Confucius' Hat

The wise find pleasure in water, the virtuous in hills, says David slowly. I take it they are one and the same.

Water and hills? says Vello.

No, of course not. The wise and the virtuous, says David.

Then why make the distinction? asks Schopenhauer.

Perhaps the Great Sage can enlighten us, says Vello.

No, I can't, says Kong Fu-Zi. It was many years ago that I thought it. If I thought it at all.

Ah, says Schopenhauer. It's one of your Analects.

Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. And you know how teachings become distorted. Perhaps that's what happened.

 Pfff! says Ageless, who is washing up the teacups with Captain Louttit. I know what it means!

He drops a tea cup into the washing up water. Water slops onto the floor.

The wise find pleasure in water, says Ageless.

What about the hills? hisses Captain Louttit.

Hills are problems, says Ageless.

Oh very good, says David. And the virtuous find pleasure in problems.

But the wise don't, says Schopenhauer. Because ..?

They don't have to clean up, says Ageless.

But that's exactly what you're doing, says Vello.

Not the water, says Ageless. I'll leave that to you chaps.

Excellent. That's cleared that up, says Kong Fu-Zi.

Not yet, says Ageless, rudely waving a sponge.

The Great Sage refers to the first part of the Analect, says Schopenhauer. Now we must consider the second: The wise are active, the virtuous tranquil.

Just look at us, says David. We are the perfect example. Actively pursuing enlightenment while tranquilly drinking tea. Thus embodying both wisdom and virtue.

And just look at Ageless and Louttit, says Vello. Actively washing the dishes while tranquilly taking the piss.

Ha ha, laughs the Great Sage. That reminds me of a funny story.

We could do with a funny story, says Vello. What is it?

I'll tell you, says Kong Fu-Zi.

Go on then, says Vello.

Kong Fu-Zi removes his tall hat, places it on the table, and tells his funny story:

My philosophy was not always popular in China during the Han dynasty. It is recorded that the Emperor Liu Bang, when he identified a Confucian by his distinctive hat, would snatch off the hat and piss in it.

He laughs again.

Everyone stares at the hat.