Not Missing the Bicycles

Scene four is about to begin, when Le Bon David appears, in one of the doorways of the wooden box, in the character of Dr Pangloss:

Dr Pangloss: I have been hanged and dissected by the Holy Inquisition. That is why you did not see me in scene three.

Candide: Oh yes, we forgot to do that bit.

Cunegonde: Never mind. Let the Old Woman tell her story.

Old Woman: Yes, now to tell you my story. I am the daughter of Pope Pius X and the Princess Palestrina. When I was young, I was very beautiful. My mother and I were captured by Moorish pirates and since that time I suffered slavery, ravishment, famine and plague and also the death of my mother.

Heckler: How did you lose half your arse?

Cunegonde ( severely): What a coarse question! But yes, Old Woman, do tell us how.

Old Woman: I'm coming to that. At one time I belonged to the harem of a Turkish captain, who was defending a fortress from the Russians. The Russians were starving us out. Our soldiers had sworn never to surrender, so they ate the two eunuchs and then they decided to eat the women.

Cunegonde: How dreadful! What happened?

Old Woman: A Mohammedan priest who was in the fortress persuaded the soldiers to cut just one buttock off each of us ladies instead, which they did. Fortunately for us the seige ended soon after that. I have grown old in misery and shame and wanted to kill myself a hundred times but somehow I am still in love with life.

Candide: There is certainly a great deal of suffering in the world.

Dr Pangloss: And yet all is for the best.

Candide: I don't think it is. But it seems to me what is best is to work together and not argue.

Dutchman: Excuse me. Would you mind winding it up now? It's time for the next show.

Cunegonde: Certainly. We have finished anyway. Thank you for coming everyone. We'll be back next year with more excerpts from Candide.We hope you enjoyed the show and didn't miss the bicycles in the second half.

Old Woman: I didn't!

Audience: Ha ha ! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Candide on Wheels

It is early evening. The philosophers are cycling to the Garden of Unearthly Delights, on bicycles which they have hired from the Adelaide City Council. Belle et Bonne asks The VeloDrone about his idea.

Belle et Bonne: What is your idea, papa? Do tell us.

The VeloDrone: I suppose I should have told you before. We are going to perform in the Garden, scenes from Candide. I shall play Candide.

Le Bon David: What a grand idea. I shall play Dr Pangloss.

Belle et Bonne: And I shall play Cunegonde.

Marie: Then I shall play the old woman, with one buttock.

They arrive at the Garden of Unearthly Delights. Dismounting, they wheel their bicycles to a bare patch of grass. The VeloDrone, due to his pulpy hair and red sticky face, attracts some funny looks.

The VeloDrone: Roll up! Roll up! In two minutes time we shall give a performance of scenes from Candide! See the handsome young Candide kicked out by Baron Thunder-ten-Tronckh, because of his passion for the Baron's daughter, the lovely Cunegonde!! See him kidnapped by the Bulgars and given four thousand lashes. Hear what happened to Dr Pangloss and the lovely Cunegonde! Learn how the old woman lost her buttock!

A large crowd gathers. The play begins:

Candide ( getting on his bicycle) : Scene one. Oh ! I have been driven from the mansion of my natural father the Baron with kicks to the backside.

Dr Pangloss: There is no effect without cause! You were seen behind a screen with Cungonde!

Candide: Farewell! ( he cycles away, stopping behind the Frilly Knickers stall )

He returns.

Candide: Scene two. Oh! I have been given four thousand lashes by the Bulgars for desertion after being kidnapped! It hurts! But who is this old beggar?

Dr Pangloss: Do you not recognise your old tutor Dr Pangloss?

Candide: What happened to you? Your nose has rotted away, your mouth is all askew and your teeth are black.

Dr Pangloss: I caught a venereal disease from the maid Paquette. But I must tell you what has happened to Cunegonde!

Candide: Oh, tell me! What?

Dr Pangloss: She has been disembowelled and ravished by the Bulgars. She is dead!

Candide: No!

Dr Pangloss: Don't worry. She will nevertheless be in scene three!

Belle et Bonne is just getting ready for her scene, when two burly security guards appear, and, apprehending the four philosophers, lock them inside a wooden box.

Adelaide Street Circuit

Who wants to do the Adelaide Street Circuit anyway? sighed Jean Paul Sartre, swallowing the last piece of the snapper which The VeloDrone had cycled into Willunga earlier to buy. It's so pleasant and peaceful here.

Is it? snapped The VeloDrone. Tell me again, Jean Paul, why is it that an existentialist always carries string?

Ah! dear fellow, an existentialist is the practical type, pragmatic, always ready to change tack at the drop of a hat. Unlike your own philosophy, which is that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

The VeloDrone looked like thunder. What? he cried, you have misunderstood my book Candide! That is the foolish philosophy of Docter Pangloss! My own philosophy is that everyone should stay at home and mind his own business!

Advice you fail to take, evidently, interjected Freud, with a snapper-rich smirk.

Ingrates! shouted the VeloDrone. Who was it cycled all the way into Willunga this morning so you could have fish for breakfast?

Yes, calm down, gentlemen, please, said Le Bon David. We all have reason to be grateful to The VeloDrone. And perhaps we would have all been better off to have remained at home. But I for one am pleased to have come to the Tour Down Under. In spite of everything, I feel I have learned a lot. For example, about the limited usefulness of string.

I can think of a good use for it, muttered The VeloDrone. But, of course, we ought to count our blessings. In Willunga this morning I discovered a most excellent cheese shop called The Blessed Cheese.

Oh I don't suppose you brought any back with you? asked Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Because has anybody thought what we are going to do for lunch?