Stage One - The Fly And The Fly Bottle

Tuesday. The Tour Down Under teams assemble in Port Adelaide.

Bang!

They head north along the Port River Expressway past scenic views of pastures and vineyards, and rusting machinery.

André Greipel is determined to win today. So is Caleb Ewan.

Team Philosophe merely want to do creditably.

Ludwig Wittgenstein is the problem. He is lagging behind, looking vacant.

Gaius, says Vello, drop back, will you. Hurry him up.

Gaius drops back.

How are the legs? asks Gaius.

CRAN! shouts Wittgenstein. It's driving me mad.

Never heard of it, says Gaius. What is it?

That's just it, says Wittgenstein. Is it a stratagem?

What do you know of stratagems? asks Gaius.

NOTHING! says Wittgenstein. I heard some chaps say it. Develop the CRAN.

Slow down! says Gaius.

Is that wise? asks Wittgenstein. Surely the object is to...

As if to prove that the object is to go faster, Daniel Hoegaard speeds by.

Followed by the two Izagirres.

Richie Porte thunders past, and Diego Ulissi.

Why have we stopped when the others are passing? asks Wittgenstein

To clear up this business of CRAN, says Gaius. One should never let a question go unanswered.

He takes out his phone.

Sweezus and Arthur zoom past.

What's up? yells Sweezus.

But he doesn't wait for an answer.

They are nearly at Humbug Scrub, and Sweezus badly wants King of the Mountain.

CRAN, says Gaius. Here we are. It is one of two things.

Which one? asks Ludwig.

I'll let you decide, says Gaius. Get back on your bike. We've lost enough time as it is.

Aie! says Ludwig. Show the fly the way out of the fly bottle!

Pardon? says Gaius.

The aim of philosophy, says Ludwig.

CRAN, says Gaius, ignoring him, is either Calorie Restriction with Adequate Nutrition, or a measurement of uncleaned landed herring.

Wittgenstein is not used to being beaten in the bamboozle department.

But he is bamboozled now.

He rides through Humbug Scrub, like a stunned mullet.

Gaius rides freely.

He thinks, of the two CRANS, it's most likely the herring.

Wittgenstein rides harder. The harder he rides the faster he goes. This makes basic sense. Perhaps that is the best way to view it. Don't think of the CRAN.

He sweats. His legs hurt. He catches up to Vello and David.

Good man! cries Vello.

Of course it doesn't help anyone really.

The winner of Stage One is......André Greipel!