try and snap the ones in front of you, said Margaret. There are two perfectly nice pelicans floating on the water there.

Thank you, Margaret, said The VeloDrone. But I always like to catch them on the wing, if possible.

Belle et Bonne giggled.

Papa has lots of pictures of the sky, she said.

Intentionally, said The VeloDrone. It's an ever-changing subject.

Well, said Marie. I think I'll go and explore the town and the shops. Would anyone else like to come?

Me, said Belle et Bonne.

The VeloDrone looked at Margaret.

That sounds like a girls' thing, he said encouragingly.

Maybe, said Margaret. But I think I'll wait here for Gaius and David.

The Velodrone stood up.

Well, girls, he said, to the shops we go. Au revoir, Margaret! We shall see you at dinner.

Major White

Gaius was the first to finish unpacking. He'd only brought a spare pair of shoes. He went outside to have a look around.

It looked promising. There was grass, there were trees and a pond. There were heaps of dirt. There were birds flitting in and around the vines. What were they? Little brown ones. He would have to look them up.

He wandered around to the other side. He heard magpies, and something else. There was a cage over to the right, towards the caravan park. A cage with a cream painted wrought iron table and two ornate cream painted chairs set out in front. He went over to have a better look.

The cage was split into two parts. In one side was a discoloured sulphur crested cockatoo. A sign attached to the wire read: MY NAME IS MAJOR WHITE. DO NOT FEED ME I WILL BITE.

The other side was occupied by disconsolate honeyeaters. The sign on their side read: This bird cage was the kind gift of Mrs Emily Roth, in memory of her husband who loved the birdlife of this area.

Gaius sat down on one of the ornate chairs, and tried to imagine Mrs Roth.

A fussy outdoor furniture-loving busybody, who obviously did not care two hoots for birds.

He waggled a finger at Major White, who eyed him with disdain.

Would you like a biscuit? he asked Major White.

WAAARK! said Major White.

Gaius went back inside to get a biscuit from the tea-and-biscuits box.

Where have you been? asked Le Bon David. Everyone else has already gone into Goolwa.
Now you and I will have to walk.

Yes, yes, but first, where are those biscuits? asked Gaius, rummaging in the plastic box that contained the tea things.

Oh, Vello's taken them, said Le Bon David. Now hurry up, let's go.

They went out, locking the door behind them. As they passed the bird cage, Major White cast them a dirty look.

The Three Ronnies

After lunch they checked in at the Riverport Motel.

I see there are six of you, said the manager. I imagine you'll be needing an extra room?

Everyone looked at Gaius.

Gaius tried to look as though he was thinking about something else, such as the proximity or otherwise of birds.

Luckily he was saved by The VeloDrone.

Not at all, said The VeloDrone. We'll squeeze up. Boys in one room and girls in the other. I gather there will be enough beds?

There will, said the manager, not cracking a smile. Here are your keys. Here is your milk. Will you be eating tonight in the restaurant?

Certainly, said The VeloDrone. Since we have a voucher. Thank you, madam. We shall be dining at eight.

I'm sorry, said the manager. Dinner is at six or six thirty.

Oh, said The VeloDrone. Then let it be six thirty.

They went to their rooms.

Gaius was relieved. The men would be sleeping together. Thank goodness for that! The room contained a double bed and a single bed.

Hmm, said The VeloDrone. This is awkward.

Not at all, said Le Bon David. You and I will have the double and Gaius the single. It'll be like The Two Ronnies.

What? said The VeloDrone. How will it be like The Two Ronnies?

Didn't The Two Ronnies sleep in the same bed? said Le Bon David.

I don't think so, said The VeloDrone. That was Morecombe and Wise.

Well, then, said Le Bon David. There is a precedent.

Was there a third Ronnie? asked Gaius, entering into the spirit.

No, said The VeloDrone. Keep up, Gaius. It's like Morecombe and Wise.

So, am I a Ronnie? asked Gaius.

No, said The VeloDrone. You're a goose.

Some Kind of Trap

Gaius was on his way to Goolwa for the weekend, with The VeloDrone, Le Bon David, Marie, Belle et Bonne and Margaret. How had it come to this?

After the film at the Science Exchange, The VeloDrone had issued an invitation. It was his birthday, and they were all going to the Riverport Motel on a package, with dinner included. It was the girls' idea. Would Gaius and Margaret like to come? Of course Margaret would. Of course Gaius would not. But he had been too slow to come up with an excuse.

It was cold and rainy as they drove through the hills on Saturday morning.

Don't worry, said Belle et Bonne. It never rains at Goolwa. You'll see. The sun will shine and the clouds will disappear.

And she was right. The rain had stopped before they reached Goolwa. They stopped for lunch at a bakery.

They took their chunky beef pies and Cornish pasties to a wooden gazebo and ate them overlooking the wetlands. A black swan floated lazily on the water while two boys in cricket whites ran in and out of the trees, chasing one another.

What is there to do at Goolwa, Marie? asked The VeloDrone.

Oh lots, said Marie. There's the river, the island, and the sea.

Yes, said Belle et Bonne. There's walking, boating and surfing.

And the town, and the shops, said Margaret. And lots of lovely artworks. And the bridge, and the Murray Mouth.

Sounds marvellous, said Le Bon David.

Birds? asked Gaius. Are there birds?

Oh yes, said Marie. You'll love it, Gaius. There will be lots of birds at the Riverport Motel. It's well known for its birds. You and Margaret will wake up in the morning to the sounds of cockatoos, seagulls and ducks.

That did sound delightful.....but wait a minute! What did she mean 'you and Margaret'? What were the sleeping arrangements? Did they think he and Margaret.....? Had he fallen into some kind of trap?

Ian, Roma and Bob

Gaius was annoyed. He hadn't even wanted to go to the film. Who wanted to see cadavers being dissected?

And now he was not only obliged to go, but Margaret was coming as well.

At least one thing was certain. She wouldn't enjoy it.

Gaius arrived at the Science Exchange early and sat down at a table. The VeloDrone and Le Bon David came in, ordered a glass of wine each, and sat down.

Didn't expect to see you here, said The VeloDrone.

Didn't mean to come, said Gaius. Why are you two here? Planning to donate your bodies to science?

Perhaps, said Le Bon David. If we have nothing better to do.

Margaret arrived and sat down next to Gaius.

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David exchanged knowing looks.

The film began. It was about three people who had decided to donate their bodies to science, and the medical students who were going to dissect them.

The people who were going to be dissected were called Ian, Roma and Bob. They were matter of fact about the process. The medical students were somewhat freaked out.

There was a happy ending two years later when Ian, Roma and Bob were put back together again as much as was possible, and cremated, after which the medical students were shown a film of them when they were still alive, speaking about their decision.

This made some of the medical students cry. Mainly the girls.

Well, said Margaret at the end. I did enjoy that!

Gaius looked sour.

Dripping

Margaret walked to the end of the jetty. She stared over the railing at the slate grey sea, thinking about what had gone wrong. That Gaius! He was a prickly sort of chap. But she was not about to give up yet.

She turned and walked back to the kiosk. She bought two icecreams and carried them over to where Gaius was still sitting on the sand, busily writing.

Oh hello, Margaret, said Gaius. What have you there?

Icecreams, said Margaret. This one is for you.

She handed him an icecream that had already started dripping.

Eat it quickly, she said. It's dripping.

Good gracious! Is that what they make icecreams of these days? said Gaius. Dripping?

No! said Margaret. It's made of lovely cream, you ninny.

Thank you, Margaret, said Gaius, taking the icecream. He licked it gingerly.

This is pleasant, he said.

They sat in silence for a while.

What are you doing tonight? asked Margaret.

Nothing, said Gaius. No, no, not nothing! I'm doing something.

Is it something I can help you with? asked Margaret.

No, no, said Gaius. I'm going to see a film.

I like films, said Margaret. Perhaps I could come too.

You wouldn't like this film, said Gaius, firmly.

Where is it on? asked Margaret.

The Science Exchange, said Gaius. It will be extremely harrowing. You wouldn't like it.

I'm sure I shall learn something useful, said Margaret.

Diplomacy

Gaius looked at what he had written so far.

PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECTS OF WORM CATCHING: A BICYCLIST'S GUIDE

I am by nature a Stoic. A Stoic exhibits fortitude and self control, and keeps himself free from anger and jealousy.

I am here at the beach with my bicycle and a large glass jar, looking for sand worms.

Already I have encountered a multitude of difficulties and dealt with them satisfactorily. Let me explain:

My companion, an over-zealous female, brought poisonous sandwiches, expecting me to partake of them liberally. I picked out the worst of the filling, put it in my pocket, and ate the rest with an admirable equanimity.
Advice: Do not share food with a female companion.

The glass jar turned out to be superfluous, due to my having a wrong idea of the length of sand worms. It was in any case difficult to carry by bicycle.
Advice: Do not bring a glass jar.

Tomato turned out to be useful for drawing out worms.
Advice: Make use of tomato, but DO NOT EAT IT.

The drawn-out worm bit my female companion on the foot. This turned out to be a fortunate event as she began channelling the worm during the course of which I learned something interesting about their jaw formation.
Advice: Always bring a note book and pencil.

My female companion then began to take over. She insisted on dictating notes. She is no natural historian, no philosopher. Certainly no Stoic.
Advice: Do not listen to women.

I however did not do anything to disgrace my own philosophy. I merely insisted upon rewriting everything that she had come up with. I am the most diplomatic of men.
Advice: Be patient, and women will go away.

Intellectual Property

Is that it? asked Gaius.

That's it, said Margaret.

There's not much of me in it, said Gaius. I'll be doing a rewrite.

I'll help you, said Margaret.

No, you won't, said Gaius. I'll do it on my own. He sat down on a ridge of shelly sand and with a decisive stroke of his pen crossed out everything but Margaret's catchy title.

Oh, so you're keeping the title? said Margaret. You do realise it's my intellectual property?

It isn't, said Gaius. Philosophical Aspects of Worm Catching may be yours. Bicyclists Guide is mine.

It IS'NT! said Margaret.

You forgot it, said Gaius.

What do you mean I forgot it? she asked.

You left it out. You only added it when I said it needed a reference to bicycling.

They're my words in my order, she said.

Then I'll cross out the title as well, said Gaius. He crossed out the title with a flourish.

Margaret was offended. She walked away, towards the jetty.

Gaius was glad she had gone. He began to write rapidly......

PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECTS OF WORM CATCHING: A BICYCLIST'S GUIDE.

Let her lay claim to that, he muttered.

The Cap Fits

What happens next? said Margaret. We go on philosophising, that's all.

I like the way you skirted the tomato issue, said Gaius.

No need to embarrass ourselves, said Margaret. A Stoic should be free of all extraneous emotions.

Not embarassment, said Gaius. A Stoic ought to put up with embarrassment.

Do you want the tomato in, or not? asked Margaret.

I shall think about it, said Gaius. Go on, Margaret.

Margaret coughed theatrically, and continued......

The dear friend, injured by the worm through no fault of her own, possibly bleeding...

But you weren't bleeding, said Gaius.

I said possibly bleeding, said Margaret. Possibly bleeding, the friend is overcome by a strange feeling of worminess. She speaks and her voice comes out in long vowels, she utters interesting information about the structure of the jaws of worms, information she could not possibly have known before the incident.....

I begin to wonder, Margaret, said Gaius.

About the channelling? asked Margaret. I wasn't pretending, you know.

No, about the kind of philosophy you are leading us into, said Gaius, I think you should stick to Stoicism.

I intend to, said Margaret. She cleared her throat again.....

And yet the friend, who is a true Stoic, is happy. Happy in her injury, which accords with the natural world.

That is good, Margaret. said Gaius. For you. It makes you seem the perfect Stoic. As for me, I come out looking like a fatuous sandwich filling dropper and fortunate avoider of bites.

If the cap fits, said Margaret.

Philosophical Aspects of Worm Catching

First, said Margaret, the title. Philosophical Aspects of Worm Catching.

What? said Gaius. Is this my article for Velosophy?

It is, said Margaret. I told you I would be helpful.

Something is missing, said Gaius. The bicycle.

Oh yes, said Margaret. Easily fixed. Cyclists' Guide to Philosophical Aspects of Worm Catching.

That is quite catchy, said Gaius, impressed.

Just write, said Margaret.

Yes, it is, said Gaius.

What? said Margaret. Oh, never mind. Now where were we? Cyclists' Guide to Philosophical Aspects of Worm Catching.

What could be pleasanter than to take a picnic lunch and cycle with a friend to a beach to seek for worms? As Stoics we believe in the virtue of the natural world. A picnic, a bicycle, or two, a glass jar, a row of soft tubes emerging from the sand at the edge of the sea, waiting to be poked into.

A glass jar. Is that part of the natural world? asked Gaius.

Oh yes, said Margaret. It is these days. As are bicycles.

I see, said Gaius.

It is at times such as these, continued Margaret, that a Stoic feels his philosophy is an undemanding one. But consider this. Anything might happen at any given moment to discompose his equanimity.

You sound just like me, said Gaius.

That is my aim, said Margaret. Be quiet! Where was I? Oh yes....

A chance piece of sandwich filling might find its way into his pocket. He may, in order to precipitate the worm's emergence, stuff the sandwich filling into the worm hole, with the unfortunate result that the irritated worm might leap up from his wormlike torpor and bite! not the foot of the philosopher, but the foot of his dear friend, the very friend who had provided the filling for the sandwich. How do you like it so far?

Thrilling, said Gaius. What happens next?

Write This Down

Are you feeling better now, Margaret? asked Gaius.

Yes, said Margaret. But my my foot is bleeding.

Together they peered at her foot.

No, said Gaius. It isn't bleeding. That is a piece of tomato.

You should have eaten it, said Margaret. Then none of this would have happened.

Would you like me to eat it now? asked Gaius.

If that is a joke, it is in bad taste, said Margaret.

True, said Gaius. Sorry.

It's all your fault, said Margaret. If you hadn't poked tomato down the worm hole the worm wouldn't have come up and bitten me.

You don't know that, said Gaius. It might have come up anyway, because you stepped on it.

Who channelled this worm, you or me? said Margaret crossly. I know why it came up. It came up to bite whoever poked tomato down its hole. And that was you.

I have no answer to that, said Gaius. Except to say that I was lucky it bit you.

Yes you were, said Margaret. You gained valuable information without pain or effort.

Yes I did, said Gaius. I must write it down.

He rummaged in his bag for his notepad, and a pen.

I shall dictate, said Margaret.

Gaius bit his tongue.

A Funny Turn

Wooooooooh, said Margaret, in a funny voice. We dooo have teeeeeth.

Pardon? said Gaius.

We doo have teeeeth, repeated Margaret, turning a wormy shade of purple.

Good gracious! said Gaius. I do believe you are channelling the worm that bit you.

Belieeeve it, said Worm-Margaret.

So, said Gaius. You do have teeth?

We have serrated jaaaaws, explained Worm-Margaret. Our jaaaws are formed from sclerotised collagen.

Thank you for that interesting information, said Gaius. Now would you mind letting go of Margaret's foot. She isn't looking very well.

Aaall right, said Worm-Margaret. I'm off. But one mooooore thing!

What is it? asked Gaius.

Weee don't like tomaaaato, said Worm-Margaret. Don't poke it down our holes.

I knew it, said Gaius. And I apologise. Now please let go.

Margaret lifted her foot. Stared at it. Walked up the beach a little and sat down. The purple colour drained slowly from her face. Soon she was pink again.

Ooh! she said. I've had a funny turn.

The Poisonous Theory

Did you pick the tomato out of your sandwich? asked Margaret.

Not all of it, said Gaius.

I told you it wasn't poisonous, said Margaret.

But I don't like it, said Gaius.

Then why do you think the worms will like it? asked Margaret.

They don't, said Gaius. QED. Which supports the poisonous theory.

Everyone eats tomatoes! said Margaret, exasperated.

There is a website, said Gaius, called Tomatoes Are Evil. I suggest you have a look at it before you make claims of that nature.

Pooh! said Margaret. Fabulists!

All I want, said Gaius, is to find a worm.

You need a stink-bag, said Margaret.

Gaius decided to disregard that remark.

And, he continued, to learn some interesting facts about it.

Is that all? said Margaret. I could tell you some interesting facts about worms right now.

But, said Gaius, there must be bicycles.

We came on bicycles, said Margaret.

And philosophy, said Gaius. That is the most difficult part.

Whatever are you talking about? asked Margaret.

I have to write an article for Velosophy, said Gaius. That's what I'm talking about.

Why didn't you say so? said Margaret. I'm sure I can help you there. I'm very good at philosophy. Oh! Ouch! Help!

What's the matter! asked Gaius.

A worm! cried Margaret. It's bitten me!

What with? asked Gaius. I thought you said they didn't have any teeth.