Terrible Timing

Scene Two has ended.

Vello comes on.

The old lady's tale has been told, says Vello. And we have learned a valuable lesson. 

What is it? shouts someone.

Vello ignores him.

Scene Three is entitled The German Colonel in the Arbour, says Vello. And yes, we have skipped a few parts.  The lovely Cunégonde has fallen into the clutches of the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and Candide, having escaped, is now meeting a certain German Colonel in Paraguay.

Get on with it! shouts another audience member.

Indeed! says Vello. And good luck in our AI spotting competition.

Keep your eyes peeled, Hedley, whispers his mother.

I am, whispers Hedley. 

Where did you go in the middle of Scene Two? whispers his mother.

Out the back to see Terence, whispers Hedley.

That was nice, whispers Hedley's mother. Did he show you the props?

Yes,whispers Hedley, but I decided I'll ask for the poem.

That's very mature of you Hedley, whispers his mother.

Scene Three begins.

Arthur comes on, dressed as a German Colonel, with his red ear tips and arched eyebrows.

Candide enters, as though being conducted by soldiers.

So you are a German, says the German Colonel.

Birds twitter in the arbour. Hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets, and a bottle.

A bottle?

The bottle swings from a branch of a tree.

Yes, your reverence, says Candide.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh, says Candide.

Good gracious, says the German Colonel. Can it really be you?

This is beyond the bounds of possiblity! says Candide. You are Cunégonde's brother! But weren't you killed by the Bulgars?

They embrace. 

Candide tells the German Colonel the good news. Cunegonde is alive! But will need to be rescued.

We shall do it together! says the German Colonel.

The bottle drops out of the tree.

Smash! Vinegar goes everywhere.

And a dead something, maybe a herring, lies inert on the stage.

What terrible timing.

That's what I long for, says Candide, because I am hoping to marry her!

You insolent fellow! cries the German Colonel, striking Candide with the flat of his sword.

Candide springs back, draws his own sword, and plunges it into the German Colonel's stomach.

The German Colonel, who had in rehearsal perfected his death scene, instead slips on a herring. 

Last Year's Bon Doo

It looks like a stingray, says Hedley.

It's a skate, says Terence. I got it in Tasmania.

Why is it dead? asks Hedley.

It tried to escape, under my skateboard, says Terence. But Surfing-with-Whales didn't know. And he threw the skateboard into the pullalong, and it died.

So it's yours, says Hedley.

The skateboard? says Terence.

The stingray, says Hedley.

The herring, says Terence.

Why do you have to call it a herring? asks Hedley.

Because it's endangered, says Terence.

If it's dead, it can't be endangered, says Hedley.

Yes, says Terence. But you're not meant to be the person that killed it.

Okay, says Hedley. 

Okay what? asks Terence.

I don't want it after all, says Hedley.

You weren't going to get it, says Terence.

I was, says Hedley. There's a prize for spotting the most AI effects in your play. And the prize is a poem or a prop. And I wanted the prop.

But now you want the poem, says Terence. What poem is it?

Arthur's going to write it, says Hedley. 

It won't be very good, says Terence. He can't do rhymes.

Poems don't have to have rhymes, says Hedley. Just emotions.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. He'll probably write it in French.

So what? I know French, says Hedley. Remember last year? Bon doo!

That was good French, says Terence. 

I know, says Hedley. 

You probably won't win anyway, says Terence. Because you're not watching.

This is a good point. 

Hedley goes back to his seat, next to his mother.

On stage, the old woman is nearing the end of her tale.

In a small fortress on the sea of Azov, we were besieged by the Russians, who were starving us out. The soldiers who guarded us decided to eat us. But a Mohammedan priest persuaded them not to kill us outright. Cut just one buttock off each of these ladies, he said. It will provide you with a delicious meal, and you can have the same again later....

Hedley's mother turns to Hedley to see how he is taking this part of the story.

Poisoned Hot Chocolate

Scene Two. The Voyage.

Sweezus has done a good job with the scenery.

Candide, Cunégonde and the old lady appear to be on a ship, on their way to Cadiz.

Not only the background is moving, but also the floorboards.

Up and down go the floorboards.

An albatross wings its way by.

Squaawk! It emits a realistic albatross warning.

Candide and Cunégonde are both complaining. Can this be the best of all possible worlds, when things have gone so badly?

Stop complaining, you two, says the old lady. Your misfortunes are nothing like mine.

How can you claim that! says Cunégonde. Unless you have been ravished by Bulgars, had two stabs in your belly and your country house demolished, seen your parents butchered before your eyes, and then had to serve as a kitchen maid.....

If you knew my story, says the old woman, you wouldn't talk as you do.

Then tell us your story, says Cunégonde.

I have not always been a servant, begins the old lady. I am the daughter of Pope Urban X and the Princess of Palestrina.....

Hedley is bored. Where are the horses?

Who cares about the old woman's story? Not him. He looks across at his mother. But she is engrossed.

I was betrothed to a handsome young prince of Massa-Carrara, but he died hours before our wedding, due to drinking poisoned hot chocolate, says the old lady.

Poisoned hot chocolate! But Hedley is no longer listening. He has slipped off his seat and made his way backstage, to find Terence.

My mother and I sailed for our estate in Gaeta, but on the way we were captured by Moorish pirates, says the old lady. We and our ladies in waiting were stripped naked. The pirates probed us with their fingers, looking for diamonds.....

Hedley might have liked that part.

Or he might not.

But no matter. He has found Terence, at the back of the Piglet.

Terence is re-winding the string round the neck of his vinegar bottle.

Hi! says Hedley!

Hedley! says Terence. Did you see me? I was a horse.

A pony, says Hedley. 

Okay a pony, says Terence. Did you notice its tail?

Yes, says Hedley. A bottle with something inside it. 

That's Gloopy, says Terence. He's dead. But he's still having adventures.

Let's see, says Hedley.

He looks into the vinegar bottle and sees Gloopy. 

What is it? asks Hedley.

We have to pretend he's a herring, says Terence.

He doesn't look much like herring, says Hedley.

He's unrolled a bit lately, says Terence.

Strategic Enlargement

Fake! shout several audience members.

Vello runs back onto the stage.

Save your guesses till the end, please! says Vello. 

He runs off.

The flickering old lady flickers out entirely and is replaced by Gaius in his skirt and cushion.

That's the real old lady, whispers Hedley.

No prizes for spotting the real one, whispers his mother.

Yes but.... says Hedley.

Shush, Hedley, says his mother.

The old lady is waiting for silence.

There are three thorougbreds in the stables with saddles and bridles, says the old lady. You must get them ready.

Candide hurries off.

I don't know how I'm going to manage with only one buttock, says the old lady.

Youll manage somehow, says Cunégonde.

Candide returns, leading two AI horses with Terence's face, and a smaller pony, which is the actual Terence.

Ha ha! laughs the audience.

Because it is funny.

Get on quickly, says Candide. We must hurry.

I'll take the pony, says Cunégonde. 

She lifts up her skirts, which are divided.

Terence backs in, leaving only his head showing.

Now for the part which no one is expecting.

Terence pulls the vinegar bottle from the back of his shorts. 

He unwinds the string a little.

And places the vinegar bottle down on the floor. 

The dead baby maugean skate in the vinegar bottle rolls slightly.

This is going to be your best adventure ever, whispers Terence. 

Candide has already trotted off stage successfully, due to some tricky leg movements, and a strategic enlargement of his horse's rear end. 

The old lady attempts to mount her horse. After a few false starts she gives up, and leads her horse off stage, muttering, Come along, my beauty.

I'm coming, says Cunégonde. 

She makes a half turn.

The vinegar bottle rumbles.

Here I go! says Cunegonde. Ready, my little pony?

She turns fully, and jogs off the stage.

Terence jogs underneath her.

Yay this is working!

The dead skate in the vinegar bottle trails behind them.

The audience is uncertain as to what they've just seen.

What do you think that was? asks Hedley's mother.

A prop, says Hedley. And it's going to be mine.

Escape Of The Fingers

The audience files in, and sits down.

Hedley and his mother are in the first row.

I wish I was in it, like last year, says Hedley.

Never mind, says Hedley's mother. You're probably too big now.

The stage darkens, And Vello comes on.

He stands still, for several moments, then wiggles his fingers.

Welcome to this year's show, says Vello. These are my fingers.

He wiggles them again.

Remember these fingers, says Vello. 

What for? calls someone in the second row.

You are all about to find out, says Vello.

He goes off. And immediately returns.

He wiggles his fingers.

What's this? Two fingers on one hand are joined together. The other hand has .. only four fingers!

Is this a magic show? calls someone in the fourth row.

Shut up. It's AI CANDIDE! hisses the person next to the person in the fourth row.

It's an AI actor! shouts someone.

Correct, says Vello. Or....is it?

He whips off his gloves.

What? Gloves that look like weird fingers?

So you see, ladies and gentlemen and children, it is not easy to spot AI effects. And so we are offering a small prize at the end of the performance for the most successful spotter.

You should be good at this, Hedley, whispers Hedley's mother.

What's the prize? calls Hedley.

HEDLEY! says his mother.

The prize for best spotter is a personal poem composed on the spot by one of our cast members, the multi-talented Arthur Rimbaud! says Vello.

A ripple of interest flows through the audience.

Backstage, Sweezus whispers something to Arthur.

Arthur shakes his head.

Or, continues Vello, a small prop of your choice, as a memento.

They had fake diamonds last year! says someone.

I suggest you keep your eyes peeled, says Vello. And ENJOY!

He exits the stage. 

Time for Scene One.

The Escape From Cadiz on Horseback.

Candide and Cunégonde are sitting on a couch.

Don Issachar comes in with a dagger.

You Galilean bitch! shouts Don Issachar. 

Candide stands, draws his sword, and Don Issachar falls to the floor, dead as a doornail.

Holy Virgin! cries Cunégonde! What now? If the police come we are done for!

Let us consult the the old woman, says Candide.

The old woman enters, flickering a little.

The audience stares at her fingers.

Perhaps she' s got those fake gloves on.

But what about her face?

Doesn't it look rather young? 

To Act As A Tail

Tonight is the first night of AI CANDIDE! ( the eye-catching title).

Arthur is giving out fliers.

Someone accepts one.

Hey! says the person. I saw this show last year.

Not this one, says Arthur. It has AI effects.

Like what? asks the person.

Like this, says Arthur, pushing his hair back to show his red-tipped ears and arched eyebrows.

That's just makeup, says the person.

Then what about this? says Arthur, unarching his eyebrows.

That was just you unarching your eyebrows, says the person. And you've still got red ears. Make them go back to normal.

Later, says Arthur. 

Weren't you in it last year, when they gave out free seeds? asks the person. That was good. Are you  giving out freebies?

What we're doing, says Arthur, is asking the audience to identify which parts are AI. 

That should be easy, says the person. Look at the fingers. Is there a prize?

There could be, says Arthur.

Sometimes it's best to remain enigmatic.

So are you coming? asks Arthur. It starts in half an hour.

I could do, says the person, shoving the flyer into his pocket and walking away.

Arthur joins the rest of the cast in the tiny space behind the Piglet.

Any interest? asks Vello. 

There is now, says Arthur. 

What do you mean? asks Vello. I hope you haven't been offering free seeds. We don't have any.

Just a hint that there might be a prize, says Arthur. 

What for? asks Vello.

Guessing which parts of the show are AI, says Arthur. 

Sweezus, who is buttoning up his suit, overhears this.

Cool idea, says Sweezus. Everyone's into it.

Are they? says Vello. I should think it would be fairly obvious.

So would I, says David. Apparently you look at the fingers.

Fingers! says Vello. Horses don't have fingers!

And joins, says David. Remember the Princess of Wales and her photos?

What's this? asks Belle, swishing over in her newly split skirt.

It seems we're giving out prizes for guessing which parts of the show are AI, says Vello.

One prize, says Arthur.

And what might that be? asks Vello. 

Up to you, says Arthur.

Vello casts about for ideas.

Maybe a signed autograph? 

A prop, of minimal value?

A poem? Yes, a poem by Arthur. Let him come up with a suitable one in hurry.

But in fact, the problem is already solving itself.

Terence, wishing to give Gloopy an excellent adventure, has tied the vinegar bottle to his waist by a string, and is keeping it hidden, temporarily, in the back of his shorts.

To act as a tail.

Look Out From Under

Sweezus fiddles again with his equipment.

A second horse appears, with Terence's face.

Very impressive, says Gaius. And I understand there's a virtual old lady.

There is, says Belle. It's me in your old lady costume, but with your face.

May I see it? asks Gaius.

Sweezus calls up the old lady with Gaius's face.

And does it say my lines? asks Gaius.

Sure does, says Sweezus.

He presses a button.

"We can't count the dead one", says the virtual old lady, in Gaius's voice.

Where did that come from? asks Vello.

Not too sure, says Sweezus.

I said that in Tasmania, says Gaius. Terence had told you we'd seen twelve maugean skates. And I said we can't count the dead one.

Why not? asks David.

Because we were there to count live ones, says Gaius. 

Gloopy WAS alive, says Terence. 

You gave it a name? says Belle. That was cute.

I don't know about that, says Gaius. But Terence insisted on bringing it with him.

On an adventure, says Terence.

And where is it now? asks Belle.

Somewhere, says Terence.

Belle! says Vello. We need to get on with this rehearsal. Are you riding on Terence or what?

Let's try it, says Belle. Get under my skirt, Terence. Not that way, facing the front. Now look out from under it. Are you ready?

Neigghh! says Terence.

Belle jogs forward.

Terence disappears under the skirt.

We need to move off together, says Belle.

They try again. 

This time it works, to a point.

But when you turn to go off stage, the audience can't see the horse, says Vello.

I'll just give it a tail, says Sweezus. 

Yeah, he can easily impose a virtual tail on Belle's back view.

Won't that look like it's MY tail? asks Belle

Yeah it might, says Sweezus. What if I do you a whole horse's back side?

No, thank you, says Belle. The audience knows I'm on horseback. They've seen Terence's face.

Right, let's do this, says Vello. Mount your horses and ride off the stage.

Gaius attempts to mount his virtual horse.

And fails.

It may look like a real horse, but it isn't.

Too Small To Be Ridden

It's eating the buns! says Belle. How is that even possible?

It only appears to be eating the buns, says Sweezus.

Then where are the buns? asks Vello.

Everyone looks for the buns,

Except of course for the AI horse, who has eaten them.

After all, this was his chance.

The entire knowledge of the internet is at its disposal.

It knows horses like buns. It knows Terence can't eat them.

But it does not know what will happen if he eats them via Terence's face.

The following is what happens.

The door of the rehearsal room opens and Gaius walks in, with Terence.

Here we are, ready for duty, says Gaius. Where is my cushion?

Where's my horse? asks Terence.

There, says Belle. And you won't believe this, but it's eaten our buns.

Let's see, says Terence.

He runs across to the AI horse with his face.

Can it talk? asks Terence.

Of course I can talk, says Terence's face.

Woop! says Terence. And can you eat anything?

Only buns so far, says Terence's face.

What do they taste like? asks Terence.

Like sandpaper, says Terence's face.

Hear that? says Sweezus.

I heard that, says David. Why should the buns taste like sandpaper to a horse with Terence's face. A virtual horse at that. 

Yes, says Vello. Logically the buns shouldn't taste like anything.

And they shouldn't have disappeared, says Belle.

Is this my cushion? asks Gaius. 

Yes, says Vello. Tie it on. We're about to finish rehearsing scene three, the escape to Cadiz, on three horses.

Excellent, says Gaius.

Am I going to be one of them? asks Terence.

You already are, says Sweezus. That's your face. And I'm cloning two others.

One other, says Terence. One has to be the real me.

We don't have a horse costume, says Belle. 

And you're too small to be ridden, says David. 

Belle could ride me, says Terence. 

Actually I could, says Belle. At least I could seem to be riding. My long skirt would cover my feet.

What an idea! says Vello. We don't want this scene to look comical.

But I want to be in it! cries Terence.

We all want you to be in it, says Belle.

Rumble-rumble-BLUUURCH!!

The AI horse with Terence's face is gaining a new piece of data.

It not only has Terence's face, but his digestive system.

Terence watches as five half-chewed buns spew out onto the floor.

This should be good for his chances.

Head For The Buns

Late next morning, the final rehearsal.

Scene one. The Old Lady, Candide and Cunégonde escape to Cadiz on Horseback.

Candide has just killed Don Issachar and the Grand Inquisitor.

They lie dead on the floor.

Excellent! says Vello That looks realistic.

Thanks, says Candide.

Continue, says Vello.

What will happen to me now? asks Cunégonde. If the police come, we are done for!

Let us ask the old lady, says Candide.

But of course there is no old lady. She's still at the Adelaide airport.

No worries, says Candide. I've got this.

He fiddles with his AI equipment.

An old lady appears, with Cunégonde's face.

There are three thoroughbreds in the stables. says the old lady in Cunégonde's voice.

Hey, says Cunégonde. You've called up the wrong version.

Shit-a-brick! says Candide. 

The old lady with Cunegonde's face flickers, and goes out.

A new old lady appears in her place.

This one has Gaius's face, and Gaius's half-bottom.

I'll go and saddle the horses, says Candide. He exits the stage.

This had better work, grumbles Vello.

Candide returns leading what looks like a horse, with the face of an infant. 

Where are we going? asks the horse.

Huh? says Candide.

Extemporise, hisses Cunégonde.

To Cadiz, says Candide to the horse.

Then three horses are needed! says the horse.

I don't remember any of this, says Vello. But it's good. Keep it in.

They break for a late morning coffee, and a big plate of buns. 

Do I smell coffee? asks David, entering the rehearsal room.

Help yourself, says Vello.

How's the rehearsal going? asks David. Is it me yet?

We're still sorting out the horses, says Vello.

Is that one of them? asks David, pointing to the horse with Terence's face.

It is, says Vello. 

The horse with Terence's face is an AI horse.

Neither a real horse nor Terence.

It has a mind of it's own. An AI mind.

It decides it will head for the buns.

The Flickering Lady

The next part of Scene Three.

My dear Candide, says Arthur (the German Colonel), together we shall rescue my sister.

That's what I long for, says Sweezus. For I'm hoping to marry her.

You insolent fellow! says Arthur. 

He strikes Sweezus with the flat of his sword.

Sweezus draws his sword and plunges it into Arthur's stomach.

Arthur dies, in a long drawn out action.

Where's the blood? says Vello.

Coming, says Sweezus. Give me a minute

And why is SHE there? asks Vello.

Who? asks Sweezus.

Is it Cunégonde or the old lady? asks Vello. She keeps flickering.

Neither of them are meant to be there, says Sweezus. 

It seems you're not fully in control of your AI effects, says Vello.

It's difficult when I'm acting, says Sweezus.

You should have said, says Vello. Give it to Belle, she can do it.

What do I do? asks Belle.

Produce some blood and get rid of the flickering woman, says Vello.

Belle looks at the flickering woman. 

Is that me? says Belle. Why is my bottom enormous?

It's you in Gaius's costume, says Sweezus. I haven't added his face.

So it's got my face! says Belle. How do I delete it?

Don't delete it! says Sweezus. It's the only copy with the cushion!

Too late.

Belle has deleted the whole flickering lady including her bottom and face.

Fuck, says Sweezus. Now it's back to square one.

Can't we just do without this AI stuff? asks Belle.

People expect it, says Vello. 

Belle fiddles with Sweezus's equipment.

All at once Arthur is covered in blood.

AI blood, not real blood.

So the rehearsal has been partly successful.

Tomorrow morning, says Vello. Final rehearsal. I expect Gaius and Terence to be here, and the horse scene to go like clockwork.

No worries, says Sweezus. 

He is confident it will go like clockwork.

Wait. No he isn't. 

Not now that Belle has deleted herself.

Shit! He'll have to reconstruct the old lady!

The German Colonel In The Arbour

Back in Adelaide, Vello holds a rehearsal.

Listen up, everyone, says Vello, I've been talking to Gaius.

Is he coming? asks Belle.

He's crossing Bass Strait as we speak, says Vello. And he gave me some valuable feedback regarding the cushion.

His buttock cushion? says Belle. 

That's the one, says Vello. It seems at least one person thought it was funny.

It was funny, says Belle. Is he bringing it with him?

I doubt he travelled all the way to Tasmania with it, says Vello. It'll be in the costume box.

Belle starts looking.

Sweezus and Arthur arrive for the rehearsal.

You're late, says Vello. How's the AI thing going?

Good, says Sweezus. I've perfected the horse and I've streamlined the old lady.

Better unstreamline her, says Belle. She's funnier with the cushion.

No worries, says Sweezus. Is that the cushion?

Belle has found it, and is holding it up.

Sweezus takes his phone out.

Want me to put the old lady's skirt on? asks Belle. With the cushion?

Yeah, that would help, says Sweezus.

She ties the cushion to one side of her bottom, with strings that remain from last year. Then she puts the skirt on.

Sweezus makes a video of her from all angles.

I thought Gaius was coming, says Arthur.

He is, says Vello, but we need the AI effects. The audience will expect it.

Only because you advertised it in your flyer, says Belle.

I know, says Vello. I hope I won't regret it.

You won't, says Sweezus. I've got the hang of it now.

Right, says Vello. Tonight were rehearsing Scene Three, the German Colonel in the Arbour.

That's me, says Arthur.

Watch this, says Sweezus.

He calls up the special AI effects of an Arbour.

A pretty colonnade of green and gold marble with lattice work cages filled with hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets and guinea fowl. And a table containing gold plates and a luxurious dinner.

O well done, says Vello. Cue, Arthur!

Arthur steps forward. His face changes. He now has red tips to his ears, and arched eyebrows.

He looks like a German Colonel.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

Westphalia, says Sweezus, I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh.

You don't say? says the German Colonel. So was I!

How extraordinary! says Sweezus.

Can this really be you? exclaims the German Colonel.

They fall back in amazement, embrace each other, and burst into tears.

Arthur likes this part, and the next part is even better........

Night Passage

Surfing-with-Whales and Gaius come back to their recliners.

Now to try and get some sleep, says Gaius.

He lifts his backpack off the recliner and shoves it underneath.

He picks up the vinegar bottle.

What are you doing with my herring? asks Terence.

He can go on the floor, says Gaius. I don't want him in my backpack leaking all over my notes.

He'll roll away! says Terence. Let me have him.

All right, says Gaius. 

He hands Terence the vinegar bottle and sits down on the recliner.

Teeth! says Gaius.

He pulls out his  backpack and starts to feel for his toothbrush.

Finds it, and heads off to the washroom.

Surfing-with-Whales looks up from the game he had started playing.

I've got Gloopy, says Terence. 

Is that what you're calling him? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Yes, says Terence. It's a good name. 

Yeah, he looks like a gloopy, says Surfing-with-Whales. And your shorts still smell bad, by the way.

Maybe someone should wash them, says Terence.

Like you, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Not me, says Terence. 

It sure won't be me, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Okay, says Terence.

Gaius comes back with clean teeth.

He checks his phone.

Ah! a missed call from Vello.

He calls Vello.

Gaius? says Vello. Are you expecting to be here by Thursday?

Yes, says Gaius. We're on the Spirit of Tasmania right now.

Excellent, says Vello. I'm still not sure about this AI version. It seems to have a mind of its own.

Surely not, says Gaius. Doesn't it do what it's told?

Not necessarily, says Vello. It seems to object to some parts of the script.

Example? says Gaius.

You know where you say 'He showed me how I was degrading myself by belonging to an Israelite?'

I do know, says Gaius.

Well it won't say it, says Vello.

Have you tried getting round it? asks Gaius. Or explaining the context?

Of course we have. says Vello. Sweezus is working on it. I just want to be certain you'll be there on the night, with your cushion.

I shall certainly try, says Gaius. By the way I've recently had feedback about the cushion.

Enlighten me, says Vello.

The chap in the bike hire shop in Devonport thought it was funny, says Gaius. He'd been to one of our past productions, and that was the part he remembered.

A detail! says Vello. And that's what he remembered!

He was there with his girlfriend, says Gaius. 

Herring Voice

It's seven pm.

The Spirit of Tasmania is crossing Bass Strait.

Terence is standing at the railing looking skywards.

You won't see him, says Gaius. 

I know, says Terence.

I'm going to have something to eat now, says Gaius. Are you coming?

Okay says Terence.

They go to the cafeteria, where Surfing-with-Whales is already eating.

What are you eating? asks Gaius. 

Cape Grim roast beef, says Surfing with-Whales.

Do you recommend it? asks Gaius.

No, says Surfing-with-Whales. You should order the pasta.

What can I have? asks Terence.

How about a red drink? asks Gaius.

Can I take it back to my recliner? asks Terence.

I don't see why not, says Gaius.

He orders the Farfalle pasta with alfredo sauce, and a red drink for Terence.

Terence takes his red drink back to his recliner.

His recliner is in between two other recliners, one of which holds Gaius's backpack and a vinegar bottle, the other Surfing-with-Whales' s backpack and the skateboard.

Terence relaxes on his recliner, sipping his drink.

The third baby skate ( sorry, herring)  relaxes as only the dead can, in his vinegar bottle.

This is an overnight trip, says Terence, to his herring. You can be on my recliner, if you like.

The herring continues relaxing.

But, says Terence, you might not want to be next to my skateboard.

The herring offers no opinion.

Because it might make you sad, says Terence.

If the herring was not dead, it would have to think about this. Would seeing the skateboad make him sad?

Who are you talking to? asks a little girl who has seen Terence and asked her parents if she can go and make friends with him.

My herring, says Terence. He's in this bottle.

What's his name? asks the little girl.

Gloopy, says Terence (which is a reasonable stab at clupea harengus).

Is he dead? asks the little girl.

Yes, says Terence. And he's on an adventure.

Hello Gloopy, says the little girl. Do you like your adventure?

I love my adventure, says Terence in a herring voice.

That was a good herring voice, says the little girl.

I'm an actor, says Terence. I'm going home to be in a play.

Is it a fish play? asks the little girl.

Why would it be a fish play? asks Terence.

Come along Molly! calls her mother. Time to sleep now!

Bye, says Molly.

Neigghhh! says Terence. 

A horse play! says Molly. 

Correct, says Terence. Bye!

Molly goes off, and Terence rolls over on his recliner to check on Gloopy.

Who seems okay.

Weird Play

Gaius pulls up outside Devonport Bike Hire.

Surfing-with-Whales is inside, talking to Damo.

Yeah, turns out the skates've got a bright future, says Surfing-with-Whales. That's if you believe the environment minister.

So you'll be heading home, says Damo.

Yep, says Surfing-with-Whales. Back to Adelaide, while the Fringe is still on.

Cool, says Damo. I went once. 

What did you go to? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Heaps of things, says Damo. Stand-up, mainly, and my girlfriend took me to see this weird play. 

My friends are in a weird play this year, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

No kidding? says Damo. 

Here they are now, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I've booked our tickets for tonight's crossing, says Gaius. 

I heard you're in a weird play, back in Adelaide, says Damo. 

Not too weird, I hope, says Gaius.

I'm in it, says Terence. I'm a horse, or I might be three horses. 

That is kind of weird, says Damo. What's the play called?

Candide, says Gaius. An excerpt. Using AI this time, which is why Terence can play all three horses.

That rings a bell, says Damo. Candide was the weird play I saw. There was this old lady in it with only one buttock. It was like she had a cushion under her skirt on one side, so on that side it looked massive, and on the other side it looked like she didn't have a bum cheek. Soldiers were meant to have eaten it.

That was I, says Gaius. I specialise in playing the old lady. This year I hope, thanks to AI, we'll be able to do away with the cushion.

It won't be as good, says Damo. The cushion was funny. 

I value your opinion, says Gaius. Now, how much do we owe you?

Call it two hundred, says Damo. Better check the bikes first though.

They go outside.

Looks fine, says Damo. How was the pullalong?

Good, says Terence. So was my skateboard. 

The one I gave you? says Damo.

Yes, the skates had a go on it, says Terence. They learned how to do tricks. But third baby skate had an accident because he was ......

Never mind that, says Gaius.

And now he's a herring, says Terence. 

Ha ha, laughs Damo. You should put that in your play.