When Frog Isn't The Answer

Final competition, says Graceful. The riddles.

Yay! says Terence. Come here, team.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus hop over to Terence.

We can win this, says Terence. Do your best riddles.

Okay, says Quiet-Tartus. Check this out.

He hops over to Graceful. 

Shall I go first? asks Quiet-Tartus.

If you're ready, says Graceful. Attention everyone! First riddle.

I can fly, but I'm not a helicopter, says Quiet-Tartus. What am I?

Can anyone answer? asks Wittgenstein.

They can try, says Graceful.

An aeroplane, says Wittgenstein.

Wrong! says Quiet-Tartus.

Good, says Graceful. The more wrong answers you get, the better the riddle.

A frog, says Terence.

Don't YOU guess! says Graceful.

I just gave him another wrong answer, says Terence.

I can't be a frog, says Quiet-Tartus. It has to be a sensible wrong answer.

Something that flies, says Gaius. Make use of the information.

I'm not allowed to, says Terence.

Can I try? asks Katherine. Are you a bird, by any chance?

No, says Quiet-Tartus. That's three wrong answers. 

Can we try? ask the ninjas.

I suppose so, says Graceful. 

Are you a bee? asks a ninja.

YES! says Quiet-Tartus.

Very good, says Graceful. Who will go next?

Me, says the ninja who got the right answer.

Go for it, says Graceful.

I catch flies, but I'm not a spider, says the ninja. What am I?

Are you sure you want to ask that? says Graceful.

He doesn't want to, says the second ninja.

Why don't I? asks the first ninja.

Too easy, says the second.

Only if you think you know the answer, says the first ninja. Do you think I'm a frog?

This is a tricky one, says Terence. He IS a frog, but frog isn't the answer.

Who said it isn't? says the first ninja.

You, says Terence.

The first ninja realises that Terence is right.

He waits for someone to come up with another answer. 

A magpie, says Gaius. Or a swallow. Or maybe a martin.

No, says the first ninja. That's three wrong answers.

Sticky fly paper, says Wittgenstein.

The first ninja decides sticky fly paper will have to be right.

Repetition Repetition

Now for the judging, says Graceful. Who votes for number one?

(Number one was Quiet-Tartus, with gree-uh gree-uh etc)

Me, says Terence.

Me, says Gaius.

That's two votes for number one, says Graceful. Who votes for number two?

(Number two was a ninja, ruuurk, ruurk)

Me, says Wittgenstein. 

Me, says Letitia.

Two votes for number two, says Graceful. Is anyone writing this down?

I'll do it, says Katherine.

She takes a small notebook from her raincoat pocket.

Torch? says Katherine.

Here you are, says Letitia.

Who votes for number three? asks Graceful.

(Number three, the second ninja).

Can we hear it again? asks Wittgenstein.

No, sorry, says Graceful.

Not me then, says Wittgenstein.

You've voted already, says Gaius.

But they were the same, says Wittgenstein.

Same noise, different frog, says Letitia.

Anyone? asks Graceful.

Me, says Roo-kai.

And lastly, says Graceful, who votes for number four?

Me, says Katherine.

Now, please add up the scores, says Graceful.  

Three all , says Katherine. Assuming the middle two contestants were ninjas.

We were, say the ninjas.

All that for nothing, says Graceful. 

Were your eyes closed? asks Gaius.

Yes, they were, says Graceful.

Then you have the deciding vote, says Gaius.

Too late, says Letitia. The ninjas revealed their position.

Another draw! says Terence. This is BORING.

I could have told you it would be, says Graceful. Now if Emerald and Common were here, we'd have a real competition.

We are here, says Emerald. We've been listening.

Do your noises, says Terence.

Scrook...scrook... scrook... skrook, goes Graceful.

Crark, crark, crark, goes Emerald Spotted.

Donk... donk.. donk, goes Green Common.

How wonderful! says Letitia. Would you all mind doing it again. I'd love to record it.

The frogs don't mind in the slightest. They do it again.

Best Noise Competition

Ready for contest three? asks Graceful.

Ninjas and Tarti indicate they are ready.

How will you run this? asks Gaius. Who should judge the best noise?

How about him? says Graceful, pointing at Wittgenstein.

What's this? says Wittgenstein.

We're up to Best Noises, says Gaius. Are you capable of judging which team is superior?

I don't know, says Wittgenstein. What constitutes a good noise? And what makes one better?

I know! says Terence.

You may know, says Graceful, but you won't be judging.

How about we all vote? says Letitia.

There'll still be a bias, says Graceful.

Against us, says one ninja. 

A blind vote, says Gaius.

Okay, says Graceful. Is everyone happy?

Yes, everyone is happy.

Judges, close your eyes, says Graceful.

Gaius, Wittgenstein, Katherine, Terence, Letitia and Roo-kai close their eyes.

So does Graceful.

First contestant! announces Graceful.

Several competing frog noise are heard.

One at a time! says Graceful, keeping her eyes closed. Draw lots or something. 

No need, says Quiet-Tartus. I'll point to one of us at random.

He points to himself.

After a short interval, he makes the first noise:

Gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh.... 

He stops, and points to a ninja.

Ruuuurk ruuurk ruurk ruurk ruurk .... goes the ninja.

Quiet-Tartus points to the second ninja.

Ruuuurk ruuurk ruurk ruurk ruurk..... goes the second ninja.

They sounded exactly the same, says Wittgenstein. 

Are you LOOKING? asks Graceful.

No of course not, says Wittgenstein.

The point is to judge between Screamers and Bleaters, says Katherine. Obviously we have just heard two Bleaters. Or two Screamers. Members of the same species would naturally sound the same.

Correct, says Letitia.

No more interruptions! says Graceful. There is one more contestant to listen to.

Shorty-Tartus knows this is his one chance to shine.

He inflates his yellow vocal sac almost to bursting.

He will out-do his team mate, Quiet-Tartus, and be the winner.

Gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh.....

He tried. But it sounded the same.

Knocked Out Wrong

Is it over? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Yes, says Terence. You can stop being a stone now.

The Tarti uncurl themselves, readjusting their feathers.

The Slender Bleating ninjas slide down from the tree.

Now for competition two, says Graceful. The boxing.

Will it be two against two? asks one of the ninjas.

Graceful looks at Gaius. 

What do you think?

Run two boxing matches concurrently, says Gaius. There's plenty of room.

Okay, says Graceful. 

Quiet-Tartus pairs up with one of the ninjas, and Shorty-Tartus pairs up with the other.

Go! says Graceful.

Quiet-Tartus makes a quick jab at his ninja.

His ninja hops sideways.

Shorty-Tartus, seeing what's happened, tries a hook.

His ninja anticipates this.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus try a series of jabs, crosses, hooks and uppercuts, but each time, their ninjas avoid them.

Sometimes the ninjas hop sideways. 

Sometimes they rise.

Sometimes they appear to have vanished, momentarily. Glowing eyes peer down at the Tarti.

Hey, says Terence. It's not fair. They're not fighting.

Heeee-ya! cries a ninja, dropping onto Quiet-Tartus.

Heee-ya! cries the other, dropping onto Shorty-Tartus.

Both Tarti recieve sharp blows to the back of the head.

They tumble over, in a flux of loose feathers.

Bumhole! We lose, says Terence. Bad luck team.

Wait, says Graceful. Ninjas, roll up your costumes!

The ninjas obey her.

I thought so, says Graceful. You have both dropped onto the wrong opponent. You're disqualified.

Yay! says Terence. That means we win.

No, it doesn't, says Graceful. Your team is also disqualified. 

What for? asks Terence.

For being knocked out by the wrong opponent, says Graceful.

A bit strict, don't you think? says Gaius.

Strict but fair, says Graceful. How are they? Should we check for concussion?

Shorty and Quiet are recovering. They stagger to their feet and rearrange their feathers.

We are fine, says Quiet-Tartus. Bring on the next contest.

Luckily, the next competition is: Best Noises.

Even a frog with potential concussion has a good chance at that.   

The Eternal Life Of The Impartial Philosopher

First competition! says Graceful. Are you ready?

Ready, say the Slender Bleating ninjas.

Ready! say the Tarti.

Go! says Graceful.

The ninjas race up a tree.

Watch out! cries Terence. They went up that tree!

No helping, says Graceful.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus raise their fists at the base of the tree.

Nothing happens.

Don't relax, says Terence.

We aren't, says Shorty-Tartus. But what are they doing?

Wood technique, Tanuki-gakure, says Graceful. Hiding up a tree. You need to counter.

Okay, says Quiet-Tartus, Time out please.

Twenty seconds, says Graceful.

Quiet-Tartus consults Terence.

What counter-moves should we use?

Follow them up the tree and punch them, says Terence.

Not in these feathers, says Quiet-Tartus.

Start a fire to distract them, says Terence.

I heard that, says Letitia. Not allowed. Also not possible in this drizzle.

Where on earth did you get that idea, Terence? asks Katherine.

Arthur, says Terence.

Time's up, says Graceful. Resume the fighting.

Any suggestions? asks Shorty-Tartus.

You're asking me? says Graceful.

Yes, says Shorty-Tartus. 

You could try Uzura-gakure, says Graceful.

Which is? asks Quiet-Tartus.

Earth technique. Curl up into a ball and remain motionless in order to appear like a stone, says Graceful.

Do it! says Terence.

Quiet and Shorty do it.

Who wins? asks Terence.

Who's the judge? asks Graceful. It should be someone impartial.

Me, says Terence.

Not you, says Graceful. Aren't you their manager?

Him, says Terence, pointing at Wittgenstein.

Good choice. Wittgenstein has been thinking philosophical thoughts and not focussing.

What is it? asks Wittgenstein.

What do you think? asks Terence.

If we take eternity to mean timelessness, eternal life belongs to those who live in the present, says Wittgenstein.

Ha ha, laughs Gaius. No eternal life for you then.

Very funny, says Wittgenstein. What's been happening?

Gaius explains the ninja contest so far.

The ninja team is camouflaging up a tree while the tarti are lurking below them, appearing as stones, says Gaius. You are elected to judge the winner.

Wittgenstein assesses the situation.

The contest has become non-dynamic, says Wittgenstein. 

Therefore I judge it a draw.

Two Slender Black Shadows

 Five minutes elapse.

Where are they? asks Terence.

Listen, says Quiet-Tartus. 

Everyone listens.

They hear a short high-pitched bleating.

Sheep! says Terence.

Better not be, says Quiet-Tartus. Sheep are easy-beats!

The bleating gets louder. 

Graceful tree frog runs gracefully down the trunk of a tree.

They're coming, says Graceful They just needed to get ready.

Why did they need to get ready? asks Shorty-Tartus.

They know you have feathers, says Graceful.

Do they know it's a costume? asks Quiet-Tartus.

They do, says Graceful. They want to look equally fearsome.

How many are there? aske Terence.

Just two, says Graceful. Here they are now.

Two slender black shadows leap down from a tree.

Heeee-ya!

Yikes! says Quiet-Tartus. 

Ninja costumes! says Shorty-Tartus.

They might not be them, says Terence.

We are them! says one of the slender ninjas.

Gaius steps out from behind a tree, where he has been observing.

May I interrupt the proceedings? asks Gaius.

What for? asks Graceful. 

These frogs are covered from head to toe in black garments, says Gaius. Our two frogs have come here in good faith. They wear only feathers. May I ask on behalf of our team that your ninjas reveal their bodies, before recommencing.

Ninjas never reveal their bodies! bleats one of the ninjas.

Then the contest is off, says Gaius.

The Slender Bleating ninjas consult with one another in whispers.

Slowly they roll up their costumes, revealing slender bodies with light brown backs, a wide longitudinal stripe down the middle, cream coloured bellies and black vocal sacs.

They roll them down again.

They are definitely them, says Letitia.

We said that, says one of the ninjas. Now to compete!

Wait, says Terence. You can't just do ninja fighting.

Why not? asks a ninja.

Because my team only does boxing, says Terence.

We don't know boxing, says the ninja. 

It's like punching, says Terence.

How about a series of contests? says Graceful. Like one, ninja fighting, two, boxing, three, making the best noises, and four.....ummm

Riddles! says Terence.

Both teams agree this is fair.

 

Emerald, Graceful And Common

 Let us now move things along a bit.

The pumpkin soup has been made and then eaten.

No one has complained.

Letitia has picked them up in the university Toyota.

Gaius and Katherine sit in the front with Letitia.

Wittgenstein, Terence, Roo-kai and the frogs in the back.

Also several bamboo pipes, a drill, a few nails and a hammer.

They drive for an hour, speaking mainly of frogs.

It is still raining, but not heavily.

Letitia stops. 

Here we are, says Letitia. 

Finally! says Terence. Where's the enemy?

The Slender Bleaters are not the enemy, says Gaius.

The opposition, says Quiet-Tartus.

We may not find any Slender Bleating tree frogs tonight, says Letitia. We'll soon see.

She turns on her torch.

They follow her to a tree nailed to which is a bamboo pipe frog trap.

Oh look! says Letitia, an Emerald Spotted!

The Emerald Spotted tree frog is perched at the top of the pipe trap, keeping a lookout.

It ducks down inside.

Froggy scramblings are heard.

There's more than one in there, says Letitia.

May I see? asks Gaius.

Letitia gives him the torch.

Unhook it, says Letitia. 

Gaius unhooks the tree pipe and upends it.

Careful! says Letitia.

Three frogs fall out, in a shower of water.

They are not all the same.

One is a Common Green tree frog, one is the Emerald Spotted, and the third is a Graceful.

Unusual to see them together, says Gaius.

What dear little creatures, says Katherine. 

They remind me of a book mark I was once given, says Wittgenstein. One of those 3D ones. But now I think about it, that one had orange eye rings.

That would have been an Orange-eyed tree frog, says Letitia.

I'm not surprised to hear it, says Wittgenstein.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus hop towards the three exposed tree frogs.

Gurk! Gurk! 

Do not be alarmed, says Quiet-Tartus. We are fellow tree frogs.

Pull the other one, says Emerald Spotted. You've got feathers.

We can take them off, says Quiet-Tartus. We almost did, before we came out, but in the end we decided to keep them on in case we met with Slender Bleaters.

Is that why you're here? asks Graceful.

Yes, says Shorty-Tartus. I don't suppose you've seen any.

O heaps, says Graceful.

Corker! says Letitia. 

Why do you want to meet them? asks Common Green.

Competition, says Quiet-Tartus. We were thought to be the same species, until recently, but now we are thought not to be, so it's important.

That doesn't make sense, says Graceful. We three aren't the same species, and we've never had a competition.

Well, that's not quite true, says Common.

Not a formal competition, says Emerald.

That's what we want, says Quiet-Tartus.

What FUN! says Graceful. How about we start in five minutes? We'll round up a few Slender Bleaters, and meet you back here.

Yay! says Terence. It's happening!

This is a sudden development.

Letitia can hardly believe it

You Can't Hurt An Onion

Now to sort out the sleeping arrangements, says Gaius.

I'll take the couch, says Wittgenstein. It looks reasonably comfortable.

That is kind of you, says Gaius. Katherine, that means you can have one of the beds.

And you the other one, says Katherine.

What about me? asks Terence.

You don't need one, says Gaius.

I need somewhere to put things, says Terence.

Here is a place, says Gaius, indicating a bookcase.

What things? asks Katherine.

Terence turns out his pockets.

This medal, says Terence. And the frogs need to take off their feathers.

We MIGHT, says Shorty-Tartus.

We'll be going out this evening after dinner, says Gaius. Letitia has offered to show us her pipe traps.

Am I coming? asks Terence.

If you keep quiet, says Gaius. There'll be no frogs in the frog traps if loud footsteps scare them away.

I'd better get a move on with cooking that pumpkin, says Katherine. I won't do the emu tonight.

Yay! says Terence. She's not doing the emu.

Only because it take hours, says Katherine. We might have it tomorrow.

Tough, is it? asks Wittgenstein.

Long slow cooking is recommended, says Katherine. The pumpkin breaks down into the gravy. Even people who dont like pumpkin, say they love it done this way.

How do you know? asks Wittgenstein.

I read all about it, says Katherine. But tonight, we'll have plain pumpkin soup. It's much quicker. Now where is that onion?

Here, says Quiet-Tartus. 

He tosses it to Katherine. She fails to catch it, and it drops to the floor.

Never mind, you can't hurt an onion, says Katherine.

She heads out to look for the kitchen.

Letitia is there.

I've already cut it in half, says Letitia. I hope you don't mind.

The two halves of pumpkin sit on the chopping board, side by side.

They weep transparent sticky droplets, at one another.

We'll keep one half for the emu dish tomorrow, says Katherine. That's if I ever do it.

So, it's plain pumpkin soup tonight, says Letitia.

Yes, says Katherine. But at least I have an onion.

Letitia takes the onion and chops it in two.

It is brown in the middle.

Could this be the result of my dropping it? asks Katherine.

When did you drop it? asks Letitia.

Just now, says Katherine. One of the frogs threw it towards me, and I missed.

Then no, says Letitia. It was probably like that already. 

She winkles out the brown middle parts with her knife.

Coming on the night walk? asks Letitia.

Yes, says Katherine. Let's hope the rain eases.

Wear a raincoat, says Letitia. How much do you know about frogs?

Not a great deal, says Katherine. Gaius is the expert. He even went to Riobamba seeking the Andean marsupial tree frog.

Woo! The one with the dorsal pouch, says Letitia. Hey, are you crying?

No it's just this onion, says Katherine. And yes, now I think of it, he's also done research on the Baw Baw.

Who Is The Stronger?

I'll show you the room first, says Letitia.

Lovely, says Katherine. Terence can settle in.

But I want to help with the cooking, says Terence.

We'll see, says Katherine.

What about the frogs? asks Letitia. Do they have special requirements?

They have to practise, says Terence.

Practise what? asks Letitia.

Fighting, says Terence. When they meet their cousins.

Cousins? asks Letitia.

Oh, says Katherine. They aren't really cousins. Gaius has brought these frogs for some sort of comparison.

May we speak for ourselves? asks Quiet-Tartus.

Certainly, says Katherine. 

Shorty and me are a team, says Quiet-Tartus. We want to meet the Slender Bleaters, and see who's the stronger.

Your name is Shorty? says Letitia. 

I'm shorter than him, says Shorty-Tartus.

And what's your name? asks Letitia.

Quiet-Tartus, says Quiet-Tartus.

Don't you mean quiritatus? says Letitia.

No, says Terence. He can say his own name.

Sorry, says Letitia. We're nearly at the room now. 

In fact, they are at it. Letitia knocks on the door.

Gaius opens.

Come in! says Gaius. It's small but cosy. And there are only two beds, but we'll overcome that.

Katherine dumps the pumpkin on one of the beds.

The pumpkin knows better than to get comfy.

Ah, the famous pumpkin! says Gaius. Ludwig has been puzzling over what he should say to it.

Wittgenstein looks sheepish.

Okay, says Letitia. I'll let you all settle in. Will the parrot need anything?

Roo-kai is delighted.

Someone has asked about him!

Perhaps you could get your hands on some molluscs? says Gaius.

Any bivalve at all would be fine, says Roo-kai.

I'll check in the kitchen, says Letitia. 

Take the pumpkin, will you dear, save me carrying it? says Katherine.

Sure, says Letitia, picking up the pumpkin.

That's me done, thinks the pumpkin.

A True Gift To Science

Katherine arrives shortly after.

With Terence, Roo-kai and a large plastic shopping bag, she climbs up the stairs.

Professor Murray has been waiting.

You must be Katherine, says Professor Murray. Welcome to the University of Southern Queensland.

Thank you, says Katherine. 

And who are these? asks Professor Murray.

This is Terence, says Katherine. He....

I used to live on a palace, says Terence. 

That explains your outward appearance, says Professor Murray.

And this is my parrot, Roo-kai, says Terence.

Professor Murray can see that Roo-kai is not an actual parrot. But he does not say so. 

Welcome, says Professor Murray. I hope, Katherine, that you won't find it too cramped in one room with your colleagues, this infant and bird. Not to mention the frogs. I understand they are with you?

Yes! says Terence. They're in this bag of Romeo's.

Katherine opens the bag.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus are revealed, perched on a pumpkin, with their emu feathers attached to their rubber waistbands.

Professor Murray is mildly surprised. But not as surprised as he would have been had the frogs grown real feathers.

We are not Romeos, says Quiet-Tartus. This bag was our upside down nest until recently, when it was required for a pumpkin.

Now Professor Murray is truly surprised.

They speak English! says Professor Murray. This alone warrants a scientific paper.

I'm sure it does, says Katherine. 

I'll just buzz Letitia, says Professor Murray.

He does so.

Letitia appears at the door.

Letitia, this is Katherine... err

Hume, says Katherine. 

Pleased to meet you, says Letitia. Hey, you've got the same name as David Hume's mother.

I am David Hume's mother, says Katherine.

Wow! says Letitia. 

I did not know that, says Professor Murray. I have long admired David Hume.

Whereas I must admit I have not, says Katherine. He is too into bicycles, these days.

Nevertheless, says Professor Murray. His ideas on empiricism were a true gift to science.

Is there a kitchen? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Letitia. Do you want to drop off that pumpkin?

I do, says Katherine. If I may avail myself, I'd like to try out a dish for which I have the recipe, Baked Emu and Crushed Pumpkin.

Sounds delicious, says Professor Murray. 

If it turns out, I'll invite you to try it, says Katherine.

Not me, says Letitia. I wouldn't eat emu.

Me either, says Terence. Especially Snowy. 

It's not Snowy, says Katherine. Snowy was alive when we left him.

No, it can't be Snowy, says Shorty-Tartus. 

Okay, says Terence. But it might be...

NO! says Katherine. Not Lunar Moon either!

Roo-kai looks at the pumpkin. 

The pumpkin exhibits an air of dejection.

All this fuss about eating an emu.

But what about him?

I Was Set A Mad Puzzle

Gaius and Wittgenstein are to meet with Professor Murray.

They go up some stairs. 

Mr Secundus? says Professor Murray, coming out of his office.

Call me Gaius, says Gaius. Everyone does.

And you must be Ludwig Wittgenstein, says Professor Murray.

Boo! says Wittgenstein.

Professor Murray is startled, but tries not to show it.

He's a philosopher, says Gaius. He sometimes comes up with strange utterances.

Wittgenstein realises he needs to be in the present. 

Yes, says Wittgenstein. Apologies. I was set a mad puzzle.

Of an existential nature? enquires Professor Murray.

Hardly, says Wittgenstein, What would you say to a pumpkin?

I do like a good pumpkin, says Professor Murray. In fact I grow them myself. There is an art to it, especially these days, when there are not enough bees.

Perhaps we took Katherine too literally, says Gaius. 

Ha ha, laughs Professor Murray. Now I understand why Mr Wittgenstein said Boo!

I don't, says Gaius.

Halloween! says Professor Murray. Am I correct in my supposition?

You are correct, says Wittgenstein. But, on second thoughts, I don't think it's the answer.

Of course it isn't the answer! says Gaius. We misunderstood the question.

Am I to understand that this Katherine you speak of is bringing a pumpkin? asks Professor Murray.

I believe she is, says Gaius. She is also bringing the two Screaming Tree frogs I spoke of. Interestingly, she claims they've acquired feathers.

I should like to see that, says Professor Murray. Aha! here is Letitia. She is one of the PhD students, involved in the tree pipe trap project.

Hello, says Letitia. 

Please show these gentlemen to their room, says Professor Murray. I understand their colleague, Katherine, will be arriving shortly with two frogs and a pumpkin. When she arrives, I'll give you a buzz. 

Great, says Letitia. Follow me, guys.

Gaius and Ludwig follow Letitia.

Why a pumpkin? asks Letitia. 

We know not, says Gaius.

What would you say to pumpkin? asks Wittgenstein.

Seems he can't let this go.

I would ask it a riddle, says Letitia. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Wittgenstein has always liked geometry. He comes up with the answer.

Pumpkin Pi.

The Theoretical Pumpkin

Katherine's phone rings.

She pulls over.

Gaius? 

Yes, it's me, says Gaius. Are you in Toowoomba?

Not yet, says Katherine. I made a few stops on the way.

Never mind, says Gaius. Good news. We've been offered a room in a residential college.

A room? says Katherine. One room?

Yes, says Gaius. That's all the university would run to. It's a share room.

Wonderful, says Katherine. It will be just like camping. What do you say to a pumpkin?

Is this a riddle? asks Gaius. I'll ask Ludwig. Ludwig, what do you say to a pumpkin?

I have no idea, says Ludwig's voice, in the back ground.

Tell him not to waste too much time puzzling, says Katherine.

Why, what is the answer? asks Gaius. 

I have bought a pumpkin, says Katherine.

Is that supposed to be funny? asks Gaius. Does it continue?

No, you misunderstand me, says Katherine. Do you like pumpkin soup?

A cruel thing to ask a pumpkin, says Gaius.

If you think that, says Katherine, I shall not ask the next question.

You may, says Gaius. I'm sure the theoretical pumpkin will not be offended.

Would you object to Baked Emu? says Katherine.

You stopped at Emu Heaven! says Gaius. We wagered you would.

I did, says Katherine. Terence and Roo-kai enjoyed meeting the emus. 

Very nice, says Gaius. 

And the frogs collected some fighting feathers, says Katherine.

I see you are changing the subject, says Gaius. Yes, the frogs are the reason for us being offered the room. Professor Murray was most interested to meet them. 

I'll be in Toowomba soon, says Katherine. Where are you exactly?

University of Southern Queensland, West Street, Darling Heights, says Gaius. How soon?

Fifteen minutes, says Katherine. See you there.

Indeed, says Gaius. But wait! What was that about fighting feathers?

Too late. Katherine has ended the call, and started the engine.

We have a room in a university college, says Katherine. 

Yay! says Terence. Is it a frog-learning college?

A good question, that shows your intelligence, says Katherine. Yes, I suppose so.

Meanwhile, in the Mazda, Ludwig is still puzzling over what he might say to a pumpkin.

Who It Was And Who It Wasn't

The next town is Gatton, the Salad Bowl of Queensland.

Katherine learns this from a sign.

It sets her off thinking again about the emu neck soup she had planned to abandon.

What was that recipe?

Baked Emu and Crushed Pumpkin. The picture looked nice.

And what a waste, should she not use the meat cuts.

Gatton.

There will surely be pumpkins.

She stops in the main street.

Yay! Are we there? asks Terence.

No, just a quick stop in Gatton to look for a pumpkin, says Katherine.

She gets out of the Rio, and goes into Spano's.

What does she want a pumpkin for? asks Terence.

Who knows? says Roo-kai. She may be rethinking the soup.

Pumpkin soup? asks Terence.

She might put the emu meat in it, says Roo-kai. So it's not wasted.

She can't! cries Terence. It might be Snowy or Loonymoon! 

That it could not be, says Roo-kai.

How do YOU know? wails Terence.

Even WE know, says Quiet-Tartus.

It's all in the timing, says Shorty-Tartus. Like boxing.

He throws a frog punch. His emu plumes sway and flutter.

It would look alarming. 

If you were a frog.

Think, Terence, says Roo-kai. We were talking to Snowy and Lunar Moon, while Katherine was inside Emu Heaven. 

Then she came out, says Terence.

And the meat was already wrapped up, says Roo-kai. Therefore it could not have been them.

No it couldn't, says Quiet-Tartus. 

I'm supposed to say that, says Terence.

Say it then, says Shorty-Tartus.

No, says Terence. 

Of course, it would have been some emu or other, says Roo-kai.

Terence says nothing.

But they wouldn't chop up the albinos, says Roo-kai. They are too special.

And probably too low in iron, says Shorty-Tartus.

Exactly, says Roo-kai. Happy, Terence?

Katherine comes back with a pumpkin, two onions and a clove of garlic.

I'm not too sure I'll use the garlic, says Katherine.

(That's because she is Scottish).

Striking Terror Into Their Noses

How do we look? asks Quiet-Tartus.

Can't see you, says Terence.

The frogs straighten up.

They are each holding three emu feathers.

Were you hiding? asks Terence.

No, says Shorty-Tartus. Collecting.

They sell those feathers, inside, says Katherine. I don't think you should keep them.

Let them, says Roo-kai.

What are they for? asks Terence. Cushions?

Fighting, says Quiet-Tartus. Now we need belts.

Come on, says Katherine. We must be on our way to Toowoomba.

They all head to the car.

Katherine puts her bag on the passenger seat. 

Terence, Roo-kai and the frogs are again in the back.

The frogs' plastic shopping bag nest is now fringed with feathers.

If you wanted feathers, says Roo-kai, I could have provided.

Not like these, says Shorty-Tartus. These plumes will strike terror into the hearts of our cousins.

You think? says Roo-kai.

I do, says Terence. Or maybe their noses.

Terror into their noses? says Roo-kai.

When they sneeze, says Terence.

More likely Quiet and Shorty will be doing the sneezing, says Roo-kai.

Achoo! says Terence.

Was that a real sneeze or an example? asks Roo-kai.

An example, says Terence.

We will need belts, says Shorty-Tartus. Any ideas?

Rubber bands , says Katherine, I have a few in my bag. Come through to the front, Roo-kai, and find them.

Roo-kai squeezes through to the front.

The bag is still gaping open and the first thing he sees is the meat cuts.

Why did you buy emu meat cuts, Katherine, if you don't mind me asking?

I now wish I hadn't, says Katherine. 

That doesn't answer my question, says Roo-kai.

I thought I might make a nourishing soup with the neck bones, says Katherine.

But you are on holiday, says Roo-kai.

Yes, says Katherine, but when the boys arrive in the camper.... says Katherine. I imagined myself doing it.

And now, says Roo-kai.

I have gone off the project, says Katherine. Have you found those rubber bands yet?

Roo-kai delves deeper. He finds two rubber bands.

He wonders what Katherine uses her rubber bands for.

Never mind. He has asked enough questions.

He hops through to the back with the rubber bands and helps the frogs into them.

Terence helps stick the plumes in.

The effect is quite good.

Grunk-eh! Grunk-eh!

Hello emus, says Terence.

The emus ignore him.

Hello, comrades, says Roo-kai.

A proper visitor! 

The emus crowd over.

Welcome to Emu Heaven, says one of the emus, a white one.

Woop, says Terence. How come you're a white one?

I was born white, says the white emu. My name is Snowy.

He is answering Terence's question, but looking at Roo-kai.

Roo-kai, says Roo-kai.

See that little one over there? says Snowy. That's Luna Moon. She, too, is an albino.

Several other brown emus nod in the direction of the little albino.

She is cute, with blue eyes and pink beak, legs and feet.

Whereas Snowy, who also has blue eyes, has purple appendages.

Do they treat you kindly, here? asks Roo-kai.

O yes, says Snowy. Very kindly. 

Katherine comes out of Emu Heaven with her purchases.

She sees Terence and Roo-kai with the emus and hurries across.

Any interesting characters? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Roo-kai. This is Snowy.

Grunk, says Snowy.

And Loonymoon, says Terence. Over there.

O how darling, says Katherine.

Lunar Moon comes over. Grunk!

The brown emus titter. Grunk-eh! Grunk-eh! 

Katherine puts her bag down. It gapes open.

Snowy and Lunar Moon can see what's inside.

Golden Emu Oil capsules.

Emu fan fillets, and neck bones.

Roo-kai tries to distract them.

But there is no need. They are wandering away.

I don't think they liked me, says Katherine. 

She realises that her bag has gaped open.

O I could kick myself, says Katherine. They must have seen the meat cuts.

Doubtless, says Roo-kai. Shall we get going?

Yes, says Katherine.

Wait! says Terence. The frogs came with us. Where are they?

I hope they didn't slip under the fence, says Katherine. I hear emus eat anything.

What! cries Terence. Quiet-Tartus! Shorty-Tartus! Where are you?

A pile of emu feathers answers.

Here.

Flouncing In Emu Heaven

Katherine places the gift-wrapped bottle on the back seat, between Terence and the Tarti.

Keep it upright, says Katherine.

Is it David's present? asks Terence.

Yes, says Katherine. Beenleigh Rum.

We know who made it, says Terence.

Who used to make it, says Roo-kai.

What are you talking about? asks Katherine, turning onto the highway.

Captain Stewart, says Terence.

We met him outside, says Roo-kai. He knew Ageless.

Oh, a lobster, says Katherine.

In a sea captain's hat, says Terence.

Where was he? asks Katherine. I didn't see him.

Behind a barrel, says Roo-kai.

What a pity I missed him, says Katherine. We might have chatted.

We chatted, says Terence.

I can imagine, says Katherine.

Okay, says Terence. But Roo-kai chatted.

Next time you meet someone interesting, says Katherine, tell me.

We weren't allowed out, says Terence.

But you got out, says Katherine. So you might as well have told me.

He seemed reticent, says Roo-kai. He slipped back behind the barrel.

Poor thing, says Katherine. 

She stops asking questions, and concentrates on the highway.

A large sign goes by.

Emu Heaven.

She slows down. 

Emu Heaven, says Roo-kai. Are we stopping?

Yay! says Terence. 

Not again, sigh the Tarti, who are eager to get to Toowoomba.

Just a quick stop, says Katherine. I'd like to have a look at their products.

She turns in, to Emu Heaven. Stops, gets out of the Rio,  goes inside.

There she browses the Golden Emu Oil Capsules, the Elegance Eye Gel, The Pet Shampoo and the meat cuts.

Let's get out, says Terence. This is boring. And if we meet an interesting character we won't get into trouble.

We're coming this time, says Quiet-Tartus.

So Terence opens the front door of the Rio and out they all tumble.

Close by, they see emus in an enclosure, flouncing.

So that's where they go.

 

Do You Miss The Old Life?

Katherine turns in at the Beenleigh Rum Distillery.

I won't be too long, says Katherine.

She seems too long to Terence.

Let's get out of the car and look around, says Terence.

How can we? ask the Tarti.

Not you guys, says Terence. Me and Roo-kai.

Terence climbs through to the front and opens the door of the vehicle.

He and Roo-kai get out.

That was easy, says Terence.

They walk around the red buildings. 

Mind how you go, lads, says a raspy voice, next to a barrel.

Did that barrel talk? asks Terence.

No, the voice came from behind it, says Roo-kai.

Because I am behind it, says the raspy voice.

It sounds like Ageless, says Terence.

A wizened lobster in a captain's hat emerges from the back of the barrel.

Blow me! Do you lads know Ageless?

I do, says Terence.

How is the old scoundrel? asks the lobster.

Old, says Terence.

I thought so, says the wizened old lobster. When you see him, tell him Captain Stewart of the SS Walrus asked after him.

And that's you? asks Roo-kai.

Aye, aye, says Captain Stewart.

What are you doing this far inland? asks Roo-kai.

I might ask you the same, says Captain Stewart.

I'm an honorary parrot, says Roo-kai. I am travelling with the infant Terence, and two frogs, who are planning a contest with their cousins in Toowoomba, if we can find them.

Romeos, says Terence.

Captain Stewart does not bat an eyelid.

And not just because he hasn't got one.

He is used to tall stories.

As for me, says Captain Stewart, I like to keep an eye on my still. I sold it many years ago to the Beenleigh Distillery.

What is a still? asks Roo-kai. 

It makes rum out of sugar cane, says Captain Stewart. In those days it was illegal. I sailed up and down the coast in the Walrus, stopping at different plantations.

Do you miss the old life? asks Roo-kai.

O my heart, yes indeed, says Captain Stewart.

Katherine comes out of a red building at that moment, with a gift-wrapped bottle.

Terence! cries Katherine. Get back in the car. You shouldn't have got out in the first place!

O my heart, says Terence. I miss my old life!

He doesn't mean that, says Roo-kai.

Captain Stewart withdraws behind the barrel, before Katherine can see him.

Two Romeos In An Igloo

It's still raining. Katherine has turned on the wipers. 

Are we...? begins Terence.

Not there yet, says Katherine. But we'll make a short stop in Beenleigh.

For beans, says Terence.

No, says Katherine. For a present.

Yay! says Terence. Is it a horse?

Not for you, says Katherine. For David.

Terence lapses into gloom. Bum-hole! A not-for-him present.

He pokes at the soft-sided nest.

Hey! says Quiet-Tartus. Stop poking. Our nest will collapse.

Who cares? says Terence.

We do, says Shorty-Tartus. We like it.

Why? asks Terence.

It's like an upside down igloo, says Shorty-Tartus.

With our name on the outside, says Quiet-Tartus.

That's not your name, says Roo-kai. Unless your name is Romeo.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. Two Romeos who live in an igloo!

So you can read, Roo-kai? asks Katherine.

All birds can, says Roo-kai.

Then how about teaching Terence, says Katherine. That would help pass the time.

Okay, says Roo-kai. And you frogs can listen.

You Romeos, says Terence.

You must be reading it upside down, says Shorty-Tartus. 

I'm not reading it, says Terence. I haven't learned yet.

Right, says Roo-kai. First lesson. Look at this word. What are there two of?

Letters, says Terence.

Yes but which letters are there two of? asks Roo-kai.

Is this the best teaching method? asks Katherine. It seems more like maths.

It's how birds learn best, says Roo-kai. 

There are two of these, says Terence. Two circles.

Well done, says Roo-kai. The letter is O, you have learned it.

Its name is O, says Katherine. And it sounds like O. When there are two Os together they sound like OO. For example, there are two Os in Roo-kai. 

So there are, says Roo-kai. 

But his name isn't OO, says Terence.

Don't let me confuse you , says Katherine. 

Too late, says Terence.

Luckily they have now arrived in Beenleigh, which cuts short the lesson.

The Lovely Animals

Time to go, says Gaius. It's two hours and twelve minutes to Toowoomba.

He and Wittgenstein head out to the Mazda.

I'll be going too, says Katherine. Come, Terence.

Terence grabs Monty, from the table, and gets down.

What about us? says Quiet-Tartus.

Arthur, will you bring the frogs across to my car? asks Katherine. I don't want to touch them.

Okay, says Arthur.

They leave the Surf Life Saving Club, and follow Katherine to her car, a white Kia Rio.

New car? says Sweezus. 

Hired it, says Katherine. Plenty of room in the back for Terence, and the frogs, as you see.

Any chance of me coming? asks Roo-kai.

I suppose so, says Katherine. It will mean a larger container.

There might be one in the camper, says Sweezus. 

He goes over to look in the camper.

Nothing, nothing... but yeah, there's that old cardboard box we've been using for rubbish, just need to tip out the rubbish, yeah but what into....?

There is a bin in the car park. He tips the rubbish into that.

Here, says Sweezus. Might be a bit smelly.

Katherine sniffs.

It is extraordinarily smelly, says Katherine. And what's that?

Jam, says Sweezus. 

That is not jam, says Katherine. It's brown. I wouldn't be surprised if it's some of the famous big frog poo.

We're not going in that! says Shorty-Tartus.

Nor am I, says Roo-kai.

They could sit on a tea towel, says Sweezus. We've got one.

One? says Katherine. You'll need it. No, I shall manage.

She opens the front passenger door and then opens the glove box.

No! cry the frogs. Not the glove box!

She pulls out a large plastic shopping bag, folded flat.

She opens it out, and fashions it into a soft-sided basket.

Then she places it on the back seat in the middle.

Now, put them in that, says Katherine.

Arthur drops the frogs into the soft-sided basket, and checks out his hands.

No problem. The frogs have not eaten anything, for quite some time.

What about me? asks Roo-kai. 

Katherine unfolds a second plastic shopping bag.

Sit on that, says Katherine.

Can I sit in the front with you? asks Terence.

No, says Katherine, you're too low. You'll sit in the back with the livestock.

What's that? asks Terence.

The lovely animals, says Katherine.

The lovely animals are no more pleased with this title than livestock.

Ready? asks Katherine. Do up your safety belt, Terence.

Can't, says Terence.

Sweezus leans in, and does it for him.

Be good, little buddy, says Sweezus. See you in a few days in Toowoomba.

Bye boys, says Katherine. Have fun in the rain. 

She drives off towards the M6.

Great, says Sweezus. It's just you and me now. No responsibilities.

Are we keeping that box? asks Arthur.

What do you reckon? says Sweezus.

Holey-Moley What Then?

Mind the steps, says Gaius. They might be slippery.

That won't bother me, says Terence.

Or me, says Roo-kai.

Race you, says Terence.

He goes down the steps faster.

Roo-kai follows.

Gaius minds the steps, making use of the railing

He will be glad to let Terence travel with Katherine. And the frogs too, if that is their wish.

He gets to the bottom and enters the Surf Life Saving Clubroom.

Where is Arthur? asks Gaius.

Getting the frogs, from the camper, says Sweezus.

Good, says Gaius. They need to make a decision.

Are they in a container? asks Katherine.

No, says Gaius. Is that a problem?

They may not be welcome in here, says Katherine.

Arthur will see to it, says Gaius.

Arthur comes in with a frog in each hand, and places them both on the table.

You frogs are coming with US! says Terence. 

So, what's new? says Quiet-Tartus.

You may travel to Toowoomba with Ludwig and me, in the Mazda, or with Katherine and Terence in Katherine's car, says Gaius. Which is it to be?

What's wrong with the camper? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Sweezus and Arthur are spending a few days at the Gold Coast, says Gaius. 

In this rain? asks Quiet-Tartus. 

Yeah, bummer, says Sweezus. 

So choose, says Gaius.

Choose us, says Terence. 

Shorty-Tartus whispers something to Quiet-Tartus.

Quiet-Tartus whispers something back.

Where's Monty? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Here, says Katherine, standing him up.

Shorty-Tartus hops up close to Monty. 

How was it, to travel with them?

They put me in a dark glove box, whispers Monty. They spoke about pipe traps to trap tree frogs. I heard Gaius say 'when one door closes'.

 Holy-moley! says Shorty-Tartus. What then?

Nothing, whispers Monty. He didn't finish the sentence.

(Fact check: True. He didn't.)

What? asks Terence. 

We're going with you, says Shorty-Tartus. If that's okay with Katherine.

As long as you're in some kind of container, says Katherine. I don't want frog poo on the seats.

Very wise, says Gaius. Frogs do tend to do rather big ones.

Wouldn't want to find one in the glove box, says Wittgenstein.

They're certainly not going to travel in my glove box, says Katherine.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus look at one another, then at Monty.

Great! We dodged a bullet there.

Three Good Things

Elephant Rock lookout. It's raining.

Terence and Roo-kai are the only ones up there.

It's a bad day for seeing Surfers Paradise in the distance.

Is that it? asks Terence.

It might be, says Roo-kai.

It looks like Barcelona, says Terence.

Why Barcelona? asks Roo-kai.

Because I can't see that either, says Terence.

You made a joke! says Roo-kai.

Did I? says Terence. What was it?

It's beyond me to explain it, says Roo-kai.

Terence looks down.

He sees Gaius turning his head this way and that way.

He'll be looking for you, says Roo-kai.

He should look up, says Terence. Have you got anything to drop on him?

Roo-kai is not surplus to Terence's requirements for nothing.

Look in your pocket, says Roo-kai.

Terence feels in his pocket. Roo-kai's chevalier medal!

Drop that, says Roo-kai.

Then he'll think you're up here, says Terence.

 I am, says Roo-kai. He'll look up, and then he'll see both of us.

If he's not unconscious, says Terence.

He drops the medal. 

Will it land on Gaius's head, and render him unconscious?

No, it doesn't. But it lands near his feet.

Roo-kai's medal! Gaius looks up and spies Terence, leaning over a railing.

He hurries up the steps.

There you are! says Gaius. 

Yes, says Terence. I don't have stone problems.

No you don't, says Gaius. You don't have kidneys or a gall bladder, so you could never develop stones. I was thinking of the high oxalate content of beetroot, but failed to take into account your composition.

That's bad, says Terence.

That's good, says Gaius. And furthermore, you'll be pleased to know that Katherine is coming with us to Toowoomba.

Why is that good? asks Terence.

You can go in her car, says Gaius. There was no room for you in the Mazda.

What about the frogs? asks Terence.

They may go in whichever vehicle they choose, says Gaius. 

They'll choose me, says Terence. And Roo-kai will.

Lucky Katherine, says Gaius.

Paradise From The Top

Terence drinks his beetroot juice quickly.

He now has red lips.

Was it nice? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Terence. Can I have another one?

No dear, says Katherine. Too much beetroot juice might be harmful.

Not for me, says Terence.

Especially for you, says Gaius. Beetroot is not recommended for those with stone problems.

I didn't think of that, says Katherine.

I don't have stone problems, says Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Terence is made of cement. That's not stone.

Nevertheless, says Gaius. One should err on the safe side.

Err? says Terence. Does that mean you're still deciding?

Ha ha! laughs Wittgenstein. That's not what err means.

Sometimes it's what err means, says Terence. Like when you don't know and say err.

He's right, says Sweezus. I say err often.

All right, says Wittgenstein. I'll concede that one might well say err when deciding, but in this case err was used to mean make an error.

Thank you, says Gaius. Now we've sorted that out. 

The seafood platters arrive, with the beer and the salads.

Everyone tucks in.

Except for Terence who is not happy.

He slips off his stool and walks out of the Surf Life Saving Clubhouse.

Roo-kai is waiting outside.

Why are you wearing red lipstick? asks Roo-kai.

Am I ? asks Terence. Maybe I do have stone problems. 

Cement problems, says Roo-kai. My guess is you've had a bright red drink, and the dye has soaked in.

Wah! cries Terence. Does that mean I'll have red lips forever?

No such luck, says Roo-kai.

It's the perfect answer for Terence.

I love you, says Terence.

This is unexpected, says Roo-kai. I was starting to think I was surplus to requirements.

Yes, says Terence. You truly are the best surplus to my requirements.

Thank you, Terence, says Roo-kai. How about we climb Elephant Rock together? I believe you can see all the way to Surfers Paradise, from the top.

This is getting better and better.

Terence would love to see Surfers Paradise, from the top!

The Last Seven Minutes

You need new shorts dear, says Katherine. And so does Sweezus.

Arthur agrees.

But she does not offer to fund them.

Sweezus comes back having ordered the platters.

I've ordered four, says Sweezus. They're heaps smaller than last time.

I'll order extra salad, says Katherine.

She goes to the counter.

It's not fair, says Terence.

Nothing is, says Gaius. What's wrong now?

No one ever asks me, says Terence.

I'm asking, says Gaius.

If I want anything, says Terene.

Do you want anything, little buddy? asks Sweezus.

Yes! says Terence. A red drink, and a horse, and the treat Ludwig promised.

The treat! says Wittgenstein. It had slipped my mind completely.

Does that mean I can't have it? asks Terence.

No it doesn't, says Wittgenstein. The treat's on my phone.

Yay! says Terence. How big is it?

Phone size, says Wittgenstein. 

Oh, says Terence.

Wittgenstein fiddles with his phone, calling up various book-selling websites.

Where on earth was it?

At last he remembers. How simple. You just google horse books. 

Watch this, says Wittgenstein, handing Terence his phone.

On the screen a woman with an American accent is reading If I Had A Horse. There are few words, and she turns each page slowly. The pictures are shadowy, purple and brown.

Terence soon gets the gist of the story.

The kid wants a horse. If the kid had a horse, he would give it an apple. He would hug it, and climb on its back. They would run wild and be fearless. Together the horse and the kid could do anything. The end.

Is that it? asks Terence.

Yes, how did you like it? asks Wittgenstein.

Worst treat ever, says Terence. And why is the kid's hair so long?

It might be a girl, suggests Gaius.

Not necessarily, says Sweezus.

It's a girl, decides Terence.

Katherine comes back having ordered a falafel and spiced pumpkin salad, and some wedges.

She plonks a red drink in front of Terence.

Beetroot juice, says Katherine. Drink up, young man.

It's the best thing that has happened to Terence in the last seven minutes.

Very Arty Art

 Katherine drives back to Currumbin, and heads to Elephant Rock.

Gaius and Wittgenstein are already there, gazing up at it.

Hello, says Katherine. Pity about the weather. Where are the others?

On their way, says Gaius. 

Shall we go into the Surf Life Saving Club, and wait? says Katherine.

All right, says Gaius.

They do a good seafood platter, says Katherine.

I remember, says Gaius. 

You've been here before? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Gaius, four years ago, we passed through. It was summer.

What were you doing? asks Katherine.

Something to do with whelks, says Gaius. And Eastern Curlews.

This time it's frogs, says Wittgenstein.

Always something, says Katherine. But whelks?

Past history, says Gaius. I recall that Saint Roley, who was with us, ate them, and immediately regretted his action.  I advised a strong purge.

I wish I hadn't asked, says Katherine. 

No seafood platter? says Wittgenstein.

No, says Katherine. Perhaps a nice salad. Oh look! There's Arthur!

Arthur has come into the surf Life Saving Club.

Hello dear! cries Katherine. Let me look at you! 

Arthur lets her look at him.

Perhaps she will buy him new shorts.

Sweezus enters with Terence.

Where's Monty? asks Terence. 

In the glove box of the Mazda, says Wittgenstein. I'll go and get him.

Is Monty a frog? asks Katherine.

NO! says Terence. Monty is my toy horse. I got him when I went missing, But I'm getting a real one.

Is he? asks Katherine.

Gaius tries to indicate no, without Terence seeing.

Has Terence been to the Wildlife Sanctuary here in Currumbin? asks Katherine.

Yeah, says Sweezus. He went last time. He did the Tree Top Challenge.

Yes! says Terence. 

How on earth was he allowed to? asks Katherine.

I went with Boris, says Terence. 

When I went there yesterday, says Katherine, I did the Art Trail. Lots of gigantic plastic koalas.

Very arty, says Gaius.

And a Lego Water Dragon, says Katherine.

Even more so, says Gaius.

Wittgenstein comes back with Monty.

Monty! cries Terence, grabbing Monty.

Let me see Monty, says Katherine. 

Want me to order a couple of seafood platters? asks Sweezus. And beer for everyone?

He goes off without waiting for Katherine to say she would rather just have a nice salad.

Any anyway, she is busy admiring Monty, who is of good quality, being German.

And then, looking critically at the rips and stains in Arthur's shorts.....

Rocky Enticements

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Who wants to know? says Sweezus.

All of us, says Terence.

Your frogs are very quiet, says Sweezus.

They're doing their breathing, says Terence.

Good for them, says Sweezus. 

So are we there yet? asks Terence.

Ask Arthur, says Sweezus. He's figuring it out.

Arthur is looking at google maps.

Currumbin looks good. 

Surfing waves are mentioned. Along with unusual rock formations, life guards, waterfront restaurants and bars.

Currumbin, says Arthur. 

How far? asks Sweezus.

Twenty minutes, says Arthur. I'll call Gaius.

He calls Gaius.

Currumbin, says Arthur. We'll meet there.

Whereabouts in Currumbin? asks Gaius.

Near the unusual rock formations, says Arthur.

That sounds enticing, says Gaius. 

See you there, says Arthur.

Gaius checks his phone to see how far they are from Currumbin. Not far.

We're meeting them in Currumbin, says Gaius.

What's enticing? asks Wittgenstein.

Rock formations, says Gaius. 

He googles Currumbin to see where the rock formations are.

He is doing this when his phone rings.

It's Katherine.

Hello Gaius! It's me.

Ah yes, says Gaius. David told me you might be calling.

Oh did he? says Katherine. I suppose he thought you needed warning?

Not at all, says Gaius. I believe you're thinking of coming to Queensland?

I'm already here, says Katherine. Where are you?

Where are you? asks Gaius.

I asked first, says Katherine. 

Gaius is cornered. 

Not far from Currumbin, says Gaius.

Ah, the Wildlife Sanctuary! says Katherine. I've just been there.

And left? asks Gaius.

I'm at Mermaid Beach now, says Katherine. A short way up the coast.

What a shame we'll miss you, says Gaius. We're heading inland from here to Toowoomba.

Is Arthur with you? asks Katherine.

Not at present, says Gaius. He's in a campervan with the frogs.

How alarming? says Katherine. Is he trapped there?

No no, says Gaius. Sweezus is driving. And Terence is with them as well. I'm in a Mazda. 

That's not like you, says Katherine.

We are managing, says Gaius.

I'll bet Terence is a problem, says Katherine. I wouldn't be surprised if you've lost him several times already.....

She goes on and on.

Gaius listens.

Anyway, says Katherine. As it's starting to rain, I've nothing to do at the moment. I'll drive back to Currumbin and meet you.

Wonderful, says Gaius.

Where shall I meet you? asks Katherine.

At the unusual rock formations, says Gaius, hoping an outdoor setting might put her off.

All right, says Katherine. Raincoat needed. See you in half an hour.

She rings off, and looks for her rain coat. 

She's remembered to bring one, of course.

The Rejection

To Monty's chagrin, he is replaced in the glove box.

Don't let me forget him, says Gaius.

It's unlikely that you will forget him, says Wittgenstein.

Not so, says Gaius. To be honest, I had already forgotten him.

He is forgettable, I agree, says Wittgenstein. 

Then why did you say it? asks Gaius.

Because, says Wittgenstein, I imagine we'll be wanting the glove box, for the frogs.

That is assuming we take the Mazda to Toowoomba, says Gaius.

I hired this Mazda, says Wittgenstein. I shall drive it to Toowoomba.

The problem is Terence, says Gaius. He will want to come with us to Toowoomba.

Why should he? says Wittgenstein. He appears to love Sweezus, He called him a very good guy.

That was just poetry, says Gaius. He loves the frogs too, but there is no room for Terence in the Mazda.

He could ride in the boot, says Wittgenstein.

I could not allow that, says Gaius. 

They drive in silence, for a while trying to think of a solution.

We could all go to Toowoomba, says Wittgenstein. 

Of course we could, says Gaius, but I'm factoring in the pull of the Gold Coast, for the young ones.

His phone rings.

Aha! This will be Arthur!

But no.

It is David.

Hello Gaius! Enjoying your east coast adventure? asks David.

Very much so, says Gaius. Apart from the rain, and floods and other hold ups.

Such is life, says David. The weather has been fine here until recently, but now we have entered a cold spell.

You should join us, says Gaius. It's warmer.

That's not why I'm calling, says David. We're busy in the office, and we've already started training.

Training? says Gaius. What for?

The tour, says David. It begins on the first of July.

And you want me in Team Philosophe? asks Gaius. I could...

No, says David. We don't. The reason I'm calling is to warn you about mother.

Katherine? says Gaius. Is she unwell?

No just the opposite, says David. She's planning a holiday at the Gold Coast. You're not near there are you?

No no, says Gaius. Nowhere near there.

Fine, says David. Just a heads up. She'll be calling you soon.

Excellent, says Gaius. I look forward to it.

What was that about? asks Wittgenstein.

A rejection, says Gaius. But when one door closes.....

He does not finish the sentence, not deeming it necessary.

But Monty, in the dark of the glove box, would like to have heard it.

Swaying Dangerous

Gaius and Wittgenstein are on their way to the Gold Coast, with Monty the toy horse in the glove box.

Monty is dozing, due to the humming sound that you would know about if you too had travelled in a glove box.

Hum-brum-hum-brum.

Hypnotic? I thought so.

Monty is dreaming a dream about frogs.

The frogs are hanging from tree pipe traps, swaying dangerously close to one another.

Sometimes a tree trap hits another tree trap, and the frogs fall out of the tree trap to be replaced by other frogs who were behind the ones who fell out of the tree trap.

No frogs croak, in Monty's dream.

Hum-brum-hum-brum.

Outside the glove box but inside the Mazda, Gaius is taking Wittgenstein's advice.

He is calling Arthur.

Arthur answers. Hello.

Arthur, says Gaius, when do you expect to arrive at the Gold Coast?

Couple of hours, says Arthur. Why?

We are planning a very brief stay, says Gaius. 

What's he saying? asks Sweezus, who is driving.

Brief stay, says Arthur.

So? asks Sweezus.

So? says Arthur.

We'll be  needing those frogs, says Gaius. 

Sure, says Arthur. And have you got Monty?

Monty? Why yes, he's here in the glove box, says Gaius. 

Okay, says Arthur. We'll figure out a good place to meet....

Yes? says Gaius.

And let you know, says Arthur.

He rings off.

Hum, says Gaius. Oh well, at least he reminded me about Monty.

He opens the glove box.

Monty falls out.

Wearing Green Crocs

Gaius and Wittgenstein leave the Bean Scene, with two takeaway coffees.

Wittgenstein unlocks the Mazda.

Gaius gets in on the passenger side.

Don't sit on Monty, says Wittgenstein.

You sound like Terence, says Gaius. Why would I sit on Monty?

Forgetting he was there, says Wittgenstein. You'd have been grateful for the warning.

Thank you, says Gaius, removing Monty from his seat before sitting down.

Now where shall I put him?

Glove box, says Wittgenstein.

Monty is placed in the glove box, and the glove box is closed.

It is dark in the glove box.

The engine starts, and the Mazda roars away towards the Gold Coast.

Gaius is explaining to Wittgenstein why they should visit Toowoomba.

They do frog studies at the university, says Gaius. They've invented a new way to catch them.

Do you know what it is? asks Wittgenstein.

Tree pipe traps, says Gaius. Made with bamboo pipes. The frogs enter the pipes and are trapped there.

In the glove box, Monty is listening. The frogs enter? Why would they?

Why would they? asks Wittgenstein.

They like being in pipes, says Gaius. Pipes enhance the sounds of their croaking.

At least it's their own fault, thinks Monty. 

.......

The camper has finally got going.

Sweezus is driving through Yamba.

Stop! says Roo-kai.

What for? asks Sweezus.

Terence has forgotten something, says Roo-kai.

Have I? asks Terence.

At the Bean Scene, prompts Roo-kai.

MONTY! cries Terence.

No worries, says Sweezus, stopping outside the Bean Scene.

I'll go in with him, says Arthur. And get us two coffees. 

Yeah, and something to eat, says Sweezus. Something substantial.

Arthur and Terence go into the Bean Scene.

Arthur looks at the menu. Lentil patty wrap. That sound substantial.

Two lentil patty wraps, two double espressos and a toy horse from the dishwasher, says Arthur.

Can do, says the Barista, except for the horse. It's been taken already.

Wah! cries Terence. A robber's got Monty.

He wasn't a robber, says the barista. He had credentials. And he knew all the history.

Wearing green Crocs? asks Arthur. 

That's him, says the barista.

GAIUS! cries Terence. Monty is saved!

Come And Get Me I'm Clean

Wittgenstein and Gaius get into the Mazda.

Ever been to the Gold Coast? asks Gaius.

No, says Wittgenstein. Never.

You'll find it rather....umm.... jazzy, says Gaius.

Meaning? asks Wittgenstein.

Jazzy, says Gaius. I used the term deliberately.

For what reason? asks Wittgenstein.

I know you're somewhat old-fashioned, says Gaius.

That's rich coming from you, says Wittgenstein. But... jazzy?

Loud, says Gaius. Flashy.

It doesn't sound like your sort of place, says Wittgenstein.

It isn't, says Gaius. We'll be heading inland to Toowoomba.

For the frogs? says Wittgenstein.

Exactly, says Gaius. But first, would you mind stopping at the Bean Scene in Yamba.

What for? asks Wittgenstein.

Terence's Monty, says Gaius. He left it behind in the dishwasher.

That reminds me, says Wittgenstein. I haven't given him his treat yet.

They drive on, and stop ten minutes later outside the Bean Scene in Yamba.

Gaius gets out.

Aha! Monty is on an outdoor table, under an umbrella, next to the sugar.

There is a note, under Monty.

To the owner: Please come and get me. I'm clean.

Ha ha, laughs Gaius, picking up Monty, and waving him at a barista.

The barista comes over.

You the kid's parent? Where's the kid?

In a separate vehicle, says Gaius. I have a feeling he might have forgotten about his toy horse, so I've stopped by to collect it.

Got any ID ? asks the barista.

I am Gaius Plinius Secundus, natural historian, says Gaius.

Anyone could say that, says the barista.

I doubt it, says Gaius. But I do know this toy horse has been rescued from the bottom of your dishwasher, having fallen out of a coffee mug which was whisked away by a staff member who obviously did not observe it, which was careless.

Okay, says the barista. That was me. Sorry about that. Take it, and enjoy the rest of your day.

Thank you, says Gaius, taking Monty back to the Mazda.

He gets in.

Got it? asks Wittgenstein.

Not without having to explain its entire history, says Gaius.

Due diligence, says Wittgenstein. That's good. I don't suppose you thought to buy us a coffee?

No, says Gaius. Would you like one?

I would, says Wittgenstein. 

They get out of the Mazda, and go into the Bean Scene, leaving Monty on the passenger seat.

Monty is sad. It was nice on the table.

A Very Good Guy

What? says Terence.

Nothing, says Sweezus. Go on.

A very good guy, that was you, says Terence.

I get that, says Sweezus. 

So you should be pleased, says Terence.

I am, says Sweezus. Is that the end of the poem?

No, says Terence. There's more of it:

He didn't make it, he drowned in the sea/ no one could find him and so/ two brave frogs decided to get on a surfboard and go.

Terence gestures towards the brave frogs, at the edge of the hole, looking down at Unhappy. 

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus speak together:

We fell off/ we thought we would die/ Unhappy floated by/ dead, with no fuss, he saved us/ another good guy.

Sweezus winces.

The frogs stand back, their part is finished.

Gaius fills in the hole. It is done.

Right, says Gaius. Are we all agreed it's time to leave Angourie Point and continue north towards Queensland?

Yes, they all are.

I'll drive the Mazda, says Wittgenstein. Who's coming with me?

I will, says Gaius. We'll push through to the Gold Coast.

Okay, says Arthur. We'll meet you there.

Gaius gives Sweezus the spade.

Sweezus and Arthur head back to the camper.

Wait for me! says Terence.

And us, say the brave frogs together.

But Sweezus and Arthur walk faster.

They are talking and walking.

Fuck, says Sweezus. A very good guy. And I'm the one who killed him. 

Twice, says Arthur. 

He didn't die the first time, says Sweezus.

There's a thought to hang onto, says Arthur.

And I guess it's not my fault he couldn't swim, says Sweezus.

That's another one, says Arthur.

And we can't have a dog with this lifestyle, says Sweezus.

And now we don't have one, says Arthur.

Sweezus feels better, after talking things over with Arthur.

Don't Come Alive Suddenly

From the crest of a wave he is riding, Sweezus sees Gaius, with a spade.

He surfs all the way in, grabs his board, and catches up to Gaius.

Is this what I think it is? asks Sweezus.

Yes, says Gaius. Unfortunately, Unhappy has perished. Didn't Roo-kai tell you?

I saw him hovering, says Sweezus. I guess he was waiting for me to come in.

The frogs are safe, though, says Gaius. They are with Terence.

That's good, says Sweezus. 

Terence runs towards them.

Guess what? We made a poem for Unhappy.

That's cool, little buddy, says Sweezus. How does it go?

Let's dig the hole first, says Terence.

Is that it? asks Sweezus. 

No, says Terence. And guess what else? You're in it.

The hole? asks Sweezus.

It's not funny, says Terence. Unhappy was following you. 

I know, says Sweezus. 

How about dragging Unhappy up to the tree line, says Gaius.

Sweezus bends and starts dragging Unhappy away from the water.

Gaius walks up to the tree line and looks for a suitable spot.

He starts digging.

Sweezus rolls Unhappy into the hole Gaius has finished.

Unhappy is now facing up.

Should he be wrapped in something? asks Sweezus.

Seaweed, says Terence. I'll get some.

He runs back down to the shore.

He gathers an armful of the seaweed that Unhappy was previously covered in.

He can't wait for Sweezus to hear his great poem

He hopes Unhappy won't come alive suddenly.

Then he wouldn't get to say it.

He runs back with the seaweed.

No. Unhappy is still dead as a doornail.

That's good.

Okay, says Sweezus.  Cover him up, little buddy.

Terence drops the seaweed strand by strand over Unhappy.

This takes some time.

Time enough for Arthur and Wittgenstein to arrive for the speaking of the poem.

Terence begins.

A dog has died, he got run over but that isn't why/ he got better and went swimming after Sweezus, a very good guy...

Terence stops and looks at Sweezus, expecting him to be happy.

But Sweezus looks glum.