Unwelcome In London

Belle et Bonne flies to Edinburgh the very next day.

On the plane she is reading a newspaper. She flicks through to the sports section, see if there's anything about the Tour.

Ha ha! Froome has made up with Wiggo. I'd like to have been a fly on the wall when that happened, thinks Belle et Bonne. She folds up the newspaper, and looks out of the window at Scotland. Is that Edinburgh already?

.........

Darling! says Vello, when Belle et Bonne arrives at the hotel . You're a lifesaver!

David smiles faintly. A lifesaver? Thank you Vello, old friend.

Well, says Belle et Bonne. To be honest I was lonely in Paris. What's the weather like here? Rainy and cold I suppose?

Not at all, says David. It's balmy. Perhaps you'd like to ride with me out to Chirnside? It would be so pleasant to ride through the dear winding laneways smelling the exquisite wildflowers of Scotland....

She doesn't have a bicycle, says Vello.

No problem, says David. She can ride yours.

Let me catch my breath first, says Belle et Bonne, putting her bag down and dropping the newspaper on the table.

Heard from Ageless? says Vello.

No, says Belle et Bonne. He seems to have disappeared off the train. I wish we knew someone who might have seen him.

Chris Froome was on the train, says David. I saw him.

Really? says Belle et Bonne. Froome was on the train? I read something about Froome this morning. What was it? Oh yes, he's made up with Wiggo.

Let me see, says Vello, grabbing the newspaper. Hee hee! It says here that Froomey took Wiggo a present. A .... boiled lobster from Paris. Oh my.... that's hilarious...a boiled lobster! He bought him a dinner!

Papa! says Belle et Bonne. You don't think....?

But they do think.

And it suddenly seems horribly clear.

............

Arthur knocks on the door of an apartment on the third floor of a house in central London. Mathilde opens the door.

Her face freezes.

Arthur! says Mathilde. What are you doing here?

Is Paul here? says Arthur.

No, says Mathilde. Fortunately, he has just left.

Where was he going? asks Arthur.

As if I would tell you, Arthur Rimbaud, says Mathilde, slamming the door.

Calling From The Monoprix

The Eurostar is empty of passengers. Now the cleaners come on.

There is one unclaimed bicycle in the baggage compartment and a bee-like cycling outfit on one of the seats in car four. It appears to have been held together by toothpicks. But of the owner, there is no trace.

The items are removed from the train and a set of new passengers gets on.

...........

Tick, tock. Three o'clock in Paris.

It is time for Ageless to report to Belle et Bonne, on the whereabouts and safety of Arthur.

But there is no call.

Typical Ageless, thinks Belle et Bonne. I suppose he'll get back to me soon. She decides to go shopping, in Monoprix, for groceries, for one.

.............

David and Vello are now on the train to Edinburgh, seated comfortably at last.

What a kerfuffle! says David. Changing trains is the very devil. Why didn't we fly?

You know very well why, says Vello. You want to traipse out to Chirnside and find Ninewells like the sentimental ninny that you are.

I know, I know, says David. One gets to a certain time of life.....

And? says Vello.

One wishes to revisit the past, says David. Just to see what has changed.

I can tell you what has changed, says Vello. You are no longer that young dreamer, who discovered a new scene of thought, and entered upon a lifetime of philosophical enquiry, you are now just a fat, old bicycling tourist with a  .....

I say, Vello, says David. Are you angry about something?

Not at all, says Vello. Do I seem angry?

Yes, says David. You do. I suspect you are jealous.

Jealous! says Vello. Not I.

Luckily at this moment his phone rings. It is Belle et Bonne, calling from the Monoprix.

Papa! says Belle et Bonne. How are you enjoying the scenery?

Scenery? says Vello. Oh very fine I must say. Fields mainly. Grass. The odd cow. Sky. Clouds.

Papa! says Belle et Bonne. You should pay more attention. I bet you're bickering with David. Do try to be nice. I'm calling because I'm worried about Arthur.

But my dear, Ageless is on the case, isn't he? says Vello. What can possibly happen to Arthur?

The thing is, I think something's happened to Ageless, says Belle et Bonne. Did you happen to see him at all?

See him? Why ever should we? says Vello. We've been on the train. And now were on another one.

Didn't you know? Ageless and Arthur were on the same train. The one you and David were on.

Goodness me! says Vello. Well, we didn't see them. We got off in rather a hurry.

Oh, do take care, papa, says Belle et Bonne. You shouldn't get off in a hurry. Perhaps I should join you in Scotland? Even though I detest it.

No no, dear, says Vello. David and I are old troopers. We will be perfectly .....err.... actually.......yes why don't you come? We can go to some shows in Edinburgh, you and I, while David tootles off in search of temps perdu, no doubt to be disappointed.

He looks at David, to see if he is listening, but David is looking at cows.

Caught Short In St Pancras Station

Romance? says Arthur warily, covering his poem with his hand.

Nah, not really, says Froomey. Just kidding. Is everything okay?

Why wouldn't it be? says Arthur. Is everything okay with you?

No, says Froomey. But it will be.

He waits for Arthur to enquire further, but Arthur says nothing. He is waiting for Froomey to go.

It's Wiggo, says Froomey. I have to see Wiggo, and give him these. A peace offering.

Arthur watches while Froomey feels about in his pockets and pulls out a three-pack of bright yellow macarons from Pierre Hermé, best macaron maker in Paris.

Arthur is impressed, but tries not to look it.

He wishes he had bought a souvenir gift of macarons to bring with him to London. He has an idea.

Yellow macarons? says Arthur. Isn't that rubbing it in?

Is it? says Froomey. Heck I don't want to annoy Wiggo.....

Any more than you already have, says Arthur. If only you hadn't picked yellow.

You're dead right, says Froomey. Here, you have these.

He thrusts the macarons at Arthur.

Arthur takes the box of yellow macarons made by Pierre Hermé, the best macaron maker in Paris, and shoves them into his pocket.

You won't regret your decision, says Arthur.

Froomey stands up to go back to his seat in the fourth compartment.

Tell Ageless, says Arthur, that if I catch him following me I'll cut off one of his appendages.

Gosh! says Froomey. All right.

He starts walking back.

Arthur takes his hand away from the first line of his poem.

He scores out the line and begins writing something sweeter, in which the word yellow is featured.

He is pleased with his sweet yellow line. He feels like a poet again. And the train is arriving in London.

.......

But we weren't going to follow Arthur. Why can't we leave him alone?

David and Vello are wide awake now.

The train pulls in to St Pancras. They leap to their feet.

They must retrieve their bicycles and race to another platform to catch the Virgin train to Edinburgh. They have only ten minutes to do it.

And they both need to pee. If only they had done it before!

So they are first off the train, and don't see what happens to Ageless........

For The Sake Of Romance

Chris Froome looks up from his notebook. What's that he can see?

Two antennae waving above the seat in front of him.

He leans round the seat and taps Ageless. Ageless jumps!

Ooh! says Ageless. Froomey! Don't scare me like that. I thought you were Arthur.

Arthur Rimbaud? says Froomey. From Team Provenance? Is he here?

Shh! says Ageless. Yes he's here. But he doesn't know I am.

He doesn't know I am, says Froomey. So what?

I'm keeping an eye on him, says Ageless. Just to make sure he's all right.

Froomey is suspicious. This is Ageless, the tripper and poisoner, who recently got off scot free.

Would you do me a favour? says Ageless. Wander down to the first compartment, just casually, and see if he's there? I haven't checked since we boarded the train.

Why? says Froomey. Why can't you go?

Incognito, says Ageless. Reporting back to someone. For a reward, he adds before he can stop himself. Damn, that part was private!

Reward, says Froomey? What is it?

Do you have a beloved? says Ageless.

I have a fiancée, says Froomey. If that's what you mean.

Then you will understand, says Ageless. Go now, for the sake of romance.

Froomey doesn't understand anything, but he decides to go and find out. He stands and makes his way back to the first compartment. He will pretend he is checking his bike.

He passes through the second compartment. There he sees Vello and David, asleep.

He accidentally knocks David's shoulder.

Froomey! says David, waking up. What are you doing here?

Nothing, says Froomey. Just checking my bike.

Uh huh, says David nodding off again.

Froomey is elated. How easily people are tricked.

He enters the first compartment .

There is Arthur, sitting all by himself, scribbling notes.

Froomey sits down next to Arthur.

Hello Froomey, says Arthur. What are you doing here?

I'm here in the name of romance, says Froomey, thinking Arthur will think it is funny.

But Arthur only  looks sour.

Recovering Lost Youth

Here we are in the baggage compartment of the Eurostar train to London.

Here is Arthur's bicycle.

Here are two more bicycles. They are the bicycles of Vello and David.

That is not so strange. They are going to London, and on up to Edinburgh that same afternoon.

There are two more bicycles, belonging to persons we know.

And then, other bicycles, of no interest to us whatsoever.

Let us walk up the train.

Here is Arthur, scribbling something onto a notepad. Has he started writing poetry again?

Green bilious excretions of love.....

Oh dear, that's not very good. Let's move on.

Here are Vello and David in the second compartment.

They are discussing where they might go.

It's my idea, you know old chap, says David. You're just tagging along.

Nonetheless says Vello, I don't think it's wise.

Tell me why it's not wise to go back to one's roots, says David hotly. I want to see Ninewells again. And I shall. Are you coming or not?

No good trying to recover your lost youth, says Vello. It's pointless. Let's just stay in Edinburgh and visit the pubs. If you feel energetic we can climb Arthur's Seat.

This reminds them of Arthur.

I wonder what young Arthur's up to? says David. He's such a secretive chap.

We'll soon find out, says Vello. You know Ageless is right on his tail?

Yes but how reliable is Ageless? says David.

Reliable enough, says Vello. Belle et Bonne has promised him a reward.

David tries to imagine what that might be.

Do we know what it is? says David.

Something to do with his beloved, says Vello.

The two men are silent for a while, thinking of various beloveds they have known in the past.

The train roars on monotonously. They soon fall asleep.

And now here we are in the fourth compartment.

We should not be surprised to see Ageless, for we know he is acting the spy.

But who is this sitting behind him? The other person we know?

It's Chris Froome, on a quick trip to London. And that was his bike.

Don't Spend Capital If You Don't Have To

Before we leave Arthur, let's make sure he's all right.

Arthur is on his way to Paris Gare du Nord. He's been thinking of London, and who he will meet there and what might happen.

But first he must purchase a ticket.

Arthur likes having two gold coins in his pocket. He doesn't want to use one of them up. He pulls out the shoe horn.

He leaves his bicycle on the footpath and ducks into a pawn shop.

What will you give me for this? says Arthur. It's no ordinary shoe horn.

Alors! says the pawnbroker. It looks like one. Perhaps it belongs to someone famous?

As a matter of fact, says Arthur, it does. It belongs to Katherine Hume, the mother of the famous philosopher.

Don't tell me! cries the pawnbroker. Le Bon David! The great David Hume!

That's the one, says Arthur. What will you give me for it? I need seventy euro to get on the Eurostar to London.

I will give you seventy euro, says the pawnbroker. In exchange for the shoe horn, and its provenance.

Provenance, says Arthur. Let's see. He rummages about in his pockets. Deeper and deeper he goes.

He pulls out a few crumpled papers. Power Bar wrappers, receipts for urine samples..... aha! The receipt for his shorts! Katherine had bought them, before they went to Turkey, because his old ones were stained with cuttlefish ink among other things....... but her name is not on the receipt.

Or is it?

Arthur turns it over. On the back is a hastily scribbled note. Keep the receipt Arthur, in case they don't fit! Katherine.

Here, says Arthur. That's her name. Katherine. And this is a receipt. And that name there, Arthur, that's me. Arthur Rimbaud.

Arthur Rimbaud! says the pawnbroker. I thought I knew that face! Here is seventy euro, with my compliments. After all, you are more famous than her.

So you don't want the shoe horn? says Arthur. I can keep it?

Yes I do want the shoe horn, says the pawnbroker. I am not stupid. But come back for it when you are ready. I shall keep it safe here.

Thank you, says Arthur.

He goes out of the pawnshop, and gets back on his bike. That was too easy. And it wasn't even her shoe horn. It was the one he'd acquired for himself. He jingles the coins in his pocket.

Yes, Arthur will be all right.

The Young Poet Is Never Alone

So, the members of Team Provenance and Team Philosophe are going their various ways.

David and Vello are going to Scotland, leaving Sweezus and Unni in charge of Velosophy.

Belle et Bonne is remaining in Paris.

Niko is going back to his island, to get ready for Christmas.

Freud is returning to the south coast and his new venture, Paintball and Pedal.

Surfing-With-Whales is returning to his mum's place in Middleton.

Gaius is considering going back to Cuttlefish Country, to help with the cause.

And Arthur is not telling anyone where he is going.

This annoys them no end.

None of them want to leave Paris until they know what Arthur is doing.

Arthur finds he is never alone.

So you're staying in Paris? says Sweezus, off-handedly.

No, says Arthur. I'm not staying here.

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. Who'd wanna stay here? There's no surfing.

That's not why, says Arthur.

I would, says Belle et Bonne. It's the best city on earth. So Arthur, where are you going?

Yes Arthur, where are you going? says Unni. It's mean not to tell us.

But Arthur won't say.

Eventually they are obliged to leave Arthur to his own devices.

They leave one by one for their own destinations.

Now Arthur is free.

He has a bicycle, a shoe horn and two gold coins in his pocket. And several dirty bandages.

He is heading for London. To meet up with someone he knows.

Arthur sets off through the streets of Paris.

Shall we follow him? No.

But someone is following Arthur.

There he goes, bold as brass, on a bicycle, a lobster dressed like a bee.

Scot Free In Paris

Did anyone order the lobster? says Vello.

I heard that, says Ageless. What I would like to know is, why am I not invited?

You are persona non grata, says Gaius.

Thank you Gaius, says Ageless. At least somebody cares about me.

We thought you'd still be at the Tribunal, says Belle et Bonne. How did it go?

No problem, says Ageless. I talked myself out of a scrape.

The poisoning? says Gaius.

The tripping? says Niko.

The sausage chucking? says Sweezus.

Yes, says Ageless. I have a silver tongue, as you know. I simply told them that I was a lobster, and subject to a different code of ethical behaviour. Further more, I was not strictly a team member at the time of the offences in question.

Yes, you were, says Niko. When you stuck out your leg, you were.

Lucky you weren't at the tribunal, says Ageless. I got off scot free. Now what's for dinner? I feel like eating seafood.

Everyone looks faintly disgusted.

David changes the subject.

Well, well, says David. Now that the Tour is over, I suppose we all have different plans.

We do? says Vello. First I've heard of it.

As a matter of fact, says David. I am thinking of going to Scotland. It's just a short hop from here. The weather is so lovely at present. And I hear that is not so in Adelaide.

What? says Vello. You are going to Scotland? Why didn't you invite me?

Would you like to come old chap? says David You'd be most welcome. But who will look after Velosophy?

Belle et Bonne, says Vello.

Not me, says Belle. I'm staying in Paris a while.

Well then Sweezus, says Vello. He is quite capable.

Sweezus turns pink.

And Arthur, adds Vello. He is even more capable.

Sweezus turns red.

Arthur? says Sweezus. He looks directly at Arthur.

Not me, says Arthur. You can count me out. I want to be on my own for a while.

No one is pleased to hear that.

Les Deux Magots

Belle et Bonne has invited everyone to dinner at Les Deux Magots, in Saint-Germain-des-Près.

But bad feelings abound.

Unni can't decide who to sit next to. She is angry with everyone there.

Sit next to me, Unni dear, says Belle et Bonne. Tell me what's the matter.

Oh, you know, says Unni. We got disqualified.

But you all deserved it, says Belle et Bonne. Look on the bright side.

All very well, says Gaius. But what is the bright side?

At least Arthur didn't get punished, says Belle et Bonne.

She has a soft spot for Arthur.

Surfing-With-Whales bangs his fist on the table.

Only I did! says Surfing-With-Whales. Yet we both swapped teams.

But if you hadn't swapped teams..... begins Vello, reasonably.

Arthur has had enough. He picks up a menacing butter knife.

Where's my lost property? says Arthur.

What? says Surfing-With-Whales. The gold coins? You got them back.

No I didn't! shouts Arthur.

Everyone turns towards Sweezus.

Oh yeah, says Sweezus, rummaging in his pocket. Here they are.

You see, says Belle et Bonne. There they are. Thanks to Sweezus. Now, what is everyone having? Papa?

I'll have the duck, says Vello. And a glass of champagne.

Everyone orders their dinner, bad-temperedly. What a waste of being at Les Deux Magots.

This won't do, says Belle et Bonne. Surely someone is happy. Niko? Freud?

I am not used to failure, says Niko.

I am, says Freud. One must sublimate one's fears and move on. Come back to Adelaide with me Niko. Help me run my new venture.

No thank you, says Niko. I must go back to my island. It will be Christmas soon.

Bingo! says Unni. You're the winner!

The winner? says Niko. Of what?

The prize  for being the first person this year to say that, says Unni. Usually it's my gran. She loves Christmas.

Everyone laughs.

How lovely it is after all to be in Paris, having dinner at Les Deux Magots. Only Ageless is missing.

The glass door swings open.

It's Ageless.

Lucky no one has ordered the lobster.

Versailles to Paris Champs-Elysées: Damage

The last stage of the Tour. Versailles to Paris Champs-Elysées. Thank goodness for that.

It is evening. The Arc de Triomphe is lit up in a magical way. The crowds cheer. The riders ride in.

Here come the sprinters, the climbers and the rest of the General Classification. It is over at last. Everyone looks quite relieved. Who cares who came first?

Team Provenance and Team Philosophe are relieved also. But they ought not to be.

Almost at once they are called up before the Cycling Tribunal, charged with reckless swapping of teams.

What have you to say? asks the Head of the Tribunal.

No one wants to blame Ageless, in case someone should bring up the sausages.

Unni can't bear it however.

Its all Ageless's fault, says Unni. Ageless Lobster. He poisoned Gaius, our leader. So we had to get Freud, who was shit. But that was okay. Then Ageless refused to ride up Mont Ventoux. So we had to get someone to replace him. And it couldn't be Arthur. So we had to ask Freud.

And Arthur and Surfing-With-Whales? says the Head of the Tribunal. Why did they swap?

Because of me, says Unni.

Not because of you, says Arthur.

Because of him, says Surfing-With-Whales, pointing at Sweezus.

Me? says Sweezus. I thought it was because of her.

Her? says the Head of the Tribunal. Unni Moon is ....... a GIRL?

No, says Unni, well, yes, I suppose so.

Both teams are hereby disqualified, says the Head of the Tribunal. On multiple grounds.

I say, says David. That's jolly harsh.

You wish to say something in your defence? says the Head of the Tribunal.

Vello and I are innocent, says David. As is Sweezus. There are no charges against us. That is three out of four.

Even Arthur is innocent, says Vello, joining in. That's four out of four. A victim of theft and deception. Look at him standing there.

Truly, anyone looking at Arthur just now would think he was innocent. He has put on that face.

The Head of the Tribunal doesn't know what he could have been thinking of.

Only Team Provenance will be disqualified, says the Head of the Tribunal. Now you may all go. But if you see Ageless Lobster, tell him I want a word.......

They all leave together, but the damage between them is done.

Annecy to Annecy-Semnoz: Up To Now

Stage Twenty, the last day of climbing, from Annecy to Annecy-Semnoz. Last chance for the climbers to shine.

Arthur and Unni are riding together, even though they are no longer team mates.

How much is left of my money? asks Arthur.

Our money, says Unni. Not much. It's expensive to ride in the Tour. Did you get your gold coins back?

Not yet, says Arthur. There's a hitch.

What hitch? asks Unni.

It's my fault, says Arthur. All we had to do was change outfits. Then I could have gone in myself. They would have given me the coins. He wouldn't have had to steal the Lost Property Box.

What! cries Unni. Who did? Surfing-With-Whales?

Yes, says Arthur. He stole it. Sweezus told me.

That's awful, says Unni.

No, says Arthur. That's what I would have done, if I had to. He and Sweezus are too much like me.

Sweezus! says Unni. He would never...

Then where are my gold coins? says Arthur. But don't worry, I'll get them back.

Unni looks scornfully at Arthur. All this fuss about coins. But Arthur, her dear handsome poet, looks green.

Arthur, says Unni, You look green.

I shouldn't have eaten that sausage, says Arthur.

Tell me all about it, says Unni.

So will Arthur now spill the beans?

..........

Niko is up near the front of the peloton. Alberto Contador rides up alongside.

Per favore, Niko? says Alberto, and other words similarly Spanish.

Niko understands every language, being a bishop and saint.

It is a case of mistaken identity.

I'm not him, says Niko. You'll find him near the back, dressed like a lobster.

Alberto is disappointed, and now must make up for lost time.

.........

So it is that Stage Twenty is won by Nairo Quintana, the young Columbian rider, of Team Movistar.

Quintana, who has never been troubled by self doubt or trick substitutions.

Who has never lost gold coins in a ditch and had them stolen by friends.

 Who has never ridden over a hazardous sausage deliberately placed there by Ageless.

Who has had a sensible plan, and a hard working team, up to now.

Bourg-d'Oisans to Le Grand-Bornand: Tension

Stage Nineteen, from Bourg-d'Oisans to Le Grand-Bornand, is another day of hard climbs.

Niko and Freud-Niko ride side by side like old comrades, although there is tension between them.

It's not working too well, says Niko, this switching about that we're doing.

Tell me about it, says Freud-Niko. They all think I'm you, and believe me, I'm not used to jeering.

If they are jeering, says Niko, it's not  because they think that you're me. It's because you've made yourself look ridiculous.

Yah! cries an onlooker. Gros homard!

You see, says Niko. It's that lobster outfit you're wearing.

It's the same thing that Ageless was wearing, says Freud-Niko. Just been let out a bit. I can't see it looks any different.

You can't see the back, says Niko.

He speeds up to begin the ascent of the Col de la Madeleine.

Freud-Niko is suddenly self-conscious.

Hmm, thinks Freud-Niko. So that's how it feels. Must make a note for my clinic.

He rides onwards and upwards trying to keep himself small.

........

It is the final climb of the day, up the Col de la Croix Fry.

Arthur is riding behind Froome, who is riding behind blue Team Sky.

Arthur has his eyes fixed on Froome's yellow jersey.

Sweezus rides up behind him.

Arthur, says Sweezus. Let's attack.

Sweezus and Arthur attack, but are immediately caught by Team Sky.

Shit! says Sweezus. That was a waste of .......Woooo!

He goes for a slide, and lands in a ditch.

Arthur stops.

Sweezus has slipped on a sausage that someone has thrown on the road.

Sweezus stares at the sausage, which looks familiar.

That was meant for Froome, he says darkly.

How do you know? says Arthur, picking up the end of the sausage that doesn't look dirty.

Evidence, says Sweezus. Surfing-With-Whales found photographic evidence......

Oops! Shut up Sweezus! Don't tell Arthur where the evidence was found.

But Sweezus is toiling up the Col de la Croix Fry, and cannot hold two thoughts in his head at one time.

Where? asks Arthur suspiciously, biting into the sausage.

In the Lost Property Box, says Sweezus. Yesterday. Yeah, lucky he found it. Or Ageless was fucked. And Team Provenance was fucked as well.

What else did he find? asks Arthur.

Oh Arthur! You look so innocent standing there eating a sausage. And they were your coins that were lost. You even had a receipt for them, written by Niko.

But...

Nothing, says Sweezus.

Gap to Alpe-d'Huez: Evidence

Today is the day of the gruelling double climb up Alpe-d'Huez.

Sweezus is struggling up Alpe-d'Huez for the second time.

Surfing-With-Whales rides up behind.

Hey, says Surfing-with-Whales. How about Froomey?

Yeah, says Sweezus. It sucks. You know what? I hope a French guy wins today.

I'm a French guy, says Surfing-With-Whales. Arthur Rimbaud, that's me.

I keep forgetting, says Sweezus. How'd you go yesterday. Get his money?

Yep, says Surfing-With-Whales.

They believed you? says Sweezus. That's cool.

No, they didn't believe me, says Surfing-with-Whales. The dude knew about Arthur. His blue eyes and all that. He was going to report me.

Yeah? says Sweezus. So how come....?

He went out and I nicked it. says Surfing-With-Whales. The whole Lost Property Box. Yeah. It's okay. No one knows who I am.

Awesome, says Sweezus. What else was in it?

Three watches, an ipod, odd socks, leg grips and some weird photos, says Surfing-With-Whales. And Arthur's gold coins.

So he's got them back, says Sweezus.

Not yet, says Surfing-with-Whales.

They ride on up the cursed Alpe-d'Huez, thinking about how Arthur has not got his coins back. Not yet.

They pass two drooping members of Team Saxo-Tinkoff.

They spot the yellow jersey of Froome, behind blue Team Sky.

Way up the track they can see the breakaway, toiling. Is one of them perhaps a French guy?

They no longer care.

What were the weird photos? asks Sweezus.

Looked like sausages, says Surfing-With-Whales. Sausages squashed on the road.

Sheez! says Sweezus. Evidence. You should warn Ageless.

No way! says Surfing-With-Whales.

Embrun to Chorges: Electric Blue

Today is the day of the Individual Time Trials.  Slowest riders go first. Freud-Niko goes early.

Did you notice, Paul? says Phil Liggett, to Paul Sherwen. He's wearing Ageless lobster's jersey.

We'll have to check into that, says Paul Sherwen.

Vello goes next, followed by David.

Then Arthur goes down the chute. They all think he is Surfing-With-Whales.

Arthur does well in the time trials, finishing early, before the rain.

He waits at Chorges with Belle et Bonne.

You look edgy, says Belle et Bonne. What's the matter?

I have a plan, says Arthur. I'm waiting for Surfing-With-Whales.

A plan to get back your money? says Belle. Unni told me you'd lost it in a ditch. Why don't you just go to lost property and claim it?

Can't says Arthur. They'll think it's not me.

Oh I see, says Belle et Bonne. So Surfing-With-Whales is going to claim it. Do you think that that's wise?

They'll give it to him, says Arthur. Then he'll give it to me.

You hope, says Belle et Bonne. He's best friends with Sweezie. And much as I love Sweezie, I wouldn't trust either of them with money.

Here comes Sweezus, slightly damp, having ridden an excellent time trial.

Oh well done, Sweezie! cries Belle et Bonne.

Thanks Belle!  You're so supportive, says Sweezus, panting hard.

Little you know, thinks Arthur. Women!

Surfing-With-Whales arrives, dripping wet.

Geez! says Surfing-With-Whales.  I did rat-shit. And now the road's drying. Froomey'll get it for sure.

Never mind, says Belle et Bonne. Blame it on the rain. At least you made it. Not like poor Jean-Christophe Peraud.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. And it doesn't matter. They all think I'm Arthur

He winks slyly at Arthur. Arthur shrugs.

I'm off to lost property, says Surfing-With-Whales. No time like the present.

Wait! says Arthur. Change of plan.

But Surfing-With-Whales has disappeared into the tent marked Lost Property.

Bonjour! says the Lost Property Officer. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Lost some gold coins the other day, says Surfing-With-Whales. Names's Arthur. Arthur Rimbaud.

Mais non? says the Lost Property Officer. I do not believe you are Arthur Rimbaud. You do not look like the famous young poet.

I am the famous young poet, says Surfing-With-Whales. See. Name on the jersey?

But your eyes, says the Lost Property Officer. They are not the electric blue eyes of our Arthur Rimbaud.

Surfing-With-Whales scratches his nut.

Far bloody out. Just his luck to meet a Lost Property Officer who knows something like that

Vaison-la-Romaine to Gap: Contemptible Courtesy

Stage Sixteen. Vaison-la-Romaine to Gap. Today will be easy. Everyone is conserving their strength for the time trials tomorrow, and the series of mountains to come.

Here are David and Vello riding along at the back.

You must hand it to Belle et Bonne, says David. No indigestion today. All that fruit!

No, agrees Vello. Only a hangover. All that Gigondas!

That wasn't her fault , says David. Blame that on Freud.

Speak of the devil, here comes Freud-Niko, behind them.

Phew! says Freud-Niko. Am I the only one with a hangover?

No, says Vello. You're not.

Quiet one today, luckily, says David. Want a Power Bar?

Thanks, says Freud-Niko.

They chew. They drop their foil wrappings on the road. They admire the spectacular escarpments.

It is hot. No need to try hard.

............

Arthur rides up behind  Surfing-With-Whales.

Hey Arthur! says Surfing-With-Whales.

Just the man I want to see, says Arthur.

Look in the mirror, says Surfing-With-Whales. I'm meant to be you.

Yes, agrees Arthur. It's bizarre. But it could turn out to be beneficial.

Yeah? says Surfing-With-Whales. Not for me mate. I thought it would be good to be in the same team as Unni.

It is, says Arthur. She's riding much faster.

To keep out of my way, says Surfing-With-Whales. She hates me. She loves you.

Irrelevant, says Arthur. In the circumstances. Could you do me a favour? But first, can I trust you?

Surfing-With-Whales isn't stupid.

Mate! says Surfing-With-Whales.

Arthur asks him the favour.

Surfing-With-Whales answers yes.

.........

Ageless has a plan. He will upset the winners. They are obviously cheating somehow.

He is waiting at the side of the road 7.5 km from the finish.

Here comes Contador. Here comes Froome. Here comes Unni.

Ageless throws a cold sausage from yesterday's picnic onto the road. Contador swerves, and loses control of his bicycle. He knocks into Froome, who comes off in a ditch.

Hurrah! Unni powers up behind. Unni will win! Team Provenance will get a stage victory! It will be all down to Ageless. Hurrah!

But what's Unni doing? She has stopped to look at the sausage. What a fool the girl is!

And now! The rest of the GC riders are stopping to wait for Froome and Contador to remount! What contemptible courtesy.

Ageless waits till they have all passed him before he retrieves his flat sausage.

Rest Day In Vaucluse: Trust

Today is the second rest day of the Tour. Belle et Bonne has organised another picnic, this time with not such rich food.

They are picnicking near the top of Mont Ventoux, where there is a wonderful view, but no grass.

Why did you choose here ? grumbles Vello.

Because of the wonderful view, says Belle et Bonne.

But no grass, says David.

There are a few pretty plants, says Belle et Bonne. Gaius might like them. Hairy Greenland poppy, Spitzburg Saxifrage.

Fascinating says Gaius, looking around half heartedly. But he really wants something to eat. They sit down on the grey stony ground.

What is there? asks Sweezus. I'm starving.

Me too, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Well, says Belle, remembering last time, I've just brought healthy stuff, local produce. Tomatoes and melons and cherries and apples and grapes, and some water.

Every face falls except Unni's.

Yum, says Unni. Apples and grapes.

I like cherries, says Arthur.

Thank you, Arthur and Unni, says Belle et Bonne. Here have a few.

Everyone munches on the healthy local produce, and looks at the view. It's a very good view but they all saw it yesterday.

It's not like the last picnic.

Except that Freud-Niko is late once again.

Here he comes now in his onesie. His face is quite red.

Why are you wearing that costume? says Vello. It's a REST day.

If you knew how hard it was to get on, mutters Freud. Where is Ageless? Not here I suppose...

But Ageless is here.

Why did you refuse to ride up here yesterday? says Freud sternly.

Couldn't do it, says Ageless. Not with these legs.

But you could do it today, says Freud.

Ageless burps rudely.

Is this all there is to eat? asks Freud, looking at the fruit pips and peelings.

Yes, says Belle et Bonne. It's for their own good.

Lucky I brought this then, says Freud.

He opens a bag full of sausages, bread, olives and several bottles of Gigondas.

Gigondas! cries Vello. My favourite red! You life saver, Freud. Pour us a glass.

Now everyone is happy. Except Arthur. He is thinking about his two coins, and how he can't claim them.

Because he is meant to be Surfing-With-Whales. And vice versa.

Eureka! The answer is obvious.

But can he trust Surfing-With-Whales?

Givors to Mont Ventoux: Amazing Victory

Stage Fifteen already! Today is the day of the terrible climb up Mont Ventoux.

Team Provenance is in disarray. Ageless is refusing to ride up the uncompromising mountain.

But Ageless, says Gaius. That will leave us with only three riders. And one of them is no climber.

I suppose you mean me, says Freud-Niko.

If the cap fits, says Ageless. But look on the bright side. One of you Nikos can be captain.

I'm already the captain, says Niko.

I have no desire to be captain, says Freud-Niko.

What about me? says Unni. I'd be a good captain.

You're a girl, says Gaius. We can't draw too much attention.

We are all drawing too much attention, says Niko. Me, because of my questionable method of riding some distance above the actual ground, although I can't help it. And Freud-Niko because he is foolishly helping the enemy. Also he looks nothing like Arthur, whom he is meant to be replacing. And then there is Ageless, a lobster.

Hmm, says Gaius. What a conundrum. ....... Wait! I have it! We'll ask Surfing-With-Whales!

He doesn't look anything like Ageless, says Unni, hoping this will be a deterrent.

True, says Gaius, thinking harder. Wait! I have it! He'll be our replacement for Arthur!

Who am I then ? asks Freud-Niko.

Ha ha, laughs Ageless. Try psychoanalysis!

You, says Gaius. You.....Do you think you could make yourself look smaller, with toothpicks... and glue?

You mean make myself look like a bee-costumed lobster? says Freud-Niko. How offensive! I must think of my status as a psychoanalyst...... but then, never let it be said that I can't see both sides of a question....and I do like dressing up in a onesie. Of course, I am somewhat larger than Ageless......

Somewhat, sniggers Ageless.

But we could say I've swelled up, concludes Freud-Niko.

Ageless snorts.

So it is decided. A onesie is found for Freud-Niko, and let out with toothpicks and glue. Surfing-With-Whales is recruited.

Team Provenance gives a creditable performance in the tough ride up Mont Ventoux. Unni, a talented climber, finishes not far behind Alberto Contador and Nairo Quintana.

And Chris Froome credits his amazing victory to the riders he passed on the way.

Saint-Pourcain-sur-Sioule to Lyon: Falling To Pieces

Stage Fourteen of the Tour. Saint-Pourcain-sur-Sioule to Lyon.

There are eighteen in the first breakaway group. One of them is Arthur. He had not been lying in a ditch yesterday, when Unni had passed him.

Just having a natural break.

Arthur is not thinking about winning. He is just riding hard. He likes riding hard. His knees are giving him trouble. He even likes that.

He rides alongside Voigt, Bak and Kadri.

So! says Voigt. You're okay! You went into a ditch yesterday.

Arthur is a little surprised. How does Voigt even know who he is?

Yeh, says Bak, a ditch. We thought you were done for.

No, says Arthur. I'm not done for.

Then he remembers. They think he is Surfing-With-Whales.

But that doesn't matter. The answer would still be the same. No, not done for.

Guess what? says Kadri.

What? says Arthur.

They found two gold coins on the road yesterday, near where you went into the ditch, says Kadri. Probably yours. You should claim them.

Arthur is now in a pickle. He feels in his pockets. No coins.

He slows down and the others ride past him.

Soon Hoogerland and Cunego loom up.

Oi! Surfing-With-Whales! says Hoogerland. Bad luck yesterday, man!

Uh, uh, puffs Cunego, who is already dropping behind.

Arthur stops.

Unni rides up.

Bloody Ageless, says Unni. He's going to drop out tomorrow. Says he can't do Mont Ventoux.

I've lost my gold coins, says Arthur.

So everything's falling to pieces, says Unni. Hey Arthur. Do you know any Latin?

What? says Arthur. Latin?  I was top of my class in Latin.

Tell me some Latin, says Unni. No wait, what does hick jacket mean?

I don't know says Arthur. It isn't even Latin.

I knew it, says Unni. She rides on ahead.

Arthur stares after Unni.

How much of his cash has she left?

Tours to St-Amand-Montrond: Splits And Warnings

Stage Thirteen of the Tour. Tours to St-Amand-Montrond. Another flat one.

The two Nikos are riding alongside one another, although it is risky.

This is risky, says Niko. But we need to talk.

Spit it out , says Freud-Niko. That's what I'm here for.

No, it's not what you're here for, says Niko. That's exactly my point. You've been aiding our rivals.

Because I'm a doctor, says Freud-Niko.

And? Niko narrows his eyes.

Alright, says Freud-Niko. It's good for business.

I wouldn't mind, says Niko, but everyone thinks that you're me.

And you? says Freud-Niko. Do you think that you're me?

You won't catch me out that way , says Niko. Just keep a low profile, that's all.

He speeds up, his wheels barely touching the ground.

A wind springs up.

Alejandro Valverde gets a puncture. The peloton splits into three groups. How do these things happen?

Arthur is in the first group, and Sweezus is in the second group, with Unni.

Unni rides up beside Sweezus.

Hi, Unni, says Sweezus. Looks like I've split up with Arthur.

I wish, says Unni. He's on your team now. I've lost him.

You should get back with Surfing-With-Whales, says Sweezus. He reckons he loves you.

He can reckon, says Unni. I'm so over him.

He's a bit of a nong, agrees Sweezus.

He's not that bad, says Unni. Turns out he knows Latin.

Yeah, I heard, says Sweezus. So what? I know Latin.

Tell me some Latin, says Unni.

Sweezus racks his brains for some Latin.

HIC IACET, says Sweezus.

Hick? says Unni, suspiciously.

Here, says Sweezus, with confidence.

Jacket? says Unni.

Lies, says Sweezus.

Oh yeah? says Unni. I'm so not impressed.

She rides off, to try and catch up with the first group, and Arthur.

She bets Arthur knows Latin.

She rides so fast that she is there at the finish just a few seconds behind the stage winner Mark Cavendish.

But wait. Does that mean she has passed Arthur, without even noticing?

Has Arthur come to grief in a ditch?

Hic iacet Arthur?

Fougères to Tours: No Contest

It's Stage Twelve of the Tour. Fougères to Tours. A flat one.

Vello and David are riding mid-peloton, discussing recent events.

It's good having Arthur back in the team, says David.

Goodish, says Vello. He's slower than Surfing-With-Whales. But at least he doesn't have issues.

Did Surfing-With-Whales have issues? asks David, surprised.

Really David! says Vello. Hadn't you noticed? He's been pining for Unni.

I thought she was with Arthur, says David.

Catch up, says Vello. She loves Arthur. Arthur doesn't love her. Someone told Surfing-With-Whales that Arthur's more interested now that she's playing the boy. Surfing-With-Whales became even more dejected. But Arthur is more into Sweezus, which turns out good for us.

Good heavens! says David. It's like Shakespeare! And who told him that?

Sweezus, says Vello.

He's a dark horse, says David.

I don't think so, says Vello. Just insensitive.

They ride on for a while.

This leaves Surfing-With-Whales free to ride in Team Provenance with Unni, says David.

Gaius wouldn't allow it, says Vello. It's cheating. Besides they'd have to get rid of one of their Nikos. Or Ageless.

No contest I would have thought, says David. Freud-Niko. He's awfully slow.

But he's popular, says Vello. Cadel swears by his advice. He was talking about him at dinner. Something about a motivational cactus. And look there's Freud-Niko now, riding next to Mark Cavendish!

It's true. Freud-Niko is riding next to Mark Cavendish.

They are deep in conversation.

Urine! says Mark Cavendish. I mean really!

Yes, yes, says Freud-Niko. I quite understand.You feel defiled. But you must put the urine behind you. Own the situation. That's the way forward.

You're right, thanks Niko, says Mark Cavendish, who thinks he is talking to Niko.

Mark Cavendish moves off to the front with renewed determination, only to be pipped at the very last second by Marcel Kittel.

It really is rather like Shakespeare.

Avranches to Mont-Saint-Michel: Pointless

Today is Stage Eleven, the Individual Time Trial. Belle et Bonne and Gaius are at the finish line. Belle is waiting for Sweezus, and Gaius for Niko or Ageless. He doesn't know which.

Why don't you know? asks Belle et Bonne. Surely it depends on their place in the general classification?

It was all perfectly clear until the picnic, sighs Gaius.

My picnic? says Belle et Bonne. Oh look, here comes Sweezie! Well done, Sweezie darling! You made it!

Sweezus looks at the digital clock. Shakes his head. That time wont beat Tony Martin.

Yes, your picnic, says Gaius. Arthur dropped out with a bellyache and we had to replace him with Freud. They look nothing alike. I'm certain we won't get away with it.

What about us? says Sweezus. That picnic fucked us all up too.

I'm so sorry, says Belle et Bonne. If you all hadn't been so utterly piggy........

Why, what happened to you? asks Gaius.

Can't say, says Sweezus, wheeling his time trial bicycle away.

You can tell me, Belle et Bonne, says Gaius.

Oh look! It's Surfing-With-Whales! says Belle et Bonne, in a somewhat unnatural voice.

Gaius looks. A rider is belting along towards the finish. He has bandages on both his knees. Furthermore he looks not particularly like Surfing-With-Whales. He looks a lot more like Arthur.

But that cannot be. Or can it?

He comes over. It's Arthur alright.

Arthur! explodes Gaius. Have you gone and switched teams?

Yes, says Arthur. Surfing-With-Whales felt sick after the picnic.

That was good news for us, says Gaius. And no reason for you to help out. Arthur! Do you not understand competition?

Don't call me Arthur, says Arthur. Or this will be pointless.

It is already pointless! roars Gaius.

Niko flies by, closely followed by Ageless.

Get out of my slipstream you cretinous crustacean! shouts Niko.

Ha ha! cries Ageless. You're done for!

You're all done for! cries Chris Froome, as he whizzes past Ageless.

Chris Froome crosses the line, and looks at the digital clock.

Ha ha! He too is done for! Tony Martin is the winner today.

Saint Gildas-des-Bois to Saint-Malo: Double Trouble

Today is Stage Ten of the Tour de France. Most of the riders used yesterday wisely. Team Philosophe and Team Provenance did not.

Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are in the commentary box. They  notice some changes.

Phil Liggett: Correct me if I'm wrong Paul, but Team Provenance looks different today.

Paul Sherwen: No you're right, Phil. Team Provenance is short on a rider. Arthur Rimbaud has dropped out. But the team won't say why.

Phil Liggett: Dear, dear. That leaves Niko without a strong sprinter.

Paul Sherwen: That's another thing Phil. Niko isn't the captain. The captain is now Ageless Lobster.

Phil Liggett: Goodness me. That might complicate things. There's bad blood between them, I believe.

Paul Sherwen: There is. And here come Niko now, riding behind Cadel Evans. He's riding like a changed man.

Phil Liggett: Yes, he's taking his time, chatting to Cadel Evans. If only we could be a fly on the wall and hear what they're saying.

Paul Sherwen: Or a fly on the wheel.

Phil Liggett: Ha ha!

..........

Perhaps you have guessed. It's Freud-Niko chatting to Cadel Evans.

Let's be a fly on the wheel.

Cadel Evans: Niko! Behind me? That's not like you.

Freud-Niko: I'm taking it easy. We had a big  picnic lunch yesterday. Fortunately I arrived only in time for dessert.

Cadel Evans: What did you have?

Freud-Niko: Crepes and jam, caramel cakes, and prune flan.

Cadel Evan: Geez! If I'd eaten that I'd be cactus.

Freud- Niko: Interesting association.

Cadel Evans: What?

Freud-Niko: Cactus. Do you often describe yourself in such terms?

Cadel Evans: No. Yes. I suppose so.

Freud-Niko: You might like to think about that.

There is a silence while they both pedal.

Freud-Niko: It's a flat ride today.

Cadel Evans: Yeah...... Crikey! Did you see that? Who just rode past us?

Freud-Niko: No, I didn't.

Cadel Evans: If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was you.

Freud-Niko: Ahem. No it was probably that Andre Greipel, or Mark Cavendish, or Marcel Kittel.

Cadel Evans: I don't think it was. He was fat and he was flying. There's only one....

Cadel turns to look hard at his fellow rider. But his fellow rider has gone.

Saint Gildas: A Rest Day

Today is a rest day. Belle et Bonne has organised a picnic for Teams Provenance and Philosophe. They  meet at the picturesque 12th century abbey of Saint Gildas, and look for some grass to sit down on.

Belle et Bonne spreads out some rugs, and produces a large picnic basket.

What's in the basket? asks Sweezus. I'm starving!

Just wait till you see, says Vello. Belle et Bonne has excelled herself today.

Abbey of Saint Gildas, says Gaius, to Niko. Do you know him?

Oh yes, says Saint Niko. Gildas Sapiens, meaning Gildas the ....

You forget I'm a Roman, says Gaius. I know what Sapiens means.

You don't need to be a Roman to know what Sapiens means, says Surfing-With-Whales, unexpectedly.

What? says Unni, surprised. What does it mean?

The Wise, says Surfing-With-Whales. Mum had it on a coffee mug once.

Unni is impressed. He is not such a dill after all.

Come on, says Arthur. Get the food out.

Hear, hear, says David. I'm hungry. Let's get this picnic started.

Belle et Bonne opens the basket and produces specialities of the region, one after the other. Somehow she has managed to keep some of them warm.

Galette de sarrosin, says Belle et Bonne with a flourish. That's pancake stuffed with eggs, meat and cheese. Followed by Kig Ha Faz, dumplings in belly bacon stew. Also, we have Moules Marinières, mussels steamed in white wine, and an Assiette de Fruits de Mer, with langoustines, crabs, oysters, mussels, clams, whelks, and cockles.Watch out. They're fresh and raw.

Euww, says Unni. I'm not having any of that.

And finally, says Belle et Bonne. Fromage du Curé Nantais, cow's milk cheese. You can eat this, Unni. It goes well with this beautiful Muscadet wine, or this Gros Plant, which is drier.

Yum, says Sweezus, grabbing a bowl and spooning everything in. The others do the same, except Ageless, who is sitting slightly apart from the group.

What am I meant to eat? grumbles Ageless. I get nothing, and I'm the captain.

You can eat all of these things, says Belle et Bonne. Lobsters eat anything, even other lobsters. You know that very well.

Then give me a crab, says Ageless. Belle et Bonne hands him a crab.

Not bad, observes Ageless, crunching the crab, and taking another. He looks around. Someone is missing.

No, here he comes now.

Professor Freud! cries Belle et Bonne. I'm so glad you found us! You're just in time for dessert.

How delightful, says Freud, sitting down on the rug, and pouring himself a large glass of Gros Plant. And what do we have for dessert?

Prune flan, says Belle et Bonne, crepes filled with jam, caramel cakes, and butter cookies.

The food is heavenly. They all eat too much. They stretch out on the grass in the sun.

Inside their bellies, the meat and the fish and the dumplings and the raw seafood mingle with the crepes and the caramel and jam. The Muscadet and the Gros Plant begin to bubble and sour and rise upwards.

Tomorrow they ride to Saint-Malo. If they can.

Saint-Girons to Bagnères-de-Bigorre: I Know Where You're Heading

Stage Nine, from Saint-Girons to Bagnères-de-Bigorre. There are four Category One climbs, and one Category Two.

Today, it's fat slow Niko riding. Ageless sweeps past, then slows down.

I know who you are, says Ageless. You're not Niko.

You are dreaming, my friend, says Freud-Niko.

Dreaming am I ? says Ageless. Interpret my dream.

Alright, says Freud-Niko. You wish to kill Niko, that is you wish to kill me. But I am a father figure, so you dare not, and therefore you dream I'm not he.

Hah! cries Ageless. QED!

Is there anything else, puff puff,  you would like to tell me? puffs Freud-Niko, who is finding the mountain quite steep.

I see you are finding the mountain quite steep, observes Ageless. I am too. I was wondering, as you are a doctor, if you know much about lobster pee?

Lobster pee? says Freud-Niko. I think I know where you're heading. Be careful, Ageless.

Yes, says Ageless, unpinning the toothpick holding together the front of his outfit.

Oops! Dan Martin rides by. Lucky Ageless stopped talking. Lucky Dan Martin is not finding the mountain so steep. He is soon out of sight.

Ageless pulls a small box of pills from the depths of his outfit.

I got these at the chemist, says Ageless. The same chemist where I acquired the sleeping draughts for Gaius and you, and your embrocation, remember?

Can't say I do, says Freud-Niko.

And I know why, says Ageless. But I may not be telling. If I were to take these, what's the likelihood I would get caught?

Your pee having such a different chemical composition to begin with, most unlikely, says Freud-Niko, sounding just like a doctor.

I believe you, says Ageless. You sound more like a doctor than a bishop, I must say.

Don't push your luck, Ageless, says Freud-Niko I'm still the captain.

Ageless glints red and green.

He swallows three pills in a hurry, and disappears up the mountain, leaving Freud-Niko behind.

Castres to Ax 3 Domaines: On The Same Team

Today is going to be hard. Stage Eight from Castres ends in a Category One climb up to Ax 3 Domaines.

Ageless is up at the front acting important. He has red sunglasses on.

Niko rides up behind him.

You're not the captain, says Niko. Just so you know.

I think I am, says Ageless, fixing Saint Niko with a hard stare through the red glasses. You failed yesterday.

Watch this, says Niko. He speeds out in front, his wheels merely skimming the road.

A curse on that Niko! says Alberto Contador, as Niko flies past him. He is in form again!

Alberto adjusts his new yellow sunglasses and speeds up with his team Saxo-Tinkoff

Chris Froome and Team Sky grit their teeth, pressing onwards and upwards.

Niko, drops back, until he is level with Ageless.

So who is the captain? says Niko.

We'll see, says Ageless. He sticks out a leg.

Niko avoids it.

A bishop cannot be outdone by a lobster.

That wasn't you yesterday, was it? says Ageless. The fat slow one.

Well spotted, says Niko. It was an old friend. He provided the proof I'm not cheating. People have questioned my style.

Substitutes aren't allowed, says Ageless. Wait till I tell.

Ageless, says Niko. Has it escaped you that we're on the same team?

The slope becomes steeper and steeper. Where is Ax 3 Domaines?

Ageless is puffing. Even Niko is breathing quite hard.

Who was it? puffs Ageless. Your fat friend?

Freud, says Niko. Perhaps you noticed his logo?

No, says Ageless. What logo? He was dressed just like you.

Not exactly, says Niko. He has a different logo. It's for his business venture, Paintball and Pedal.

Ageless files this information away for use later.

Niko speeds up. How does he do it?

Ageless's red sunglasses glint with sparks of green envy.

Quite colourful, if anyone was looking.

Montpellier to Albi: Pressed Hard

Today is Stage Seven, Montpellier to Albi.

Team Cannondale is leading the way.

Bugger, says Sweezus. Look's like it's the green jersey for Sagan.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. We might as well give up right now.

I heard that! says Vello, behind them. Just you keep pedalling. You never know what's around the corner.

Particularly today, says David.

Why particularly today, asks Sweezus. What's going on?

We met Freud on the road yesterday, says Vello. He's come up with a plan.

What is it? asks Surfing-With-Whales.

He wouldn't tell US! says Vello, scornfully. But we think it's to get rid of Niko. That'll be one of the main contenders out of the way.

Cool, says Sweezus, brightening up, and pedalling just a bit harder.

Surfing-With-Whales does the same.

They are on the second climb. Soon they pass Cavendish and Greipel. Then they pass Niko. He is riding quite slowly and his wheels are pressed hard to the ground.

Did you see that? says Sweezus.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. Did you?

Course I did, says Sweezus. I just asked you.

He cranes around to look back at Niko.

Bee costume? Check! Age and build? Check! Face? That looks a bit different.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales keep on pedalling, until they catch up with Arthur and Unni.

Hi Unni. What's up with Niko? asks Sweezus.

Having a bad day, says Unni. That proves he's not cheating.

Awesome, says Sweezus. I'm against cheating.

What about...? begins Surfing-With-Whales.

That wasn't cheating, says Sweezus. That was stealing. It's different.

Ageless sails by, at the summit.

Wheee! says Ageless, grinning at Arthur and Unni. Behold your new captain!

Aix-en-Provence to Montpellier: Cross Currents

Today is Stage Six, Aix-en-Provence to Montpellier.

There is a threat of strong wind. Everyone is riding as fast as they possibly can.

Niko is out in front, with Ageless sitting close behind.

Ageless is behaving badly, and shouting at his captain and team mate, such things as Bishop Brains! and other rude taunts.

Niko pretends not to hear him.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales are trying to get into a breakaway group that has already broken away.

Perhaps we should split up, says Sweezus. You're faster.

Nup, says Surfing-With-Whales. I need your support.

Be a man, says Sweezus. This is the TOUR!

But if Arthur's into Unni.......says Surfing-With-Whales.

I shouldn't 've said it, says Sweezus. It was just.....

I get it, says Surfing-With-Whales. Now she looks like.....

...a boy, says Sweezus, nodding sympathetically, while trying to avoid being side-swiped by Andre Greipel.

Shit, he's in a hurry!

David and Vello are not too far behind, riding seriously hard, until they see Daudet's Windmill. They slow down for a look.

Daudet's Windmill, says Vello. Isn't it nice.

It is very nice, agrees David. Look, someone's inside.

Someone emerges from the windmill wheeling a bicycle. He is wearing an outfit rather like Niko's, so he too looks like a bee.

The man mounts his bike and catches up to David and Vello.

Freud! cries Vello. That's what Arthur was saying! Not ANDROID!

Hello! says Professor Freud. Well met, you two. Mind if I ride along?

You'll have to go faster than this, my friend, says Vello. There's a wind coming up.

I'll do my best, says Professor Freud. You must go on ahead if you want to.

So you're not in the Tour? says David.

I'm not in a team, says Freud, who is puffing already. I'm putting up posters. Advertising my new business, Paintball and Pedal.

Well done! says David. New business. I like that. By the way, you look just like Niko. We thought you were him.

Yes we did, says Vello, and I wish that you were. We believe Niko is cheating.

Dear me, cheating, says Freud. That won't do. But it gives me a clever idea.

Cagnes-sur-Mer to Marseille: No Time For Coasting

Today is stage five of the Tour. Cagnes-sur-Mer to Marseille.

Orica GreenEDGE are still looking lucky. Omega Pharma Quickstep have plans to wreck that.

Team Provenance-Philosophe has disbanded, and the two teams are rivals again.

Vello and David are riding together mid-peloton.

I feel better today, says David. Not so competitive.

That is not an improvement, says Vello. Tell me why?

Team Provenance is finished, says David. Ageless undermines Niko at every turn.

David, says Vello, don't underestimate Niko and his powers of recovery.

Rubbish, says David. He's behind us today. I don't call that a recovery.

Is he? says Vello, craning around and nearly decking Mark Cavendish, who's just passing.

Apologies, Mark Cavendish! says Vello. I was looking around to see Niko.

Mark Cavendish is a man in a hurry, but he hears the name Niko, and slows down.

You won't see bloody Niko behind you, says Mark Cavendish. He up in the breakaway. Don't do that again.

He speeds up, determined to win.

Well, says David. If that isn't Niko, who is it?

He cranes around to see who it is he's mistaken for Niko.

Watch out, you dickhead! shouts Simon Gerrans. I'm coming through!

Perhaps we should stop for a minute, says David. We don't want to get in the way.

You idiot, says Vello. We do want to get in the way. That's how you win, if you aren't all that fast. Stop worrying about who it is.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales ride up behind them

Hi Vello and David! says Sweezus. We'll take over from here. You two oldies can coast for a bit.

Yeah, coast for a bit, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Hang on, says David. Did you by any chance see someone back there like Niko?

No, he's up the front, where we're headed, says Sweezus. He's awesome. Never touches the ground.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales pick up speed.

Who the devil is it? mutters David. Same age, same build, same style of riding....... but obviously a great deal slower.

Arthur and Unni ride by.

Guess who's back there, shouts Arthur over his shoulder.

Tell me, shouts David.

Arthur shouts something indistinguishable through the noise of the crowd and their infernal bells and clappers.

Something that sounds like ANDROID.

But it couldn't be ANDROID.

Nice Team Time Trials: Treachery And Tumbles

Belle et Bonne is watching the team time trials with Gaius, in Nice.

Are you sorry you're not riding? asks Belle et Bonne.

Of course, says Gaius. But perhaps it is all for the best.

You sound like papa, says Belle et Bonne. Why is it all for the best?

Niko is captain , says Gaius. And how well he's doing!

Everyones's talking, says Belle et Bonne. And not in a good way. They say that he's cheating.

Of course he's cheating, says Gaius. But will he get caught? I don't think so.

I'm sure you don't really mean cheating, says Belle et Bonne. It's just the way that he rides.

Without touching the ground, says Gaius. Yes, it's quite likely it's not in the rule book.

For your sake I hope not, says Belle et Bonne. And for ours.

Yours? says Gaius.

Yes, don't you know? says Belle et Bonne. Our two teams have combined for the time trials.

Great Jupiter, says Gaius. No one told me! Whatever for?

It's fifth over the line, says Belle et Bonne, and both our teams only have four. Look here they are now! Papa, David, Sweezie, Surfing-With-Whales, Arthur and Unni, Niko and Ageless. Don't they look hot!

Some of them do, agrees Gaius. Well I'm certainly out of the loop. Who is supposed to come fifth, do you think they've decided? This could well be a dreadful debacle.

No, no, says Belle et Bonne. It has all been agreed on. Ageless is going to come fifth.

Gaius watches the start of the time trial with renewed interest. Team Provenance-Philosophe is on the road ready to go. Cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un. Allez!

Ageless shoots out in front of Niko, then brakes. Niko falls off on the road. Sweezus, Surfing-With-Whales and Arthur narrowly avoid a tumble. Unni is okay. Vello and David look sour. Off they wobble. Niko gets up, remounts and flies like the wind to catch up.

Orica GreenEDGE goes next. They look lucky.

Ajaccio to Calvi: Nothing But Winning

It's the final stage of the Tour to be ridden in Corsica. Ajaccio to Calvi. And it's a hard one.

The other riders have begun to take notice of Niko.

Alberto Contador is wearing his new yellow glasses. He looks sideways at Niko as Niko flies by in the intermediate sprint.

This man Niko, thinks Alberto. He look like he is flying. Is no good.

Cadel Evans rides up, his legs going like pistons.

Nice glasses Alberto, says Cadel, using psychological warfare.

Pfft, says Alberto. You know you want some.

Cadel pedals past, trying to catch up to Niko.

That Niko, thinks Cadel. He's got to be cheating somehow.

Up comes Mark Cavendish.

Bloody Niko, puffs Mark Cavendish, accidentally out loud.

Yeah? says Cadel. What do you reckon?

Cheating, says Cavendish. But how?

It is no time for talking however. They speed up.

Arthur and Unni are riding behind Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales. It is difficult, coming up to the pass, to pass anyone here.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales don't know who is behind them.

What did you reckon about Arthur? says Surfing-With-Whales.

Sweezus regrets saying anything yesterday.

He puffs harder and pretends he can't possibly speak. Puff puff.

Unni has heard them.

She looks at Arthur.

Why is Surfing-With-Whales asking what Sweezus reckons about him?

But Arthur is looking intensely at Sweezus. Is he or isn't he? Yes. He is wearing the ostrich skin bracelet.

Arthur is gratified. He falls back. So does Unni. Ageless rides up behind them.

Am I or am I not the Captain? says Ageless.

Not, says Arthur.

Who is then? says Ageless.

Niko, says Arthur. He's the fastest.

Ageless  is filled with chagrin. Niko must go, or at least be deposed as the captain.

All these undercurrents are bubbling under the surface as the teams race along to the finish.

Only Peter Sagan and Simon Gerrans are thinking of nothing but winning.

It is a photo finish, in Calvi. And Simon Gerrans has thought of nothing the most.

Bastia to Ajaccio: Pipped Again

It's the second day of the tour, in Corsica. Bastia to Ajaccio.

Ageless is up near the front. Saint Niko is coasting along in the slipstream. Unni and Arthur are riding side by side in the middle of the main peloton.

We peaked too soon yesterday, says Unni. And it was all wasted. Everyone got the same time.

Doesn't matter, says Arthur. We've still got Niko.

We can't depend on Niko, says Unni. He may get disqualified. Did you see how he was riding?

Yes, says Arthur. That's why we'll win.

I'm sure it's illegal, says Unni.

Surfing-With-Wales and Sweezus ride up behind Unni and Arthur, then draw level.

Hi Unni, says Surfing-With-Wales.

Unni doesn't answer.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales draw ahead.

How do you think that went? asks Surfing-With-Whales.

She's not into you, says Sweezus. Believe me I know.

You know? says Surfing-With-Whales. What do you know?

She's into Arthur, says Sweezus. It's obvious.

Yeah but Arthur... says Surfing-With-Whales. He's not into her.

He wasn't, says Sweezus. But now something tells me he might be.

This is news to Surfing-With-Whales, but before he can ask any more questions it is time for the intermediate sprint. He has to speed up and stop talking.

There are also four climbs in the stage.

David and Vello are finding it hard.

Why do we do it? puffs David. Year after year......except last year.

To prove that we can, says Vello.

Is that not ridiculous when examined in the cold light of logic? says David.

How is it ridiculous? says Vello.

It is circular, says David. If we didn't do it there would be no need to prove that we can. Indeed no possibility......

Shut up, David, Says Vello. All this thinking is making you puff. Look there's Belle et Bonne!

Belle et Bonne is standing at the side of the road under a cork oak, holding out a bag.

Vello grabs it.

Thank you darling! he cries.

Good luck papa! Good luck David! cries Belle et Bonne. You can do it!

All I really want to do, says Vello, chewing a Power Bar, is beat Team Provenance. That Niko!

Phew, says David. Me too. That cheater.

.......

That cheater is up in the breakaway peloton, flying along. The race is almost over. It is very exciting.

Will Saint Niko win?

No. Jan Bakelants pips him, by a second.