Redeeming Bad Science

Surely all is not lost? says Kierkegaard. Can't the seawater be recovered?

Not the drops on the floor, says Gaius.

How about soaking them up with a tea towel? asks Kierkegaard.

What about the microplastics which would be unavoidably caught up in the tea towel? asks Gaius.

Surely a negligible amount, says Kierkegaard.

Nonetheless, bad science, says Gaius.

I know! says Terence. Alexander-Retro can drink it.

Who would have thought that Terence would come up with a sensible suggestion?

That's a sensible suggestion, says Gaius. But he has settled in the salad bowl. He may take some persuading.

I'm not DEAF, says Alexander-Retro.

Good, says Terence. Get out and drink the spilled water.

I'm not deaf and not reckless, says Alexander-Retro.

What does that mean, not reckless? asks Terence.

Reckless means doing things without regard to the consequences, says Gaius. Ask him what he fears?

I'm NOT DEAF! says Alexander-Retro.

Let me try, says Kierkegaard. Alexander-Retro, what is it you fear?

Thanks for asking, says Alexander-Retro. I fear contamination.

There you are, says Kierkegaard. He fears contamination. No doubt from your less than clean floor

Yes, all right, says Gaius. A reasonable fear.

Thank you, says Alexander-Retro. May I offer a suggestion?

Please do, says Gaius.

Allow Terence to tip Curly and Groovy into the other two salad bowls, taking note of the spillage. Then calculate the amount of microplastics needed to make the seawater up to the same composition as the original mixture. Then make it up, add it to our salad bowls, and Bob's your uncle.

Whose uncle? asks Terence.

An expression we crabs use, says Alexander-Retro.

What a fiddle, says Gaius. But we have little choice.

And while you're making up the various solutions, says Alexander-Retro, you might consider making up a bit extra, the new bowls being bigger...

Gaius sighs. That would mean making up extra for Alexander-Red-Hook and Alexander-Yellowsun. And what if they then demand salad bowls? That is quite likely.....

He looks at Kierkegaard.

Kierkegaard tries to think of a suitable aphorism....to dare is to... the most painful state of being is... life can only... no, none of these seems quite right in the circumstances.

Let us humour the crabs, says Kierkegaard.

Straight to the point. That's a good one.