This is a true story, said Anoctopus, hooking himself over the edge of the bucket with two of his tentacles. Are you all sitting comfortably?
Baby Pierre and Lavender wriggled their bottoms on the hard jetty planks and Gaius leaned back against the railings.
Yes, they said. We are.
Right, said Anoctopus. There was a woman. She was picking blueberries with her child. Nobody else was around. Then something interfered with her foot.
Did you say interfered? asked Gaius.
Yes, I did, said Anoctopus. This is how the story was told to me. Please don't interrupt.
Sorry, said Gaius. Go on.
It was an octopus that had interfered with her foot. It wrapped its tentacles around her and began to pull her towards the sea. Oh! said the woman to the child. Long Fingers has got me! Run and tell your uncles. I'm finished.
But nothing bad happened to her. The octopus took her to his house under the sea. He turned into a man for her. They married and she lived in his house with him.
The octopus caught fish and seals and cockles for the woman to eat. He would lie on top of them to cook them.
One day the woman was sitting on a rock when her brothers came by in their fishing boat. Don't you think it's time to come home with us? they said to the woman.
I'll just stay a little longer, said the woman. Do come back sometime.
She told the octopus what had happened. The octopus said, you should tell them not to kill me. Killing is all they think about, your brothers.
The woman stayed with the octopus. She had two octopus babies.
Anoctopus paused, and looked around at his audience.
Is that all? asked Lavender.
Course it isn't, whispered Baby Pierre. Stories don't end with people having BABIES. This must be the interval.
Clever boy! said Anoctopus. This is the interval. Is there anything to eat?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Advantages
You do have a choice, said Gaius.
I'm in a bucket, said Anoctopus.
You could get out, said Gaius. I know how mobile you are.
You're right, said Anoctopus. I could get out if I wanted to. Do you know why my species is so agile?
No bones, said Baby Pierre. I bet that's the reason.
Have you heard of dopamine? asked Anoctopus. Well, we invertebrates have something called octopamine.
Octopamine! giggled Lavender.
I'm not making it up, said Anoctopus. It's a neurotransmitter. It makes our muscles work better, and it helps us with memory and learning.
I didn't know that, said Gaius. How fascinating you invertebrates are.
As to that, said Anoctopus, I bet you didn't know this. We octopi are so advanced in intelligence that we are classified as honorary vertebrates in the United Kingdom.
Are you indeed? said Gaius. Does that bestow any advantages?
You could say it does and you could say it doesn't, said Anoctopus. It means they have to give us an anaesthetic before they experiment on us.
Phttt! said Lavender. Are you an activist or something?
No, said Anoctopus. I'm just saying.
I thought you were going to tell us some tales, said Lavender.
They were tales, said Anoctopus.
They weren't what I call tales, said Lavender. Tell us a STORY.
Alright, said Anoctopus. I'll tell you the story of The Woman and the Octopus.
I'm in a bucket, said Anoctopus.
You could get out, said Gaius. I know how mobile you are.
You're right, said Anoctopus. I could get out if I wanted to. Do you know why my species is so agile?
No bones, said Baby Pierre. I bet that's the reason.
Have you heard of dopamine? asked Anoctopus. Well, we invertebrates have something called octopamine.
Octopamine! giggled Lavender.
I'm not making it up, said Anoctopus. It's a neurotransmitter. It makes our muscles work better, and it helps us with memory and learning.
I didn't know that, said Gaius. How fascinating you invertebrates are.
As to that, said Anoctopus, I bet you didn't know this. We octopi are so advanced in intelligence that we are classified as honorary vertebrates in the United Kingdom.
Are you indeed? said Gaius. Does that bestow any advantages?
You could say it does and you could say it doesn't, said Anoctopus. It means they have to give us an anaesthetic before they experiment on us.
Phttt! said Lavender. Are you an activist or something?
No, said Anoctopus. I'm just saying.
I thought you were going to tell us some tales, said Lavender.
They were tales, said Anoctopus.
They weren't what I call tales, said Lavender. Tell us a STORY.
Alright, said Anoctopus. I'll tell you the story of The Woman and the Octopus.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Anoctopus
An apt epithet, said Gaius.
You agree you're a fishwit? snapped the octopus.
Not at all, said Gaius. But it is an apt expression for an octopus to use.
You ARE a fishwit, said the octopus.
I'm a natural historian, said Gaius.
Well you should be more careful with your specimens, said the octopus. I assume that's what I am.
Hello octopus, said Lavender. What's your name?
I'm an octopus, said the octopus.
Anoctopus! said Lavender. That's a funny name.
Another fishwit, said Anoctopus.
Pleased to meet you, Anoctopus, said Baby Pierre. Have you been having a nice evening?
I was, said Anoctopus. I've been mating.
That's disgusting, said Lavender.
Life is short, said Anoctopus.
No it's not, said Lavender.
It is for an octopus, said Anoctopus. An octopus dies soon after mating.
Serves it right, said Lavender.
Lavender! said Gaius. That's enough. Tell me Anoctopus, if that is really your name, which I very much doubt, does your short span of life explain your good memory?
I never thought of that, said Anoctopus. I suppose it does. We have to learn fast. And you are right, my name's not Anoctopus. But I like it. You may call me Anoctopus. You see? That's an example of how quickly I make decisions.
Admirable, said Gaius. I imagine you have a great store of knowledge as well.
I do, said Anoctopus. I could tell you a tale or two.
Stay then, said Gaius.
As if I had a choice, said Anoctopus.
You agree you're a fishwit? snapped the octopus.
Not at all, said Gaius. But it is an apt expression for an octopus to use.
You ARE a fishwit, said the octopus.
I'm a natural historian, said Gaius.
Well you should be more careful with your specimens, said the octopus. I assume that's what I am.
Hello octopus, said Lavender. What's your name?
I'm an octopus, said the octopus.
Anoctopus! said Lavender. That's a funny name.
Another fishwit, said Anoctopus.
Pleased to meet you, Anoctopus, said Baby Pierre. Have you been having a nice evening?
I was, said Anoctopus. I've been mating.
That's disgusting, said Lavender.
Life is short, said Anoctopus.
No it's not, said Lavender.
It is for an octopus, said Anoctopus. An octopus dies soon after mating.
Serves it right, said Lavender.
Lavender! said Gaius. That's enough. Tell me Anoctopus, if that is really your name, which I very much doubt, does your short span of life explain your good memory?
I never thought of that, said Anoctopus. I suppose it does. We have to learn fast. And you are right, my name's not Anoctopus. But I like it. You may call me Anoctopus. You see? That's an example of how quickly I make decisions.
Admirable, said Gaius. I imagine you have a great store of knowledge as well.
I do, said Anoctopus. I could tell you a tale or two.
Stay then, said Gaius.
As if I had a choice, said Anoctopus.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Fishwit
Lavender was back. How annoying. Just when the conversation was getting interesting.
How come you're back so soon? asked Baby Pierre.
Ageless had a fight with Rabbie, said Lavender. It was funny. Rabbie said Ageless was full o' shite. Ageless wouldn't talk to him after that. Rabbie's gone back to his plinth. What's shite?
Never mind, said Gaius. How was the Reef?
Gorgeous, said Lavender. But now I'm back. I heard what you said. I know the answer.
Lavender, said Baby Pierre. Shut up. That was a private conversation.
Woo! said Lavender. Alright. So, have you caught any Important Jellyfish?
No, said Baby Pierre. We've just come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be worth it.
Oh, okay, said Lavender. What shall we look for instead?
I'm trying to catch an octopus, said Gaius. They are quite interesting. Very intelligent creatures. I saw a documentary the other night about how they learn from one another. An octopus learned how to open a cage to get the crab inside merely by watching another octopus do it.
Wow, said Lavender. How did the first octopus learn how to do it?
They didn't show that, said Gaius. But well done, an intelligent question.
There's something on the end of your line, said Baby Pierre.
No there isn't, said Lavender. You're just jealous because I asked an intelligent question.
Wait! Yes there is something! said Gaius, reeling it in.
Look! It's an octopus!
He unhooked it and dropped it into his bucket.
Watch it, fishwit, growled the octopus.
How come you're back so soon? asked Baby Pierre.
Ageless had a fight with Rabbie, said Lavender. It was funny. Rabbie said Ageless was full o' shite. Ageless wouldn't talk to him after that. Rabbie's gone back to his plinth. What's shite?
Never mind, said Gaius. How was the Reef?
Gorgeous, said Lavender. But now I'm back. I heard what you said. I know the answer.
Lavender, said Baby Pierre. Shut up. That was a private conversation.
Woo! said Lavender. Alright. So, have you caught any Important Jellyfish?
No, said Baby Pierre. We've just come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be worth it.
Oh, okay, said Lavender. What shall we look for instead?
I'm trying to catch an octopus, said Gaius. They are quite interesting. Very intelligent creatures. I saw a documentary the other night about how they learn from one another. An octopus learned how to open a cage to get the crab inside merely by watching another octopus do it.
Wow, said Lavender. How did the first octopus learn how to do it?
They didn't show that, said Gaius. But well done, an intelligent question.
There's something on the end of your line, said Baby Pierre.
No there isn't, said Lavender. You're just jealous because I asked an intelligent question.
Wait! Yes there is something! said Gaius, reeling it in.
Look! It's an octopus!
He unhooked it and dropped it into his bucket.
Watch it, fishwit, growled the octopus.
The Secret of Immortality
The jetty lights had come on. Gaius and Baby Pierre sat companionably on the jetty fishing. Gaius had retrieved his bucket by pulling on the rope. It was the same bucket Lavender had seen the night before. But now it was empty.
The sea looks very black, said Baby Pierre.
It does at night, said Gaius. But there's a lot going on down there.
Do you think there are any Immortal Jellyfish swimming around? asked Baby Pierre.
No, said Gaius. And anyway, what do you expect to learn from them?
The secret of immortality, said Baby Pierre. What do you think?
Let me tell you something, said Gaius. The Immortal Jellyfish grows to maturity, reproduces, then reverts to a polyp. At what point in that cycle would you expect them to pass on their wisdom?
I never thought about that, said Baby Pierre. I suppose when they turn into a polyp they forget everything and have to start all over again.
That's exactly what I think, said Gaius. They will be just as stupid as other creatures. Possibly more so.
That's disappointing, said Baby Pierre. So my quest is for nothing.
Not for nothing, said Gaius. Tell me, what have you learned?
I've learned that Ageless is unreliable, and that Lavender is even more unreliable, said Baby Pierre gloomily.
But what is the positive side of that knowledge? asked Gaius.
Baby Pierre wondered what Gaius was getting at.
Just then, he heard the voice he least wanted to hear.
I know! said Lavender. Hello, you two, I'm back!
The sea looks very black, said Baby Pierre.
It does at night, said Gaius. But there's a lot going on down there.
Do you think there are any Immortal Jellyfish swimming around? asked Baby Pierre.
No, said Gaius. And anyway, what do you expect to learn from them?
The secret of immortality, said Baby Pierre. What do you think?
Let me tell you something, said Gaius. The Immortal Jellyfish grows to maturity, reproduces, then reverts to a polyp. At what point in that cycle would you expect them to pass on their wisdom?
I never thought about that, said Baby Pierre. I suppose when they turn into a polyp they forget everything and have to start all over again.
That's exactly what I think, said Gaius. They will be just as stupid as other creatures. Possibly more so.
That's disappointing, said Baby Pierre. So my quest is for nothing.
Not for nothing, said Gaius. Tell me, what have you learned?
I've learned that Ageless is unreliable, and that Lavender is even more unreliable, said Baby Pierre gloomily.
But what is the positive side of that knowledge? asked Gaius.
Baby Pierre wondered what Gaius was getting at.
Just then, he heard the voice he least wanted to hear.
I know! said Lavender. Hello, you two, I'm back!
Friday, August 26, 2011
The Knowledgeable Fisherman
It was starting to get dark on the jetty. The lights had not yet come on. Baby Pierre hummed his Ballad to himself, and waited for something to happen.
He heard footsteps coming up behind him.
Hello, who have we here? said a voice.
Baby Pierre looked up and saw a fisherman, in a windcheater and a black beanie.
Are you the Knowledgeable Fisherman? asked Baby Pierre.
I have been called that, among other things, said the fisherman. Some people know me as Pliny the Elder, others call me Gaius.
Gaius! said Baby Pierre. Are you the Gaius who rode in the Tour de France?
I am, said Gaius. Of course, I didn't do very well, he added modestly.
You came fifth in the team time trials, said Baby Pierre.
Yes, but there were only six of us in the team, said Gaius.
But your time was the time that was counted, said Baby Pierre..
That's how it is, said Gaius. I was proud, though it meant very little.
And you must know Sweezus! said Baby Pierre. I hoped Sweezus would win.
So did he, said Gaius. But he didn't try hard enough. A nice enough chap. Funny name, don't you think?
He got that name from me, said Baby Pierre. I'm in a blog that he reads. One day I said "Sweezus!", to my friend Frog. Sweezus liked it and decided to use it as his Twitter name.
So you're Baby Pierre! said Gaius. I'm very pleased to meet you.
Likewise, said Baby Pierre.
I see you have the famous Mark of the Lobster Claw on your head, said Gaius.
Baby Pierre was ecstatic. At last! Someone who didn't think it was a tulip.
Would you like to stay and watch me fish? asked Gaius. I could do with some company.
Would I! said Baby Pierre.
He heard footsteps coming up behind him.
Hello, who have we here? said a voice.
Baby Pierre looked up and saw a fisherman, in a windcheater and a black beanie.
Are you the Knowledgeable Fisherman? asked Baby Pierre.
I have been called that, among other things, said the fisherman. Some people know me as Pliny the Elder, others call me Gaius.
Gaius! said Baby Pierre. Are you the Gaius who rode in the Tour de France?
I am, said Gaius. Of course, I didn't do very well, he added modestly.
You came fifth in the team time trials, said Baby Pierre.
Yes, but there were only six of us in the team, said Gaius.
But your time was the time that was counted, said Baby Pierre..
That's how it is, said Gaius. I was proud, though it meant very little.
And you must know Sweezus! said Baby Pierre. I hoped Sweezus would win.
So did he, said Gaius. But he didn't try hard enough. A nice enough chap. Funny name, don't you think?
He got that name from me, said Baby Pierre. I'm in a blog that he reads. One day I said "Sweezus!", to my friend Frog. Sweezus liked it and decided to use it as his Twitter name.
So you're Baby Pierre! said Gaius. I'm very pleased to meet you.
Likewise, said Baby Pierre.
I see you have the famous Mark of the Lobster Claw on your head, said Gaius.
Baby Pierre was ecstatic. At last! Someone who didn't think it was a tulip.
Would you like to stay and watch me fish? asked Gaius. I could do with some company.
Would I! said Baby Pierre.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Ruffles
Oh it's GORGEOUS!! cried Lavender when she saw the Crocheted Coral Reef. It's not maths at all!
There were intricate ruffled and crenellated forms of brilliantly coloured marine organisms such as corals, kelps, sponges and nudibranchs in stunning profusion and astounding diversity. There was in addition a bleached white and cream coral reef, and a reef made of plastics, polystyrenes, bottle tops and nylon string. And they were indeed gorgeous.
It IS maths, said Ageless severely. You see these ruffled edges on the corals? As forms grow outwards, increasing in every direction, that is exactly what happens. Ruffling. So space may well behave like that.
Ruffled at the edges? said Rabbie. That would explain a lot.
What? said Lavender. What would it explain?
Why I'm here although I died in 1796. Why you're nowt but an image of a wee shell. Why Ageless here is full o' shite.
Hee hee, giggled Lavender.
Ageless scowled and sidled off towards the refreshments.
.......
Meanwhile Baby Pierre was still sitting glumly at the end of the jetty. To pass the time while he decided what to do next he composed in his head The Ballad Of Baby Pierre.
THE BALLAD OF BABY PIERRE
Baby Pierre is brave young and free
Hey-ho pebble-eye-pee
He was on a quest with his daddy was he
Hey-ho pebble-eye-pee
When Lavender told his daddy to go
Hey-ho pebble-eye-PO!
Baby Pierre just wanted to know
Hey-ho pebble-eye-po
Where the immortal jellyfish grow
Hey-ho pebble-eye-po
Then Ageless his daddy would clearly see
Hey-ho pebble-eye-pee
That the cleverest pebble in the world is HE
Hey-ho pebble-eye PEE!
He suddenly felt a whole lot better.
There were intricate ruffled and crenellated forms of brilliantly coloured marine organisms such as corals, kelps, sponges and nudibranchs in stunning profusion and astounding diversity. There was in addition a bleached white and cream coral reef, and a reef made of plastics, polystyrenes, bottle tops and nylon string. And they were indeed gorgeous.
It IS maths, said Ageless severely. You see these ruffled edges on the corals? As forms grow outwards, increasing in every direction, that is exactly what happens. Ruffling. So space may well behave like that.
Ruffled at the edges? said Rabbie. That would explain a lot.
What? said Lavender. What would it explain?
Why I'm here although I died in 1796. Why you're nowt but an image of a wee shell. Why Ageless here is full o' shite.
Hee hee, giggled Lavender.
Ageless scowled and sidled off towards the refreshments.
.......
Meanwhile Baby Pierre was still sitting glumly at the end of the jetty. To pass the time while he decided what to do next he composed in his head The Ballad Of Baby Pierre.
THE BALLAD OF BABY PIERRE
Baby Pierre is brave young and free
Hey-ho pebble-eye-pee
He was on a quest with his daddy was he
Hey-ho pebble-eye-pee
When Lavender told his daddy to go
Hey-ho pebble-eye-PO!
Baby Pierre just wanted to know
Hey-ho pebble-eye-po
Where the immortal jellyfish grow
Hey-ho pebble-eye-po
Then Ageless his daddy would clearly see
Hey-ho pebble-eye-pee
That the cleverest pebble in the world is HE
Hey-ho pebble-eye PEE!
He suddenly felt a whole lot better.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Triangles
Baby Pierre was right. Rabbie, Ageless and Lavender were on their way back to town and already Lavender was bored.
Ageless was explaining something important about triangles.
On a Euclidian plane, said Ageless, the angles of a triangle always add up to 180 degrees, while on a spherical plane the angles always add up to more than 180 degrees, which can easily be demonstrated by drawing a triangle on a balloon....
Yawn, yawn, yawn, said Lavender. I don't suppose you've got a balloon?
No I haven't, said Ageless.
I thought not, said Lavender.
'Tis interestin'. Go on, said Rabbie.
However, said Ageless, on a hyperbolic plane the angles of a triangle will always add up to less than 180 degrees. And the larger the triangle the less they'll add up to.
I canna quite picture it, said Rabbie, scratching his head.
You'll see, said Ageless, when we get to the Science Exchange. The Crocheted Coral Reef is a perfect physical model of hyperbolic space. If I were a crocheter instead of a knitter, I would have joined the volunteers who helped make it. It also proves that in hyperbolic space Euclid's fifth axiom is violated.
You don't say, said Lavender. As if anyone knows what that is, Ageless! You google too much. I just hope it's pretty!
.......
Meanwhile Baby Pierre was regretting sending Lavender away. Now he was really alone.
What was the use of a quest if you had no one to share it with? If only Frog was still around. But Frog was just a squashed tomato memory.
He walked out on to the jetty. What was it that Lavender had said about a fisherman? The fisherman had a bucket full of yucky things. And what had the Seagull Oracle said about that? 'Well there you are then'.
Baby Pierre walked to the very end of the jetty. He looked out at the grey heaving waves. He looked down at the barnacled pylons. He heard a sound, like the sound of an empty bucket blowing in the wind at the end of a rope.
Ageless was explaining something important about triangles.
On a Euclidian plane, said Ageless, the angles of a triangle always add up to 180 degrees, while on a spherical plane the angles always add up to more than 180 degrees, which can easily be demonstrated by drawing a triangle on a balloon....
Yawn, yawn, yawn, said Lavender. I don't suppose you've got a balloon?
No I haven't, said Ageless.
I thought not, said Lavender.
'Tis interestin'. Go on, said Rabbie.
However, said Ageless, on a hyperbolic plane the angles of a triangle will always add up to less than 180 degrees. And the larger the triangle the less they'll add up to.
I canna quite picture it, said Rabbie, scratching his head.
You'll see, said Ageless, when we get to the Science Exchange. The Crocheted Coral Reef is a perfect physical model of hyperbolic space. If I were a crocheter instead of a knitter, I would have joined the volunteers who helped make it. It also proves that in hyperbolic space Euclid's fifth axiom is violated.
You don't say, said Lavender. As if anyone knows what that is, Ageless! You google too much. I just hope it's pretty!
.......
Meanwhile Baby Pierre was regretting sending Lavender away. Now he was really alone.
What was the use of a quest if you had no one to share it with? If only Frog was still around. But Frog was just a squashed tomato memory.
He walked out on to the jetty. What was it that Lavender had said about a fisherman? The fisherman had a bucket full of yucky things. And what had the Seagull Oracle said about that? 'Well there you are then'.
Baby Pierre walked to the very end of the jetty. He looked out at the grey heaving waves. He looked down at the barnacled pylons. He heard a sound, like the sound of an empty bucket blowing in the wind at the end of a rope.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Meant to be Maths
Click..click, said Ageless. Bad. Why do you hate me?
Because you're leaving the quest, said Baby Pierre.
But you want me to, said Ageless, looking at Lavender.
Lavender nodded.
Baby Pierre decided there was nothing for it but to act more grown up.
Alright, he said. I don't hate you, Ageless. I suppose it's all for the best.
He would kill Lavender later.
Ye're a fine lad, said Rabbie, approvingly. 'Tis good to see ye love your daddy and 'tis a piece o' luck that ye still have your bonny wee cousin for company.
I'm not his daddy, said Ageless.
I'm not his bonny wee cousin, said Lavender.
Well, thanks everyone, said Baby Pierre. Lavender, you should go with them. I'm sure you'd enjoy the Crocheted Coral Reef.
Alright I will, said Lavender. I'll go with them. And then I'll come back. And I'll still find the Immoral Jellyfish before you do, Baby Pierre.
Immoral! laughed Baby Pierre. Immoral! Ha ha!
What? said Lavender. What did I say?
Nothing. Enjoy your Crocheted Coral Reef, all of you, said Baby Pierre. What is it anyway?
I know, said Lavender. It's meant to be maths.
Shut up, Lavender. You don't know, said Baby Pierre.
She's right, said Ageless. As well as a crocheted coral reef, it's a physical model of hyperbolic space.
Baby Pierre cheered up a bit. He had heard of hyperbolic space. And he bet Lavender would think it was boring.
Because you're leaving the quest, said Baby Pierre.
But you want me to, said Ageless, looking at Lavender.
Lavender nodded.
Baby Pierre decided there was nothing for it but to act more grown up.
Alright, he said. I don't hate you, Ageless. I suppose it's all for the best.
He would kill Lavender later.
Ye're a fine lad, said Rabbie, approvingly. 'Tis good to see ye love your daddy and 'tis a piece o' luck that ye still have your bonny wee cousin for company.
I'm not his daddy, said Ageless.
I'm not his bonny wee cousin, said Lavender.
Well, thanks everyone, said Baby Pierre. Lavender, you should go with them. I'm sure you'd enjoy the Crocheted Coral Reef.
Alright I will, said Lavender. I'll go with them. And then I'll come back. And I'll still find the Immoral Jellyfish before you do, Baby Pierre.
Immoral! laughed Baby Pierre. Immoral! Ha ha!
What? said Lavender. What did I say?
Nothing. Enjoy your Crocheted Coral Reef, all of you, said Baby Pierre. What is it anyway?
I know, said Lavender. It's meant to be maths.
Shut up, Lavender. You don't know, said Baby Pierre.
She's right, said Ageless. As well as a crocheted coral reef, it's a physical model of hyperbolic space.
Baby Pierre cheered up a bit. He had heard of hyperbolic space. And he bet Lavender would think it was boring.
Bad Feelings All Round
As Ageless had said he would go home after lunch, everyone felt obliged to have lunch with him, although Ageless was the only one eating.
There's a new bakery just opened up over the road, said Ageless. Let's try it.
They all traipsed into the new bakery, which was crowded with people and smelled deliciously of pies.
Ageless was just about to order The Pie of The Month, when Lavender, Baby Pierre and Rabbie turned tail and marched out.
Ageless had little choice but to follow.
What's the matter? he said, feeling rather annoyed.
It's too downmarket for us, sad Lavender. We want to go HERE. And she pointed to an Italian cafe with several empty tables.
Oh alright, grumbled Ageless. But it's a bit rich. I'm the only one eating, and (he glanced at the menu) I don't like the menu at all.
Nevertheless it was three on to one, so Ageless sat down and ordered a bacon and egg foccaccia. The others sat down to watch him eat.
It's dry, said Ageless. I knew it would be.
What's wrong with dry? said Lavender.
Did I say anything was wrong with it? said Ageless, glaring at Lavender.
He ate his bacon and egg foccaccia, burped and stood up.
Let's go Rabbie, he said.
I hate you, said Baby Pierre.
There's a new bakery just opened up over the road, said Ageless. Let's try it.
They all traipsed into the new bakery, which was crowded with people and smelled deliciously of pies.
Ageless was just about to order The Pie of The Month, when Lavender, Baby Pierre and Rabbie turned tail and marched out.
Ageless had little choice but to follow.
What's the matter? he said, feeling rather annoyed.
It's too downmarket for us, sad Lavender. We want to go HERE. And she pointed to an Italian cafe with several empty tables.
Oh alright, grumbled Ageless. But it's a bit rich. I'm the only one eating, and (he glanced at the menu) I don't like the menu at all.
Nevertheless it was three on to one, so Ageless sat down and ordered a bacon and egg foccaccia. The others sat down to watch him eat.
It's dry, said Ageless. I knew it would be.
What's wrong with dry? said Lavender.
Did I say anything was wrong with it? said Ageless, glaring at Lavender.
He ate his bacon and egg foccaccia, burped and stood up.
Let's go Rabbie, he said.
I hate you, said Baby Pierre.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Natural Uniformity
[Pliny the Elder thinks I have misrepresented the nature of jellyfish conversation.
He thinks it most unlikely that sand would stick to one jellyfish and not to another ( assuming it to be the same sort of sand ).
Furthermore, he thinks that jellyfish would be unlikely to disagree on anything, due to their natural uniformity.
I have therefore asked him to rewrite the latter part of the conversation, which he has kindly done, so that it now reads as follows:
First jellyblob: And they don't like our sand.
Second jellyblob: They don't. But we do.
First jellyblob: Yes we do.
Second jellyblob: Whether it sticks to us or whether it doesn't.
First jellyblob: Yes, it's all the same to us.
(Jellyfish conversations are always like this).
Thank you Pliny the Elder, or should I say Gaius the knowledgeable fisherman, for that invaluable input.]
But Rabbie Burns and Baby Pierre had heard none of it, for the wind was high and the jellyblob voices low. They kept on walking till they caught up with Lavender and Ageless.
Oh hello Rabbie, FINALLY, said Lavender.
Hello Lavender, said Rabbie. I see your friends have caught up wi' ye.
Yes, but guess what, said Lavender. Ageless is going home straight after lunch.
What? said Baby Pierre. He can't do that!
Needs must, said Ageless, apologetically. I've remembered a prior appointment. I have to go to an opening of a Crocheted Coral Reef this evening.
Is that tonight? said Rabbie. D'ye know, I'd love to see it.
Come back with me then, said Ageless. We'll leave the young adventurers to their quest.
Baby Pierre looked at Lavender. Did this turn of events have something to do with her? But Lavender was not giving anything away.
He thinks it most unlikely that sand would stick to one jellyfish and not to another ( assuming it to be the same sort of sand ).
Furthermore, he thinks that jellyfish would be unlikely to disagree on anything, due to their natural uniformity.
I have therefore asked him to rewrite the latter part of the conversation, which he has kindly done, so that it now reads as follows:
First jellyblob: And they don't like our sand.
Second jellyblob: They don't. But we do.
First jellyblob: Yes we do.
Second jellyblob: Whether it sticks to us or whether it doesn't.
First jellyblob: Yes, it's all the same to us.
(Jellyfish conversations are always like this).
Thank you Pliny the Elder, or should I say Gaius the knowledgeable fisherman, for that invaluable input.]
But Rabbie Burns and Baby Pierre had heard none of it, for the wind was high and the jellyblob voices low. They kept on walking till they caught up with Lavender and Ageless.
Oh hello Rabbie, FINALLY, said Lavender.
Hello Lavender, said Rabbie. I see your friends have caught up wi' ye.
Yes, but guess what, said Lavender. Ageless is going home straight after lunch.
What? said Baby Pierre. He can't do that!
Needs must, said Ageless, apologetically. I've remembered a prior appointment. I have to go to an opening of a Crocheted Coral Reef this evening.
Is that tonight? said Rabbie. D'ye know, I'd love to see it.
Come back with me then, said Ageless. We'll leave the young adventurers to their quest.
Baby Pierre looked at Lavender. Did this turn of events have something to do with her? But Lavender was not giving anything away.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Not Impervious
I've no love for sand, said Rabbie, as he plodded with Baby Pierre back up the beach towards Lavender and Ageless.
Ageless loves sand, said Baby Pierre. He's read a book about it.
A book about sand? said Rabbie. That sounds like possibly the most tedious book of all time, if ye don't mind me sayin' so.
I don't mind, said Baby Pierre. But remember, we're both made of sand.
Ye're right laddie, said Rabbie. Ye're a smart wee laddie. And Lavender, she's a smart wee lassie too.
We're on a quest, said Baby Pierre. To find the....
...the Immortal Jellyfish, I know, said Rabbie. But ye'll never find it on the shore.
Why not? said Baby Pierre.
Ye only find dead ones on the shore, said Rabbie. See? he added, kicking a kidney-shaped jelly-like blob that was lying on the sand. Ye need to go out on the water to catch a live one.
The jelly-like blob was furious. Watch it, he muttered. I'm not dead, you big lumbering muggins.
A jelly-like blob lying next to him nodded.
Fools they are, he said. Did you hear what they said? They're looking for some of our cousins.
They'll get no help from me, said the first blob.
Nor me, said the second.
And they don't like our sand, said the first.
I don't like it either, said the second. It sticks to my outside and scratches.
I like it, said the first. It never sticks to me.
Impervious, you are, said the second.
Not impervious, said the first, that's an incorrect use of the word.
Pedantic, said the second.
That's worse, said the first.
No, you are, said the second......
(Jellyfish conversations are always like this).
Ageless loves sand, said Baby Pierre. He's read a book about it.
A book about sand? said Rabbie. That sounds like possibly the most tedious book of all time, if ye don't mind me sayin' so.
I don't mind, said Baby Pierre. But remember, we're both made of sand.
Ye're right laddie, said Rabbie. Ye're a smart wee laddie. And Lavender, she's a smart wee lassie too.
We're on a quest, said Baby Pierre. To find the....
...the Immortal Jellyfish, I know, said Rabbie. But ye'll never find it on the shore.
Why not? said Baby Pierre.
Ye only find dead ones on the shore, said Rabbie. See? he added, kicking a kidney-shaped jelly-like blob that was lying on the sand. Ye need to go out on the water to catch a live one.
The jelly-like blob was furious. Watch it, he muttered. I'm not dead, you big lumbering muggins.
A jelly-like blob lying next to him nodded.
Fools they are, he said. Did you hear what they said? They're looking for some of our cousins.
They'll get no help from me, said the first blob.
Nor me, said the second.
And they don't like our sand, said the first.
I don't like it either, said the second. It sticks to my outside and scratches.
I like it, said the first. It never sticks to me.
Impervious, you are, said the second.
Not impervious, said the first, that's an incorrect use of the word.
Pedantic, said the second.
That's worse, said the first.
No, you are, said the second......
(Jellyfish conversations are always like this).
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The Hole
Don't worry about coastal erosion, my friend, said Ageless. This whole coastline will soon be inundated by rising sea levels due to global warming. Someone is sure to move you before that happens.
But I like it here, said the Jellyfish Oracle. I don't want to be moved.
It won't be up to you, said Ageless. And it would be worse if they forgot.
The Jellyfish Oracle shivered, insofar as he was able.
Blubbblubb, he wept.
Show some backbone, Jelly, said Ageless.
Lavender appeared, having said goodbye for the second time to the Seagull Oracle.
Let's go down to the beach, she said. And search along the shore.
Yes, let's, said Ageless quickly. Goodbye Jelly. I'll be back in a couple of weeks to pick up my book.
Ageless, Lavender and Baby Pierre went down the steps to the beach.
Now Lavender, said Ageless, you mentioned a search. What exactly are we looking for?
The Immortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. You dope.
Excuse me! said Ageless. I am no dope. I just forgot that's all. What a shame, I could have asked Jelly about it.
Baby Pierre was speechless. Ageless had forgotten their quest! So he hadn't even asked Jelly about the Immortal Jellyfish! The quest was a failure.
He walked off down the beach by himself, idly looking for jellyfish. Suddenly he saw what looked like a man standing knee-deep in sand.
Hi there! said the man. Nice mornin' for a wee stroll along the shore! Have ye seen ma wee friend anywhere around here? She goes by the name of Lavender.
No, said Baby Pierre grumpily. Oh... yes I suppose so. Dig yourself up out of that hole and I'll take you to her.
I'm no in a hole, wee man, said Rabbie.
But I like it here, said the Jellyfish Oracle. I don't want to be moved.
It won't be up to you, said Ageless. And it would be worse if they forgot.
The Jellyfish Oracle shivered, insofar as he was able.
Blubbblubb, he wept.
Show some backbone, Jelly, said Ageless.
Lavender appeared, having said goodbye for the second time to the Seagull Oracle.
Let's go down to the beach, she said. And search along the shore.
Yes, let's, said Ageless quickly. Goodbye Jelly. I'll be back in a couple of weeks to pick up my book.
Ageless, Lavender and Baby Pierre went down the steps to the beach.
Now Lavender, said Ageless, you mentioned a search. What exactly are we looking for?
The Immortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. You dope.
Excuse me! said Ageless. I am no dope. I just forgot that's all. What a shame, I could have asked Jelly about it.
Baby Pierre was speechless. Ageless had forgotten their quest! So he hadn't even asked Jelly about the Immortal Jellyfish! The quest was a failure.
He walked off down the beach by himself, idly looking for jellyfish. Suddenly he saw what looked like a man standing knee-deep in sand.
Hi there! said the man. Nice mornin' for a wee stroll along the shore! Have ye seen ma wee friend anywhere around here? She goes by the name of Lavender.
No, said Baby Pierre grumpily. Oh... yes I suppose so. Dig yourself up out of that hole and I'll take you to her.
I'm no in a hole, wee man, said Rabbie.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Importance of Chatting
Time we were off? exclaimed Ageless. But we've only just arrived.
We're not getting anywhere, said Baby Pierre. Have you forgotten the quest?
No I haven't, said Ageless. The Jellyfish Oracle is an old friend. We've been chatting.
Yes, said the Jellyfish Oracle. Some folks don't know the value of chatting.
There's no value in chatting, said Baby Pierre. It's just wasting time.
Wrong! said the Jellyfish Oracle. I have learned something new about sand dunes.
What? asked Baby Pierre.
They move, said the Jellyfish Oracle. They move over rubbish and hide it, then
they move on and the rubbish appears again. It's brilliant.
That's not quite the point, said Ageless.
What kind of rubbish? asked Baby Pierre.
Tins, said Ageless. I think Ralph's rubbish was tins.
Ah, tins, said Baby Pierre. That gives me an idea.
I hope you're not going to suggest what I think you're going to suggest, said Ageless.
He is, he is! said the Jellyfish Oracle, getting excited.
How do you know? said Baby Pierre?
I'm an Oracle, derrrr, said the Jellyfish Oracle.
How about letting me in on it? said Ageless.
Well, said Baby Pierre, your tin of yam biscuits is holding you up, right?
Not necessarily, said Ageless. Sometimes I'm holding it up. Oh....you mean it's a nuisance!
Yes, said Baby Pierre. So why don't you leave it on the beach in front of a sand dune, and wait till the sand dune moves over it?
Not likely! said Ageless. They're not that sort of dunes. These dunes are more likely to disappear altogether, due to coastal erosion.
Goodness! Are they? said the Jellyfish Oracle. But this is my home!
We're not getting anywhere, said Baby Pierre. Have you forgotten the quest?
No I haven't, said Ageless. The Jellyfish Oracle is an old friend. We've been chatting.
Yes, said the Jellyfish Oracle. Some folks don't know the value of chatting.
There's no value in chatting, said Baby Pierre. It's just wasting time.
Wrong! said the Jellyfish Oracle. I have learned something new about sand dunes.
What? asked Baby Pierre.
They move, said the Jellyfish Oracle. They move over rubbish and hide it, then
they move on and the rubbish appears again. It's brilliant.
That's not quite the point, said Ageless.
What kind of rubbish? asked Baby Pierre.
Tins, said Ageless. I think Ralph's rubbish was tins.
Ah, tins, said Baby Pierre. That gives me an idea.
I hope you're not going to suggest what I think you're going to suggest, said Ageless.
He is, he is! said the Jellyfish Oracle, getting excited.
How do you know? said Baby Pierre?
I'm an Oracle, derrrr, said the Jellyfish Oracle.
How about letting me in on it? said Ageless.
Well, said Baby Pierre, your tin of yam biscuits is holding you up, right?
Not necessarily, said Ageless. Sometimes I'm holding it up. Oh....you mean it's a nuisance!
Yes, said Baby Pierre. So why don't you leave it on the beach in front of a sand dune, and wait till the sand dune moves over it?
Not likely! said Ageless. They're not that sort of dunes. These dunes are more likely to disappear altogether, due to coastal erosion.
Goodness! Are they? said the Jellyfish Oracle. But this is my home!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
On the Move
Baby Pierre looked back at the Jellyfish Oracle's rock. There was Ageless, comfortably perched on the edge, nattering away about something. No wonder Lavender was impatient. Baby Pierre was feeling pretty impatient himself. Perhaps it was time to say something.
Ageless and the Jellyfish Oracle were talking about Kobo.
And how is dear Kobo? asked the Jellyfish Oracle.
Oh, much the same, said Ageless. Being a fossilised clam means you don't change that much.
Tell me about it, said the Jellyfish Oracle. Being a mosaic means much the same thing. You don't know how lucky you are.
Yes, but there's always the fear, said Ageless.
True, said the Jellyfish Oracle. You fear a horrible death. But Kobo and I, we fear boredom.
Nonsense, said Ageless. That's what books are for. Kobo never gets bored. She was the one who introduced me to stories. I bet she would love this book about sand. I shall send it to her when you've read it. There's a wonderful part about dunes.
Dunes! said the Jellyfish Oracle. What sort of dunes?
Sand dunes in Africa, said Ageless, the crescent-shaped ones called barchans. They move slowly across the desert, never changing their shape.
How do we know? asked the Jellyfish Oracle.
We know, said Ageless, because of Ralph Bagnold's rubbish. He was a scientist interested in sand dunes. In 1930 he camped in front of a barchan, leaving his rubbish behind to be buried as the barchan advanced. Fifty years later, another scientist found Ralph Bagnold's rubbish 150 metres away, behind the barchan. So he knew exactly how far the barchan had moved.
How delightful, said the Jellyfish Oracle. I like stories about things that move.
That's good, said Baby Pierre, appearing suddenly behind them. Because it's time we were off.
Ageless and the Jellyfish Oracle were talking about Kobo.
And how is dear Kobo? asked the Jellyfish Oracle.
Oh, much the same, said Ageless. Being a fossilised clam means you don't change that much.
Tell me about it, said the Jellyfish Oracle. Being a mosaic means much the same thing. You don't know how lucky you are.
Yes, but there's always the fear, said Ageless.
True, said the Jellyfish Oracle. You fear a horrible death. But Kobo and I, we fear boredom.
Nonsense, said Ageless. That's what books are for. Kobo never gets bored. She was the one who introduced me to stories. I bet she would love this book about sand. I shall send it to her when you've read it. There's a wonderful part about dunes.
Dunes! said the Jellyfish Oracle. What sort of dunes?
Sand dunes in Africa, said Ageless, the crescent-shaped ones called barchans. They move slowly across the desert, never changing their shape.
How do we know? asked the Jellyfish Oracle.
We know, said Ageless, because of Ralph Bagnold's rubbish. He was a scientist interested in sand dunes. In 1930 he camped in front of a barchan, leaving his rubbish behind to be buried as the barchan advanced. Fifty years later, another scientist found Ralph Bagnold's rubbish 150 metres away, behind the barchan. So he knew exactly how far the barchan had moved.
How delightful, said the Jellyfish Oracle. I like stories about things that move.
That's good, said Baby Pierre, appearing suddenly behind them. Because it's time we were off.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Busted
Lavender, you are so busted, said Baby Pierre. Wait till Ageless hears about this.
What? said Lavender, although she knew.
You broke the statue of Rabbit Burns, said Baby Pierre. That makes you a vandal. You will be in the newspapers, and not in a good way.
It's Rabbie, not Rabbit, said Lavender. And I didn't break him, he broke himself. He wanted to come on the quest.
Well, where is he now? asked Baby Pierre.
Lavender shrugged. I don't know. He wanted to sit on the footpath and wait until morning, and I didn't.
That's just like you, said Baby Pierre.
Good, said Lavender. I like being like me.
Hear hear, said the Seagull Oracle. To thine own self be true.
What's that supposed to mean? asked Baby Pierre.
It's Shakespeare, said the Seagull Oracle. It means do what you like. And I would, if I wasn't cemented on here.
Poor Seagull Oracle, said Lavender. Would you like a biscuit or anything?
What sort? said the Seagull Oracle.
Lavender turned to Baby Pierre.
What sort are in Ageless's tin?
Yam, snapped Baby Pierre.
That sounds nice, said the Seagull Oracle wistfully. But I don't eat, you know.
That's alright, said Lavender. To thine own self .... what was it again?
Beetroot! said Baby Pierre.
What? said Lavender, although she knew.
You broke the statue of Rabbit Burns, said Baby Pierre. That makes you a vandal. You will be in the newspapers, and not in a good way.
It's Rabbie, not Rabbit, said Lavender. And I didn't break him, he broke himself. He wanted to come on the quest.
Well, where is he now? asked Baby Pierre.
Lavender shrugged. I don't know. He wanted to sit on the footpath and wait until morning, and I didn't.
That's just like you, said Baby Pierre.
Good, said Lavender. I like being like me.
Hear hear, said the Seagull Oracle. To thine own self be true.
What's that supposed to mean? asked Baby Pierre.
It's Shakespeare, said the Seagull Oracle. It means do what you like. And I would, if I wasn't cemented on here.
Poor Seagull Oracle, said Lavender. Would you like a biscuit or anything?
What sort? said the Seagull Oracle.
Lavender turned to Baby Pierre.
What sort are in Ageless's tin?
Yam, snapped Baby Pierre.
That sounds nice, said the Seagull Oracle wistfully. But I don't eat, you know.
That's alright, said Lavender. To thine own self .... what was it again?
Beetroot! said Baby Pierre.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Lavender Stuffs Up
Ageless and the Jellyfish Oracle continued to talk about Sand. Lavender became impatient.
Come on Baby Pierre, she said. I know where there's a better Oracle than this old Jellyfish one.
She dragged Baby Pierre back to the rock of the Seagull Oracle, opposite number 291.
Baby Pierre said nothing, but he was secretly impressed by the Seagull Oracle's address. Number 291, that was Ageless's age, as of this morning. It might be an omen.
Seagull Oracle, said Lavender, me and Baby Pierre want to know something.
Whaaaat? croaked the Seagull Oracle.
We're looking for the Immortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Where is it?
Waaark! said the Seagull Oracle. Ask Gaius. He's a fisherman. He was on the jetty last night. He knows all about jellyfish.
No, he doesn't, said Lavender. He sent me to you.
Did you look in his bucket? said the Seagull Oracle?
No, said Lavender. Something yucky was inside that bucket.
There you are then, said the Seagull Oracle.
I knew someone called Gaius, said Baby Pierre. He rode in the Tour de France.
You don't say? said the Seagull Oracle. I wonder if it was him?
What kind of oracle are you if you don't know? said Lavender.
Oracles answer questions, said the Seagull Oracle. They don't know anything.
He rode for Team Bumptious, said Baby Pierre. He ate mints. He thought he'd get disqualified for cheating, but he didn't. His team didn't win.
That sounds like Gaius, said the Seagull Oracle.
Oh splittereens! said Lavender. Get back to the subject why don't you!
Baby Pierre and the Seagull Oracle stared.
What's up Lavender?, said Baby Pierre. And what do you mean, 'splittereens'?
It's what statues say when they're broken, said Lavender.
Come on Baby Pierre, she said. I know where there's a better Oracle than this old Jellyfish one.
She dragged Baby Pierre back to the rock of the Seagull Oracle, opposite number 291.
Baby Pierre said nothing, but he was secretly impressed by the Seagull Oracle's address. Number 291, that was Ageless's age, as of this morning. It might be an omen.
Seagull Oracle, said Lavender, me and Baby Pierre want to know something.
Whaaaat? croaked the Seagull Oracle.
We're looking for the Immortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Where is it?
Waaark! said the Seagull Oracle. Ask Gaius. He's a fisherman. He was on the jetty last night. He knows all about jellyfish.
No, he doesn't, said Lavender. He sent me to you.
Did you look in his bucket? said the Seagull Oracle?
No, said Lavender. Something yucky was inside that bucket.
There you are then, said the Seagull Oracle.
I knew someone called Gaius, said Baby Pierre. He rode in the Tour de France.
You don't say? said the Seagull Oracle. I wonder if it was him?
What kind of oracle are you if you don't know? said Lavender.
Oracles answer questions, said the Seagull Oracle. They don't know anything.
He rode for Team Bumptious, said Baby Pierre. He ate mints. He thought he'd get disqualified for cheating, but he didn't. His team didn't win.
That sounds like Gaius, said the Seagull Oracle.
Oh splittereens! said Lavender. Get back to the subject why don't you!
Baby Pierre and the Seagull Oracle stared.
What's up Lavender?, said Baby Pierre. And what do you mean, 'splittereens'?
It's what statues say when they're broken, said Lavender.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Opposite 293
It was early morning on the Esplanade at Henley when Lavender drew level with Number 293. She looked in amongst the rocks opposite. She saw a flat rock with a colourful jellyfish mosaic stuck to it. At the same moment, she saw Ageless and Baby Pierre.
Hello, said Lavender. You took your time.
Ha ha, said Baby Pierre. Looks like you only just got here.
I've been here all night, said Lavender, and I've found out lots of things.
Like how to get here, said Baby Pierre. You should have waited for us. Ageless knew where to come. Look Ageless. Lavender's here.
Lavender! said Ageless. I see you've found the Jellyfish Oracle all by yourself. Well done! Now Lavender. I don't suppose you know anything of the whereabouts of the statue of Rabbie Burns?
No, I don't, said Lavender. I don't know anything.
Excuse me! said a jellylike voice. But unless you have come to consult me, would you mind moving along.
Jellyfish Oracle! said Ageless. Don't you recognise me?
No, said The Jellyfish Oracle. Who are you?
Ageless Lobster, said Ageless, coming out from behind the book of sand and tin of biscuits, which he had been pushing in front of him ever since he got off the bus.
Oh, hello Ageless, said the Jellyfish Oracle. What's the book?
It's a book about Sand, said Ageless. It's very interesting. But these biscuits are just a liability.
Sand, said The Jellyfish Oracle. I should very much like to read that after you've finished with it.
Certainly , said Ageless. I shall be happy to lend it to you. It is due back at the library by the end of the month. Care for a biscuit?
No thanks, said the Jellyfish Oracle. Nice tin though.
Baby Pierre and Lavender looked at one another.
He knows him, said Baby Pierre.
That sucks, said Lavender.
Hello, said Lavender. You took your time.
Ha ha, said Baby Pierre. Looks like you only just got here.
I've been here all night, said Lavender, and I've found out lots of things.
Like how to get here, said Baby Pierre. You should have waited for us. Ageless knew where to come. Look Ageless. Lavender's here.
Lavender! said Ageless. I see you've found the Jellyfish Oracle all by yourself. Well done! Now Lavender. I don't suppose you know anything of the whereabouts of the statue of Rabbie Burns?
No, I don't, said Lavender. I don't know anything.
Excuse me! said a jellylike voice. But unless you have come to consult me, would you mind moving along.
Jellyfish Oracle! said Ageless. Don't you recognise me?
No, said The Jellyfish Oracle. Who are you?
Ageless Lobster, said Ageless, coming out from behind the book of sand and tin of biscuits, which he had been pushing in front of him ever since he got off the bus.
Oh, hello Ageless, said the Jellyfish Oracle. What's the book?
It's a book about Sand, said Ageless. It's very interesting. But these biscuits are just a liability.
Sand, said The Jellyfish Oracle. I should very much like to read that after you've finished with it.
Certainly , said Ageless. I shall be happy to lend it to you. It is due back at the library by the end of the month. Care for a biscuit?
No thanks, said the Jellyfish Oracle. Nice tin though.
Baby Pierre and Lavender looked at one another.
He knows him, said Baby Pierre.
That sucks, said Lavender.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Trickiness
It was almost morning by the time Lavender found Number 291, the Esplanade, a large red brick bungalow. She crossed the road to search amongst the rocks for the Jellyfish Oracle.
Craaark! said a voice.
Who's that? said Lavender, startled.
Are you looking for me? said the voice.
Are you the Jellyfish Oracle? asked Lavender.
No, said the voice, disappointedly. I'm the Seagull Oracle. I don't know why nobody ever wants to consult me.
I know, said Lavender. You're at the wrong address. This is the address of the Jellyfish Oracle.
The Jellyfish Oracle lives next door, said the Seagull Oracle. Opposite number 293.
Why don't you change places? asked Lavender.
We can't move, said the Seagull Oracle. That's the thing about oracles.
Lavender peered at the Seagull Oracle in the dim early morning light. He appeared as a colourful mosaic cemented to a flat rock.
I see, said Lavender. Well thank you Seagull Oracle. I'll be moving along. But if you want my advice...,
I don't, said the Seagull Oracle, oracles don't receive advice. They give it.
All the same, said Lavender, it would be easy enough to advertise your real address somewhere in Henley Square, wouldn't it. You could put up a sign. Seagull Oracle, opposite Number 291 the Esplanade. Advice given. Or something like that.
Can't do that, said the Seagull Oracle, definitely not.
Why not? asked Lavender.
That's the Jellyfish Oracle's address, said the Seagull Oracle.
But it's wrong, said Lavender.
Craaark! said the Seagull Oracle. I predict that you will find the Jellyfish Oracle nonetheless.
None the less? said Lavender, who had heard about the trickiness of oracles.
Nonetheless, said the Seagull Oracle, who hadn't.
Craaark! said a voice.
Who's that? said Lavender, startled.
Are you looking for me? said the voice.
Are you the Jellyfish Oracle? asked Lavender.
No, said the voice, disappointedly. I'm the Seagull Oracle. I don't know why nobody ever wants to consult me.
I know, said Lavender. You're at the wrong address. This is the address of the Jellyfish Oracle.
The Jellyfish Oracle lives next door, said the Seagull Oracle. Opposite number 293.
Why don't you change places? asked Lavender.
We can't move, said the Seagull Oracle. That's the thing about oracles.
Lavender peered at the Seagull Oracle in the dim early morning light. He appeared as a colourful mosaic cemented to a flat rock.
I see, said Lavender. Well thank you Seagull Oracle. I'll be moving along. But if you want my advice...,
I don't, said the Seagull Oracle, oracles don't receive advice. They give it.
All the same, said Lavender, it would be easy enough to advertise your real address somewhere in Henley Square, wouldn't it. You could put up a sign. Seagull Oracle, opposite Number 291 the Esplanade. Advice given. Or something like that.
Can't do that, said the Seagull Oracle, definitely not.
Why not? asked Lavender.
That's the Jellyfish Oracle's address, said the Seagull Oracle.
But it's wrong, said Lavender.
Craaark! said the Seagull Oracle. I predict that you will find the Jellyfish Oracle nonetheless.
None the less? said Lavender, who had heard about the trickiness of oracles.
Nonetheless, said the Seagull Oracle, who hadn't.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
A Bad Night for Fishing
Lavender had been walking for ages when she came at last to Henley Square. It was late and all the restaurants were closed. There was a faint light coming from the jetty. She walked towards the light.
The light was from a fisherman's torch. Lavender could see a plastic bucket glowing in the torchlight, and she could see things moving in the bucket.
Hello, said Lavender to the fisherman. Have you....?
Caught anything? said the fisherman. No I havent. It's a bad night for fishing.
I wasn't going to ask you that, said Lavender. I was going to ask you if you'd seen any jellyfish in the water tonight. I'm looking for an Immortal Jellyfish in particular.
By Jingo! said the fisherman. You're an interesting specimen! Let me look at you.
Arrgggh! You creepy old man! cried Lavender, turning to run.
No wait, said the fisherman. I meant you are an interesting example of an impression in stone of a fossilised auger or screwpile shell and a member of the Turritellidae family. Stay here and chat with me a while.
Lavender was disarmed. She sat down beside the knowledgeable fisherman.
What is your interest in the Immortal Jellyfish? asked the fisherman.
I want to find it first, before Baby Pierre and Ageless find it, said Lavender.
I suppose that's as good a reason as any, said the fisherman. Why do they want to find it?
Baby Pierre wants to find it because he thought Ageless would like it, and Ageless wants to find it because Baby Pierre asked him to come on a quest. It's my quest too.
This Ageless, said the fisherman, is he a fossil, or a stone?
No silly, he's a lobster, said Lavender. A member of the Seafood family. He's ageless but he's not immortal. That's why Baby Pierre wants him to find it.
Does he want to be immortal? asked the fisherman. Some people think that drinking a concoction of immortal jellyfish will make them immortal, but that shows a distinct lack of scientfic logic.
Oh no, he doesn't want to DRINK it! said Lavender, shocked. He wants to meet it, that's all.
Very commendable, said the fisherman. Well, I can't help you, but I know who can.
Ooh! Who? said Lavender, excited.
Go back to the Esplanade. There's a veritable Parthenon of Sea Oracles there amongst the rocks. Oracular Seagulls, Crabs, Cuttlefish, Pelicans, you name it. Somewhere opposite house number, ummm, 291 I think, you'll find the Oracular Jellyfish. He'll know something.
Did you say 291? asked Lavender. Now I know I'm on the right track. That's Ageless's age, in the morning. Thanks fisherman.
Call me Gaius, said the fisherman, softly.
But Lavender wasn't listening. She was off.
The light was from a fisherman's torch. Lavender could see a plastic bucket glowing in the torchlight, and she could see things moving in the bucket.
Hello, said Lavender to the fisherman. Have you....?
Caught anything? said the fisherman. No I havent. It's a bad night for fishing.
I wasn't going to ask you that, said Lavender. I was going to ask you if you'd seen any jellyfish in the water tonight. I'm looking for an Immortal Jellyfish in particular.
By Jingo! said the fisherman. You're an interesting specimen! Let me look at you.
Arrgggh! You creepy old man! cried Lavender, turning to run.
No wait, said the fisherman. I meant you are an interesting example of an impression in stone of a fossilised auger or screwpile shell and a member of the Turritellidae family. Stay here and chat with me a while.
Lavender was disarmed. She sat down beside the knowledgeable fisherman.
What is your interest in the Immortal Jellyfish? asked the fisherman.
I want to find it first, before Baby Pierre and Ageless find it, said Lavender.
I suppose that's as good a reason as any, said the fisherman. Why do they want to find it?
Baby Pierre wants to find it because he thought Ageless would like it, and Ageless wants to find it because Baby Pierre asked him to come on a quest. It's my quest too.
This Ageless, said the fisherman, is he a fossil, or a stone?
No silly, he's a lobster, said Lavender. A member of the Seafood family. He's ageless but he's not immortal. That's why Baby Pierre wants him to find it.
Does he want to be immortal? asked the fisherman. Some people think that drinking a concoction of immortal jellyfish will make them immortal, but that shows a distinct lack of scientfic logic.
Oh no, he doesn't want to DRINK it! said Lavender, shocked. He wants to meet it, that's all.
Very commendable, said the fisherman. Well, I can't help you, but I know who can.
Ooh! Who? said Lavender, excited.
Go back to the Esplanade. There's a veritable Parthenon of Sea Oracles there amongst the rocks. Oracular Seagulls, Crabs, Cuttlefish, Pelicans, you name it. Somewhere opposite house number, ummm, 291 I think, you'll find the Oracular Jellyfish. He'll know something.
Did you say 291? asked Lavender. Now I know I'm on the right track. That's Ageless's age, in the morning. Thanks fisherman.
Call me Gaius, said the fisherman, softly.
But Lavender wasn't listening. She was off.
Gang Oft Agley
The bus rolled on through the night. Lavender gazed out of the window at the blur of brightly lit cafes, pubs and shops. Rabbie was rambling on about his job as an excise man.
You didn't answer me, she said, are we there yet?
Not yet, said Rabbie. Were ye listenin' to me at all?
Yes, said Lavender. You were an exercise man.
Excercise man! You didna listen, said Rabbie. And he began explaining what a customs and excise man had to do.
The bus turned sharp right and headed north. Lavender was alarmed.
Shouldn't we be at Henley by now? she asked.
Splittereens!!! spluttered Rabbie. We've passed it!
Splittereens, said Lavender. What does that mean?
That's what we statues say when somethin's gang agley, said Rabbie.
If this bus is gang-agley we're getting off, said Lavender. Press the stop button.I can't reach it.
Rabbie pressed the stop button and they got off the bus.
Where are we? asked Lavender.
I'm no sure lassie, but I can smell the sea, said Rabbie. It's this way.
They seemed to walk forever. It was cold, dark and the roar of the sea was far away. Lavender wished she'd waited for Baby Pierre and Ageless.
What does gang-agley mean? she asked.
The best laid plans o' mice and men gang oft agley, said Rabbie.
Oh, said Lavender. Are we agley?
I fear so, said Rabbie. Let's sit down and wait till mornin'.
Lavender was furious.
Splittereens! she said. I'm not stopping.
And she stomped away.
You didn't answer me, she said, are we there yet?
Not yet, said Rabbie. Were ye listenin' to me at all?
Yes, said Lavender. You were an exercise man.
Excercise man! You didna listen, said Rabbie. And he began explaining what a customs and excise man had to do.
The bus turned sharp right and headed north. Lavender was alarmed.
Shouldn't we be at Henley by now? she asked.
Splittereens!!! spluttered Rabbie. We've passed it!
Splittereens, said Lavender. What does that mean?
That's what we statues say when somethin's gang agley, said Rabbie.
If this bus is gang-agley we're getting off, said Lavender. Press the stop button.I can't reach it.
Rabbie pressed the stop button and they got off the bus.
Where are we? asked Lavender.
I'm no sure lassie, but I can smell the sea, said Rabbie. It's this way.
They seemed to walk forever. It was cold, dark and the roar of the sea was far away. Lavender wished she'd waited for Baby Pierre and Ageless.
What does gang-agley mean? she asked.
The best laid plans o' mice and men gang oft agley, said Rabbie.
Oh, said Lavender. Are we agley?
I fear so, said Rabbie. Let's sit down and wait till mornin'.
Lavender was furious.
Splittereens! she said. I'm not stopping.
And she stomped away.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Highland Mary
Rabbie was taken aback. Had Lavender really said 'Vom!'? He didn't know what it meant. But he could think of only one word that began with 'vom' and the word was insulting.
She needs to understand me, he thought to himself.
When I was a lad.... he began.
Lavender settled back in her seat on the bus, and tried to look sleepy.
When I was a lad, said Rabbie, we were verra poor. Ma daddy was a tenant farmer.
Your daddy... said Lavender, sleepily.
Aye ma daddy, said Rabbie, he never could make a go of a farm. And neither could I and ma brother Gilbert, when we were grown. We lived in Ayrshire, ye ken.
Ken, said Lavender, was that your other brother?
Nooo, said Rabbie. Daft girlie. I was about to board the Nancy, a two-masted brigantine, for Jamaica. I had the promise of a book keepin' job there. Lucky for me I didna go. It was on a slave plantation. Imagine what that would ha' done for ma reputation wi' folks nowadays.
Lavender opened her eyes.
What? she said.
Never ye mind, if ye don't know. But 'twould ha done me some harm, and I may never ha' written ma most famous poems, said Rabbie. Do ye want to know what stopped me goin' to Jamaica?
No, said Lavender, yawning ostentatiously.
Aye, ye do, said Rabbie. It was two things. No, in fact it was three. No, four. Ma future wife Jean gave birth to twins, and though her daddy hated me, I was still hopin' to be her husband.
Her daddy hated you, said Lavender. Why?
'Twas because of the others, said Rabbie. Other maids, other bairns, as well as ma drinkin' and carousin', and that I hadna any money to ma name.
Daddies shouldn't be like that, said Lavender. Daddies should be NICE. And that means you as well. What was the third thing?
The third thing? said Rabbie. I'm glad ye're awake enough to ask. It was that I'd been persuaded to have a wee book o' poems published, to try and earn some money for ma trip to Jamaica, and just before I was due to set sail, I had the news that it was sellin' verra well. It was the beginnin' o' ma fame. What d'ye think o' that, wee shelly lassie?
Bor-ING! said Lavender. What was the fourth thing?
Oh, ma Highland Mary died. She was goin' to come wi' me to Jamaica.
Uh! You're disgusting! said Lavender. Are we there yet?
She needs to understand me, he thought to himself.
When I was a lad.... he began.
Lavender settled back in her seat on the bus, and tried to look sleepy.
When I was a lad, said Rabbie, we were verra poor. Ma daddy was a tenant farmer.
Your daddy... said Lavender, sleepily.
Aye ma daddy, said Rabbie, he never could make a go of a farm. And neither could I and ma brother Gilbert, when we were grown. We lived in Ayrshire, ye ken.
Ken, said Lavender, was that your other brother?
Nooo, said Rabbie. Daft girlie. I was about to board the Nancy, a two-masted brigantine, for Jamaica. I had the promise of a book keepin' job there. Lucky for me I didna go. It was on a slave plantation. Imagine what that would ha' done for ma reputation wi' folks nowadays.
Lavender opened her eyes.
What? she said.
Never ye mind, if ye don't know. But 'twould ha done me some harm, and I may never ha' written ma most famous poems, said Rabbie. Do ye want to know what stopped me goin' to Jamaica?
No, said Lavender, yawning ostentatiously.
Aye, ye do, said Rabbie. It was two things. No, in fact it was three. No, four. Ma future wife Jean gave birth to twins, and though her daddy hated me, I was still hopin' to be her husband.
Her daddy hated you, said Lavender. Why?
'Twas because of the others, said Rabbie. Other maids, other bairns, as well as ma drinkin' and carousin', and that I hadna any money to ma name.
Daddies shouldn't be like that, said Lavender. Daddies should be NICE. And that means you as well. What was the third thing?
The third thing? said Rabbie. I'm glad ye're awake enough to ask. It was that I'd been persuaded to have a wee book o' poems published, to try and earn some money for ma trip to Jamaica, and just before I was due to set sail, I had the news that it was sellin' verra well. It was the beginnin' o' ma fame. What d'ye think o' that, wee shelly lassie?
Bor-ING! said Lavender. What was the fourth thing?
Oh, ma Highland Mary died. She was goin' to come wi' me to Jamaica.
Uh! You're disgusting! said Lavender. Are we there yet?
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Red Red Rose
Eventually a bus came by, and they both got on.
What happened to your wee companion? asked Rabbie. The wee pebble wi' the tulip on his head?
Wee pebble? said Lavender Oh you mean Baby Pierre? He'll be still in the Library with Ageless. I wanted to beat them to Henley and be the first one to find the Jellyfish.
Baby Pierre, said Rabbie. Is he your boyfriend?
No! said Lavender. He's my sort-of cousin. And Ageless is his yes-no-probably daddy.
Yes-no-probably! said Rabbie. He sounds a bit like me.
I thought you might be his daddy, said Lavender, but now I'm thinking that you might be mine.
No, I'm not your daddy, nor his, said Rabbie, but I do admit to bein' the yes-no-probable daddy of a lot o' wee bairns in ma time.
That's called Reproduction, said Lavender. And if you're truly immortal you ought to get younger now.
That's only for jellyfish, lassie, said Rabbie. But oh how I did love the ladies. I wrote some fair bonny poems about 'em.
Did you? said Lavender, without interest.
Aye, I did, said Rabbie. My Love is like a Red Red Rose, that's newly sprung in June.... that's one of ma best.
Vom! said Lavender.
What happened to your wee companion? asked Rabbie. The wee pebble wi' the tulip on his head?
Wee pebble? said Lavender Oh you mean Baby Pierre? He'll be still in the Library with Ageless. I wanted to beat them to Henley and be the first one to find the Jellyfish.
Baby Pierre, said Rabbie. Is he your boyfriend?
No! said Lavender. He's my sort-of cousin. And Ageless is his yes-no-probably daddy.
Yes-no-probably! said Rabbie. He sounds a bit like me.
I thought you might be his daddy, said Lavender, but now I'm thinking that you might be mine.
No, I'm not your daddy, nor his, said Rabbie, but I do admit to bein' the yes-no-probable daddy of a lot o' wee bairns in ma time.
That's called Reproduction, said Lavender. And if you're truly immortal you ought to get younger now.
That's only for jellyfish, lassie, said Rabbie. But oh how I did love the ladies. I wrote some fair bonny poems about 'em.
Did you? said Lavender, without interest.
Aye, I did, said Rabbie. My Love is like a Red Red Rose, that's newly sprung in June.... that's one of ma best.
Vom! said Lavender.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Late Night Philosophical Bus Stop Conversations
Rabbie and Lavender were waiting for a bus to take them to Henley. It was late at night so they had been waiting for a long time.
Can I ask ye somethin' lassie? asked Rabbie. Why d'ye want to go to Henley?
I'm looking for the Mortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Or the Immortal Jellyfish, I can never remember which.
'Tis my guess ye're lookin' for the Immortal Jellyfish, said Rabbie. Nobody wud want to waste their time on the other sort. I've been both Mortal and Immortal, so I should know.
Have you? said Lavender, impressed. That means you died.
Aye, indeed it does, said Rabbie. At the tender age of 37, I died after a tooth extraction, in 1796.
Cool, said Lavender. So how did you get to be immortal?
I'm a bard, said Rabbie. Ma poems made me immortal.
Oh, said Lavender, losing interest.
I wudna be surprised to find that ye're immortal too, said Rabbie. Ye bein' a kind of a fossilly wee shelly thing.
That's not me, said Lavender stiffly.
What's you then? said Rabbie.
The space where the shelly thing used to be, said Lavender.
A pretty idea, said Rabbie. I like ye better for it.
A thought struck Lavender.
I wonder what's in the space where you used to be? she said.
Why nothin' ye daft wee lassie, said Rabbie. I'm right here. I guarantee it.
No, said Lavender, there'll be something there. And not just your boots. I guarantee it.
D'ye have the second sight now? said Rabbie.
I'm an auger, said Lavender.
Where's this devil of a bus then? said Rabbie Burns, shifting on his stumps.
Can I ask ye somethin' lassie? asked Rabbie. Why d'ye want to go to Henley?
I'm looking for the Mortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Or the Immortal Jellyfish, I can never remember which.
'Tis my guess ye're lookin' for the Immortal Jellyfish, said Rabbie. Nobody wud want to waste their time on the other sort. I've been both Mortal and Immortal, so I should know.
Have you? said Lavender, impressed. That means you died.
Aye, indeed it does, said Rabbie. At the tender age of 37, I died after a tooth extraction, in 1796.
Cool, said Lavender. So how did you get to be immortal?
I'm a bard, said Rabbie. Ma poems made me immortal.
Oh, said Lavender, losing interest.
I wudna be surprised to find that ye're immortal too, said Rabbie. Ye bein' a kind of a fossilly wee shelly thing.
That's not me, said Lavender stiffly.
What's you then? said Rabbie.
The space where the shelly thing used to be, said Lavender.
A pretty idea, said Rabbie. I like ye better for it.
A thought struck Lavender.
I wonder what's in the space where you used to be? she said.
Why nothin' ye daft wee lassie, said Rabbie. I'm right here. I guarantee it.
No, said Lavender, there'll be something there. And not just your boots. I guarantee it.
D'ye have the second sight now? said Rabbie.
I'm an auger, said Lavender.
Where's this devil of a bus then? said Rabbie Burns, shifting on his stumps.
In a Hurry
Come on! said Baby Pierre. Pack your book and your biscuits and let's get going. You promised we'd set off this morning.
What? said Ageless. Yes, yes. Give me a minute. What was it now? Ahh, Lavender is missing that's what. We should look for her first.
No we shouldn't, said Baby Pierre. We should get on the road. This is our quest, not hers.
Bad boy, said Ageless. What will Kobo say if you lose your cousin?
She won't even notice, said Baby Pierre.
He went to the window and looked out.
Whoooo! he said.
What now? said Ageless testily.
That statue! said Baby Pierre. The Frenchman. Robert something. It's gone. Or nearly gone. There's only his boots!
Scotsman, said Ageless. There is a difference. Only his boots, you say? Well let's hope young Lavender had nothing to do with it. Alright, I'm ready, let's go.
Hurrah! said Baby Pierre.
And together they set off on their quest.
.....
To find out what happened to Robert Burns we must now go back to the previous evening. After Lavender had left him, he had felt somewhat useless.
Why shouldn't I go with her to Henley? he asked himself. I may be made o' stone, but so is she.
And with a tremendous effort he wrenched himself out of his stone boots.
It took him quite some time to catch up with Lavender.
Rabbie! What happened to your legs? she cried.
Och lassie, said Rabbie. I was unmindful that I had no legs to speak of below ma knees. 'Tis uncomfortable let me tell ye.
Lavender made a sympathetic face, but secretly she felt elated. She was the cause of Rabbie being painfully shortened. She was as dangerous as Ageless!
Are you coming with me to Henley, Rabbie? she said.
Aye, that I am, said Rabbie. But 'twill be a slow journey with these legs o' mine.
Oh no it won't, said Lavender. We've got to get there before the others. Just grit your teeth and hurry up. Which way do we go?
What? said Ageless. Yes, yes. Give me a minute. What was it now? Ahh, Lavender is missing that's what. We should look for her first.
No we shouldn't, said Baby Pierre. We should get on the road. This is our quest, not hers.
Bad boy, said Ageless. What will Kobo say if you lose your cousin?
She won't even notice, said Baby Pierre.
He went to the window and looked out.
Whoooo! he said.
What now? said Ageless testily.
That statue! said Baby Pierre. The Frenchman. Robert something. It's gone. Or nearly gone. There's only his boots!
Scotsman, said Ageless. There is a difference. Only his boots, you say? Well let's hope young Lavender had nothing to do with it. Alright, I'm ready, let's go.
Hurrah! said Baby Pierre.
And together they set off on their quest.
.....
To find out what happened to Robert Burns we must now go back to the previous evening. After Lavender had left him, he had felt somewhat useless.
Why shouldn't I go with her to Henley? he asked himself. I may be made o' stone, but so is she.
And with a tremendous effort he wrenched himself out of his stone boots.
It took him quite some time to catch up with Lavender.
Rabbie! What happened to your legs? she cried.
Och lassie, said Rabbie. I was unmindful that I had no legs to speak of below ma knees. 'Tis uncomfortable let me tell ye.
Lavender made a sympathetic face, but secretly she felt elated. She was the cause of Rabbie being painfully shortened. She was as dangerous as Ageless!
Are you coming with me to Henley, Rabbie? she said.
Aye, that I am, said Rabbie. But 'twill be a slow journey with these legs o' mine.
Oh no it won't, said Lavender. We've got to get there before the others. Just grit your teeth and hurry up. Which way do we go?
Friday, August 5, 2011
Not French, Not a Rabbit
Where can she be? said Ageless.
Who knows? said Baby Pierre. Perhaps she's decided to go to Henley tonight.
Would she do that? asked Ageless.
She would do anything, said Baby Pierre, if she felt like it.
She'll get lost, said Ageless. She won't know the way.
Her nose'll point her in the right direction, said Baby Pierre.
Is that her nose? said Ageless, surprised. The pointy end? I imagined it was the opposite.
Well, I say that, said Baby Pierre, but now you point it out....
Hee hee, laughed Ageless. Point it out! That's funny. Now, let's get some shut-eye. We'll find Lavender tomorrow.
.....
Meanwhile Lavender had sneaked out of the library and stopped at the foot of the statue of Robert Burns while she decided on a direction.
Hello, wee lassie, said Robert Burns. Where are ye off to, this chilly night?
Are you French? asked Lavender.
Noo lassie, I'm a Scot, said Robert Burns. They call me Rabbie.
You're a rabbit, said Lavender, uncertainly.
Silly wee girl, said Rabbie.
I'm going to Henley, said Lavender. Can you tell me the way? In English preferably.
Ye go west, said Rabbie. But 'tis a lang way.
How about showing me? said Lavender. I can't understand a word you say.
Noo lassie, I cannae show ye. I'm made o' stone.
Sheesh, said Lavender, and wandered off towards North Terrace, in the dark.
.....
Next morning, Ageless was woken by Baby Pierre, who hadn't slept a wink.
Happy Birthday Ageless, said Baby Pierre. You're two hundred and ninety one today. Get up.
Grrrrr,,,,,,click click,,,,,whaaat???? grumbled Ageless.
Who knows? said Baby Pierre. Perhaps she's decided to go to Henley tonight.
Would she do that? asked Ageless.
She would do anything, said Baby Pierre, if she felt like it.
She'll get lost, said Ageless. She won't know the way.
Her nose'll point her in the right direction, said Baby Pierre.
Is that her nose? said Ageless, surprised. The pointy end? I imagined it was the opposite.
Well, I say that, said Baby Pierre, but now you point it out....
Hee hee, laughed Ageless. Point it out! That's funny. Now, let's get some shut-eye. We'll find Lavender tomorrow.
.....
Meanwhile Lavender had sneaked out of the library and stopped at the foot of the statue of Robert Burns while she decided on a direction.
Hello, wee lassie, said Robert Burns. Where are ye off to, this chilly night?
Are you French? asked Lavender.
Noo lassie, I'm a Scot, said Robert Burns. They call me Rabbie.
You're a rabbit, said Lavender, uncertainly.
Silly wee girl, said Rabbie.
I'm going to Henley, said Lavender. Can you tell me the way? In English preferably.
Ye go west, said Rabbie. But 'tis a lang way.
How about showing me? said Lavender. I can't understand a word you say.
Noo lassie, I cannae show ye. I'm made o' stone.
Sheesh, said Lavender, and wandered off towards North Terrace, in the dark.
.....
Next morning, Ageless was woken by Baby Pierre, who hadn't slept a wink.
Happy Birthday Ageless, said Baby Pierre. You're two hundred and ninety one today. Get up.
Grrrrr,,,,,,click click,,,,,whaaat???? grumbled Ageless.
Sand and Yam Biscuits
So, said Lavender. When are we going to start looking for the Mortal Jellyfish?
It's the Immortal Jellyfish, said Baby Pierre. IM-mortal. That means it doesn't die. If it was a Mortal Jellyfish it would be just like all the other jellyfish.
Alright, the Immortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Same difference. When?
Tomorrow morning, said Ageless. We'll go to Henley. Tonight we're going back to the library. We can stay there overnight. There are some things I want to take with me and ....
You talk like an old person, said Lavender. How old are you?
Two hundred and ninety, said Ageless. It's my birthday tomorrow.
Lavender looked at Baby Pierre, who looked shocked.
We're older than you then, said Baby Pierre. How come you seem older?
Because I'm more dangerous, said Ageless.
Yes, you are dangerous, said Baby Pierre, thinking of Frog.
Let's go, said Ageless. Soon the library will close.
They hurried back to North Terrace. Lavender couldn't help thinking about what Ageless had said. She wanted to be dangerous too. But she couldn't think of anything dangerous to do.
They were soon in the reading room at the library. Ageless shuffled around gathering books and tins of biscuits, and then discarding them only to pick them up again.
Which book? he muttered. Which tin?
Baby Pierre grew impatient.
Take the book about Sand, he said, and the tin of Yam bicuits.
Alright, said Ageless. Sorted. Now let's get some sleep.
Baby Pierre wasn't used to sleeping, but he decided to give it a try.
Now Lavender, said Ageless, you can sleep....hey! where's she gone?
But it seemed that Lavender had vanished.
It's the Immortal Jellyfish, said Baby Pierre. IM-mortal. That means it doesn't die. If it was a Mortal Jellyfish it would be just like all the other jellyfish.
Alright, the Immortal Jellyfish, said Lavender. Same difference. When?
Tomorrow morning, said Ageless. We'll go to Henley. Tonight we're going back to the library. We can stay there overnight. There are some things I want to take with me and ....
You talk like an old person, said Lavender. How old are you?
Two hundred and ninety, said Ageless. It's my birthday tomorrow.
Lavender looked at Baby Pierre, who looked shocked.
We're older than you then, said Baby Pierre. How come you seem older?
Because I'm more dangerous, said Ageless.
Yes, you are dangerous, said Baby Pierre, thinking of Frog.
Let's go, said Ageless. Soon the library will close.
They hurried back to North Terrace. Lavender couldn't help thinking about what Ageless had said. She wanted to be dangerous too. But she couldn't think of anything dangerous to do.
They were soon in the reading room at the library. Ageless shuffled around gathering books and tins of biscuits, and then discarding them only to pick them up again.
Which book? he muttered. Which tin?
Baby Pierre grew impatient.
Take the book about Sand, he said, and the tin of Yam bicuits.
Alright, said Ageless. Sorted. Now let's get some sleep.
Baby Pierre wasn't used to sleeping, but he decided to give it a try.
Now Lavender, said Ageless, you can sleep....hey! where's she gone?
But it seemed that Lavender had vanished.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Understanding Ethics
By the time they were walking down the Town Hall staircase Lavender had regained her composure.
That was horrible, she said, everyone was horrible, why did we have to go there?
I told you, said Ageless. I am interested in ethical and health issues.
Why? asked Lavender.
Baby Pierre wanted to kick her. Mainly because it was what he had wanted to ask.
Because, said Ageless, we have an aging population in this country.
But you're a lobster, said Lavender. So you don't care. None of us should care.
You don't understand ethics, said Ageless. Ethics is thinking about those who are different from you.
Like Frog, said Baby Pierre.
Ah yes, like young Frog, said Ageless. How is Frog by the way? I was wondering why he didn't come with you.
Baby Pierre couldn't believe it.
You don't remember? he spluttered. You dropped on him from a window ledge and killed him, on purpose.
Ageless looked shifty.
Did I? he said. Dear me. He was a plucky little tomato. But his time had come.
He was my best friend, said Baby Pierre.
Lavender giggled.
You don't understand ethics either, she said.
That was horrible, she said, everyone was horrible, why did we have to go there?
I told you, said Ageless. I am interested in ethical and health issues.
Why? asked Lavender.
Baby Pierre wanted to kick her. Mainly because it was what he had wanted to ask.
Because, said Ageless, we have an aging population in this country.
But you're a lobster, said Lavender. So you don't care. None of us should care.
You don't understand ethics, said Ageless. Ethics is thinking about those who are different from you.
Like Frog, said Baby Pierre.
Ah yes, like young Frog, said Ageless. How is Frog by the way? I was wondering why he didn't come with you.
Baby Pierre couldn't believe it.
You don't remember? he spluttered. You dropped on him from a window ledge and killed him, on purpose.
Ageless looked shifty.
Did I? he said. Dear me. He was a plucky little tomato. But his time had come.
He was my best friend, said Baby Pierre.
Lavender giggled.
You don't understand ethics either, she said.
Ethical Conundrums
Professor Buchan spoke about the ethical problems in securing enough healthworkers for a community. If there were not enough,it may well be unethical to poach them from somewhere else. On the other hand,it was certainly unethical to prevent health workers from going wherever they wished.
Fascinating, said Ageless under his breath. I do like ethical conundrums.
Baby Pierre was puzzled. Why did Ageless care about such things? Had he forgotten that he was a lobster, and would never grow old?
Doctor Lavender stood up.
Next year, he said, Australia will produce 2945 domestic medical graduates, of which South Australia will produce 285. It is not nearly enough.
He can tell the future, whispered Lavender. When it's over, I'm going to ask him a question.
Baby Pierre wondered what her question would be. Surely she wouldn't ask him if he was her daddy?
At the end of the speeches, questions were invited from the audience. Lavender went up to the microphone.
My question is for Doctor Lavender, she said loudly. Doctor Lavender, are you my daddy?
Doctor Lavender looked as though he was not often asked this question.
No, he said. And I consider that an inappropriate question.
My name is Lavender, said Lavender, and I can tell the future just like you. I absolutely definitely know you are going to be my daddy.
No, I am not, said Doctor Lavender. If you can tell the future, you ought to know that.
It's you who can't properly tell the future, said Lavender, her voice rising. I guess there won't be 2945 doctors next year after all.
Everyone laughed.
Lavender burst into tears.
Baby Pierre couldn't stand it.
Lavender, he said. You are a PAIN!
Are there any other questions? asked Doctor Lavender.
Fascinating, said Ageless under his breath. I do like ethical conundrums.
Baby Pierre was puzzled. Why did Ageless care about such things? Had he forgotten that he was a lobster, and would never grow old?
Doctor Lavender stood up.
Next year, he said, Australia will produce 2945 domestic medical graduates, of which South Australia will produce 285. It is not nearly enough.
He can tell the future, whispered Lavender. When it's over, I'm going to ask him a question.
Baby Pierre wondered what her question would be. Surely she wouldn't ask him if he was her daddy?
At the end of the speeches, questions were invited from the audience. Lavender went up to the microphone.
My question is for Doctor Lavender, she said loudly. Doctor Lavender, are you my daddy?
Doctor Lavender looked as though he was not often asked this question.
No, he said. And I consider that an inappropriate question.
My name is Lavender, said Lavender, and I can tell the future just like you. I absolutely definitely know you are going to be my daddy.
No, I am not, said Doctor Lavender. If you can tell the future, you ought to know that.
It's you who can't properly tell the future, said Lavender, her voice rising. I guess there won't be 2945 doctors next year after all.
Everyone laughed.
Lavender burst into tears.
Baby Pierre couldn't stand it.
Lavender, he said. You are a PAIN!
Are there any other questions? asked Doctor Lavender.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Doctor Lavender
Lavender now believed that she could tell the future.
The Town Hall is this way, she said. Am I right?
You are right, said Ageless. Though no doubt it's a fluke.
What are we going to, exactly? asked Baby Pierre.
A forum on ethical health issues, said Ageless. I'm interested in ethical health issues.
Baby Pierre wondered why, but didn't like to ask.
They reached the Town Hall at half past five, and went up the grand staircase.
Something's going to happen, said Lavender, importantly.
What? asked Baby Pierre. What's going to happen?
You'll see, said Lavender.
They sat down in the second row from the front, and looked around. Behind the stage was a beautiful organ, topped with carved golden angels and miniature harps. There were giant chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and marble columns built into the walls on either side.
Wow! It's like heaven, said Lavender.
No it's not, said Baby Pierre. There's no such place.
Yes there is, said Lavender. And this is like it.
Hush, said Ageless.
The Forum was starting. A man introduced the speakers, Professor Buchan, Doctor Lavender, and Professor McCutcheon.
The one in the middle's Doctor Lavender, whispered Lavender. I told you something would happen. He'll be my daddy.
He will not be your daddy! hissed Baby Pierre. You just shut up!
The Town Hall is this way, she said. Am I right?
You are right, said Ageless. Though no doubt it's a fluke.
What are we going to, exactly? asked Baby Pierre.
A forum on ethical health issues, said Ageless. I'm interested in ethical health issues.
Baby Pierre wondered why, but didn't like to ask.
They reached the Town Hall at half past five, and went up the grand staircase.
Something's going to happen, said Lavender, importantly.
What? asked Baby Pierre. What's going to happen?
You'll see, said Lavender.
They sat down in the second row from the front, and looked around. Behind the stage was a beautiful organ, topped with carved golden angels and miniature harps. There were giant chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and marble columns built into the walls on either side.
Wow! It's like heaven, said Lavender.
No it's not, said Baby Pierre. There's no such place.
Yes there is, said Lavender. And this is like it.
Hush, said Ageless.
The Forum was starting. A man introduced the speakers, Professor Buchan, Doctor Lavender, and Professor McCutcheon.
The one in the middle's Doctor Lavender, whispered Lavender. I told you something would happen. He'll be my daddy.
He will not be your daddy! hissed Baby Pierre. You just shut up!
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