Without Wheels

Later that evening, in the Nothing is Really Difficult box, a large crowd has gathered for the free show, Candide on Wheels. The VeloDrone enters.

The VeloDrone: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Candide on Wheels, which suffered an untimely interruption three nights ago. We now present scene three, in which the lovely Cunegonde and the handsome young Candide are reunited thanks to the Old Woman with only one buttock. Please note that tonight's production will be played without bicycles. He withdraws.

Enter The VeloDrone, as Candide, and Marie, as the Old Woman.

Candide: Who are you?

Old Woman: Never mind. I am taking you to see someone.

Candide: Who can it be?

They walk over to the far side of the box.

A heckler: Where are your bicycles?

Candide: Shut up! This show isn't interactive!

Old Woman: Behold your beloved!

Candide: Cunegonde! But I thought you had been ravished and disembowelled!

Cunegonde: People don't always die of such mishaps!

Candide: Tell me what happened?

Cunegonde: Bulgars came to my home, cut the throats of my father and brother, and made mincemeat of my mother.

Candide: O poor you!

Cunegonde: I was ravished by a soldier, who wounded me in the left thigh. I was then rescued by his captain who took me as a prisoner of war. I had to wash his shirts and cook his meals. After three months he sold me to a Jew, who brought me here to Portugal. He installed me in this country house and shares me with the Grand Inquisitor.

Candide: How dreadful.

Old Woman: Indeed, some terrible things have happened to Cunegonde, but worse things have happened to me. Would you like to hear my story? If you would, stay seated for scene four.

Heckler: Where are the bicycles?

Old Woman: I have only one buttock! I'm very glad we're on foot.

Heckler, and the rest of the audience: Ha ha! Bravo! Very good!