The One With The Flowers

Roo-kai returns to the camper.

Gaius and Wittgenstein are already sleeping.

He reports back to Terence.

They're sleeping, says Roo-kai.

Let's go! says Terence. 

Okay, says Roo-kai. We should leave a note though.

Can you write? asks Terence.

No, says Roo-kai.

Neither can I, says Terence.

You can do maps, says Roo-kai. And arrows.

But we don't know where we're going, says Terence. Wait till we come back.

Too late then, says Roo-kai.

Stop causing trouble, says Terence.

They head to the trail by the river.

Listen for screaming, says Terence.

They listen. 

Auk Auk!

That's him, says Terence. Now what shall I say?

You usually come up with something, says Roo-kai.

Yes, but I want to be juicy, says Terence.

Cordial, says Roo-kai. 

So what's a good greeting? asks Terence.

Prithee, says Roo-kai.

That's really good, says Terence. Then what?

Prithee, forgive me for the other two times, says Roo-kai.

When it all went pear-shaped, says Terence.

You know about pear-shaped? says Roo-kai.

It's what things go for Sweezus, says Terence. He told me.

Well you don't need to mention that, says Roo-kai. 

Auk Auk!

Woop! says Terence. He's here!

Yes I am, says the Screaming Tree Frog. Third time lucky.

Prithee, says Terence.

Okay, says the Screaming Tree Frog. I was listening. I forgive you. 

What did you want to ask me? asks Terence.

Nothing, says the Screaming Tree Frog. I wanted to ask the old guy.

Which one? asks Terence.

The first one, says the Screaming Tree Frog. The one you were with.

That was Gaius, says Terence. He's sleeping. Tell us your question.

Why have I never met a Slender Bleating Tree Frog? says the Screaming Tree Frog.

What a good question, says Roo-kai. Why don't you come to the camper in the morning, and ask Gaius.

I will, says the Screaming Tree Frog. Which one is your camper?

The one with the flowers, says Roo-kai.

And the snoring, says Terence. And us, waiting for you outside.

The Upside Has A Downside

It's late, says Haruki. I'd best be going. Thanks for a great evening.

Thanks for the oysters and beer, says Gaius.

And nothing for me, says Terence.

Terence, says Gaius. Go and see where Roo-kai is.

Terence climbs into the camper, which is where Roo-kai was.

Goodbye, Haruki, says Wittgenstein. 

Goodbye, says Haruki. If you change your mind about buying a Nissan, you realise you could trade in this camper?

No, he couldn't, says Gaius. It's not his.

Well, you could, says Haruki. 

It's not mine either. says Gaius. It belongs to a surfing friend of another colleague.

Which reminds me, says Wittgenstein. The Mazda's not back yet.

What's this about a Mazda? asks Haruki.

I hired a Mazda, says Wittgenstein. But two of our party have gone off in it.

To the coast, says Gaius. They'll probably turn up in the morning.

A Mazda, says Haruki. It's probably broken down.

Nonsense, says Gaius. And if it has it will be covered by insurance.

Yes, says Wittgenstein. It will be.

Horses for courses, says Haruki, and heads off on foot.

I can't find Roo-kai! cries Terence, sticking his head out of the door of the camper.

He'll be somewhere nearby, says Gaius. Come back out. You can search the campsite, while Ludwig and I set up our bunks.

I need a torch, says Terence.

There are plenty of lights, says Gaius. Try the amenities.

Terence goes off,  without a torch, towards the amenities.

Roo-kai is perched on a bench, near the gents.

I felt a bit nauseous, says Roo-kai. Those oyster-tainted walnuts. I'm better now.

Did you vomit? asks Terence.

Several times, says Roo-kai. Do I look pale?

No, you look like a parrot, says Terence.

Kind of you to say so, says Roo-kai. How did the frog expedition go?

We found the same one twice, says Terence. 

Where is it? asks Roo-kai. 

It went off again, says Terence. It said next time it wanted more cordiality.

I suppose you think that's a concentrated fruit juice, says Roo-kai. 

Why? asks Terence.

Don't you? asks Roo-kai.

No, says Terence. 

It's friendly politeness, says Roo-kai.

That explains everything, says Terence. Hey! Want to come with me and find it? You have friendly politeness.

Okay, says Roo-kai. But we should tell Gaius first.

Terence doesn't think they need to but Roo-kai insists.

This is the downside of friendly politeness.

Hope Away

Why don't you call him? asks Haruki.

He might not like it, says Wittgenstein. He might be just about to creep up on something.

I'll call him, says the Screaming Tree Frog.

Auk-Auk!

Why didn't I think of that? says Wittgenstein.

You could never have thought of that, says the Screaming Tree Frog.

Not of calling him myself in that manner, but of asking you to do it, says Wittgenstein.

I would have thought of it anyway, says the Screaming Tree Frog.

Hush! says Haruki. I think I hear a muffled footfall.

Crush crush. Yes, a muffled footfall. 

CRUSH CRUSH! A louder footfall.

Gaius and Terence appear out of the darkness.

There you are, Ludwig! says Gaius. You took your time.

No need to be snappy, says Wittgenstein. Look what we've brought you.

I hope you don't mean me, says the Screaming Tree Frog.

It's FROGGY! cries Terence. We heard him screaming.

The same Froggy? says Gaius. I was hoping for another.

Hope away, says the Screaming Tree Frog.

Hop away yourself, says Terence.

Hope, says the Screaming Tree Frog. Not hop.

You can't hope AWAY, says Terence.

Is there a reason for your reappearance? asks Gaius.

Yes, says the Screaming Tree Frog. I want to ask you something. But we seem to have got off on the wrong foot.

That's twice now, says Gaius.

Exactly, says the Screaming Tree Frog. So I'll be off. Next time we meet, I expect cordiality.

The Screaming Tree Frog once again disappears into a dark leafy corner, to look for a spider, eat it and then climb up a tree.

Curses! says Gaius. I didn't mean to insult it.

It knew of the Nissan Dealership, says Haruki.

So it gets about, says Gaius. We may meet it again. I'm curious as to what it wanted to ask me

Let's stay out here all night! says Terence.

No, says Gaius. We'll head back to the camper. 

Maybe it wanted a car, says Terence.

Then it would have asked Haruki, says Gaius. Not me.

A pencil, says Terence. 

I doubt it, says Gaius. What would a Screaming Tree Frog do with a pencil?

Draw babies, says Terence.

By now they have moved so far down the trail in the direction of the campsite that we can no longer hear them.

Which is just as well.

Exhausting The Subject

Gaius and Terence have moved further into the dark forest.

Wittgenstein and Haruki trail far behind them.

Still talking about parallels between cars and oysters.

Minerals, says Haruki, such as copper, zinc, magnesium, iron.

Point taken, says Wittgenstein.

A mantle, says Haruki. Which is a covering.

The hood, says Wittgenstein. And the windows.

Not windows, says Haruki. Not in an oyster.

I should not have extrapolated, says Wittgenstein.

And finally, says Haruki, the Nissan logo.

Wittgenstein cannot immediately bring to mind the Nissan logo.

It's shaped like an oyster, says Haruki. Stop, I'll show you.

He finds a twig and draws the Nissan logo in the dirt.

It could just as well be a hamburger, says Wittgenstein.

The over-simplification of graphics, says Haruki. Did you hear screaming?

Yes, nearby, says Wittgenstein. 

They stop in their tracks, and listen.

Nothing doing, says Haruki.

Are you the same fellows? asks a croaky frog voice.

Who else might we be? asks Wittgenstein.

Different fellows, says the Screaming Tree Frog.

That frog speaks, says Wittgenstein.

I know, says Haruki. It's not normal.

I know it's not normal, says the Screaming Tree Frog. I'm looking for a man and an infant.

So are we, says Wittgenstein. I suppose this means you haven't seen them.

Quite the opposite, says the Screaming Tree Frog. I have seen them, been insulted, gone off in a huff, bethought myself, and now I can't find them.

Come with us, says Wittgenstein. They are our colleagues.

All right, says the Screaming Tree Frog. I have something to ask them.

They continue.

Keep talking, if you like, says the Screaming Tree Frog. I'm easy.

We had exhausted the subject, says Haruki. I think I proved my point though.

What was it? asks the Screaming Tree Frog.

There exist parallels between a car and an oyster, says Haruki.

Are you from that Nissan dealership in Taree? asks the Screaming Tree Frog. Under the giant oyster?

I am, says Haruki.

Small world, says the Screaming Tree Frog.

And yet we cannot locate our colleagues, says Wittgenstein.

Grimly, they plod (and hop) onward.

Bleating And Screaming Are Different

Dash it! says Gaius. I should have brought a torch.

I can see in the dark, says Terence. Look. There's a tree.

I can see that, says Gaius. It's the small things, in the dark corners, that I can't see.

Let's be quiet, says Terence, and maybe we'll hear them.

They've stopped screaming, says Gaius. Which must mean that they're near.

I know! says Terence. Let's say interesting things, and they'll hear us and come even nearer.

Worth a try, says Gaius. I'll start. Well now, Terence, did you know that the Slender Bleating Tree Frog and the Screaming Tree Frog were once thought to be one and the same?

How could that happen? asks Terence.

Carelessness, says Gaius. 

So now there are two of them, says Terence. Are they married?

Interesting that you should ask that foolish question, says Gaius.

Why? asks Terence. Aren't they married?

You ask as if you think there are only two of them, says Gaius.

You said it, says Terence. There was one frog that was careless and split into two frogs.

Two different species, says Gaius. And as you know, or perhaps you do not know, being an infant, that two different species cannot mate and produce viable offspring.

What's a viable offspring? asks Terence.

A Screaming Tree Frog, lurking nearby, is wondering the same.

Tadpoles, followed by froglets, that grow to maturity, says Gaius.

Babies! screams the Screaming Tree Frog.

Did you hear that? asks Terence.

I could hardly miss it, says Gaius. Show yourself, Screaming Tree Frog, we will not hurt you.

The Screaming Tree Frog shows itself, on the trunk of a slender eucalyptus. A male frog, lemon yellow, with a bright yellow vocal sac.

At last! says Gaius. May I take a photo?

No, says the Screaming Tree Frog. 

Did you know you can't ever get married? asks Terence.

That was not quite what he said, says the Screaming Tree Frog.

No it wasn't, says Gaius. But our ruse was successful.

What ruse? asks the Screaming Tree Frog.

To draw you out, says Gaius.

So that about Slender Bleating Tree Frogs was rubbish? asks the Screaming Tree Frog.

No that part was correct, says Gaius.

The part about no babies? asks the Screaming Tree Frog.

Correct also, says Gaius. But getting married, I imagine that is not something you aspire to.

No. Is it something you aspire to? asks the Screaming Tree Frog.

Certainly not, says Gaius. 

Me either, says Terence.

Ha ha, laughs the Screaming Tree Frog. You're too young to get married!

And you're too froggy, says Terence.

Oho! says the Screaming Tree Frog. That's not what you implied earlier.

I wouldn't bother trying to outwit Terence, says Gaius. 

The Screaming Tree Frog stiffens. He hears the shrill cry of a cricket.

Or pretends to.

He disappears into one of the many dark corners.

Pi-face and Piffy

Shall we eat outside? asks Wittgenstein. It's cramped in the camper.

Excellent idea, says Gaius. Of course, we won't have a table.

Or seats, says Haruki. But what does it matter?

They take their fried fish, Waldorf salad and beer outside, and sit on the grass, near the camper.

Excellent barramundi, says Haruki.

I concur, says Gaius.

It grows darker.

There is a faint sound of screaming, far away in the trees.

Anyone for a night expedition? asks Gaius. 

ME! cries Terence.

Anyone else? asks Gaius.

Haruki and Wittgenstein seem reluctant.

You go, says Wittgenstein. We'll come along later.

Still following up the subject of parallels? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Haruki, there are several I have not introduced yet.

You can talk as you walk, says Gaius.

Won't that frighten the tree frogs? asks Wittgenstein.

No! says Terence. Gaius and me will go first.

And how will that help? asks Wittgenstein.

We know frogs, says Terence. Remember Pi-face and Piffy?

Ah yes, says Gaius. The Riobamba tree frogs. Sad story. All those dead froglets.

Very well, says Wittgenstein. All right, Haruki?

Sure, says Haruki.

He grabs another beer, and pops the top.

Wittgenstein also grabs one.

Gaius and Terence have already departed.

Roo-kai remains behind to pick at the leftovers.

Let us continue, says Wittgenstein, as they follow a walking trail beside the Dawson River.

Adductors, says Haruki.

He explains that an oyster has adductor muscles which draw parts of the body towards a median line.

And where is the parallel in a car? asks Wittgenstein.

Try to think of one, says Haruki.

Why? Does he not have an answer?

Wittgenstein tries to think of one for himself.

What is the median line in a vehicle? What draws towards it? The wheels? No, the wheels move forward in parallel. Perhaps there is no definitive answer.

The sound of screaming grows louder. Then stops abruptly.

Wittgenstein and Haruki move forward, towards a fixed point.

Allowing Certain Things In And Out

Roo-kai returns to the camper.

Any luck? asks Gaius.

One or two, says Roo-kai. 

One or two what? asks Terence. 

Two oysters says Roo-kai. That's all I could find. 

We have oysters, says Gaius. Haruki was kind enough to bring them.

Yes, please have one, says Haruki.

Have mine, says Terence. I don't want it.

Roo-kai seizes the oyster which lies in front of Terence. 

Uh! Looks like it's been opened, and closed again. 

Never mind. Roo-kai is hungry.

Creak. He re-opens the oyster and is about to spear the soft oyster flesh with his beak.

But it isn't an oyster! A walnut is nestling inside.

Where's the oyster? asks Roo-kai.

Here, says Terence, and here.

He shows Roo-kai two walnut shell halves, each containing half an oyster.

How did you do that? asks Roo-kai.

With a knife, says Terence.

You're not allowed a knife, says Roo-kai.

What's this? asks Gaius.

Nothing, says Terence. Keep talking.

Roo-kai has eaten both halves of the oyster. No evidence remains of Terence using the knife.

Gaius returns to the conversation, which has moved on from hinges to valves.

Yes, says Haruki, another example of the parallels between cars and oysters.

I see it, says Gaius. An oyster is a bivalve. The two halves of the shell are called valves. Their function is to allow certain things in and out.

Like a walnut, says Roo-kai.

No, not like a walnut, says Gaius.

Then how do you explain this? asks Wittgenstein, indicating Terence's walnut in its oyster shell.

Terence must have done it, says Gaius. Nothing to do with the valve's true function.

And the valves in a car? asks Wittgenstein. What is their function?

Intake and exhaust, says Haruki. The intake valve allows the fuel-air mixture into the combustion chamber. The exhaust valve releases the burnt mixture into the exhaust pipe.

Impressive, says Wittgenstein. Shall I start frying the fish now?

Go for it, says Haruki. I'll crack open a few beers.

Wittgenstein looks for the knife, to cut the barramundi into manageable pieces. There it is. With bits of oyster flesh on it.

But this is not remarkable.

He wipes the knife on a tea towel, and starts cutting the fish.

Its Own Little Cupboard

Gaius starts making the Waldorf salad.

Can I have the shells? asks Terence.

Yes, if you keep them together, says Gaius.

He has cracked a few walnuts open. One or two have split neatly. 

I bought barramundi, says Wittgenstein. Most people like barramundi.

They do, says Gaius. How will you cook it?

Fry it, says Wittgenstein. I hope there's a pan.

He opens more cupboards.

Haruki arrives, with the oysters.

Good to see you, Haruki, says Gaius. Are these local oysters?

Of course, says Haruki. What's this? Barra?

Yes, says Wittgenstein. .

Great, says Haruki. I've also brought lemons and beer.

Sit down, make yourself at home, says Gaius. Perhaps you could help shell some walnuts.

Certainly, says Haruki. He takes several walnuts and cracks them in half. 

Brain food, says Haruki, thrusting a walnut at Terence.

I don't need brain food, says Terence. Can I have the shells?

Here, says Haruki.

I'm giving them hinges, says Terence.

Walnuts don't have hinges! says Haruki. Oysters have hinges. Allow me to show you.

He takes the sharp knife, and inserts it into the shell of an oyster.

Crurrk! Squee! 

See there, that's the hinge, says Haruki.

He opens and closes the oyster.

Just like a car door, says Haruki.

Or a cupboard, says Terence.

Smart kid, says Haruki.

Shall we eat the oysters before I start frying the barramundi? asks Wittgenstein.

Can I have one? asks Terence.

Sure. Have this one, says Haruki.

Terence now has his own oyster.

He picks up a walnut.

The walnut would fit into the shell of the oyster, if the oyster came out.

The walnut would then have its own little cupboard.

The grownups are tucking into their oysters.

They don't notice what Terence has done.

That Is A Parachute

Wittgenstein and Terence return to the camper, with the shopping.

Gaius is already there.

Any frogs? asks Wittgenstein.

Not yet, says Gaius. Perhaps later on, in the evening.

We met our guest in the supermarket, says Wittgenstein.

Did you discuss dinner? asks Gaius.

We did, says Wittgenstein. He plans to bring oysters.

Roo-kai will be happy, says Gaius.

Guess what? says Terence. He's called Haruki.

I'll try and remember that, says Gaius.

And he's pretending he isn't an otter, says Terence.

I met him, says Gaius. He isn't an otter.

No he isn't, says Wittgenstein. Look, I bought walnuts.

For the salad? says Gaius. Well done, Ludwig. I forgot to mention the walnuts.

I hope we have enough plates, says Wittgenstein.

He starts opening cupboards.

That reminds me, says Wittgenstein. Hinges.

What about hinges? asks Gaius.

One of the parallels, says Wittgenstein. Neat, isn't it?

I'm not with you, says Gaius.

It's like an umbrella, says Terence. You float down to earth under it. 

That is a PARACHUTE, says Wittgenstein. I knew you had no idea.

A parallel is a similarity, says Gaius. As Ludwig has mentioned hinges, I'll use hinges as an example. These cupboards have hinges. As does this walnut.

He picks up a walnut.

I don't think walnuts have hinges, says Wittgenstein. You crack them open and they come apart, into two halves, unattached by hinges.

If you're lucky, says Gaius. About the two parts.

He tries to crack the walnut, with a knife handle.

But the walnut remains intact, as an example of its own singularity.

On reflection, a walnut is a not a good example, says Gaius. But if I could just crack it open, and if it should fall fortuitously into two parts, I could join the two parts together with a wire filament, which would then demonstrate the parallel.

Surely you have better things to do, says Wittgenstein.

I certainly do, says Gaius.

Hinges On The Way To The Fish

You asked him to dinner? says Gaius. 

I did, says Wittgenstein. On the spur of the moment.

That is all very well, says Gaius, but what shall we give him?

Not oysters, says Wittgenstein. That would be crass.

I'm glad you think so, says Gaius. What time is he coming?

Seven, says Wittgenstein. Plenty of time to go shopping.

They check in to the Dawson River campsite which is just up the road.

The Dawson River runs by it. 

Campers float on the Dawson River, in canoes.

You go shopping, says Gaius. I'll wander about through the trees.

Fine, says Wittgenstein. Any preferences? 

Fish, says Gaius. Apples, celery. A good mayonnaise. 

Strawberries, says Terence.

Don't worry about me, says Roo-kai. I'll find my own dinner.

Roo-kai heads for the river.

Gaius heads for the trees.

Wittgenstein and Terence go shopping.

At the supermarket, who should they meet but the dealer?

Hello, says the dealer. What can I bring to the dinner? Who likes oysters?

My parrot, says Terence.

I'm sure he does, says the dealer. But what about you?

I only eat red things, says Terence.

I like red things , says the dealer. Red is my favourite car colour. 

We're thinking of fish, says Wittgenstein. And perhaps, a nice Waldorf salad.

Excellent, says the dealer. By the way, my name is Haruki.

Ludwig, says Ludwig. And the other gentleman is Gaius. 

Yes, the frog man, says Haruki.

Are you an otter? asks Terence.

Wittgenstein laughs.

No, says Haruki. I'm not an otter. What makes you ask?

Haruki, says Terence.

A Japanese name does not make a person an otter, says Wittgenstein. Imagine if all the Japanese people were otters. 

There would be no Nissans, says Haruki. Otters could never build Nissans.

There, you see, Terence, says Wittgenstein. Haruki is not an otter. And now, we must find the fish counter.

It's over there, says Haruki. I must say, I'm looking forward to our dinner.

So am I, says Wittgenstein. I am intrigued by your claim there are parallels between cars and oysters.

And otters, says Terence.

There are no parallels there, says Haruki.

You said they can't build them, says Terence.

Perhaps Terence doesn't know what a parallel is, says Wittgenstein.

I do, says Terence. So don't tell me.

Would you like me to tell you one of the parallels, for you to think about? asks Haruki.

No, says Terence.

Yes, says Wittgenstein. Please do.

Hinges, says Haruki.

Wittgenstein thanks Haruki, nods thoughtfully, and thinks about hinges, on his way to the fish counter.

No Disconnect, Many Parallels

Upstairs, in the World's Largest Oyster, Wittgenstein, Gaius and Terence look out over Taree.

Roo-kai hops around looking at cars.

Someone should at least show an interest.

Keep an eye on your bird, says the dealer. Don't want any scratches on our brand new Nissans.

Or bird poo, says Terence, turning round.

Or that, says the dealer. 

I object to the implication, says Roo-kai. 

He's my parrot, says Terence. He won't scratch or poo.

I'm the only one with any interest, says Roo-kai. How much is this one?

Never mind, says the dealer. You're not really interested are you?

No, I'm not, says Roo-kai. 

And you're no parrot, says the dealer.

I am currently acting as a parrot, says Roo-kai.

But you are in reality an oystercatcher, says the dealer.

I am, says Roo-kai. 

Are you here for the oysters? asks the dealer.

To be honest, I'm here for the frogs, says Roo-kai.

Gaius turns to Roo-kai and the dealer.

Are there oysters? asks Gaius.

Are there oysters! says the dealer. Why do you think someone built this?

He gestures towards the oyster-shaped ceiling.

We pull three million oysters a year from our rivers, says the dealer.

Where are they? asks Terence.

Up the road, says the dealer.

And the frogs? asks Gaius. 

Same, says the dealer. But no one eats frogs.

We are here to look for Screaming Tree Frogs, says Gaius. Is there a campsite nearby from which we might begin our investigations?

Up the road, says the dealer. Dawson River.

Thank you, says Gaius. Very useful. Coming, Ludwig?

In a moment, says Wittgenstein. 

Ah, says the dealer, you strike me as a Nissan Patrol man. Let me show you....

Thank you, says Wittgenstein. But I'm only interested in the disconnect between the cars and the oysters.

No disconnect, says the dealer. There are many parallels between Nissans and oysters.

Would you care to elaborate? asks Wittgenstein.

I would, says the dealer, but I see a customer who looks more interested in Nissans than you are.

It's true. A customer has come up the stairs, looking interested in the Nissans.

Join us for dinner, says Wittgenstein. We can speak further,

Where? asks the dealer.

Dawson River, says Wittgenstein. We're in the flowery camper. Come by at seven.

Done, says the dealer. 

Inside The Oyster

They pass through Coolongolook, without stopping.

Taree is the next town, says Gaius.

Good, says Wittgenstein. Where are we staying?

At the side of the road, says Gaius. Preferably near cool dark woodland, or forest, or wetland or heath.

You are obviously thinking of tree frogs, says Wittgenstein. 

What are you thinking of? asks Gaius. 

Amenities, says Wittgenstein. A proper camp site.

What am I thinking of? asks Terence.

I'm sure you will tell us, says Gaius.

The World's Largest Mistake, says Terence. 

Which is? asks Gaius.

Too many people, says Wittgenstein.

I'm asking Terence, says Gaius. He will hardly be thinking of too many people.

No, says Terence. It's a Giant Oyster. Sweezus saw it.

Yes, I remember you mentioned a large something, says Gaius. You said it had frightened the tree frogs away.

I made up that part, says Terence.

I thought so, says Gaius.

They drive down the main street of Taree.

And there, above a car dealership, sits the World's Largest Oyster.

Strange, says Wittgenstein. Using an oyster. Who'd like to stop and investigate?

Me, says Terence. 

Me, says Roo-kai.

All right, sighs Gaius. 

Wittgenstein parks the camper out the front. They go into the dealership.

A dealer comes quickly towards them.

These people look ripe for a sale, thinks the dealer.

Looking for something a bit more upmarket? asks the dealer. 

No, says Wittgenstein. We have stepped in to ask about your oyster.

It doubles as an upstairs showroom, says the dealer. Come on up. 

He leads them upstairs.

Disappointingly, it does not look much like an oyster, on the inside.

And the cars are ridiculously expensive.

E is E

Let's keep playing, says Terence.

No, says Gaius. Not without an improvement.

I'm working on an improvement, says Wittgenstein. 

What's wrong with cannot but be? asks Terence.

The answer has little to do with the question, says Wittgenstein.

That's why it's tricky, says Terence.

I'll play it with you, says Roo-kai.

Yay! says Terence. What if you were a beetroot?

That's a good one, says Roo-kai. Do I give the answer, or you?

You, says Terence. And if you get it wrong, I'll give you the answer.

What if I were a beetroot......? ponders Roo-kai.

You only get ten seconds, says Terence.

This is new, says Gaius.

It's a improvement, says Terence.

Cannot but be! says Roo-kai.

Cannot but be a beetroot, says Terence. But good try. Now you ask me one.

I've got one, says Wittgenstein. It's a work in progress, so don't expect too much.

Go on, says Roo-kai. I'm still thinking.

What two letters come after A in the alphabet? asks Wittgenstein.

Easy, says Terence.

Close, says Wittgenstein. E-is-E. But that's not the answer.

Why is E-is-E close? asks Gaius.

Double letters involved, says Wittgenstein.

I don't believe this! says Gaius. The answer is B and C

No! Two Bs is the answer, says Wittgenstein.

How can that be? asks Gaius.

Cannot but Be B, says Wittgenstein. B B. What do you think?

I think you have overthought it, says Gaius. What do you think, Terence?

How come he knows? asks Terence.

Knows what? asks Gaius.

Baby B-B says Terence. 

Ah! says Gaius. Terence once had a bristlebird he called Baby B-B. 

How was I to know that? asks Wittgenstein.

You weren't, says Gaius. It was coincidental.

Cannot but B B-B! says Roo-kai.

What's that the answer to? asks Terence.

Nothing, says Roo-kai.

Dear me, says Gaius. We must have missed Bulahdulah!

Why do you say that? asks Wittgenstein.

Because here we are at Coolongolook already, says Gaius.

Who would have thought it?

At least cannot but be is useful for passing the time.

Two Bees In A Jam Jar

Terence is bored.

He keeps snapping his bracelet.

Only three hours to go, says Gaius. And we'll be in Taree.

Snap snap, goes Terence.

But before that, says Gaius, we shall pass mountains, rivers  and freshwater lakes.

Snap, snap.

Bulahdulah Mountain, for example, says Gaius.

Intriguing name, says Wittgenstein. What does it mean?

Meeting place of two rivers, says Gaius.

The Bulah and the Dulah, says Wittgenstein.

An unlikely interpretation, says Gaius.

Snap snap.

May I have a turn with the bracelet? asks Gaius.

Why? asks Terence.

It seems to me it's my turn, says Gaius.

You just want to stop me snapping, says Terence.

Correct, says Gaius. I shall set an example and wear it without snapping.

You have to snap it once, says Terence.

And only once, says Gaius.

Here it is, says Terence. It's your turn.

Gaius takes the snap bracelet from Terence. Snaps it onto his wrist. SNAP! 

It's too tight. He would like to release it, but that would mean snapping it again.

Look out of the window, says Gaius.

I am, says Terence. Is there anything big coming?

The mountain, says Gaius. We'll be passing it shortly.

Ha ha, laughs Terence.

What's so funny? asks Wittgenstein.

Shortly, says Terence.

I see, says Wittgenstein. A word game.

Cannot but be, says Terence.

What's this about cannot but be? asks Wittgenstein. A running joke?

Cannot but be, says Terence.

That's not how you usually play it, says Gaius. This new way its better.

Cannot but be, says Terence.

How does he usually play it? asks Wittgenstein. 

You don't want to know, says Gaius. 

I do, says Wittgenstein. It may help to relieve my growing stiffness.

Then I shall try to explain, says Gaius. Terence asks a question, usually with a bee in it somewhere.

You mean a sting? asks Wittgenstein.

Nothing so crafty, says Gaius. Something like, what if there were two bees in a jam jar?

I don't know that one, says Terence.

I made it up as an example, says Gaius.

And the answer? asks Wittgenstein.

Always the same answer, says Gaius.

Cannot but be? asks Wittgenstein. 

Cannot but BEES, says Terence.

Ridiculous, says Wittgenstein. This game cries out for improvement.

World's Largest Dud

Terence is still talking to Sweezus on Gaius's phone.

Where are you? asks Terence.

Taree, says Sweezus. 

That's where we're going , says Terence. 

I know, says Sweezus. 

We'll be stopping, says Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Looking for Screaming Tree frogs.

Can you hear them? asks Terence.

I guess so, says Sweezus. Whenever they scream.

I mean now, says Terence.

No, says Sweezus, I'm in the main street, next to the World's Largest Oyster.

That should make them scream, says Terence.

It would, but they aren't in the main street, says Sweezus. Frogs like the reedy areas.

So do oysters, says Terence.

Not reedy, says Sweezus. Rocky. Or ropey. Or...whatever. And anyhow, not this oyster.

Is it alive? asks Terence.

No way, says Sweezus. It's like the Big Pineapple, the Big Lobster and the Big Banana.

Aren't they alive? asks Terence.

They're like, tourist attractions, says Sweezus. But the World's Largest Oyster turned out to be a dud. Guess what the locals call it?

The Worlds Largest Dud? says Terence.

Close, says Sweezus. The Big Mistake. 

Ha ha, says Terence. Why don't they eat it?

It's not made of oyster, says Sweezus.

Steak, says Terence.

It's not... begins Sweezus.

That's a joke, says Terence.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Heaps funny. Well, I'd better be going, little buddy. See you later.

See you later, says Terence.

He hands Gaius the phone.

Guess what? says Terence. A Giant Dud's taken over the main street.

Really? says Gaius.

And it's scared all the tree frogs, says Terence.

Then we should get a move on, says Gaius.

They ran away to the reedy areas, says Terence. 

Useful information, says Gaius.

Nowhere Is A Long Line

The Golden Highway, says Roo-kai. Write it.

No, says Terence. What's the point? It's con-virgin.

Converging, says Gaius. 

So where is it? asks Terence.

Where it always is, says Gaius. It's ourselves and Merriwa that are converging.

So, no dots, says Terence. Or one big one.

You are probably right, says Gaius. 

What's in Merriwa? asks Terence.

Let me see, says Gaius. Ah, this is interesting.

Another Drip? asks Wittgenstein.

No, says Gaius. Battery Rock. A spectacular basalt rock formation.

Let's see, says Roo-kai. 

He looks at the photo on Gaius's smart phone. Ooh! 

Estimated to be around thirty five million years old, says Gaius. 

That's as old as me, says Terence.

You are made of cement, says Gaius. 

I didn't mean me exactly, says Terence. 

Nothing like you, says Gaius.

Where is it? asks Wittgenstein. 

Unfortunately, says Gaius, it's fifteen kilometres to the east.

Too bad, says Wittgenstein. Is there a photo?

Yes, says Roo-kai. It looks like hundreds of broken lead pencils sticking out of the earth.

What a sight. I'll be sorry to miss it, says Wittgenstein.

How come we never stop anywhere? says Terence.

Gaius's phone rings, It's Sweezus. 

Hey! says Sweezus. We've arrived in Taree.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. We're just short of Merriwa.

No worries, says Sweezus. Arthur and me are going to head down to the coast. 

Fine, says Gaius. You do that. We'll see you in a few hours.

Can I talk to him? asks Terence.

Certainly, says Gaius. He hands Terence the phone.

Guess what? says Terence. I've made a map of our journey. It's got all the places we've stopped at.

Cool, little buddy, says Sweezus. Where've you stopped at?

NOWHERE! says Terence. It's just a LONG LINE!

Rare Move Backwards

Snake is still sad, says Terence.

Why is that? asks Gaius.

He can't picture, says Terence.

Picture? says Gaius. Do you mean picture the Drip?

He's a bracelet, says Wittgenstein. You can't expect him to picture.

He's got eyes, says Terence.

Only sequins, says Roo-kai.

I know! says Terence. I'll draw him a map!

But if..... begins Wittgenstein.

A superb idea, interrupts Gaius. You may borrow my pencil.

Yippee! says Terence. And some paper.

Gaius tears a blank page from the back of his notebook.

And something hard, says Terence.

Gaius gives him the notebook.

Right, says Terence. This dot is us. 

If that dot is us, says Roo-kai. Where will the Drip go?

Anywhere, says Terence.

No, says Roo-kai. The Drip is behind us.

Turn the paper upside down, says Wittgenstein.

Or forget about the Drip, says Gaius, and draw a map of where we're going.

No, says Terence. I'm doing the Drip. Snake wanted to go there.

He turns his piece of paper. The dot is now the end point.

This is us, says Terence. Now what?

Another dot, says Roo-kai. Here. That's Cassilis. Now draw the road.

Terence draws a road between Cassilis, and the dot which is them.

Let me see, says Gaius. Very good. Now for the turnoff, and the carpark, with the walking track at the end, then the bridge and the boulders, the ferny glade, the large rock and the river.....

Stop! says Terence. Snake says he doesn't want to.

Want to what? asks Gaius.

Go backwards, says Terence.

That is fair, says Gaius. Snakes rarely move backwards.

Have you labelled your map yet? asks Wittgenstein.

No he hasn't, says Roo-kai.

Then all is not lost, says Wittgenstein. Turn the paper again.

He won't need to, says Gaius. The dot is not labelled as us.

I suggest he does it now, says Wittgenstein.

Indeed, Terence, you should do it now, says Gaius. 

Why? asks Terence. 

Because we are getting closer to Merriwa, says Gaius. The dots are converging.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

Getting closer together, says Roo-kai.

What's this stupid road called? asks Terence.

The Golden Highway, says Gaius. Yes, I thought you'd like that.

But he misjudges Terence's expression.

The Drip In Our Minds

That was a surprise, says Wittgenstein. Why paint a horse on a silo?

To attract tourists, says Gaius. When tourists stop, they spend money.

Clever, says Wittgenstein. 

Are we stopping? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. We must push on.

Sorry snake, says Terence. But you'll like the next place.

How do you know? asks Roo-kai.

Is that you asking or him asking? asks Terence.

Him, says Roo-kai.

Does that mean you know? asks Terence.

No, says Roo-kai. Do you?

No, says Terence. Not till we get there.

The next town is Cassilis, says Gaius.

What's in it? asks Terence.

Let me see, says Gaius. Hmm. Cassilis is renowned for a beauty spot known as the Drip, which is hard to find but well worth the trek. Hmm... hmm.... these are complex instructions.

Are we stopping? asks Wittgenstein.

I think not, says Gaius.

Snake wants to, says Terence.

No, he doesn't, says Roo-kai. Just read the description.

A bush paradise. Water seeps through a honeycombed cliff face and drips into the Goulburn River, reads Gaius. 

Hence the name Drip, says Wittgenstein. 

The place where the seepage occurs is covered in weeping ferns, rock orchids and grasses, says Gaius.

Will we see it? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. This is how difficult it is to get there. Two point three kilometres past the Hands on the Rock turnoff a signpost leads to a car park at the end of which is a walking track leading to a small bridge and a tumble of rocks, through a glade of ferns and past a large rock on the right beyond which is a sandy riverbank, where a sign indicates a left turn back to the cliff face which you follow to the end, where, after crossing over the grassy bank, a sharp left turn brings you face to face with the Drip.

I see what you mean, says Wittgenstein. Let us picture the Drip in our minds and keep going.

The Snake And The Horse

Wittgenstein slows down again.

Find anything? he asks.

I believe so, says Gaius, who has pulled the snap snake from under Wittgenstein's bottom.

Yay! says Terence. Is it flat?

It is now, says Gaius.

That's why I didn't feel it, says Wittgenstein.

But you said you did, says Terence.

Only after, says Wittgenstein.

Can I have it? asks Terence.

Gaius hands him his snap snake bracelet.

Thank you, says Terence.

He flicks the snake bracelet against his hard wrist.

Snap!

The snake snaps around it. 

He pulls it off again,

Snap!

Must you keep doing that? asks Gaius.

It's a snap bracelet, says Terence. If I don't do it, what can I do?

Let us befriend it, says Roo-kai.

Wonderful idea, says Gaius.

Dear snake, says Terence. Would you like to look out of the window?

Yesss, says Roo-kai, in a snake voice.

Terence holds up the snake. It's glassy eyes take in the landscape.

Sorry it's boring, says Terence.

I like boring, says Roo-kai.

We're almost in Dunedoo, says Wittgenstein. 

Are we? says Gaius. 

He googles Dunedoo.

Aha. This will interest the snake.

Why? asks Terence. 

Look out for the silo, says Gaius.

Terence looks out for the Dunedoo silo.

A few minutes later, he spots it.

Wittgenstein slows down.

A horse! cries Terence. There's a horse on the silo!

It's Winx, says Gaius. A famous Australian race horse.

Look, snake, says Terence. 

The snake looks with glazed eyes at the race horse.

The only one in the camper who does not admire it.

One Must Be Allowed To Progress

Wittgenstein is driving the camper.

Gaius sits beside him, checking his notes on the Screaming Tree Frog.

Terence is in the back with Roo-kai.

I don't HAVE to talk, says Terence.

No, you don't says Roo-kai.

I'm too sad, says Terence.

What we cannot speak of we must pass over in silence, says Wittgenstein.

Where did that come from? asks Roo-kai.

My Tractatus, says Wittgenstein. Conclusion, part seven.

You are very organised, says Gaius. Part seven!

There were more parts, says Wittgenstein. Followed by my Philosophical Investigations.

Fascinating, says Gaius. I don't believe I have read them.

You might care to, says Wittgenstein. But keep in mind the Investigations point to the opposite of the Tractatus.

Did your readers notice? asks Gaius.

It was thirty two years later, says Wittgenstein. One must be allowed to progress.

I'm still sad, says Terence.

I think I know why, says Wittgenstein. 

Why? asks Terence.

Because of me, you didn't win the poetry competition, says Wittgenstein.

That's not why, says Terence. I've lost my snap snake bracelet. 

It'll be in here somewhere, says Gaius. 

He reaches towards the back seat. What's this then?

My sauce water, says Terence.

Gaius brings it forward.

The water looks murky, with a red blob at the bottom.

I note you didn't drink it, says Gaius.

No, says Terence. But thirty two years later I might.

Ha ha, laughs Wittgenstein. That's a word game.

No it isn't, says Terence. Cannot But Be is a word game.

Don't start! says Gaius. 

Are you sitting on it? asks Terence.

What? asks Gaius.

My snap snake, says Terence. 

I think I would know if I was, says Gaius.

How? asks Terence.

I would feel it, says Gaius. A circular object, pressing on one or other of my buttocks.

Sometimes it's flat, says Terence. 

Then I might not feel it, says Gaius. He feels under his shorts.

No, says Gaius. No snap snake.

I might be sitting on it, says Wittgenstein. I do feel something.

Hitch up, says Gaius. I'll feel under you.

This turns out to be an unwise suggestion.

Wittgenstein hitches up, straightening his leg in the process.

His foot presses down on the accelerator.

Zooooom!

 He exceeds the 100k limit.

Significance Of Bracelets

This is good, says Sweezus. It's cool driving the Mazda.

Yours was the best poem, says Arthur.

Yeah, but I feel bad for Terence, says Sweezus.

I wouldn't, says Arthur. He's still got three wishes.

THINKS he's got three wishes, says Sweezus.

Same thing, says Arthur. Although now he might think he only has two.

How come? asks Sweezus. Oh yeah, because the crystal repossessed one.

If he believes that, says Arthur.

If he remembers, says Sweezus. He's got the snake snap band. 

It's good when someone gives you a bracelet, says Arthur.

Too right, bro, says Sweezus. I've still got that one you gave me. 

Have you? asks Arthur. Where is it?

This is it, says Sweezus.

He shows Arthur the brown twisted strip of leather with green spots on his left wrist.

I thought it was yellow, says Arthur.

It was, says Sweezus.

And copper-studded, says Arthur.

That's the green bits, says Sweezus

He speeds up to the 100k limit.

What time'll we get there? asks Arthur.

What's five hours from now? asks Sweezus.

Dinner time, says Arthur.

Or, says Sweezus. What if we head down to the ocean, and check out the surfing conditions?

Sounds good to me, says Arthur.

We couldn't've done that if I was driving the camper, says Sweezus.

A series of fortunate events, says Arthur.

Sure was, says Sweezus. Anyone would think that we planned it.

But we didn't, says Arthur. We just took advantage.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

Winner Winner

The chips are eaten, and so are the buns.

It's time to leave Dubbo.

Five and a half hours to Taree, says Gaius. 

Can I talk? asks Terence.

Yes, says Gaius.

All the way? asks Terence.

If you must, says Gaius.

What about the poetry comp? asks Sweezus. 

Oh yes, says Gaius. Who won it, Roo-kai? 

Let me hear them again, says Roo-kai.

What's the prize? asks Terence.

A wish, says Roo-kai. One that's reasonable.

We'll leave now, says Ludwig. Seeing as we aren't in it.

No, let's hear the poems, says Arthur.

Terence goes first.

I like the last line, says Roo-kai. Very natural.

Sweezus goes second.

The rude word spoils it, says Roo-kai.

Gaius goes last.

Too classical, says Roo-kai. I judge Terence the winner.

Objection, says Ludwig. A rude word shouldn't prevent the best poem from winning.

I have to agree, says Gaius.

Let's vote, says Arthur.

They vote. Roo-kai and Terence vote for Terence.

There are four votes for Sweezus. 

Not fair! says Terence. He voted for himself.

You voted for yourself, says Gaius.

But it didn't make me win, says Terence.

Winner gets a wish, says Arthur.

I wish to drive the Mazda, says Sweezus.

That seems reasonable, says Gaius. But who'll drive the camper?

I suppose I shall have to, says Ludwig.

He doesn't want to drive the camper. For this reason. He hired the Mazda.

And this reason. He prefers travelling with Arthur. 

And this one. It was his objection that caused Terence to lose the poetry competition, and Terence will be in the camper. 

Squeezing Sauce Into Water

They take the chips, buns and coffee back to the camper.

Smells like onions in here, says Ludwig.

Not as much as it did, says Gaius. 

What do I get? asks Terence.

There's plenty of water, says Gaius. And tomato sauce, if you fancy.

Can I squirt it in? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Gaius.

Good chips, says Sweezus, taking a handful.

They are, says Ludwig. And if anyone would care to reimburse me..... 

Later, says Gaius. Keep a tab. Now Arthur, what do you think?

Notio habeo / Ego amatus Terentio/ Votum donabit mihi. 

Terence won't like it, says Arthur.

I was aiming for authenticity, says Gaius. Not to please Terence.

Is it about me? asks Terence, squeezing sauce into his water.

Ego amatus Terentio, says Arthur. I am loved by Terence.

No you're not, says Terence. 

Terentio is you in Latin, says Arthur. 

Not always, says Gaius. Terentius, Terentium, Terentii, Terentio....

Who's loved by me? asks Terence.

The crystal, says Arthur. 

It was, says Terence. Now I love the snake bracelet.

Good, says Gaius. Then you won't mind if you hear it in English.

 And you won't win because you've been cheating, says Terence.

It's my own work, says Gaius. These are the words of the crystal:

I have a notion/ Terence loves me/ He will give one wish back to me.

Woop! says Terence.

Nice thought, says Sweezus. You got into the head of the crystal.

Gaius ignores Terence's Woop, and is pleased.

Cheat Cheat Cheat

The camper pulls up in the Dubbo Zoo carpark

Arthur and Ludwig are waiting outside.

Hey! says Sweezus, I can't believe you guys paid forty three dollars twenty each to go in there.

We didn't, says Arthur. 

But you did go in, says Sweezus. I heard a monkey. 

We went in, says Arthur. It's easy to get into a zoo if the shop's near the exit.

Like how? asks Sweezus.

Do you want to go in? asks Arthur. I'll show you.

No time, says Gaius. We need to push on to Taree. 

Guess what? says Terence.

What? says Arthur.

We had a poetry competition, says Terence.

Who won? asks Arthur.

It's not over yet, says Gaius. In fact, now that you're here, I could use some advice.

That's not fair, says Terence.

Just a general question, says Gaius. 

I thought we were going, says Terence.

We'll get a snack first, says Gaius. Is there anywhere here we can do that?

I'll go back in, says Ludwig. I know how to do it.

He goes to the ticket office. 

Excuse me, I have just realised I came out of the zoo before visiting the gift shop, says Ludwig. May I go back inside?

Sure, says the ticket person. Go for it. 

Ludwig re-enters the zoo, only then remembering that he has not taken orders.

He appears at the bars.

What does everyone want? asks Ludwig.

Buns and coffee, says Sweezus. No, chips and sauce. And buns. 

Sounds good, says Gaius.

Were there any horses in there? asks Terence.

No, says Arthur. Only a zebra.

A zebra is not a horse, says Gaius. Which reminds me. My poem.

How far have you got? asks Arthur.

The first verse is in  Latin, says Gaius. 

Olim sub humus nunc sub aqua/ Acutus nitidus puncta tres/ Crystallum fulgit/ Dum......

Once under earth now under water, sharp shiny three-pointed, the crystal gleams, until.... says Arthur, who was good at Latin at school.

Until, says Gaius. I thought of doing the second part in the voice of the crystal.

So use English, says Arthur.

What a good idea, says Gaius. I knew you'd come up with something.

Cheat cheat cheat, says Terence.

Not really, says Roo-kai. It will be easier for me to judge, if the second part's in English.

Ludwig returns with chips and sauce, buns, coffee and a snake bracelet.

Thought I'd better buy a gift, says Ludwig. Who wants it?

It's a snap bracelet covered in sequins, with a fluffy snake's head at one end.

Me! says Terence.

He is given it. 

What a good day!

Big Bogan

Gaius is driving the camper. 

You could go faster, says Sweezus. The limit's a hundred.

I'm just being cautious, says Gaius. Because of my licence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. I forgot. You ought to renew it.

Yes, says Gaius. But it's not just a question of renewal. I believe it lapsed years ago.

We'll swap back before we hit Dubbo, says Sweezus. How far out are we?

Not far, says Gaius. 

Yay! says Terence. 

No talking, says Sweezus.

Yay isn't talking, says Terence.

Wanna hear my poem? asks Sweezus.

No, says Terence.

Yes, says Gaius. 

Sweezus recites his ODE TO A DROPPED ROCK.

Very good, says Gaius. 

Terence is poking Roo-kai.

What? says Roo-kai.

It's got a rude word in it, says Terence.

I noticed, says Roo-kai.

I'm a grown up, says Sweezus.

Not fair, says Terence. You're not the winner.

Mine's not finished yet, says Gaius. I want to add a second verse, in the voice of the crystal.

Who's judging? asks Sweezus.

I'll do it, says Roo-kai. Because I'm no good at poems. But we'll have to wait until Gaius has finished his second verse in the voice of the crystal.

That's reasonable, says Gaius.

Are you doing it now? asks Terence.

Not while I'm driving, says Gaius. I'll complete it in Dubbo. 

I'll call Arthur, says Sweezus. Find out where we're meeting.

He calls Arthur.

We're nearly in Dubbo, says Sweezus.

We've been here for hours, says Arthur. 

Yeah well, we stopped in Nyngan, says Sweezus.

Not much in Nyngan, says Arthur.

I know, says Sweezus. We were sleeping.

Except the Big Bogan, says Arthur.

What's that? asks Sweezus.

A controversial statue, says Arthur.

Too bad we missed it, says Sweezus. What's that noise?

Animals, says Arthur. We got bored and came to the zoo.

How much to get in? asks Sweezus. 

Forty three dollars twenty, says Arthur.

Each? says Sweezus.  

Each, says Arthur.

No way, says Sweezus. Where can we meet that's not there?

Out the front, says Arthur. Call me again when you get here.

A hooting sound is heard, which could be a monkey.

Coming Out Awesome

They get out of the camper, and sit under the tree.

They leave the camper doors open to air out the onion.

That was a close one, says Sweezus.

It was, says Gaius. I feel guilty, letting you drive all the way.

My eyes were all watery, says Sweezus. They still are.

Mine are fine, says Gaius. I am used to strong smells.

Can I talk yet? asks Terence.

We're not in Dubbo, says Sweezus.

But we're not in the camper, says Terence.

That is true, says Roo-kai. 

So can I? asks Terence.

Okay, says Sweezus. Talk away.

I'm used to strong smells too, says Terence.

Is that all you wanted to say? asks Sweezus.

Ask me which ones, says Terence.

No, says Sweezus. I'm busy breathing fresh air and getting my eyes back to normal.

How long will that take? asks Gaius. Arthur and Ludwig will be waiting in Dubbo.

Maybe five minutes, says Sweezus. Maybe longer.

I'll drive, says Gaius. Until you recover.

My voice hurts, says Terence. Too much talking.

Very funny, says Sweezus.

They get back in the camper, which now smells better.

Gaius turns on the engine.

Rmmmm!

Off they go. 

Terence is not allowed to talk now he's back in the camper.

But he's thinking of smells he is used to.

Fish glue, that's one. Bull glue, that's another.

Sweezus is happy not to be driving. Now he can work on his poem.

He wants it to be, like, empathetic, but not schmaltzy. Like, kind of : 

ODE TO A DROPPED ROCK

How much would it suck

To be you

Maybe not much

Some crystals are buried for eons

You came up to the light

Look on the bright side

Remember the good times

You made it to Cobar

There was fuck all in Nyngan to do.

Woah, thinks Sweezus, did that or did that not come out awesome!

Sharp And Shiny Until

It's good that Terence is silent, thinks Gaius. I'll get on with composing my poem.

The countryside whizzes by. Red dirt mainly.

Any more apple? asks Sweezus.

I suppose so, says Gaius.

He halves the second half of the apple.

Hands a quarter to Sweezus.

Thanks, says Sweezus. This'll keep me awake.

Gaius continues composing his poem.

Olim, meaning once. That's a good start.

Olim sub humus nunc sub aqua

That your poem? asks Sweezus, taking his eyes off the road.

Indeed, says Gaius. I'm quite happy with the opening line, it shows perfect balance.

That's cool, says Sweezus. The crystal's all about balance. 

I hadn't thought of that, says Gaius. Is it too subtle?

Shit no, says Sweezus. Leave it how it is.

I shall, says Gaius. 

A long silence ensues.

The red landscape continues.

Stuck for a good rhyme for aqua? asks Sweezus.

Not at all, says Gaius. Roman poetry does not need to rhyme.

Yeah? says Sweezus. So how do you know when it's poetry?

The iambs, trochees and spondees, says Gaius. The poetic idea. The succinctness. 

Yeah right, says Sweezus. Hey. Would anyone mind if I ate half the onion?

Not I, says Gaius. I'll have the other half. That is if Roo-kai doesn't want it.

I don't want it, says Roo-kai.

Gaius doesn't ask Terence, who would not want it but is unable to say.

He halves the onion.

The camper van fills with the rich smell of onion.

Followed by sounds of munching.

Gaius keeps working.

Acutus, nitidus, puncta tres

Crystallum fulgit.....

He stops scratching.

Run out of syllables? asks Sweezus.

Not necessarily, says Gaius.

Sweezus gives up trying to help.

He can't see too well anyway, his eyes are watering because of the onion.

Dum, says Gaius to himself.

Huh? says Sweezus.

Where to put it, says Gaius. At the end of the line or the start of the next one.

So it's Latin, says Sweezus.

Meaning until, says Gaius. See where I'm going?

No he doesn't.

Sweezus swerves and skids off the road, narrowly missing a tree.

If Horse Rhymed With Shorts

Terence whispers his poem The Last Thoughts of Quarz to Roo-kai.

Hmm, says Roo-kai, when Terence stops whispering.

Good isn't it, says Terence. 

It would be, says Roo-kai. If horse rhymed with shorts.

Why doesn't it? asks Terence.

What's this ? asks Gaius, munching on his quarter apple.

Terence's poem, says Roo-kai. He thinks horse rhymes with shorts.

I thought the poem was Last Thoughts of Quartz, says Gaius.

Quarz, says Roo-kai. German. Rhymes with farts, not shorts. Another problem.

So that explains the shorts, says Gaius.

How? asks Sweezus, who until now has tried not to listen.

Not quite rhyming with horse, says Gaius. 

Why is there a horse in it? asks Sweezus.

Because I still want one, says Terence. 

A horse is the last thing Quarz would have been thinking about, says Sweezus.

How do you know? asks Terence. He was going to give me three wishes.

Lucky he drowned then, says Sweezus.

He's not DROWNED, says Terence. He's waiting.

Okay, says Sweezus. Think what you like. But how do the shorts fit in, apart from not rhyming?

You'll find out, says Terence. So can I say my poem first?

If you shut up until we get to Dubbo, says Sweezus.

Yay! says Terence. I get to go first: 

THE LAST THOUGHTS OF QUARZ

O how I love Terence

He wears gecko shorts

I gave him three wishes

And one was a horse.

It wasn’t his fault I fell into the swimming hole.

It that it? asks Sweezus.

But now Terence can't answer.

Stupid Knife Stupid Pencil

We're not playing I spy, says Sweezus.

What then? asks Terence.

I'll play it with you, says Roo-kai.

I'll quarter an apple, says Gaius. Where's that knife?

I spy with my little eye something that is.....a knife, says Terence.

Where? asks Gaius.

I don't really, says Terence. That's too easy.

So you don't see it, says Roo-kai.

No, says Terence.

But it's a knife, says Roo-kai.

Yes, says Terence. You guessed it.

But where is it? asks Gaius. I need it to quarter the apple.

Where was it last? asks Sweezus.

With the pencil, says Gaius.

I spy.... begins Terence.

We're not playing I spy, says Roo-kai.

Too bad, says Terence. It was an easy one.

Pencil, says Roo-kai.

You said you weren't playing, says Terence.

And I'm not, says Roo-kai.

How about a poetry competition? suggests Sweezus.

Good idea, says Gaius. That should last us till we get to Dubbo.

And it's like, silent, says Sweezus.

Indeed, says Gaius. I'll need that pencil, to jot down ideas.

I don't need a pencil, says Terence. I've got a poem already. It's called Last Thoughts of Quarz.

You can't just extemporise, says Sweezus. It has to be polished, 

It is polished, says Terence. Can I go first?

No, says Sweezus. Gaius goes first. He's the oldest.

This may take some time, says Gaius. I haven't found the pencil.

It might be in here, says Roo-kai.

He heaves Gaius's back pack over the front seat, so Gaius can rummage through it.

Excellent! says Gaius. Here's the knife. And look! An onion!

Terence can't believe he is not going first. It's not fair. Now Gaius has found a stupid onion. And the knife. So he'll cut up the apple. And then eat it. And maybe the onion. And he still hasn't found the stupid pencil.  

Roo-kai sees all these thoughts on his face.

Whisper it to me, says Roo-kai. 

Terence cheers up at once.

Okay, says Terence. But no copying.

As if, says Roo-kai.

No Coconuts

They stop to buy apples in Nyngan.

Mega expensive! says Sweezus, coming back to the camper, with a bag of four apples.

We'll eat them one half at a time, says Gaius.

Like, half each? says Sweezus.

No, quarter each, says Gaius. Then the other half later.

The other half'll go brown, says Sweezus.

Brown won't hurt you, says Gaius.

Not if it's a mushroom, says Sweezus.

What are you talking about? asks Gaius.

Portobello mushrooms, says Sweezus.

They would be even more expensive here, says Gaius.

Or coconuts, says Sweezus.

The sooner we get to Dubbo the better, says Gaius. This foolish talk of coconuts....

Okay, says Sweezus. Dubbo, no coconuts.

Can I play? asks Terence.

It's not really a game, says Sweezus.

Naming brown things, says Roo-kai.

Poo! says Terence.

Food only, says Sweezus.

That's not fair, says Terence. Roo-kai said things.

Okay, says Sweezus. Your turn Gaius.

Soil, says Gaius. Earthworms eat it.

Brilliant, says Sweezus. Roo-kai, you next.

Mud, says Roo-kai.

That's like soil, says Sweezus.

But wet, says Roo-kai. I should know. 

It looked black, says Terence.

What did? asks Sweezus.

The mud Quarz fell into, says Terence.

Only because it was night, says Roo-kai. It'll be brown this morning.

There is something about saying it'll be brown this morning that changes everyone's thinking.

Yes, thinks Sweezus. The endless cycle of brown days and black nights. What a headfuck.

Yes, thinks Gaius. A puzzle for future geologists. Or not, as the case may be.

Yes, thinks Roo-kai. I may even have pushed him down further. I regret that.

Black, brown.....We should play I spy next, thinks Terence. 

Behind Two Different Trees

 Roo-kai and Terence arrive at the camper just as Sweezus and Gaius wake up.

I am pleased to see you, says Gaius. I dreamed you had met with ill fortune.

What's ill fortune? asks Terence.

Bad luck, says Sweezus. 

He did meet with it, says Roo-kai.

Don't tell them, says Terence.

Tell us what? asks Sweezus. 

Nothing, says Terence.

We'll have to tell them something, says Roo-kai.

Okay. I'll do it, says Terence.

Go on, says Gaius. No wait a second. Where are those apples?

We ate them, says Sweezus. Let's drive to a shop, and stock up.

All right, says Gaius. But first I must urinate.

Me too, says Sweezus.

They go behind two different trees.

Then everyone gets into the camper.

At least we've got water, says Sweezus.

Yes, says Gaius. Perhaps we should push on to Nyngan. It's early. Shops here won't be open.

Good plan, says Sweezus.

They head off towards Nyngan.

Now tell us what happened, says Sweezus.

Remember my crystal? says Terence. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. The one I gave you? 

It wanted to go for a dip, says Terence.

You lost it, says Sweezus. 

There's more to the story, says Roo-kai.

So I suspect, says Gaius. What did it ask for a dip in?

The old open cut mine which is now a swimming spot, says Roo-kai. 

You went there? says Sweezus.

Under Quarz's protection, says Roo-kai.

Yeah, like that worked, says Sweezus. 

It protected ME, says Terence. And the good part is that now that's it's missing I should get a new present and I already know what I want.

I explained to him that none of that follows, says Roo-kai.

We'll look for it on our way back, says Sweezus. If we come this way. 

Which we may not, says Gaius.

But until we know for sure that it's irretrievable, says Sweezus, you can't have a new present.

And even then, says Gaius, it will NOT be a horse.