First World Problems

Candide.

It is dark in the tent.

The lights come up.

Vello comes on.

The story so far, says Vello. Candide and Martin have reached Padua and are dining tonight at an inn.

There are five Kings in the dining room, each with a different Sad Story.

The part of the Kings will be played by an infant, the Sad Stories by different potatoes.

I must ask you to turn your mobile phones off.

And enjoy the production!

Applause.

He goes off and comes back on again with David. They sit at a table.

Silence.

Terence comes on. He is wearing the purple silk shirt that Belle found in the cupboard. He looks like a magician. He is holding a stick.

On the end of the stick, dangling by a string is a potato.

Gentlemen, says Candide (Vello). How do you come to be Kings?

Terence: Here is my Sad Story.

Potato: My name is Achmet the Third. My nephew dethroned me and had the throats of my viziers cut.

Candide: That wasn't you.

Potato: Wasn't it?

Candide (in a stage whisper): It's the wrong potato.

Muffled laughter.

Terence: Woo! Sorry.

Terence walks off stage fast with the wrong potato, and comes back with what could be a different potato.

Second Potato: My name is Charles Edward, King of England.The hearts of my followers were torn out and used to beat their faces.

Audience member: It's the same potato!

Katherine: Shhh!

Terence goes off, and returns with two potatoes.

Third Potato: I am King Ivan of Poland. I have lost my hereditary dominions.

Fourth Potato: Me too. I lost my kingdom twice and now submit to providence.

Terence goes off, with the two potatoes.

He returns with the Red Parrot Potato, the final Sad Story.

Red Parrot Potato: I am King Theodore. Cooked in a campfire, rescued, expert at maths. I got ONE sum wrong. Now I haven't a farthing to my name and have scarcely a servant.

First world problems! shouts Raelene.

Raelene! says Margaret.

The audience erupts into laughter.

Looks like Vello's production of Candide will be a success.