Friends, Fences, Fish

Very nice goat's cheese, says the ticket inspector. But now I must get a move on. 

Arthur holds out the knife.

It's sticky from cutting the goat's cheese.

I'll allow you to keep that, says says ticket inspector.

Thank you, says Arthur.

He shoves it back into his pocket.

I'm trusting you won't use it for nefarious purposes, says the ticket inspector.

It's a long time since I've used a knife for nefarious purposes, says Arthur.

Good to hear, says the ticket inspector.

He moves off.

Tell us about the nefarious purposes, says Ursula.

Yes, tell us, says Bertha. 

Fighting, says Arthur. But only with friends.

Knife fighting! says Ursula. Surely you wouldn't...

Or cutting through wire fences, says Arthur.

Whatever for? asks Bertha.

If the gate's locked, says Arthur. 

Don't get the wrong impression, says Nicolo. He's a poet.

Oh yes ha ha, laugh Ursula and Bertha. 

Or say you're arguing over a fish, says Arthur. And things get testy.

Yes, says Ursula. I get it.

Well, says Bertha, we should probably go back to our seats now.

Nice to meet you, says Nicolo.

Thanks for the goat's cheese, says Sweetpea.

I hope you won't get a fungus, says Bertha.

I won't, says Sweetpea. 

They're very hard to get rid of, says Bertha. Especially under the toenails.

Tell me about it, says Nicolo.

You too? says Bertha.

No, says Nicolo. But my mother...

Ah, says Ursula. Your poor mother.

She's dead now, says Nicolo.

Even so, says Bertha... 

She and Ursula are backing away, not caring to hear more about Nicolo's mother.

Sweetpea starts to examine his toes.

What are the tiny holes here? 

Since when did he have those!

Fear Of Fungus.

Arthur, who has a knife, makes a few airholes in the empty Pringles tube. 

The ticket inspector looms up.

No knives permitted on the train, says the ticket inspector.

It's for cheese, says Arthur.

Then where is the cheese? asks the ticket inspector.

He's making airholes in the Pringles tube at my suggestion, says Ursula.

Is he? asks the ticket inspector. 

I am, says Arthur. It's going to be our frog's container.

Which you insisted we should keep the frog in, says Nicolo. So it's at your instigation, the knife.

I shall stay until you have made all the airholes, says the inspector. Then I'll take charge of the knife.

Fine, says Arthur. 

He continues making airholes with the knife.

Is there an exception for cheese knives? asks Bertha.

Not really, says the ticket inspector.

Because I have some cheese, says Bertha.

Go and get it, says Ursula.

Bertha goes back to her seat to look for the cheese.

That's enough airholes, says the Kroombit tinker. You'll weaken the sides of the tube.

Arthur stops stabbing.

Get in, says Sweetpea.

The Kroombit tinker hops inside.

Can you see us? asks Sweetpea.

No, says the tinker.

Put your eye up close to an airhole, says Sweetpea. 

I can see you, says the Kroombit tinker.

What am I doing? asks Sweetpea.

Giving me the finger, says the tinker. That's not very nice.

It's supposed to be nice, says Sweetpea. 

Bertha comes back with the cheese.

It's goat's cheese, says Bertha. Who'd like to try it?

Me, says Sweetpea. Can I? 

You might turn into a goat, says the Kroombit tinker, through an airhole.

What's this about? asks the ticket inpector, intrigued in spite of the fact that he ought to get on with the job.

He's super sensitive, says Arthur. See his red nose? A red drink did that.

I can sympathise, says the ticket inspector.

Bertha unwraps the cheese, releasing a pungent aroma.

Arthur cuts the cheese into six equal pieces.

Ursula takes one, Bertha takes one, Nicolo takes one, the ticket inspector takes one, Arthur takes one, leaving one piece of goat's cheese.

Is that mine? asks Sweetpea.

Half for you, half for the Kroombit tinker, says Arthur.

Frogs don't eat cheese, says the tinker, through an airhole. It gives them a fungus.

Sweetpea grabs the last piece of goat's cheese and eats the whole thing.

It can't give HIM a fungus.

Testing The Tube

Ursula has noticed Nicolo's pointed beard and sharp eyes.

Excuse me, says Ursula. I wonder if the child in my seat is yours?

What does the child look like? asks Nicolo.

Small, with a red nose and finger, says Ursula.

That will be Sweetpea, says Nicolo.

He calls himself Arthur, says Ursula. 

He's trying out being me, says Arthur. Does he have a frog with him?

He does, says Ursula. A frog from Queensland.

The Kroombit tinker, says Arthur.

And you are a poet? asks Ursula. An odd profession these days.

What are you inferring? asks Nicolo.

Nothing, says Ursula. I have a love-hate relationship with poetry.

Me too, says Arthur.

Really? says Ursula. May I sit down behind you?

Go ahead, says Arthur. It's where Sweetpea was sitting.

So it is fitting, says Nicolo.

Are you a poet as well? asks Ursula.

Why do you ask? asks Nicolo.

Sitting rhymes with fitting, says Ursula.

Madam, says Nicolo. If I were a poet I would not use that rhyme.

Apologies, says Ursula.

He's a cyclist, says Arthur.

So is he, says Nicolo.

I'm not interested in cycling, says Ursula. But the question of poetry.....

Love-hate? says Arthur.

Yes, says Ursula. I often think: Why didn't the poet use prose? 

It helps to be tipsy, says Arthur. Or affected by mushrooms. Or pain.

I suppose I can understand that, says Ursula. 

Bertha comes back from the end of the carriage.

Are these the parents? asks Bertha.

I didn't ask, says Ursula, but they're travelling with the child and the frog.

That's good enough for me, says Bertha.

She marches off to where Sweetpea is sitting with the tube of Pringles.

Where's the frog? asks Bertha.

She's testing the tube, says Sweetpea. 

Good, that will make her easier to carry, says Bertha. 

She takes the Pringles tube from Sweetpea.

Follow me, says Bertha.

Sweetpea follows Bertha back to where Arthur and Nicolo are discussing poetry with Ursula.

Bertha hands Nicolo the tube.

Nicolo takes the lid off.

I could have died in there! snaps the tinker.

It needs a few airholes, says Ursula.

Why did no one else think of that?

Probably Bad

The two people stop.

They are two ladies.

Look, Ursula! says one lady. There's a child in your seat.

And a frog in yours, Bertha, says the other.

I'm sure we can sort this out, says Bertha. They'll belong to someone.

Perhaps the child will tell us, says Ursula. I'll ask him.

Sweetpea waits for her to ask him. He hopes she asks who he is and not who he belongs to.

Hello dear, says Ursula. Who do you belong to?

Bonjoo, says Sweetpea, remembering to pretend he is French.

And where is Bonjoo sitting? asks Ursula.

Bonjoo? says Sweetpea.

Yes, where is he or she sitting? asks Ursula.

I'll ask a few people, says Bertha.

She wanders away.

You must go back to your seat with Bonjoo, says Ursula. And your frog must go with you.

There is no Bonjoo, says Sweetpea,.

That's right, says the Kroombit tinker. Bonjoo is a French word, not a person.

Is it? asks Ursula. What does it mean?

I don't know, says the tinker. I'm from Queensland. Ask Sweetpea.... I mean Arthur.

Aha! says Ursula. So the boy's name is Arthur. Now we're progressing.

Yes, says Sweetpea. I'm Arthur, and I write poems.

How sweet! says Ursula. Give me an example.

O Nicolo, says Sweetpea, his beard is pointy and he has very sharp eyes....

Not that one! says the Kroombit tinker.

It's my best one, says Sweetpea.

It's very unusual, says Ursula. I wonder...

Ursula is wondering if little Arthur's unusual poem might reveal his identity.

Is there anyone in the carriage with a pointy beard and sharp eyes?

Wait here, says Ursula.

She wanders off down the passage to check out the other travellers.

It worked! says Sweetpea. She believed me.

We should go, says the Kroombit tinker. 

No, we've got a bit longer, says Sweetpea.

He cranes around to see where the two ladies have got to.

Bertha is a talking to someone at the far end of the carriage.

Ursula is talking to Arthur and Nicolo.

That's probably bad.

So they do not have long.

He Did Not Say Bonjoo

What if Sweetpea and I share a Pringle? says the Kroombit tinker.

Sure, says Nicolo.

See what happens, says Arthur.

Nicolo gives Sweetpea a Pringle. 

Sweetpea snaps it, and eats his half.

The tinker eats hers.

A pause.

Nothing seems to have happened.

Can I have another one? asks Sweetpea.

Better not, says the Kroombit tinker.

Why not? asks Sweetpea, They're not red, only salty.

I think you should wait a bit longer, says the tinker.

Okay, says Sweetpea. But if I wait too long there'll be none left.

Ask them to keep one for you, says the tinker, and if you don't turn salty, or yellow, or a bent circular shape, you can eat it.

That makes sense, says Sweetpea.

Sweetpea asks Nicolo to save him a Pringle for later.

Nicolo promises he will.

Can we have the tube? asks Sweetpea.

Here, says Nicolo. And stop asking questions.

Want to sit somewhere different? asks Arthur.

Where? asks Sweetpea.

Over there, says Arthur, pointing to two empty seats not too far down the aisle.

Yes! says Sweetpea.

He heads to the empty seats with the tube and the tinker.

I hope these seats don't belong to people who've gone to the toilet, says the tinker.

If they do, and the people come back, I'll pretend to be Arthur, says Sweetpea.

You don't know how to do it, says the tinker.

Do you? asks Sweetpea.

I watched Nicolo do it, says the tinker. You have to pretend that you're French.

Okay, says Sweetpea. Bonjoo! How does that sound?

Not bad, says the tinker, But Nicolo didn't say bonjoo. He said grazie.

That's not French, says Sweetpea.

I know, says the Kroombit tinker. So he had to pretend he was practising Italian for when he gets to Florence.

Being Arthur is tricky, says Sweetpea.

You might not have to, says the Kroombit tinker. 

Have I turned salty or yellow yet? asks Sweetpea.

Not yet, says the tinker.

That would make being Arthur even trickier, says Sweetpea. 

You could just say you ate too many Pringles, says the Kroombit tinker. 

I wish, says Sweetpea.

He leans back in his seat, which is not really his seat.

And... oh no! here come two people, back fron the toilet.

The deceit is about to be tested.

Give Them The Finger

Nicolo goes back to where Arthur is sitting with Sweetpea.

Pringles! says Sweetpea.

It's empty, says Nicolo.

It's for me, says the Kroombit tinker. But only when the inspector comes by.

He's already been, says Arthur. 

Did he ask where I was? asks Nicolo.

I told him you were getting a container, says Arthur. 

Is he coming back? asks Nicolo.

Don't know, says Arthur. Anyway, I see you found a container.

Yes, says Nicolo. From a young couple who thought I was you.

I don't look like you, says Arthur.

You all look alike in your bike helmets, says the Kroombit tinker.

That's true, says Nicolo. And as we were never successful we were never on the podium not wearing our helmets.

You could do a crime, says Sweetpea.

What do you know about crime? asks Nicolo.

Plenty, says Sweetpea. Criminals come up all the time to confess to me and the Madonna.

What do they expect you to do? asks the Kroombit tinker.

Give them the finger, says Sweetpea.

Would anyone care for a Pringle? asks Nicolo.

You said the tube was empty, says Sweetpea.

The young woman offered me a handful when she emptied them out, says Nicolo. 

Where are they? asks Arthur

In  my pocket, says Nicolo. I put them there because I was holding the tube and the tinker.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his black handkerchief and some worse-for-wear Pringles.

Was that the handkerchief that you spat the half eaten frog leg into? asks the Kroombit tinker.

Err, yes, says Nicolo. I've had no time to wash it.

Tink tink! says the tinker.

I take it that's a no to a Pringle, says Nicolo.

No, says the Kroombit tinker. It was a comment. I'll try one.

Me too, says Sweetpea.

Nicolo looks at Arthur.

What will happen when Sweetpea eats a Pringle?

Salty Inside

Excuse me, says Nicolo, to the young couple eating the Pringles.

Yes? says the young woman.

This may seem like a strange request, says Nicolo.

You want the tube when it's empty, says the young woman.

In a word, yes, says Nicolo. I assume you were listening.

We were listening, says the young woman. And we were trying to guess who you are.

Does it matter? asks Nicolo.

No, but we heard you're in France for the famous bike race, says the young man.

I am, says Nicolo.

So what team were you in? asks the young man.

Team Condor, says Nicolo.

He must be that guy, says the young woman.

He doesn't look like him, says the young man.

He's Arthur Rimbaud, says the Kroombit tinker. 

Nicolo looks surprised. Until he remembers that he is trying out Arthur's charmed life. Which involves wheedling a container for the Kroombit tinker from complete strangers. 

You could say that, says Nicolo. Have you finished the Pringles?

Not yet, says the young woman. Want one?

Take a few, says the young man.

I was in the bike race as well, says the Kroombit tinker.

We heard, says the young woman. And nobody timed you.

What team were you in? asks the young man.

Baby Pierre's team, says the Kroombit tinker. But I ended up on my own.

And the Pringles tube is for you? asks the young woman.

I guess so, says the Kroombit  tinker. I'm not all that keen.

I don't blame you, says the young woman. It's all salty inside.

And no windows, says the young man.

I don't think we're obliged to keep the lid on, says Nicolo.

You probably only need it to show the inspector, says the young man.

True, says the young woman. Once he's gone, you can come out.

I will, says the Kroombit tinker. Does that mean we can have it?

The young woman tips the rest of the Pringles into her lap.

There are at least twenty.

She gives Nicolo the tube.

And invites him to take some more Pringles.

Grazie, says Nicolo. taking the tube and a few Pringles.

Are you Italian? asks the young man. I thought Rimbaud was French.

Just practising for Florence, says Nicolo.

He retreats, with his alias intact.