When The Laws Don't Apply

Vincent's police car skids to a halt on the Esplanade, where a crowd has gathered.

Vincent leaps out and runs over.

Stand back, says Vincent.

On the ground lies a grey infant. One claw. A piece of string, disappearing under the infant. A peacock feather, moving about.

I didn't see it, says a man. I don't know where it came from.

It? says Vincent. You mean this child?

Cement child, says the man. I don't mind paying for it to be mended.

The crowd murmurs approval.

All right, all right, says Vincent. But first we must establish......

The infant stirs.

Woo, says the infant. I died.

It's alive! says the man.

This changes the equation, says Vincent.

Pick him up, says a woman.

No else one wants to, in case there is spinal damage.

I'll do it, says the woman. I'm Catholic.

OUCH, says Terence.

Ouch! says Saint Joseph-Grasshopper, who is still alive, but now legless.

Sorry, brother, says Terence. Lucky we've still got the string.

Where is your family? asks Vincent.

All over the place, says Terence. But I want my grandpa.

He's Jacques Cousteau's grandson, says a tourist, who was present at the grand civic arrival.

No! says Terence. Not that grandpa!

But no one is listening.

He's staying at the backpackers, says the tourist.

Thank you, says Vincent. That's very helpful.

He gathers up Terence and Saint Joseph-Grasshopper (now more of a tube), and drives round the corner to the backpackers.

Vello, Gaius and Shu are out on the road saying goodbye to Mayor Clements.

See you tonight, says Mayor Clements. I look forward to your speech.

Indeed, says Vello. And thanks for returning my bicycle and phone.

You'll have a few missed calls and messages, says Mayor Clements, getting into his car.

How does he know? mutters Vello.

He checks his phone. Yes, several missed calls and a message from David.

He is about to read the message, when Vincent gets out of his police car.

Vello! cries Vincent. Gaius! Sikong Shu! What are you doing here?

What are YOU doing here? asks Vello.

Dressed as a policeman! says Gaius.

I'm on secondment, says Victor. You know how we get moved around these days...... I'm here to return a damaged infant to Jacques Cousteau. Is he about?

Ahem, says Vello. That will be me. Which damaged infant?

MEEEE! says Terence, emerging. I actually DIED.

He didn't, says Vincent. But he shouldn't have been on his own. He caused an accident.

My accident! says Terence.

And mine, adds the Saint Joseph tube.

Dear me, says Gaius. Come inside and I'll have a look at you. Coming in, Victor?

There's been a shark attack at Stokes Bay, says Victor. A surfer. I should be getting out there. But stopping for a quick cup of tea won't affect the outcome.

What if it's Arthur? cries Shu.

It won't be Arthur, says Gaius. He's too sensible.

But it could well be Sweezus, says Vello. Reckless chap.

They all go inside.

Gaius puts the kettle on.

Now Vello has a chance to look at his message:

2 slout shzs ths wknd!!

What's this ridiculous message? says Vello. Slout shzs?

Oh yes, says Vincent. Slout shzs. Irene and I tried to puzzle it out but we couldn't.

Oh did you? says Vello. Ever heard of the privacy laws?

They don't apply to a policeman in the course of an investigation, says Vincent. In this case the impersonation of a certain Jacques Cousteau.

I'm an ACTOR, says Vello. It's my vocation. In fact that reminds me. Good heavens! What day is it? I must call David.

He finds David's number and calls.

The others stop talking, and listen. They'd all like to know what slout shzs means.

( Except for the Saint Joseph tube. He wouldn't.).