Freud's Cure For Ambivalence

I have no idea, says Gaius. Why do you ask?

I'm in a battle, says Terence. I like birds. Sweezus doesn't. I refuse to grow up to be him.

I see, says Gaius. This sounds like a case for our friend, Professor Freud.

Does he like birds .....? begins Terence.

I imagine, like most of us, says Gaius, he is ambivalent about birds. But he knows their significance in the human psyche. And he knows a great deal about battles.

Does he? says Kong Fu-Zi. I assume you mean family battles?

Don't assume, says Gaius. He's a competent practitioner of Paintball.

I love Paintball, says Terence

You don't even know what it is, says the Parrot.

.........

Next morning, they meet Professor Freud in a cafe.

Professor Freud, says Gaius. Meet Kong Fu-Zi, Great Sage of China. He is here for Ozasia.

Pleased to meet you, says Professor Freud. I always enjoy Ozasia. Last night for example I went to a remarkable musical performance. Nova Heart. An interesting study.

How so? asks Kong Fu-Zi.

Wonderful drumming, says Freud. Loud hypnotic music, colourful lighting, and a singer who appeared to be having a melt down. She exhibited hysterical symptoms. Scratching her arms, wringing her hands, clutching her tummy. But ahem, mustn't say it. And in any case it was all fake. But highly entertaining. Who knew the Chinese were so modern?

Of course we are modern, snaps Kong Fu-Zi.

Excuse me, says Freud. Sometimes things just slip out.

He he, giggles Terence.

And who is this little person? says Freud. Don't tell me. He's the image of Sweezus. What nice shorts. Are they lizards?

Terence looks shy.

They are geckos, says Gaius. I'm surprised you could make that mistake. And the parrot here, I mean the pigeon...

Freud looks at Gaius, triumphant.

You said parrot! says Freud.

The reason we wished to meet you, says Kong Fu-Zi, was not to discuss taxonomy. It was to get help for this baby.

Yes, yes of course, says Gaius. Terence has psychological problems. He refuses to grow up to be Sweezus.

Perfectly understandable, says Freud. And why should he?

Because they are one and the same, says Gaius. This is him as a baby. This is the baby as him.

That makes no sense at all, says Professor Freud.

That's what I say, says Terence.

I never heard you, says the Parrot.

Well, I do, says Terence. I'm cured!

Wonderful! says Freud.

Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi are impressed.

No one thinks to ask Terence what he's cured of. (Not even the Parrot, who should).

And now, says Freud, how would you all like a free game of Paintball, on me? You'll enjoy this, young Terence.You'll meet the Green Flash. You and he have something in common.

Paintball!

Not what the Great Sage feels like doing.

It sounds disturbingly modern.