Tattoo

Time to go, Lavender, said Baby Pierre.

But Lavender was already at the front door.

Are you really my cousin? asked Baby Pierre, as they waited at the bus stop.

Your mummy's my auntie, said Lavender. So's Kobo.

They're not really sisters, said Baby Pierre. Mummy's a stone and Kobo's a fossilised clam.

I'm not a stone or a fossilised clam, said Lavender.

What are you? asked Baby Pierre. You look like a stone to me.

The stone part's not me, said Lavender. I'm the indentation.

You mean you're a hole? said Baby Pierre, astonished.

I'm the space where a shell used to be, said Lavender.

Baby Pierre found this hard to believe. She was saying she didn't exist.

Girls! he thought. They just make things up.

The bus came along. They got on. The bus passed some shops.

Oh look, Baby Pierre! said Lavender excitedly. Lords of Ink! It's a tattoo parlour! I always wanted a tattoo.

Baby Pierre was disgusted.

How can you get a tattoo, he said, when you're just empty space?

Lavender's face fell. Baby Pierre felt sorry.

I suppose you could get one on your bottom, he conceded.

But Lavender did not brighten up.

Travel Free and Sit Where You Please

Baby Pierre and Frog waited at the bus stop.

A bus came along, and stopped. They clambered on.

You're supposed to hail the bus, said the driver. But I've made an exception in your case, as neither of you have arms.

Thank you driver, said Baby Pierre. I am Baby Pierre and this is Frog.

You don't need to tell me your names, said the driver. Where do you want to go?

To the Library, said Baby Pierre.

Then you're on the right bus, said the driver. And as a baby, you get to travel free.

Wait a minute said Baby Pierre. I am not strictly speaking a baby. I am a small stone. I am young for a stone, I admit, and innocent in the ways of the world, but I daresay I'm at least million years old.

Then you qualify as a senior, said the driver, and you may still travel free.

What a system, said Baby Pierre. Come on Frog.

Wait, said the driver. Is he really a frog?

No, I'm not, said Frog, speaking up for himself. I'm a small green tomato. Do I need to pay?

If you were a frog, said the driver, you would have to travel in the care of an adult and remain at all times enclosed in a box. But as you are a vegetable...

A vegetable! squeaked Frog. I'm a fruit!

A fruit then, said the driver hurriedly. As you are a fruit you may travel free and sit where you please.

Thank you driver, said Frog, as he and Baby Pierre moved to the back of the bus.

Well! said Frog. It is evident that a great deal of discrimination goes on in the wide world. He didn't say you had to be in a box in the care of an adult when he thought you were a baby!

Indeed, said Baby Pierre. That does seem unfair. But as we have both turned out be members of privileged classes, let us be glad.

Identity: Frog and Baby Pierre

Baby Pierre set off immediately. After all, he had nothing to pack. He scanned the window sill looking for an easy way down. At the end of the sill he saw a small green tomato, sitting on its own. He approached it boldly.

Hello! he said. I'm Baby Pierre. Who are you?

I don't know, said the small green tomato. Who do I look like?

You look like a tomato, except you're not red. You're green and marbled, like a frog.

Green, am I? said the small green tomato. Are you saying that I should be red?

No Frog, I'm not saying that, said Baby Pierre. But one day you're bound to turn red.

How do you know? asked Frog.

Everything turns red in the end, said Baby Pierre. That's my theory. My daddy is already red. He wants me to wear a red hat. But I'm not ready to wear it. You and me, Frog, we are the same. Not ready to be red.

Frog looked doubtful.

Come with me, said Baby Pierre. I'm off to explore the wide world.

Alright said Frog, impulsively. Where shall we go first?

To the bus stop, said Baby Pierre. I believe it is over the road.

On His Own Head

The VeloDrone sticks the four boxes of blackberries under his hat. This has the effect of enabling him to see, but also of raising the hat. The four friends walk to the bus stop, to catch the bus back to the city. The bus arrives. Le Bon David, Marie and Belle et Bonne get on. The VeloDrone sets one foot on the step.

Bus Driver: Excuse me sir, you'll need to remove your hat before boarding the bus.

The VeloDrone: Nonsense! There is no law against wearing a hat on the bus.

Bus Driver: True. But you will not be able to get on the bus because your hat is too high.

The VeloDrone: I don't believe it. I shall get on and see.

Bus Driver: Then be it on your own head.

The VeloDrone: Ha! Very funny!

He steps up gingerly. His hat hits the roof of the bus, the tasselled point bends and is crushed. A trickle of deep red liquid rolls past his nose and into his mouth.

Bus Driver: Blood rule! Blood rule! Get off the bus.

The VeloDrone: That isn't blood, you ignoramus, it's blackberry juice. (He licks his lips.)

Bus Driver: Assistance! Assistance! We have an emergency!

Belle et Bonne gets up and comes to the front of the bus.

Belle et Bonne: What's the trouble, papa?

Bus Driver: Is this gentleman with you?

Belle et Bonne: Yes he is. What's the matter!

Bus driver: He's bleeding.

Belle et Bonne: Oh dear. Are you bleeding papa?

The VeloDrone: No, of course not! It's these cursed blackberries.

Belle et Bonne: It's only blackberry juice, driver. I'll help him to wipe it off.

Bus Driver: Alright then, miss, but he'll have to sit up here in the disabled section where I can keep an eye on him.

The VeloDrone: I refuse to sit here! There are no proper seats.

Belle et Bonne: It's alright, papa. Look, you pull the seats down like this. I'll sit next to you. And I'll find you a hankie.

The VeloDrone: (glaring at the bus driver): Thank you, my dear. And perhaps you could straighten my hat.

How To Live

How to live. The main subject of philosophy. Knowing how to live is making right choices.
So how did I choose to live today?

It was very hot. I had decided to catch the bus into town. I walked out of the front door. I walked past the bus stop. I didn't want to catch a bus and use my seniors card. After twenty minutes of hotness I chose to stop being a fool.

I met my mum. We had lunch. She wanted a salad, but I wanted sushi. I went to the sushi bar and stood in the queue. Suddenly the queue melted away and I had to choose quickly. I chose the Mixed Pack, without knowing what it contained.

The concert was the last of the series for the year. It was a competition between 2 clarinets, a french horn and a soprano. We thought the soprano would win. It didn't matter what we thought; we weren't the judges. The first of the 2 clarinets won. She had played Stockhausen.

After the competition it was time for refreshments in the foyer. There were 10 plastic cups with 2 cm of champagne in them, and one that was over half full. I chose that one. There were chicken nuggets, sandwiches and vegetarian fritata on offer as well. I took one nugget, and one fritata.

Then, I chose to have an orange juice, for my second drink.

Now it was shopping time. We went to the Oxfam shop and looked at knicknacks, with an eye to Xmas. I thought of buying, but chose not to buy: a paper bowl, a beaded brooch, a wooden cockerel, a jewelled box and a ceramic frog. I chose to buy a painted leather ring. But not before trying on at least ten different ones and dropping one on the floor.

Next I go to the central market. Now I am with someone else. He has seen some cheap and tasty mulloway. He knows it is tasty because he was offered a sample. We decide to buy a large fillet of mulloway. We choose the fillet we will ask for, then someone whips the tray away, to fill it up. We buy a fillet anyway, but we have no idea which one we've got.

Right. So now I'm going to examine my list of actions.

Okay, I'm thinking.... hmmmm ..... oh dear.... but no, not too bad...... it's not very easy, this.

Voice of God: Give yourself a score out of ten!!

Me: Oh what a good idea, thank you God.

Voice of God: Well then?

Me: What?

God; What's your score?

Me: Eight out of ten.

God: I knew it. But I would be more inclined to give you six.

Me: Lucky you're not in charge!

Confounded Travels

Pliny and Nostradamus walked to Officeworks this morning to buy an expandable folder. A sheeny white moth crossed the path from left to right in front of them, looking a little frazzled. There were people in colourful clothing sitting at the bus stop over the road.

A woman with a brokendown car was standing at the narrow gravelled gap to the Officeworks carpark, talking to someone on her phone. Pliny and Nostradamus were irritated. They had to walk round her. Inside the shop they looked for the right sort of folder.


They chose one that they thought would do the job. But they had no cash so they had to buy more items. They bought a giant envelope, some Blutack, a Baby Einstein counting book. They paid by eftpos.


On the way home they noticed that the colourfully dressed people were still waiting at the bus stop, and there was no bus in sight.

This reminded Nostradamus that he and Pliny had to go and visit Pliny's mum in the afternoon.