Confucius' Hat

The wise find pleasure in water, the virtuous in hills, says David slowly. I take it they are one and the same.

Water and hills? says Vello.

No, of course not. The wise and the virtuous, says David.

Then why make the distinction? asks Schopenhauer.

Perhaps the Great Sage can enlighten us, says Vello.

No, I can't, says Kong Fu-Zi. It was many years ago that I thought it. If I thought it at all.

Ah, says Schopenhauer. It's one of your Analects.

Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. And you know how teachings become distorted. Perhaps that's what happened.

 Pfff! says Ageless, who is washing up the teacups with Captain Louttit. I know what it means!

He drops a tea cup into the washing up water. Water slops onto the floor.

The wise find pleasure in water, says Ageless.

What about the hills? hisses Captain Louttit.

Hills are problems, says Ageless.

Oh very good, says David. And the virtuous find pleasure in problems.

But the wise don't, says Schopenhauer. Because ..?

They don't have to clean up, says Ageless.

But that's exactly what you're doing, says Vello.

Not the water, says Ageless. I'll leave that to you chaps.

Excellent. That's cleared that up, says Kong Fu-Zi.

Not yet, says Ageless, rudely waving a sponge.

The Great Sage refers to the first part of the Analect, says Schopenhauer. Now we must consider the second: The wise are active, the virtuous tranquil.

Just look at us, says David. We are the perfect example. Actively pursuing enlightenment while tranquilly drinking tea. Thus embodying both wisdom and virtue.

And just look at Ageless and Louttit, says Vello. Actively washing the dishes while tranquilly taking the piss.

Ha ha, laughs the Great Sage. That reminds me of a funny story.

We could do with a funny story, says Vello. What is it?

I'll tell you, says Kong Fu-Zi.

Go on then, says Vello.

Kong Fu-Zi removes his tall hat, places it on the table, and tells his funny story:

My philosophy was not always popular in China during the Han dynasty. It is recorded that the Emperor Liu Bang, when he identified a Confucian by his distinctive hat, would snatch off the hat and piss in it.

He laughs again.

Everyone stares at the hat.

The Wise And The Virtuous

Tea ceremony takes a long time.

Is it ready yet? asks David hopefully.

Kong Fu-Zi looks surprised.

At last the tea is ready.

Now then, says Vello. What's this about horses?

Nothing, says Kong Fu-Zi. The lobsters have confused you, as might be expected. I shall explain in due course.

He sips his tea slowly.

Ahh! says Kong Fi-Zi. Very nice. Now, what do you wish to ask me?

Nothing, says Vello. You came to us for advice.

Sorry, says Kong Fu-Zi. I am not used to seeking advice. However, I have come to seek yours. You are known for moving with the times. I believe you publish an online magazine.

Yes, yes, says Vello. We do move with the times. The first thing I would advise you to do is buy teabags. Much quicker.

Tea bags, says Kong Fu-Zi. Let me write that down.

He writes it down.

T
E
A
B
A
G
S.

Now, says Kong Fu-Zi. You may know that I have been invited to give an oration at your local OzAsia festival.

Vello nods, giving the impression he may well have known it.

However, says Kong Fu-Zi, I have a feeling some of my ideas have become outdated, and I should like to run them past you eminent thinkers, the great Voltaire and the good David Hume.

And the.......and myself, Schopenhauer, obviously, says Schopenhauer, too modest to choose his own adjective.

Is that who you are? says Kong Fu-Zi. My apologies. I took you for an acolyte, when you used some of my titles.

Apology accepted, Extremely Laudable Lord Ni, says Schopenhauer. Throw us an idea.

Kong Fu-Zi adjusts his pointed hat and clears his throat gently.

This is one I've always liked, but about which I am currently uncertain, he says.

Spit it out man, says Vello. We're all philosophers here.

Except for us lobsters, mutters Ageless to Louttit. We might as well wash up the teacups.

Louttit looks sour.

Kong Fu-Zi speaks: The wise find pleasure in water, the virtuous in hills; the wise are active, the virtuous tranquil; the wise are joyful, the virtuous long lived.

There is a long silence, while the philosophers grapple with the complexity of this fine piece of Confucian wisdom.

Great Sage, Equal Of Heaven

Two days later, back in Adelaide, at the Velosophy office, the Chinese visitor is chatting with Ageless and Captain Louttit.

The sage is speaking:

Sage: When the stables burnt down, on returning from court, I said Was anyone hurt? I did not ask about the horses.

Ageless: Why not?

Captain Louttit: Perhaps there weren't any horses.

Sage: No, there were horses.

Ageless: Was anyone hurt?

Sage: You are missing the point of the story.

Ageless: What is it?

Sage: This story shows that I value human life over property.

Captain Louttit: But you don't value horses.

Ageless: You think horses are property.

Captain Louttit: This begs the question.....

Ageless: What if the stables had been full of lobsters?

Captain Louttit: Exactly.

Sage: You see. This is why I have come. I need advice on current thinking.

Ageless: A heads-up.

Sage : If that's what it's called.

Squeak!! The door opens and in come Vello, David and Schopenhauer.

Ageless: At last!

Vello: Is this our visitor?

Sage: Forgive me for intruding. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Kong Fu-Zi.

David: Kong Fu-Zi?

Schopenhauer: Great Sage! Departed Teacher ! The Extremely Declarable!

Kong Fu-Zi: I see my reputation precedes me.

Vello: No it doesn't. Not to me anyway.

Kong Fu-Zi: I am known in the West as Confucius.

Vello: My goodness. Very pleased to meet you. May I ask why you have honoured us with a visit?

Ageless: He's lost all his horses in a fire.

Vello: Dear dear. We must discuss it. Is there tea in the offing?

Ageless: No there isn't.

Kong Fu-Zi: Shall I make some tea? I have all the accoutrements.

(he draws a tea pot and four ceramic cups from a fold in his robes)

David : How nice. I'll get some biscuits.

(he goes to the cupboard)

Captain Louttit: We haven't been shopping. We've been too busy holding the fort while you've been on holiday.

Schopenhauer: Horses eh? What happened?

Kong Fu-Zi: I fear I have inadvertently upset these lobsters. The horses, being property, are irrelevant. I believe it is people who matter. Is this wrong?

Schopenhauer: I should think so. There is no doubt that horses have feelings.

Kong Fu-Zi: I don't deny it. To burn would be painful.

David (coming back from the cupboard) : No biscuits.

Kong Fu-Zi: Tea ceremony is not requiring of biscuits.

David: My, my. What then?

Kong Fu-Zi: Hot water and tea leaves.

David: I'm sure we have them.

He looks enquiringly at Ageless, and Captain Louttit.

But the lobsters have taken against the great sage now that they know he values human life over property and refuse to cooperate.

Last Supper Captured In The Mirror

Enter Arthur, with the bleeding pigeon, and Baby Terence.

Waiter: You can't bring that parrot in here!

Arthur: Don't we still owe you some money?

Waiter: Okay! Asiento!

Arthur sits down. Sweezus moves to the end of the table.

Arthur: It's only a Parrot.

Belle: It's bleeding! Wrap it up in this napkin!

Parrot: Thank you. Some kindness at last.

Baby Terence: Guess what? I've left home for ever. And I've had a hair cut.

Marie: It looks weird at the back.

Baby Terence: Arthur did it! With his knife! Let me see the back.

Marie: You'll need two mirrors.

Baby Terence: There's one! On the wall.

Belle (handing Terence a tiny mirror): Here's another.

Baby Terence( looking in the mirror) : This is the front.

Belle: No, you hold it like this.

Baby Terence: Ha ha! I see my Parrot!

Parrot: I'm bleeding to death here, on behalf of this infant. And I shouldn't be.

Vello: Then why are you?

Schopenhauer: It's a world of suffering for animals...

Parrot: I'm a bird, not an animal.

Schopenhauer: In a general sense though.

George Santayana: Nothing is general but names.

David: I say! That's very good.

George Santayana: Yes, it means.....

Vello: It's the Parrot who needs to explain.....

Baby Terence: I can't see the back!

Sweezus: I can.

Baby Terence: What do we think then?

Sweezus. It'll grow out, man. Hair's freaky like that. Always growing. Look at mine.

(And indeed, his undercut is already in need of attention).

José arrives, with Arthur's bicycle, upon this chaotic farewell scene.

For that's what it is.

Take a look in the mirror, for a framed view of the Last Supper.

The Spanish philosophers, now planning to follow the Vuelta. (Alberto is winning! )

David and Vello, puzzling over the identity of the Chinese sage who awaits them.

Belle and Marie, trying to catch the attention of the bad waiter.

Schopenhauer wishing he had said that thing about names.... nothing is general, how clever.

Arthur devising Plan B to get rid of the Baby.

Sweezus at the end of the table, avoiding the Parrot.

Bleeding Pigeon ( Or Parrot )

In Bar-Cafe Bicicleta, waiting......

Might as well have another, says Schopenhauer.

Why not, says Vello. Who knows how long they'll be.

José should be back soon, says George Santayana. Unless he gets chatting.

Chatty type is he? says David. I hadn't noticed.

Things on his mind, says George Santayana. War anniversaries.

Haven't we all, says Schopenhauer.

War anniversaries? says Vello.

Don't say you haven't noticed, says George Santayana.

I haven't, says Vello. But now that you mention it, I'll keep my eyes peeled. Have you noticed anything David?

David looks suddenly like a man who has remembered something unpleasant.

Ahem, says David. I meant to tell you, I had a message from Ageless.

What does he want? says Vello.

He's working on an addendum, says David. An addendum to his Marine Philosophy article. He realises it was lacking in bicycles. He's calling it Sailors on Bikes.

Ridiculous! says Vello. Where's my phone?

He makes a call to the office.

Ageless is sleeping. Captain Louttit picks up the phone.

Captain Louttit: Vello! How are you? How's Barcelona?

Vello: Never mind! What's this about Sailors on Bikes?

Captain Louttit: Nothing. We've ditched the idea. Couldn't find any.

Vello: Of course you couldn't. Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Captain Louttit: While you're there.....

Vello: Yes?

Captain Louttit: There's this fellow keeps coming into the office. Chinese chap.

Vello: What does he look like?

Captain Louttit: Chinese.

Vello: Apart from that. What does he want?

Captain Louttit: He looks like an ancient sage, and he wants to meet you. When will you be back?

Vello: Day after tomorrow. We're just finishing up here. It's been very successful. Except for an unfortunate knifing incident in which the Spanish philosophers were injured.

Captain Louttit: By Arthur?

Vello: How did you guess?

Captain Louttit: Will he be coming back with you? Gaius is asking. He wants to do Bush Blitz.

Vello: I can't guarantee it. He's just disappeared with a baby.

Captain Louttit: Good heavens! And you let him? Who's the baby?

Vello: No wait. He's just turned up now with the baby and.....what's this.... looks like a verminous pigeon! And it's bleeding! You'll have to excuse me.

When Did You Stop Liking Birds?

Arthur strides quickly, with Baby Terence in his backpack.

Where are we going? cries Terence.

Arthur doesn't reply. He is not bent on kindness.

He crosses the road to the Sagrada Familia, and stops below the tableau.

The Saint Joseph, the Virgin, the Parrot.

He swings the backpack around and drops it. Ooh!  Ow!

I thought I was getting a haircut, says Baby Terence. This is my palace.

Yes, says Arthur. I've brought you back. Get out of my backpack.

Can't, says Baby Terence.

Arthur yanks him out. Sets him down on the pavement.

The Parrot flies down.

(it's really a pigeon)

Back are we? squawks the Parrot. Come on then.

No, says Baby Terence. I'm not coming. Look at me. See these shorts?

Your dad will go mental, says the Parrot.

Take HIM! says Baby Terence.

Who? says the Parrot.

Him, says Baby Terence, pointing at the backpack.

And who is inside?

Astroboy, the toy version.

Woop! says the Parrot. My favourite cartoon character! All right!

He seizes Astroboy by the sharp plastic tuft.

It's so sharp and shiny, he can't get a grip. Astroboy slips from the beak of the Parrot and lies on the pavement.

The Virgin looks down.

Look dear, says the Virgin. Our baby.

Saint Joseph stiffens. He was quite content with the Parrot.

That's the sort of haircut I wanted, says Baby Terence, not noticing what's happening above him.

You've got the wrong kind of head, says Arthur. Go back to your family.

What if I don't have the haircut? says Baby Terence.

You'll still be a pain, says Arthur. Always demanding attention. Contradicting.

I don't, says Baby Terence. When was I contradicting?

You said Sweezus likes birds, says Arthur. He doesn't.

What? says the Parrot. When you say Sweezus, do you mean the big version? The one who was here earlier?

Yes, says Arthur. Chew on that, pigeon.

Well I'm disappointed, says the Parrot. I feel I can never again act as his stand-in.

He looks up.

Saint Joseph looks down.

Saint Joseph reaches for his shepherd's crook. (Odd, since he isn't a shepherd).

The crook swoops down and scoops up, by the neck, not Baby Terence, not the Parrot.... but Astroboy, the toy version.

Astroboy ascends to the lap of the Virgin, and the family he has always dreamed of.

A silent child, who will never grow older. Saint Joseph is happy. The Virgin is happy.

And Arthur is stuck with the Parrot.

Practical Advice To Famous Girls

I don't want to be Terence, says Baby Terence. My name's Baby Jesus.

Every tenth Spaniard is called Jesus, says Ortega y Gasset.

Not BABY Jesus, says Baby Terence.

Terence is famous, says Arthur. Terence was an ancient Roman playwright. A freed African slave.

Did he live in a palace? says Baby Terence. Did he have his own parrot?

After they freed him, and he wrote famous plays, he could have whatever he wanted, says Arthur.

All right, says Baby Terence. The first thing I want is a haircut.

That might be difficult, says Schopenhauer.

Schopenhauer is right. Terence's curls look too fragile

But that's not the reason.

The reason is............they are made of cement.

Yeah, like we can just find you a stonemason, says Sweezus.

Now you've upset him, says Belle.

I'll find you a haircut, says Arthur. Coming?

And pirate knee bandages? says Baby Terence.

Sure, says Arthur. Come on.

He picks up Baby Terence and walks out of Bar-Cafe Bicicleta, before anyone can stop him.

What's got into Arthur? says David. It's not like him to volunteer for a kindness.

Perhaps he's not planning a kindness, says Vello.

Should someone do something? says Belle.

Not I, says Maria Goyri. I have my own children to consider. I really should be going. Ramon will be tearing his hair.

Bye bye, Maria Goyri, says Belle. You were an inspiration.

Yes, you're amazing, says Marie.

Thank you, dears, says Maria Goyri. It was a pleasure to meet the famous girls. Don't forget to get that skirt mended, Belle. Safety pins can pop open. And always be wary of whoever's sitting behind you.

I know! says Belle. It's already popped open. But I didn't think Arthur.....

What did he do? asks Vello.

Belle won't say.

And I have Arthur's bicycle, says Maria Goyri. But I need it to get home on.

Allow me to accompany you home, says José Ortega y Gasset. I shall wheel Arthur's bicycle back here afterwards. Meanwhile George can stay here and go on explaining his version of pragmatism.

Is that a DIG at me, old chap? says George Santayana. And may I ask how you expect to manage two bicycles on your return journey?

Fiddle! says Maria Goyri. He can leave his own bicycle here and get on behind me. It's not as though a respectable philosopher will  bite a hole in the back of my skirt.

Vello looks sharply at Belle, who wriggles uncomfortably.