Vertical Crack!

Next morning, in the Velosophy office.

Vello stands on a table.

Shake the table, says Vello.

David lifts up one end.

Vello wobbles.

Not too much! says Vello. Where is Arthur?

Not here yet, says Belle. Shall I take his part?

Yes, says Vello. Strike me excitedly.

Belle gets up on the table and strikes Vello from behind.

He tumbles off the table.

Are you all right? asks Belle.

I'm supposed to be flat out on the poop deck, says Vello. Not in the sea.

I know, says Belle. I'm sure Arthur will be better at it.

Enter Gaius and Kierkegaard in their black cloaks, followed by Terence in his badly tacked socks, and Baby Pierre, who is not wearing his costume, because it was a failure.

Greetings, says Gaius. I see you're already hard at it.

Yes, says David. We're having to do without Arthur. He and Sweezus are late.

Where's our Narrator? asks Vello.

Coming up the stairs, says Gaius. You know how difficult it is for a lobster.

David goes out to help Captain Baudin up the stairs.

What's happened to Terence's socks? asks Belle. Why are they gaping?

Gaius cut the heels off, says Terence.

An unfortunate failure, says Gaius. 

Never mind, says Belle. I'll fix them. What terrible tacking! And what have you done with the heels?

Here, says Gaius. I tried to fashion these small socks for Baby Pierre, but he doesn't like them.

Tube socks! says Baby Pierre. 

I see, says Belle. I'll see what I can do to make them more sock-like.

They need heels, says Baby Pierre.

No they don't! says Terence. Mine don't have heels now. And you're my stand-in.

He can't be your stand-in! cries Vello. He's a pebble!

He knows all the songs, says Terence. And he made up a new one: 

Vertical crack! Vertical crack! Don't call me dip-slip! I'm a vertical crack! sings Terence.

I say, says David, coming in with Captain Baudin. That's rather jolly!

Bonjour tout le monde! says Captain Baudin. Sorry to be late. Shall we get started?

The sooner the better, says Vello. Do you plan to talk over the Storm and Earthquake or would you like silence?

Silence, says Captain Baudin.

Everyone is silent except for the sound of  Belle's needle pushing through Terence's socks, and David, looking in the cupboard for biscuits, and Vello, rubbing his vertical crack, which may have been injured when he fell off the table. Let's hope not. 

Perfectly Orageuse

Socks off! says Gaius, coming in with the scissors.

Terence complies.

Gaius starts snipping through the heels of the socks.

Careful! says Terence.

I'm always careful, says Gaius.

Ageless comes over.

Look what's happening, says Terence. I'm not happy.

What's going on? asks Ageless.

I'm getting a costume, says Baby Pierre. It's going to be made out of Terence's socks.

Are you in the play now? asks Ageless.

As a stand-in, says Baby Pierre. 

Ha ha, laughs Ageless. Socks for the stand-in.

Gaius laughs too. He and Ageless have similar senses of humour.

Done! says Gaius.

I could do with a stand-in, says Ageless.

He has just thought of this.

He says it again, louder, so Kobo will hear him.

Kobo is helping Captain Baudin.

Kobo: It was a dark and stormy night.

Captain Baudin: I like it.

Kobo: But do you get the sub-text?

Captain Baudin: There's a sub-text?

Kobo. Yes, Snoopy used to say it. But if you don't get it...

Captain Baudin: What if I say this? It was a DARK and ORAGEUSE night.

Kobo: Orageuse? Yes, that's perfect.

It is now she hears Ageless saying he could do with a stand-in.

She is diverted.

Ageless! I'll be your stand-in.

Beloved! cries Ageless. You will make the perfect Old Woman. And you won't need a costume.

Enough of that! says Kobo. If you have a costume, your stand-in must wear the same costume.

Hear that, dip-slip! says Terence. 

I'm not wearing the tee shirt, says Baby Pierre.

Quite right too, says Ageless. You don't want to cover the Mark of the Claw.

Did you call him a dip-slip? asks Gaius, who is now tacking the heels of Terence's socks.

Yes it's an Earthquake word, says Terence. It's going to be in my song. Listen. 

He starts dancing.

Watch out people a dip-slip is coming! You're falling in and drowning. HEY!

Are you sure you know what a dip-slip is? asks Gaius.

Yes! dances Terence. 

A dip-slip fault is an inclined fracture where the blocks have slipped vertically, says Gaius.

Yes, dances Terence, not really taking this in.

Crackbrain Dip-slip

They are all back inside now, except for the red-back.

I'm going to work on my song, says Terence. Want to help me?

No, says Baby Pierre.

You can be my stand-in, says Terence. I'm having a costume.

Would I have to wear it? asks Baby Pierre. 

Only when I can't be in it, says Terence. 

What's it like? asks Baby Pierre.

A black and yellow and purple tee shirt, and these socks, says Terence.

I would only wear the socks, says Baby Pierre.

Why not the tee shirt? asks Terence. There'll be lightning on it, that's the yellow.

I bear the Mark of the Claw, says Baby Pierre. And I like people to see it.

Terence looks at Baby Pierre, who is a pebble.

He is pebble-shaped for that reason, but has vestigial legs.

Otherwise how could he have been so successful as a Tour de France rider, albeit unregistered?

Who can forget his famous green fluoro-elastane o-rings?

But back to the question of his costume.

Isn't the Mark of the Claw on your head? asks Terence. People could still see it.

Only from above, says Baby Pierre.

And sorry, says Terence, but these socks are too big even for me. They're loose at the back, see?

That's a good thing, says Baby Pierre. Is Belle making the costumes?

She's making mine, says Terence.

Well, says Baby Pierre. Problem solved. We'll ask Belle to snip the heels off, and make me some little socks out of them.

They'll look like cups, says Terence, visualising Baby Pierre in floppy cup socks.

A bit of stitching required, says Gaius, who has been listening. Otherwise it's a wonderful idea. 

But MY socks'll have holes in, says Terence.

They too will require stitching, says Gaius. In fact, if you like, I can do it right now and save Belle the trouble.

He goes off to find scissors.

Terence looks at Baby Pierre, who thought up this idea and is therefore the one whose fault it is that his glorious socks will be ruined.

Dumb crackbrain dip-slip! says Terence.

Stick-slip sucker! says Baby Pierre.

He will make a good stand-in.

Foof!

Don't mind me, says the red-back spider. I'll just wait under there.

She strolls to an old wooden bench next to a table that Gaius rarely uses except when he propagates plants.

Wedges herself into a dark dusty corner, next to a bench leg.

There are other webs there, which is annoying. 

Terence gets on the scooter, and scoots across the pavers, turning sharply at the fence, and colliding with a bin.

Clumsy, observes the red-back spider.

Loser, laughs Baby Pierre.

Terence gets up and wheels the scooter back to the table.

Your turn, says Terence, to Baby Pierre.

I'll pass, says Baby Pierre.

Hey! says Terence. Is it really your scooter?

Why are you asking? asks Baby Pierre.

Because you're too short to reach the handlebars, says Terence. So you wouldn't be able to steer it. Unless you had a ladder, But if you were up a ladder, your feet wouldn't reach to the ground so you wouldn't go anywhere.

He's had plenty of accidents, says the red-back. Why do you think I came out and sat over here?

You like accidents, says Terence. 

No I don't like being IN them, says the red-back. I like quietly lurking until something edible comes by.

What comes by under a scooter? asks Terence.

You'd be surprised, says the red-back. I once met a small lizard. When I say met, I mean I injected it with poison, and wrapped it in silk. It lasted for ages.

You should be in our play, says Terence. It's about bad things that happen. 

What's bad about me eating a lizard? asks the red-back. 

Kierkegaard slides the back door open and comes out, in his cloak.

Hello? Have you been scooting?

I crashed, says Terence. We're talking to a spider. She ate a lizard. 

Let me see this spider, says Kierkegaard.

He peers into the dark dusty corner.

I say! Gaius! calls Kierkegaard. A spider with a red back! Is it poisonous?

Let me see, says Gaius, coming out in his cloak.

Indeed. A black widow. The venom is poisonous, but she won't bite you if you just let her be.

Unless you're a lizard, says Baby Pierre. 

This is all very interesting, NOT, says the red-back. Is the scooting over?

Everyone looks at one another.

Yes, it seems that it is.

Gaius replaces the scooter in the corner, beside the back door.

The red-back strolls back to the dark place under the scooter where she had been lurking, and settles.

Foof! What a morning.

The Red-Back Emerges

Terence returns (no longer dancing) to Gaius's back garden.

Hello loser, says Baby Pierre, who is also outside.

Hello loser, says Terence.

Where've you been? asks Baby Pierre.

The Inquisition, says Terence. What's an auto-da-fé?

An electric car, says Baby Pierre.

Could it stop an earthquake? asks Terence.

No way, says Baby Pierre. Or it might be French. In which case it could be a fairy.

How could a car be a fairy? asks Terence.

Not the car, loser, says Baby Pierre. The FAY!

I hope it's a FAY! says Terence. Then it can't stop me.

Ever heard of magic? asks Baby Pierre.

Yes. It's not real, says Terence. Anyway it's just a play. I'm the Storm and Earthquake. Nothing can stop me but WORDS.

The Storm abates, says Baby Pierre.

No it doesn't, says Terence. 

Those are the WORDS, says Baby Pierre. Or the storm is over and the sun comes out from behind the black clouds. And a rainbow.

Too many words, says Terence. Anyway what do you know?

Plenty of words, says Baby Pierre. I go to the library.

Earthquake words? asks Terence.

Rumble, says Baby Pierre.

Have an asparagus, says Terence.

I'm not hungry, says Baby Pierre. Rumble is an earthquake word. So is epicentre and dip-slip.

Dip-slip, says Terence. That's going to be in my song.

Want a go on my scooter? asks Baby Pierre.

Okay, says Terence.

Watch out. There might be a spider under it, says Baby Pierre. Last one was a red-back.

I don't care, says Terence. I'm imperious.

What's that got to do with it? asks Baby Pierre.

It means thick, says Terence. Solid.

Impervious, says Baby Pierre. 

There IS a red-back under the scooter. 

She knows all those words.

She emerges.

Jelly Eye

This is laborious work, grumbles Ageless. 

I'll help you, says Terence.

He chooses a grape. A fat one.

Now what? says Terence.

Squeeze it, says Ageless. 

Terence squeezes. A grape jelly ball squirts into his eye.

It didn't work, says Terence. That one's wasted.

Not necessarily, says Ageless. Allow me to extract it.

He stops squeezing, and advances towards Terence's eye.

Storms don't like people touching their eye! says Terence.

I'm not people, says Ageless.

Or lobsters, says Terence. Or anything with claws.

Extract it yourself then, says Ageless.

It's falling out anyway, says Terence. Look. It fell into the bowl.

Disaster! says Ageless. My beloved won't want to sample it now.

Gaius and Kierkegaard enter the kitchen, with shopping bags.

What's this? asks Gaius.

We're making a red drink, says Terence. But my eye fell in.

It wasn't his eye, says Ageless. Just a grape jelly. But I'm thinking of starting again.

Let me see, says Gaius. 

Ageless, Terence and Gaius peer into the bowl, which is one quarter full of a mixture of dark purple skins, grey seeds and greenish grape jelly balls.

Hey! says Terence. It's not even red!

So the project is abandoned, and no one is bothered.

How did the shopping go? asks Ageless.

We bought two black cloaks, says Kierkegaard, whipping one out of a shopping bag, and putting it on.

Gaius puts his on as well.

Here comes the Inquisition, says Ageless. Good costumes.

What's an Inquisition? asks Terence.

When men in black cloaks ask you questions, says Ageless. 

And you must answer correctly, says Kierkegaard. Otherwise it's an auto-da-fé.

What's that? asks Terence.

An infallible way of preventing earthquakes, says Gaius. 

I hardly think so, says Kierkegaard.

Tell that to the people of Lisbon, says Gaius.

They both laugh, because they are grown ups and understand satire, but Terence is alarmed.

With good reason. 

He is the Earthquake.

I Might Put My Feet In

Ageless scrapes his way back inside, with a large bunch of grapes.

He is followed by the Storm and Earthquake.

HAH! cries the Storm and Earthquake. Storms and Earthquakes go where the grapes are going. In case they can have some! HAH!

You can't have any, says Ageless. 

What about the JUICE! cries the Storm and Earthquake.

Kobo looks down from the window sill.

Squeeze the grapes, Ageless, says Kobo. 

Yay! cries the Storm and Earthquake.

I don't think Gaius has a juicer, says Ageless.

He doesn't, says Kobo. Use your claw.

All right, beloved, says Ageless. Will you come down and assist me?

I'm busy helping Nicholas with his part, says Kobo. We'll both be down shortly.

I'll start squeezing, says Ageless. A beautiful draught for my lady. Would you like a bowl of warm soapy water to go with it?

Yuck! says the Storm and Earthquake.

To wash in, explains Ageless. We could both have a soak, if you like.

No way! says the Storm and Earthquake. 

Not you, her, says Ageless. 

I might put my feet in, says the the Storm and Earthquake. 

Maybe after, says Ageless. 

He sets about squeezing the grapes into a bowl that he's found in a cupboard.

Did you hear me singing outside? shouts the Storm and Earthquake.

No, says Kobo. 

Dropped on by rocks says Terence. That's good isn't it?

What's the context? asks Kobo.

It rhymes with socks, says Ageless. 

Nicholas coughs. Can we get on with developing my part?

Of course, says Kobo. No more interruptions. Where were we?

Whether I should deliver a brief précis of the plot, or plunge into the storm scene directly, says Nicholas.

I imagine you know all about storms, says Kobo. I think you should jump in directly.

That's encouraging, says Nicholas. 

Give me some adjectives, says Kobo.

Creamy, delightful, intelligent, supportive... says Nicholas.

In spite of the fact that she had expected a different list of adjectives, Kobo hopes Ageless is listening.