Ethical Debate Postponed

The Australia Day weekend is over. The Miracle Tent has been dismantled and everyone has gone home, miraculously healed, or better off in various other ways.

It's Tuesday morning. Sweezus, Arthur, Tom-Jelte, Ray Moon and Mrs Hume have dropped in at Mrs Swales's, to say goodbye.

Come in, come in, says Lauren Swales. I'm making scones. Bob! Your friends are here!

Surfing-With-Whales emerges from his bedroom.

Bob! says Mrs Hume. Is that your real name, dear?

No, says Surfing-With-Whales. That's just what mum calls me. She forgets.

Lauren Swales winks at Mrs Hume. Boys! says Lauren Swales.

I know, says Mrs Hume. My own son David, the French call him Le Bon David, I could never fathom why, but of course the name has stuck.

Sit down I'll make you all a cup of tea, says Mrs Swales. Now then, tell me, did you witness any miracles? What happened to the famous frog cake Arthur?

Nothing, says Arthur.

No no, not nothing, says Tom-Jelte. It was very fine. Arthur ate the frog cake then he threw up. It was called dancing with Jesus. Then we all did the conga, and put some money in the plate. But it was so beautiful you know. If any one was needing money they were allowed to take some out.

But no one did, says Mrs Hume.

You may think that, Katherine, says Raymond Moon, but I know different.

He glares at Sweezus.

Sweezus takes a wad of notes out of his pocket and hands them to Surfing-With-Whales.

This is for the stand up paddle, says Sweezus. Three hundred ought to be enough. Sorry it took so long to pay you back.

 Thanks, bro! says Surfing-With-Whales. You're a deadset legend!

He hands the money over to his mum.

Thanks dear, says Mrs Swales. I really did need that money. I didn't like to tell you but business has been slow lately, and I could do without a stand up paddle on my credit card.

Ray Moon was about to begin an ethical debate about the provenance of the money when a shocking thing occurred. His daughter Bunny came out of Surfing-With-Whales' bedroom with her hair all tousled and  a slept-in tee-shirt on.

It's What He Would Have Wanted

Arthur has thrown up into a bush. It's green and yellow with little flecks of brown.

Those were its eyes, thinks Arthur. Chocolate brown. In fact, all the colours are true.

He feels better now. He is about to turn away when a flock of seagulls descends upon the bush.

They fight over the last earthly remains of the Balfours frog cake.

That is what the frog cake would have wanted, thinks Arthur, sentimentally. Throw me to the seagulls. He said that.

There is no one there to contradict him.

Sweezus is inside the tent with Tom-Jelte. They have gone over to see what's wrong with Mrs Hume.

You okay, Mrs Hume? asks Sweezus.

She straightens up.

Oh ha ha ha, laughs Mrs Hume. I was just laughing at the dancing that's all. Oh deary me. Just look at Ray!

Good, says Sweezus, as long as you're okay, I'm leaving. It'd be crap if I was recognized.

Don't be silly, Sweezus, says Mrs Hume. Sit down next to me. Oh here comes Ray!

Ray Moon comes over. His ribbon droops when he sees Sweezus.

Hello, says Ray Moon stiffly. What are you doing here? Praying for money?

Ray, says Sweezus. As if I would pray for money!

Money? says Tom-Jelte. Do you  need some money?

No, says Ray. He doesn't. But if you wish to give something to the needy there is a collection box over by the door.

Sure, sure, says Tom-Jelte. I'll put in some money.

Good man, says Raymond Moon.

The miracles and festivities are nearly over. Paul Nicholson, who organized the event, thanks Pastor Katherine for her inspirational talk.

He urges every one who can to put some money in the collection box for the needy.

We have so much to be thankful for tonight, says Paul Nicholson. But I want to say this. That if you yourself are in need feel free to take something out of the collection box.

Everyone is full of joy.

Some people hug. Some are in tears. Some put some money in the collection box.

Arthur comes up behind Sweezus.

Did you hear that? says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus. That's freakin' awesome! Just let me at that collection box.

Let  Tom-Jelte at it first, advises Arthur.

Dancing With Jesus

The frog cake has not been restored.

Flat, crumbly, its crazily cracked green fondant icing adhering to the greasy tissue paper, the confectioners cream a lurid shade of yellow, it looks worse than it has ever looked before..

Uh!says Tom-Jelte. Oh! says Pastor Moon. Ah! says Mrs Hume.

Feeling this is something of an anti climax, Arthur eats the frog cake ceremoniously.

Pastor Katherine hurries over.

Have we had a miracle? she asks?

If Arthur doesn't get a tummy ache, we have, says Mrs Hume. Arthur, that was foolish!

No doubt the spirit moved him, says Pastor Katherine. Arthur, come back up on the stage.

Arthur goes up on the stage.

Our brother here has been moved by the spirit, announces Pastor Katherine. The frog cake is inside him, dancing with Jesus! I want everyone to dance with Jesus! Get up everyone, and dance with Jesus!

The band begins to play Dancing with Jesus. Everyone gets up and forms a conga line, waving their ribbons. Everyone except Mrs Hume. For some reason, she is doubled over in her seat

This is not what Arthur had expected. He leaves the stage and walks over to the entrance of the tent.

Sweezus is standing at the entrance, looking in.

You idiot, says Sweezus. What'd you do that for? And you can't leave just like that. Tom-Jelte's in there. What about the plan?

Damn the plan, says Arthur. I need to lie down for a minute. You go in.

No way! says Sweezus. I'm not going in.

Mrs Hume's bent over double in her seat, says Arthur.

Shit, is she? says Sweezus, peering round a tent pole.

Tom-Jelte congas over to the entrance.

What's happening Arthur? says Tom-Jelte. Why don't you come back in?

You enjoying it? says Sweezus.

Sure! says Tom-Jelte. It's real cool fun. Come in!

Arthur slumps down on a plastic chair. He looks a little ghastly.

Okay, Tom-Jelte, says Sweezus. I'll come in.

The Power Of The Word

It's the Australia Day long weekend and a big crowd has turned up to the Miracle Tent at Middleton.

Some have come to testify to the power of the blood and the word, and others have come in the hope of a miracle.

Here is Norm, testifying to the cure of his gangrenous toe.

Halleluiah! says the crowd.

Here is Lynne, whose thirty two stomach staples have miraculously disappeared.

Praise God! says the crowd.

Here is Keith, who is raised from the dead.

The crowd begins to dance and wave ribbons.

Pastor Katherine calls for people to come up who need healing.

Here is Arthur, with his new friend Tom-Jelte. They are first to go  up on the stage.

Mrs Hume is in the audience, holding her breath. She does not believe in miracles.

I seek the restoration of my green Balfours frog cake, says Arthur.

Tom-Jelte stands behind Arthur, in case he falls backwards.

Pastor Katherine places her hands on the half unwrapped frog cake.

By the power that's in this tent tonight, says Pastor Katherine. Frog cake let go!

Nothing happens. Arthur stands holding the frog cake. A few crumbs drop onto the stage.

It may take some time, says Pastor Katherine. Go and sit down. Who's next?

Tom-Jelte and Arthur go and sit down beside Mrs Hume.

I knew it wouldn't work, says Mrs Hume. And I have my doubts about that gangrenous toe.

Pastor Moon is sitting behind her. He leans forward.

O ye of little faith, says Pastor Moon.

Ray, says Mrs Hume. Come with me. We're going to confront Norm.

They walk up to Norm.

Norm, says Mrs Hume. May we see your miraculous toe?

Sure, says Norm, undoing his shoelace, peeling off his sock and presenting a perfect white manicured toe.

There's not much to see now it's better, says Norm. But here is a photograph of what it looked like before I declared the Word.

He shows her a photograph of what looks like a gangrenous toe.

That could be anyone's, says Mrs Hume. What was the word?

The Word of Healing, says Norm.

You see, Katherine? says Ray Moon. That's the power of the Word. And how is the frog cake coming along, Arthur?

Arthur unwraps the frog cake for the very last time.......

Adelaide Street Circuit - Fair

Team Ethical has not done well in the final street circuit, but they have to agree it was fair.

I suppose it was fair, says Bunny. Tom-Jelte Slagter and Andre Greipel were just faster than us.

But you did very well, Bunny dear, says Belle et Bonne. You're the only one of us that won any money.

Bunny looks pleased. Sweezus does not.

Arthur feels in his pocket. Time to make use of the clincher.

He strolls over to Tom-Jelte Slagter.

Tom! says Arthur. You did very well.

Thank you, says Tom-Jelte Slagter.

And you won a great deal of money, says Arthur.

Yah, says Tom-Jelte. It was amazing.

A miracle, says Arthur.

Hardly a miracle, says Tom-Jelte.

You don't believe in miracles? says Arthur.

Not at all, says Tom-Jelte.

I do, says Arthur. Take a look at this frog cake.

He takes out the frog cake, still wrapped in a tissue. He unwraps the frog cake. Some of the icing is stuck to the tissue paper. Tom-Jelte leans forward and picks a bit off. He licks it.

Hey! says Arthur. I wouldn't do that.

Tom-Jelte wipes the tip of his tongue with his finger.

Why are you showing me this? asks Tom-Jelte.

Because, says Arthur, I'm taking this frog cake to the Miracle Tent down at Middleton tomorrow, and I'm fully expecting a miracle.

What sort of miracle? asks Tom-Jelte.

Its complete restoration, says Arthur. That's why I didn't want you to lick it.

Wow! says Tom-Jelte, impressed. Its full restoration to what?

To a real Balfours frog cake, says Arthur. Three dimensional, with a profile, little chocolate eyes, an open frog mouth, soft green fondant  icing  and fresh sweet confectioner's cream.

I should like to see that, says Tom-Jelte.

Come on then, says Arthur. Come with us. You deserve a day off after all.

You know what, I will, says Tom-Jelte.

Good, says Arthur. Meet us back here in the morning.

He walks back to Team Ethical, re-wrapping the frog cake before it can decompose further.

Nevertheless, it has lost a few crumbs.

Being Elsewhere

Time passes slowly in the Lotus Garden.

People come and go. Some of them take photos. Some of them search for bugs and slugs.

On Saturday the dragonfly returns.

Hello! Is it Sunday? says the Titan.

It's Saturday, says the dragonfly. Watch out for weddings today.

The Titan imagines a wedding. The bride walks slowly down to the Lotus Pond wearing a dazzling white dress.

The Titan is dazzled by the dazzling white dress.

He falls off the lotus leaf and into the pond.

A duck eats him.

Luckily this does not happen.

Tk-tk-tk! says the Titan. That really could happen.

What could? asks the dragonfly.

The Titan explains what could happen.

Whereas this also could happen, says the dragonfly. You could be attracted to the dazzling white dress, jump foolishly onto it and cling. Then one of the bridesmaids who thinks you're a stick knocks you off with her bouquet of flowers. Then you're stuck in the bouquet of flowers, so the bridesmaid.....

Shut up, says the Titan. Obviously many things could happen. Not all of them will.

This may happen.

A man and a woman will be walking towards the lotus pond. The man will be vision impaired. The woman will say to the man, What you say is profound.

This will be in answer to an observation that the man had just made. The Titan will not know what it was.

Thank you, the man will say. I see you understand me.

A man in a tiger suit will walk by. They will not see him.

But Titan will say to himself: Tk-tk-tk! Time to go.

...........

Tick-tick-tick.

It is Sunday. Stage Six has not yet begun.

Rumours are rife among the riders gathered on King William Road.

Some say Professor Freud of Team Philosophe has recovered his Titan.

Others say Team Ethical's Arthur Rimbaud plans to awaken the miraculous powers of the dormant frog cake in his pocket.

Today's contest may be unfair.

McLaren Vale to Old Willunga Hill - Clinchers

Arthur is labouring up Old Willunga Hill, with Sweezus beside him.

Huh, uh, huh, they go rhythmically.

The race is nearly over. Simon Gerrans and Tom-Jelte Slagter speed by.

Hey! calls out Arthur.

Simon Gerrans pays him scant attention. But Tom-Jelte Slagter looks back.

If you win, Tom, shouts Arthur, come and see me!

Tom-Jelte gives him the finger. It's enough to lose him first place.

So much for your plan, observes Sweezus, slowing down. He's got second. And Gerrans got first.

Doesn't matter, says Arthur. He wins two thousand euros. And he'll give half to us.

But he gave you the finger, says Sweezus. It's like.... he doesn't even like you.

He likes me, says Arthur. And he likes Bunny more.

Sweezus looks doubtful.

And, says Arthur. You've forgotten our clincher.

No I haven't, says Sweezus. I remember our clincher. But I warn you, I'm not going to go.

Arthur pats the crushed frog cake in his pocket.

The frog cake trembles and stirs. A drop of green icing oozes down Arthur leg, until it is stopped by a bandage.

............

Team Philosophe is not doing well. Today they have only two riders.

David is out after yesterday's fall and Vello is disqualified for causing it.

Gaius and Freud labour up Old Willunga Hill, at the back of the peloton, regretting the loss of the Titan.

If we still had that Titan, says Gaius, we'd be doing a lot better than this.

Yes, yes, says Freud. Every rider would be reluctant to pass us.

They would indeed, says Gaius. Because they would be wary of doing so.

Exactly, says Freud. That's how psychology works.

It's not so much the actual Titan, says Gaius.

No, says Freud. It's the idea of the Titan.

What a great pity it is, says Gaius, that Vello declared that the Titan didn't exist.

Freud sighs.

A great pity, he says.

Of course, adds Gaius, it was the only way to release you.

That is true, says Freud. That is very true. I was released.

And here we are, says Gaius.

In the rear,  mutters Freud.

Modbury to Tanunda - Tumblings

Team Philosophe is lagging again in Stage Four, from Modbury to Tanunda.

Their lead out man, Professor Freud, finds his heart is not in it.

I don't feel like leading you out, says Freud to The VeloDrone. Why don't you just lead yourself out.

I'll lead you out, says Le Bon David.

No you won't, you're puffing already, says The VeloDrone. Oh how I wish we had Belle in our team.

I must say I feel guilty, says Freud. For losing the Titan.

Come to that, says Le Bon David, I never did understand your race plan. What good could a stick insect do?

It gave us a psychological advantage, says Freud.

Pathetic, says Le Bon David. Now you have a psychological disadvantage. And it's rubbed off on us. We may as well give up right now.

And not go to Tanunda? says Freud.

We're almost there, says Le Bon David. Only 750 metres to go. But we needn't hurry.

The VeloDrone is furious with David. He angrily sticks out his foot. David tumbles to the ground, in front of two riders from Orica Greenedge.

And they too tumble down.

Andre Greipel rides past everyone laughing. That's thirteen stage wins for him now.

.........

Back in the Botanical Gardens it's still Monday.

The Titan and the dragonfly are friends.

Are you telling me, says the dragonfly, that you were part of  a Tour Down Under race plan?

Oh yes, says the Titan. I was.

What was it exactly? asks the dragonfly.

I never did know what it was, says the Titan, but I guess it's cactus now.

If I was a part of a race plan, says the dragonfly wistfully, I would be over the moon.

The Titan is strangely disturbed. Why hadn't he realised how important his role was? Why hadn't he been over the moon?

Oh well, too late, says the Titan, resignedly. I do like it here though, he adds.

Yes it's nice here, says the dragonfly. Sometimes there are weddings. And a man in a tiger suit comes. But that's a bit scary.

When does he come? asks the Titan. Perhaps I might leave before then.

Sunday, says the dragonfly. And that reminds me. The Tour Down Under is back in the city on Sunday. You might find your team, and get back in the plan.

Sunday? When is Sunday? asks the Titan.

Ages off, says the dragonfly. Today's Monday.

Unley to Stirling - Whirrings

The Titan is tired of remarks like that. What does a dragonfly know?

Think about it, says the Titan. Why would I need to pretend I'm a stick?

Ha ha, laughs the dragonfly. It's obvious you're pretending to be stick. Look at you.

You still don't get it, do you, says the Titan. I look how I look. If I look like a stick, I look like a stick. Sometimes it's useful and sometimes it's not. But I'm not pretending to be something I'm not. I'm myself.

An existentialist, sneers the dragonfly.

The Titan is stung.

You can talk, says the Titan. You look like a short stick that can fly. What's the point of that?

A short stick that can fly! gasps the dragonfly. I'm going to report you. This is the Botanical Gardens you know. You can't get away with such language!

The Titan doesn't want to be reported. He likes it on the lotus leaf. He becomes conciliatory.

I have wings too, says the Titan.

Do you,  where are they? asks the dragonfly.

Here, says the Titan, whirring his wings. I can fly, but my wife can't.

No kidding? says the dragonfly. I'm not married.

Nor am I really, says the Titan. I just meant in general, the ladies, they can't.

..............

We must leave the Titan and the dragonfly, whose conversation took place last Monday. It is now Thursday and already Stage Three of the Tour has been won, by a newcomer, Tom-Jelte Slagter of Team Blanco Pro.

The race is over and Arthur is talking to Sweezus, while the girls are off buying icecreams.

You know why Bunny's keeping half her prize money? says Arthur. She thinks you're too selfish.

Selfish, me? says Sweezus. No way! I owe money and I want to pay it back. What's selfish about that?

Nothing, says Arthur. But Bunny thinks it is. She says you only think of yourself. She's giving her half to the poor.

The poor! says Sweezus. What does she think I am?

Bunny's pretty naive, says Arthur.

Hmm, yeah, I suppose so, says Sweezus.

Bunny and Belle come back with four melting icecreams.

Guess what, says Bunny. We were talking to Tom-Jelte Slagter!

Wup! So what? says Sweezus.

He's going to give half his winnings to the poor, says Bunny. I convinced him.

Isn't that lovely? says Belle et Bonne.

Yes, lovely, says Arthur. Now Bunny, I have an idea.

Mount Barker to Rostrevor - Winnings

 A difficult climb up the Corkscrew today in Stage Two of the Tour Down Under. Geraint Thomas of Team Sky wins King of the Mountain, and the stage.

Bunny, a climber, comes in twentieth.

Brilliant, Bunny! says Sweezus, at the end of the ride. You win a hundred euros for that!

Wow do I?  says Bunny. Cooly rooly! What are euros? I mean what are they worth?

One euro's worth 1.27 Australian dollars, says Sweezus.

What does that mean? says Bunny. I get a hundred and twenty seven dollars?

Probably a little less than that, says Belle et Bonne, but well done, Bunny.

Thanks, says Bunny. Well, that's half for you, Sweezie, and half for me.

Half? says Sweezus, trying not to look disappointed. Oh yes, thanks Bunny. Half. That's heaps generous.

Arthur takes Bunny aside.

We're in this to win money for Sweezus, says Arthur. What makes you think you can keep half?

Well, says Bunny, quite frankly Arthur, I'm a bit disappointed in Sweezus and how he only thinks of himself. I'll be giving my half to the poor.

Oh will you? says Arthur. We'll see.

...............


At the end of Stage Two, Team Philosophe is commiserating. They did not find the Titan, so Freud had  remained in the van. Without Freud as the lead out man, they had stayed at the back of the pack.

It's outrageous! says The VeloDrone. I'm going to complain.

He goes off to complain. He asks to see an official, and is granted a meeting with one.

I insist you let my team mate out, says The VeloDrone. You have no case against him.

What about the Titan? says the official.

There is no Titan, says The VeloDrone. Which is why he could not produce it.

There is no argument against this.

Freud is let out of the van.

........

There is however, a Titan. Having slipped out from the folds of Freud's trousers on Monday during the picnic in the Botanical Gardens, he is now sitting motionless on a lotus leaf in the middle of the lotus pond. A dragonfly has seen him.

Pretending to be a stick are we? says the dragonfly rudely.

No! says the Titan. I'm not!

Prospect to Lobethal - Losses

Stage One of the Tour Down Under is over. Andre Greipel of Team Lotto Belisol has won the ochre jersey. Team Ethical, disappointed with their efforts, are coasting gently back to town.

Sweezus: Still no money.

Belle et Bonne: Bunny nearly won Skoda King of The Mountain.

Bunny: Nearly isn't good enough.

Arthur: That's right.

Bunny: Oh pooh to you Arthur! At least I tried.

Arthur: I tried.

Sweezus: Yes I saw you trying.

Arthur: What does that mean?

Belle et Bonne: It means he saw you trying.

Arthur: Not the way he said it.

Bunny: He's jealous of Arthur's performance enhancing frog.

Sweezus: As if! It's not performance enhancing anyway.

Bunny: But people think it is. So Arthur's getting famous.

Sweezus: No he's not. Professor Freud's the one who's getting famous.

Belle et Bonne: He was. But did you see what happened at the end? Professor Freud was arrested.

Sweezus: Shit no! I didn't see!

Arthur: I did.

Bunny: So did I. They asked to see his Titan when he did his urine sample and he said he couldn't find it, so they hauled him off and locked him in a van.

Sweezus: That's kind of awesome. How cool is he?

Arthur: Huh! It isn't hard to get arrested.

.........

Meanwhile Team Philosophe has hastily convened a meeting, outside the van.

The VeloDrone: Freud! Professor! Can you hear me?

Le Bon David: Yes! Can you hear us? We're just outside!

The VeloDrone: Shut up David!

Gaius: I think I hear him shouting! What's he saying?

Professor Freud ( faintly ): Is that you?

The VeloDrone: Who?

Le Bon David: He means is it us!

The VeloDrone: Yes, Professor. It is us! What can we do to help you?

Professor Freud: I've mislaid my Titan, somewhere. Can you look for it?

Gaius: Yes, yes, we'll look for it. I know exactly what it looks like. Don't worry Professor, we'll soon find your Titan, and have you out of there.

The VeloDrone: Tell me Gaius, what does it look like?

Le Bon David: You know very well Vello, what it looks like. It's a stick insect, and it looks just like a stick.

An official (appearing from around the other side of the van): Hey there! You team! Clear off.

What Would They Do Without Her?

It is Monday, a rest day. Team Ethical are picnicking in the Botanical Gardens beside the Lotus Pond. As luck would have it, Team Philosophe have picked the very same spot to eat their lunch.

Look at that, says Belle et Bonne. I knew they would turn up. In a minute they'll be over here to see what we've got to eat...... Oh, hello papa!

Hello my dear, says The Velodrone. What a coincidence, seeing you.

Nonsense, says Belle et Bonne. I'll bet you haven't brought a proper picnic. Come on over, and bring the others. We've got strawberry salad, chicken wings, melon and lovely chilled white wine.

Team Philosophe comes over to join Team Ethical.

Well, this is very nice, says David. We'd only got some crisps.

I hear you have a  secret weapon, says Professor Freud to Arthur, sitting down.

Yes, says Arthur, but it has passed inspection, unlike yours.

Professor Freud looks pleased. He picks up the biggest chicken wing and bites into it.

You've heard about my Titan? says Professor Freud.

Everyone has, says Sweezus, sounding irritated.

Everyone? says Vello, looking annoyed.

I haven't, says Bunny. What is his Titan?

It's just a very big stick insect my dear, says Freud, carelessly.

It's all part of their race plan, says Belle et Bonne.

Much good it did them yesterday, says Sweezus.

As much good as your frog cake, says Gaius. I prefer the tried and true.

We know all about your tried and true mints, Gaius, says Sweezus. They got you into trouble. But how does the stick insect work?

As if we would tell you! scoffs Gaius.

Ha ha! laughs David. You'll just have to guess.

I'm guessing, says Arthur, that it's something to do with the wings, and wind speed.

Well deduced, Arthur, says Professor Freud. But no, it's not. It's more to do with ...

Shut up, Sigmund! says The VeloDrone. They are our rivals now!.

Oh papa, says Belle et Bonne. It's only a bicycle race. But I know why you're cross. You usually have me organizing the picnics, and the first aid too, and bringing up the drinks.

Yes, yes, sobs The VeloDrone. My dearest Belle et Bonne, what shall we do without you? What made you join Team Ethical?

Money, says Belle et Bonne. But so far we haven't made any.

Tomorrow we will, says Bunny. It's Prospect to Lobethal, a hill climb and I'm a climber. I'll win us some money!

Better ease off on the wine then, Bunny dear, says Belle et Bonne.

The Smack Of Corruption

Two team officials have come to visit Arthur.

First Team Official: Arthur Rimbaud?

Arthur: That's me.

Second Team Official: We have reason to believe you intend to ride in the People's Choice Classic with the assistance of the frog cake in your pocket.

Arthur: That is not quite correct.

First Team Official: Are you or are you not carrying a frog cake in your pocket?

Arthur: I am, but it gives me no assistance.

Second Team Official: We shall be the judge of that.

Arthur (opening his pocket) : Here it is. It's wrapped up in a tissue.

First Team Official: Kindly take it out and unwrap it.

Arthur ( taking it out and unwrapping it ) : See.

Second Team Official ( scrutinizing the frog cake) : Is it for eating purposes or purposes of propulsion?

Arthur: It's for neither. It's destined for the Miracle Tent in Middleton on the Australia Day weekend. Mrs Hume asked me ......

First Team Official ( glancing at the Second Team Official) : The Mrs Hume?

Arthur: I suppose she is, yes.

Second Team Official: Alright. Will you guarantee not to consume either in part or in its entirety the said frog cake, on or before the 27th of January?  Nor to use it for purposes of propulsion?

Arthur: Of course I will. It's off. Possibly worse than off. It can't do propulsion.

First Team Official: Sign here then, please.

Arthur signs with an ironical flourish, using the crucifix novelty pen which Sweezus has given him, having been unable to sell it.

Second Team Official: Nice pen!

Arthur: Would you like to buy it?

First Team Official: No, he wouldn't. It smacks of corruption.

Performance Enhancing Frogs

Team Ethical are discussing their race plan for the People's Choice Classic tomorrow evening.

It won't be difficult, says Sweezus. The race is really short. I'm going to take it easy today. I might even take the tram down to Glenelg.

No you won't, says Belle et Bonne. You've hardly ridden a bike at all since we rode down to Middleton. This afternoon Team Ethical is going to practice together.

Yes, says Bunny. I'm all for that. Arthur, what are you doing?

Arthur is fiddling in his pocket.

It's that frog cake, isn't it, says Belle et Bonne. Is it annoying you? Why don't you take it out?

No, says Arthur, I'm keeping it. Did you know that since Phil Liggett mentioned it yesterday I've had journalists ringing me up to ask all sorts of questions.

Sweezus can't help wishing journalists would ring him up and ask all sorts of questions.

What do they want to know? asks Sweezus.

What it's for, says Arthur. I think they suspect it might be a performance enhancing frog.

Belle et Bonne smells a rat.

But it  isn't, is it? says Belle et Bonne, It really is just a defunct frog cake?

Of course, says Arthur. What else would it be?

........

Team Philosophe are also discussing their race plan for tomorrow.

Now, says Gaius. Wherever is my bike?

Haven't you found it yet? asks The VeloDrone sternly.

Gaius shakes his head.

I'm sure it'll turn up before tomorrow, says Gaius. If not, I'll borrow one from....

Who? says The VeloDrone. Everyone is in the race. Even David.

What do you mean even David? says David hotly. Anyway, he can always borrow one from Marie.

There, says Gaius. Keep your hair on, Vello.

And where is Professor Freud? fusses The VeloDrone.

He's just fetching his stick insect, says Gaius. The Titan.

What does he need the Titan for in the Tour Down Under? cries The VeloDrone. He should be here. We need to form a plan!

Exactly, says Gaius. The Titan is a crucial part of his plan.

HIS plan! shouts The VeloDrone. I'l give him his plan. Just wait until I see him!....... Oh there you are, my dear Professor! What's that you have there?

Dark Horses And Popular Riders

It's now only two days till the Tour Down Under. Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen have arrived in town. They are photographed for publicity purposes eating two halves of the same meat pie.

Phil Liggett (throwing down the pie): I don't know about you Paul...

Paul Sherwen (dropping his): The things we do!

Phil Liggett: At least the weather's better today. They tell me it was forty three degrees here yesterday.

Paul Sherwen: Yes, that's true. They tell me that as well.

Phil Liggett: Now Paul, I guess we'd better do our homework. Who's in the race this year?

Paul Sherwen: Not 'you know who', that's for sure.

Phil Liggett: Who? Oh yes, not him. But we have a new team I believe, with some old faces.

Paul Sherwen: Team Ethical, that's right. They have Sweezus, he's a very popular rider, and Belle et Bonne,  daughter of The VeloDrone, she's strong. And Arthur Rimbaud. He was a dark horse in the Tour De France but he didn't do too badly, considering those knee injuries of his....

Phil Liggett: I hear he's riding with a deceased frog cake in his pocket. It will be interesting to see how that goes. It's pretty unconventional to be carrying extra weight. And who's the fourth member of the team, Paul?

Paul Sherwen: A newcomer, who did extremely well at school in year 12. Name of Bunny Moon, a promising youngster, so I've heard on the grapevine.

Phil Liggett: And Team Philosophe? Are they riding this year?

Paul Sherwen: Good question, Phil. It seems there's been some confusion with the bikes. But as far as we know the riders will be The VeloDrone, Le Bon David, Gaius and Professor Freud. The crowd will certainly be behind them. Le Bon David was out with injuries all last year.

Phil Liggett: Not injuries, Paul, he had other health issues. Well, well, it will be interesting to see how he copes with the climb up Willunga Hill.

Paul Sherwen: Indeed. I heard a rumour that his mother plans to visit the Miracle Tent in Middleton that same weekend.

Phil Liggett: Ha Ha! Now then, Paul. Let's not go there.

A Soft Green Shapeless Lifeless Candidate

The sun is going down on Sweezie's birthday. The beach is littered with seagulls, dead and dying.

Come on back to mum's, says Surfing-With-Whales.

They all go back to Mrs Swales.

They are surprised to see Raymond Moon and Bunny sitting in the kitchen eating scones.

Moon! says Mrs Hume. I thought you'd given us up.

Dad's in a good mood, says Bunny. There's a Miracle Tent coming.

Not again! says Sweezus. That was here last year.

It comes every year, says Mrs Swales. They pray for miracles, so I've heard. Cures and that. And they get them, too.

I'll believe it when I see it, says Sweezus. But I won't see it, he adds quickly. 'Cause I won't be going.

Arthur likes the sound of a Miracle Tent however. And so does Mrs Hume.

Have a raisin scone, says Mrs Swales, handing round the plate.

Thank you, Lauren, says Midge. Thanks, Lauren, says Belle et Bonne. Thanks, says Mrs Hume.

 No thanks, say Arthur, Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales.

You boys lost your appetites? says Mrs Swales.

The frog cakes were off, says Sweezus. I had two.

That reminds me, says Belle et Bonne, opening the esky.

Too late. The last frog cake is no longer a sentient being.

What a shame, says Midge. We can't even give it to the seagulls.

Drop it in the bin, says Mrs Swales.

Save it for the Miracle Tent, says Sweezus, looking pointedly at Raymond Moon.

Raymond Moon chews his scone imperturbably.

That's a good idea, says Mrs Hume. Arthur, put it in your pocket. Here, wrap it in a tissue first.

She fishes in her handbag for a tissue and gives it to Arthur

Arthur wraps the soft green shapeless lifeless frog cake in the tissue paper and shoves it in the pocket of his shorts.

God Speaks English

Pastor Moon is feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

This Sweezus character, trying to borrow money. And now Arthur turning up with inexplicable funds. Should he say something? Yes he will.

Hr-hrm, says Pastor Moon, I find myself in an untenable position. I did not expect to be involved in shady dealings.

How are you involved in shady dealings, Moon? says Mrs Hume. No one is involved in shady dealings.

I can't prove it, of course, says Pastor Moon. That is the nature of shady dealings. But when I decided to go to all the trouble of appointing a locum and travelling here to meet this fellow Sweezus, I had hopes of something rather more uplifting than this grubby grab for cash.

Nonsense! says Mrs Hume. They are going to form a cycling team. What's wrong with that? Why, my son David is in a cycling team, and so is Belle's papa. And they, naturally, are pillars of society.

Rationalists, no doubt, sniffs Pastor Moon.

Empiricists, says Mrs Hume. At least that what my clever David is. And Belle's papa is the inimitable and mercurial Voltaire.

David.....Hume! says Pastor Moon. And Voltaire! Oh Lord! I am fallen into a den of iniquity!

For god's sake! says Mrs Hume.

And while I'm speaking my mind, says Pastor Moon, I don't think you should blaspheme.

It's you that should not blaspheme! says Mrs Hume. Not me.

It seems to me, says Pastor Moon, that when a professed non believer blasphemes that is proof that god exists.

In that case, says Mrs Hume what does the fact that I speak English prove? That god speaks English? Moon, you are a fool.

Pastor Moon is speechless. He knows what Mrs Hume said makes no sense. But he can't think how to prove it.

He gets up and walks away towards the carpark, then up towards the main road. He follows the road, past the Middleton hotel, the shops, the bakery and Mrs Swales's craft shop. He passes paddocks yellowing in the sun. He sees a sign at the side of the road, and stops in front of it. It is new and shiny, having only just been erected.

"The Miracle Tent returns to Middleton" it reads. And below that, "Australia Day Weekend"

Someone comes up behind him. He turns around. It's Bunny.

Dad! says Bunny. Are you alright?

I am now, Bunny, says Pastor Moon, pointing at the sign.

Team Ethical

Midge is standing shoulder deep in water with her camera, trying to get a shot of Surfing-With-Whales surfing through the barrel of a wave.

Arthur is way down the beach, surreptitiously edging a carbon fibre paddle into the shallows, with his foot.

Sweezus is sitting on the sand next to the esky. There is a frog cake sitting on the lid.

Now Sweezie, says Belle et Bonne, I know you're not feeling very well, but really...

Mm, says Sweezus, but borrowing money is ethical, in a way.....

Not if you have no way of paying it back, says Belle et Bonne.

Tell him to get a job, says someone.

Now who said that? Not Mrs Hume, or Pastor Moon. Not Bunny.

It was the frog cake. They turn to look at it.

I'm from Balfours, says the frog cake. They have this great work ethic there. You work hard, and they pay you money. Then you can buy anything you want.

Didn't Balfours recently go into receivership? asks Mrs Hume.

What? says the frog cake. No one told me that!

And anyway, says Bunny. You're a cake. They didn't pay you money.

The frog cake looks deflated.

Alright, it says, just throw me to the seagulls.

No, says Belle et Bonne. I'll put you in the esky. It's nice and cool in there. You've had a nasty shock.

She turns to Sweezus.

Sweezie, says Belle et Bonne, I think the little frog cake had the right idea.

What, that I should get a job? says Sweezus. What about my creative writing course?

No, not a job, says Belle et Bonne, but you could earn some money. The Tour Down Under starts next week. And there'll be prize money.

Cool, says Sweezus, brightening instantly. You and me and Arthur can get up a team.

And me? says Bunny hopefully.

Can you ride? asks Belle et Bonne.

Can I? says Bunny. I was school champion last year.

Brilliant! says Sweezus. This is just awesome and BRILLIANT! What'll we call our team?

Team Ethical, says Belle et Bonne.

Arthur comes up, and hands Sweezus fifty dollars.

Don't ask, says Arthur, but there's more where this came from.

Cruelty And Other Bad Behaviour

Smell these frog cakes, says Midge. Does anybody think they smell of pizza?

Opinion is divided.

Yes, says Belle et Bonne, sniffing. Yes they do.

No, says Surfing-With-Whales, taking a frog cake. That's artificial cream they use in these. It can't go off.

Yep, says Sweezus, They taste alright to me. He bites into the soft green fondant.

Yum, he says, taking another one. Yum, yum.

Arthur eats one too. They taste like something he has eaten once before.

Pastor Moon declines the offer of a frog cake.

So does Mrs Hume.

That is the first time we have agreed on something, says Mrs Hume. Marvels will never cease.

There are forty six frog cakes left in the cardboard box.

Shall we give them to the seagulls? asks Belle et Bonne.

She places the open box of frog cakes on the sand a few metres from Mrs Hume's towel.

The frog cakes quiver and their artificial cream begins to sweat.

Here come the seagulls. One steps up to the box. He grabs a frog cake in his beak and shakes it sharply.

Woop! The frog cake's creamy head falls in the sand. Another seagull comes along and swipes it.

More seagulls arrive, but there is no need for a war. There are enough frog cakes for them to have two each.

Midge gets her camera out. They look so funny with the frog cakes stuck half way down their throats.

Don't you think it's cruel? says Bunny, who did Biology in Year 12.

Everyone is mortified, as they realise that it is.

There is a lull.

The party is in danger of becoming a disaster. They have been cruel to seagulls, and some of them feel sick.

Arthur wanders off down the beach to look for unattended paddles.

Sweezus sits down next to Pastor Moon.

I think I'm going to throw up, says Sweezus.

Pastor Moon shifts awkwardly and half gets to his feet.

Don't go, says Sweezus. I want ask you something.

What? says Pastor Moon, sitting down again. I'm sure there's nothing I can tell you that you don't already know.

Mrs Hume claps her hands. Good answer, Moon!

No, says Sweezus. I was just wondering if you could loan me a couple of hundred?

Good heavens! says Pastor Moon. Good god almighty! No, I couldn't!

Keep your shirt on, says Sweezus. Just asking.

Belle et Bonne is listening and she is not impressed with Sweezus, not at all.

Pu Pu and Old Cheese

Arthur wades into the water to retrieve the Pu Pu.

Sweezus meanwhile has gone off the whole idea. There must be a more ethical way than this to get a paddle.

Arthur brings the Pu Pu back to shore.

Oh Hey! Thanks a heap! says the owner of the Pu Pu, appearing out of nowhere. Nearly lost it didn't I? Careless of me.

Arthur hands the owner back his paddle.

These things are worth a lot of money, says the owner. May I give you a reward?

Sure, says Arthur. But I didn't think a Pu Pu was worth all that much money. My friend here says its a cheap one compared to that one over there.

Oh that's a Kevlar! says the owner of the Pu Pu. Well, some people think they're just too good that's all.

He seems offended and walks off without further mention of a reward.

Bugger, says Sweezus. How did that go pear shaped?

Never mind, says Arthur. Now we know the principle is right.

.......

It's party time. The pizzas are set up on a table on the beach. Six sorts. The frog cakes are still sitting in their cardboard box. No one has looked inside the box since yesterday evening.

Everyone is drinking Coopers Pale Ale except for Pastor Moon. He is drinking mineral water with pineapple and mango, which Belle at Bonne has gone out specially to buy.

Mrs Hume is sitting on a towel, nibbling a piece of sundried tomato. Many happy returns, she says to Sweezus. This is nice.The sun is shining but it's not too hot. And at last there are some decent waves!

Yeah, says Sweezus. I wish I felt more into it.

Cheer up! says Pastor Moon. After all it isn't Easter.

What a truly inappropriate remark, says Mrs Hume.

Cake time! says Belle et Bonne. Midge opens up the box.

The frog cakes emit a faint smell of old cheese.

A Test Of Moral Character

This is what I bought instead of one big birthday cake, says Midge. Fifty Balfours frog cakes! How good is that!

Fifty frog cakes! says Sweezus. Wow! That's brilliant, Midge!

But secretly he is thinking he would rather have the money. Those frog cakes don't come cheap.

I'll put the box in Mrs Swales's fridge until tomorrow, says Midge. It's awfully hot and we don't want them to go off.

The frog cakes remain expressionless, but they can smell pizza, and they do not fancy a night in the fridge with leftovers. However there is nothing they can do.

Midge shoves them in the fridge.

.....

Next morning it is Sweezie's birthday.

Bunny gives him her present in the paper bag with twisted paper handles.

A Boxing Frog pen! says Sweezus. Thanks Bunny!  I didn't expect that. How'd you know I had a thing for frogs?

Arthur told me, says Bunny. ( But inside she is sad. Somehow the box of Balfours frog cakes has taken the edge off ).

Then she remembers that the real Frog had been a tomato.

Perhaps it didn't matter after all.

.....

Sweezus and Arthur are walking on the beach together after breakfast, discussing the broken paddle.

Whose paddle was it, anyway? asks Arthur.

Well that's the thing, says Sweezus. Surfing-With-Whales borrowed money from his mum to buy it. He's got this business plan. So I have to pay him back.

Or get another paddle, says Arthur. Look around.

There are several SUP boards and paddles lying on the sand, their owners being far too trusting for their own good.

For instance, says Arthur, shoving a paddle with his foot. One of these could end up floating out to sea. And then whoever found it......

Sweezus likes to think he is as rational as the next person. It seems a good idea.What could go wrong? And everyone who owns these freaking paddles must be rich and could easily buy themselves a new one. On the other hand ......

But Arthur has already pushed the paddle into the water.

Not that one, says Sweezus. That's a KiaLoa Pu Pu, just a cheapie. Try that Coreban Gold Kevlar paddle over there.

The True Redeemer

It's quite late when they reach Middleton. Midge drives them straight to Mrs Swales'.

Sweezus, Belle et Bonne, Surfing-With-Whales and Farky are in the kitchen eating pizza.

Hi all! says Midge. Look who's here!

Arthur! says Sweezus. Awesome! He looks happy for a moment, then goes back to looking sad.

What's up? says Arthur. Did you miss me?

It's not that, says Sweezus. I'll tell you about it later, but I'm kind of in the shit.....

That one can't be Sweezus, thinks Pastor Moon. He would not say in the shit.

So Pastor Moon addresses himself to Surfing-With-Whales, who looks like he could well be a redeemer.

Allow me to introduce myself, says Pastor Moon. My name is Raymond Moon, and I am overjoyed to meet you. Please accept this humble gift.

Thanks man, says Surfing-With-Whales, taking the package. He rips the paper off and does a double take.

Fuck me! says Surfing-With-Whales. It's one of those Jesus thingers. What's it do?

He twists the top off. It reveals itself to be a pen.

Pastor Moon grabs the pen back. This can't be Sweezus either.

Sorry, it's not for you, says Pastor Moon. I've made a mistake.

Arthur? says Bunny. Help my dad out.

Arthur stands up to help Pastor Moon out. But he doesn't want to go.

Mrs Hume has no intention of helping anyone but Farky. She takes a slice of Margarita and offers Farky a chunk of cheesy crust under the table.

It's a little awkward. Sweezus has seen the pen.

Is that for me? asks Sweezus. He takes the novelty crucifix pen from the hand of Pastor Moon.

He looks at it intently, and weighs it in his hand. Perhaps it's worth some money. He needs some money. He could maybe sell it later on ebay. Perhaps, he thinks, he could even sell his whole collection.

Sorry, says Pastor Moon, I realise ..........

S'alright says Sweezus, looking much more cheerful now. I'm always getting these. Are you coming to my party? It'll be awesome, man. The girls are bringing cakes.

Belle et Bonne looks inquiringly at Midge, who opens up her backpack to reveal a large brown cardboard box.

She places the box on the kitchen table and opens the lid with a flourish.

Da dah! says Midge. Everyone cranes to look inside the box.

Spiritual Undercurrents In The Surf Van.

Midge is there to meet them at the airport, in SURF FINK.

I thought you guys'd like a lift to Middleton, says Midge.

How very kind, says Mrs Hume. And have you room for Arthur's friends, as well?

Yeah, sure, the more the merrier, says Midge. Who are they, Arthur?

This is Bunny, says Arthur. And this is Pastor Moon.

Pastor Moon? says Midge. But what's his real name?

Ray, says Pastor Moon.

Well, get in Ray, says Midge, and shove up in the back there. No safety belts but what the hell I guess....

Ray Moon looks doubtfully at the transport.

Oh, come on dad, says Bunny. Just get in.

They all climb in. Midge drives towards the city.

I have to stop off and pick up a few cakes for tomorrow, says Midge. They're for Sweezie's birthday.

How nice, says Mrs Hume. I do like cakes.  So there's going to be a party?

Oh yes, says Midge. And we'll have to do our best to cheer him up.

Why does he need cheering up? asks Arthur.

He busted an SUP board paddle and they cost a motza, says Midge. Well... he didn't actually bust it. But he sent Farky out on it without giving him any lessons, and this big old shark got hold of it and bit it clean in two.

Oh Lord! says Mrs Hume. A shark! Is the poor wee dog alright?

Ray Moon raises an eyebrow. Not at the poor wee dog , but at Oh Lord!

Why should she of all people think it acceptable to take the Lord's name in vain? He decides to say no more about it for the present..

Farky's fine, says Midge, although Old Nick nearly had his leg off. But Sweezie's really down in the dumps.

We've brought him presents, pipes up Bunny. Really cute ones. At least mine is. Dad's is kind of mental.

Pastor Moon cannot believe his ears. What is happening to his daughter?

There is nothing mental about a crucifix novelty pen, he says to Bunny sternly.

Mrs Hume is unable to hold back a snort of derision, but luckily just then SURF FINK backfires.

Leaps Of Faith

On the flight from Sydney to Adelaide, Bunny sits next to Arthur, and Mrs Hume sits next to Pastor Moon.

Pastor Moon is first to break the silence.

Mrs Hume.... begins Pastor Moon.

Please don't start, says Mrs Hume. I know you are a pastor. There is nothing that I wish to hear from you.

I say! says Pastor Moon. Surely we may have a civil conversation!

I don't think so, says Mrs Hume. I cannot imagine you have the capacity to be rational.

As to that, says Pastor Moon, it is my belief that rationality is not the be all and the end all.

Oh really, says Mrs Hume. Then do be quiet and let me read the in-flight magazine.

But it is not so easy to shut a pastor down.

Mrs Hume, says Pastor Moon, I put it to you that even rationality requires a leap of faith.

In what way exactly? says Mrs Hume, rising to the bait.

Aha! says Pastor Moon. What is it but a leap of faith to believe in the truth of logic statements, for example?

Pastor Moon, says Mrs Hume, I hope you are truly happy with that question. Now, would you like a mint?

She offers him a giant spherical mint, of the sort she keeps especially for the clergy.

Arthur and Bunny are sitting in the seats behind, not listening to the olds.

Bunny has got her present out, and is showing it to Arthur.

She is able to do this because like most young people she has not wrapped it up, but is carrying it in a decorative paper bag with twisted paper handles.

I got him the Boxing Frog, says Bunny. What d'you think?

I think he'll like the Boxing Frog, says Arthur. And I'll tell you why.

Why? asks Bunny.

He often talks about a character called Frog, says Arthur. Frog was in a blog he used to read. Frog was very unlucky, because he was a tomato, but he was best friends with a stone. He gradually shriveled up while his friend stayed young forever. But he was very plucky till the end, and he had an excellent moral compass. Sweezus says when he's confronted with a dilemma he always asks himself what Frog would do.

What a lovely story, says Bunny. So in the end Frog shriveled up and died?

Not exactly, says Arthur. As far as I remember he was dropped on by a lobster. Ageless Lobster, another friend of mine.

Oh, says Bunny, not quite following.

But she is glad she chose to buy the Boxing Frog.

The Ins And Outs Of Liability

Surfing-With-Whales has retreived the paddle board, and the pieces of broken paddle.

Everyone is back on shore, surveying the damage..

Who's going to pay for this? says Surfing-With-Whales, pointing at the paddle.

Not me, says Farky. I'm the victim here. I almost lost a leg!

Yes, says Belle et Bonne. You're the victim. And being a dog, you won't have any money.

She looks at Sweezus, pointedly.

What? says Sweezus.

You know, says Belle et Bonne. You put Farky on that paddle board and sent him out.

That makes me liable? says Sweezus. Old Nick's the one that broke it.

But he's a fish, says Gaius.

You might say it was an act of god, says Freud.

That's odd coming from you, Professor Freud, says Midge.

I'm not saying that it was an act of god, my dear young lady, says Professor Freud. I'm just saying you could say that's what it was.

Too freakin' bad it wasn't insured then, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Everyone looks glum.

Sweezus knows deep down that he is liable. Luckily his birthday's coming up.

..........

Back in Blaxland it is Mrs Hume and Arthur's last day before going home.

They take the children to Lollipops, as a treat.

It costs a bit to go to Lollipops, but the children like it. Mrs Hume pays the money and they go inside.

The rule in Lollipops is that children must keep their socks on.

Butterfly and Fish take off their shoes and disappear behind the giant slides.

Arthur and Mrs Hume sit at a wooden table, drinking their complimentary coffee.

Home tomorrow, Arthur, says Mrs Hume. Thank god for that.

A couple of people might be coming with us, says Arthur.

As long as it's not the children, says Mrs Hume. Dear me, they are a pair.

No, says Arthur, not the children. It's Bunny Moon and her father Pastor Moon.

Well I never, says Mrs Hume. A pastor. Let him just watch out that's all. I have no truck with pastors, misguided fools.

Arthur likes the sound of this but suddenly all juicy thoughts of future ontological debates desert him.

Fish and Butterfly have taken off their socks.

Deal with it, Arthur, says Mrs Hume. I haven't got the energy today.

Arthur gets up and walks over to the sockless children.

Put on your socks, you little monkeys, says Arthur, or we're going.

Hee hee, laugh the children, as they run away.

Bedlam After Eating Cupcakes

Pastor Moon opens the catalogue of novelty pens to choose a pen for Sweezus.

The perfect one! says Pastor Moon, pointing to a pen shaped like a crucifix.

Dad! says Bunny. That pen would be... it would be just.... an epic fail!

Why? says Pastor Moon, offended.

Think about it, dad, says Bunny. If you were Sweezus, getting that, how unhappy would you be?

But Pastor Moon is not too big on empathy. How could anyone not think a crucifix is good?

Arthur! calls Bunny. What d'you think he'd rather get? Crazy Fish or Boxing Frog?

No answer.

Arthur has gone home. It is only up the road.

Arthur, says Mrs Hume. You missed almost all the party!

How did it go? asks Arthur.

The children have eaten all the pink iced cupcakes! says Mrs Hume. I fear it will be bedlam here tonight.

Mrs Hume is right. The children have become over excited. It is Arthur's turn to supervise their bath.

Fish gets in first. He stands and pees into the water. Then he sits down. Butterfly comes in.

Arthur wonders if he should mention that the bath is full of pee. Too late. Butterfly climbs in. She'll never know.

Fish begins to cry because his stubbed toe is hurting. He is inconsolable and crying for his dad.  

Butterfly wants Mrs Hume to get her out of the bath.

I can do it, says Arthur, picking up a towel.

Noooooo! says Butterfly. I want Grandma! Get Grandma!  Grandma! Grandma!

But Mrs Hume is downstairs stacking up the dishwasher, and she doesn't feel obliged to come.

Arthur doesn't know what to do with both the children crying. He feels in both his pockets and finds the bloody sponge.

Dramatically, he drops it in the bath.

The bathwater turns red. The children both stop crying and ask Arthur for their towels.

Good children, says Arthur. In a perfect world this is exactly what should happen. Now dry yourselves and put yourselves to bed.

An Innocence That Comes Not From Within

Where is my daughter? roars Bunny's dad.

Upstairs, says Arthur, getting to his feet. You must be Bunny's dad.

Pastor Moon to you, boy, says Pastor Moon.

Arthur gets up and edges towards the kitchen drawer, hoping to find a knife.

Forget it boy, says Pastor Moon. The knives are all locked up.

Dad! says Bunny, coming down the stairs. This is Arthur. He needs a laying on of hands.

I'll give him a laying on of hands! says Pastor Moon, making a fist.

Arthur is a friend of Jesus, says Bunny. Look at him.

Pastor Moon takes a long hard look at Arthur.

Arthur's eyes are a mesmerising double shade of blue, and he radiates an innocence that does not come from anywhere inside. Pastor Moon is naturally disarmed.

A friend of Jesus, smiles Pastor Moon. Welcome, lad. Bunny, make a cup of tea, and butter up a bun.

The knives are all locked up daddy, says Bunny. I can't butter up a bun.

I shall unlock the knife drawer just this once, says Pastor Moon. He takes a ring of keys out of his pocket, and gives her one.

Tell me about Jesus, says Pastor Moon, sitting on a straight backed kitchen chair.

Could I have the laying on of hands first? says Arthur. Or failing that, a sponge?

Certainly, says Pastor Moon. Bunny, fetch a sponge.

Bunny fetches a sponge, and then goes back to buttering the bun.

Arthur wipes his knees, and shoves the sponge into his pocket.

Dad, says Bunny. I want to go with Arthur to meet Sweezus, down at Middleton.

Sweezus? says Pastor Moon. Who is he?

It's what Jesus calls himself now, says Bunny. Because it's a cooler name.

Middleton, says Pastor Moon. Isn't that in South Australia?

Yes it is, says Arthur. Bunny will like it there. There's surf and stick insects and whales and dolphins and Mrs Swales' craft and pizza shop, as well as all my friends.....

I too will like it there, says Pastor Moon. Of course I shall have to arrange a locum.

Are YOU coming, daddy? says Bunny, looking scared.

You don't think I would let you go without me? says Pastor Moon. I relish the opportunity to meet our lord. When are you planning to leave?

Day before Christmas, says Arthur.

Arthur doesn't care who comes. Although Mrs Hume may not be pleased.

I'm taking him a present for his birthday, daddy, says Bunny.

Very thoughtful, says Pastor Moon. What will it be?

A novelty pen, says Bunny. Arthur says that's what he likes.

I have some catalogues in my office, says Pastor Moon. I shall help you choose from those.

Bunny and her father disappear into a side room, while Arthur eats the bun.

Things That Do And Don't Happen In Water

And where is Surfing-With-Whales?

He has raced off to borrow a jet ski. Soon he is roaring out to sea behind Sweezus, Belle et Bonne and Midge, to help them rescue Farky.

Sweezus, who has a head start, gets there first.

Farky is in the water, clinging to the broken paddle, the surfboard he was on has floated out of reach.

Old Nick's mouth is closing round his hindmost leg.

Sweezus! calls Farky. Help!

I'm coming, says Sweezus, swatting at Old Nick. Get away from there!

Theethus! says Old Nick, with his mouth full. Don't tell me thith doggy belongth to you?

No, says Sweezus, but...

This is no time to split hairs, says Farky. I am his dog!

Old Nick spits out a mouthful of dog hair and swims back a little way to take in the vision of Sweezus.

Man! says Old Nick. It's nice to see you.

Yeah, right, says Sweezus, thinking this might be a case of mistaken identity, but what the hell, you'd have to be a dickhead not to go along with it. Nice to see you too. Now please lay off my dog.

Belle et Bonne and Midge paddle up, followed moments later by Surfing-With-Whales.

The sea rocks alarmingly, and there is a horrible smell of fuel.

Bloody JET SKIS, says Old Nick. Stinking up the place. And noisy! They really piss me off.

Everyone turns to look at Surfing-With-Whales disapprovingly..

Sheeeeezz! says Surfing-With-Whales. You guys! I was only trying to help!

Midge gets out her camera. I think this rescue deserves a photo, she says. Smile, everyone.

Not you, she adds, to Surfing-With-Whales. Can you just back off a bit?

Old Nick swims to the forefront of the picture, and flashes a sharp-toothed grin.

.........

Arthur and Bunny are ankle deep in the Pool of Siloam.

It is slippery on the wet rocks and they clutch at one another.

Bunny lets go suddenly and Arthur falls and grazes his knees, scraping off all his scabs. His blood turns the water red.

Woo, says Bunny. Sorry Arthur. Didn't mean to.

It's alright, says Arthur. I've got a bandage somewhere. He rummages in the  pockets of his shorts.

But Arthur's pockets are empty. Mrs Hume removed the bandages before she washed his shorts, and didn't put them back.

Let's go, says Bunny. Come back to my place, my dad 'll patch you up. He's a.......he's good at it.

They walk back to the station, Arthur dripping blood. They catch the train to Emu Plains and walk up the Old Bathurst Road to Bunny's house.

They go inside. No one is home. Arthur looks around. There are locks on all the internal doors.

Oh that's just dad, says Bunny, waving vaguely at the locks. He used to lock us in our rooms. He hardly ever does it now.

Arthur is glad dad isn't home.

Bunny is upstairs in the bathroom looking for clean bandages and Arthur is in the kitchen bleeding when dad arrives, and knocks him to the floor.

Miracle And Death Wish

Arthur and Bunny are walking down the Leura Cascades track amongst the banksias, discussing pens.

I like a fountain pen myself, says Arthur. Call me old-fashioned. But Sweezus strikes me more as a novelty pen man.

Thanks for the tip, says Bunny. I know where I can get a really cute one.

They walk until they reach a sign that reads Pool of Siloam.

Let's go and see it, says Bunny. It's in the Bible. It should be amazing.

It wouldn't be the same Pool of Siloam, says Arthur. Not if it's in the Bible.

Bunny looks disappointed.

Tell me the story, says Arthur, although he knows it. His mother made him read the Bible every Sunday.

Well, says Bunny, there's this blind man, blind from birth. And he meets Jesus and Jesus gets a handful of dirt and spits on it. That's how Jesus makes mud. Then he wipes the mud on the man's eyes. Then he says Now go and wash it off in the Pool of Siloam. And the man does, and then he can see.

Nice story, says Arthur, although it begs a lot of questions.

No it doesn't!  says Bunny. Not if you believe it's true.

The Pool of Siloam does look rather pretty. Water splashes over rocks into a shallow pool.

Lets paddle in it, says Bunny. Then whatever's wrong with us will be cured.

Nothing's wrong with me, says Arthur, forgetting all about his scabby knees.

What about your scabby knees? says Bunny.

 Arthur takes his shoes off and steps in.

...........

Sweezus meanwhile is paddling out to sea, to rescue Farky.

Back on shore Gaius is waxing lyrical.

This reminds me of the time Vesuvius erupted, says Gaius. And I went out regardless of the danger in my little boat.......

Yes, yes, says Freud impatiently. I suppose you had a death wish.....

Belle et Bonne looks alarmed.

A death wish! Does Sweezie have a death wish? She hasn't thought of that before.

She looks anxiously at Midge.

Come on! says Midge. Let's get out there, Belle. Grab your board. Just wait a tick I might as well bring my camera.....

The girls head for the water and paddle out in the wake of Sweezus.

Gaius and Freud are left to mind the towels.

Faith Hope And Charity

Farky thinks he is saved.

He drops the paddle into the water.

Crunch! Har Har! says Old Nick chomping on the paddle. Now do you trust me?

Yes, says Farky, doubtfully.

Burnt your bridges, haven't you! says Old Nick. But you can trust Old Nick. Get off that board and into the water.

Farky remembers his dream of several night before. The blood oranges, Arthur's scabby knees, the menacing teeth of the shark.....

But that was just a dream. This is reality.

Decide Farky! Decide!

............

A helicopter circles overhead.

Shark! says Surfing-With-Whales.

Farky's out there! says Sweezus. Yikes!

Yikes? says Belle et Bonne. Is that all you have to say?

Yes, Sweezus, says Midge, witheringly. It was you that sent him out.

He's got a paddle, says Sweezus. But yeah, I guess it's down to me.

Sweezus grabs his surfboard and heads for the water.

Only Gaius thinks that this is sensible.

..........

Arthur and Bunny are exchanging poetical ideas.

I knew I was a poet when I was seven, says Arthur. I hated the conventional life. I bit a girl on the bottom once, when she sat on me. She wasn't wearing pants. I put it in a poem.

Nice, says Bunny. I started writing poetry a bit more recently.

You mean just now? says Arthur. I thought as much. But you can come back with me if you like.

Thanks, says Bunny.  I really want to meet your friend.

Which one? says Arthur.

You know, says Bunny. Your friend Jesus-Sweezus. And I want to get him a present for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?

I don't know. A pen? says Arthur. Pen's are always useful. I bought him a bracelet. He liked that. It was yellow ostrich leather, with a stud.

They stood up, for they had been sitting on the edge of the steep precipice, and walked back along the track like reasonably good friends.

Temptations In The Wilderness

Arthur sticks one leg out over the precipice.

Bunny grabs his shorts. Then she lets go.

Arthur wobbles, and steps back.

Why did you do that? says Arthur.

Why did you? says Bunny.

Because it was tempting, says Arthur.

Same, says Bunny. And anyway, you should have jumped. Angels would bear you up.

Bear me up? says Arthur. I don't think so.

Is this an intellectual discussion? says Bunny, hopefully.

No, says Arthur. It's a stupid Bible one.

It doesn't matter, says Bunny. I followed you here to tell you that I'm actually a poet, so I'm allowed to travel with you.

Uh? says Arthur. What?

You said you only travel with intellectuals and poets, says Bunny. I'm a poet.

I'm a poet, says Arthur, at least I was. You are not a poet.

I  am, says Bunny. Listen:

She is silent. The silence is broken by the sounds of birds and wind, and rustlings in the bushes.

She looks at Arthur to check that he is listening.

Farewell sweet prince, says Bunny. May flights of angels bear thee to thy rest.
Thus I spoke to falling Arthur, moments before before I grabbed him by his vest.

Not bad, says Arthur, except it was my shorts.

Poetic licence says Bunny. So I can come?

.............

Farky's worst nightmare has come true. He is being circled by a shark.

He peeps over the edge of the surfboard. The shark eyes him cruelly.

Farky withdraws to the centre of the board, and tries to make himself small.

The shark's head appears down at the pointy end.

A word of advice, says the shark. From Old Nick.

Oh, says Farky faintly. Is it Christmas?

Christmas! says Old Nick. I'm Old Nick, not Saint Nick!

Sorry, says Farky. It's just that I need it to be Tuesday.

What ? says Old Nick. Do you want my advice or not?

I want it, says Farky. Go ahead.

Ditch the SUP board, says Old Nick, and go back to proper surfing. The real old hands, they hate you new paddlers, getting in their way.

You don't say? says Farky. Do you really think a dog like me would be out here SUPing if he had any say in it? I was PUT on this board, and left to paddle it myself. The only help I've had if you can call it help is from a couple of date-challenged dolphins.

Arrh! Tell me about it, says Old Nick. Dolphins wouldn't know a Tuesday if it bit them. I like you doggy. I like your guts. Do you trust me? Drop that paddle and I'll bump you back to shore.