Poisoned Hot Chocolate

Scene Two. The Voyage.

Sweezus has done a good job with the scenery.

Candide, Cunégonde and the old lady appear to be on a ship, on their way to Cadiz.

Not only the background is moving, but also the floorboards.

Up and down go the floorboards.

An albatross wings its way by.

Squaawk! It emits a realistic albatross warning.

Candide and Cunégonde are both complaining. Can this be the best of all possible worlds, when things have gone so badly?

Stop complaining, you two, says the old lady. Your misfortunes are nothing like mine.

How can you claim that! says Cunégonde. Unless you have been ravished by Bulgars, had two stabs in your belly and your country house demolished, seen your parents butchered before your eyes, and then had to serve as a kitchen maid.....

If you knew my story, says the old woman, you wouldn't talk as you do.

Then tell us your story, says Cunégonde.

I have not always been a servant, begins the old lady. I am the daughter of Pope Urban X and the Princess of Palestrina.....

Hedley is bored. Where are the horses?

Who cares about the old woman's story? Not him. He looks across at his mother. But she is engrossed.

I was betrothed to a handsome young prince of Massa-Carrara, but he died hours before our wedding, due to drinking poisoned hot chocolate, says the old lady.

Poisoned hot chocolate! But Hedley is no longer listening. He has slipped off his seat and made his way backstage, to find Terence.

My mother and I sailed for our estate in Gaeta, but on the way we were captured by Moorish pirates, says the old lady. We and our ladies in waiting were stripped naked. The pirates probed us with their fingers, looking for diamonds.....

Hedley might have liked that part.

Or he might not.

But no matter. He has found Terence, at the back of the Piglet.

Terence is re-winding the string round the neck of his vinegar bottle.

Hi! says Hedley!

Hedley! says Terence. Did you see me? I was a horse.

A pony, says Hedley. 

Okay a pony, says Terence. Did you notice its tail?

Yes, says Hedley. A bottle with something inside it. 

That's Gloopy, says Terence. He's dead. But he's still having adventures.

Let's see, says Hedley.

He looks into the vinegar bottle and sees Gloopy. 

What is it? asks Hedley.

We have to pretend he's a herring, says Terence.

He doesn't look much like herring, says Hedley.

He's unrolled a bit lately, says Terence.