Terrible Timing

Scene Two has ended.

Vello comes on.

The old lady's tale has been told, says Vello. And we have learned a valuable lesson. 

What is it? shouts someone.

Vello ignores him.

Scene Three is entitled The German Colonel in the Arbour, says Vello. And yes, we have skipped a few parts.  The lovely Cunégonde has fallen into the clutches of the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and Candide, having escaped, is now meeting a certain German Colonel in Paraguay.

Get on with it! shouts another audience member.

Indeed! says Vello. And good luck in our AI spotting competition.

Keep your eyes peeled, Hedley, whispers his mother.

I am, whispers Hedley. 

Where did you go in the middle of Scene Two? whispers his mother.

Out the back to see Terence, whispers Hedley.

That was nice, whispers Hedley's mother. Did he show you the props?

Yes,whispers Hedley, but I decided I'll ask for the poem.

That's very mature of you Hedley, whispers his mother.

Scene Three begins.

Arthur comes on, dressed as a German Colonel, with his red ear tips and arched eyebrows.

Candide enters, as though being conducted by soldiers.

So you are a German, says the German Colonel.

Birds twitter in the arbour. Hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets, and a bottle.

A bottle?

The bottle swings from a branch of a tree.

Yes, your reverence, says Candide.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh, says Candide.

Good gracious, says the German Colonel. Can it really be you?

This is beyond the bounds of possiblity! says Candide. You are Cunégonde's brother! But weren't you killed by the Bulgars?

They embrace. 

Candide tells the German Colonel the good news. Cunegonde is alive! But will need to be rescued.

We shall do it together! says the German Colonel.

The bottle drops out of the tree.

Smash! Vinegar goes everywhere.

And a dead something, maybe a herring, lies inert on the stage.

What terrible timing.

That's what I long for, says Candide, because I am hoping to marry her!

You insolent fellow! cries the German Colonel, striking Candide with the flat of his sword.

Candide springs back, draws his own sword, and plunges it into the German Colonel's stomach.

The German Colonel, who had in rehearsal perfected his death scene, instead slips on a herring.