Big Bogan

Gaius is driving the camper. 

You could go faster, says Sweezus. The limit's a hundred.

I'm just being cautious, says Gaius. Because of my licence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. I forgot. You ought to renew it.

Yes, says Gaius. But it's not just a question of renewal. I believe it lapsed years ago.

We'll swap back before we hit Dubbo, says Sweezus. How far out are we?

Not far, says Gaius. 

Yay! says Terence. 

No talking, says Sweezus.

Yay isn't talking, says Terence.

Wanna hear my poem? asks Sweezus.

No, says Terence.

Yes, says Gaius. 

Sweezus recites his ODE TO A DROPPED ROCK.

Very good, says Gaius. 

Terence is poking Roo-kai.

What? says Roo-kai.

It's got a rude word in it, says Terence.

I noticed, says Roo-kai.

I'm a grown up, says Sweezus.

Not fair, says Terence. You're not the winner.

Mine's not finished yet, says Gaius. I want to add a second verse, in the voice of the crystal.

Who's judging? asks Sweezus.

I'll do it, says Roo-kai. Because I'm no good at poems. But we'll have to wait until Gaius has finished his second verse in the voice of the crystal.

That's reasonable, says Gaius.

Are you doing it now? asks Terence.

Not while I'm driving, says Gaius. I'll complete it in Dubbo. 

I'll call Arthur, says Sweezus. Find out where we're meeting.

He calls Arthur.

We're nearly in Dubbo, says Sweezus.

We've been here for hours, says Arthur. 

Yeah well, we stopped in Nyngan, says Sweezus.

Not much in Nyngan, says Arthur.

I know, says Sweezus. We were sleeping.

Except the Big Bogan, says Arthur.

What's that? asks Sweezus.

A controversial statue, says Arthur.

Too bad we missed it, says Sweezus. What's that noise?

Animals, says Arthur. We got bored and came to the zoo.

How much to get in? asks Sweezus. 

Forty three dollars twenty, says Arthur.

Each? says Sweezus.  

Each, says Arthur.

No way, says Sweezus. Where can we meet that's not there?

Out the front, says Arthur. Call me again when you get here.

A hooting sound is heard, which could be a monkey.

Coming Out Awesome

They get out of the camper, and sit under the tree.

They leave the camper doors open to air out the onion.

That was a close one, says Sweezus.

It was, says Gaius. I feel guilty, letting you drive all the way.

My eyes were all watery, says Sweezus. They still are.

Mine are fine, says Gaius. I am used to strong smells.

Can I talk yet? asks Terence.

We're not in Dubbo, says Sweezus.

But we're not in the camper, says Terence.

That is true, says Roo-kai. 

So can I? asks Terence.

Okay, says Sweezus. Talk away.

I'm used to strong smells too, says Terence.

Is that all you wanted to say? asks Sweezus.

Ask me which ones, says Terence.

No, says Sweezus. I'm busy breathing fresh air and getting my eyes back to normal.

How long will that take? asks Gaius. Arthur and Ludwig will be waiting in Dubbo.

Maybe five minutes, says Sweezus. Maybe longer.

I'll drive, says Gaius. Until you recover.

My voice hurts, says Terence. Too much talking.

Very funny, says Sweezus.

They get back in the camper, which now smells better.

Gaius turns on the engine.

Rmmmm!

Off they go. 

Terence is not allowed to talk now he's back in the camper.

But he's thinking of smells he is used to.

Fish glue, that's one. Bull glue, that's another.

Sweezus is happy not to be driving. Now he can work on his poem.

He wants it to be, like, empathetic, but not schmaltzy. Like, kind of : 

ODE TO A DROPPED ROCK

How much would it suck

To be you

Maybe not much

Some crystals are buried for eons

You came up to the light

Look on the bright side

Remember the good times

You made it to Cobar

There was fuck all in Nyngan to do.

Woah, thinks Sweezus, did that or did that not come out awesome!

Sharp And Shiny Until

It's good that Terence is silent, thinks Gaius. I'll get on with composing my poem.

The countryside whizzes by. Red dirt mainly.

Any more apple? asks Sweezus.

I suppose so, says Gaius.

He halves the second half of the apple.

Hands a quarter to Sweezus.

Thanks, says Sweezus. This'll keep me awake.

Gaius continues composing his poem.

Olim, meaning once. That's a good start.

Olim sub humus nunc sub aqua

That your poem? asks Sweezus, taking his eyes off the road.

Indeed, says Gaius. I'm quite happy with the opening line, it shows perfect balance.

That's cool, says Sweezus. The crystal's all about balance. 

I hadn't thought of that, says Gaius. Is it too subtle?

Shit no, says Sweezus. Leave it how it is.

I shall, says Gaius. 

A long silence ensues.

The red landscape continues.

Stuck for a good rhyme for aqua? asks Sweezus.

Not at all, says Gaius. Roman poetry does not need to rhyme.

Yeah? says Sweezus. So how do you know when it's poetry?

The iambs, trochees and spondees, says Gaius. The poetic idea. The succinctness. 

Yeah right, says Sweezus. Hey. Would anyone mind if I ate half the onion?

Not I, says Gaius. I'll have the other half. That is if Roo-kai doesn't want it.

I don't want it, says Roo-kai.

Gaius doesn't ask Terence, who would not want it but is unable to say.

He halves the onion.

The camper van fills with the rich smell of onion.

Followed by sounds of munching.

Gaius keeps working.

Acutus, nitidus, puncta tres

Crystallum fulgit.....

He stops scratching.

Run out of syllables? asks Sweezus.

Not necessarily, says Gaius.

Sweezus gives up trying to help.

He can't see too well anyway, his eyes are watering because of the onion.

Dum, says Gaius to himself.

Huh? says Sweezus.

Where to put it, says Gaius. At the end of the line or the start of the next one.

So it's Latin, says Sweezus.

Meaning until, says Gaius. See where I'm going?

No he doesn't.

Sweezus swerves and skids off the road, narrowly missing a tree.

If Horse Rhymed With Shorts

Terence whispers his poem The Last Thoughts of Quarz to Roo-kai.

Hmm, says Roo-kai, when Terence stops whispering.

Good isn't it, says Terence. 

It would be, says Roo-kai. If horse rhymed with shorts.

Why doesn't it? asks Terence.

What's this ? asks Gaius, munching on his quarter apple.

Terence's poem, says Roo-kai. He thinks horse rhymes with shorts.

I thought the poem was Last Thoughts of Quartz, says Gaius.

Quarz, says Roo-kai. German. Rhymes with farts, not shorts. Another problem.

So that explains the shorts, says Gaius.

How? asks Sweezus, who until now has tried not to listen.

Not quite rhyming with horse, says Gaius. 

Why is there a horse in it? asks Sweezus.

Because I still want one, says Terence. 

A horse is the last thing Quarz would have been thinking about, says Sweezus.

How do you know? asks Terence. He was going to give me three wishes.

Lucky he drowned then, says Sweezus.

He's not DROWNED, says Terence. He's waiting.

Okay, says Sweezus. Think what you like. But how do the shorts fit in, apart from not rhyming?

You'll find out, says Terence. So can I say my poem first?

If you shut up until we get to Dubbo, says Sweezus.

Yay! says Terence. I get to go first: 

THE LAST THOUGHTS OF QUARZ

O how I love Terence

He wears gecko shorts

I gave him three wishes

And one was a horse.

It wasn’t his fault I fell into the swimming hole.

It that it? asks Sweezus.

But now Terence can't answer.

Stupid Knife Stupid Pencil

We're not playing I spy, says Sweezus.

What then? asks Terence.

I'll play it with you, says Roo-kai.

I'll quarter an apple, says Gaius. Where's that knife?

I spy with my little eye something that is.....a knife, says Terence.

Where? asks Gaius.

I don't really, says Terence. That's too easy.

So you don't see it, says Roo-kai.

No, says Terence.

But it's a knife, says Roo-kai.

Yes, says Terence. You guessed it.

But where is it? asks Gaius. I need it to quarter the apple.

Where was it last? asks Sweezus.

With the pencil, says Gaius.

I spy.... begins Terence.

We're not playing I spy, says Roo-kai.

Too bad, says Terence. It was an easy one.

Pencil, says Roo-kai.

You said you weren't playing, says Terence.

And I'm not, says Roo-kai.

How about a poetry competition? suggests Sweezus.

Good idea, says Gaius. That should last us till we get to Dubbo.

And it's like, silent, says Sweezus.

Indeed, says Gaius. I'll need that pencil, to jot down ideas.

I don't need a pencil, says Terence. I've got a poem already. It's called Last Thoughts of Quarz.

You can't just extemporise, says Sweezus. It has to be polished, 

It is polished, says Terence. Can I go first?

No, says Sweezus. Gaius goes first. He's the oldest.

This may take some time, says Gaius. I haven't found the pencil.

It might be in here, says Roo-kai.

He heaves Gaius's back pack over the front seat, so Gaius can rummage through it.

Excellent! says Gaius. Here's the knife. And look! An onion!

Terence can't believe he is not going first. It's not fair. Now Gaius has found a stupid onion. And the knife. So he'll cut up the apple. And then eat it. And maybe the onion. And he still hasn't found the stupid pencil.  

Roo-kai sees all these thoughts on his face.

Whisper it to me, says Roo-kai. 

Terence cheers up at once.

Okay, says Terence. But no copying.

As if, says Roo-kai.

No Coconuts

They stop to buy apples in Nyngan.

Mega expensive! says Sweezus, coming back to the camper, with a bag of four apples.

We'll eat them one half at a time, says Gaius.

Like, half each? says Sweezus.

No, quarter each, says Gaius. Then the other half later.

The other half'll go brown, says Sweezus.

Brown won't hurt you, says Gaius.

Not if it's a mushroom, says Sweezus.

What are you talking about? asks Gaius.

Portobello mushrooms, says Sweezus.

They would be even more expensive here, says Gaius.

Or coconuts, says Sweezus.

The sooner we get to Dubbo the better, says Gaius. This foolish talk of coconuts....

Okay, says Sweezus. Dubbo, no coconuts.

Can I play? asks Terence.

It's not really a game, says Sweezus.

Naming brown things, says Roo-kai.

Poo! says Terence.

Food only, says Sweezus.

That's not fair, says Terence. Roo-kai said things.

Okay, says Sweezus. Your turn Gaius.

Soil, says Gaius. Earthworms eat it.

Brilliant, says Sweezus. Roo-kai, you next.

Mud, says Roo-kai.

That's like soil, says Sweezus.

But wet, says Roo-kai. I should know. 

It looked black, says Terence.

What did? asks Sweezus.

The mud Quarz fell into, says Terence.

Only because it was night, says Roo-kai. It'll be brown this morning.

There is something about saying it'll be brown this morning that changes everyone's thinking.

Yes, thinks Sweezus. The endless cycle of brown days and black nights. What a headfuck.

Yes, thinks Gaius. A puzzle for future geologists. Or not, as the case may be.

Yes, thinks Roo-kai. I may even have pushed him down further. I regret that.

Black, brown.....We should play I spy next, thinks Terence. 

Behind Two Different Trees

 Roo-kai and Terence arrive at the camper just as Sweezus and Gaius wake up.

I am pleased to see you, says Gaius. I dreamed you had met with ill fortune.

What's ill fortune? asks Terence.

Bad luck, says Sweezus. 

He did meet with it, says Roo-kai.

Don't tell them, says Terence.

Tell us what? asks Sweezus. 

Nothing, says Terence.

We'll have to tell them something, says Roo-kai.

Okay. I'll do it, says Terence.

Go on, says Gaius. No wait a second. Where are those apples?

We ate them, says Sweezus. Let's drive to a shop, and stock up.

All right, says Gaius. But first I must urinate.

Me too, says Sweezus.

They go behind two different trees.

Then everyone gets into the camper.

At least we've got water, says Sweezus.

Yes, says Gaius. Perhaps we should push on to Nyngan. It's early. Shops here won't be open.

Good plan, says Sweezus.

They head off towards Nyngan.

Now tell us what happened, says Sweezus.

Remember my crystal? says Terence. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. The one I gave you? 

It wanted to go for a dip, says Terence.

You lost it, says Sweezus. 

There's more to the story, says Roo-kai.

So I suspect, says Gaius. What did it ask for a dip in?

The old open cut mine which is now a swimming spot, says Roo-kai. 

You went there? says Sweezus.

Under Quarz's protection, says Roo-kai.

Yeah, like that worked, says Sweezus. 

It protected ME, says Terence. And the good part is that now that's it's missing I should get a new present and I already know what I want.

I explained to him that none of that follows, says Roo-kai.

We'll look for it on our way back, says Sweezus. If we come this way. 

Which we may not, says Gaius.

But until we know for sure that it's irretrievable, says Sweezus, you can't have a new present.

And even then, says Gaius, it will NOT be a horse.