Terrible Timing

Scene Two has ended.

Vello comes on.

The old lady's tale has been told, says Vello. And we have learned a valuable lesson. 

What is it? shouts someone.

Vello ignores him.

Scene Three is entitled The German Colonel in the Arbour, says Vello. And yes, we have skipped a few parts.  The lovely Cunégonde has fallen into the clutches of the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and Candide, having escaped, is now meeting a certain German Colonel in Paraguay.

Get on with it! shouts another audience member.

Indeed! says Vello. And good luck in our AI spotting competition.

Keep your eyes peeled, Hedley, whispers his mother.

I am, whispers Hedley. 

Where did you go in the middle of Scene Two? whispers his mother.

Out the back to see Terence, whispers Hedley.

That was nice, whispers Hedley's mother. Did he show you the props?

Yes,whispers Hedley, but I decided I'll ask for the poem.

That's very mature of you Hedley, whispers his mother.

Scene Three begins.

Arthur comes on, dressed as a German Colonel, with his red ear tips and arched eyebrows.

Candide enters, as though being conducted by soldiers.

So you are a German, says the German Colonel.

Birds twitter in the arbour. Hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets, and a bottle.

A bottle?

The bottle swings from a branch of a tree.

Yes, your reverence, says Candide.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh, says Candide.

Good gracious, says the German Colonel. Can it really be you?

This is beyond the bounds of possiblity! says Candide. You are Cunégonde's brother! But weren't you killed by the Bulgars?

They embrace. 

Candide tells the German Colonel the good news. Cunegonde is alive! But will need to be rescued.

We shall do it together! says the German Colonel.

The bottle drops out of the tree.

Smash! Vinegar goes everywhere.

And a dead something, maybe a herring, lies inert on the stage.

What terrible timing.

That's what I long for, says Candide, because I am hoping to marry her!

You insolent fellow! cries the German Colonel, striking Candide with the flat of his sword.

Candide springs back, draws his own sword, and plunges it into the German Colonel's stomach.

The German Colonel, who had in rehearsal perfected his death scene, instead slips on a herring. 

Last Year's Bon Doo

It looks like a stingray, says Hedley.

It's a skate, says Terence. I got it in Tasmania.

Why is it dead? asks Hedley.

It tried to escape, under my skateboard, says Terence. But Surfing-with-Whales didn't know. And he threw the skateboard into the pullalong, and it died.

So it's yours, says Hedley.

The skateboard? says Terence.

The stingray, says Hedley.

The herring, says Terence.

Why do you have to call it a herring? asks Hedley.

Because it's endangered, says Terence.

If it's dead, it can't be endangered, says Hedley.

Yes, says Terence. But you're not meant to be the person that killed it.

Okay, says Hedley. 

Okay what? asks Terence.

I don't want it after all, says Hedley.

You weren't going to get it, says Terence.

I was, says Hedley. There's a prize for spotting the most AI effects in your play. And the prize is a poem or a prop. And I wanted the prop.

But now you want the poem, says Terence. What poem is it?

Arthur's going to write it, says Hedley. 

It won't be very good, says Terence. He can't do rhymes.

Poems don't have to have rhymes, says Hedley. Just emotions.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. He'll probably write it in French.

So what? I know French, says Hedley. Remember last year? Bon doo!

That was good French, says Terence. 

I know, says Hedley. 

You probably won't win anyway, says Terence. Because you're not watching.

This is a good point. 

Hedley goes back to his seat, next to his mother.

On stage, the old woman is nearing the end of her tale.

In a small fortress on the sea of Azov, we were besieged by the Russians, who were starving us out. The soldiers who guarded us decided to eat us. But a Mohammedan priest persuaded them not to kill us outright. Cut just one buttock off each of these ladies, he said. It will provide you with a delicious meal, and you can have the same again later....

Hedley's mother turns to Hedley to see how he is taking this part of the story.

Poisoned Hot Chocolate

Scene Two. The Voyage.

Sweezus has done a good job with the scenery.

Candide, Cunégonde and the old lady appear to be on a ship, on their way to Cadiz.

Not only the background is moving, but also the floorboards.

Up and down go the floorboards.

An albatross wings its way by.

Squaawk! It emits a realistic albatross warning.

Candide and Cunégonde are both complaining. Can this be the best of all possible worlds, when things have gone so badly?

Stop complaining, you two, says the old lady. Your misfortunes are nothing like mine.

How can you claim that! says Cunégonde. Unless you have been ravished by Bulgars, had two stabs in your belly and your country house demolished, seen your parents butchered before your eyes, and then had to serve as a kitchen maid.....

If you knew my story, says the old woman, you wouldn't talk as you do.

Then tell us your story, says Cunégonde.

I have not always been a servant, begins the old lady. I am the daughter of Pope Urban X and the Princess of Palestrina.....

Hedley is bored. Where are the horses?

Who cares about the old woman's story? Not him. He looks across at his mother. But she is engrossed.

I was betrothed to a handsome young prince of Massa-Carrara, but he died hours before our wedding, due to drinking poisoned hot chocolate, says the old lady.

Poisoned hot chocolate! But Hedley is no longer listening. He has slipped off his seat and made his way backstage, to find Terence.

My mother and I sailed for our estate in Gaeta, but on the way we were captured by Moorish pirates, says the old lady. We and our ladies in waiting were stripped naked. The pirates probed us with their fingers, looking for diamonds.....

Hedley might have liked that part.

Or he might not.

But no matter. He has found Terence, at the back of the Piglet.

Terence is re-winding the string round the neck of his vinegar bottle.

Hi! says Hedley!

Hedley! says Terence. Did you see me? I was a horse.

A pony, says Hedley. 

Okay a pony, says Terence. Did you notice its tail?

Yes, says Hedley. A bottle with something inside it. 

That's Gloopy, says Terence. He's dead. But he's still having adventures.

Let's see, says Hedley.

He looks into the vinegar bottle and sees Gloopy. 

What is it? asks Hedley.

We have to pretend he's a herring, says Terence.

He doesn't look much like herring, says Hedley.

He's unrolled a bit lately, says Terence.

Strategic Enlargement

Fake! shout several audience members.

Vello runs back onto the stage.

Save your guesses till the end, please! says Vello. 

He runs off.

The flickering old lady flickers out entirely and is replaced by Gaius in his skirt and cushion.

That's the real old lady, whispers Hedley.

No prizes for spotting the real one, whispers his mother.

Yes but.... says Hedley.

Shush, Hedley, says his mother.

The old lady is waiting for silence.

There are three thorougbreds in the stables with saddles and bridles, says the old lady. You must get them ready.

Candide hurries off.

I don't know how I'm going to manage with only one buttock, says the old lady.

Youll manage somehow, says Cunégonde.

Candide returns, leading two AI horses with Terence's face, and a smaller pony, which is the actual Terence.

Ha ha! laughs the audience.

Because it is funny.

Get on quickly, says Candide. We must hurry.

I'll take the pony, says Cunégonde. 

She lifts up her skirts, which are divided.

Terence backs in, leaving only his head showing.

Now for the part which no one is expecting.

Terence pulls the vinegar bottle from the back of his shorts. 

He unwinds the string a little.

And places the vinegar bottle down on the floor. 

The dead baby maugean skate in the vinegar bottle rolls slightly.

This is going to be your best adventure ever, whispers Terence. 

Candide has already trotted off stage successfully, due to some tricky leg movements, and a strategic enlargement of his horse's rear end. 

The old lady attempts to mount her horse. After a few false starts she gives up, and leads her horse off stage, muttering, Come along, my beauty.

I'm coming, says Cunégonde. 

She makes a half turn.

The vinegar bottle rumbles.

Here I go! says Cunegonde. Ready, my little pony?

She turns fully, and jogs off the stage.

Terence jogs underneath her.

Yay this is working!

The dead skate in the vinegar bottle trails behind them.

The audience is uncertain as to what they've just seen.

What do you think that was? asks Hedley's mother.

A prop, says Hedley. And it's going to be mine.

Escape Of The Fingers

The audience files in, and sits down.

Hedley and his mother are in the first row.

I wish I was in it, like last year, says Hedley.

Never mind, says Hedley's mother. You're probably too big now.

The stage darkens, And Vello comes on.

He stands still, for several moments, then wiggles his fingers.

Welcome to this year's show, says Vello. These are my fingers.

He wiggles them again.

Remember these fingers, says Vello. 

What for? calls someone in the second row.

You are all about to find out, says Vello.

He goes off. And immediately returns.

He wiggles his fingers.

What's this? Two fingers on one hand are joined together. The other hand has .. only four fingers!

Is this a magic show? calls someone in the fourth row.

Shut up. It's AI CANDIDE! hisses the person next to the person in the fourth row.

It's an AI actor! shouts someone.

Correct, says Vello. Or....is it?

He whips off his gloves.

What? Gloves that look like weird fingers?

So you see, ladies and gentlemen and children, it is not easy to spot AI effects. And so we are offering a small prize at the end of the performance for the most successful spotter.

You should be good at this, Hedley, whispers Hedley's mother.

What's the prize? calls Hedley.

HEDLEY! says his mother.

The prize for best spotter is a personal poem composed on the spot by one of our cast members, the multi-talented Arthur Rimbaud! says Vello.

A ripple of interest flows through the audience.

Backstage, Sweezus whispers something to Arthur.

Arthur shakes his head.

Or, continues Vello, a small prop of your choice, as a memento.

They had fake diamonds last year! says someone.

I suggest you keep your eyes peeled, says Vello. And ENJOY!

He exits the stage. 

Time for Scene One.

The Escape From Cadiz on Horseback.

Candide and Cunégonde are sitting on a couch.

Don Issachar comes in with a dagger.

You Galilean bitch! shouts Don Issachar. 

Candide stands, draws his sword, and Don Issachar falls to the floor, dead as a doornail.

Holy Virgin! cries Cunégonde! What now? If the police come we are done for!

Let us consult the the old woman, says Candide.

The old woman enters, flickering a little.

The audience stares at her fingers.

Perhaps she' s got those fake gloves on.

But what about her face?

Doesn't it look rather young? 

To Act As A Tail

Tonight is the first night of AI CANDIDE! ( the eye-catching title).

Arthur is giving out fliers.

Someone accepts one.

Hey! says the person. I saw this show last year.

Not this one, says Arthur. It has AI effects.

Like what? asks the person.

Like this, says Arthur, pushing his hair back to show his red-tipped ears and arched eyebrows.

That's just makeup, says the person.

Then what about this? says Arthur, unarching his eyebrows.

That was just you unarching your eyebrows, says the person. And you've still got red ears. Make them go back to normal.

Later, says Arthur. 

Weren't you in it last year, when they gave out free seeds? asks the person. That was good. Are you  giving out freebies?

What we're doing, says Arthur, is asking the audience to identify which parts are AI. 

That should be easy, says the person. Look at the fingers. Is there a prize?

There could be, says Arthur.

Sometimes it's best to remain enigmatic.

So are you coming? asks Arthur. It starts in half an hour.

I could do, says the person, shoving the flyer into his pocket and walking away.

Arthur joins the rest of the cast in the tiny space behind the Piglet.

Any interest? asks Vello. 

There is now, says Arthur. 

What do you mean? asks Vello. I hope you haven't been offering free seeds. We don't have any.

Just a hint that there might be a prize, says Arthur. 

What for? asks Vello.

Guessing which parts of the show are AI, says Arthur. 

Sweezus, who is buttoning up his suit, overhears this.

Cool idea, says Sweezus. Everyone's into it.

Are they? says Vello. I should think it would be fairly obvious.

So would I, says David. Apparently you look at the fingers.

Fingers! says Vello. Horses don't have fingers!

And joins, says David. Remember the Princess of Wales and her photos?

What's this? asks Belle, swishing over in her newly split skirt.

It seems we're giving out prizes for guessing which parts of the show are AI, says Vello.

One prize, says Arthur.

And what might that be? asks Vello. 

Up to you, says Arthur.

Vello casts about for ideas.

Maybe a signed autograph? 

A prop, of minimal value?

A poem? Yes, a poem by Arthur. Let him come up with a suitable one in hurry.

But in fact, the problem is already solving itself.

Terence, wishing to give Gloopy an excellent adventure, has tied the vinegar bottle to his waist by a string, and is keeping it hidden, temporarily, in the back of his shorts.

To act as a tail.

Look Out From Under

Sweezus fiddles again with his equipment.

A second horse appears, with Terence's face.

Very impressive, says Gaius. And I understand there's a virtual old lady.

There is, says Belle. It's me in your old lady costume, but with your face.

May I see it? asks Gaius.

Sweezus calls up the old lady with Gaius's face.

And does it say my lines? asks Gaius.

Sure does, says Sweezus.

He presses a button.

"We can't count the dead one", says the virtual old lady, in Gaius's voice.

Where did that come from? asks Vello.

Not too sure, says Sweezus.

I said that in Tasmania, says Gaius. Terence had told you we'd seen twelve maugean skates. And I said we can't count the dead one.

Why not? asks David.

Because we were there to count live ones, says Gaius. 

Gloopy WAS alive, says Terence. 

You gave it a name? says Belle. That was cute.

I don't know about that, says Gaius. But Terence insisted on bringing it with him.

On an adventure, says Terence.

And where is it now? asks Belle.

Somewhere, says Terence.

Belle! says Vello. We need to get on with this rehearsal. Are you riding on Terence or what?

Let's try it, says Belle. Get under my skirt, Terence. Not that way, facing the front. Now look out from under it. Are you ready?

Neigghh! says Terence.

Belle jogs forward.

Terence disappears under the skirt.

We need to move off together, says Belle.

They try again. 

This time it works, to a point.

But when you turn to go off stage, the audience can't see the horse, says Vello.

I'll just give it a tail, says Sweezus. 

Yeah, he can easily impose a virtual tail on Belle's back view.

Won't that look like it's MY tail? asks Belle

Yeah it might, says Sweezus. What if I do you a whole horse's back side?

No, thank you, says Belle. The audience knows I'm on horseback. They've seen Terence's face.

Right, let's do this, says Vello. Mount your horses and ride off the stage.

Gaius attempts to mount his virtual horse.

And fails.

It may look like a real horse, but it isn't.