City of Stone

It wasn't long before Margaret noticed Baby Pierre in her carry-on luggage. I don't remember packing a stone, she remarked. Let me see it, said Gaius. Hello! It's Baby Pierre! What are you doing in Margaret's bag? Stowing away, said Baby Pierre. And reading Joyce's Portrait of the Artist. How are you finding it? asked Margaret. Good, said Baby Pierre. I like the part where he gets knocked over by a bully at school and his glasses get broken on the cinder path. Are cinders stones? Not exactly, said Margaret, who was a field geologist. But they are very hard. I suppose you are fond of stories that include stones? Yes I am, said Baby Pierre. Hey, how long is this flight? I'm bored Twenty three hours, in total, said Gaius. Try and get some sleep. Stones don't sleep, said Baby Pierre. ........ Twenty three hours later they arrived at Charles de Gaulle Airport, in Paris. It was six o'clock in the morning. They caught the Metro into St Germain and found their hotel. Baby Pierre immediately decided to go exploring. The streets were cobbled in many areas. Cobbles! said Baby Pierre. I love cobbles. He hopped from cobblestone to cobblestone. Soon he found himself outside the old stone church of St Germain. He went in. There was heavenly music pouring down from somewhere above his head, and several people were sitting listening, on straw bottomed seats,. Baby Pierre wandered round the church looking at the different chapels, with their stone statues. He stopped in front of a statue of a smiling virgin. She was not all there. She was in three parts, and had been found buried under the earth during excavations for a carpark. She had a smiling face, a shoulder covered with drapery, and something indistinguishable in the crook of her one arm. Baby Pierre wondered what it was. He walked down the other side of the church, where he saw on the walls, above a painting of Palm Sunday, the words LAPIDES CLAMABUNT. A shiver went through Baby Pierre. He had a feeling the words were important. He must ask Gaius what they meant.

A Room of His Own

Baby Pierre jumped into Margaret's carry-on bag. Just like that. He had no need of luggage.

Don't forget to take something to read! called Aunty Kobo, from the window sill.

Too late.

Baby Pierre looked around. A violet light shone through the canvas sides of the bag, on which he could just make out, back to front, the printed words A Room Of One's Own.

A room of my own, said Baby Pierre. Lucky me. Now what's in the room?

There were two bananas in the room.

Hi! said Baby Pierre. I'm Baby Pierre. Are you going to France?

Pfff! said the first banana. We'll be lucky if we get on the plane.

Yeah, said the second banana. We reckon we're lunch.

Sorry for asking, said Baby Pierre.

That's alright, said the first banana.

We can see you're not part of the food chain, added the second.

Are you fond of reading? asked the first banana.

Yes and no, said Baby Pierre.

I heard someone saying that you should take something to read, said the first banana.

That was Kobo, said Baby Pierre. She'll be cross that I didn't. I should have grabbed something to read on the plane.

Then you're in luck, said the first banana. There are three books in here.

Great, said Baby Pierre, but with no great enthusiasm.

He looked at the books.

300 Fiendish Sudoku Puzzles, he read. Kobo wouldn't like that. A blank diary. Can't read that. And Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, by James Joyce. Cool, that's for me!

He opened the book. Once upon a time there was a moo cow coming down along the road......and he met a nice little boy and the name of the little boy was baby tuckoo....

Wow, said Baby Pierre. I thought James Joyce was supposed to be hard.

Just Watch Baby Pierre

Gaius was pleased with his Smart Phone. He was playing around with it, downloading train timetables and French dictionaries, when Margaret arrived.

Guess what I've got, she said.

What? asked Gaius.

A Tablet, said Margaret. It can do everything.

A magic pill! said Gaius. Let me see!

No, silly, said Margaret, it's a new Android Tablet, I can use it for Facebook and Blogger and emails and downloading music and it even functions as a metal detector.

I don't believe it, said Gaius. Not about the metal detector.

We shall see, said Margaret. I hope it does. I like metal detecting. I shall go metal detecting in the Pyrenees.

So shall I, said Gaius.

But first, said Margaret, I'm looking forward to Paris.

I know, said Gaius. But you know I'm not keen on Paris.

Nonsense, you'll love it, said Margaret. Have you packed some smart clothes?

No, I haven't said Gaius. I don't have smart clothes.

Just as long as you don't pack those green clogs, said Margaret.

Gaius said nothing to this.

Baby Pierre was listening from his spot on the window sill.

They're going to Paris, he thought. And they're not even French.

He turned to his mummy, Pierre.

They're going to France, said Baby Pierre. It's not fair.

Many things in this life are not fair, said his mummy.

I'm going with them, said  Baby Pierre. I deserve to. I'm French.

You're not French, said his mummy. You're millions of years old. And you're not invited. But don't let that stop you.

I won't! said Baby Pierre. Just watch me.

Two Pyrenees

I wonder how old William was when he died, said Le Bon David, sipping his latte.

You mean William of the Symphony for William? asked Freud, toying with his expresso.

Yes, that William, said David. Do you suppose he was a baby? That would have been sad. But the music didn't strike me as sad.

I imagine he was an adult, said Freud. The three movements were named Will-o'-the-Wisp, Sweet William and Will Power.

Those are qualities of babies, said David.

Are they? said Freud. Yes, I suppose they are, but they are also qualities of adults.

So we're none the wiser, said David. Would you like another expresso?

No thanks, said Freud, getting out his Smart Phone. Mustn't have too much caffeine. Here, let me google this William.... William Reynish he must have been called...

David was impressed. Freud had read the program notes with more care than he had.

Died in the Pyrenees, said Freud. In 2002. Look here's a photo.

It was a photo of a young dad with a baby in a pouch. The baby was wearing a white knitted hat. Both he and his father looked happy.

Which one is William? asked David.

The baby, said Freud, but the photo is old. Here's a picture of the father as he is now.

So William grew up, said Le Bon David. And then died in the Pyrenees. And his parents commissioned a symphony.

Not just one, said Freud. Look at this list.

What a lot of meaningful music! said David. I say, these Smart Phones are good. Shall we go? I want to buy a going away present for Gaius and Margaret. Perhaps I'll get them a Smart Phone.

Why, where are they going? asked Freud.

They're going to France, said Le Bon David. Margaret won the trip as a prize. A trip for two. And she invited Gaius. They'll be getting around on bicycles and trains. Starting in Paris, then down through the Pyrenees.

Yes, get them a Smart Phone, said Freud. They're bound to get lost.

The Cleverness of Musical Jokes

How happy is Professor Freud. It is a beautiful morning. He is walking into the city with his friend, Le Bon David, through autumnal streets, lit by red and gold leaves. They carry a picnic lunch in a bag. Belle et Bonne made the picnic. You cannot expect philosophers to think of everything.

They arrive at North Terrace and sit down on a bench outside Bonython Hall. And what's in the picnic? Chicken and lettuce sandwiches, grapes and fresh pineapple. They eat, and observe modern students using their phones. 

Now it is time for the concert. They go into the Elder Hall and find seats near the middle. The Wind Orchestra comes on to the stage. They are young. They tune up playfully.

Wind, says Le Bon David. I don't generally like it.

I like anything tuneful, says Freud.

Robert Hower comes on and the concert begins. They play a serenade, a spiritual and a celebration. They play a symphony for William, who has apparently died. They play a tune with dense and radiant harmonies, and a resonance that ends up like birds. Finally they play Ives' Country Band March, the famous one with all the bum notes.

It's over. The audience applauds. They file out.

Ahh, says Le Bon David, music. I don't think I get it.

What's to get? asks Freud. It's just notes.

But they're supposed to mean something, says Le Bon David. And I never know what.

You must have known in that last one, says Freud, It was a country band, going haywire.

Yes, I did, I suppose, but I don't see the point of deliberately playing badly, says Le Bon David.

It's a musical joke, says Freud. A MUSICAL JOKE, David. Of which there are many.

I have never got one, says David. Tell me just one that is funny.

They aren't funny, says Freud. They are CLEVER.

Stop using CAPITALS, says David.

That's what they do, says Freud. But not always. Not today.

Ahh, says David. Not today. Would you like a coffee?

Yes, says Freud.  Where shall we go?

Doing Nothing for Israel and Palestine

Another night, another lecture to attend. 'Paths to a Just Peace for Palestine and Israel'. Professor Freud was enjoying himself.

The Velodrone and Le Bon David met him outside the Hawke Centre. They were two minutes late, so they all had to sit up at the back.

There was a security guard on the door, and an unattended bag on a reserved corner seat.

Look at that! whispered Le Bon David. A bomb!

Keep calm, David, whispered The Velodrone. 

Freud looked at the bag. It looked like the bag of a well-meaning woman, he thought. Nothing to worry about there. But the man in the yarmulka? And the man in the red baseball cap? Could be some trouble ahead....

The moderator, Dr Lynn Arnold, introduced the two guests. They were Izzat Abdulhadi, Head of the Delegation of Palestine to Australia, and Meir Itzahaki, Deputy Chief of Mission, Embassy of Israel to Australia. They had met in the past and discussed peace before.

They explained, as well as they could, the inexplicably insoluble with frankness, sophistry and circularity.

Then it was question time.

Someone asked about settlements.

That depends what you mean by settlements, said Meir.

A section of the audience exploded into giggles.

Respect for the speakers please, said Lynn Arnold sternly.

He's strict, whispered The VeloDrone, winking at Freud.

He's very strict, agreed Freud. I wonder if he knows how attractive that is?

No he doesn't, whispered Le Bon David. He's with Anglicare. Oh I say! Look at that lady down there! She's changed seats. And she's sitting right next to the bomb!

Should we do something? whispered Freud.

No, whispered The Velodrone. Nothing will happen.

Various Opinions on Intelligent Design

The following evening is Film Club night at RIAUS. The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are going. Professor Freud joins them at the bar. They buy drinks. They sit down.

The film is A Flock of Dodos, made by marine biologist Randy Olsen, examining Intelligent Design. Randy Olsen has interviewed scientists and creationists and even his own mother, whose name is Muffy Moose. Everyone in the film is presented as equally quirky.

In the end Randy Olsen sides with the scientists against the supporters of Intelligent Design. You know this, not just because he says so, but because at the end of the film he shows unreleased material in which the Intelligent Designers say things that make them look careless or wrong.

That was mean, observes The Velodrone. That bit at the end. It can hardly be called unreleased material.

Oh who cares! says Le Bon David. I'm all for for the scientists, not the believers in God.

If God did not exist, says The Velodrone, we would need to invent him.

Very good, laughs Professor Freud. Though I've heard it before.

It's mine, says The VeloDrone. I said it first. But of course, I said it in French.

It sounds even better in French, says Le Bon David. Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.

Mmmhmm, says Freud. That's strong stuff.

Not really, says The VeloDrone. When I first said it,  I was replying to some atheists. It was meant as a mild rebuke.

Good heavens! says Freud. A mild rebuke. I see you like having it both ways.

Ahem, says The Velodrone. As you wish.

And what is your opinion of the Flock of Dodos, Professor Freud? asks Le Bon David.

Freud considers a moment.

Rich pickings for a psychoanalyst, he says.

Those Intelligent Designers, you mean? says Le Bon David.

No, says Freud, I was thinking particularly of 'Randy', and his mother 'Muffy Moose'.

Food and Water For Thought

Professor Freud is attending a public lecture. He would have preferred company, but has been obliged to come on his own.

The lecture is in the Bradley Forum. The subject is Water Quality Management. It is quite well-attended.

Professor Freud sits in the third row on the side near the wall.

The lecture begins.

Professor Chris Saint is from Wales. He works for SA Water and is head microbiologist there. He explains that not all bacteria in water are bad, but many of them look alike. What to do?

He explains how he uses DNA to identify dangerous ones.

How clever, thinks Freud. That could work with people as well. But perhaps that has already been tested. I know I am out of the loop.

How pleasant it is to be again part of the intellectual community, Freud thinks to himself. He leans back in his chair and drifts off into a pleasant reverie.....

When Freud comes to, Professor Saint is explaining something important about something, perhaps blue green algae or protozoan parasites or cryptosporidium, using an egg his wife gave him for lunch. It is of course smaller than this, says the professor. But when it pops open there are four very unpleasant things inside. He puts the egg down on his desk......

What sort of a man doesn't eat the egg provided to him by his own wife for lunch? thinks Freud. If my wife had given me an egg and I had not eaten it there would have been an incident. I presume it is hardboiled, perhaps he will eat it  before he goes home. Then she will never find out......

Suddenly the egg begins to roll towards the edge of the desk behind which Professor Saint has been speaking.

The Head of  the Environment Department sitting on the front row catches it before it reaches the floor, and places it gently on the empty seat beside him.

At the end of the lecture, there are questions.

But Freud does not ask his.

Then there are nibbles and drinks. Three different cheeses, blue green ...cryptosporidium....and brie.

Freud tries a fig, and a nut.

Some Things Change Some Stay the Same

It is Tuesday. Sweezus is at the dentist. Johanna is looking into his mouth.

Did you have a nice Easter? asks Johanna.

Ahh ah, says Sweezus.

Does this hurt? asks Johanna. She hits three of his teeth with a hammer.

Nhh nhh, says Sweezus.

That's a good sign, says Johanna. But I'll just take an xray.

Sweezus frowns. Johanna ignores the import of the frown. She takes the xray. You need a filling, she says.

Sweezus lies back in the chair while Johanna drills into his tooth.

Shwnnnggbrrrrr! It hurts.

Sweezus thinks about Easter, to take his mind off the pain. Easter was good. He'd slept between Marie and Belle et Bonne. He'd impressed one of the twins as a philosopher. He'd done a good deed. And given advice to a famous professor. He wonders if Freud will take it.

...........

Freud is taking it. He closes up the meatworks. He says goodbye to the twins.

What are WE supposed to do? grumbles Irma. The school holidays aren't over yet.

Freud considers a moment. He's going to miss those cocky twins.

Come with me then, says Freud. I'm going to the city. Ask your parents. You can come for a week. I'll take you to  a few science lectures, it will be most educational. And we can go to a lunchtime concert at the university on Friday.

Eeuw, said Emma.

No way, said Irma.

Alright then, said Freud. Goodbye twins.

...........

Spit, says Johanna.

Sweezus spits.

He wonders how he will ever pay the bill.

.........

Belle et Bonne and Marie arrive back at the office to hear of a wonderful turn of events.

Guess what! says Le Bon David. Margaret has won a prize in a competition. She and Gaius are going to France!

Fatherly

Let us now speed things up a little.

It is Sunday morning. The four girls are playing Paintball. They are playing it without the guns.

They throw paintballs at one another from behind barrels.

Let's play it without the paintballs as well, suggests Belle et Bonne. It'll be so much less messy.

Yes, let's, says Irma, who loves Belle et Bonne, for guessing wrongly that she was fourteen.

They play Paintball without the guns and the paintballs.

Ridiculous! says Professor Freud, observing from the sidelines with Sweezus. They've turned it into a game of hide and seek.

Sweezus and Professor Freud have been chatting. They have something in common. 

I hear you're not fond of Easter, said Freud. That's interesting. Neither am I.

Yeah, right, says Sweezus. I'll be glad when it's over.

Do you want to know why I don't like it? asks Freud.

You're Jewish, says Sweezus. Like I used to be.

That's why I don't care for it, says Freud. Not why I don't like it. I don't like it because it's too quiet.

I don't like it because it's too mental, says Sweezus.

Freud's ears prick up.

Tell me about it, he says. Is it something to do with your....father?

No way, says Sweezus. It's something to do with me.

No, no, says Freud. It will be something to do with your father.

Dream on, professor, says Sweezus. Do you know what you need?

No, said  Professor Freud, heavily. What do I need?

To get out of the meatworks, says Sweezus. Get away from this crap Paintball business. Forget the Laws of Motion. Come back to town. Get involved with some new ideas. Go to free public lectures. That's what we do. Well, not me.  I'm a writer. But you could go with the girls. And The VeloDrone, and Le Bon David, your friends.

And now Freud becomes very excited.

The Kindneth of Sweezus

Are you sure it's bleeding, Professor Freud? asked Belle et Bonne.

I think I thould know, said Professor Freud, trying keep his teeth closed. Path me a handkerchief, thomeone.

But no one had a handkerchief. They were all much too young.

I may have a tissue, said Marie. Oh yes, here's one, but it's been used in one corner.

Professor Freud looked alarmed. He waved his blood-streaked vanilla ice cream in the air helplessly.

Let me take that, said Sweezus.

He examined the icecream.

That's not blood, Professor Freud, said Sweezus. It's blood orange.

I think I thould know what it ith, said Freud. Get me a mirror, at leatht!

Come over the road to the toilets, said Sweezus. There'll be a mirror in there.

There were new public toilets on the esplanade opposite the Ripple and Swirl. They were decorated outside with colourful mosaics of mermaids. The sort of toilets that might have a mirror inside.

Sweezus led the ailing Professor over the road and into the Men's.

There was a mirror of sorts. A metal one. Polished. But not very reflective.

It's not that reflective said Sweezus, apologetically.

It'th not your fault, said Professor Freud. He looked in the mirror and stuck out his tongue.

It'th thtopped bleeding, he remarked.

It never was bleeding, said Sweezus.

Well, thankth for your kindneth, said the professor.

You can stop talking like that now, said Sweezus. And you're welcome. I'm not usually the one who is kind.
There must be something about you.

And about you, said Professor Freud. There is something....

A man came out of one of the cubicles.

Sweezus and Freud hurried back to the Ripple and Swirl.

Professor Freud Tries Blood Orange Gelati

Professor Freud thought we were spying, said Belle et Bonne, licking her vivid blood orange gelato. Because he's changed the splatter rule.

Well, I think it's stupid, said Sweezus, licking his blood orange gelato.  It makes the whole game far too short.

The girls claim to like it like that, said Professor Freud.

He licked his vanilla ice cream.

We weren't spying, said Sweezus. We're down here on holiday, that's all.

So are we, said Irma, There's no school for ages.

How old are you twins? asked Marie.

Guess, said Emma, licking her gelato, with her bright orange tongue.

Fourteen? guessed Belle et Bonne, though they really looked twelve,

The twins beamed.

We're twelve, said Irma.

Wow, said Belle et Bonne. You look older.

No, they don't, said Professor Freud. They're just children. Emma let me try your blood orange gelato.

No, said Emma. I've nearly finished it. Try hers.

Freud licked Irma's orange gelato. Then he licked his vanilla icecream.

Hmm, he said. It's too sweet. I prefer my vanilla.

He looked at his vanilla icecream, then he froze.

Achhh! he cried. Help me! My tongue's bleeding!

The Spanking

Why are we here? said Marie. We're just here for a visit. Do you suspect us of something?

Spying, said Professor Freud. I suspect you of spying. I've expected this ever since I changed the splatter rule.

No, no! said Belle et Bonne. We're okay with your new splatter rule. It's good. It gets the game over quickly.

Then it's to do with that Sweezus, said Freud. You think he needs psychoanalysis.

No, he just doesn't like Easter, said Marie. So we went to a film, and then brought him up here to play Paintball.

Aha! said Professor Freud. That sounds perfectly normal. No one likes Easter. It rains, the shops are shut, it is always interminably dull.... A film you say? What did you see?

Oh, nothing, said Belle et Bonne. Oh dear. Well I suppose we'd better tell you. It was a film called A Dangerous Method.

And what's that about? asked Professor Freud.

You don't know, Professor? said Marie. It's about you, and Carl Jung, and how you split up.

Good gracious, said Professor Freud. They made a film about that? Who played me?

Viggo Mortensen, said Marie. Are you pleased?

Never heard of him, said Professor Freud. And were there any ladies in this film?

Yes, said Belle et Bonne. Keira Knightley. She played Sabina Spielrein. She had an affair with Jung. He spanked her bottom.

That's news to me, said Professor Freud. Not about the affair, but the spanking. Well, well. Is there anything else I should know?

You should give up smoking cigars, said Belle et Bonne firmly. You die of throat cancer you know.

Here's your icecream, Professor Freud, said Irma, coming back from the counter. It's vanilla.

I've already given up smoking, said Freud. To die once is a tragedy. To die twice is mere carelessness. Thank you, Irma. I do like vanilla.

Sweezus came over to the table with Emma, and five garish blood orange gelatis.

How cool are these! Blood orange! Have I missed anything? he asked, sitting down.

Why Are You Here?

I hope Emma's alright, said Marie

Yes, maybe she's too afraid to come out, said Belle et Bonne. I'll just take a peek.

Splatt! Emma scored a direct hit on Belle et Bonne.

Belle, dear! said Marie, reaching out to pull her back.

Splatt! Emma scored a direct hit on Marie. 

Good work Emma! said Professor Freud, from behind his barrel. Now it's just you and me.

Splatt! Emma had raced around behind Professor Freud's barrel and shot him in the back.

Game over.

I told you we'd win, said Irma.

I don't call that winning, said Sweezus. The game was too short. The rules were changed. It was rigged.

That's how Professor Freud likes it, said Irma. Especially when people aren't paying.

We would have paid, said Sweezus.

No, friends don't pay, said Irma. At least not for the game. But they usually pay for the icecreams.

Icecreams all round! cried Professor Freud jovially. And you people can pay! Let's go to the Ripple and Swirl.

They all changed out of their paint-splattered overalls and rode their bicycles down to the Ripple and Swirl.

Sweezus took the twins over to the counter to choose their icecreams.

Professor Freud leaned back in his chair and looked sternly at Marie and Belle et Bonne.

Now tell me the truth, he said. Why are you here?

Conversations in the Dead Zone

Sweezus and Irma had been sent to the Dead Zone, leaving Emma to fight on alone.

Stupid rule, muttered Sweezus. That means our team has already lost.

No, Emma will beat them, said Irma. She has a fail-safe game plan.

What is it? asked Sweezus.

You'll see, said Irma. Just wait.

They waited. Nothing happened outside of the Dead Zone.

Nothing's happening, said Sweezus, impatiently.

That's her plan, said Irma.

How much are we paying for this? asked Sweezus.

It's free, said Irma. Free for Professor Freud's friends. Last year we had Wittgenstein here. He was a philosopher. Are you a philosopher?

No, said Sweezus. I'm a writer, and a tweeter.

That's not as good as a philosopher, said Irma. Wittgenstein had a brilliant philosophy. Do you want to know what it was?

Yep, said Sweezus. What was it?

It was 'The world is everything that is the case', said Irma.

You're kidding, said Sweezus. How is that a philosophy?

He said it was the philosophy to end all philosophies, said Irma.

Hang on, said Sweezus, what about things that don't happen?

Like what? said Irma. Nothing doesn't happen.

Yes it does, said Sweezus. It's happening right now.

Irma looked impressed.

Where Splatter Counts

The twins emerged from the dilapidated building. Irma carried a bowl of Weetbix and Emma a jug of warm milk.

Where's the big wuss who wants mushy Weetbix? asked Irma.

Here, said Sweezus. Thanks. And just for the record, I'm no wuss. I've got TOOTHACHE.

Are you here to play paintball? asked Emma.

Yes we are, said Belle et Bonne.

I don't want him on my team, said Irma, pointing at Sweezus.

Nor do I, echoed Emma.

Now, now, girls, said Professor Freud, coming up behind them. There are only six of us here. He will have to be on somebody's team. We'll draw straws.

They drew straws. It was Irma, Emma and Sweezus against Marie, Belle et Bonne and Professor Freud.

Do you even know how to play? Irma asked Sweezus, as they climbed into their overalls.

Course I do, said Sweezus. Just give me the balls.

First we need our guns, tanks and hoppers, said Emma. And we must test the balls.

Why? asked Sweezus.

Some of our paintballs are old, said Emma. We drop them on concrete to see if they burst. Also, we need to show you the dead zone.

Where's the dead zone? asked Sweezus.

Over there, said Irma. And the boundaries are here, here and here.

Okay, said Sweezus. I'm ready.

They hid.

I'm going out! said Sweezus.

No wait! said Irma, attempting to pull him back.

Too late! Marie leaned out from behind a large barrel and splattered him with red paint. Irma was splattered as well.

Sweezus! said Irma. You idiot!

It's okay, said Sweezus airily. Splatter doesn't count as a hit.

Irma looked prim. That's not what Professor Freud thinks, she said.

Weetbix, Paintball and the Laws of Motion

They woke up very early. It was cold. There was nothing for breakfast but water and apples.

I can't eat an apple, said Sweezus. Not with this tooth. I need Weetbix with warm milk, nice and soft and mushy.

Well you won't get that here, said Belle et Bonne. Let's ride up to the meatworks and find Professor Freud. He'll probably give you some breakfast.

They packed up their things and rode to Old Noarlunga, then pushed on up the hill to the meatworks.

Awesome! said Sweezus, when they got to the high cyclone fence and saw the dilapidated corrugated iron buildings and a few paint-splattered overalls drying on a rope in the early morning sun.

A man came out of one of the buildings.

Welcome, people! he said.

Professor Freud! said Marie. Do you remember us? We met at the Tour de France a couple of years ago. The year you were ...umm ....disqualified.

Disqualified? Me? said Professor Freud. No, no! you are mistaken, my dear. I do remember you though, Marie. And you, Belle et Bonne. And your uncle, The Velodrone. And his good friend, Le Bon David. They are good friends of mine. But who is this young man?

This is Sweezus, said Belle et Bonne. He's a Tour rider as well. He's in Team Philosophe.

Yes, of course, said Professor Freud. An up and coming young rider. Ha ha! No, no. Pardon me.

What? said Sweezus. Pardon you why?

My double entendre, said Freud. I can't help them you know. Just ignore me. Would you like to come in and play Paintball? May I offer you breakfast at all?

Do you have any Weetbix? asked Sweezus.

I'm sure I have somewhere, said Professor Freud. I'll just ask the twins. He disappeared inside the corrugated iron building.

That wasn't a double entendre, said Sweezus. What a dickhead. And what was he disqualified for?

He was testing the Laws of Motion, said Marie. Throwing stones from a moving bicycle. He even tried to get Lance Armstrong to do it. But he wouldn't of course. Anyway, Freud was disqualified for disrupting the race. That's when he came up with Paintball. You can test the Laws of Motion in Paintball as well.

Yeah, right! said Sweezus. Brill!  But why does he want to?

I don't know, said Marie. You'll have to ask him. 

The Wisdom of Frog

You'll be cold, without that sheet, said Belle et Bonne.

No I won't. I'll get between you two, said Sweezus, wriggling in.

Goodnight then, said Marie. And try to keep still.

There was silence, except for the wind and the roar of the sea..

Should I have nicked it? asked Sweezus wistfully.

It was good that you didn't, in a way, replied Belle et Bonne. You showed you had principles.

Like Frog, said Sweezus softly.

Good old Frog, said Marie.

Whenever I'm faced with a moral dilemma, I ask myself what Frog would do, said Sweezus.

I know, so do I, said Belle et Bonne.

She thought for a while.

What would he have done? she asked.

He would never have faced that moral dilemma, said Marie. For one thing, he was a tomato. A plucky tomato, but a tomato nevertheless. And tomatoes don't need covering at night.

Yes, agreed Sweezus, but say he was with me. And I'd asked him what I should do? What do you think he'd have said?

He'd have said everything contains the seeds of its own destruction, said Belle et Bonne. Because when you think about it, that was the only wise thing he ever said. All the rest was doom and gloom about dying.

You've got it wrong, said Marie. He said everything contains the seeds of its own propagation.

You're both wrong, said Sweezus. He said HE contained the seeds of his own propagation.

Oh yes! said Belle et Bonne. That's what he said. Clever Frog. What a shame he got squashed. I wonder if any of his seeds sprouted, or whatever seeds do?

Yeah? said Sweezus. I wonder. Oh well, nighty night.

Good night Sweezie, said Belle et Bonne.

Good night you two, said Marie. Sleep well. It's Professor Freud and Paintball in the morning. 

Not Getting It

It was a long way back to Immanuel College. Luckily there was a full moon so he could see where he was going. He stopped in front of the college near the front fence. Where was this purple sheet?

He looked up. 

There were three wooden crosses and the purple sheet was wrapped around the horizontal bar of the middle one.

Shit! said Sweezus. Not exactly stealing! Blow that!

He got back on his bike and headed for the coast.

An hour later he reached the spot where the two girls were sleeping.

Marie woke up.

Did you get it? she asked sleepily.

No, said Sweezus. I wimped out. What were you girls thinking?

That we'd teach you a lesson, said Marie. A lesson about responsibility.

Responsibility! said Sweezus. What for?

For yourself, said Marie. You never remember to bring your own sleeping bag. You don't eat healthy food. You put off going to the dentist.

So you to send me off  to steal  a sheet, said Sweezus. And not just any old sheet. A school sheet.

Belle et Bonne opened her eyes.

So you didn't get it, she said.

I don't think so, said Sweezus. Was it a joke?

Riding on in the Dark

Night fell while they were still on the beach eating Turkish Delight.

Belle and I don't normally eat Turkish Delight, said Marie. But we can't let you eat it all, with your sore tooth.

No worries, said Sweezus, who was busy with his iPhone and not really listening.

What are you up to? said Belle et Bonne.

Downloading an app, said Sweezus. It's called Pump Up Pilates.

That'll keep you warm, said Marie. And you'll need it. It's too dark to go on. We'll have to sleep on the beach.

I bet he's forgotten his sleeping bag, said Belle et Bonne.

Well, he's not sharing ours, said Marie. Remember last year? He got chocolate all over everything.

The girls unrolled their sleeping bags and got in.

Sweezus looked up.

Hey! You girls have got sleeping bags. Did you bring one for me?

No, said Marie. We forgot about you.

What am I meant to do? asked Sweezus.

Pilates, said Marie. Or you could ride on in the dark.

Or you could ride back, said Belle et Bonne. Right back to Immanuel College. There was a purple sheet hanging out the front near the fence. You could get that.

You mean steal it? said Sweezus.

It wouldn't exactly be stealing, said Belle et Bonne.

No it wouldn't, said Marie. Not exactly.

They giggled and snuggled down into their bags.

Sweezus picked up his bicycle.

You girls may be sorry, he said as he pedalled away. I don't have a light on this bike.

The Consolations of Physiotherapy

Look at his face, said Belle et Bonne.

That's it. We're stopping, said Marie. Sweezus you need a dentist.

They're all shut till next Tuesday, said Sweezus.

Damn! said Marie.

They rode slowly on. They passed a sandwich board placed on the pavement outside a small shopping plaza.

PILATES, it said.

At least someone's open, said Marie. Let's go in.

Pilates, said Sweezus. I don't like the sound of that much.

You're coming, said Marie. So they all went inside.

How may I help you? asked the physiotherapist.

Our friend needs a dentist, said Marie. His face has swelled up.

The physiotherapist looked at Sweezus.

He looks fine to me, he remarked.

It was true. Sweezus's face had gone back to normal.

Marie looked at Belle et Bonne. Was it some kind of miracle cure?

Hang on, said Sweezus. I can explain it. I was sucking a big chunk of Turkish Delight. Now it's melted.

Sweezus! said Belle et Bonne. I thought you had toothache.

I do, said Sweezus. But it isn't too bad.

Well, said the physiotherapist, I'll give you these sheets. Pilates can be beneficial in controlling all sorts of aches and pains.

Awesome! said Sweezus. Thanks a heap!

They left the premises, and got back on their bikes. It was windy and cold at the coast. They were hungry.
They stopped to eat hardboiled eggs.

Oh look, said Belle et Bonne. Marie's painted little faces on the eggs. And little coloured hats. Marie that's adorable!

But pointless, said Sweezus, gobbling his egg in one bite. And it must have taken forever. Is that why there's only one each?




.

Conversations for Good Friday

Next morning Sweezus, Belle et Bonne and Marie met outside the Velosophy office. They were all wearing backpacks and shorts.

Looks like good weather, said Marie.

Except for those clouds, said Sweezus.

It won't rain, said Belle et Bonne quickly. Sweezus, what did you bring?

Not much, said Sweezus. Toothbrush, Panadol, snacks.

What snacks? asked Marie.

Soft snacks, said Sweezus.

They set off. Soon they reached Henley Beach Road. The traffic was light. The clouds darkened.

It's going to rain, said Sweezus.

No it isn't, said Marie. It's just cloudy. Don't worry.

I'm not worried, said Sweezus.

They rode on. Soon they were down at the coast. The sun came out.

See, said Belle et Bonne. The sun's come out.

They rode on.

I hear you're reading Waiting for Godot, said Belle et Bonne.

Yep, said Sweezus. I am.

Funny thing to choose, observed Belle. It's a play.

I know it's a play, said Sweezus. It's a dual-language text. I'm trying to get better at French.

Talk to us, said Marie. We're both French.

What's French for toothache? said Sweezus.

Have you got one? asked Belle et Bonne. 

No, said Sweezus. I'm just anxious. What's French for anxious?

You'll be alright, said Belle et Bonne. Here, have une pomme..

Pardon? said Sweezus.

Pomme, said Belle et Bonne, handing him an apple. Don't you even know that?

She looked directly at Sweezus.

One side of his face had swelled up.

A Trip to the Country

Later that morning Sweezus, Marie and Belle et Bonne were having coffee at Cibo's in Norwood.

Belle was explaining about fractals, and Pythagorus's Theorem.

I used to like geometry, when I was at school, said Sweezus. Angles. And I liked carpentry. That was angles too. I made this cool chopping board.

I did plastics, said Marie. I made a cake server. I still have it somewhere.

Now, said Belle et Bonne, what are we going to do?

Let's see a film, said Marie. A Dangerous Method is on.

Who's in it? asked Sweezus.

Keira Knightley, said Marie. She's always good.

Okay, said Sweezus. I saw her in Pirates of the Caribbean. She was awesome in that.

They went into the cinema on the corner of George Street, watched A Dangerous Method, and came out.

What did you think? asked Belle et Bonne.

It wasn't that funny, said Sweezus.

It wasn't meant to be funny, said Belle et Bonne. Poor Professor Freud. I wonder if he's seen it?

He'd have hated it, said Marie. I do hope he hasn't.

I don't suppose he has, said Belle et Bonne. He's got that Paintball place out in the country.

Paintball! said Sweezus. Why did nobody tell me? I love Paintball.

I have an idea, said Marie. let's go and see him. We'll go on a bicycling holiday like we did last Easter. And end up at Professor Freud's and play Paintball.

Cool, said Sweezus. I'm in! You guys bring some normal food and I'll bring the chocolate.

Bad idea, Sweezie, said Belle et Bonne. Remember your toothache. Don't bring any chocolate.

Sweezus looked glum.

Intimations of Mortality

It was ten o'clock in the morning. Sweezus was still in bed. He'd woken up early, with a toothache. Then he'd gone back to sleep, and woken up half an hour later. He'd turned on the radio. Someone was reading a poem. 'A man's a man for a' that'.  

Pffuh!! thought Sweezus. He turned off the radio, and picked up a book.

The phone rang.

Hello, said Sweezus. Who is it?

Me, said Marie. Marie.

Marie! said Sweezus. Brilliant. What's up?

Well, said Marie, it's nearly Easter....

Tell me about it, said Sweezus. No, don't.....

We know you don't like it, said Marie.

Don't like it! said Sweezus. That's an understatement. My inbox is full of freakin' e-cards already!

That's nice, said Marie. At least your friends are thinking about you.

If you could see, said Sweezus, the sort of thing I have to deal with. Last night I got one with a picture of feet, disembodied feet, my feet, dancing in the air above the ground.

How did you know they were your feet? asked Marie.

I knew, said Sweezus darkly.

Oh I see, said Marie. And was there  a message?

Happy Easter, said Sweezus. And a musical theme.

What theme did they choose? asked Marie. Something old-fashioned?

The Bunny Hop polka, said Sweezus.

Marie made a choking sound.

You okay? asked Sweezus.

Yes, said Marie, recovering. You have to admit that's quite funny.

There was a silence, and then Sweezus said, Yeah it is. I must be losing it. I've got this toothache...

Go and see a dentist, said Marie.

Can't, said Sweezus. Not till after Easter.

What are you up to today then? said Marie.

Staying in bed with a book, said Sweezus.

What's the book? asked Marie.

Waiting for Godot, said Sweezus.

Come out with us, said Marie. Me and Belle.

Okay said Sweezus. I will.


.

Pythagoras's Fractals

Belle et Bonne arrived at the office early next morning. Marie was already there.

What's wrong? asked Marie.

Everything, said Belle et Bonne. I went to that talk on fractals last night with papa and Uncle David. We were each doing our best to persuade Professor Barnsley to write an article for Velosophy. But it all went horribly wrong.

Tell me about it, said Marie.

We kept losing control of the conversation, said Belle et Bonne. Papa lost it first. Then I did.

You? Marie looked surprised.

I had this brilliant idea, said Belle et Bonne. I thought we could offer self-advertising as a sort of a carrot. But papa said no. So the professor went home.

Never mind, said Marie. What did you learn about fractals?

They're very beautiful, said Belle et Bonne. But they're also geometry. I was cross with myself for not mentioning Pythagoras's Theorem. That's another reason why I'm upset. I started talking to Professor Barnsley about underwear sizes.

Marie smiled sympathetically.

I know what you mean, she said. Underwear sizes! Nothing fits any more.

Yes, but all those little triangles in the proof of Pythagoras's Theorem, said Belle. I think he would have been much more impressed if I'd talked about them. He might have asked me if I knew how to prove the theorem. And I do.

Do you? said Marie. Which proof do you know?

There's more than one? Now Belle was surprised.

There are ninety six, as far as I know, said Marie.

Well that proves something, said Belle et Bonne.

What? asked Marie.

I was on the right track, said Belle et Bonne.

She sighed.

It'll soon be Easter, said Marie, to change the subject. What say we get in touch with Sweezus?

Oh yes! Belle brightened up. Yes let's! He hates Easter.

It Just Goes to Show

Belle et Bonne came over.

Why are you all so silent? she asked.

We're thinking about bicycles, said The Velodrone.

I'm not, said Professor Barnsley. I'm thinking about going home.

You know, said Belle et Bonne, I think you three could use an attractor.

So you did understand my talk, said the professor. And how could we use an attractor?

Well, said Belle et Bonne, you all want something. But you aren't connected. I shall be the attractor.

Professor Barnsley looked suspicious. Was she still going on about underwear?

The VeloDrone looked doubtful. What could she up to?

Le Bon David looked away. This might become embarrassing. Was the bar still open? No, it was closed.  He shifted uncomfortably.

Belle et Bonne smiled a dazzling smile.

Professor, she said, you want to sell lots of Frango Camera apps. Papa and David, you want the professor to write an article for Velosophy.

Do you? The professor was astonished. Why didn't you ask me? I would have considered it.

Would you? said The Velodrone. Wonderful.

Yes, wonderful, echoed David.

I would have, said Professor Barnsley, but now...

Oops, said Belle et Bonne, looking quickly at her papa. But now you want to advertise in return for an article.

It's a brilliant idea, said the professor.

No it isn't, said The Velodrone. We don't allow advertising.

In that case, said Professor Barnsley. I'm off  home. On my bike. Good night young woman, good night gentlemen. Thank you for attending my talk.

He walked out of the room.

It was a good talk, said Le Bon David. And we got out of that sticky situation quite well. It just goes to show...

What? snapped Belle.

The Velodrone shook his head at David.

Nothing, said David. Nothing at all.