Penguin Pie

Gaius returned with his pie in a brown paper bag.

Francine and the children came back from the interpretive centre.

Is he boring you with stories about the war? asked Francine.

No he isn't, said Sweezus.

You should've come with us, said Francine. We found out all sorts of interesting things about penguins. Didn't we children?

But the children were eying off Gaius' brown paper bag.

Did you know, for example, that penguins have backwards-pointing spines on their tongues to help them with swallowing their prey? she continued. And they have extra eyelids as well.

How INTERESTING, said Gaius. If you'd stayed here and listened you would have learned that from me.

Oh but there were illustrative panels in the interpretive centre, said Francine. So much more interesting for the children.

I want a pie, said Catherine.

Me too! said Jean.

No children, you've just had some snacks, said Francine. You can't have a whole pie. But I'm sure if you ask Uncle Gaius, he'll give you each a nice big piece of his pie.

Sorry, said Gaius. They won't like this pie.

Yes we will! said Catherine. We will!

No you won't, said Gaius.

Why? asked Catherine.

It's a penguin pie! said Gaius.

Catherine and Jean began to cry, and the grownups looked shocked.

Far out! said Sweezus. No wonder their numbers are down!

Dad-on-Holiday

The Camus family, Sweezus and Gaius walked over to Granite Island via the causeway.

What are we going to see? asked Camus, in a dad-on-holiday voice.

PENGUINS! shouted the twins.

Fairy penguins, said Francine.

FAIRY PENGUINS! cried Catherine.

Where? asked Jean,looking around at the bare granite rocks.

We have to look for them, said Sweezus. They live in their burrows. Let's climb up these steps.

They climbed the steps, stopping at the top to admire the spectacular view of the ocean waves crashing onto the rocks below.

How beautiful, said Francine.

Penguins! said Catherine. I want to see penguins!

Where are they? asked Camus. I thought they'd be all over the place.

Oh no, said Gaius. They'll be out fishing. But look over there. Those are their burrows.

Where? said Catherine.

Those holes under the rocks, said Sweezus. See all the white marks? That's their poo.

Poopoo! said Jean.

Poopoo! said Catherine. Mummy, I need the toilet.

Me too, said Jean.

Oh merde! said Camus. Francine where is the toilet?

Back down the steps, said Francine. Would you like to take them?

Alright, sighed Camus. Just give me the wipes.

He took the twins by the hand and set off heavily down the wooden steps.

Francine sat down on a rock. Sweezus and Gaius did the same.

We don't know much about penguins, she admitted. We should have done more research.

I know something, said Gaius. I've made a study of birds. There are only one hundred and fifty fairy penguins left on this island. There used to be more. You see that small island over there? That's West Island. Over two thousand fairy penguins live there. And that's because it's difficult for humans to reach.

The children will be disappointed, said Francine. Let's hope the kiosk is open.

Yes, let's hope so, said Gaius. My breakfast has completely worn off.

Mine too, said Sweezus. I'm starving! Let's go down before the others come back.

Many Different Kinds

Sweezus knocked on the door of the Camus family's apartment.

Sweezus! cried the twins. Come and play penguins!

Not now, said Sweezus. I'm starving. What's for breakfast?

Mini-Wheats, said Francine. The children don't much like them.

Oh, said Sweezus. Shall I help myself?

Please do, said Francine. I'll get the coffee.

Camus was at the table eating toast and strawberry jam.

Sweezus, he said, contemplatively. Why does your name seem so familiar?

Are you on Twitter? asked Sweezus. Perhaps you follow me.

Twitter? said Camus. I think not. I have no interest in the social media.

Don't knock it till you try it, said Sweezus. It helps me with my writing. I've just completed a creative writing course. My teacher encouraged me to tweet.

What do you tweet about? asked Camus.

The night sky, said Sweezus. It's really cool. No one else is doing it. One of my followers wrote and told me I ought to be a writter.

A writter? said Camus. What's a writter?

I assumed they meant a writer, said Sweezus. And they couldn't spell.

That's good, said Camus. It means you're making progress, when you start to get some feedback.

That's what I think, said Sweezus, but I just don't seem able to write this article for Marie and Belle et Bonne. A bicycle story I can do, but it's the philosophical aspect that's holding me up.

Aha, said Camus. Just write about what you know.

Yeah, exactly, said Sweezus. And philosophy isn't my thing.

There are many different kinds of philosophy, said Camus. Existentialism, absurdism, determinism, nihilism, naturalism, stoicism.......

You're kidding me! said Sweezus. Wow!

The Imaginary Fish

We're Fairy Penguins! said Catherine. Let's catch fish!

Alright! said Sweezus, in a penguin voice.

Catherine, Jean and Sweezus waddled into the bathroom.

There's one! said Jean. I caught it!

Let's cook it! said Catherine.

They waddled into a bedroom.

Where's the oven? asked Penguin Sweezus.

Here it is, said Catherine, and shoved the imaginary fish between two pillows.

....

Meanwhile Gaius, Camus and Francine were still sitting at the table.

Your friend is good with children, said Francine. Would you two like to stay with us tonight? We have spare rooms.

Thank you for the offer, said Gaius, but this place is too luxurious. We have booked a cabin at the local caravan park which will be perfectly adequate for our needs.

As you like, said Camus. But will you come with us to Granite Island in the morning? We're going to look for Fairy Penguins.

We would love to, said Gaius. Wouldn't we? he added, seeing Penguin Sweezus who had poked his head around the door to look for sharks.

Ooh! A shark! squeaked Sweezus. Stay inside, you two!

Sea eagles and seals are far more dangerous to penguins, said Gaius. In case you didn't know.

The fish is burning! cried Catherine, from the bedroom.

And they don't cook fish! said Gaius crossly.

Chill out, said Sweezus. It's just a game.

He came back to the table and sat down.

I've been thinking, he said to Camus. What you said about the weather being irrelevant. You wrote The Stranger, right?

Right, said Camus.

About a guy who kills an Arab with a gun, Sweezus continued. And why does he kill the Arab?

He doesn't ever give an explanation, said Camus. Other than being bothered by the heat and glaring sunlight on the beach.

That's weather! said Sweezus. I rest my case.

Ha ha! said Francine. Albert, you've been outsmarted by a penguin!

Francine, don't be absurd, said Camus.

Absurdism and the Weather

Later that evening, over Kentucky Fried Chicken in the Camus family apartment, they quizzed Camus on his philosophy.

What did you mean by life's absurdities? asked Sweezus.

I used the term quite loosely, said Camus, taking another helping of mashed potato and gravy from a cardboard bowl. I say this really is disgusting.

Have some chips then, Albert, said Francine. If you don't mind that the twins have covered them in sauce.

Thanks, said Camus. Now where was I? Yes, I am a proponent of Absurdism. By that I mean to say that life itself is meaningless. Or rather that the human mind cannot comprehend it.

Awesome, said Sweezus. I sometimes think that too, when the weather's bad.

Absurdism has nothing to do with the weather, said Camus.

I think you'll find it does, said Sweezus. What do you think Gaius?

The weather? said Gaius. What on earth are you talking about? And what is Absurdism but a load of modern nonsense? My philosophy is a simple one, but indisputable. All excess is bad. For example, having chips AND mashed potato at dinner.

That was unavoidable, said Francine. The cardboard mashed potato comes free with the Kentucky Fried Chicken.

That's no excuse, said Gaius. Why then did you order chips?

It really isn't your affair, said Francine. But the children like them.

Just then the children came running up to Sweezus.

Come and play Fairy Penguins, Uncle Sweezus! cried Catherine.

Yes, come and play! said Jean.

Alright, said Sweezus, standing up and waddling off behind them.

Hooking Up With Camus

I'm all ears, said Sweezus, swigging on his Diet Coke and crunching up three macarons in quick succession. What's your brilliant idea?

It's this, said Marie. You know how you've been mooning around the office for ages, and you still haven't written anything of note...

What about my moon tweets? said Sweezus, looking offended.

Admirable, said Marie, but what we want's an article on bicycle philosophy. Now, our friend Camus has told us that he needs a bit of help finishing his own contribution, which is due at the end of the week. How about you two hooking up with him? You might get some inspiration, Sweezus, and you, Gaius....

Me, said Gaius. What have I to do with this? I have no need of inspiration. You never even waited to hear what I was planning to write.

Sorry Gaius dear, said Belle et Bonne. What was it?

As a matter of fact, said Gaius, I came here in such a hurry after I remembered my promise that I have only a very vague idea.

Exactly, said Marie. I thought as much. Working with Camus will help you crystallise your own idea. Camus is a very clever chap, he won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1957.

Humph, said Gaius.

But there's another more important reason why we need you, Gaius, said Belle et Bonne quickly. We know that you are very good at solving mysteries.

I am? said Gaius. Oh yes, the bicycle mystery. But what mystery do you need solving now?

Unfortunately, Camus has gone missing, said Belle et Bonne.

Sweezus whistled.

And you want us to find him!

Yes, said Marie. But we only have one clue. We know he's somewhere down at Victor Harbor looking for fairy penguins, but we don't know where he's staying.