Are You Dearly Average?

What's wrong with it? asks Terence.

A control crab need not be the strongest, says Kierkegaard.

What then? asks Terence. The meanest?

Nor the meanest, says Kierkegaard. As I understand it, the control crab should ideally be average.

Okay, says Terence. That's the first question. I'll find the crabs.

The crabs have dispersed to various locations.

Alexander-Curly and Alexander-Retro are eyeing the two pieces of Alexander-Times-Roman.

What do you think? says Alexander-Curly. Would it ruin the data?

Maybe not, says Alexander-Retro, but it wouldn't look good.

What wouldn't look good? asks Terence, looming up behind them.

Nothing, says Alexander-Curly.

He may as well know, says Alexander-Retro. He's the one who's responsible.

Yes, says Terence. I am. I have to choose the new control crab.

No one wants that job, says Alexander-Retro.

Why? asks Terence.

Look what happened to the last one, says Alexander-Retro.

Terence looks. But he knows the crab's logic is faulty.

That was BEFORE the experiment started, says Terence. It's not counted.

Go on, says Alexander-Curly. Keep talking.

Question one, says Terence. Who's the strongest?

He has forgotten that this was deemed a daft question.

The one who eats Alexander-Times-Roman, says Alexander-Curly. One or ones, I should say. We were both contemplating it. But we have reservations.

Why do you need reservations? asks Terence. You're already here.

Reservations about eating our dead friend, says Alexander-Curly. The contents of his stomach in particular.

Yuck, says Terence.

Because, adds Alexander-Retro, that could blow out the percentage of microplastics in OUR stomachs.

Spew! says Terence. Spew-double spew! And guess what?

What? asks Alexander-Curly.

There's another question, says Terence. Are you dearly average?

The two crabs look at one another.

No one likes to think they are dearly average.

No, says Alexander-Retro.

Nor me, says Alexander-Curly.

Good, then you're out, says Terence.

He goes back to tell Kierkegaard the results of his questions.