Not Missing the Bicycles

Scene four is about to begin, when Le Bon David appears, in one of the doorways of the wooden box, in the character of Dr Pangloss:

Dr Pangloss: I have been hanged and dissected by the Holy Inquisition. That is why you did not see me in scene three.

Candide: Oh yes, we forgot to do that bit.

Cunegonde: Never mind. Let the Old Woman tell her story.

Old Woman: Yes, now to tell you my story. I am the daughter of Pope Pius X and the Princess Palestrina. When I was young, I was very beautiful. My mother and I were captured by Moorish pirates and since that time I suffered slavery, ravishment, famine and plague and also the death of my mother.

Heckler: How did you lose half your arse?

Cunegonde ( severely): What a coarse question! But yes, Old Woman, do tell us how.

Old Woman: I'm coming to that. At one time I belonged to the harem of a Turkish captain, who was defending a fortress from the Russians. The Russians were starving us out. Our soldiers had sworn never to surrender, so they ate the two eunuchs and then they decided to eat the women.

Cunegonde: How dreadful! What happened?

Old Woman: A Mohammedan priest who was in the fortress persuaded the soldiers to cut just one buttock off each of us ladies instead, which they did. Fortunately for us the seige ended soon after that. I have grown old in misery and shame and wanted to kill myself a hundred times but somehow I am still in love with life.

Candide: There is certainly a great deal of suffering in the world.

Dr Pangloss: And yet all is for the best.

Candide: I don't think it is. But it seems to me what is best is to work together and not argue.

Dutchman: Excuse me. Would you mind winding it up now? It's time for the next show.

Cunegonde: Certainly. We have finished anyway. Thank you for coming everyone. We'll be back next year with more excerpts from Candide.We hope you enjoyed the show and didn't miss the bicycles in the second half.

Old Woman: I didn't!

Audience: Ha ha ! Clap! Clap! Clap!