The Nature Of Reality

Terence squats to look under the rock.

Nothing. A bird-shaped empty space, sand, water and bubbles.

A few tiny insects.

Are you looking at me? says the bird-shaped empty space.

No, says Terence. Are you a parrot?

No, says the bird-shaped empty space. I'm not a parrot.

You COULD be, says Terence.

I'm just leaving, says the bird-shaped empty space. Bye now.

Wait! says Terence. Leaving for where?

Siberia, says the bird-shaped empty space. I should have left last month, but I stayed for Mad March.

If you see a rock parrot, says Terence, tell it I'm here.

Where? asks the bird-shaped empty space.

Never mind, says Terence. I suppose you can't see me. So it wouldn't mean anything.

Are you a philosopher? asks the bird-shaped empty space.

No. Yes, says Terence. I actually am. Are you one?

I would be, says the bird-shaped empty space.

Me too, says Terence. Well, goodbye, hole.

He stands up again. Turns away.

A bird flutters up from a second rock, beyond the first one.

A red-necked stint.

On its way to Siberia.

Off it goes.

Towards the Australasian East Asian Flyway......

The red-necked stint, or would-be philosopher, tries to imagine how things might have been different.

Had he been a rock parrot.

Had the strange infant not talked to a hole.

.......

Terence splodges back to the others.

They're still eating chocolate and jam.

Terence, did you see it? cries Belle. A red-necked stint! It flew up right behind you.

Behind me? says Terence. It was in front. And it was invisible.

It was behind you says Midge. We all saw it.

It wasn't the same one, says Terence.

He sits down, next to Sweezus.

An invisible bird, says Sweezus. I could hack that.

It flew away, says Terence. What are you eating?

Jam, says Sweezus.

I'm off to look at the mangroves, says Shu. Anyone care to come with me?

Me, says Arthur.

Not me, says Sweezus. Midge said she'd let me have a go with her Nikon.

I'll come says Barbs. What about you, Terence?

Terence doesn't answer.

He is thinking about the invisible bird and the indefinable nature of reality.

Happiness Is Knowing

Barbs has opened her backpack, and brought out the food.

Cheese, chutney, tapenade, jam and chocolate. A bottle of Clare Valley Riesling.

Sorry, no bread, says Barbs. You'll have to use fingers.

No worries, says Sweezus. I'm starved.

Shouldn't we wait for Arthur and the others? says Midge.

No need to, they're coming, says Belle. Ooh! Terence looks sad.

Terence stomps up to Sweezus. He throws himself down.

Splosh! In a wet patch of samphire.

What's up? says Sweezus.

I've got something, says Terence.

What is it? asks Belle.

NOT LONG TO LIVE! shouts Terence.

Who told you that? asks Belle. Arthur?

Yes, says Terence. He said I've got cancer.

Arthur! says Belle.

Cement-related scab, says Arthur. It was just a white lie for the dad of a kid that Terence almost fractured.

Now I'M fractured, says Terence.

Let's see, says Barb. Eeuw, you're wet. Oh dear, your little legs are scarred, the cement's all striated.

Stir-rated! says Terence. Wah!

Don't worry, says Barbs. You're in luck. I trained as a physio. Take those shorts down.

No, says Terence. These are my gecko shorts.

Are they really? says Belle. I remember your gecko shorts. What happened to the geckos?

They wore off, says Terence. But the shorts won't.

Barbs is opening the tapenade.

She rolls Terence's shorts up (since he won't take them down).

She rubs the tapenade on his calves and then nearly up to his bottom. It's just a placebo.

He smells of olives and oil. He is calmer.

Everyone digs into the cheese, chutney, jam and chocolate (not the tapenade), with their fingers.

They take turns to sample the wine. It's a good one.

Did you photograph any birds, while we were away? enquires Shu.

Some wonderful black swans, says Midge. And Sweezus spotted a red-necked stint, and Belle thinks she saw a sharp-tailed sandpiper.

Is that like a parrot? asks Terence, who is now feeling better.

No, says Midge. But Belle was looking for a parrot.

Where? asks Terence.

Under the rocks, says Belle. Rock parrots sometimes shelter under rocks.

Happiness is knowing this fact!

Terence pats his shorts down over his oily olive-scented legs, and heads over to the nearest rock, under which, surely! a rock parrot will be sheltering.........

Thinking The Puzzle Right Through

This is like one of those puzzles.

How do you get down the slide, avoid Rocky's dad, and Rocky, and get to the lunch box which Barbs has just opened on the tidal flats in the distance...

...before all the food disappears.

?

Arthur and Terence, at the top of the slide, are not thinking the puzzle right through.

They've got FOOD! says Terence.

He slides down the slide, making terrible scratches.

Arthur starts to back down the ladder.

Terence is first to get to the bottom.

Squeeeerrrk!

What the hell did you think you were doing! yells Rocky's dad. Pushing my kid off the slide. He could have got a fracture!

Rocky is sitting in the dirt, clutching his shoulder.

He ... begins Terence.

He is about to blame Rocky.

Luckily, Shu has seen everything, and come over.

I saw everything, says Shu.

So did I, says Rocky's dad. And I've got it on camera. You know this kid?

I do, says Shu. I'm here with his carer. That's him coming down the ladder. He'll be upset.

HE will? says Rocky's dad. And what do you mean, carer?

I probably shouldn't tell you this, says Shu, but Terence is poorly.

Rocky's dad stares hard at Terence.

Arthur has now reached the bottom.

I've just been telling this gentleman that Terence is poorly, says Shu.

Yes, says Arthur. Very poorly. He hasn't got too long to live.

Terence tries to process this new information.

Aww, says Rock'y dad, disarmed, (as you would be). What's he got? Cancer? Leukemia?

Scab, says Arthur. It's a type of cement-related cancer.

Jesus! says Rocky's dad. He's a brave little bugger to go up that giant slide.

Yes, he is, says Arthur. This is his Make-A-Wish. A visit to the playground, and a walk through the mangroves.

And a picnic, says Terence. But now I don't feel like a picnic.

What a shame, says Rocky's dad. I guess we should all count our blessings.

Rocky, who is worried he might have a fracture, looks disgusted.

Terence, who has not long to live, looks worried as well.

But the first part of the puzzle is solved.

Arthur, Shu and Terence proceed to the tidal flats, arriving in time for the picnic.

Wrecks And Tidal Perspectives

Sweezus heads off with Midge, Barbs and Belle to the tidal flats.

PARROT! shouts Terence, just as they're disappearing.

What's he shouting? asks Midge.

He wants us to look for a parrot, says Sweezus.

Are there parrots round here? asks Belle.

Rock parrots, says Midge. They're quite rare now. It'd be amazing to spot one.

Anything'll do for a parrot, says Sweezus.

What's that supposed to mean? asks Barbs.

For Terence, says Sweezus. Anything'll do for a parrot. A pigeon, a peacock, a balloon......

I'm a professional, says Midge. A balloon won't do anything for me.

Ha ha! laughs Barbs.

What does a rock parrot look like? asks Belle. I'd love to find one.

They have the least colourful plumage of any Australian parrot, says Midge. Dull brownish, olive green, yellow abdomen, slender tail, pale blue above, yellowish below.

Maybe I won't bother, says Belle.

I wouldn't, says Sweezus.

They trudge on over the samphire......

Meanwhile Terence has opted for the famous Saint Kilda Beach playground.

Arthur has taken him there.

Shu has tagged along too. He is sitting on a tyre watching them climb up the ladder to the top of the giant slide, Terence first, Arthur behind him.

Now Terence is at the top. There is already a child there.

Me first, says Terence, to the child. You're not ready.

I am ready, says the child. What's your name?

Terence, says Terence. What's yours?

Rocky, says Rocky. My dad's down the bottom. He's making a video. I have to go first.

No, says Terence. My dad's older than your dad. I have to go first.

Rocky looks at Arthur, whose head is just at the level of Terence's feet.

It's not me, says Arthur. His dad's......elsewhere.

But Rocky has spotted Terence's feet. They look like cement. So do his legs. And probably even his bottom.

You can't go down, says Rocky. You'll wreck the slide.

I won't wreck it, says Terence. Why will I? Anyway, I can if I want to.

DAD! yells Rocky. This kid wants to wreck the slide!

Rocky's dad is sick of waiting for Rocky to come down the slide for the family's Easter video.

Rocky, get down here NOW!

Terence pushes Rocky, to help him on his way.

Rocky falls over the edge of the slide, and tumbles fifteen metres to the ground, unintentionally becoming responsible for the most spectacular family Easter video ever.

His leg and shoulder are hurting, and his ankle is bleeding.

Look what he made me do, says Terence.

You could go down now, says Arthur.

I might wreck it, says Terence. And I might get into trouble.

True. Wait till Rocky's dad goes, says Arthur.

But Rocky's dad is mad. He is waiting at the bottom.

Arthur and Terence remain at the top.

While waiting, they turn seawards. What a view. Tidal flats, seaweed, rocks and a wooden pirate ship.

And beyond that, the salt marshes, Sweezus gazing dreamily skywards.

Belle looking under a rock.

Midge taking a photo.

Barbs getting something out of a back pack.

Maybe it's something to eat.

Everything Else I (Rude Word) Hate

In the camper, on the way to Saint Kilda:

Terence is singing.

If you must sing the Beard song, says Belle, change that rude word, will you.

What rude word? asks Terence.

You know exactly which one, says Belle.

Here's a nice version, says Barbs. Try this, Terence.

Beards are good
Beards are great
Everything else
I truly hate

Truly hate, says Terence. That's not even one tiny bit nicer.

He's right, says Sweezus. Maybe not truly.

Maybe not hate, says Shu.

You're a poet, says Midge. Come up with something.

South go the wild geese, for leaves are now falling..... says Shu,

That's lovely, says Midge. If irrelevant. Do you like birds, Shu?

Not really, says Shu. Not actual ones.

Like me, says Sweezus.

I forgot you don't like birds, says Midge.

It's his only fault, says Belle fondly.

I LOVE birds, says Terence. I had a parrot. And then.....

Arthur cut its head off, says Sweezus. It was an accident, though.

Yes, it was an accident, says Arthur. It's those Swiss Army knives. If you have the wrong part out....

Spare us, says Barbs. Anyhow, it's a pity you guys, except Terence, don't like birds.

How come? asks Sweezus.

Because Midge has this photography assignment, says Barbs. She's doing a spread for an online magazine.

A bird one? says Sweezus.

Yep, says Barbs. Black swans and you know... the usual... pelicans and cormorants.

Egrets and herons, spoonbills, fairy wrens, chats, says Midge. But yeah, you guys can do the mangrove board walk, or the playground......

No, says Sweezus, I'll come with you. I need to man up. What's your camera?

A Nikon D7750, says Midge. Good on you, Sweezus

Yes, says Belle. Well done you!

Find me a parrot, says Terence. And I'll sing truly.

Aw, what a  sweetheart, says Barbs.

We might go to the playground, says Arthur, looking at Shu.

Shu is in two minds. Mangrove board walk sounds more intriguing.

Then everyone looks at Terence.

What would he rather do?

Stiff In The Morning

3.30 am. The music has stopped. It's quiet in the camp site. Except for some coughing and retching.

4 am. Midge's camper creaks, the door opens and Arthur slides out. He can't sleep with those things in his pocket.

4.10 am. Terence tumbles out onto the grass.

4.11 am. Shu emerges.

Can't you sleep, either? whispers Shu.

NO! shouts Terence.

He fell out, says Arthur.

It's cold, says Shu. But it's hot in the camper.

Too many people, says Arthur. I need knee room.

I need knee room too, says Terence.

What did you think of the music? asks Shu.

Not bad, says Arthur.

It was EXCELLENT! says Terence. I was singing. I got into trouble.

So I heard, says Arthur. What were you singing?

Beard Song, says Terence.

The last verse? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Terence. The best one.

No wonder you got into trouble, says Arthur.

I didn't hear it, says Shu.

You didn't miss anything, says Arthur. Anyway, you were busy making money.

Not deliberately, says Shu.

What are you going to do with it? asks Arthur.

Pay Midge for our tickets, says Shu.

Don't do that, says Arthur. That's like giving money to Cambodia twice.

How do you mean? asks Shu.

She's already paid, says Arthur. You may as well keep it.

Little ears are listening, says Shu.

But Terence's little ears are not listening. He is humming the beard song.

So ..... you wouldn't pay her, says Shu.

I never pay for anything, says Arthur.

( a lie; he once paid for a yellow ostrich bracelet for Sweezus)

That's one of the reasons I love you, says Shu.

Have you still got that knife I gave you? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Shu. But if you're suggesting a fight, I protest. It was only a dinner knife.

SHUT UP! yells a nearby angry trying-hard-to-fall-asleep camper.

So they do not fight. They just huddle outside until morning.

.......

Morning. A horrible glaring bright country outdoors morning.

Sweezus is stiff, from trying to remain rigid in the camper while Midge, Barbs and Belle roll about unrestricted.

What a great night! says Midge, yawning and stretching. Now does anyone object if we get going immediately? I have to go to Saint Kilda.

Ugh! Saint Kilda. What for?

Photos, says Midge. It's my job, remember.

Oh yes, It's her job, remember.

Pale Fat Good Friday Moon

Evening, at Blenheim.

The moon has come up, pale and fat.

Sweezus and Arthur are skulking behind Midge's camper.

The sounds of Beard anthems thrum through the night.

Followed by high energy Latino gritty pretty electronica and Afro Caribbean revelry.

No glass.

And no one is being a dick head.

(There's a no dick head policy at Blenheim)

Cut it off, says Sweezus.

Are you sure? says Arthur. It's not all that obvious.

It's embarrassing, says Sweezus.

He looks up at the pale fat Good Friday moon.

The pale fat Good Friday moon is immobile but he can tell it is itching to twitch.

The Good Friday moon would never allow a girl to convince him to let her pay for a hair wrap.

(The round no-hair moon)

All right, if you're certain, says Arthur, getting his Swiss army knife out.

He snips off the bright wool-wrapped strand.

Shoves it into his pocket.

Sweezus's hair.

How long does this go for? asks Sweezus.

Midge said till three, says Arthur.

Sheeez! says Sweezus. It's freakin' freezing.

We could get warm in the camper, says Arthur.

They try it. It's locked.

There you are, says Midge, appearing from Trumpet Lane, with Terence. This little fellow needs to chill out for a spell.

Her flowers are wilting, she looks frazzled.

She opens the back of the van.

I don't, says Terence. She's just mad because I was singing.

He wasn't just singing, says Midge.

Singing, says Terence. Everyone's singing.

Not what you were singing, says Midge.

Shu comes up out of the dark.

Look at this, says Shu. He holds out some notes. A handful of money.

Did you find it? asks Midge.

No I was given it, says Shu.

How come? asks Sweezus.

I was reciting, says Shu. And someone asked me if I was Cambodian. I continued reciting. And received all this money.

There is something not right with this story.

But no one perceives it.

Belle arrives, looking perky.

Until....

Sweezie! What happened to your beautiful hair wrap? Wait till Barbs sees you!

He's still got it, says Arthur. It's here for safe keeping.

He pats his shorts pocket.

Sweezus looks up at the Good Friday moon.

How cold he is, and the moon appears to be twitching.

He would kill for some chocolate.

Good Friday Not Looking Too Good

Good Friday. Midge pulls up in the camper. She has flowers in her hair.

Sweezus, Arthur and Shu haven't brought much. Belle has a back pack.

Terence is in it.

Hi guys, says Midge. All ready for Blenheim? Hop in!

This is Barbs, says Midge, indicating Barbs, who is sitting beside her.

Hi guys, says Barbs. She also has flowers in her hair.

The camper heads north, in the lovely blue and gold weather.

You guys haven't brought much, says Midge.

Only chocolate, says Arthur.

Chocolate! says Belle. Damn ! I forgot it!

Never mind, says Midge. As long as you've got shoes, that's the main thing.

Yep, says Barbs. Shoes are essential.

I thought it was hippy, says Sweezus.

Thistles, says Barbs.

For fuck sake! says Sweezus. He tries to think beyond Easter, to Tuesday or some time like that.

I haven't got shoes, pipes up Terence.

Who said that? asks Barbs. It sounds like a kiddy.

Me, says Terence. I haven't got shoes.

Barbs cranes around and sees Terence, for the first time.

Aww! An infant!

You won't need shoes, says Barbs. You're an infant. Lucky you! You're going to love it! And you get in for free.

Does he? says Arthur. What's the age limit?

Twelve, says Midge. Don't worry. I've already paid for our tickets.

Cool, says Sweezus.

You can pay me back later, says Midge.

Oh.......yeah...... maybe next Tuesday? says Sweezus. That's when I get paid.

Midge looks peeved.

Your friend's very quiet, says Barbs.

What friend? says Sweezus.

Him, says Barbs. She means Shu.

He's a poet, says Sweezus. He'll be miles away, elegising the landscape.

Is that a thing? asks Barbs. Elegising? Awesome.

Shu looks up from elegising the landscape.

The old fort brims with yellow leaves....

Not that he actually saw one.

Sorry, says Shu. There is beauty in silence.

's okay, says Barbs. It's very chill. Like this whole weekend.

Who's playing? asks Belle.

The Beards, they play songs about beards.... the Pierce brothers... Funk Latin Union, says Midge. And heaps of others.

And there'll be stalls, says Barbs. Selling herbal teas, chai, local wines, and food.

And face painting, henna and hair wraps, says Midge.

Sounds divine! says Belle.

Chocolate? says Terence.

Maybe, says Barbs. But you mustn't eat too much chocolate. It's bad for you.

Huuuuh......!

Limited chocolate.

And The Beards, they play songs about beards.

And there are thistles to step on.

Scottish Scab To Grumpy Face

The second night is not as good as the first.

This is due to there being no Bright Red Object.

Which is due in large part to the scab.

After the performance the players ( and Terence ) go out to dinner, at Rigoni's.

Feedback, anyone? says Vello.

It wasn't as good without Terence, says Belle.

Yeah, says Sweezus. It was funnier with Terence.

Well, Terence, says David. Have you anything to say?

No, says Terence. I feel all itchy.

You don't have the scab, says Vello. How many times do I have to tell you?

So why am I itchy? asks Terence. It's maths.

Arthur thinks he knows why Terence is itchy from maths.

A plus B minus C over Z, says Arthur.

YES! says Terence.

Ridiculous! says Vello. It's not real maths. And if you'd been listening, that was the formula for why you were red, not the formula for scab.

I thought it was both, says David.

It doesn't matter! says Vello. I just made it up on the spur of the moment. It isn't important!

It is to me, says Terence. He starts scratching.

I have scabs all the time says Arthur. They fall off eventually.

Are we ready to order? asks the waiter. Or are we waiting?

( For what ? Falling scabs?)

They order.

Sheep scab isn't like that, says David. I should know, being Scottish.

What is it like? asks Terence.

It's a mite, says David. A tiny pearly-white mite.

There, Terence, says Belle. You haven't got it. You're not Scottish.

This is patently silly. But everyone waits to see if Terence will swallow it.

He does.

The waiter brings Terence his red milk, and Terence is happy.

The conversation switches to Easter.

So who's doing what for Easter? asks Vello.

We're going camping with Midge and Barbs, says Belle. Me, Sweezie and Arthur.

And me, says Terence.

And Shu, says Arthur.

Yay! says Terence.

Where are you going? asks David.

Clare Valley, says Belle. The Blenheim Music and Camping Weekend. It should be amazing.

I like a jolly bit of music, says Vello. What style?

Bluesy hippy folksy rootsy, says Belle. You wouldn't like it.

This is the first Sweezus has heard of it being bluesy hippy folksy rootsy.

He grimaces at Arthur.

And they're raising money for charity, says Belle. New Hope Cambodia.

So you have to pay to get in? says David.

Ninety nine dollars a person, says Belle.

Arthur makes a grumpy face at Sweezus.

Easter is going to be shit.

The Ending Is Not For You To Know

That night, at the theatre:

Is this it? says Vello. This tiny tent? No wonder it's sold out.

Best I could do, says David. Now, who's playing who?

I'm Doctor Pangloss, says Vello. Belle is Cunegonde, Sweezus is Candide. Arthur is Carambo, and you can be everyone else.

And me, says Terence.

Oh, hello Terence, says David. Why are you wearing a towel with a face?

I'm the Bright Red Object, says Terence.

I don't remember a Bright Red Object, says David.

Of course you do, says Vello. The sheep! Terence is playing it. We've extended the part.

David looks doubtful.

......

Outside the tent, there is a buzz in the queue:

Person 1: I love this play. I came last year.

Person 2: Me too. They changed the ending.

Person: 3: No, they didn't. They changed the plot, to give it a feminist feel. Cunegonde stayed pretty.

Person 1: Oh yeah. Candide was the one that turned ugly. And then there was the red sleeve.

Person 2: The talking red sleeve! To be honest, I never got that.

Person 3: It was meant to be Doctor Pangloss.

Person 2: No kidding! Oh hey! We're going in!

......

The performance (one of the highlights):

Candide: Is that my sheep?

Bright Red Object: I'm red! And I'm full of jewels.

(He shakes himself. Two sprigs of pennyroyal drop out).

Candide: I'm happier to see you than when I had a hundred sheep.

Carambo: But you can't take him with you.

Bright Red Object: That's all right. I'm going to the Academy of Science. There's a prize.

Doctor Pangloss: This red sheep seems to know a great deal about the future. How is that possible?

Bright Red Object: You told me. Now you have to tell me the ending.

Doctor Pangloss: The ending is not for you to know.

Bright Red Object: Then I'll make up an ending. I know why I'm red and I win the prize.

Candide: Why are you red?

Doctor Pangloss: He doesn't know. The essay hasn't been written.

Carambo: What's in it?

Audience: What's in it?

Doctor Pangloss: Are you sure you all want to know?

All (including the audience) : Yes! We want to know!

Doctor Pangloss: The prize is won by a Northern scholar who demonstrates by the formula A plus B minus C over Z that the sheep is necessarily red and ought to die of the scab!

Audience: Ha Ha!

Bright Red Object (ripping the towel off): Scab! Wah!

........

After the show:

Person 1. Wow! That was great. I totally got it.

Person 2: It spoke to me too. 'The ending is not for you to know'.

Person 3: And so he tried to make up an ending.

Person 1: But he got it wrong.

Person 2: Because it hadn't been written.

Person 3: Then it turned out it had.

Person 1: Just like real life.

Person 2: Yeah. I know.

Shivers Flatulence and Derangement

It's a long journey back to Adelaide, and Terence is hot in his damp red costume.

He falls asleep.

He dreams of being the subject of an essay, on why he is red.

In the dream, he is standing on a cheese wheel, surrounded by people with notebooks.

The people are writing.

This is as far as it gets, because why should he know the answer?

Midge pulls up outside Gaius's house.

Terence wakes up, with the shivers.

You've got the shivers, says Sweezus. You shouldn't have gone to sleep wet.

I've been to sleep wet, says Arthur. I've never had the shivers.

Good on you, says Sweezus. But he has.

Achoo! says Terence.

Good heavens! says Vello. We must get him well before the performance.

He can come in with me, says Gaius. I'll dose him.

Good man, says Vello. See you tonight at the theatre.

Terence and Gaius get out.

Shu remains in the camper.

Come on, Shu, says Gaius. We have notes to write up and diagrams to draw.

Do we? says Shu. Diagrams of what?

The fossils you uncovered, says Gaius. I trust you still have them?

Yes, says Shu. Somewhere.

He gets out of the camper.

Midge drives off with Sweezus, Arthur and Vello.

Are we doing science? asks Terence.

We are, says Gaius. Not you. You are coming straight out into the back garden with me to pick pennyroyal and lettuces to rid you of traces of fever.

Pennyroyal and lettuces. Terence is excited. Whatever Gaius may think, this surely is science.

He and Gaius go through to the back, while Shu searches his pockets.

Gaius picks a handful of wilted lettuce leaves, and two sprigs of pennyroyal.

While I pound up the lettuce, says Gaius, you stick these sprigs of pennyroyal behind your ears.

I'll look like an IDIOT, says Terence.

No one will see, says Gaius. You can put your red hood on.

I'm not allowed to, says Terence, it's wet. What's it for anyway?

It's a remedy for colds and ... ahem ... menstrual derangement, which need not concern you. And it repels fleas. The lettuce will cool a feverish body and disperse flatulence.

Have I got flatulence? asks Terence. Where is it?

But Gaius has gone inside to pound up the lettuces.

Shu has found the stones and is drawing.

Terence comes in. Are you writing an essay on why I'm red? asks Terence.

Of course not, says Shu.

Why of course not? says Terence. There's a prize for getting the right answer.

No there isn't, says Shu. That's just in the play. There isn't really a prize for the right answer.

What is the right answer? asks Terence.

He can be SO annoying.

Do I Do Science?

Hi, says Louise. She waves the red towel at Terence.

My costume! cries Terence.

Don't you want to know how it got here? asks Louise.

No, says Terence. I already know. It was grandpa.

Ha ha! laughs Vello. And how did he do it?

Grandpa, says Terence, can do ANYTHING.

Louise is understandably miffed by this answer.

It was ME that found it, says Louise. And it was ME that hopped on the next ferry.

That was very kind of you, Louise, says Gaius.

I know, says Louise. And I don't take kindly to not being given the credit.

Terence doesn't know what that means.

Sweezus does.

He kicks Terence.

What? says Terence.

Say thanks to Louise, says Sweezus. She'll think you're ungrateful.

Terence runs over to Louise's knees and wraps his cement arms around them.

Ouch, says Louise. Is that a thank you? It's not good enough. Admit that it wasn't your grandpa.

No, says Terence. Because he made you do it.

Rubbish, says Louise. No one made me do it. Who's your grandpa?

Karl Marx, says Sweezus. He thinks. Long story.

I've heard of him, says Louise. Isn't he a communist?

No, says Terence. He's old.

Come on! calls Midge, from the camper van. Who's coming? Anyone else need a lift?

We all do, says Vello. We've a play to put on this evening.

Okay, says Midge. There's plenty of room. Hop in.

We've got bikes as well, says Vello.

No worries, says Midge. Pile 'em on top. Let's get going.

They wave goodbye to Louise. Midge pulls out onto the road.

Good holiday? asks Midge. Good surfing?

Wicked, says Sweezus. And we went wreck diving. And we saw heaps of sharks. Some guy called Dazza got eaten. Could have been us, easy.

Got plans for Easter? asks Midge.

Yes, says Arthur. We're going camping.

Me too, says Terence, wriggling.

Stop wriggling, says Gaius. That towel is wet.

Whereabouts? asks Midge.

We don't know yet, says Arthur.

I know a really cool place says Midge. It's in the Clare Valley. It's like a music festival and you camp there. You guys could come with me and Barbs if you want.

Okay, says Sweezus. I'll see if Belle wants to.

Shu is looking uncomfortable. He is wedged next to Terence and Terence is wet.

You don't have to wear it, says Shu. Take it off. It will dry sooner.

I'm a red sheep, says Terence. I can't take it off.

He's getting in character, says Vello. Good job, Terence.

Does he have lines? asks Shu. I could help him learn them.

No lines, says Vello. He gets rescued. Then Candide has to leave him behind in Bordeaux, at the Academy of Science.

Do I do science? asks Terence.

No. You become the subject of an essay on why your fleece is red, says Vello.

That seems fairly important. Terence is satisfied with this answer for a moment.

Existential Moments

Terence won't calm down. His Elmo towel is floating away.

Arthur is smart enough to know that this is no time to ask him the question:

(who do you think your dad is?)

He lets Terence ask his question first.

Every time I feel happy, says Terence, I lose something.

Arthur is patient. This is a preliminary statement.

Something's WRONG, says Terence.

Arthur waits for the question.

So what's HAPPENING? says Terence.

Normal events, says Arthur. In most cases, triggered by you. I bet you were standing on the railing.

He was, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.

You should have stopped me, says Terence.

I was having an existential moment of my own, says Ssü-K'ung Shu.

Were you? says Arthur. What was it?

Should I go home to China? asks Ssü-K'ung Shu.

Up to you, says Arthur, but after the two sellout shows, it'll be Easter, and we're going camping. You could come too.

In that case... says Ssü-K'ung Shu.

It isn't my fault that you're doing NOTHING! shouts Terence.

But someone is doing something.

MAN OVERBOARD!

The dreadful cry is heard all over the Sealink Ferry.

The engines grind to a halt.

The crew scan the ocean on both sides and the rear of the vessel. A life boat is lowered.

Vello and Gaius come running, followed by Sweezus.

They spot Terence, at the same time.

Marvellous, says Vello. So you didn't fall in then? I'll go and report to the captain.

Soon the ferry starts up again, having lost twenty minutes of time.

Elmo towel floats to the surface,
Elmo face reads the sky.
Elmo face has nothing to go by.
Elmo face thinks it will die.

But the kindly tides float the Elmo towel back to the Ferry terminal at Penneshaw, where Louise is drinking an apple juice.

My towel, says Louise. She reaches down with her trumpet, and hooks it up out of the water.

Terence loved that towel, says Louise. He'll be upset that he lost it.

She wrings it out, taking care not to damage the nose.

........

Cape Jervis.

The Sealink Ferry has docked, twenty minutes late.

Everyone gets off. Terence is sniffling.

Do stop sniffling, says Gaius. It's only a towel.

It's not the towel, says Terence. Arthur says I can't go camping.

Who's going camping? asks Vello.

THEY are, says Terence. They're having chocolate and sleeping in bags.

Cheer up, says Vello, You wouldn't want to be anywhere near Sweezus at Easter, believe me.

WHY? asks Terence.

He doesn't know.

Midge pulls up in her camper, to give Sweezus and Arthur a lift home.

They are just piling in when Louise appears, out of nowhere, waving the red Elmo towel.

A Prediction A Prize And Three Questions

Next morning at the Sealink Ferry Terminal.

A small crowd has gathered to see off the famous visitors.

Louise has brought her trumpet.

Irene is there looking sour.

Mayor Clements is far too busy to turn up this morning.

The ferry sails, to the sounds of a lonely calypso.

On the ferry, port side:

Vello: That was very successful.

Gaius: Agreed.

Vello: They all loved Terence.

Gaius: He was amusing.

Vello: Have you seen his new costume?

Gaius: Yes, a gift from Louise. Will you keep him in it?

Vello: The costume? Just try and get him out of it.

Gaius: I meant the play. You have two sell-out shows this weekend.

Vello: Yes, I'll keep him in it. But I don't think he'll like how it ends.

Gaius: Remind me.

Vello: With an essay, a formula and a prediction.

Gaius: Goodness!

Vello: And a prize.

Gaius: He'll like that.

Vello: He won't get it.

........

Meanwhile, to starboard:

Sweezus: And then he said, I sometimes live with my dad.

Arthur: He doesn't have one.

Sweezus: I know. Maybe he's, like .....

Arthur: Lying.

Sweezus: Wish-fulfilling.

Arthur: Remember when he ran up to you?

Sweezus: No.

Arthur: After he lost his towel, the first one, with the blood on?

Sweezus: So he ran up to me. What are you saying? He thinks I'm his dad?

Arthur: Who knows what he's thinking?

Sweezus: I'm not asking him. Why don't you ask him?

Arthur: Okay.

........

Meanwhile, at the bow:

Ssü-K'ung Shu: Are you happy, little Bright Red Object?

Terence: Yes. I have two noses.

Ssü-K'ung Shu: If that brings happiness, no one is happy.

Terence: I am.

Ssü-K'ung Shu: Apart from you. What do you think I should do now?

Terence: Stand up on the railing.

Ssü-K'ung Shu: I meant, should I go back to China?

Terence: How far is it?

Ssü-K'ung Shu: Or should I stay?

Terence: Look at me. I'm flying!

Ssü-K'ung Shu: Careful! Oh no!

Arthur (coming up behind him): What's up? Where's Terence?

Ssü-'K'ung Shu: He's fallen in! That's him down there! The Bright Red Object!

Arthur: Just like in the play. Is he swimming?

Terence: I haven't!

Ssü-K'ung Shu: What a fright you gave us. What's that down there then?

Arthur ( leaning over the railing ): That's his new costume.

Terence: Wah! I lost it!

Arthur: Calm down. I want to ask you a question.

Terence: And I want to ask YOU a question!

Ssü-K'ung Shu: I too have a question.

And The Face Is The Face Of Elmo

The audience file out, their heads full of Ssü-K'ung Shu's poem.

petals are falling, like a girls robe, long ago...

They murmur to one another:

What do you suppose was the meaning?

All things must pass.

A bit inappropriate don't you think?

But unavoidable.

I meant the girl's dress coming off.

Even that's unavoidable.

What?

At bedtime. Or if it needs washing.

.........

How pleasing that Ssü K'ung Shu's poem has made everyone think.

Perhaps someone might start up a poetry club.

.......

Louise is waiting at the door for Terence.

Come to my house, says Louise.

It's Terence's bedtime, says Sweezus.

Just for ten minutes, says Louise. To get my red towel.

Okay, says Sweezus. I'll come too.

They start walking.

Wait a sec, says Sweezus. I thought you lived in Penneshaw.

With mum, says Louise. But in Kingscote I live with my dad.

Like me, says Terence.

Huh? says Sweezus. Don't make stuff up, little buddy.

I sometimes live with my dad, says Terence.

You can see he is going to cry in a minute.

Okay! says Sweezus. You sometimes live with your dad.

They arrive at Louise's dad's place.

Hi dad! calls Louise. Just brought a couple of friends home!

Louise's dad appears.

Where's my Elmo towel? says Louise. The one with the hood on.

Buggered if I know! says Louise's dad. Who are these people?

Sweezus and Terence, says Louise. YOU know. Sweezus is with Jacques Cousteau. He went diving with the Froggs. And he's playing Candide in a play. And Terence is the Bright Red Object. But he isn't bright enough. So I'm giving him my towel. Where is it?

Louise's dad goes off to look in the laundry.

He comes back with THE MOST WONDERFUL TOWEL!

It is bright red and hooded. And on the hood is a face. And the face is the face of ELMO.

Can it really be true that Terence is going to be given the wonderful towel?

You sure you want to give it to him? says Sweezus. It's pretty awesome.

I know, says Louise. It's my absolutely favourite towel.

She takes the red hooded Elmo towel from her dad and wraps it around herself, one last time.

Then she lets it fall to the floor like a giant red petal.....

Goodbye to her childhood.

Take it Terence, says Louise.

You are the best person in the world, says Terence. Except for my grandpa.

He takes the Elmo towel, puts it on.

The hood covers his little face entirely.

Look at him.

Bright red all over, two large white eyes with black dots in the middle, and a soft orange nose.

Nature Lovers And Shooters

Well, says Mayor Clements. I hope you all found that enjoyable. Unfortunately, time has run away with us and there is no time for questions.

Boo! cries someone in the third row. We were promised questions!

It's only twenty past six! cries another.

Gaius comes out and stands next to Mayor Clements.

My colleagues are only too happy to answer questions, says Gaius. Fire away!

All right, says Mayor Clements, scanning the audience for anyone who might represent the golf course developer. Just a few quick questions.

Dr Pangloss, Candide and Carambo file onto the stage, followed by the pale Bright Red Object.

My question was for David Suzuki, says the first questioner. But he isn't here, is he?

Is that your question? asks Mayor Clements. Or do you have an actual question?

Yes, says the first questioner. Shall I ask Doctor Pangloss?

Yes, says Doctor Pangloss. What is your question?

My question is, says the first questioner, will there be a kangaroo cull?

Doctor Pangloss looks at Mayor Clements.

Definitely not, says Mayor Clements. There will be a high fence. No need for a kangaroo cull.

Some of the audience look relieved ( nature lovers ). Others look disappointed ( sporting shooters ).

I have a question for the Bright Red Object! calls a young girl.

Woo hoo! says Terence. That's me!

He pulls off his towel.

I thought it was you, says Louise. That's not a very good costume.

Is that your question? says Terence. Because it didn't have a question mark.

My question is, wouldn't it be better if it was bright red? says Louise.

It was, says Terence. But the man wanted it back. EVEN though it was ....

Never mind, says Louise. I have a red one. Would you like it?

YES! cries Terence.

See me after, says Louise.

I have a question! calls a woman in the back row.

Last one, says Mayor Clements.

I hope it is for one of my young colleagues, says Doctor Pangloss, gesturing towards Candide and Carambo.

It is, says the woman. I believe they know the whereabouts of David Suzuki. Where is he? Why isn't he here?

He is here, says Candide.

He is and he isn't, says Carambo.

He's off stage, says Candide.

Waiting, says Carambo.

He's written a poem, says Candide.

In the style of a Middle Tang Poet, says Carambo.

Do you want to hear it? asks Candide.

Without waiting for an answer Ssü-K'ung Shu strides onto the stage.

Stories of passion make sweet dust
Calm waters, grasses unconcerned
At sunset, when birds cry in the wind
Petals are falling, like a girl's robe, long ago.....

Good, although not his best one.

The Best Of All Possible Islands

Evening.

The Kingscote Town Hall is filled to capacity.

Mayor Clements walks onto the stage.

Welcome everyone! says Mayor Clements. What a treat we have for you tonight! We are honoured to have been visited by three eminent environmentalists, all of whom have agreed to speak to you on the topics about which we are all .....

Mayor Clements goes on for several more minutes, until the audience starts tittering.

Mayor Clements tries to shush them. He holds his hands up. He lowers them down.

Titter titter.

Is there something behind him?

Mayor Clements turns round.

A pale Bright Red Object is moving back and forth as though swimming.

Get off, hisses Mayor Clements.

The pale Bright Red Object stops swimming, bows and swims off.

Our first speaker is Gaius Plinius Secundus, a man who needs no introduction, says Mayor Clements. An unsurpassed natural historian, quoted possibly more times than any other natural historian in history, he came to Kangaroo Island to observe the latest fossil discoveries in the Emu Bay Shale. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome........Gaius Plinius Secundus!

Gaius walks on, to a smattering of applause.

Thank you, says Gaius. Everyone has been very kind. My companions and I have decided that rather than bore you with speeches, we will perform a short excerpt from a play which was written by one of our party.

Jacques Cousteau! calls a voice from the audience.

If you like, says Gaius. But tonight he will play the part of Dr Pangloss.

The audience is quiet, never having heard of Dr Pangloss.

Gaius leaves the stage.

The play begins.

Enter Sweezus and Arthur as Candide and Carambo.

Candide: I have lost all the red sheep I was given by the King of Eldorado.

Carambo: No! All hundred?

Candide: Yes. All hundred. Two plunged into a bog. Two died of fatigue. Seven or eight starved in the desert. Some fell down a precipice. After one hundred days I had only two left, but nevertheless I was happy, because those two were loaded with gold, diamonds and precious stones.

Carambo: What happened to those two?

Candide: I was tricked out of them by a pirate, whose ship sank in a subsequent battle.

The pale Bright Red Object enters stage left and swims past.

Carambo: Is that one of them?

Candide: Yes!

Bright Red Object: I'm a proper red sheep!

Candide: Good! Now I have money again. What is there to do here?

Carambo: Nothing.

Enter Dr Pangloss.

Dr Pangloss: I say! Have you heard about the new golf course? It's going to be a wonderful asset for Kangaroo Island.

The audience cheers. At last, Dr Pangloss! And they can understand what he is saying.

Candide: What about all the precious water it will require?

Carambo: Will there be a kangaroo cull?

Candide: What about the impact on the island's ageing infrastructure?

Dr Pangloss: Piffle! It means fifty new jobs for the community. And more tourists. It's ALL FOR THE BEST IN THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE ISLANDS.

The best of all possible islands!  The audience cheers again.

The pale Bright Red Object scatters two stones that he has borrowed from Shu.

Bright Red Object: These are meant to be jewels!

Half the audience stands up in order to see the jewels.

They are fossil eyes. The soft tissue compound fossil eyes of anomalocaris.

To the audience, they just look like stones.

Finis.

The players step forward and bow.

Mayor Clements runs onto the stage.

He looks like a man in a flap for some reason.

Redness Potential

Terence is dropped off first.

Terence, says Gaius. I have something to tell you.

Me too, says Terence. I'm in the play. I'm the Bright Red Object. I lost my costume. But.....

Listen to me, says Gaius. Dr Yu Liu came by.

Terence is heading for the bathroom.

( to look for a towel )

He's leaving tomorrow on the ferry, says Gaius.

Terence is at the bathroom door.

He dropped in to pick up his specimen, says Gaius.

Terence can see a wet towel, hanging on a towel rail.

So I was obliged to hand it over, says Gaius. I hope you're not too disappointed.

Terence comes back with the towel. It's a good size. With redness potential.

What? says Terence.

Disappointed, says Gaius.

It wasn't me, says Terence.

YOU are not disappointed, says Gaius.

I know, says Terence. I can do something with it. It just needs to be redder.

Terence, says Gaius. Dr Yu Liu has gone off with your grasshopper.

WAH! wails Terence.

Shu looks up from where he has been disconsolately writing a poem.

Where the tender grasses rim the stream....

Someone is coming.

It's Sweezus.

Hi guys, says Sweezus. I got a lift back with Mayor Clements. He reckons the new golf course'll be the best thing that ever happened to ....... what's up Terence?

Saint Joseph-Grasshopper got stolen! cries Terence

Repossessed, explains Gaius. By Dr Yu Liu.

It had no legs, says Sweezus. I'm surprised he wanted it.

He wanted it for its head, says Gaius.

Shu looks gloomy.

He writes another line.

And the deep boughs trill with mango-birds......

Sweezus sits down at the table.

Mango birds, says Sweezus, That's some image.

Terence stops wailing.

Mango birds. Baby B-B! He got kidnapped as well. And the red towel. Everything is one great big bumhole!

He runs up to Sweezus.

Not now Terence, says Sweezus. Gotta write this speech for the boss.

Vello comes in, with Arthur.

Glad to see you're in one piece, says Shu.

Thank you, says Vello.

He means me, says Arthur.

Arthur has brought Shu a present.

A knife from the Rockpool Café.

Shu is delighted. He dashes another two lines off

On the spring flood of last nights rain
The ferry boat moves as though someone were poling.

Fingering His Stones

The Bright Red Object, says Vello. Remind me again what it is?

A red sheep, swimming, says Arthur.

Ah yes, says Vello. Candide's last red sheep, captured by a pirate, I remember it now.

Captured by a pirate! Terence likes the sound of this part.

So am I in it? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Vello. I do like your costume. What is it?

A red towel, says Terence.

A sticky, wet, red towel, says Arthur.

I think we all know what it is, says Victor.

What? asks Mayor Clements.

The victim's blood, soaked up in a towel, says Victor.

Dazza's, says Lisa. It's a wildly inappropriate costume.

Yeah, and tomorrow it'll be more inappropriate, says Sweezus.

What's inappropriate? asks Terence.

It'll be brown, says Arthur. Blood dries brown.

I won't let it dry, says Terence. I'll keep wetting it.

Then the blood will wash out, says Arthur.

Interesting that Arthur, who does so little washing, should know this,

True, says Vello, but the concept is a good one. Assuming this towel is not needed for evidence, we shall keep it as a prototype.

It isn't, says Victor. There's no suggestion of crime.

He has forgotten the paddler.

The paddler enters the Rockpool Café.

He has come for his towel.

......

Sweezus, who has cuts on his feet, gets a lift back to Kingscote with Mayor Clements.

It's a 30 million dollar project, says Mayor Clements. An 18-hole world class championship length golf course. It will be brilliant for Kangaroo Island.

Awesome, says Sweezus. What about the downside?

There is no downside, says Mayor Clements.

.........

Terence is getting a lift back to Kingscote with Victor, in the police car.

This is to mollify the paddler, whose towel was used for unlawful purposes.

He took my costume, says Terence. I'm sad.

It was his towel, says Victor.

The unfairness of this is so apparent that Terence can hardly articulate it.

But he tries.

HE WASN'T EVEN USING IT! shouts Terence.

........

Vello is riding Sweezus's bike back to Kingscote, with Arthur.

What's your opinion? asks Vello.

Nice place, says Arthur. Bit slow.

Not about that, says Vello. The golf course.

Disastrous, says Arthur.

Then why did you say I might endorse it? asks Vello.

To keep things going, says Arthur.

A good enough reason, says Vello.

They ride along in silence.

You know Shu was worried about you? says Vello. He thought you might have been eaten.

He's not my mother, says Arthur.

.......

Back in Kingscote, Shu is staring out of the window of the back packer cabin, idly fingering his stones.

Blood Everywhere Says The Paddler

It was awful, says the paddler.

No doubt, says Victor. Can you elaborate?

Blood everywhere, says the paddler. It's still there. Someone should cover it up with a towel.

I'll do it! says Terence. He picks up a towel.

Not that one! says the paddler.

And where is the body? asks Victor.

They took it away.

This is embarrassing for Victor.

This whole situation.

He only stopped for a cup of tea and a catch up with Gaius and Vello.

And now look.

Dead Dazza has been taken away.

Victor puts his shoes on and walks slowly up to the Rockpool Café.

Mayor Clements has just arrived, having heard the sad tidings.

Lisa is making him a complimentary latte.

I suppose the Town Hall speeches tonight will be cancelled, says Vello.

 Not at all. Life must go on. It will take people's minds off the tragedy, says Mayor Clements.

If you think so, says Vello.

Besides says Mayor Clements. It's important that you endorse the new Golf Course.

Is it? asks Vello, glaring at Sweezus.

Err, yeah, no, says Sweezus. I was gonna ask you first. Actually..... that's why I haven't written it.

I should have thought, says Vello, you would be fully aware of my opinion.

Yeah I am, says Sweezus, but...

I said you might, says Arthur.

You scallywag, says Vello.

Well, are you or aren't you? says Mayor Clements. I can still cancel the meeting, on compassionate grounds.

No, don't do that, says Vello.

Lisa hands Mayor Clements his free latte.

She makes Victor one too.

Everyone is sitting with their feet up, thinking of Dazza, who has already been spirited away.

They are not expecting a small Red Object to appear in the doorway.

Look at me, says Terence. I'm the Bright Red Object. This is my costume.

Everyone, except Lisa, (who knew Dazza), thinks the costume is good.

Bright Red Object That Can't Be Important

Blood on the sand.

Let us pause for a moment and think whose we want it to be.

Okay?

Now let's get on with the story......

Victor looks at the blood which is sticky.

He then glances around.

A paddling dad is nearby, in the water.

Victor gets out his notebook to record an interview.

But wait. He ought first to take off his shoes.

He puts down the notebook.

This thorough policing takes ages........

Where are Vello and Terence meanwhile?

Vello, feeling in need of a coffee, has entered the Rockpool Café, with Terence.

Sweezus and Arthur are inside.

Sweezus is sitting in a chair with both feet up on a table. Lisa is dabbing his cuts.

Arthur is fiddling with knives.

Sweezus, Arthur! says Vello. You're alive!

Yeah, says Sweezus. Lucky for some.

We thought you got EATEN, says Terence.

We nearly got eaten, says Sweezus. But it was some other dude that got eaten.

Yes, says Lisa. Poor old Dazza. Shark got him. He died.

I died, says Terence. I got run over.

Come off it, says Sweezus.

How'd that happen? asks Arthur.

I was teaching Saint Joseph to fly. He kept stopping. All his legs came off.

So he's wingless and legless, says Arthur.

Geez! says Sweezus. He must look like a tube!

He does rather, says Vello.

No he doesn't, says Terence. He's got horns.

Horns are good, says Sweezus. And you didn't die, obviously.

And that goes for you too, says Vello. Now tell me. Have you learned all your lines?

Pr.....etty much, says Sweezus, unconvincingly.

Because we've got two sellout shows this weekend, says Vello. We must return to Adelaide first thing tomorrow morning.

Can I be in it? asks Terence.

Not this year, says Vello. But you can be a stand-in.

It's not fair! says Terence. Can I at least be the Bright Red Object?

I don't remember a Bright Red Object, says Vello.

It's a sheep, says Arthur, who does vaguely remember. It's swimming.

Well, well, says Vello. It can't be very important if I've forgotten it.

Terence glowers.

He stomps out of the Rockpool Café.

He heads down to the beach to join Victor, who has finally got his shoes off and is interviewing the paddler.

About Dazza's blood on the sand.

The Problem Of Suffering

Ring, ring! Hello?

David? says Vello.

Vello! At last! says David. Where the dickens have you been?

Long story, says Vello. I've been, er.... mistaken for Jacques Cousteau, the famous underwater explorer.

You don't need to explain who he IS, says David. But isn't he deceased?

It doesn't seem to matter on Kangaroo Island, says Vello. Life is less frenetic.

All the same, says David. It's either life or it isn't.

I agree entirely, says Vello. But to continue, I was invited to go wreck diving by the Froggs and Dan Diver....

Ha ha, laughs David.

And I left my phone at Stokes Bay, along with my bicycle. So I only just got your message.

Wonderful isn't it! says David.

That is not quite the adjective I had in mind, says Vello. Indecipherable, more like it. What are slout shzs?

Slout shuz? says David. How did I spell it?

SLOUT SHZS says Vello. 2 SLOUT SHZS THS WKND !!

Ah!  says David. I forgot how old fashioned you are. It's the new form of text writing. It's faster.

David, says Vello, it's not faster if it needs explaining. Explain it!

Two sellout shows this weekend!, says David. Simple. Now....

Not so fast, says Vello. How do you get shows out of shzs? Where does the z come from?

Stop fuming, says David. I'm sorry. I was all thumbs, due to excitement. You'll be back tomorrow?

Yes, yes, says Vello.

And Sweezus? says David. Has he learned all his lines for Candide?

Yes, says Vello. Don't worry about anything. We'll see you tomorrow.

Break a leg, says David.

Old fool! says Vello, slamming the phone on the table.

So? says Victor. What did it mean then?

Two sellout shows, says Vello.

Excellent! says Gaius. Well done!

..........

The bad news is that Sweezus ( or even Arthur ) may have been eaten by a shark.

In the circumstances, Victor offers Vello a lift to Stokes Bay.

And me, says Terence.

Okay, says Victor. Let's go.

........

So, you're putting on Candide? says Victor. What's that about?

The problem of suffering, says Vello. It's a comedy.

Doesn't sound very funny, says Victor.

I was in it last year, says Terence.

Really? says Victor. Is there a part for a baby?

I wasn't a baby, says Terence. I was a sleeve.

You weren't a sleeve, says Vello. You were in a sleeve because your costume was too large. You played Doctor Pangloss.

And an otter, says Terence. I remember!

I don't remember an otter, says Vello.

You WROTE it! says Terence. And there were PINS in the sleeve.

Victor is beginning to see how it might be a comedy.

.......

Stokes Bay.

Victor pulls up in the police car.

Gets out of the police car. Races down to the beach.

There aren't that many people around. A few guys out on the water fishing.

A family paddling.

What's this though? Blood on the sand!

When The Laws Don't Apply

Vincent's police car skids to a halt on the Esplanade, where a crowd has gathered.

Vincent leaps out and runs over.

Stand back, says Vincent.

On the ground lies a grey infant. One claw. A piece of string, disappearing under the infant. A peacock feather, moving about.

I didn't see it, says a man. I don't know where it came from.

It? says Vincent. You mean this child?

Cement child, says the man. I don't mind paying for it to be mended.

The crowd murmurs approval.

All right, all right, says Vincent. But first we must establish......

The infant stirs.

Woo, says the infant. I died.

It's alive! says the man.

This changes the equation, says Vincent.

Pick him up, says a woman.

No else one wants to, in case there is spinal damage.

I'll do it, says the woman. I'm Catholic.

OUCH, says Terence.

Ouch! says Saint Joseph-Grasshopper, who is still alive, but now legless.

Sorry, brother, says Terence. Lucky we've still got the string.

Where is your family? asks Vincent.

All over the place, says Terence. But I want my grandpa.

He's Jacques Cousteau's grandson, says a tourist, who was present at the grand civic arrival.

No! says Terence. Not that grandpa!

But no one is listening.

He's staying at the backpackers, says the tourist.

Thank you, says Vincent. That's very helpful.

He gathers up Terence and Saint Joseph-Grasshopper (now more of a tube), and drives round the corner to the backpackers.

Vello, Gaius and Shu are out on the road saying goodbye to Mayor Clements.

See you tonight, says Mayor Clements. I look forward to your speech.

Indeed, says Vello. And thanks for returning my bicycle and phone.

You'll have a few missed calls and messages, says Mayor Clements, getting into his car.

How does he know? mutters Vello.

He checks his phone. Yes, several missed calls and a message from David.

He is about to read the message, when Vincent gets out of his police car.

Vello! cries Vincent. Gaius! Sikong Shu! What are you doing here?

What are YOU doing here? asks Vello.

Dressed as a policeman! says Gaius.

I'm on secondment, says Victor. You know how we get moved around these days...... I'm here to return a damaged infant to Jacques Cousteau. Is he about?

Ahem, says Vello. That will be me. Which damaged infant?

MEEEE! says Terence, emerging. I actually DIED.

He didn't, says Vincent. But he shouldn't have been on his own. He caused an accident.

My accident! says Terence.

And mine, adds the Saint Joseph tube.

Dear me, says Gaius. Come inside and I'll have a look at you. Coming in, Victor?

There's been a shark attack at Stokes Bay, says Victor. A surfer. I should be getting out there. But stopping for a quick cup of tea won't affect the outcome.

What if it's Arthur? cries Shu.

It won't be Arthur, says Gaius. He's too sensible.

But it could well be Sweezus, says Vello. Reckless chap.

They all go inside.

Gaius puts the kettle on.

Now Vello has a chance to look at his message:

2 slout shzs ths wknd!!

What's this ridiculous message? says Vello. Slout shzs?

Oh yes, says Vincent. Slout shzs. Irene and I tried to puzzle it out but we couldn't.

Oh did you? says Vello. Ever heard of the privacy laws?

They don't apply to a policeman in the course of an investigation, says Vincent. In this case the impersonation of a certain Jacques Cousteau.

I'm an ACTOR, says Vello. It's my vocation. In fact that reminds me. Good heavens! What day is it? I must call David.

He finds David's number and calls.

The others stop talking, and listen. They'd all like to know what slout shzs means.

( Except for the Saint Joseph tube. He wouldn't.).

Good Policing. Who Is The SHZS?

Mayor Clements has towed Irene's car back to Windcreens O'Brien. Now he is dropping her off.

Thanks Peter, says Irene. See you tonight at the Town Hall?

You will, says Mayor Clements. See you later, Irene.

Irene heads across to the police station.

Afternoon, Victor, says Irene. You any good at decoding?

Of course I am, says Victor. What have you got for me?

This! says Irene.

She writes upside down on his charge sheet:

2 slout shzs ths wknd !!

Victor frowns. No one writes on his charge sheet.

Well? says Irene.

Victor turns the charge sheet around so he can read it.

Two somethings this weekend, says Victor.

I guessed that much myself, says Irene. But what's SHZS?

Any clues you can give me? asks Victor.

It was on someone's phone. A message from someone called David, says Irene.

David .....hmmm........ says Victor. Is he Jewish?

How do I know? says Irene.

Whose phone is it? asks Victor.

The person who calls himself Jacques Cousteau, says Irene. An imposter.

And how did you come by his phone? asks Victor.

(What a thorough policeman!)

He lost it, says Irene.

Perhaps he'll come by and claim it, says Victor. Then we'll find out who he is.

Victor, says Irene. I don't have it. Mayor Clements has it. He's returning the bike and the phone as we speak.

So you know where he is, says Victor.

Yes, I know where he is, says Irene. He's staying at the backpackers. He's a guest of Mayor Clements. He's here with the chap who goes by the name of David Suzuki.

Did you says Suzuki? says Victor. Perhaps he's the SHZS.

David Suzuki, says Irene. Perhaps he's the David.

Yes, perhaps he's the David, says Victor.

I don't think so, says Irene.

Irene, you are not being helpful, says Victor. Policing is difficult enough without introducing red herrings.

Well, I'll just leave it with you, says Irene. You seem to have plenty of time on your hands.

How annoying Irene can be.

Victor hopes for an imminent crime.

As if in answer to his hopes the phone rings.

A surfer has been attacked by a shark at Stokes Bay!

He is just getting ready to head out there in his police car when the phone rings again.

Traffic accident on the Esplanade at Hogs Bay, involving an infant and a grasshopper.

A grasshopper. That can't be right!

Vincent springs into action.

Irene watches him spring.

Do Stuff Or Don't

Mayor Clements pulls up outside the Rockpool Café at Stokes Bay.

Sweezus and Arthur get out.

Three bikes and two surfboards are still leaning up against the wall.

There, you see, says Mayor Clements. No crime on K I.

Not much, anyway, says Irene.

Pile 'em on and hop in, says Mayor Clements.

Nah, says Sweezus. We'll stay here and do some more surfing. Could you take the boss's bike back?

Okay, says Mayor Clements. I'll be happy to do him a favour, seeing he's doing me one.

Sweezus lifts Vello's bike on to the Ford Escape's roof rack.

Mayor Clements and Irene drive back towards Emu Bay.

Good bike he has, says Mayor Clements to Irene.

They all have, says Irene.

A phone rings faintly above them.

That's weird.

.......

Coolio! says Sweezus. We're free.

Free to do something dangerous, says Arthur.

Wicked! Except..... says Sweezus.

Except what? asks Arthur.

That speech thing, says Sweezus. I got out of it, and you dropped me back in it. What'd you do that for?

I just said it, says Arthur. It's always good to keep your options open.

Arthur, says Sweezus. I just do stuff. Or I don't do stuff.

So do I, says Arthur. But Mayor Clements is happy.

And the boss won't be, says Sweezus, when he finds out about the golf course endorsement. And that I haven't written it.

He likes a challenge, says Arthur.

Whatever.

.........

Ring ring! Ring ring! Now two phones are ringing, up top.

Mayor Clements stops the car. He and Irene get out.

The phones are in a small back pack strapped to Vello's bicycle.

They left their PHONES behind! says Irene. I don't believe it.

She takes the phones out of the back pack.

You shouldn't do that, Irene, says Mayor Clements.

I'm a reporter, says Irene.

Bmmmm!

A message, for Vello.

Irene reads Vello's message, which is from someone called David.

2 slout shzs ths wknd!!

She commits it to memory.

.......

Vello, Shu and Gaius have left the Queenscliff Hotel, and are on their way back to the cabin.

Terence is supposed to be following, but has halted.

Saint Joseph-Grasshopper keeps tripping over his feathers.

His feathers?

Yes, the string has not worked as a flying aid, but may yet turn out useful.

A Day In The Life Of Saint Joseph-Grasshopper

Next morning.

Irene knocks on the door of Gaius's cabin.

Hello, says Irene. Everyone get back okay last night?

Yes, thank you, says Gaius. But some of our team have left their bicycles back at Stokes Bay. It's bit of a problem.

No problem, says Irene. I'm getting a lift with Mayor Clements to Emu Bay to bring back my car. They can come with us. But they have to be ready to leave in ten minutes.

Very kind, says Gaius. Arthur! Sweezus!

Sweezus rolls out of his bean bag.

 

Arthur rolls off the couch. Thump. Squelch.

Hey! says Terence. Watch out for Saint Joseph!

What? Where? says Arthur.

My grasshopper, says Terence. He didn't have a name, so I called him Saint Joseph.

You hated Saint Joseph, says Sweezus, reaching for the kettle.

But he could levitate, says Terence.

Sweezus doesn't like to discourage Saint Joseph-Grasshopper by saying that he couldn't.

.......

Soon Arthur, Sweezus and Irene are in the Ford Escape heading for Stokes Bay with Mayor Clements.

Sweezus is telling Irene and Mayor Clements the story of Saint Joseph-Grasshopper.

Ha ha, laughs Irene. That Terence is a character. He told me Karl Marx is his grandpa.

Not Jacques Cousteau? says Mayor Clements.

No, says Irene. But he told me some other things about Jacques Cousteau that the whole K I community would very much like to know.

Shit! says Sweezus. 

What? says Arthur.

I might as well reveal myself, says Irene. 

Now is as good a time as any, says Mayor Clements.

It is, says Irene. I'm a reporter from The Islander. I've been investigating your Jacques Cousteau, and your David Suzuki, and I know they are not who they say they are.

 So, no speeches? says Sweezus. Good, that let's me off. We can go surfing this arvo.

Nice one, says Arthur.

No, no, says Mayor Clements. We must go ahead with the speeches. 

Come ON! says Sweezus. What's the point now?

We were hoping, says Mayor Clements, that Jacques Cousteau and David Suzuki might endorse our new golf course. 

No way! says Sweezus. It's ecologically irresponsible.

But they might, says Arthur, nudging Sweezus.

Oh ...yeah... I guess they might, agrees Sweezus.

.........

Gaius, Vello and Shu are having lunch in the Queenscliff Hotel, which boasts good pub grub.

Terence has finished his chips and sauce, and gone looking for string.

Saint Joseph-Grasshopper is perched on the table.

A plain sort of grasshopper, says Vello.

Unassuming, says Shu.

Inconspicuous, says Gaius.

Terence comes back with some string.

What's the string for? asks Vello.  Buuurrrrp! Excuse me. There was something wrong with my gummy shark....Waitress!

It's for Saint Joseph, says Terence. 

Where on earth did you get it? asks Gaius. Pubs don't usually have string.

I had some, says the waitress. Ooh! a grasshopper! Whack!

Stop! cries Terence. That's what the string's for!

No grasshoppers on the table, says the waitress.

That's what will happen, says Terence.

It appears Terence is thinking of tying the string to Saint Joseph-Grasshopper and lowering him down from the table.

Saint Joseph-Grasshopper, once he has twigged this, leaps off.

How To Be Inconspicuous

Terence pokes his grasshopper.

Don't poke it, says Gaius. Put it back in the jar.

I'm teaching it to fly, says Terence.

Poking won't work, says Arthur. Drop it off something.

Guys! says Sweezus. No wings ! Remember?

The grasshopper crawls over to Sweezus and climbs up his leg.

Arrgh! Sweezus hates that. He brushes the grasshopper away.

It skitters under the couch.

Terence tries to squeeze in after it.

Coffee? asks Gaius.

Yes, please, says Vello.

Gaius puts on the kettle.

Any plans for tomorrow? asks Gaius.

Better get to work on my speech, says Vello.

You'll have heaps to talk about, says Sweezus. The wreck dive.....

You seem to have enjoyed it, says Vello. How about you earn some holiday money and write my speech for me?

Got to go back to Stokes Bay to pick up the bikes and the surfboards, says Sweezus. And all our other stuff. The Froggs wanted to get back in a hurry. But yeah, okay.

Thank you, says Vello

Terence is under the couch with the grasshopper.

He can see Arthur's feet.

He sees Shu's feet approaching Arthur's feet.

Then the feet walk away.

See that, whispers Terence.

What? clicks the grasshopper.

Feet, says Terence.

It's wings I haven't got, says the grasshopper.

They go up and down, says Terence.

Wings? says the grasshopper.

Feet, says Terence. Pay attention. Are you sad?

I wasn't, says the grasshopper. But now I am. And it's your fault.

No, says Terence. Nothing's my fault. It's your own fault you can't fly.

It wasn't a thing, says the grasshopper. No one in my family has ever.....

Look at my family, says Terence.

I'm looking, says the grasshopper.

Not THEM, says Terence. The Virgin and Saint Joseph.

Where are they? asks the grasshopper.

It doesn't matter, says Terence. My family can't fly either.

But you can? says the grasshopper.

That's not what I'm saying, says Terence.

I wouldn't have believed you, says the grasshopper.

You wouldn't have had to, says Terence.

This is stupid, says the grasshopper.

Wait, says Terence. I was getting to something.

But you've lost it, says the grasshopper.

It's true he has lost it. He's had a big day.

It was about birds, says Terence.

It wasn't.

It was about how his family must have got up to the high spot above the main door of the Sagrada Familia somehow. Even without wings. And if those losers could do it....

Birds! My arch enemies, says the grasshopper.

Mine too, says Terence. Let's be brothers. What's your name?

(What's the betting he doesn't even have one?)

Out Of His Depth

Sweezus, Arthur and Vello are sitting in the dark on the step outside Gaius's backpacker cabin in Kingscote.

Sweezus has just ventured the opinion that it is a headfuck.

It's not that bad, says Arthur.

No bikes, no surfboards, no Terence, says Sweezus. We fucked up bigtime.

It would have helped if we had Irene's number, says Vello.

Yeah, says Sweezus. And our phones.

A bike rolls up and stops in front of the cabin.

Followed by another one.

Gaius and Shu get off.

Greetings! says Gaius. I hope you weren't worried about Terence. He's with us.

He takes off his backpack, and drops it onto the gravel.

Terence steps out.

I had the BEST day, says Terence. I've got a grasshopper.

He holds up the jar.

Sweezus peers in. It's too dark to see anything.

Gaius finds the key to the cabin, and they all go inside.

How was the shipwreck? asks Shu.

Awesome, says Sweezus. The Froggs are like, real professionals....and Arthur wrote a poem underwater.

Shu looks at Arthur. How did it go?

Arthur can't remember. It's on the slate. And the Froggs have still got it.

Something about the sea infused with stars and lactescent, says Sweezus.

Devouring the azure verses, says Vello. It was quite good. It took the heat off.

Heat off? says Gaius.

Me. I felt a bit out of my depth, says Vello. I'm not used to it.

You did okay, says Sweezus. No one suspected you weren't Jacques Cousteau.

As to that, says Gaius, when are we supposed to be giving our talks in the Town Hall?

Tomorrow, says Shu. Tell me, would David Suzuki be likely to talk about stones?

He'll talk about anything, says Sweezus. He's a legend. Are you going to talk about stones?

Well, says Shu, modestly, today I made a significant discovery.

He shows them his fossil eye stones.

The others lean forward to look at them.

Wow! Amazeballs!

The stones are getting too much attention.

What about my grasshopper? says Terence. Look, he's moving.

Terence tips the grasshopper onto the floor.

It lies there recovering from pickle fumes.

It doesn't have wings, observes Arthur.

Yes it does, says Terence. ( He looks). Oh no! It doesn't!

It's a member of the family Eumastacidae, says Gaius. A family of primitive, slender, wingless, short horned grasshoppers.

Poor you, says Terence, to the grasshopper.

The grasshopper tries to look inconspicuous.

What The Cateye Saw

It's dark on the road from Emu Bay to Kingscote.

Dr Yu Liu has a powerful bike light. He switches it on.

Wow, says Irene, from behind him. That's a powerful bike light.

Yes, says Dr Yu Liu. It's a German Airstream Supernova. One of the few that can operate while being recharged from a USB port.  I bought it in Munich.

Munich? says Irene. When were you there?

I work there, says Dr Yu Liu. In the Department of Biology at LMU.

So you're not a Chinese government spy, says Irene.

No more than you are, says Dr Yu Liu.

Terence thinks I am, says Irene.

Shu thinks I am, says Dr Yu Liu.

Shu's not who he says he is, says Irene. Nor is that Jacques Cousteau.

I know, says Dr Yu Liu.

The Flying Pigeon creaks on towards Kingscote......

........


Some distance behind them, Gaius and Shu are also bicycling back to Kingscote.

Terence is in Gaius's back pack, with the grasshopper in the cucumber jar.

An interesting day, but unproductive, says Gaius.

Perhaps if you'd done some digging, says Shu.

Arthur would have found something, says Gaius.

I found something, says Shu.

Why didn't you say so, says Gaius. What is it?

Shu feels in his pockets. Brings out the flat stones.

He holds them out towards Gaius, who wobbles alarmingly in his efforts to see in the darkness.

Hey! says Terence. You're freaking out my grasshopper!

Let's stop for a moment, says Gaius. Hold those stones up in front of my bike light.

The bike light is a cheap Cateye, but it's powerful enough for Gaius to see that Shu has unearthed two well preserved visual surfaces of the eyes of Anomalocaris.

Excellent find! says Gaius. Why didn't you show them to Dr Yu Liu?

Because he thinks he's a spy, says Terence.

Dr Yu Liu isn't a spy, says Gaius. He's a respected biologist and paleontologist, who collaborates in interdisciplinary research projects on paleo-neuroanatomy and paleo-ecology in Germany, the US and China.

Irene's a spy! says Terence.

Oops! Now he's told them.

It was a secret.

Ha ha! laughs Gaius. She is simply a kind-hearted lady.

Why do you think so? asks Shu. Perhaps she is good at dissembling.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

It means seeming to be other than what you are, says Gaius. Did she ask you a lot of questions?

YES! says Terence. She asked me to throw away my parrot's head, because it was smelly.

That's wasn't a question, says Shu.

It certainly wasn't, says Gaius. Did she ask about us, for example?

She asked why I said double no, says Terence.

In answer to what? asks Gaius.

(This is like trying to winkle the last pickled cucumber out of a jar!).

Was Jacques Cousteau my grandpa? says Terence.

And you said double no, says Shu. How did she understand that?

She didn't, says Terence. But she turned something on in her pocket. It went click and whirr.

What? says Shu. How did it sound exactly?

CLICK! and WHIRR!

Everyone knows what that means.

Even the grasshopper.

Overcome By Cucumbers

Irene glares at Shu, who is holding the glass jar which has shattered her windscreen.

What did you do that for? shouts Irene.

Dr Yu Liu and Gaius come running over.

Gaius examines the windscreen, which is indeed broken.

Dr Yu Liu looks inside the jar.

Good! Shu has captured the grasshopper.

I must apologise, madam, says Dr Yu Liu. Shu was following my instructions.

Terence hops out of the car.

Where's the spider? Can I see it? asks Terence.

It's not a spider, says Dr Yu Liu. It's a grasshopper.

I hope it's a valuable one, says Irene. My insurance policy with AAMI doesn't cover windscreens.

It doesn't? says Gaius, surprised.

No, it doesn't, snaps Irene. The policy is very specific.

This is a morabine grasshopper, says Dr Yu Liu, who knows a lot about grasshoppers.

Flightless? says Gaius.

Naturally, says Dr Yu Liu.

Then how did it get onto the windscreen? asks Gaius.

I know! says Terence. It was in the jar already.

No, it wasn't, says Shu. If it was in the jar already why would I smash the jar onto the windscreen?

I know! says Terence. Because of Irene. She's a......

Nonsense, says Irene hastily. The grasshopper probably dropped from a xanthorrhoea. The local grasshoppers eat xanthorrhoeas.

Sure enough, there is a xanthorrhoea nearby(ish).

May I offer you a lift back to Kingscote, Irene? asks Dr Yu Liu. I feel somehow responsible.

Irene looks dubious.

Then she says: Okay. I'll get someone to come back for the car in the morning.

Dr Yu Liu produces the Flying Pigeon, his trusty bicycle.

Irene balances on the rear carrier. It's quite comfy.

They head off towards Kingscote.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. They forgot the grasshopper.

I'll look after it! says Terence.

He picks up the cucumber jar.

The grasshopper, overcome by the scent of pickled cucumbers, is swooning at the bottom.

It doesn't look all that different from when it isn't.

I thought you were with Arthur and Sweezus and Vello, says Gaius, half-remembering the arrangements of the morning.

I went to see a zebu with Irene, says Terence, and THEY went to look at a shipwreck. And they didn't come back. So Irene took me bird spotting, then she brought me here, and now I've got my own grasshopper.

Some days turn out better than expected.

The Grasshopper Brain

When Irene and Terence get back to the Rockpool Café the two bikes and two surfboards are still propped up against the wall.

The Café is closed.

Right! says Irene. That does it! I'm taking you to Emu Bay and leaving you with Gaius.

Good, says Terence. Let's go. This place is unfriendly.

Irene leaves Sweezus's bike propped up against the wall with the others.

She and Terence drive east, in Irene's car, towards Emu Bay.

.......

It's getting dark at the Emu Bay fossil dig site.

Ssü-K'ung Shu is fed up with digging.

Digging, digging......

All he's dug up so far are a few flat stone surfaces imprinted with some sort of coding.

He is not going to give them to Dr Yu Liu ( the Chinese government spy ).

He has shoved them into his pocket.

And now has stopped digging.

It's outrageous. He has done ALL the digging.

Gaius and Dr Yu Liu have been sitting on higher ground.

Talking.

The modern dragonfly, says Dr Yu Liu, has 28,000 lenses in each eye.

Remarkable, says Gaius. A great deal more than Anomalocaris. And of course, many more than the trilobites.

Indeed, says Dr Yu Liu. Oh look!  A grasshopper!

Pardon? says Gaius.

I have just spotted a grasshopper, says Dr Yu Liu. Hey Shu! Come over here!

Ssu-K'ung Shu drops his spade and comes over.

Now what?

Got a jar? asks Dr Yu Liu.

Confucius's balls! Now he's supposed to catch a ridiculous grasshopper!

Shu fetches a jar, from Gaius's back pack.

It once contained pickled cucumbers, but now is empty.

The cucumbers had formed the main part of Gaius's lunch.

Shu creeps around after the grasshopper.

Are you intending to study it? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Dr Yu Liu. It will form part of my study of various aspects of neuroblasts and the architecture of various neuroblast-generated lineages building up the central complex of the grasshopper brain.

Fascinating, says Gaius. But first, catch your grasshopper, eh?

Ha ha, laughs Dr Yu Liu.

Ha ha, laughs Shu, somewhat more bitterly, as he fails once again to keep up with the grasshopper.

The sky darkens, the sea roars and crashes.

Headlights. A car pulls up.

The grasshopper jumps onto the windscreen.

A spider! cries Terence.

Crack! A cucumber jar slams down on the windscreen on top of the spider.

Which isn't a spider.

The windscreen is shattered.

Irene gets out.

She looks angry.